Is this the blonde?

I'm so fuckin' into her. I don't even know why I'm like this.

Just remember lanky Christopher Lloyd in 'THe Addams Family' as Fester. You can do a lot with costuming.

Thanks Allah. I was just thinking this review was worthless without pics.

Allah, you're joking, right?
ACK!
YOU could have tits like that, too. About $4K isall it would take.
YUK......
Nice hair, I guess....but I'm sure that's not totally real either.

Ace:

You're in good company, if you consider Ebert good company.

If film noir was not a genre, but a hard man on mean streets with a lost lovely in his heart and a gat in his gut, his nightmares would look like "Sin City." The new movie by Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller plays like a convention at the movie museum in Quentin Tarantino's subconscious. A-list action stars rub shoulders with snaky villains and sexy wenches, in a city where the streets are always wet, the cars are ragtops and everybody smokes. It's a black-and-white world, except for blood, which is red, eyes which are green, hair which is blond, and the Yellow Bastard.

This isn't an adaptation of a comic book, it's like a comic book brought to life and pumped with steroids. It contains characters who occupy stories, but to describe the characters and summarize the stories would be like replacing the weather with a weather map.

The movie is not about narrative but about style. It internalizes the harsh world of the Frank Miller "Sin City" comic books and processes it through computer effects, grotesque makeup, lurid costumes and dialogue that chops at the language of noir. The actors are mined for the archetypes they contain; Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Benicio Del Toro, Clive Owen and the others are rotated into a hyperdimension. We get not so much their presence as their essence; the movie is not about what the characters say or what they do, but about who they are in our wildest dreams.

On the movie's Web site, there's a slide show juxtaposing the original drawings of Frank Miller with the actors playing the characters, and then with the actors transported by effects into the visual world of graphic novels. Some of the stills from the film look so much like frames of the comic book as to make no difference. And there's a narration that plays like the captions at the top of the frame, setting the stage and expressing a stark existential world view.

Rodriguez has been aiming toward "Sin City" for years. I remember him leaping out of his chair and bouncing around a hotel room, pantomiming himself filming "Spy Kids 2" with a digital camera and editing it on a computer. The future! he told me. This is the future! You don't wait six hours for a scene to be lighted. You want a light over here, you grab a light and put it over here. You want a nuclear submarine, you make one out of thin air and put your characters into it.

I held back, wondering if perhaps the Spy Kids would have been better served if the films had not been such a manic demonstration of his method. But never mind; the first two "Spy Kids" were exuberant fun ("Spy Kids 3-D" sucked, in great part because of the 3-D). Then came his "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" (2003), and I wrote it was "more interested in the moment, in great shots, in surprises and ironic reversals and closeups of sweaty faces, than in a coherent story." Yes, but it worked.

And now Rodriguez has found narrative discipline in the last place you might expect, by choosing to follow the Miller comic books almost literally. A graphic artist has no time or room for drifting. Every frame contributes, and the story marches from page to page in vivid action snapshots. "Sin City" could easily have looked as good as it does and still been a mess, if it were not for the energy of Miller's storytelling, which is not the standard chronological account of events, but more like a tabloid murder illuminated by flashbulbs.

The movie is based on three of the "Sin City" stories, each more or less self-contained. That's wise, because at this velocity, a two-hour, one-story narrative would begin to pant before it got to the finish line. One story involves Bruce Willis as a battered old cop at war with a pedophile (Nick Stahl). One has Mickey Rourke waking up next to a dead hooker (Jaime King). One has a good guy (Clive Owen) and a wacko cop (Benicio Del Toro) disturbing the delicate balance of power negotiated between the police and the leader of the city's hookers (Rosario Dawson), who, despite her profession, moonlights as Owen's lover. Underneath everything is a deeper layer of corruption, involving a senator (Powers Boothe) whose son is not only the pedophile but also the Yellow Bastard.

We know the Bastard is yellow because the movie paints him yellow, just as the comic book did; it was a masterstroke for Miller to find a compromise between the cost of full-color reproduction and the economy of two-color pages; red, green and blue also make their way into the frames. Actually, I can't even assume Miller went the two-color route for purposes of economy, because it's an effective artistic decision.

There are other vivid characters in the movie, which does not have leads so much as actors who dominate the foreground and then move on. In a movie that uses nudity as if the 1970s had survived, Rosario Dawson's stripper is a fierce dominatrix, Carla Gugino shows more skin than she could in Maxim, and Devon Aoki employs a flying guillotine that was borrowed no doubt from a circa-1970 Hong Kong exploiter.

Frank Miller and Quentin Tarantino are credited as co-directors, Miller because his comic books essentially act as storyboards which Rodriguez follows with ferocity, and because he was on the set every day, interacting with the actors; Tarantino because he directed one brief scene on a day when Rodriquez was determined to wean him away from celluloid and lure him over the dark side of digital. (It's the scene in the car with Owen and Del Toro, who has a pistol stuck in his head.) Tarantino also contributed something to the culture of the film, which follows his influential "Pulp Fiction" in its recycling of pop archetypes and its circular story structure. The language of the film, both dialogue and narration, owes much to the hard-boiled pulp novelists of the 1950s.

Which brings us, finally, to the question of the movie's period. Skylines suggest the movie is set today. The cars range from the late 1930s through the 1950s to a recent Ferrari.The costumes are from the trench coat and G-string era. I don't think "Sin City" really has a period, because it doesn't really tell a story set in time and space. It's a visualization of the pulp noir imagination, uncompromising and extreme. Yes, and brilliant.

Parenthitcal funny memory: When Siskel died, The Onion had a fake headline that merely said "Ebert Wins." Sick, I know, but fitting in this thread.

Genitals ripped off!? Are you kidding?

So fuckin' hot, you are. Fuckin' hot!

That Blond has the hottest, throbing, turgid member I've seen in a shlong, shlong time.

Ugh. That woman looks like a plastic surgeon took a sculpter's approach to a block of marble. Just keep chipping away until you find what you're looking for.

I dunno Ace..don't be so willing to say that was, in fact, the blonde you saw.

Since that blonde is his wife, if you saw him with a different blonde, then you have quite the scoop my journalistic friend!

You might want to think about it before you give a definate answer....

I wanna fuckin' go crazy with her.

But she has to pay attention to Betsy.

Actually, it's kind of nice to think of a hard-ass motherfucker like Ice-T taking in a movie with his wife on a rainy Saturday afternoon. Although, admittedly, the quaintness of the image is perhaps compromised by her sporting a pair of fucking enormous tanned torpedo tits.

With my fire-breathing weapon, and those torpedoes, Jack M, Iceland's yours in about..30 seconds.

The navel-gazers that litter that icey outpost will be lifted from their hippy trance and hammered immediately into a shock-and-awe-knockers state of shock and awe at one look at those bronzed weapons.

Who ever's left in a cogent stae of mind will be rendered seared and crispy, by me, with one blast.

To be honest, not to slight Mr. Ice, but I always thought he actually wasn't so much of a hard-ass motherfucker.

Isn't he semi-suburban?

Seemed like a decent guy, though. But maybe celebrities act on their best behavior when someone claims to be a reporter.

Since that blonde is his wife, if you saw him with a different blonde, then you have quite the scoop my journalistic friend!

Nah. Same girl.

I assumed it was his girlfriend, because I just couldn't imagine him being married.

Yeah, they've been together awhile at least three years (first time I saw them was three years ago). She always seems to be wearing something cobbled together out of Saran Wrap and spray paint.

