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August 27, 2004

Steven Seagal: Don't Rent to Him

Three years ago, the star of numerous not quite straight-to-video cinema classics such as "Hard to Kill," "Marked for Death" and "Exit Wounds" contacted the villa's owner, identified only as Edeltraud V., about renting the property. Offering €30,000 in rent for an eight-month stay, she accepted and Seagal and crew moved in for the winter.

Fast forward to 2004 and Edeltraud is still, to use the title of one of Seagal's own films, "Out for Justice" and still paying the price for the martial arts star's stay at her home. The landlady has once again appeared before a court in Berlin this week to demand damages of €170,000 from Seagal for what has been called the wanton destruction of the property.

It is alleged that Seagal and his crew went on a riot throughout the villa and "disassembled" doors, wooden flooring and wallpaper. It is also claimed that the "Under Siege" star and friends ignored the lavatory and urinated every where but.

...

The whole sorry business, she says, has in fact had damaging consequences on her own reputation and business. The villa was due to house superstar Tom Cruise while he films "Mission: Impossible 3" in Berlin but now, possibly due to the continuing furor over the Seagal case, Cruise has pulled out. The thought of staying in a house with alleged Seagal pee all over the walls clearly doesn't appeal.

I think that goes without saying.

Update: Steven Seagal, Master of the Pan Flute.

Well, okay, that's someone else. But Dave tips me that Steven Seagal, the first Westerner to earn a triple-degree black belt in Hubristic Ego, fancies himself a musician.

The music is very anodyne and pretty useless, but it is, alas, not as spectacularly awful as I'd hoped.

Can he sing? Not really. He sort of warbles in time, but again, I'm very disappointed that he's not worse.

posted by Ace at 04:32 PM

Comments

One thing going for him, however, is that he brought down the corrupt Ted-Kennedy-look-a-like character in Hard to Kill.

Posted by: Smack on August 27, 2004 04:46 PM

Steven Seagal: The Proudest Son of Staten Island, NY.

*sounds of quiet sobbing*

Posted by: Il Padrino on August 27, 2004 05:00 PM

That stuck up Tom Cruise ... won't stay in a house soaked in urine. What a panty-waist!

Posted by: george on August 27, 2004 05:41 PM

Ace, are you familiar with this Seagal story?

"Gene LeBell [former wrestler/judo champion turned stuntman] was working on a film set with Seagal, training before shooting. At one point Seagal told LeBell that he didn't believe he could be knocked unconscious with a choke, and offered to prove it. LeBell then cranked on a rear-naked choke until Seagal's bowels or bladder relaxed."

Posted by: zetetic on August 27, 2004 05:51 PM

Yeah, but the question is, can he *sing*?

http://www.stevenseagal.com/music.html

Dave
Arlington, Virginia

Posted by: Dave on August 27, 2004 05:59 PM

Executive Decision would have been a spectacularly sucky film but for its saving grace - Seagal dies in the first 10 minutes.

Sweet.

Posted by: blaster on August 27, 2004 07:04 PM

Joe Queenan coined the term scheissenbedauern to describe that feeling of disappointment you get when something doesn't suck as totally as you'd hoped it would. For one reason or another it never caught on.

Posted by: Paul Zrimsek on August 27, 2004 09:00 PM

At one time, I admired the man's moves, but since he turned into Hollyweird's go to guy for conspiracy theory enviro-wacko drivel posing as action movies, I've moved on.

Now all my favorite martial artists are masters of Colt, Smith & Wesson, Kel-Tec, etc.

Posted by: Mr. Bowen on August 27, 2004 09:45 PM

Ace, I had the *exact* same opinion/feeling of disappointment when I first listened to his music.

"Hmmm. It's bad alright, but not William Hung bad. Nor even funny Shatner/Hasselhoff bad. Darn."

I wonder what the musical equivalent of a "skull-cracking kick-ass pool hall fight scene" is. Whatever it might be, Stevie Tonto Vishnu Yoko Ono Seagal ain't got it. Oh well. This could have been something special, comparable to a "Will Ferrell channelling Neil Diamond" level of glazed ham.

I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Steven Seagal!

Dave
Arlington, Virginia

Posted by: Dave on August 28, 2004 12:09 AM

Tell Bob Dole he claimed to be a war hero or something. Bob Dole will then shove a pencil in his neck, because Bob Dole is not a guy you want to fuck with when Bob Dole is angry.

