New "Dr. Who" Series Will Not Feature Daleks

BBC Fails to Reach Terms With Daleks' Agent

Here's the weird thing: that headline isn't really a joke.

Seriously, the Daleks balked at appearing in the series, citing a disagreement over "editorial influence" over the series and especially the series' depiction of the Daleks.

As you well know, cybernetic life-forms are real bears on the issues of creative control.

And not only is that not a joke, but here's something else that isn't a joke: Part of the dispute stems from the Daleks' unhappiness at the BBC's attempts to produce a show about gay Daleks.

Exterminate, exterminate! Oh, and three Appletinis for myself and my club-mates Christopher and "Slam."

Top Ten Other Rejected Daleks Contractual Demands

10. Citing him as "creating a poisionous atmosphere for the creative process," protocol droid C-3PO barred from ever entering the set

9. Each Dalek must be supplied with his own luxury trailer during shooting, complete with entertainment center, foosball table, and "state-of-the-art facilities for live brain transplantations"

8. The BBC, on behalf of all humankind, agrees "in principle" that organic life is fundamentally inferior to "created life forms"

7. All Daleks must be supplied with an assortment of fresh citrus fruit and one (1) large bowl of M&M's with all of the brown ones taken out

6. The BBC must agree to produce and promote a Daleks album of classic pop-folk covers, to be called Feelin' Groovy: The Daleks Sing the Music of Simon & Garfunkel

5. The BBC agrees to run public-service announcements in support of the Daleks' goal of exterminating and/or enslaving all of humanity

4. The Daleks demand the BBC grant them a three-picture deal; the first film they plan is described as a "laugh-a-minute all-star racing picture" co-starring Dom DeLuise

3. The BBC must use "best business efforts" to assist in the Daleks' plot of replacing all world leaders with android doubles

2. 5% of the profits from the series must be invested in a new Michael Moore "documentary," tentatively titled The Timelords: Sinister Stormtroopers of Galactic Deceit and Evil

...and the Number One Rejected Dalk Contractual Demand...

1. The BBC agrees to run three "variety show" style televison specials starring the Daleks: A Very Daleks Christmas, Hangin' Wit' da Daleks, and You Puny Earthlings Have Precisely Five Seconds to Submit to Your Robotic Overlords (with special guest performance by Sheryl Crowe)