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June 23, 2004

Interesting "Gossip"

Not so much "gossip" as "interesting news which the regular media deems contrary to its partisan interests and thus refuses to report."

Clinton, you will be shocked to hear, has actually been less than candid regarding a story he's been telling for years (third item):

[Clinton alleges that Harvard professor Roger Porter said to him:] "The press has to have somebody in every election, and we're going to give them you. . . . We'll spend whatever we have to spend to get whoever we have to get to say whatever they have to say to take you out."

A mild-mannered presidential scholar at the Kennedy School of Government, Porter says there's one problem with Clinton's account of the conversation. "It never happened," he told The Washington Post's John Harris yesterday. "I will attest to you and swear on a stack of Bibles that I never had a conversation with him like that. He's making up the story."

Porter said he did work on a friendly basis with the then-governor of Arkansas on education, and once -- a year before the purported July 1991 conversation -- joked that Clinton should run for president as a Republican because he was too moderate for his own party. Porter, who works with the White House Historical Association, bumped into the former president just last week at the unveiling of Clinton's portrait. There was no mention of the story, which Clinton has been recounting to aides for years. "The fact that Bill Clinton has now repeated this story over and over does not make it true, although I suspect it has now become a legend in his own mind," Porter said.

Fascinating.

Let's be realistic here, shall we? Everyone is the hero of his own life story; few people actually think of themselves as "The Villain" in someone else's story. Almost everyone casts his lawbreaking, lies, and betrayals as justified in the context of his own life. Witness Bill Clinton.

It is simply implausible -- it is precisely contrary to normal human behavior -- for someone to think he's doing wrong.

It is ridiculous that someone both believes himself to be doing wrong and then proudly admits this to the person to whom he is doing wrong.

I've had enemies in my life. (Well, not "enemies," but whatever.) None of them -- not a one -- ever came up to me and said, "I think what you're doing is just swell and the best for everyone, but I'm going to oppose you because of my own very cynical and unprincipled motives."

And yet this keeps happening to Clinton and his associates. Mild-mannered Harvard historians tell him "We're going to get you." Ken Starr walks up to James Carville at an airport and loudly proclaims "We're going to roll your boy." "Roll," of course, means "mug," and "mug" doesn't mean "oppose through principled and ethical means."

Um, yeah.

Not even Darth Frickin' Vader told Luke Skywalker "I'm doing this because I'm evil." He justified his actions in terms of finally bringing order to the galaxy.

And yet Roger Porter and Ken Starr both spontaneously confess their evil motives to Clinton and his paid mouthpiece.

And on a very related note, read the first bullet-pointed item at the end to find Joe Biden making a heroic declaration to Cheney and Rumsfeld that they should resign due to their incomptenece, who are both so cowed by his righteous indictment that they endorse his statements by their guilty silence.

One would almost suspect that these people are makin' shit up on the fly.

Unbelievable! It Just Happened to Me Update: Joshua Micah Thomas Chandler Estevez Oakenshield Marshall just wrote me an email stating that he knows his position on Iraq is wrong -- "viciously wrong," in his own words -- but that he's deliberately undermining the war effort, and America's national security, "only to unseat George W. Bush for unpatriotic partisan reasons."

Wow. Okay, now I believe.

Goodness Gracious! Another one! Wonkette just Telexed me to admit that she's not very funny at all and grievously overhyped and that, in her words, "if there were any justice in the world your site would be much, much bigger than mine."

Then she offered me anal. Which I thought was quite generous of her, really.

There's a Law of Comedy That a Premise May Be Used Three Times Before It Gets Annoying Update: All right, now Oliver Willis just sent me a Cheese-o-Gram from Hickory Farms along with a note stating that he reads me everyday, "just to see what actual politically-oriented comedy looks like," and is an enormous fan.

And here's the kicker: Then he offered me anal, too. He says he's not gay or anything, but that I've "just earned that right on the basis of [my] D&D post alone."

Thanks, Odub! I'll let ya know!

posted by Ace at 02:20 PM

Comments

The Biden piece is slightly different.

They just sat their "like bullfrogs," unable to respond to Biden's superior Neal Kinnock-inspired oratory.

