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August 20, 2004

"The Mother of All Backlashes"

"Out of desperation, the Bush campaign has picked the wrong fight with the wrong veteran," said Jim Jordan, former Kerry campaign manager who now runs an outside group airing ads against Bush. "Today's the start of the mother of all backlashes." -- quoted by Wizbang

Kerry Campaign Hires New Spokesman to Handle SwiftVets' Allegations

Q. It has now been established, and tacitly admitted by the Kerry Camp, that John Kerry was never in Cambodia as he has repeatedly claimed over the years. Do you believe this diminishes Senator Kerry's credibility and/or capacity to act as commander-in-chief?

A. (Kerry Spokesman Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf, aka "Baghdad Bob"): These are a pack of crusader lies. Lies and fabrications of the warmonger Bush. John Kerry was in Cambodia on Christmas. John Forbes Kerry lived in Cambodia for six months, deployed deep behind enemy lines, disguising himself for weeks on end as a disused highway men's lavatory. John Forbes Kerry lived in a pool of his own filth for months in order to secure his great victory over the Infidel Invaders of Cambodia.

His own filth, and that of others, Allah be praised.

Q. Changing the subject a little, John Kerry admits, in broad outlines, that the SwiftVets' account of the sampan engagement is true. He admits that an unarmed woman and infant child were shot to death on the sampan. And yet John Kerry's official after-action-report -- submitted to the Navy as the officially sworn account of events -- makes no such mention of the killed woman and child. This would seem to be an intentional omission, almost certainly unethical, and likely illegal. How do you respond?

A. Lies, lies, outrageous lies concocted by the Jew minions of the Jew Satan!!! John Forbes Kerry scored a magnificent victory over that unarmed woman and infant! Let the Rolls of Honor kept by Mohammed himself record that John Forbes Kerry acted like a Lion of Baghdad when he shot that child! It made a threatening motion.

Q. What sort of threatening motion?

A. It blew a spit-bubble, and then it shat itself.

Q. Is that really threatening?

A. Have you ever changed a diaper? You must deal firmly with these little stinkers. Next question.

Q. The SwiftVets allege that two of John Kerry's Purple Hearts were awarded for injuries sustained from something other than hostile fire, and that furthermore both of these injuries were extraodinarily superficial, and not the sort of injuries typically deserving of a citation. The number of men stating that there was no hostile fire on these occasions greatly exceeds the number of men stating that there was. Do you have a response?

A. I would like to respond to that question with a two-part answer.

Part One. There was hostile enemy fire on both occasions. The sky was so full of bullets and shells that, by Allah, the very sun was blotted from the sky, and the earth shrouded in deathly shadow. Furthermore, John Forbes Kerry's injuries were severe. His head was taken clean off by an RPG fired by the Infidel Cong. It took him three weeks to recover.

Part Two: There are no infidels in Baghdad! None! It is all a concoction of the Zionist entity! By Allah's grace, the entrails of the miscreants will roast in hell for the very blasphemy of this lie!!!

Q. That's non-responsive.

A. No, YOU are non-responsive! You will burn in the fires of the unclean for your impudence.

Q. Thank you for your time.

A. And thank you for your time. If you need a transcript of this interview, I will have it ready for you within the hour. Now, good day to you all.

(as press conference breaks up)

How did I do?

Q. Better than ever. Good to have you back.

A. Thank you very much. I'm just so tickled to be back on CNN.

Oh, and all of your bodies will rot and fester in the graveyards that are the Iraqi deserts. But I think that much is obvious.

Welcome New Readers! This post is getting more links than I expected, so let me do some self-advertisement and direct you to some posts that I think are funnier:

Top Ten Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Forbes Kerry. He says he's "fascinated" by hip-hop, you know.

A little strange, but give it a chance: Top Ten Points of Comparison Between John Forbes Kerry and Bigfoot.

And, if you're annoyed by Oliver Willis as much as I am, try taking the Oliver Willis SAT's.

The Backlash Hasn't Begun Quite Yet Update: Kelly tips to this letter to Mark Steyn from a vet who knew Kerry from the VVAW:

I met John Kerry when I became a member of the Vietnam Veterans Against the War in 1971. If I were running for office, I might be tempted to say that I joined the WAW because I was opposed to the war. The truth was less noble. I was broke, their offices were a convenient crash pad and you could meet a hell of lot of loose women by going to demonstrations as a “Vet”.

...

