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September 30, 2004

Breaking News: Apolitical Citizens Worry That John Kerry Will Raise Taxes to 90% on All Income Levels and Outlaw Christianity

I'm really concerned about this, and I just got an email about it getting me "all riled up."

Tell your friends about this outrage so that CBS News will then "cover the worry that's out there" without disclosing that these worries are in fact without any substantiation whatsoever, and that, indeed, it seems to be hard-core Republicans entirely behind these rumors.

I know CBS News will cover these worries o' mine, because they just assured Bill from INDC that partisanship had nothing at all to do with pushing the Democrats' attack-of-the-week about the draft.

posted by Ace at 01:59 AM

Comments

What?! Ban Jesus?!? LIKE HELL!!!

Posted by: Johnny Walker Red on September 30, 2004 02:46 AM

I worry about Kerry's threats of physical violence if the war doesn't end soon. A group of his distributed flyers a while ago that said this:
A U.S. INFANTRY COMPANY JUST CAME THROUGH HERE!

IF YOU HAD BEEN VIETNAMESE---

We might have burned your house

We might have shot your dog

We might have shot you . . .

We might have raped your wife and daughter

We might have turned you over to your government for torture

We might have taken souvenirs from your property

We might have shot things up a bit . . .

We might have done ALL these things to you

and your whole TOWN!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Anyone who would threaten ordinary citizens in this way needs to be stopped. The information is over 30 years old, but we know that's irrelevant to CBS. One thing this has over the CBS fakeries: the lines above came from a REAL document.

Posted by: Dave Sheridan on September 30, 2004 04:55 AM

Ninety percent taxes AND no more Jesus! That man Kerry has got to be stopped!

I am deeply worried. I can't eat, much. I plan to lie awake at nights, or maybe skip my nap.

I'm so glad you put this information 'out there', Ace. It needs to be 'looked into' by 'professional journalists'. (Note to CBS: Even though I contributed to George Bush, I am an independant undecided swing voter available for interviews.)

Posted by: lyle on September 30, 2004 06:06 AM

Where in Hell is the Siren on this story? Post one immediately please....

Posted by: Don Northrop on September 30, 2004 10:53 AM

As a very independent-minded Democrat, I'm concerned that Kerry would say such a thing. And I don't want anyone criticizing my independent-mindedness just because I happen to run a completely non-partisan group called Slavic Plumbers Against 90% Taxes and Outlawing Jesus.

Posted by: Sobek on September 30, 2004 11:11 AM

This is a serious issue! George W. Bush, a concerned citizen, said "I go to bed every night, and I pray, and I actually get sick to my stomach. I'm very worried I'm scared. I'm absolutely scared, I'm petrified."

Mr. Bush is a democrat, but will consider voting republican this year. "I'd vote for Howdy Doody if it would save the bible!", said Mr. Bush.

Posted by: kevin on September 30, 2004 11:23 AM

I think I've seen several posted blog comments that Kerry intends to sterilize all Republican males within 30 days of his election. CBS: you need to broadcast this story...tell Gunga-Dan that "Kenneth" could be his primary source for this.

Posted by: The Old Coot on September 30, 2004 11:29 AM

Ace, as I know you're a huge fan of Andrew Sullivan, I think you'll be interested in my comments on his latest antics here. I've come up with a great idea for how you can finally make the money you want from blogging.

Posted by: Sobek on September 30, 2004 11:48 AM

I'm shocked, stunned, overwhelmed, scared, horrified, terrified, outraged, irate, confused, disombobulated, in despair and desperate (and linked).

What are we going to do?

Oh shit, my irritable bowel syndrome just kicked in.

Posted by: Bohemian Conservative on September 30, 2004 01:15 PM

Sent an email to CBS Evening News asking that I be interviewed. After all, I've been lying awake all morning with an upset stomach after reading ALL the emails about the pending Kerry tax hike. Suddenly it dawned on me, the evening news is really a new comedy sketch, those clever guys! And all this time I was taking them seriously. :o)

Posted by: GarandFan on September 30, 2004 01:17 PM

Sobek, fix your comments yet?

Posted by: lauraw on September 30, 2004 04:07 PM

LauraW, I posted a comment on Haloscan's tech help board, and apparently that did the trick. By the time the techies looked at my blog, they couldn't find anything wrong.

