An Open Letter to My Most Recent Spammer

Dear "Colin,"

I regret to inform you that I must decline your offer to "check out" your "hot new webcam." What you may do with your "buff, sexy young friends" is your business, but not mine.

Furthermore, I do not appreciate your unsolicited invitation to participate in "sexy hot web-chat or whatever you're into."

It's the "whatever" that especially bothers me. "Whatever" covers an awful lot of ground in a place I'd really rather not go.

I thank you for your thoughtfulness in offering me what you believe to be a "can't-miss deal." I wish you continued success in your endeavors to "provide the hottest man-on-man action available on the Internet" as well as "the world's biggest archive of candid photos of bi-curious freshmen."

Heterosexually,

Ace of Spades HQ

PS: I believe the photo you sent me, identified as "Blake from Princeton," is actually a shot of Sam J. Johnson from Flash Gordon. The "Flash" t-shirt is a definite tip-off, as is the fact that he's speaking with Max Von Sydow as Ming the Merciless (and not a "Discipline-Obsessed Spanish Teacher," as your caption mistakenly alleges).

I trust you will correct this misidentification as promptly as possible.

PPS: On the other hand, I find your offer of "natural male enhancement" intriguing.

Does this "natural male enhancement" involve guano? Because I've tried that, and the only thing that enhanced was the propensity of my dork to stink of batshit.

Furthermore, whenever I put on the cream, I notice that hummingbirds keep flying directly into my package. I don't know if that's due to the guano or the "exotic berry extract" lotion I'm also using but, either way, it's a tremendous distraction at work.

As you can probably imagine.

Assuming your "new patented miracle formula" contains only trace amounts of bat guano and/or rare Asian fruits, please send me an information packet and free sample.