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November 01, 2005

Top Ten Other Changes To Soccer Demanded By Maniac Imams

(Suggested by Adolfo Velasquez)

10. Do not play football with a round 'ball' as the Jew-loving pig heretics do. Play, instead, with a cone or, better yet, a cube, like our beloved black borg cube at Mecca. (from Adolfo)

9. He who shall touch, deflect, or stop a ball with his hand, and who is not a "goalie," shall have his offending hand struck off by a sword and burned upon the field to cleanse the insult given. Also, the other team shall be allowed a penalty kick. The kick shall be spotted from the place of flaming severed hand.

8. Do not wear Addidas, for they are the Devil's athletic footwear.

7. You will not follow the Western Jew manner of accounting for points. Upon the scoring of the first goal, a team shall be said to have one point. Upon the scoring of their second goal, a team will be said to have nine points. Upon the scoring of their third goal, a team will said to have two points. And upon scoring a fourth or further goal, a team will have zero points, for they are wasting time that could be better spent raving in the streets about something or other.

6. A goalie may stop a ball with his hand, or a big-ass Ali Baba scimitar. If he cuts the ball neatly in half, the opponent who kicked the ball must forfeit all of his goats and daughters to him.

5. "Time outs" are for infidels, and homosexuals, and/or infidel homosexuals. Anyone calling a "time out" should immediately be stoned to death, for they are an abomination. On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with a coffee break in the middle of play, so long as all parties agree they could do with a pick-me-up.

4. Wear not cleats, for they are the traction-enhancing contrivance of the disobedient and corrupt. Allah likes watching grown men slide their asses all over a wet soccer field. It makes Him giggle.

3. If a man should commit a personal foul against you, play will stop immediately. Both he who hath given offense and he who hath been offended shall be brought over a pool of acid, upon a wooden beam eight inches across; and they shall fight to the death using spears and pole-axes, while that cool battle music from Star Trek plays. Allah likes Star Trek, at least the first series, before they "fagged it all up."

2. Both teams shall attempt to score only in one direction-- towards Mecca. The confusion this will cause will almost certainly result in chaos, violence and rioting, but this is Good, for this is more or less what you should be out doing anyhow.

...and the Number One Other Change To Soccer Demanded By Maniac Imams...

1. Only one "football song" is permitted to be chanted at matches, and all teams shall chant the same song. That song is Two of Hearts by Stacey Q., for it has a funky beat and a nasty groove, and she's pretty hot for a kuffar pig-monkey demon.

posted by Ace at 09:02 PM

Comments

big-ass Ali Baba scimitar

That was teh funnay.

Posted by: Monty on November 1, 2005 09:15 PM

Only one "football song" is permitted to be chanted at matches, and all teams shall chant the same song. That song is Two of Hearts by Stacey Q.

Oh, the irony. Apparently, Stacey Q is now a Buddhist.

I wonder if she's still a trashy-hot piece of ass. Since she's probably well into her 40s by now, I'm guessing not.

Posted by: Allah on November 1, 2005 09:17 PM

"I wonder if she's still a trashy-hot piece of ass."

What do you mean, "still?" Ick.

Posted by: zetetic on November 1, 2005 09:38 PM

4. Wear not cleats, for they are the traction-enhancing contrivance of the disobedient and corrupt. Allah likes watching grown men slide their asses all over a wet soccer field. It makes Him giggle.

Really, is this such a bad idea? There's a little truth in all things, indeed.

Posted by: Sortelli on November 1, 2005 09:38 PM

Uh, I have something disturbing to add. Actually two things, but one thing at a time.

There's a great blog by a Saudi man at muttawa.blogspot.com and it has something from MEMRI where an imam giving actual dictates to a for-real Saudi soccer team, and they aren't a joke.

http://muttawa.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_muttawa_archive.html#112863771150975255

The other is speculation about why Prince Charles is coming to the US to lecture George Bush on why we have to be more sensitive towards Islam. Apparently Charles took a shine to Islam back in 1991 and has made several unofficial visits to Saudi Arabia. Could Charles have converted?

http://muttawa.blogspot.com/2005_10_01_muttawa_archive.html#113066896067229616

Not likely, but man that'd be disturbing if the next King of England was a Muslim.

Posted by: Moonbat_One on November 1, 2005 09:51 PM

If Prince Charles became (or becomes) a mohammedan, he will not take the throne. The monarch is the titular leader of the Church of England, and it wouldn't be cricket to have the leader of the C of E praying towards Mecca five times a day.

Posted by: Sean on November 1, 2005 11:01 PM

If he did convert (and the website you pointed us to makes a persuasive claim that he did), he's not revealing it. Good reason too: the monarch of England is the Supreme Governor of the Church of England. If Charles announces his conversion to Islam, there may be a serious movement to have him either disqualified to inherit the Crown or persuaded to permit his son, Prince William of Wales, to become the Heir Apparent.

Posted by: Muslihoon on November 1, 2005 11:11 PM

Sean: said swifter and much better than I could (with a Britishism too!). Allahu akbar in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, amen.

Posted by: Muslihoon on November 1, 2005 11:21 PM

This is actually a pretty good rule. If they instituted this then maybe soccer would be worth watching.

Posted by: DB on November 1, 2005 11:42 PM

ADDIDAS: All Damn Day I Dream About Sex.
Yup - devil shoes for sure.
But they make allah giggle so.

"Hot pig-monkey demon." Eeeeeek! Now I won't be able to sleep. Thanks a lot, Ace.

Posted by: dw on November 2, 2005 05:07 AM

This fatwa has some indicators of being accurate, in which case I owe Ace an apology for insinuating he may be riding the bigot hobby-horse.

I guess people really are that batshit crazy. I mean, people are nuts, but who is that nuts?

Posted by: rho on November 2, 2005 09:48 AM

Don't forget: instead of "Goooooooooooooooaaaaaalllllll!", it's now "Jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

Posted by: Xoxotl on November 2, 2005 09:59 AM

Yeah, yeah. Well I'm still waiting for somone to start an over-50 fat bald guys soccer league. I betcha Allah would get a kick outa that!

I'd watch it.

Posted by: Nickie Goomba on November 2, 2005 11:44 AM

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What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
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