Top Thirty-Five Deep Thoughts

Sorry, but I've included some of my own. I think they're good, and I don't want them to just disappear without notice. But I've tried to be objective about it.

Still, I can't be that objective, because if they didn't strike me as funny personally, I wouldn't have written them, right?

Anyway... the top 35, in as best an order of deepiness as I can figure it:

35) What if people who became leaders of political parties or Senators or governors or Presidents were just like other people after all? Except maybe with more money. Or they wanted to be powerful. Or maybe both. What then? -- Paul Freedman

34) Someone once told me that "still waters run deep." I know he was talking about that quiet guy in my class, but I couldn't help thinking about all those mosquitos they produce, too. -- Joanna

33 I never had much use for life jackets. And as I watched that little kid drown in the river, I remembered why. Drowning people can never find one when they need it. -- brak

32) Winners never quit and quitters never win. But, if you never win AND you never quit you're an idiot. -- Pistolero

31) If I'm ever trapped inside a burning nightclub with no way out except a painful death by immolation, I think it would be a good idea to turn to the guys next to you and say, "It's not so much the heat as the humidity." Because I think it's moments like that when we're most in need of a chuckle. -- ace

30) Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes. -- SithChick

29) A friend told me I was up a creek without a paddle. I looked over and saw he had a paddle.

But not a gun. -- BumperStickerist

<28 I think a great thing about my doctor is when he gives wise and gentle advice. Just this morning my doctor told me, "live today like its your last." -- SarahW

27) When I told my girlfriend I was doing to take her "like a Viking", I don't think she expected me to be wearing old blood-matted furs.

Or to hit her over the head with a mace. -- Jimmie

26) If I was ever in an elevator car that was dropped from a 747, I'd try to jump just before we hit the ground. I wouldn't want to die without saying I'd at least tried that. -- DeeDaGo

25) My grandfather once told me that women like to be pursued. What he did NOT tell me, the old bastard, was that you shouldn't do so wearing a ski mask and carrying a blood spattered shovel. -- USAdawg

24) My teacher told me there was a lot of wisdom in the pages of Aesop's Fables. But when I opened the book up, it was page after page of walking, talking animals. That doesn't seem so wise. Actually, it seems pretty naive. -- Ace

23) Personally, I like breat cancer. Breast cancer's great, especially on a cold winter's day when you first bite through the crackly outside and the flavor just fills your mouth. I know it's not good for you, but it's worth it.

Oh, wait. I didn't mean "breast cancer." I meant "hot dogs." -- Pompous

22) They say that a million monkeys working for a million years will eventually produce the full text of Hamlet. But they'll never be able to produce something as simple as a Star Trek script, because monkeys cannot grasp the concept of the laser. -- Ace

21) I often think about what it would be like to begin my life over without losing what I have already learned. One thing I would do is avoid hitting my head as often. Another would be to make sure my roommate's girlfriend didn't forget her keys before I got naked and popped in a porno. -- Compos mentis

20) Years ago my grandpa told me "never pet a burning dog".

I don't care who you are, that's good advice. -- Dave in Texas

19) When it snows, I gather all the children around me, and say "It's true, there are two snowflakes exactly alike, and they're right there. There on the driveway. Push them all over to the side, then you'll find them. First one gets candy."

Young Lolita always finds the pair, and as I look at them closely breathing heavily, they melt.

As I brush off her tear, I say "It'll snow again, Lolita." -- Alear

18) I have found that opportunity usually knocks at least three times. That's because no one ever really just pounds on a door once. It usually is a little more rhythmic and repetitive. I imagine that's so the people upstairs can hear you. -- DeeDaGo

17) A year after college I signed up to be assistant netter on a tuna boat. The crew was a real mix-- there were Portuguese, Italians, Irish, blacks, two Vietnamese guys, Hispanic guys from all over Latin America, and even a proud American Indian named Red Earth Walker. And I learned that everyone, no matter how different, has something to contribute, and that if we all pull together, no matter what our backgrounds, we can reach our goals together. You just have to keep your eye on the Dominicans, because they steal. -- Ace

16 They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade. Yesterday, life came up and handed me a couple of kumquats and said "good luck." -- Slublog

15) I remember when I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, and then I felt better. Sure, people still called me cheap, but I always said, ‘Yeah, well, you think I’m bad, get a load of Stumpy over there.’

He never did like my endless ridicule, but what was he going to do, run me down?-- Zippy

14) I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones but then again making your house out of glass isn't that bright to begin with. So go ahead and throw stones dumbass, serves you right. -- BigE

13) Did you ever take a dump and it smelled kind of like a burnt match? Wow, the other people in the train station must really think you're a nice guy. -- Big E

12) They say when you wish upon a falling star, your dreams really can come true. It's all a lot of nonsense, they're just idiots. That is what they say though, I'm not making that part up. -- Dave in Texas

11) I think that when someone asks you "How they hangin?" you should be allowed to drop your pants and check. And then you should offer to do the same for the guy who asked you. It's just good manners. -- Jimmie

10) When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying, and you still look good in your black trench-coat. -- SarahW

9) They say a man doesn't truly understand life until he's lying on the floor in a pool of his own cooling blood. So that's what I gave my brother for Christmas-- the gift of understanding. -- Ace

8) I look at the guy who comes in last in the 100 meters in the Olympics and think, wow he could have done just as good without training a day in his life. -- Polynikes

7) During my travels to the Orient, I walked the crowded streets, pausing to soak in the beautiful bouquets of a rich foreign culture. At least I think they were called "bouquets"; here they're called "hookers." Those crazy Asians. -- UGAdawg

6) If I had a billion dollars, I'd send out invitations to all of the smartest people in the world, the earth's greatest geniuses in medicine, science, philosophy, and art. I'd offer them each ten million dollars to come to my island retreat to solve all the world's problems -- war, hunger, pollution, disease, the alienation of man from his fellow man. Everyone who responded to my invitation would be seated at a large table where they could begin discussing positive ideas for the betterment of humanity. And then I'd have my men lock all the doors and set fire to the place and let them all burn alive.

And then I'd send letters again to everyone who hadn't accepted the first time, only this time I'd offer them TWENTY million dollars and invite them to my other island retreat, the one that hadn't been soaked for three weeks in odorless flame-accelerants. Because, it turns out, they were the really smart ones all along. -- Ace

5) I remeber fondly my Mother telling me of all the wonderful places they took me. I had such a great time, she said. Cape Cod, Disney World, Sturbridge Village. When I saw the pictures, I was surprised at how the rest of the world looked so much like my back yard. -- Tom M

4) I like to go visit the pediatric oncology ward and give presents to the little kids with the shaved heads and tubes up their noses. And when they open them up and discover it's actually dirt clods and gravel, I tell them, well, it's just not your day, is it? -- Orgegon Muse

3) I'll never forget the summer I spent working with mentally-challenged kids. The one things those little rascals have is pure, total honesty. If they tell you your shirt "looks like poop," you should probably run right on over to the store and exchange it. And if they tell you you're a "fierce but sensuous lover," well, you can probably bank on that too. -- Ace

2) Whenever I hear a woman say "I love babies," I always tell them "Oh yeah? Why don't you imagine saying that again, except this time say 'Nazis' instead of 'babies.' Pretty racist, huh?"

Most people just can't handle a logical argument. -- Andrew

1) If starship full of aliens lands on the earth tomorrow, and they are totally peaceful and want to be our friends, I hope they don't taste like chicken because we already know what that tastes like. -- Ed Jordan

Thinking... time for Cool Facts About Chris Klein? Or is it too early for that?