Just in: Jesse Jackson has volunteered to negotiate the release of Johnny C.

Jimmy Carter expressed interest too, but only after he gives his speech to the convention.

Ace,

Hey, I donated today even before the threat to Johnny C.!

Now put the sandwich down, nice and slow...

Either I'm getting a fuckin' Ducati, or this sandwich is lunchmeat.

Wait, that's not much of a threat. That's more like a statement of current fact.

Either I'm getting an Italian crotch-rocket, or this fucking sandwich is taking one right in the fuckin' temple.

Which I imagine is somewhere on the edge of the Kaiser roll.

Its fuckin turkey, not bologna. lol

OK, just donated $25, that should pay for Johnny Coldcuts ass about 5 times over, with enough left over to cover your bandwidth for the next 6 years. ;)

If anyone would like to 'trade' for Johnny's ass (which I now own), bidding starts at 2 packs of smokes...

Ummm, no, it's light-colored bologna.

Organic bologna. Bologna without all that artificial pink-orange coloring.

1) never heard of "organic bologna" - I thought, by definition, it was "pig a$$hole".
2) also didn't realize johnny "fuckface" coldcuts was a damn hippy (not so) deep down inside - c'mon, "organic"?!?
3) assuming you're not trying to pull my third leg, I ain't never seen "bologna" that looks so much like "turkey" in my life.

I think I'm going to start a pledge drive on my site to help with my "mental anguish" over the issue...

hmmm, how would others react to your sandwich kidnapping....

John Kerry: "Although I support the release of the sandwich, I will not vote for the funds to support its release...by the way, I fought in Vietnam."

Michael Moore: (licking fingers): "Sandwich? what sandwich?"

John Edwards: "The sandwich has an excellent case against Ace for the mental stress of being held hostage and being forced to live in the other America."

Bill Maher: "Say what you want, but being a sandwich held hostage by Ace is NOT cowardly."

Teresa Heinz Kerry: "I already own 10,000,000 sandwiches so you can take yours and shove it, Ace."

Noam Chomsky: "The internet was developed by the US military industrial complex in order to control the ignornant masses. Sandwiches being kidnapped to pay for bandwidth, which should be free for everyone, is further proof of the despotism and tyranny so prevalent in America.

Ted Kennedy: "My waistline has already paid far too high of a price to sandwiches, Mr. Ace."

Hey there, Johnny. Geoffrey the Duck here. I never realized you were so into the long-distance-inspired "pork-pull" (hah!). But I think I can offer you something better. I know these rail-road tracks where we can get some of the real thing and ol' Geoffrey is an expert at getting it, let me tell ya. Why, you shoulda SEEN this Puerto Rican...

Anyway, you look like the kind of sandwich I'm interested in hangin' around with. After all: you don't want to be eaten and I don't want to be eaten. It's a perfect match so drop me a line and we'll go out and tag team it. Whaddaya say, ol' buddy?

LOL...Ace, remember the skit on the old Eddie Murphy/Joe Piscopo/Julia Louis Dreyfus era of Saturday Night Live where they had a viewer vote on whether "Louis the Lobster" should be cooked or freed?

Later they did the same with Andy Kaufman. Whereas, I seem to recall the lobster being freed, Kaufman got voted off the show forever.

What does this have to do with Johnny Coldcuts? Nothing.

That is all.

FatKid gots a little of the funny too.

Day 1 of the sandwich crisis, and still no resolution in site. It reminds this reporter of his earliest days here at the Nightline desk when the Iranian hostage situation was going on and we had to remind everyone just how many days it had lasted.

Chuck, check me on this: Was it 444 days total?

Anyway, we've evolved our reportage greatly since and so I have a brilliant new schtick: we're going to list the names of all the sandwiches slain by economically depressed blogger kidnappers, devoting a single minute of silence to honor the memory of each murdered snack as its name is read.

Can this be the end of the great Johnny Coldcuts?

Is it a gay sandwich? Is it being prevented from marrying another gay sandwich?

Just checking.

Senator,

Well, there's a more direct antecedent. National Lampoon famously ran a cover that read "Buy This Magazine Or We'll Shoot This Dog." The dog was adorable, and there was a gun to his head.

I think SNL swiped that whole schtick from NL. Although it might not be a full-swipe; Michael O'Donnahue worked at both, at this is his kind of joke, so he probably was guilty of stealing from himself.

Is Lynndie English pointing at this sandwich's wang and laughing? No? Then who gives a fuck?

Yeah, it's a fuckin' gay sandwich. Look at it.

I see some of those sprouty things on it. Not sure what you call them. They're like grass?

Bean sprouts? Is that it? Anyway, Johnny is as gay as a room full of Cher fans.

I don't know about his marital aspirations, though. Johnny's always been deeper in the closet than last year's prom dress.

I'm all man, douchebag.

True, there was once an ambisexual orgy in the coat closet at Studio 54 where a whole bunch of us were slithering over each other in a frenzy like the snakes in the Well of Fuckin' Souls.

But that was the seventies, asshole, and whoever was jerkin' my (quite literal) gerkin had small, soft hands.

Either it was a woman or it was Bill Maher. Even if it was Bill Maher-- close enough.

Yeah, Ace. I also remember that either NL or Spy ran an cover with an American Flag saying "but this issue or we burn this flag!"

But the burning question: If JCC were gay, would the operative term for his orientation be "baguette"?

This thread is so WRONG... and so funny.

Aw fer chrissakes Smitty, shoot the fucking sandwhich already.

Hell, you've been to Studio 54 and you're reduced to calling 900 numbers on Ace's nickel? Come on man, we can *definitely* do better than that. All I ask is that we stay away from the Dominican Republic.