Had Bill Clinton been telling it, both Cheney and Rumsfeld would have said in unison, "You've got us there, Joe, but we can't admit to the American people just how badly we screwed up by resigning. We have to protect our phoney-baloney jobs."

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on June 23, 2004 02:34 PM

Yes, they sat their like bullfrogs. In their own defense, Cheney could only manage a "Bud," Rumsfeld a "Weis," and Bush a "sublimminable," because he was too stupid to catch on to the joke.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 02:37 PM

I found your site a few days ago from a link on Allah. Love it. Absolutely love it. I've even read your old archives on Blogger. Also, your story about the "sausage moustache" had me laughing so hard I was bent over and slapping my desk.

Don't really have anything to add or comment on about Clinton, either, other than point out, as Drudge notes, that his memoir isn't exactly flying off the shelves. The man is worse than a bore, he's irrelevant.

Just wanted you to know that you've made a new fan. Keep up the good work.

Posted by: James Cooper on June 23, 2004 02:37 PM

James,

Thanks. I can never hear that enough.

A lot of people say really nice things in the comments, and I don't always respond. Partly because it's because I don't want to fill the comments with "Thanks" posts, and partly because it's always a little embarassing to be praised, and partly because I'm an inconsiderate dickbag.

But it's always really appreciated, even if I don't say so.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 02:48 PM

Ace-- speaking of Darth Vader's justifications, didya ever read Johnathan Last's column in the Weekly Standard on why the Empire wasn't so evil after all? Sorry to get Star Wars geeky twice in the same week, but it's a great piece.

http://www.weeklystandard.com/Content/Public/Articles/000/000/001/248ipzbt.asp

Dave
Arlington, VA

Posted by: Dave on June 23, 2004 03:01 PM

Cheese-O-Gram ... that kills me.

But, really, when did O-Chubb become O-dub? Why didn't I get the memo on that one?

Posted by: george on June 23, 2004 03:08 PM

You know what? He sort of became "Odub" when I figured out that Instapundit will never link me if I call him "Ochub."

Now, Instapundit may not link me anyway, of course. But I figure I have a better chance if I lighten up on the Filet-o-Fish jokes.

Good Heavens. I'm already selling out, and no one's fucking offered me anything yet.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 03:11 PM

You're welcome. Not going to offer you anal, though.

Posted by: James Cooper on June 23, 2004 03:11 PM

Well, the D&D post was excellent.

I think you should stick to your guns on the O'Chub thing. You're never going to get anywhere playing it safe (that's the life lesson I learned from the movie "Tin Cup").

Posted by: Scout on June 23, 2004 03:17 PM

Scout,

True. But on the other hand, when a strange man offers you cheese and anal, you're supposed to be polite about it.

My Pappy taught me that.

I don't know what your Pappy taught you. But mine was very clear on the point.

He was a stickler for politeness. He was also certifiably insane.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 03:20 PM

I've had enemies in my life. (Well, not "enemies," but whatever.)

Off the top of my head (in addition to WonkMe, Odub, and Joshy-Josh) I can name several "Ace Enemies":

Maureen "Sex in the City is REAL" Dowd;
Magaret "Mandarin Manatee" Cho;
Michael "Michigan Manatee" Moore;
Andrew "Gonna endorse Kerry soon" Sullivan;
Frankie Muniz;
Paul "Slice Like a Fuckin' Hammer" Anka; and
Don Mattingly.

But I'm still a fan.

BTW: Nice to see you're giving a showcase to that Malkin chick and Victor David Hanscom over in your new blogger showcase. Hopefully, they will respect the traffic you are tossing their way.

Posted by: sonofnixon on June 23, 2004 03:50 PM

Ace, that's some funny shit.

Hey, if you don't wanna take Wonkette up on her offer, you mind if I, uh, take care of that?

Posted by: rdbrewer on June 23, 2004 03:57 PM

Just to set the record straight, I have cutesey Dowd-style nicknames for most of the enemies you list:

Wonkette: The Sassy Simp

Josh Marshall: The Hyperpartisan Hack

Maureen Dowd: The Vapid Vamp

Magaret "Mandarin Manatee" Cho: I actually just call her Not Funny.

