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September 30, 2004

Breaking News: Apolitical Citizens Worry That John Kerry Will Raise Taxes to 90% on All Income Levels and Outlaw Christianity

I'm really concerned about this, and I just got an email about it getting me "all riled up."

Tell your friends about this outrage so that CBS News will then "cover the worry that's out there" without disclosing that these worries are in fact without any substantiation whatsoever, and that, indeed, it seems to be hard-core Republicans entirely behind these rumors.

I know CBS News will cover these worries o' mine, because they just assured Bill from INDC that partisanship had nothing at all to do with pushing the Democrats' attack-of-the-week about the draft.

posted by Ace at 01:59 AM

Comments

What?! Ban Jesus?!? LIKE HELL!!!

Posted by: Johnny Walker Red on September 30, 2004 02:46 AM

I worry about Kerry's threats of physical violence if the war doesn't end soon. A group of his distributed flyers a while ago that said this:
A U.S. INFANTRY COMPANY JUST CAME THROUGH HERE!

IF YOU HAD BEEN VIETNAMESE---

We might have burned your house

We might have shot your dog

We might have shot you . . .

We might have raped your wife and daughter

We might have turned you over to your government for torture

We might have taken souvenirs from your property

We might have shot things up a bit . . .

We might have done ALL these things to you

and your whole TOWN!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Anyone who would threaten ordinary citizens in this way needs to be stopped. The information is over 30 years old, but we know that's irrelevant to CBS. One thing this has over the CBS fakeries: the lines above came from a REAL document.

Posted by: Dave Sheridan on September 30, 2004 04:55 AM

Ninety percent taxes AND no more Jesus! That man Kerry has got to be stopped!

I am deeply worried. I can't eat, much. I plan to lie awake at nights, or maybe skip my nap.

I'm so glad you put this information 'out there', Ace. It needs to be 'looked into' by 'professional journalists'. (Note to CBS: Even though I contributed to George Bush, I am an independant undecided swing voter available for interviews.)

Posted by: lyle on September 30, 2004 06:06 AM

Where in Hell is the Siren on this story? Post one immediately please....

Posted by: Don Northrop on September 30, 2004 10:53 AM

As a very independent-minded Democrat, I'm concerned that Kerry would say such a thing. And I don't want anyone criticizing my independent-mindedness just because I happen to run a completely non-partisan group called Slavic Plumbers Against 90% Taxes and Outlawing Jesus.

Posted by: Sobek on September 30, 2004 11:11 AM

This is a serious issue! George W. Bush, a concerned citizen, said "I go to bed every night, and I pray, and I actually get sick to my stomach. I'm very worried I'm scared. I'm absolutely scared, I'm petrified."

Mr. Bush is a democrat, but will consider voting republican this year. "I'd vote for Howdy Doody if it would save the bible!", said Mr. Bush.

Posted by: kevin on September 30, 2004 11:23 AM

I think I've seen several posted blog comments that Kerry intends to sterilize all Republican males within 30 days of his election. CBS: you need to broadcast this story...tell Gunga-Dan that "Kenneth" could be his primary source for this.

Posted by: The Old Coot on September 30, 2004 11:29 AM

Ace, as I know you're a huge fan of Andrew Sullivan, I think you'll be interested in my comments on his latest antics here. I've come up with a great idea for how you can finally make the money you want from blogging.

Posted by: Sobek on September 30, 2004 11:48 AM

I'm shocked, stunned, overwhelmed, scared, horrified, terrified, outraged, irate, confused, disombobulated, in despair and desperate (and linked).

What are we going to do?

Oh shit, my irritable bowel syndrome just kicked in.

Posted by: Bohemian Conservative on September 30, 2004 01:15 PM

Sent an email to CBS Evening News asking that I be interviewed. After all, I've been lying awake all morning with an upset stomach after reading ALL the emails about the pending Kerry tax hike. Suddenly it dawned on me, the evening news is really a new comedy sketch, those clever guys! And all this time I was taking them seriously. :o)

Posted by: GarandFan on September 30, 2004 01:17 PM

Sobek, fix your comments yet?

Posted by: lauraw on September 30, 2004 04:07 PM

LauraW, I posted a comment on Haloscan's tech help board, and apparently that did the trick. By the time the techies looked at my blog, they couldn't find anything wrong.

Posted by: Sobek on September 30, 2004 06:37 PM

Kerry wants 90 percent and all Bush wants is your first born son. I know who I'll choose.

Posted by: Efuu on November 6, 2004 10:35 AM

What planet do all of you come from who have posted information on this site???? Crawl out of your holes and wake up! It is scary knowing people like you live in my country. Actually, it would probably be better to have you stay in your holes.

Posted by: Normal Person on August 31, 2005 04:28 PM

At least none of us are posting moronic comments on a nearly one year old post.

Posted by: Slublog on August 31, 2005 04:32 PM

Idiot,

It was a parody post. I was making fun of CBS for reporting of alleged fears of citizens that Bush would reinstate the draft-- a fear just as illusory as Kerry raising taxes to 90%.

Posted by: ace on August 31, 2005 04:37 PM

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-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

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🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

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Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

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Only a cult does this.