And regarding Ice T's bad attitude about cops, he does play a detective on one of the gajillion Law & Order shows.

That woman is scary looking with her fake tan, fake hair color, and fake breasts.

And I'd like to know, do most men prefer fake breasts over real ones?

Ace-- a few comments.

First off, glad you enjoyed the movie. Now stop fucking stealing my stuff. I always review movies, and I just saw Sin City this afternoon, and now you go and write pretty much the same review I would've written.

Oh well, on the bright side, you saved me time. Pigfucker.

I loved the movie, but yeah, I still had a problem with it, the same you did: it suffers from repetition. I really dug the first act, the second act a little less, and by the third act with Bruce Willis, things had gotten a bit old n' cold. Still, I laughed out loud quite a bit at the sheer audacity of some of the stuff-- Rodriguez, like Tarantino, is great for that-- and as always, the film was gorgeous to look at.

Somebody up top repeated the Ebert review, so there's your answer on the Tarantino-directed scene. Nothing special-- at all-- but hey, I'll never begrudge the QT for having some fun with his buddy.

You know what I'd never thought I'd say? Mickey Rourke is on fucking fire in this movie. He's the best thing in it (okay, second best, but more on that in a sec). He's had a few good spots here and there in the past few years (a nice turn in Rodriguez's Once Upon A Time In Mexico), but he hasn't had anyone give him a chance to shine in forever. It certainly isn't an acting stretch, but if you need somebody to chew up scenery like a bear eating a suitcase, that was it.

Oh, the best thing in the movie? By far, Jessica Alba's n*de scene. I'm so glad that, finally, a stunning young actress decided that she'd rather show off her God-given beauty when she's in her prime, rather than wait until she's in her thirties and about to do the Surreal Life IX before she shows up in the "tastefully artistic" Playboy spread that looks nothing like her. I was ecstatic that Ms. Alba shared herself with her fans that way.

Oh. What was that? She didn't get naked?

Man, that just plain pissed me off. Whatever its faults, the film had the opportunity to be one of the BEST. MOVIES. EVER.

Grrrrr. . . .

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

P.S. I've never met Mr. Ice-T (Mr. T?), but you should do what I do whenever I meet a celebrity of any stature: name the worst/most embarrassing movie they've ever done, and then gush over it. I did it all the time in my brief years in L.A.

My favorite was running into Judd Nelson at a South Bay bar, and letting him know how much I loved him in "From The Hip." He laughed so hard, he and his friends ended up buying me and my buddy a round. I'm just glad I didn't have the heart to tell him about my "Suddenly Susan" Geocities fan page.

As for Ice-T. . . hmmm. . . Most Dangerous Game, Tank Girl, or Johnny Mnemonic?

IMDB also shows Frankenpenis, and the all-time classic Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Wow, that -T is a true renaissance man.

Oh, one other thing: tons of cool lines in the movie, but my favorite was:

"Heeeeey. . ."

Damn, that was funny.

I wouldn't do her.

As for celebrity meetings ... I once bartended for pot-head Woody from Cheers ... and DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM. I'm such a dork. He sat at my bar, I made his drinks ... teased him for his drink choice - (a black russian) ... but, you know, maybe he was stoned? He did hit the popcorn basket pretty hard.

Hi Dave from Garfield Ridge:

I'm the guy from up top that linked to the Ebert review and posted it (without the permission of the Chicago Fucking Tribune).

Anyway, is this the woman of whom you speak? Nice, giant JPG. You can stare at it as long as you like.

But aren't we being a little, uhm...base about this placing on a higher plateau actresses that show their stuff when they're nubile? Yes, we are. And thank God you stated this tautology.

wooooo! scary boobies!!! They look like they might pop at any moment!! Weren't you frightened Ace?

I actually saw a pair of those in person in the locker room - couldn't believe anyone would trade in the real thing for them - yikes! poor poor girls!!!

Talk about your cartoon characters ...

Well, after looking at the pics, I have to conclude, that even I can appreciate that regardless of the huge, fake boobs, she has an ass I would kill to have.

And, when she's not slutting it up, and face it, she likes slutting it up, she actually looks quite pretty.

Don't worry Ace and Allah, I'm sure it's all for show. She likely goes home, takes off all of her makeup, and reads a nice book about gardening.

Oh...and the sex.

Missionary.

Definitely, missionary.

The credits were odd because the Directors' Guild of America wasn't dictating them. Rodriguez left the DGA because he wanted to share the Directed By credit with Frank Miller, who was on the set and certainly contributed his ideas while not being a traditional director. The DGA refused, so Rodriguez left (costing him a picture with Paramount, who only hires DGA members).

Tarrentino directed a scene in Sin City for $1 to repay Rodriguez for scoring Kill Bill 2 for him for $1. Rodriguez built a digital recording studio in his garage, and does almost all of his own original music now.

I thought the colorization looked great. It made the film look like a comic book, and did it well. I think it is incredible how close the movie was kept to the comic. I was told by a friend who works at Miramax that they didn't make any scripts or storyboards for the movie, they just used the comic.

Oh...and the sex.

Missionary.

Definitely, missionary.

I'm-a snatch her ass from the backside
And show her how Allah pull off that who-ride

But, she has to be into Betsy.

And I'd like to know, do most men prefer fake breasts over real ones?

LOL, Zelda, it's been my experience that most men don't care about real or fake, they care about BIG.

As for women's preference? I prefer that, real or fake, they at least look real because fake ones, IMO, just look really unflattering. Sadly, all these Hollywood women go get them done (like Jessica Alba) and they look horrid because they're so starved they don't have any natural body fat to cover the implant outlines. It's one of the few things I've heard Howard Stern and some of the sick creeps on his show say that I agree with.

Later,
bbeck

Rourke is damned bulky. Remember him in Double Team?

I've a PollHost poll set up already for this...
HOT?
or
ACK?

But to be fair, I'm actually TRYING to find a good photo of this blow-up doll to use and Allah's link ain't working (COO COO's World).
And I ain't finding ANY good pics ANYwhere.
Allah...how about YOU e-mail me YOUR favorite and I'll use it. I'm serious here.
Inquiring minds GOTTA know............

Gah. It's not good when you look at a picture of a woman, and all you can think is "where are her nipples?"

Sondra -- My favorite pic is the one in my comment at 7:32 p.m.

SondraK, out of a sense of self-loathing, I scrolled through her 'personal pics', and the only pic in which I thought she looked pretty, was the one taken at the gym. And, even then, well she's a tad bit on display.

Fake versus real? Come on guys, what's it gonna be? Did I ask for hard-as-grapefruits or soft funbags? Did I ask to gently squeeze hard-as-rocktits? What the fuck?

Real. Soft, lovely, real breasts, the way God made 'em. Big, small, who the hell cares. Personally, I like smaller, not bigger. Say, B cup.

But rocktits? Come on. They ain't no fun, and when it comes to nursing and breast cancer years, it seems that those fake rockbags might not be the wisest thing in the world.

THEY got to go with the body. Make symmetry!

Mimi Rogers is natural and her boobs are perfect for her body.

Holly Sampson had a slender, perfect bod then she went out and got DD implants and looks as artificial & lopsidedly top-heavy as Ice-T's Coco. Sampson went from 32-22-33B to 32-22-38DD.

We had great fun with an officegal who was a part-time model. She got implants and was convinced by her Doc they would feel absolutely natural to a man because of the new "natural softness" gel bags. One night after a few drinks after work, she set out to prove it. My, was that a memorable parking lot "feel 'em test" I definitely think she got her money's worth (she was a near-Callista Flockhart Flat beforehand) but one nip was higher than the other one, and they didn't feel quite right. Absolutely marvelous, but not quite right.