John was clearly on the make, but he was also a classic preppy mook. He wanted so much to be one of the people like Scott Camille who had been “stone killers” but after a few minutes of talking to him it was clear that he was one of the guys who never knew where the fire was coming from even when the enemy were using tracers.

...I missed what would have been my one and only purple heart by deciding to get a cup of coffee about 30 seconds before an RPG cut through the outer bulkhead on the O-1 level of my LST and turned the mattress I been lying on into confetti. (Mr. Roberts in reverse; ever since then, I have never turned down an opportunity for caffeine).

John’s only replay was something along the lines of “Man, it was hell.” I doubt it. There were few safer places to be in Viet-Nam than the Mekong after Tet. The VC had been pretty much wiped out, and the NVA never made any serious attempts to use the rivers.

What I do not doubt is that John successfully gamed the system to get his 3 purples and his quick ticket home. I suppose I should be bitter about it, but life is too short; and you have to look at it from the point of view of his fellow sailors. The ones who knew what they were doing also knew that a guy that arrogantly dumb was a menace. He could get you killed. Better to ship him home.

John’s current stature as a “war hero” is a measure of how few Americans - even those of the “Greatest Generation” – have ever seen the sharp end of war.

posted by Ace at 05:02 PM

Comments

Posted by: Smack on August 20, 2004 05:19 PM

Weisenheimer.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 05:23 PM

I'm quick on the draw.

Posted by: Smack on August 20, 2004 05:30 PM

Saipan engagement? First Kerry was in Cambodia, and now he was killing people on Saipan? Wait till this hits the internet!

(did you mean sampan, perhaps? I think that's the boat.)

(This is hilarious, BTW. But that guy looks nothing like Chris Matthews.)

Posted by: see-dub on August 20, 2004 05:31 PM

Yes, I already changed it.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 05:32 PM

Cool. Just being a weisenheimer.

Posted by: See-dubya on August 20, 2004 05:34 PM

Yes, I know. It's just an embarassing mistake that can't really be called a pure typo.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 05:37 PM

Muy excellente. You've done it again Ace.

Posted by: dano on August 20, 2004 05:49 PM

One last thing--maybe you should link the original "mother of all backlash" quote/item to this post? This is even funnier when you realize that the JFK campaign is ACTUALLY USING this sort of desperate Baghdad-speak.

Posted by: see-dubya on August 20, 2004 06:28 PM

Okay, I will.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 06:30 PM

Okay, I added it. It helps build the "Comedy Pyramid."

But it's not the actual John Forbes Kerry camapign who said it.

It's just his former campaign manager, who runs an "independent" advocacy group which does not coordinate at all with the DNC or Kerry campaign.

No relation at all, you see.

Posted by: ace on August 20, 2004 06:34 PM

"The Comedy Pyramid"? That's new. Enlighten us, please.

And enlighten us on this: Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, with only the most tenuous connections to the actual campaign (e.g., Bush is from Texas, and so is John O' Neill) are a Bush "front group"; while an unnamed 527 (or whatever)headed by John Kerry's *former campaign manager* is just an "independent advocacy group"?

Maybe Karl Rove could resign and start up his own "independent advocacy group" as well.

Posted by: See Dubya on August 20, 2004 06:53 PM

Speaking of backlash, Kerry's now filed a suit:

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=1506&u=/afp/20040820/ts_alt_afp/us_vote_kerry_vietnam_040820214246&printer=1

I've done a quick blog on it, nothing up to Ace's abilities. But the links I have are informative as well.

Sorry to linkwhore, but this one's interesting.

Posted by: Brian B on August 20, 2004 07:06 PM

Hilarious! By the way, what the hell DID happen to Baghdad Bob?

Posted by: Dave E on August 20, 2004 10:21 PM

Dave E: If my memory doesn't betray me, i believe he was hired by a Arab news network. Don't think it was Al Jazeera though.

Posted by: madne0 on August 20, 2004 10:35 PM

God bless Google! Apparently he's working for Abu Dhabi TV.

Posted by: madne0 on August 20, 2004 10:37 PM

Now there's an election ad concept for you, Baghdad Bob going on in fine fashion about John Kerry for 25 seconds, then a voice-over, "...at least someone in this campaign has a sense of humor. My name is George Bush, and I approve this message."

Posted by: cthulhu on August 20, 2004 11:58 PM

Announcements everyone...

