Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support
Harris Poll: 47-47 Tie Among Likely Voters; Bush Approval at 48 (51% Negative) | Main | Ace of Spades HQ Flashback: Friday's Bonus Top Ten
August 20, 2004

The Myths, Legends, and Tall Tales Begin Crumbling...

The New York Times desperately tries to pack the toothpaste back into the tube, but the truth is now out and it's not going away.

jfkvn.jpgb2.jpg
L to R: John Forbes Kerry, "Bigfoot." No reliable reports ever place either in Cambodia.

I hate to get ahead of myself, but as Leonardo DiCaprio said in Titanic just before the final rise and fall of the breaking ship: "This is it!"

Update-- Know Your Shaggy-Haired Apocryphal Creatures!

Top Ten Points of Comparison Between Alleged Humanoid Bigfoot and Alleged "War Hero" John Forbes Kerry

10. Bigfoot stands 8'3"; John Forbes Kerry, slightly taller

9. John Forbes Kerry sports an importantly-coifed mane of hair meticulously stylized by one of America's most expensive tonsorial artistes; Bigfoot once masturbated behind a Portland SuperCuts

8. Bigfoot subsists mainly on roots, nuts, and berries; John Forbes Kerry subsists cheifly on a diet of foie gras and lonely heiresses

7. John Forbes Kerry attended an exclusive Swiss finishing school and the tony St. Paul's Academy for Boys, and has all of the refinements that an elite education and aristocratic pedigree can provide; Bigfoot, by contrast, wipes his ass with tree bark and pumice

6. Bigfoot is alleged to have stalked and killed at least five Pacific Northwest hikers; John Forbes Kerry is suspected in only three such disappearances

5. John Forbes Kerry prefers the pasttimes of the idle rich, such as "kite-surfing" and "extreme biking;" Bigfoot is an ace at Pictionary and Boggle

4. John Forbes Kerry briefly dated actress Morgan Fairchild in the 1980's; oddly enough, so did Bigfoot

3. John Forbes Kerry enjoys fox-hunting with horse and beagle; Bigfoot employs less refined methods for killing small game, such as farting in gopher holes

2. John Forbes Kerry is a personal friend of Peter Yarrow of Peter, Paul, and Mary; Bigfoot once toured with Foghat

...and the Number One Comparison Between Bigfoot and John Kerry...

1. One is a shadowy, elusive freak of nature concocted by fabulists and childish imaginations; the other is called "Sasquatch" by North American Indians

Correction: Hondo points out that Kerry didn't attend Andover, but rather St. Paul's. I've corrected that mistake.

All other information in this Top Ten is, of course, completely accurate.


digg this
posted by Ace at 12:53 AM

| Access Comments




Recent Comments
Bill D. Cat: "Strange things are afoot at the HQ . ..."

Donna and V.: "Since when have leftists been unwilling to sacrifi ..."

Misanthropic Humanitarian : "69 40 Ham is racist. Posted by: wooga at Sept ..."

doug ( who could show you some amazing Poloroids ): "abuse is usually local / familiar.  Most peop ..."

wheatie: "65 [i]Looks like our choices will be communism or ..."

ThunderB: "When you hear council worker think social worker a ..."

garrett: "[I]Around $500 million and it's been estimated tha ..."

Mr. Terrific: "majority of convicted abusers in Britain are white ..."

Zhytamyr : "24 Justice would be a row of gibbets. With a r ..."

Truck Monkey, as Voiced by Brian Dennehy: "I am proudly islamophobic..... maybe that's not th ..."

Christopher Taylor: "The police destroyed evidence, and council workers ..."

doug ( who could show you some amazing Poloroids ): "not indicting the English; the NYT commenters do t ..."

Recent Entries
Search


MuNuvians
Polls! Polls! Polls!
Frequently Asked Questions
The (Almost) Complete Paul Anka Integrity Kick
Top Top Tens
Greatest Hitjobs

The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon
A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates
Margaret Cho: Just Not Funny
More Margaret Cho Abuse
Margaret Cho: Still Not Funny
Iraqi Prisoner Claims He Was Raped... By Woman
Wonkette Announces "Morning Zoo" Format
John Kerry's "Plan" Causes Surrender of Moqtada al-Sadr's Militia
World Muslim Leaders Apologize for Nick Berg's Beheading
Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree
Milestone: Oliver Willis Posts 400th "Fake News Article" Referencing Britney Spears
Liberal Economists Rue a "New Decade of Greed"
Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility
Intelligence Officials Eye Blogs for Tips
They Done Found Us Out, Cletus: Intrepid Internet Detective Figures Out Our Master Plan
Shock: Josh Marshall Almost Mentions Sarin Discovery in Iraq
Leather-Clad Biker Freaks Terrorize Australian Town
When Clinton Was President, Torture Was Cool
What Wonkette Means When She Explains What Tina Brown Means
Wonkette's Stand-Up Act
Wankette HQ Gay-Rumors Du Jour
Here's What's Bugging Me: Goose and Slider
My Own Micah Wright Style Confession of Dishonesty
Outraged "Conservatives" React to the FMA
An On-Line Impression of Dennis Miller Having Sex with a Kodiak Bear
The Story the Rightwing Media Refuses to Report!
Our Lunch with David "Glengarry Glen Ross" Mamet
The House of Love: Paul Krugman
A Michael Moore Mystery (TM)
The Dowd-O-Matic!
Liberal Consistency and Other Myths
Kepler's Laws of Liberal Media Bias
John Kerry-- The Splunge! Candidate
"Divisive" Politics & "Attacks on Patriotism" (very long)
The Donkey ("The Raven" parody)
News/Chat
Archives
Powered by
Movable Type 2.64