OK, Cedarford, here's an area where we can openly discuss and not hit some kind of clusterfuck.

I must admit, I haven't kept up on the latest in medical technology, and perhaps there are some newer, funner, softer fakies. Perhaps.

I kind of admire that opportunity you had with the office gal, though I do question her sanity. But why would you question her sanity when the offer's served up? I wouldn't have done it, because I'm married. But I'd have gladly watched her offering people a test drive.

But I still have a hard time believing that any cosmetic surgury of this type, for vanity's sake, can be better than what was given. Well, flat as a pancake? I suppose there's some psychological boost a woman could get from that. But how long do those new-technoglogy softies stay that way?

MeTooThen, are you out there? I know this isn't your feel'd..I mean field..but do they have softies? And if so, do they stay that way? And, do they pose potential risk for nursing mothers or spotting breast cancer?

I, for one, would never ask my gal to get those things, ever. It just strikes me as classless for a man to ask for them.

What about Wonderbras?

Are they false advertising?

I just couldn't imagine him being married.

I didn't know you were so hardass-ist, Ace. For shame.

Mike Hammer, a fascist and moral monster? I dunno, Ace, that wasn't my reaction. Maybe I gave him too much benefit of the doubt. And you could argue that he used (or wanted to use) the tactics of The Man in this bit from One Lonely Night, though I'm not too inclined to mark him down for it (feel free to trim or remove if this isn't fair use, or otherwise rubs you wrong):

Coming toward me a guy who looked like a girl and a girl who looked like a guy altered their course to join one group. The girl got right into things and the guy squealed with pleasure whenever she said something clever.

Maybe there were ten groups, maybe fifteen. If it hadn't been raining there might have been more. Nobody talked about the same thing. Occasionally someone would drop out of one crowd and drift over to another.

But they all had something in common. The same thing you find in a slaughterhouse. The lump of vomit in the center of each crowd was a Judas sheep trying to lead the rest to the ax. Then they'd go back and get more. The sheep were asking for it too. They were a seedy bunch in shapeless clothes, heavy with the smell of the rot they had asked for and gotten. They had a jackal look of discontent and cowardice, a hungry look that said you kill while we loot, then all will be well with the world.

Yeah.

Not all of them were like that, though. Here and there in the crowd was a pin-striped business suit and homburg. An expensive mink was flanked by a girl in a shabby gray cloth job and a guy in a hand-me-down suit with his hands stuck in the pockets.

Just for the hell of it I hung on the edge of the circle and listened. A few latecomers closed in behind me and I had to stand there and hear just why anybody that fought the war was a simple-minded fool, why anybody who tolerated the foreign policy of this country was a Fascist, why anybody who didn't devote his soul and money to the enlightenment of the masses was a traitor to the people.

The goddamn fools who listened agreed with him, too. I was ready to reach out and pluck his head off his shoulders when one of the guys behind me stood on his toes and said, "Why don't you get the hell out of this country if you don't like it?" The guy was a soldier.

I said, "Attaboy, buddy," but it got lost in the rumble from the crowd and the screech the guy let out. The soldier swore back at him and tried to push through the crowd to get at the guy, only two guys in trench coats blocked him.

Jesus, Allah, I wouldn't fuck her with your dick. And how fucked up was Ice-T?

That was me.

False advertising for the guy who unwraps the package, not by the company makin' the things.

But I don't even think the lady wearing that is false advertising anything. Unless you think that makeup, lipstick and other such things are somehow misleading. Turn the lights down and everything's just peachy. Hell, if you get the chance to find out whether it's a Wonderbra, you've reached some sort of pinnacle. Enjoy the moment. I can't imagine any garden-variety guy complaining at that moment.

And for those just staring, this concept doesn't even enter the equation. You're gawking, and your mind's conjuring. You can imagine whatever you want may exist underneath those clothes.

I rather think the joke's on the gawker, and women wearing those bras and getting stares probably get a little chuckle out of the whole thing. Now that's an ego booster.

Jesus, Allah, I wouldn't fuck her with your dick.

What can I tell you, CC? Blue-eyed blonde amazons with giant tits and hot asses have a way of catching my eye.

I'm funny that way.

Jesus, Allah, I wouldn't fuck her with your dick. And how fucked up was Ice-T?

About as fucked up as this guy, whoever wants these gals, or this lovely specimen.

It just seems like Ice-T likes his lady the way she is, bold, brassy and kind of beautiful (to him). There's a woman out there for every man, and each one of those special ladies has her perfect mate out there waiting for her.

And just the same, I'm sure there are plenty of men one could find that would fit the same image. I'm just not gonna look for links to them.

KCT,

Don't take this the wrong way...but sometimes you scare me.

Now is one of those times.

Come on, Allah. She's a skank of the highest order. In the Pantheon of Skanks, she's the Skank In Charge of Cleaning Up the Jizz.

I saw it today and enjoyed it. But I never quite got who Clive Owen was supposed to be and why he got involved with the hookers.

And I'll spoil it about Elijah Wood: he was a martial arts expert/cannibal. And he was REALLY creepy.

She's a skank of the highest order. In the Pantheon of Skanks, she's the Skank In Charge of Cleaning Up the Jizz.

What does that have to do with banging her? I grant you that she doesn't strike me as marriage material. But then, if I were a homely, middle-aged faded gangsta rapper, I might think differently. There are worse ways to spend your late 40s than riding that pony every night.

I don't know what else to say. Except, I want to make her crazy. Make. Her. Fucking. Crazy.

And maybe do some coke.

Jack M:

I'm just trying to avoid the whole topic of who is ugly and who is not. Isn't that up to others to judge? I'm not saying those are my types of gals, but I'm sure they're just lovely to someone special. OK, that's a stretch. Those shots were all grabbed by typing in "Daytona biker week" into Google image search. So it's probably safe to assume that my depiction of them wasn't accurate.

Still, there's a whole lot of topics with which we can grind eachother into the ground; but looks, female or male beauty, and what kind of lady a guy likes or vice versa (or whatever permutation thereof) just isn't one of those that I'm willing to jump on at this moment.

Allah wants the babe, then let him have her (in his imagination, most likely). She looks rather nice to me, but not my type.

It's like arguing over what's your favorite flavor of icecream.

How did this little bit of fun get serious all of a sudden? Chill, KC.

What does that have to do with banging her?

Yeesh. Better use a double condom. I'd fuck Courtney Love before I'd touch her...well, maybe not.

Chilled.

Sorry, meant chilled, chilled. and chilled.

And Allah, I stand corrected. In some of those photos, she does look like someone that makes me crazy and shit. Someone that Betsy would want to watch, with some hookers and coke and shit.

I just don't know why I feel the way you feel the way Pat O'Brien feels that way about her.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM, Betsy!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, as I often say, it takes a slut to do a slut.

I'm sure some men would object to that and some wouldn't care. But it's still true.