The well-reknowned Kristinn of FreeRepublic (http://www.dcchapter.com/) is the newest member of the Axis of Poetry and will be taking over Wednesdays. The Grand Vizier, who formerly had Wednesdays, has been on a blogging hiatus since his debilitating colon injury while working backstage at a Toby Keith concert. As for Kristinn, he is famed for his relentless stalking of Hillary Clinton and was voted FreeRepublic (DC Chapter) Port-a-Potty Monitor of the Year 2003. Way to go Kristinn!! Kristinn blogs about Korean War re-enactments, BBQing with alternative meats, and the many 'special' uses of high-fructose corn syrup. Truly special!! Additionally, he's a big Brooks & Dunn fan, which is super excellent!! We all love that Boot scootin' Boogie!!

Welcome aboard Kristinn!!

jheka

Posted by: jheka on August 21, 2004 12:31 AM

See Dubya: For examples of the contstruction of the Comedy Pyramid, see the comments attached to Ace's Top Tens of yesterday/earlier today.

Examples abound. For instance, when you scratch a joke because the poop-joke quotient is too high, and then use up one of your masturbation joke allocation to fill in, that's the sort of craftsmanship we're talking about. You don't find that sort of artisanship everywhere, ya know. And it shows in the results, typified by my cleaning coffee-spit from my desk.

Posted by: Patton on August 21, 2004 01:30 AM

Very funny site you have here. Too bad it's all based on lies though. But keep up the great work...Im sure JFK will appreciate all the votes these lies send his way! Death to shit barge vets that lie for money!

Posted by: Larry on August 21, 2004 04:00 AM

Patton, "shit barge vets that lie for money?" Let me tell you something, chicken shit dirtbag. The "shit barge vets" have seen more "shit" than you ever did at that liberal arts college you partied at while others put their life on the line. And speaking of lies for money, my bucks say that Giggolo Jean Effin Kerrie and his 2nd billionairess wife keep the Bandaid of Brothers living large, as long as the lies keep flowing freely. By the way, I think the polls show that the votes are heading in the opposite direction. And the "Patton" tag, that's a hoot. When did you pick up that moniker? Playing with your GI Joe while the real men were face to face with AK47s and RPGs?

Posted by: sinic on August 21, 2004 07:53 AM

Whatever the hell happened to Baghdad Bob anyways?

Posted by: Macker on August 21, 2004 08:11 AM

sinic;
In your apoplexy, you failed to notice that Larry is the liberal hippy douche, not Patton.
But we forgive you because we know you were blinded by rage. Or drunkenness. Or a sloppy blind drunken rage.

And Macker, the answer to your question is found in the above comments on this post.

Sheesh.

Posted by: lauraw on August 21, 2004 10:50 AM

"Shit barge vets"???

Funny how the Anonymity of the Internet gives "people" the confidence to act out in ways they'd never have the BALLS for in public.

I'd like to meet you. Just once...

Posted by: Fretless on August 21, 2004 10:51 AM

A simple <hr> tag between postings would be nice...

And that's the first time I've heard of Kerry commanding a "Shit Barge", but hey, he's your guy, so you must consider that a compliment.

Posted by: Raoul Ortega on August 21, 2004 11:09 AM

OMG!!1! Sfwit Boaats are teh funny! Kerry is suk! Ha ha ha! Teh Baghdad guy is a fake and so is teh Kerry!!1!! it is teh brilianat!

Posted by: please on August 21, 2004 04:57 PM

Thank you for my best laugh in a long time. When I saw the picture of Baghdad Bob, I laughed so hard that my family became more convinced of my 'blog addiction insanity.' Bravo!

Posted by: Pat on August 21, 2004 05:25 PM

Note to JFK: Just sign the 180, John.

Posted by: RKA on August 21, 2004 11:26 PM

Spot on, RKA. Wonder why he hasn't done that?

Posted by: lauraw on August 22, 2004 05:11 PM

tanks! for the great laugh! kerry is so much fun, almost as much fun as the clintons were. it's just too bad that they take themselves so seriously.

Posted by: bea elysian on August 23, 2004 12:36 AM

I have wandered into a strange, but brilliant place...I do not belong here, because I am secretly in love with Baghdad Bob..Shhh! See what you've done with your madness.. Don't tell, I have guns and I am a Texan. I have a yacht, sampans are for sissies.

Posted by: Sarah on August 24, 2004 01:19 AM

I enjoy reading through this informal place. I will surely visit you again to see if anything new appears on it.
Good luck for the future.

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Posted by: Lou on December 28, 2004 05:00 AM

Posted by: Personal Banker on May 28, 2005 06:53 AM