Posted by: Joe R. on August 28, 2004 02:15 AM


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Fast forward to 2004 and Edeltraud is still, to use the title of one of Seagal's own films, "Out for Justice" and still paying the price for the martial arts star's stay at her home. The landlady has once again appeared before a court in Berlin this week to demand damages of €170,000 from Seagal for what has been called the wanton destruction of the property. It is alleged that Seagal and his crew went on a riot throughout the villa and "disassembled" doors, wooden flooring and wallpaper. It is also claimed that the "Under Siege" star and friends ignored the lavatory and urinated every where but. ... The whole sorry business, she says, has in fact had damaging consequences on her own reputation and business. The villa was due to house superstar Tom Cruise while he films "Mission: Impossible 3" in Berlin but now, possibly due to the continuing furor over the Seagal case, Cruise has pulled out. The thought of staying in a house with alleged Seagal pee all over the walls clearly doesn't appeal. I think that goes without saying. Update: Steven Seagal, Master of the Pan Flute. Well, okay, that's someone else. But Dave tips me that Steven Seagal, the first Westerner to earn a triple-degree black belt in Hubristic Ego, fancies himself a musician. The music is very anodyne and pretty useless, but it is, alas, not as spectacularly awful as I'd hoped. Can he sing? Not really. He sort of warbles in time, but again, I'm very disappointed that he's not worse. posted by Ace at 04:32 PM Comments One thing going for him, however, is that he brought down the corrupt Ted-Kennedy-look-a-like character in Hard to Kill. Posted by: Smack on August 27, 2004 04:46 PM Steven Seagal: The Proudest Son of Staten Island, NY. sounds of quiet sobbing Posted by: Il Padrino on August 27, 2004 05:00 PM That stuck up Tom Cruise ... won't stay in a house soaked in urine. What a panty-waist! Posted by: george on August 27, 2004 05:41 PM Ace, are you familiar with this Seagal story? "Gene LeBell [former wrestler/judo champion turned stuntman] was working on a film set with Seagal, training before shooting. At one point Seagal told LeBell that he didn't believe he could be knocked unconscious with a choke, and offered to prove it. LeBell then cranked on a rear-naked choke until Seagal's bowels or bladder relaxed." Posted by: zetetic on August 27, 2004 05:51 PM Yeah, but the question is, can he sing? http://www.stevenseagal.com/music.html Dave Arlington, Virginia Posted by: Dave on August 27, 2004 05:59 PM Executive Decision would have been a spectacularly sucky film but for its saving grace - Seagal dies in the first 10 minutes. Sweet. Posted by: blaster on August 27, 2004 07:04 PM Joe Queenan coined the term scheissenbedauern to describe that feeling of disappointment you get when something doesn't suck as totally as you'd hoped it would. For one reason or another it never caught on. Posted by: Paul Zrimsek on August 27, 2004 09:00 PM At one time, I admired the man's moves, but since he turned into Hollyweird's go to guy for conspiracy theory enviro-wacko drivel posing as action movies, I've moved on. Now all my favorite martial artists are masters of Colt, Smith & Wesson, Kel-Tec, etc. Posted by: Mr. Bowen on August 27, 2004 09:45 PM Ace, I had the exact same opinion/feeling of disappointment when I first listened to his music. "Hmmm. It's bad alright, but not William Hung bad. Nor even funny Shatner/Hasselhoff bad. Darn." I wonder what the musical equivalent of a "skull-cracking kick-ass pool hall fight scene" is. Whatever it might be, Stevie Tonto Vishnu Yoko Ono Seagal ain't got it. Oh well. This could have been something special, comparable to a "Will Ferrell channelling Neil Diamond" level of glazed ham. I'll smack you in the mouth, I'm Steven Seagal! Dave Arlington, Virginia Posted by: Dave on August 28, 2004 12:09 AM Tell Bob Dole he claimed to be a war hero or something. Bob Dole will then shove a pencil in his neck, because Bob Dole is not a guy you want to fuck with when Bob Dole is angry. Posted by: Joe R. on August 28, 2004 02:15 AM Post a comment Name: Email Address: URL: Comments: Remember info?	Now Available! The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines Podcast: Birthright Citizenship? The Democratic Socialists of the Democrat Party are ascendant, the President's misstep about gas prices, and more! 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