Later,
bbeck

Craig C:

How's this:

Hooters
Funbags
Love Puppies
Snubes
Hoo-hahs
Hogans
Winnebagos
Melons
Tuna Helpers
Breastoids
Lyle and Eric
Laverne and Shirley
Bumbledybobbins
Golden Bozos
The Twins
Headlights
Boobs
My Reasons For Living
Jan and Marcia
The Sunshine Variety Twin Pack
Bert & Ernie
Gazoombas
Nimbles
Exciting Mammalian Protruberances
Grass Protection
Jelly Donuts
Magificent Knockers
Bubble Buddies
Breastoids
The Tender Twins
Pig and Pepper
Vittles
Rounder Pounders
Boobulations
Norks
Rack
Balombahooeys
Face Balloons
Hillaries
Everests
McKnockers
Love Bumpers
Bahoozits
Ta Tas
Twinkies
Suzy-Qs
Handfulls
Mount St. Helens
El Mocambos
Upper Frontal Superstructure
Those things That Get Rubbed on My Face Regularly
My Wife's 38 Specials
Monsters of the Midway

If there are any hot blonde strippers with gorgeous silocone racks out there who are feeling a little put down by all the snotty talking in this thread, I just want you to know that I'm here for you.

Paul Rodriguez did the great "El Mariachi" film and "Once Upon a Time in Mexico" -- one of my faves. In those credits it says something like "Shot, Chopped and Cut by Paul Rodriguez..."

MMMMMMMm....hard fake torpedoes and bonze!

YEAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(it's all fun and games until some one loses an eye, yannow!)

BTW....ACK is kickin' ass!

Nice, KC. Let's do pooner next:)

Hey, SondraK, that was the same link I found! That pic changed my outlook pretty quickly.

Though I still don't go for the hard fakies. To each his or her own. Ain't life filled with wonder and joy? Sort of sublime, those bronze bombers, aren't they.

BTW: Lovin' your Web site.

KCT,

What scared me is that you thought to search under "daytona biker week".

There are some things I try to blot out of my memory....the time I got kidnapped by a band of Hell's Angels is one of them.

As they say, "Gas, Grass or Ass...Nobody rides for free".

And those biker babes said my money was no good....

Jack M: Glad we got that cleared up. Since I've never been to Daytona during that time, I don't have any personal memories. But thanks the tip. Now I'm never going there during that week.

Craig C: Here you go:

Mound of Womanhood
Handful of Womanhood
Flower
Fruit
Bud
Rose
Cherry
Conch
Orchid
Muff
Muffin
Kitten
Puff
Suzy
Unit
Lap
Nether Region
Down There
Wee-Wee
Bug
Pool
Deep Sea
Wetness
Crevice
Lips
Crack
Vertical Smile
Pussy
Beaver
Bearded Clam
Facial-Haired Mollusk (my only contribution as a geek)
Hole
Tunnel
Love Pocket
Chimney
Mouth Magic Cave
Box
Yin-Yang
Snatch
Trap
Sweet Meats
Taint Meat
Meat Napkin
Yoni (American Indian term)
Vagina
Vulva
Clitoris
Labia
Twat
Cooter
Cooch
Hoo
Rattlesnake Canyon
Wizard's Sleeve
Y-Clef

Jesus Christ, people.
I mean. For crying out loud. I just casually walk into a movie review and....Jesus.

Maybe he's her pimp

Allah prophesized:Blue-eyed blonde amazons with giant tits and hot asses have a way of catching my eye.

Amazons used to cauterize their left breasts so they wouldn't interfere with their bowstrings. Maybe you were looking for the singular "tit." But hey, if that's what you like, go for it.

As for my own tastes, give me a natural A or a B over a bicycle-pump C or D+ any day.

Thank you Megan. My thoughts exactly.

Megan, are you.....that way??

CraigC wrote: Megan, are you.....that way??

(sigh) Yes, it really is possible to be a conservative Republican, to be opposed to state-sanctioned gay marriage, to hate Islamofascism, and to be a fan of Ace's without necessarily being a straight white male.

Coco's little site loaded fine for me and it needs a big fat NSFW tag. Please, people! I gotta be at church in twelve hours!

( I regret to inform you that they are both pierced.)

PS. According to the entry requirement documentation you don't even have to have played AD&D. Whoa Nelly! Put down your dicebags, gentlemen.

I never thought I'd agree with a woman about anything, but lauraw is right. Jesus H. Fucking Christ indeed.

Hey KCTrio, how about a list of euphemisms for, say, non-consensual sodomy with the hole under the scroll-wheel on your mouse?

Enough of these PG-13 euphemisms.

Let's go hardcore.

Allah, blowing snot out my nose. And Megan, for pete's sake, that was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. Who loves ya, baby?

"...but let us judge not that we be not judged."

Allah, most merciful, what say you regarding Andrew's point, this thread and your most wickedly funny list?

Megan, for pete's sake, that was supposed to be tongue-in-cheek. Who loves ya, baby?

Since you didn't sign your post, I have no idea. :)

PS. My last post was ironic rather than retarded.

I just read Allah's list and realized that someday in the future, my family and friends will be sitting around in a hospital room weeping over my recently-expired corpse and pondering the last word to pass through my lips.

They're all going to dry their eyes and say to one another, "What the hell did he mean by 'snizzpod'?"

Goddammit, Ace's comments section resolutely refuses to remember my info, so if I don't remember, as I often don't, I end up with an anonymous post. Sorry.

My ultimate fantasy: A "blumpy" from Coco.

"I am so fuckin' into you. *plop*"

Andrew:

Well let's just hope it's not from Cowboy herpes, whenever you meet your maker.

Oh, and since I've had way too much to drink, one of you send me an AIM at Cancer Marney while I'm still bored.

This I command! [/Cobra Commander]

All this sweet-talkin' reminds me of a friend I used to have. He once explained to me how, whenever he was messing around with a girl, he'd suddenly stick a finger in her ass without warning.

When I asked if they appreciated it, he said "no, but it gets their attention."

Allah, I've always heard that referred to as a "blumpkin." I have NO personal knowledge in this area.

Megan...will you marry meeeeeeeeeeee?

Awrighty.....maybe just live in sin?

AIM me and we can talk about it, Sondra. :)

Don't answer that, Megan. Unless you live in Seattle.

PS. I want details about the particular kinds of sin you're thinking about, though.

CraigC wrote: Don't answer that, Megan. Unless you live in Seattle.

I'd move.

Sinniest sin what we could ever sin..............

*pant*

The Pac N' West is GORGOUS this time of year:)

I can't breathe............................

Jeez, I've heard better come-ons from Mr Rogers' gaffer.

I'm pretty easy, Sondra, but I'm not that easy.

Yea, but Mr. Rodger's ain't hot, Sweets.

What's yur AIM?????????

Cancer Marney

SHIT!

My AIM is true, Love, but I trashed it for Yahoo....
*ahem*???????

I'll DL it just for you, darlin'.

Scary unexpected hostility from ace:

"If you hate Elijah Wood -- and, let's face it, who doesn't?; if I had heard that freak say "We really were a genuine Fellowship" during his LOTR publicity blitz I would have hunted him down and killed him like an animal"

Jesus Christ, what did he do to you, key your car?

cancermarney on Yahoo Messenger, then. Are you going to break my heart tonight?

Andrea,

Little known Elijah Wood/Ace trivia.

Remember how Ace banged Mayim Bialik (Blossom) when he went to Sundance?

She dumped his ass the next day for a teabagging session with Elijah Wood.

Ace hasn't been quite the same since.

Ah. It's always a woman.

Not quite coincidentally, Jane Fonda revealed that her husband in the 60's and early 70's, Roger Vadim, was really into 3-ways. Which Jane dutifully got into and helped procure fresh female meat, sometimes Hollywood quality, for.

Now that set my mind, and perhaps other parts to working. From her pictures, she was NOT a bad-looking young lassie, though thoroughly fucked in the head.