Michael Moore: The Husky Huckster

Andrew "Gonna endorse Kerry soon" Sullivan: The Shrill Shill

Frankie Muniz: A little fuckin' cocksucker who's gonna get what's comin' to him if he don't watch his cocksucker mouth

Paul "Slice Like a Fuckin' Hammer" Anka: He's actually a hero of the site. I call him "Mister Paul Anka."

and

Don Mattingly: Some people call him "Donny Baseball." I call him "Donny Jackass Who Once Puked in My Mom's Ficus."

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 04:02 PM

BTW: Nice to see you're giving a showcase to that Malkin chick and Victor David Hanscom over in your new blogger showcase. Hopefully, they will respect the traffic you are tossing their way.

Yeah. Funny thing is, the minute I linked Michelle Malkin, BOOM! She's got 5000 visitors a day and 400 links.

Has she thanked me yet? No, she has not.

Hey, if you don't wanna take Wonkette up on her offer, you mind if I, uh, take care of that?

I'll ask her. I'm good like that.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 04:04 PM

Glad to see you sticking up for Mr. Paul Anka, Ace.

For a second, I was afraid I was gonna have to call in Mr. Vinny Falcone to straighten the loose shit on this site up.

Sonofnixon, do you like posting on this site? Do you? If so you will remember that there are only 2 stars here: Ace, and Paul F'in Anka.

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on June 23, 2004 04:10 PM

But on the other hand, when a strange man offers you cheese and anal, you're supposed to be polite about it.

Try saying this with a French accent.

Posted by: Longshanks on June 23, 2004 04:10 PM

What's with all the hostility toward Frankie Muniz? Isn't he the kid that stars in Macolm in the Middle? Did I miss something?

And yucko on the Wonkette thing. Don't know who would be considered more attractive, her or O'Chub, but I think the scales might tip in favor of the latter.

Posted by: Scout on June 23, 2004 04:10 PM

You conservative guys have got to quit acting so desperate. Maggie Cho and Wonkette?

Che Guevera, men, but if you wanna abandon principle for pussy, the liberal bench is packed with good-looking women. Don't throw it all over for an "imagined attractive" Cho or stick figure Bonkette.

At least hold out for Ashley "This is what a feminist looks like" Judd.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on June 23, 2004 04:13 PM

You got me there, Nick.

I've been wanting your body for a long time, big guy. Forget all this feminism BS.

But what would happen to my Hollywood career if my burning desire to stay home and have a lots of children by a conservative man like you ever got out?

So I'll never be able to admit this in public, okay? It'll have to be our little gossipy secret. Just between you and me and the water cooler.

Posted by: Ashley Judd on June 23, 2004 04:20 PM

Scout,

Frankie Muniz isn't really an enemy. It's just sort of funny to choose such an unobjectionable child and deem him a life's enemy who must be thwarted at all costs.

I should admit that I'm not even the first to make him an enemy. Maybe Son of Nixon did first. I also saw Colin Quinn attempt to pick a celebrity fight with a Frankie Muniz cardboard cut out on Tough Crowd.

So that bit I stole from someone.

Donny Mattingly is okay, too.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 04:23 PM

Sorry for the confusion.

I like having "enemies." I declare total strangers my "enemies" in hopes that they will one day notice my hatred.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 04:28 PM

Wil Wheaton, on the other hand, is a prick.

Posted by: ace on June 23, 2004 04:30 PM

Wil Wheaton, on the other hand, is a prick.

No freaking kidding. Do you think his prickishness is linked to his inability to grow facial hair?

Posted by: Scout on June 23, 2004 04:56 PM

Hi Scout!

Just dropping you a line because I know how awful it is to be the last pathetic jerk to post a question on a dead thread.

The answer, as always, is 'four.'

Posted by: lauraw on June 23, 2004 11:39 PM

Geez, that D&D post is deeply, deeply disturbing.

Posted by: someone on June 24, 2004 07:55 AM

Thanks lauraw . . . I'm a thread killer, that's what I am.

Posted by: Scout on June 24, 2004 08:23 AM