Posted by: Sobek on September 30, 2004 06:37 PM

Kerry wants 90 percent and all Bush wants is your first born son. I know who I'll choose.

Posted by: Efuu on November 6, 2004 10:35 AM

What planet do all of you come from who have posted information on this site???? Crawl out of your holes and wake up! It is scary knowing people like you live in my country. Actually, it would probably be better to have you stay in your holes.

Posted by: Normal Person on August 31, 2005 04:28 PM

At least none of us are posting moronic comments on a nearly one year old post.

Posted by: Slublog on August 31, 2005 04:32 PM

Idiot,

It was a parody post. I was making fun of CBS for reporting of alleged fears of citizens that Bush would reinstate the draft-- a fear just as illusory as Kerry raising taxes to 90%.

Posted by: ace on August 31, 2005 04:37 PM

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Top Headlines

TJM definitively ranks the films of Alfred Hitchcock

@KFILE 21m

Politico is reporting that multiple people have abruptly resigned from Eric Swalwell's gubernatorial campaign: "Members of senior leadership have departed the campaign, including Courtni Pugh, a strategic adviser who served as Swalwell's top liaison to organized labor groups."

So the campaign is collapsing due to the truth of the sexual harassment allegations.
That hissing sound you hear is the air going out of the Swalwell campaign. UPDATE: No it wasn't, it was just Swalwell one-cheek-sneaking out a fart on camera
Eric Swalwell more like Eric Farewell amirite
thanks to weft-cut loop.

This is the dumbest AI bullslop I've seen in a while: the CIA can use "quantum magnetometry" to track an individual man's heartbeat from twelve miles away
I wouldn't click on it, it's not interesting, it's just stupid clickslop. I just want to share my annoyance with you.

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Classic Rock Mystery Click
This is super-obscure and I only barely remember it. Given that, I'll give you the hint that it's by the Red Rocker.
And I guess you think you've got it made
Oh, but then, you never were afraid
Of anything that you've left behind
Oh, but it's alright with me now
'Cause I'll get back up somehow
And with a little luck, yes, I'm bound to win
Now twenty people will tell me it's not obscure, it was huge in their hometown and played at their prom. That's how it usually goes. When I linked Donnie Iris's "Love is Like a Rock," everyone said they knew that one and that his other song (which I didn't know at all) Ah Leah! was huge in their area.

Sarah Longwell spotting

Tuq'r's makeover is 100!

Alfred Hitchcock learns to talk with TJM

Ryan Long goes to the No Kings rally to pick up young liberal hotties and is greatly disappointed in the quality of the mish
thanks to stevey

You know we "joke" about the GOPe just "conserving" leftist things?
David French just posted:

Populists ask what conservativism has ever conserved?
Well its about to conserve birthright citizenship!
Posted by: 18-1

I couldn't hate this queen of the cuck-chair more if it paid seven figures and came with a corner office.

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Kid punks CNN chump by speaking truth to retard

Podcast: CBD and Sefton talk birthright citizenship, the 14th Amendment and SCOTUS, no boots in Iran, Artemis II and refocusing NASA, the NBA's hatred of everything non-woke, and more!

In more marketing for Project Hail Mary, scientists say they've found the biosigns indicating life growing on an alien planet. It's not proof, just signatures of chemicals that are produced by biological metabolism, and it could be nothing, but scientists think it's a strong sign that this planet is inhabited by something.

In a paper published in the Astrophysical Journal Letters, a team of scientists announced the detection of dimethyl sulfide (along with a similar detection of dimethyl disulfide) in the atmosphere of an exoplanet called K2-18b. This is actually the second detection of dimethyl sulfide made on this planet, following a tentative detection in 2023.
Tons of chemicals are detected in the atmospheres of celestial objects every day. But dimethyl sulfide is different, because on Earth, it's only produced by living organisms.
"It is a shock to the system," Nikku Madhusudhan, first author on the paper, told the New York Times. "We spent an enormous amount of time just trying to get rid of the signal."

He means they tried to prove the signal was caused by things other than dimethyl sulfide but they could not.

Artemis moon shot a go, scheduled for 6:24 Eastern time tonight
Great marketing arranged by Amazon to promote Project Hail Mary. Okay not really but it does work out that way.

TJM talks John Boorman, director of Excalibur

Good rickroll

What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.