If only she had been getting good American bone at the time instead of French weasel-meat! History could have been different.

"No Jane, no three-ways for YOU tonite! I want you to get on all fours and bark like John Kerry's dog VC! Then say Vietnamese are sad-ass pencil dicks. Then, at the right time, I want you to yell 'Ho, ho, Ho Chi pound me harder! Harder!"

Yes, she took up with with the effete American Tom Hayden, "American" after that, and the forgettably Canadian Donald Sutherland after that.....but they too failed to knock some sense in her shit for brains.

Then Karma dictated that Keifer Sutherland had to fuck her neice Bridget Fonda 30 years later. Take that, Jane!

Well, finally the major point. I think most American men would prefer the Fonda, B-cup and all, of 35 years ago, to the Coco of today - especially if we could have done our patriotic duty in the process and screwed all her quasi-treasonous thoughts out.

Meanwhile, Keifer has moved on.

And I wish Vadim had filmed Jane in action with a French Jeune Fille or a Hollywood starlet that made it big in the 70's and 80's...like ummmm, Barbara Bach. Yeah, I'd pay to see Jane and Barbara Bach going at it, or Brigette Bardot and her, Catherine Deneuve and her....maybe that one who played Ellie Mae on the Beverley Hillbillies.

Someone should really call Roger Vadim....if he's still alive. Or Ted Turner and see if Jane left some cans of "old family movies" she never let him see behind when she moved out.

Someone poured Mountain Dew into Cedarford's brainpan again.

OK, Andrew, if you insist:

The scroll holl gobstopper.

That's the only thing I could think of on Allah's list that would involve anything humanly possible with the orifice on a plastic computer mouse.

If you wist to take a stab at it (either the scroll hole or the euphemism), go right ahead.

That Bitch-Traitor Jane Fonda does not DESERVE good American dick.

KC, I'm still gathering my thoughts and hope to get them out to you today.

Thanks.

Cedarford, there are a great many other women you could have chosen to contrast...

why, her?

Thanks, LD.

Cedarford, I hate to say it, but you've outdone yourself. Here we have a thread, bereft of politics, and you even shared an intimate story that no man and some women could only but envy, and you've delivered a mishmash of ideas that are, to-the-core, the essence of Cedarford.

You sir, are a genius, or something.

But why, oh why, didn't Natalie Portman enter your comment?

Megan and SondraK:

After digging into my archives of some old favorites, I managed to grab "This Year's Model" from Elvis Costello. I'm having an audio battle with a neighbor. Don't ask.

So, I'm listening to that album, full blast of course, and missing EC's old venom. I do respect the man; I mean, he landed Dianna Krall, right? And since my musical god is Nat King Cole, and Dianna Krall owes everything to Nat, then EC's still slicin', in my book.

So, there's this song called "Hand in Hand." There's a lyric in the song that goes "You sit with your knees together, all the time your breath is bated..."

Let's hope there's not a parallel in that song in your budding, virtual relationship.

Cedarford, You had me at:

"...no three-ways for YOU tonite! I want you to get on all fours and bark like John Kerry's dog VC!"

And also:

"Then, at the right time, I want you to yell 'Ho, ho, Ho Chi pound me harder! Harder!"

Brilliant!

KCTrio wrote: Let's hope there's not a parallel in that song in your budding, virtual relationship.

Meh.

She called home to say she'd be late,
He said he'd worried but now he feels safe
'I'm glad you're with your girlfriend,
Tell her hi for me.'
Then I looked at you, you had guilt in your eyes
But it only lasted a little while
And then I felt your hand upon my knee

Too early in the morning. (Shut up.)

Above my knee, rather. Loose shit.

Hmmm... Why Hanoi Jane? Well, she just came out and said she was doing 3-ways in the 60s, and she looked HOT in those late 60's, early 70s flicks. I disagree with Lipstick Dynamite. The pre-treasonous Jane in Barbarella (1968) had a certain appeal to American dick. Sadly, it was only "weasel meat" and 3-way femme sex for her back then......but even today, she looks hot in Barbarella and the only reason to watch what has to be one of the stupidest movies of all time.

Fonda is a contrast to the "Coco" and "Plasticene Pamela" Anderson in body type, and how "lack of augmentation" does not mean a lack of sex appeal. As Callista Flockhart knows.

Now, ACE mentions Jessica Alba, who may be fake but looks natural, and doesn't mention Jessica Biel, who could be Alba for all intents and purposes -

Both are curvy, beautiful without being too abnormal looking - like the aforementioned "Coco" or the grosser (grassier?") ones like the fat stripper with a 6th grade education that married the 80-year old oilman then went on and got famous for being in Playboy, then famous for just being "her" - an unwitting joke of a person.

Now, that leaves us all pondering what is the feminine ideal. Coco? Mimi Rodgers? Jessica Alba? Pre-silicone Holly Sampson or her post-mod Mamms Sampson? Portman? Hepburn? (Audrey or Katherine in their young prime) Callista?

I doubt we will ever reach unanimity on that.

But Ice-T has what he wants. An eye-turning dyed- blonde who looks good 'n "Ho-slutty".

Very nice, Megan.

Elvis Costello had a bit more venom, post mortem:

Don't say you love me when it's just a rumor,
Don't say a word if, there is any doubt.
Sometimes I think that love is, just a tumor,
You've got to, cut it out.

I think most can relate. After that kind of anger, I think one might turn to "Last Tango in Paris" sorts of relationship.

Bring me the butter.

I've been trying to download Blood & Chocolate off Wallmart's download site, but it's not available.

Threre's some good venom there.

He's actin' innocent and proud so you know what he's after
Like a matador with his pork sword while we all die of laughter...
Still he knows who knows who and where and how...
And I hope that you're happy now.

I don't think he means it.

Well I'm thinking that Cedarford finally makes sense to me* ... and I'm a girl ... a straight girl. WTF??!!!

*although I find the coworker boobie story highly questionable -- reminds me of teenage boy stories ... ya gotta polish that story up some Cedar baby :)

Good point, Ace:

Unfortunately, I kind of lost interest in his career after the early '90s. I haven't listened to enough of his later material to pick up those lyrics.

But those are mighty harsh. So pig sword withdrawn.

Let me ask you: Does the feel of his newer material sound as lean and blistering as This Year's Model?

I loved Armed Forces, Imperial Bedroom and many others. Even liked his contribution to the Chieftans Christmas album. But none of it sounded like his second album.

I haven't followed his later work AT ALL. Spike was the last album of his I bought, and, to be honest, the little bits of heard of his other new stuff pretty much convinced me that Elvis had jumped the shark.

But I have almost all of his albums (except for the country one) from the first one (forget what it's called; maybe just Elvis Costello) through Spike. I hate Spike; turned me off to him completely.

He really climaxed with Blood and Chocolate and King of America, released within months of each other.

psflanagan:

And I wish Vadim had filmed Jane in action with a French Jeune Fille or a Hollywood starlet that made it big in the 70's and 80's...like ummmm, Barbara Bach. Yeah, I'd pay to see Jane and Barbara Bach going at it, or Brigette Bardot and her, Catherine Deneuve and her....maybe that one who played Ellie Mae on the Beverley Hillbillies.

OK, that makes sense. But it's still mishmash; good mishmash, but mishmash. And I'm guilty of that, most always.

BTW, King of America and B&C aren't nineties albums; I think they were released in 1986.

The country album was pretty good, actually, if you like country; and, that's a big if. Sort of an "I'm sorry" album after the bar fight. And the fact that he got George Jones in the studio measures up pretty good, in my book.

