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October 26, 2004

Top Ten Announcements Which are Less Shocking Than Andrew Sullivan's Endorsement of John Kerry

10. Stung by charges that he is a serial fabricator, John Kerry seeks to improve his reputation for honesty by changing his campaign slogan to John Kerry: I Shit You Not

9. 2005's Oscar Winner for Best Actor? Gallagher

8. The American government finally admits the moon landing was faked, calling it a "college prank" that just "took on a life of its own;" also admits that no person named "Chuck Yeager" ever actually existed

7. After begging like railroad hobo, Ace of Spades finally gets a taste of that sweeeet and crazy blog-money he's heard so much about; buys a hot Ducati and kills self attempting to back out of garage

6. Liberal judges admit that primary foundation for most of their rulings is not in fact the Constitution, but the late-sixties hippie cartoons Free to Be You and Me and Yellow Submarine; conservative legal precedents heretofore described as "Blue Meanie dicta"

5. Without explanation, Germans suddenly find David Hasselhof strangely banal

4. At 12:01 AM EST December 12, 2004, MTV breaks format by actually displaying a music video; video in question is tenatively scheduled to be Huey Lewis' Hip to be Square

3. GM unveils new energy-saving car, "the Kleagle," an automobile powered by nothing but pure racial hatred; the celebrity pitchman? Who else-- Leonard Nimoy

2. Bill Clinton rises from his sickbed to campaign for John Kerry; whenever he feels he's losing the crowd, he starts doing that "I'm coming for you!" heart-attack schtick from Sanford & Son

... and the number one announcement that's actually less shocking than Andrew Sullivan's endorsement of John Forbes Kerry...

1. Americans with poor eyesight lobby to replace insensitive term "nearsighted" with more-positive, less-offensive sounding "persons whose eyes are retarded"

Update: Guest blogging at Instapundit, Megan McCardle slaps up Sully's dopey endorsement of Kerry.

Hey-- someone had to read the stupid thing. Better her than me.

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posted by Ace at 02:13 PM

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