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October 26, 2004

Fall Fundraising Drive

Sorry to be obnoxious, but I'm keeping this post a little sticky throughout the next couple of days. Meaning, it's going to keep getting bumped up near the top.

This is so annoying, I know. But think of me as a right-wing PBS, except instead of boring you to death with the Boston Pops and the seven-billionth "reunion" of Simon & Garfunkel (also known as "Simon & the guy who isn't Simon"), I give you cutting-edge political analysis mixed in with the occasional inappropriate use of the word "pooter."

Here's the pitch:

I figure that just about everyone who reads this site would be willing to donate $1 -- one buck -- four times a year. I figure there are four reason most don't:


1) Fear about using PayPal. All I can say is that the transactions are secure, meaning coded, the same sort of deal that Amazon and other on-line stores use. I never see your credit card number. Is there a risk? Well, is there a risk when you sign your name on your credit-card receipt and give it all to a perfect stranger when you buy Urban Culottes at Banana Republic?

2) But I don't have a PayPal account! You don't need one. Only the recipient needs an account. You just need a credit card, and the will to succeed in selling distress-sale real-estate. It's what I call "Money Motivation."

Seriously. PayPal is just how the money is collected. Donors just need to click on the PayPal button and enter their digits as if they were buying books from Amazon or, more likely, Japanese pornography.

And, actually, you don't even need a credit card. You can send them a e-check, and then they credit me once that clears.

3) It's a pain in the ass. Well, it's a minor pain in the ass, but honestly, the entire process takes two minutes. I've donated myself, so I know.

4) It's almost insulting to just give someone $1; it's better to not donate at all. This is just totally wrong. I have a good number of regular readers, and if half of them -- just half -- gave me four bucks a year, I'd end up with a pretty sweet haul. Not an Andrew Sullivan gilt-edged bandwidth haul or anything, but enough that I could get my creditors off my back and finally have a good answer when my family asks me why I spend so much time screwing around on the Internet.

The big point is that it's not really the size of the donation, it's how big the donation pool is. And if all of my regular readers who haven't donated before (anyone who has donated -- your subscription is in good standing) donated, it would be-- well, it would totally, utterly sweet.

Like I said, it's a buck. About the cost of a cup of coffee at 7-11, and 133% of the cost of a single copy of the New York Times.

Of course, not everyone is going to donate-- I think probably 1% of my readers donate at most -- so if you felt like giving $3 or $5 or $10 or $20 or even $50, that would be pretty darn cool too.

Like political fundraisers, I've decided to at least give you something in return for your donation-- cool nicknames.

$1 donors are Ace of Spades Rangers. Also known as "the Lighting Guys."

$3 donors are Ace of Spades Super-Rangers. Also known as "Grahams."

$5 donors are Ace of Spades Super-Excellent Rangers. Also known as "Johns."

$10 donors are Ace of Spades Pioneers. Also known as "Vinnie Falcones."

$20 donors are Ace of Spades Pioneers Who Slice Like F'n Hammers. Also known as "Joes." But in this case, I don't need to ask "Where's Joe?" Joe is right next to my heart, buying me beer.

$50 donors are Ace of Spades Special-Detachment Ultra-Cool Conservative Commandos. At this level of donation, you're just freaking awesome you're known as "Mr. Paul Anka, the Only Important One on That Stage."

Anyone who donates more than that is some sort of special transcendent being who is actually more super-amazing than Mr. Paul Anka, if you can believe such a thing. At that level, I have to think of individualized nicknames.

At any rate, sorry for the blegging. It's something I actually have to do from time to time, though.

Just consider how pissed off Andrew Sullivan would be if every one of you guys sent $1 or $3.

Thanks.

F'n' Weisenheimer Update: Well, it's not as good as an actual donation, but Spongeworthy donates a pretty good laugh:

...

Just the other day I was thrashing a street urchin with my ebony walking stick and almost $50 fell out of my coat and I was so worn out from beating the little monkey that I just left it on the street! Fortunately another fairly prosperous looking fellow was in the area and was able to scoop up the money before the urchin could crawl over to get it.

...

So, in closing, let's just say "Not this year" and leave it at that, okay? Let's not have an embarassing scene here.


Update-- Chicks Want Better Nickames. Okay, I guess it's not cool to call a girl "Vinny Valcone." Here's my alternate scheme for nicknames for the fairer sex:

If you're one of my three female readers, and you donate $1, you get to be called Ace of Spades Spear-Carriers of Athena. Or "Babette." Your choice.

Female readers donating $3: Ace of Spades Warrior Princess. Or, um, "Stacey." Stacey's a good name. Kind of a hot name. You kind of know what you're getting with a "Stacey," and it's all good. It's allll good.

Female readers donating $5: Ace of Spades Amazon Queen. Or, ummmm... Heather.

Female readers donating $10: Ace of Spades Ilsa, She-Wolf of the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Or, um, "Dominique." Okay, I admit it, now I'm just handing out stripper-names. Look, pretty much everything on this site degenerates into something dirty and wrong at some point.

Female readers donating $20: Ace of Spades Barbarian Axe-Sister Who Slices Like an F'n' Hammer. Or, I guess, Krystallyn.

$50 donors are Ace of Spades Special-Detachment Foxfire Ninja Babes. At this level of donation, you're just freaking awesome you're known as "Ms. Paul Anka, the Only Important One on That Stage." Or, alternately, "Summer Brees."

Anyone female donating more than $100 gets a special nickname, which might range from "Jessie" to "Mrs. Ace of Spades."

digg this
posted by Ace at 03:30 PM

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