I think the first album was called "My Aim Is True." At least that's what Gracenote says.

And as to his climax, musically, you're right, but having this fine woman on a daily basis sort of puts that word into a different context. And perhaps he doesn't give a shit about music anymore. He's got a wife that inspires him in other ways, perhaps.

I'm more into country than I ever was before, but Elvis doing country still doesn't pump it up for me.

Yeah, he got George Jones. I don't even really know who that is.

I guess I might be more interested had he gotten Bruce Dickinson, yes, the Bruce Dickinson.

"I think the first album was called "My Aim Is True.""

Yes, that's right. Duh. All I could remember was the album cover and "Elvis is King" spelled out in tiny letters.

I know all the songs on it, tho.

Ace, you're right. Blood & Chocolate was released in 1986, as was King of America.

I'll need to go back and give those a listen.

Still like This Year's Model above all, just for the venom. Imperial Bedroom is quite nice, too.

Except for some early songs I never cared that much for Elvis Costello. Nor XTC, nor whoever did "Black Coffee In Bed" (hate. that. song.) nor any of those other "quirky" British pop bands of the 80s.

Oh by the way -- every time I scroll past that picture of Ice T and his girl friend, the phrase "you can put your eye out with those" comes to mind. I don't know why.

I had XTC's Skylarking, and while I liked a couple of songs there (and some others that got radio play), they always seemed a touch too precious for my liking.

Squeeze-- the Black Coffee in Bed group -- was of course a college must; they issued you "Singles-- 45 and Under" along with your dorm-room key. I like an awful lot of their stuff, though they can get a little precious too.

One of my favorite EC songs is "From a Whisper to a Screem" off Trust, I think, which is a great song featuring the (sometime) lead singer of Sqeeze in a duet.

KCTrio wrote: Very nice, Megan.
Elvis Costello had a bit more venom...

Pfft. I'm just going to listen to HMS Pinafore, like I always do on Sundays, and pretend your post just doesn't exist. Might make that a tradition too.

"For he himself has said it, and it's greatly to his credit
That he is an Englishman!"

That would be Squeeze, from Singles, 45s and Under.

Oh, well I never went away to college. That would have required a) money, b) me getting off my ass and applying for scholarships, and c) having to leave the wondercave of my room, where I had all my stuff, and go stay with some strangers, who might touch my things. Also, I could get all the crappy beer I wanted at home, though I preferred Classic Coke. Yes, some people want to be trailer trash. I hear they have medicine for people in the condition I was now.

By the way, naive little me didn't know what "teabagging" meant. The fine folks at Teenwire came through for me, and now I'll never be able to watch The Faculty in the same way ever again.

Megan:

You are most correct. Raspberry accepted. Those lyrics are for after the relationship fails, and you are filled with nothing but hate.

And no one wants that, ever. And who needs the venom? I did, when I discovered This Year's Model. But that was long ago.

Megan:

Enjoy your Gilbert & Sullivan. Very nice stuff.

Wrong mood, wrong genre, loose shit on my part.

Oh, what the hell.

If it's venom you're looking for, then Firewater is absolutely uncontested, although if you consider klezmer and pseudo-vaudeville to be mere novelties then you probably won't like them.

They're a New York band, so Ace could probably see them more often than the rest of us, the bastard.

I don't believe they've ever toured with Beatallica.

Cedarford said: "I disagree with Lipstick Dynamite. The pre-treasonous Jane in Barbarella (1968) had a certain appeal to American dick. "

I said that she didn't DESERVE it, not that no American wanted to bone her.

Wasn't it your thesis that having all that limpish, uncircumsized euro-weenie, er, weenie turned her bad?

Or did I read it wrong?

Must've been the Jews.

Nah, the Jews are circumsized. :)

And they have a great work ethic, if you know what I mean. :)))))

Hee.

Dated a Jewish girl once, but she dumped me the second time we went out... never found out why. Maybe it's time to try again. :) Any takers here?

Ace of Spades HQ: The hookup spot for jewish lesbian singles.

I don't think I've ever run into any Jewish lesbians, but if I do, I'll send them your way! Good luck!

come on... as Dennis Finch says, "Every girl is just three cocktails away from some hot girl-on-girl action."

I might have to link to some hook-up thread on my Too Hot 4 Blogging blog so that you horny retards can get this out of your system and get back to the important stuff, i.e., how brilliantly funny I am.

Better change the masthead again, Ace.
And swap the Mencken out for some Sappho or Elizabeth Bishop or some such.

ace wrote: you horny retards

...hey!

"Every girl is just three cocktails away from some hot girl-on-girl action."

Just because we're way hotter than you submoronic males. No need to be jealous.

Lipstick Dynamite: Thanks! :)

lauraw: Come over to the dark side.

To avoid any confusion, I am a 100% straight, lady-wrestler. Well, the middle part of that statement is true.

OK, OK...It was only ONE time, at a party, drunk, close-mouthed. After which I said what every female must say in that situation: "Wow, girls lips are SOFT!"

Lipstick:

Kissed a girl, her lips were sweet,
She was just like kissin' me
Kissed a girl, won't change the world,
But I'm so glad I kissed a girl!

Megan,

I'll bet you have no trouble with the ladies... ;)

Lipstick:

An older version of me, is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theater?

Ummm... what the hell is going on on my site?

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. I'm just wondering-- what the fuck is going on?

And Ace, just so you're feeling the love about "how brilliantly funny" you are:

Yesterday I read your Celebrity Sex for Money Skank-a-Thon piece.

Brilliant. Really. Hilarious and very well written. I can't stop giggling at the picture you painted of you giving some squirming punk an Adolf something.

So just remember all the praise you get when you're crying into your birch beer at Chucky Cheese.

LD:

OK, OK...It was only ONE time, at a party, drunk, close-mouthed. After which I said what every female must say in that situation: "Wow, girls lips are SOFT!"

That paragraph is the most potent thing I've seen in any thread. Consider it a Hiroshoma-level shockwave.

KC, I just re-read what I wrote and feel the need to clarify, just in case there is any misunderstanding (or wishful thinking): I was talking about a kiss on the mouth.

I don't do this for a living.

That clarification just amped things up to H-Bomb level.

But not for me. I've got 3 kids to get back to school tomorrow and a wife to kill after having left for a month.

KCTrio - That would be a hell of an opening to a Penthouse "letter", if anyone read Penthouse anymore!

OK, OK...It was only ONE time, at a party, drunk, close-mouthed. After which I said what every female must say in that situation: "Wow, girls lips are SOFT!"

Yessss! Yesssss! Every female in that situation must say the same! ONE time. ....Right! Then the vixens kissed elsewhere!

Reminds me of what SpewFan must have said..."Gee, you can tell when a strange guy hasn't shaved, right away!"

Psflanagan - OK, we only got to poke them with fingertips, no handfuls, darn it! And after her 4,000 investment, she was no longer dating "in house". Married a heir to an auto dealership within a year. A boob job appears to be a wiser move towards financial success than another year of college, and cheaper.

Lipstick Dynamite - You are digging yourself in even deeper...and I hasten to add ....only figuratively.

KC, Not you, I know that. Scroll back up.

All in fun and all, but I was starting to feel like Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate!

Wait, did you say you have a wife to kill?!
Well, you can't now unless you have Robert Blake's attorney!

Cedarford, That's wise advise and I'm taking it.

