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May 11, 2004

The Guys Get Shorts

First order of business. I open up the paper today, I see a dozen naked hairy Arab asses in my face. I wasn't looking to see naked hairy Arab asses. Did I tell any of you I wanted to see naked hairy Arab asses?

[Various voices:] No, sir.

Because, if I was in anyway unclear about my feelings about the Geneva Conventions, let me clarify any confusion. Geneva Conventions, good. Naked hairy Arab asses, bad. Do you understand that?

Didn't I say shorts?

[Donald Rumsfeld:] I thought the guys were covered.

You thought, you thought, you thought. You thought eight fucking things since the war began. You're on fuckin' notice, Don. I gave you a list, you had half a list that I gave you, we're just choosing everything on it. Okay? The guys get shorts.

Don't make a fuckin' maniac out of me.

The guys get shorts. Do you understand? We're not going to be as strong as our weakest links. The guys get shorts. Do you understand that?

This is like football, baseball, like anything else. The guys get shorts. The guys get shorts.

That's just. The fucking. Way it is.

-- Absolutely.

You first start with getting your goddamned list correct. So there's no confusion. When I write something down, it gets exactly that.

Now what are we going to do about this Abu Ghraib situation?

-- Well, I was kinda waiting for you…

What did we discuss at the last meeting? I'm walking around, waiting and waiting.

What's it gonna be guys? Why weren't any of you watching Abu Ghraib? What are you watching?

Where were you guys on this Abu Ghraib situation?

Let me ask you this. A fighter-pilot is in a plane, he's landing. He not only looks at his instruments, he looks at the aircraft carrier to see where the fuck he's landing. What do you look at? What are you watching?

What is the confusion on the Geneva Conventions?

I don't get it. I don't get it. Do you understand that? I don't get it.

What's it gonna be guys? Do you want me to get a Secretary of Defense like Vinny Falcone? Do you want me to get someone who's gonna sit and ride your asses?

Do you want your jobs?

Where's Joe?

I tell you I want the Joint Chiefs, I want the Joint Chiefs. I'm telling you you're on thin ice. There's a lot of loose shit going on. You're all on thin ice. Because when I move, I slice like a fuckin' hammer.

That's just. The fucking. Way it is.

Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your service.

You guys have three days to get your shit together. All of the heads of the branches.

You will straighten out this Abu Ghraib situation, Don. You will put it straight. I'm the only important one in this government. I'm warning you. I'm the only important one in this government.

Now put me some fuckin' information! Tell me what's wrong.

-- I have an idea…

I don't want a fuckin' idea, I want to know what went wrong and how to fix it.

Where's Joe?

Why the fuck were our guys getting this prisoners naked? Why the hell am I looking at pictures of naked prisoners blowing each other? Who fuckin' sent around the memo around sayin' make these guys blow each other?

[Shrugs, silence.]

Maybe that's what you're into, Don. Maybe you like seeing naked prisoners in homoerotic poses. Maybe that's your whole bag.

I don't have a "bag."

No, seriously. If that's what your kick is, we can handle it in ways that don't end up embarrassing the administration.

That won't be necessary, sir.

We can get you a subscription to Backdoor Johnny if that's your interest.

[Shakes head.]

Whatever you want, Don. You want a subscription to Funhole or Boymuffins, I can do that for you. No one has to know about it. I'll put it on Paul O'Neill's credit-card. I've got his number.


Or maybe you're not ready for that. Maybe you're not ready to go full-on gay. Maybe you want your meat with some puddings. They've got tranny magazines too, Don.

Can we move on?

Some guys need that. Some guys need something soft and pillowy up top. It lets them think they're still straight.

[Voice from the back:] It's an aesthetic thing. Breasts balance the form out.

Is that what you want, Don? You want me to get you a subscription to Secret Sausage? I'll tell ya, some of these trannies are hot. They look halfway bangable, except that they're packing marmosets in their pants.

You're all on notice.

That's just the kick I'm on, the fuckin' mood I'm in. I don't care if it's Colin Powell or Dick Cheney.

Do you understand that? The integrity-kick I'm on? Do you all understand where I'm coming from with integrity?

The only satisfaction I get is from reaming your fuckin' asses.

I shouldn't say that. Don might just bust a nut right here in the War Room.

I'm not a homosexual...

Yeah, that's what you say. You know who else said that? Jm J. Bullock of Too Close for Comfort. He walked up to me, said "I'm not a homosexual," and the next thing I know he's got a finger up my fuckin' ass.

I asked him, "Jm J. Bullock of Too Close for Comfort, what the hell are you doing with your finger up my fuckin' ass?" And he just said he was trying to adjust my chakras.

I don't even know what the fuck that means. What's a "chakra"? I don't know, but apparently it's located in my duodenum.

Now we're all important in the totality, but if you don't care, I don't need you. I don't need you to take my money.

Do you understand where I'm coming from with integrity? Do you want your jobs? Do you want to keep your jobs?

If you don't do the job, you're gone. That's just the fuckin' way it is. Because you've got it too good. And if you've got it good, you've got to make it good.

If you're not going to support me with all of the enthusiasm and conscious I bring to it, then we'll just part ways. We'll finish up the term, and then we're done.

Where's Joe?

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posted by Ace at 02:44 PM

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