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May 03, 2004

Wea Culpa

Recently, lefty pro-war (i.e., he's just "on the other side") agitator Micah Wright had the "courage" and "guts" to admit he'd perpetrated a "hoax" about being a combat-veteran Ranger in order to claim victim status when arguing against America's right to defend herself.

It is time to for us to follow Mr. Wright's example. We too have committed certain "hoaxes" in order to advance our positions.

First of all, it is not true, as we have long maintained, that we jumped the Snake River Canyon on a rocket-propelled "Sky-Cycle" in 1973.

This hoax began innocently enough. We were arguing with someone on-line about who had performed this stunt. Our opponent claimed it was Evil Kenevil: for some reason, we had it stuck in our heads that it was actually the actor Ken Berry of F-Troop. So we told our opponent he was a "jackass" for saying it was Evil Kenevil.

Well, within thrity seconds, our opponent presented us with ten yahoo search-matches proving that Mr. Kenevil had performed the stunt. But we of course didn't want to simply lose the argument, so we claimed "Yes, we knew of course that Evil Kenevil is credited as making the jump, but you big dummy, we're talking about his stunt double, the man who actually performed the stunt in Mr. Kenevil's famous red, white, and blue jumpsuit."

Our correspondent then told us that Mr. Kenevil didn't use a "stunt double," since stuntmen do not, in fact, themselves have stuntmen. At which point we said "Now who's being naive?"

We then claimed we knew for a fact he had used a stunt double, since we ourselves were that stunt double. You don't know what it's like soaring over the Snake Canyon at 200 mph, we raged against our opponent. Until you've been there, in the "shit," flying over a canyon in a kinda-gay jumpsuit that looks like the outfit Captain America would wear if his secret identity were Harvey Firestein, you have no right to question us on this.

As you can see, perfectly innocent and understandable. We began our "hoax" because someone, quite plainly a fascist of some variety, called bullshit on us.

We apologize profusely on behalf of that fascist.

Next, somewhere along the way our friends kinda got the notion stuck in their heads that, as younger men, we had lost our virginity to Queen Noor of Jordan. We're not sure how they got this idea.

As near as we can tell, it may be because we said we did.

The facts are these. No young man ever likes to admit he is still a virgin, especially when his buddies are telling hero-stories. So we claimed we'd already "done it." Our friends disputed this, and wanted the woman's name. So we just said, "You guys wouldn't know her. She lives far away." But still they pressed us for details. So we said, "Okay, fine. If you must know, she is a foreign princess who earned her education at Princeton University and then married into the Hashemite Dynasty."

We figured that was vague enough to avoid getting pinned down. But then one of our friends said, "You mean Queen Noor of Jordan?" and we were forced to say, "Well, gentlemen never tell, of course. But yeah, we nailed her. She's got nipples the size of circus-peanuts."

Again, a perfectly innocent "hoax." We attribute the hoax to immaturity and peer pressure. In Amerikkka today, it's hard for thirty-two-year-old men to admit they're still virgins.

We apologize for the uncouth peer pressure of our friends.

Finally, it is simply not true that our collective dicks are so big that movie-theaters have begun selling popcorn in the sizes Small, Medium, Large, and Our Dick. We really have no idea at all why we started saying this. It might have been because of some dispute we had with our Mother.

Furthermore, this isn't even our claim; it's actually Drew Carey's. And we suppose we should say right now that no, it isn't true that we were long-time "male companions" to Mr. Carey, or that we successfully sued him for $30 million in a palimony suit. We think we might have just been high when we said that.

Again, we apologize profusely for the media and fascists who are to blame for these hoaxes. We hope you admire our courage and guts for coming clean. And we promise that, from this point forward, we will be perfectly honest and candid with you, our dear readers.

Sincerely,

Ace of Spades HQ

President and Founder of Apple Computer Corporation

1993 NHL Rookie of the Year

1990 Oscar-Winning Best Actress for Driving Miss Daisy (deceased)

PS: We are a medical doctor working for a major UN relief agency in Niger. Please send us money so we can transfer $243 million in gold bullion out of the country.


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posted by Ace at 08:24 PM

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