Wife to kill literally? No. But every man with kids should have the experience of having to do everything for one month. Kind of gives you a taste of what it's like for those single parents out there. Regardless of your political leanings, it's rather sobering.

Wuss.

LD:

I just gave you the same advice as Cedarford. Don't I get co-credit?

Yeah, I'm a whiny little pussy. Just ask my wife.

Andrew:

Thanks for that. You've inspired me. Now I am going to kill her, Anka style.

Attaboy! Remember, I'm only here to help.

Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a Halo server somewhere just waiting to ban me for teamkilling.

Actually, Andrew, I've got a little invitation for you. I'm going to Seattle for a week, in the near future.

While I'm away, my wife will be here in lieu of me. And she's an attorney, of the jugular kind.

I think she could use your help. And she also packs a 45, so any funny business will be met with swift, lethal consequences. She'll have you turned into her nanny in about 5 seconds.

And my kids? They are precious. But they could use your help with homework, reading, projects and the like. And pack their fucking lunches. And take them to school at 7:20 AM. Every day. Oh, but Friday's a day off for them. So you'll have to entertain the little beasts for say...10 hours.

And the shopping doesn't get done by itself, you know. And the house doesn't get cleaned by itself for that matter, either.

You think you have the balls for that, fucker?

KC,

Sorry, of course you get credit.

May I excuse myself with the "blowing off steam" reasoning, like some guys were doing by ragging on each other on the flame thread? (Not being sarcastic here)

It really does work--I feel better already after a sad few days.

Now to take my usual, much less dirty LD self off for a nice walk.

Enjoy having your wife home and thanks.

Oh dear...

Shopping don't do itself!? Well paint my ass red and color me stupid if that ain't the craziest damn thing I ever heard!

Yeah, I'm sure raising children is tough. So is having cancer. The difference, though, is that you willingly chose to have kids, knowing full well what that decision would entail. Nobody put a gun to your head and said "fertilize this woman, so that the generations of your seed shall be without number!" You did that on your own, so don't whine to me about packing lunches.

One other thing.
"You think you have the balls for that, fucker?"

To clean your house? Honestly, I think your wife has pulled a subtle trick on you. Tell me: does she ever say things like "A real man would run me a bath", or "You know, it takes real BALLS for you to let me be on top-every single time"?

Just wondering.

Lots and lots of talkin', yet I see very few people flirting with me. Loose shit.

I could try to flirt, but most women, for reasons I fail to understand, don't get turned on when I start talking about the Congress of Vienna.

And then there's, you know...the other thing.

And the shopping doesn't get done by itself, you know. And the house doesn't get cleaned by itself for that matter, either..

OOOOH!!!! KCTrio!!!! I like your attitude, man -- damn it, I knew I should have been an attorney instead of a homemaker. I do sooooooo enjoy cracking the whip on the old man!!!

Psflanagan - OK, we only got to poke them with fingertips, no handfuls, darn it! And after her 4,000 investment, she was no longer dating "in house". Married a heir to an auto dealership within a year. A boob job appears to be a wiser move towards financial success than another year of college, and cheaper.

OK Cedarford - if we're talking pure investment value - I can now sympathize with my sisters of the small cups - or the half-empty cups, if you will. Not a problem I can relate to -- but I didn't land any car dealership owner either. Double Dog Damn It!

I knew I should have dressed trashier and cultivated that helpless lisp ... then, I could have had my millionaire, waited until he was in my clutches before turning into KCtrio's wife. (KC- does she do the leather boots and whip thing?)

Man, I could have it all.

Andrew:

You know how ace sometimes takes liberties with the truth a bit? I kind of did the same thing.

It's called a checkbook. For the last 4 weeks, I've paid nannies and housekeepers to do most of that stuff for me.

But the rest is still a little difficult when you have to do most of the stuff your spouse does and the stuff you already do. Tough as cancer? Of course not. It's been rather nice, actually. It's afforded me more times with my kids.

I did use the word fucker a few times. Fucker points count just a bit.

But give me some credit here, bud; I took a man's approach to that shit. I paid for it.

There's one thing I didn't pay for, because, well, that just ain't right.

psflanagan:

She's rather fun, but not that kind of stuff. But let's just say that if an honest husband started writing about his wife's skills in the bedroom on a forum, he'd be rather disgusting, wouldn't you say? I mean, it's OK to talk about last night's escapades with a one-night stand, but your spouse?

When people start telling me about what stuff they did with their spouse the other night, I ask them "Would you show me a picture of that?" They say, "Of course not." Then I reply, "Well, then shut the fuck up. Because you telling me that is the same as showing me a picture. You are just about to cross a line. Don't go there."

Suffice it to pass that I'm very happily married, and we'll leave it at that.

I do, however, work from home, and can choose my own hours when I work as long as it gets done. And while I do OK in the money department, my wife out earns me pretty solidly. And I could care less. Actually, I like it.

Andrew: I married a beautiful woman that makes good money. And she's the marrying type. Heart of gold. I'm lucky to have her. I'd say I did pretty damn well.

ACE -

Your sublime comedic genius has us all in awe. It's just that it is so deep, so nuanced, man! It's like watching a Dennis Miller show sometimes when he ties Jimmy Carters attack rabbit to Paris Hiltons bedroom moves. Most the audience wasn't born for the Rabbit that Almost Took Down a President, likely the 1st time they heard of the beast - but the audience figured there has to be some sick, heavy duty innuendo shit going on with Paris Hilton and Carter's rabbit so they laugh like crazy.

And Celebrity Sex for Money Skank-a-Thon was awesome. It was the screenplay "ACE Bigelow, Male Gigilo" should have gone with.

Just thinking, too..maybe you should email this link and all the insightful comments over to Mr. Ice-T. He and "Coco" were friendly enough and stuff.

"sometimes Ace takes liberties with the truth"---KCTrio

What are you saying? You take that back right now!

Every word of this blog is true, dammit. Ace really did nail Blossom. Ace really did give someone a "filthy Adolf" in the park. Ace really does cry himself to sleep at night amidst Valu-Rite discount vodka. Ace really did pork Allah's sister up the squeakhole.

These are all vital and true components of the "Ace-o-Spades Lifestyle" (TM). If just a single one of these statement sproves to be false, my entire world view will collapse.

Say it ain't so, Ace.

Reminds me of what SpewFan must have said..."Gee, you can tell when a strange guy hasn't shaved, right away!"

You mean that was your dad and not your momma? Go figure...

Jack M:

It's taken back, all of it. Ace is so into the truth. He's fucking all over the truth. He doesn't know why he's into the truth, but he's kinda crazy and hot for the truth. He wants the truth to lick his balls and suck his cock, and he wants to blow his load all over the thruth's face.

And Betsy's into the truth, too. Ace an Betsy and the truth want to have a party. A drug-crazed, hooker laden orgy, with the truth licking Betsy's pussy while Ace watches, and Ace puts coke on his cock and the truth snorts the coke and then tosses Ace's salad.

Or something.

The truth is so hot, so fucking hot.

Bad news: Betsy's not into the truth anymore.

Doesn't matter. We can have any of these hookers.

Let's do it, Truth. Let's have sex.

Fuck all y'all. I miss Sondra.

Megan:

What happened to Gilbert & Sullivan? Aren't you supposed to be listening to that during moments like this?

SondraK, I'm thinking, is still trying to get over the state of paralysis you put her in with that intoxicating statement about sinning.

You're very wrong, as she just sought me out. :)

This is a situation where I am quite pleased to have been wrong. I hope you are happy, but that smily face at the end of your sentence tells me you are.

