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The Myths, Legends, and Tall Tales Begin Crumbling... | Main | The Daisy Ad Has Nothing on the SwiftVets
August 20, 2004

Ace of Spades HQ Flashback: Friday's Bonus Top Ten

Well, I kinda like my Bigfoot list, and I'm hoping for some fresh traffic.

So, maybe I'll put up this personal-favorite Top Ten that most of the new readers haven't ever seen.

"I'm fascinated by rap and by hip-hop. I think there's a lot of poetry in it. There's a lot of anger, a lot of social energy in it. And I think you'd better listen to it pretty carefully, 'cause it's important.

"I'm still listening because I know that it's a reflection of the street and a reflection of life, and I understand all that." -- John "The Pandering Princeling" Kerry

...from the special one-time Home Office in Compton, LA...

Top Ten Signs of Hip-Hop Influence on John Forbes Kerry

10. Is on record as a staunch opponent of "frontin'" oil corporations, but supports small family-owned businesses which are "just tryin' to represent"

9. Frequently concludes anti-Bush speeches by dropping microphone and exposing his "Senator Thug" belly-tatoo

8. Never once worked for the man; got himself some high-payin' bitches and has just been pimpin' and chillin' with the bling-bling ever since

7. Pro-"jimmies," but favors controlling "nines"

6. Developed his own martial arts style combining elements of Korean Hapkiddo and pop n' lock "robot" technique of Boogaloo Shrimp from Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

5. Has dedicated his public life to helping working American families get the tools and assistance they need for raising their "shorties"

4. Starred in late-eighties "rap-com," The Fresh Brahmin of Beacon Hill; series featured frequent cameos by senior Senator from Massachusetts, DJ Pantless Ted

3. Wrote and co-sponsored SR 371, nicknamed the "Truth and Quality in Dropping Rhymes Bill;" bill had laudable goal of finally outlawing "suckah MC's who gots no skills," but was defeated by a posse of playah-hatin' Southern Republicans on a voice-vote

2. Known for always "keeping his pimp-hand strong" when negotiating in conference

...and the Number One Sign of Hip-Hop Influence Hip-Hop on John Forbes Kerry...

1. Ron Smart's XFL nickname, "He Hate Me," was actually borrowed from Kerry's 1992 Senatorial re-election campaign slogan, "He Legislate Me"

Update-- Runners Up:

During Impeachment Trial, gave impassioned defense of Clinton in which he pleaded with fellow Senators, "Don't hate the player-- hate the game"

Vietnamese hooker singing "Me So Horny" on 2 Live Crew's eponymous single is actually John Kerry's illegitimate 'Cong daughter

Think MC Hammer's originated those Sultan-of-Swoop parachute pants? Check out John Kerry's June 1988 appearance on Meet the Press -- notice anything familiar?

Accepted a 1997 BET Spirit Award for Lifetime Achievement on behalf of Klyymaxx

At 1999 Rap for Reproductive Rights, explained the importance of the constitutional right to abortion first announced in the seminal case, Rizzle Vizzle Wadizzle

At his acceptance speech at Democratic National Convention, Kerry gave much love to the Creator, all peace to JC, props to his producers No-Bonze and Jellything from Bad Boy Entertainment, and a special "shout-out" to his agent Myron G. Herskovitz


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posted by Ace at 03:53 AM

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