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June 10, 2004

Transcript: Ana Marie Cox's Open-Mike-Night Performance at the Dupont Circle Laff-Shack, circa 1997

Hi. My name is Ana Marie Cox. I just flew in from LA, and boy is my anus tired.

Thank you.

Oh, young people, young people. Who can keep up with young people these days? They're crazy. Crazy I tell you. You know what young people are into these days?

Anal sex.

Thank you.

My mother. My mother is crazy. I can't keep up with her. She's always complaining. She's always like, "When are you going to get married?" She's always saying, "When are you going to get a real job?" She's always asking, "When are you going to stop letting strange men shank you up the craphole?"

Thank you.

I see a lot of people are drinking. Drinking's fun. You know the crazy thing about drinking?

Making a pee-pee.

Thank you.

And what's going on in politics? Politics is crazy. You know what I can't stand about politics?

Closeted Republican homosexuals.

Thank you.

But seriously, stop me if you haven't heard this one before. Two closeted Republican homosexuals are walking down the street. One bends over to pick up a quarter, and the other bumps him right in the ass.

The first homo says, "Hey, I really enjoyed that." The other homo says, "Me too. It just felt right."

Thank you.

Hey, look, I'm holding a microphone. You know what a microphone reminds me of?

A penis.

Thank you.

You know what else is crazy? Getting a rectal exam from a proctologist. He says he wants to insert a rigid seigmoidoscope into my rectum, and I said, "Rectum?!? But I hardly even knew 'em!!!"

He laughed so hard he ended up dorking me up the keister.

Thank you.

Cops. Cops are crazy. They're always pulling me over. But all women know there's a way to get out of a ticket. You ladies know what I'm talking about. Any time you want to get out of a ticket, there's one way to do it:

Anonymous roadside anal sex.

Thank you.

Well, that's all the time for me. You guys have been great. I'll be here until Wednesday. I'm available for children's parties and Bar Mitzvahs.

And when I say "I'm available," that's another delicious double-entendre.

Thank you.

The Point: On the off chance that Ms. Cox is reading this, let me explain the moral of this parody.

A joke isn't just saying "butt-sex" or "penis." See, that's where you're going wrong. "Butt-sex" or "penis" might be part of a joke, but the words themselves are not, in fact, jokes.

You seem under the misimpression that simply larding up your site with the words "butt-sex" and "penis" makes it "funny." It doesn't, actually.

You might think it's "funny," because your male friends seem to enjoy it when you talk about penises and butts and the possible intersection between them. But they don't think you're funny; they just like hearing women yap endlessly about butt-sex. Who doesn't?

But, as enjoyable as that might be, it's not actually funny.

I know this may come as a shock, but "weiner" is not technically a punch-line.

Update: Apparently Wonkette can spot a "painfully obvious pun" when someone else is making it:

The NYT reports on the superpower soiree that ended yesterday, at which pool reporters "luxuriated in their own seven-bedroom house, fully equipped with a formal library, a sunroom with a jukebox, and true to their duty" -- painfully obvious pun alert -- "a small pool."

Ahem. Painfully obvious puns? Welcome to our collective nightmare, Ms. Cox.

Update: "Anal Marie" provided me with an opening line that was too good not to steal, so I stole it.


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posted by Ace at 05:42 PM

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