I wish you well.

Right now she finds her soup more intersting than me.

Wait, you mean there have been new posts at the super-secret undisclosed location!?

(Not that anyone remembers the URL at this point.)

Megan , Sweet, is that I was in a terrible state of hunger.......... I have to regain my strength from last night.........er............this morning.........

I love you.

"sometimes Ace takes liberties with the truth"---KCTrio

What are you saying? You take that back right now!

Every word of this blog is true, dammit. Ace really did nail Blossom. Ace really did give someone a "filthy Adolf" in the park. Ace really does cry himself to sleep at night amidst Valu-Rite discount vodka. Ace really did pork Allah's sister up the squeakhole.

These are all vital and true components of the "Ace-o-Spades Lifestyle" (TM). If just a single one of these statement sproves to be false, my entire world view will collapse.

Say it ain't so, Ace.

Oh jack!! I love a man who can make me snort hot coffee up my nose at 8 in the morning.

I want an "Ace-o-Spades Lifestyle" (TM) free with my t-shirt ....

I asked my husband if he'd seen the photo, and he said, "Oh the girl who looks a little like a tart?"

A little. Like. A tart.

I asked him just how much more cleavage she'd have to be showing to make full tart status. Does one have to show a full nipple, rather than just the hint of one? How much more silicone does one have to stuff into one's breasts?

Men.

psflanagan:

I think, based on my admittedly sparse knowlege of Jack M.'s current situation, that you sound like the perfect mate for the man.

So his dirty humor and wry wit make you laugh?

If he's read your post, he's going to have an erection that will not go away. And, based on those ads for ED drugs, I think "if you have an erection for more than six hours, see your doctor immediately" might set in about 2:30 PM EST. We're talking major medical emergency here.

I urge you, psflanagan, to do something for the poor man. And I don't think that his one-man declaration of war against Iceland is going to provide him with distraction to stop the cycle.

Write something about baseball scores, how you enjoy Gregorian chants or that you are a hermaphrodite. Something, make it up, it doesn't matter.

We're talking heroic efforts here. Please, I urge you to reconsider this post. The man is a helpless slob of a single man in need of a lifelong mate. He's turned to Ukranian and Korean dating services. Stop this man at once. Go in to Google image search and type in "daytona biker week" to find the right photo, and send it to him over at the Blog Tower and say that it is your picture and that you're hot for him.

Stop the madness. The onus is on you.

I can't. I've already been branded by Andrew as a pussy-whipped wuss. How can I help?

Stop this at once, you just might save a penis.

HE NEEDS ANOTHER EIGHT BALL AND A WILD TURKEY ENEMA!!!

HE (ICE-T) NEEDS ANOTHER EIGHT BALL AND A WILD TURKEY ENEMA!!!

Though I'm sure ACE does too, and I know I do!

That woman is scary looking with her fake tan, fake hair color, and fake breasts. And I'd like to know, do most men prefer fake breasts over real ones?

Zelda

Being an ass man (not that there's anything wrong with that) I prefer a thin torso, a great ass and shapely legs like our brunette Dusty model and smallish-tits over those great Casaba melons (not that there's anything wrong with that). There are many of us.

Well, I'm not big on garish porn-star makeup. But she wasn't made up like that for the movie. She had on light make-up and her hair was back in a simple pony-tail.

Again, she looked much cuter than these photos suggest.

And she was pretty nice. So there's that.

Umm, I meant to address that TO scout, not sign it BY scout.

Gosh KC, that's a hell of a lot of responsibility on one litle woman's shoulders - mind you I have my own pussy whipped wuss here at home to keep down. And let me tell you that's a full-time job.

I have always had issues - men seem to enjoy the factthat I laugh at all of their god awful jokes (must be my own god-given coping mechanism). I would have thought the coffee snorting visual might temper the reaction ... ah well ...

I say we locate Bjork and have her wrapped in saran wrap and send her off to Jack. Heck, the guy seems a little sick, we could send that goose or swan or whatever it was off with her. He sure complains a lot about the Icelandic factor, but "I think he doth protest too much,"if you know what I mean ...

ace: "Umm, I meant to address that TO scout, not sign it BY scout."

Loose. Shit.

not even our host can get the stupid comment system to remember his name.

That is some seriously liquid stools right there.

It's not me, it's not me! This is a great domain, and Pixy runs it like Vinny Falcone, but somewhere along the way he let a glitch get by.

No site on Mu.nu remembers a commenter.

at least I feel less like the ONLY red-headed stepchild around here

KCTrio

I ... work from home, and can choose my own hours ... And while I do OK in the money department, my wife out earns me pretty solidly. Actually, I like it.

Does this mean that you lay on the couch all day in your dirty underwear drinking beer and spending your welfare check shooting up eight-balls and oxycoton and Wild Turkey enemas until wifey comes home?

What KCTrio stand for, is it a band, or the trio above?

KCTrio -

Does this mean that you lay on the couch all day in your dirty underwear drinking beer and spending your welfare check shooting up eight-balls and oxycoton and Wild Turkey enemas until wifey comes home? I forgot to add: "the way I do?"

seriously, this thread is too big to keep up with easily... why not take it to the open thread?

72Virgins:

Thanks for that very hilarious post. But just in case others might not read the wry wit you put into it, let me address it.

Time spent while wife's away? Work my ass off. Trust me. About 50-60 hours per week on average, but it comes in surges. When it recedes, I take time back, but there's been many weeks where it's 100 hours for about 2-3 weeks at a shot. Sometimes I can get a project that pulls me into working 24/7 for about 3 or 4 days. Not fun, trust me.

Couch? Try maintining a job from home for five years as a statistician and consultant and not getting fired if you pull that shit. But again, very funny.

Alchohol? None. Narcotics? None. Coffee and smokes? You betcha. With 3 kids, the alcohol/narcotics mix you suggested would wind me up in jail or my kids in the hospital, or both.

Personal Hygiene: Well, I have 2 nannies, that rotate different days of the week, and let's just say that they are qutie responsible young ladies, and I'd be rather the slime if I didn't at least wear Florida casual. After all, I'm setting an example for my kids.

And when I travel for business, it's suit and tie.

But living in Florida and working from home is really kick ass. It never snows, the weather is either paradise in the winter or hell in the summer. But there's always AC. You go to an office every day? Enjoy the politics? Well, I don't, frankly, that's why I got this gig.

Finally, if you haven't known by now, KCTrio stands for the (Nat) King Cole Trio. Best jazz ever, in my book. Top-5 jazz pianist of all time. And love his crooning.

But if you ever want to come to Tampa some time, and bring your syringe and your crazy welfare money, we do have a mother-in-law house out back. No one lives there right now, so you're welcome to stay and blast the shit out of yoruself as long as you like. Just no drug trafficking, and everything will be A-OK.

Come on ace, I was just about to invite 72Virgins over to my pad and have him bring Betsy and the Truth.

72Virgins:

I do have a job opening for "personal assistant." You can do anything you want, the pay's good, and you must be the submissive type. Nothing sexual there, but you will have to put up with my Anka-like management style.

Let me know if you're interested and I'll give you an address to which you can send your resume. But I want to see some fucking experience in the lickspittle department.

Thanks for the offer but I have my welfare gig here in Houston and I get to live like a typical redneck conehead. I'm originally from New York so I have all the 100% humidity/100 degree days I can handle. And actually I haven't had an oxycoton/Wild Turkey/eight-ball enema in days (they're kind of expensive and blow a whole check at once) and wifey ran off with the garbage man.

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