John Bolton's mustache (hereafter abbreviated JBM) has only one natural enemy.

Madonna's armpit hair.

"Paradise Lost" isn't really about the fall of Satan from heaven. It's about the time John Bolton shaved his moustache.

John Bolton's mustache started off as a Snidley Whiplash-Salvador Dali type in his early 20s, but calmed down to a Western handlebar style after age 26 or 27.

Some say the current droop came after being sat upon repeatedly by Nancy Reagan. Others claim it was her, that Dole woman.

Were Boltons Stash, and Cheeny's cock to ever have a fight, no matter the outcome, Cheney wins, Cuz for Bolton's Stash, to fight cheney's Crank. Bolton has to have Cheneys cock in his mouth.

Why aren't the dem's supporting the fact that bolton loves cheney's cock in his mouth? Or are the Dems bigots who hate Bottoms?

The JBM requires a special security pass for WH access.

In the next ten years, John Bolton's mustache will complete its larval stage and transform into a beautiful butterfly.

John Bolton's Moustache has had numerous "host beings" throughout history, including Doc Holliday, Jack the Ripper, and Rosie Perez.

John Bolton's Moustache is responsible for countless wars and famines, and yet it still cries at the end of Old Yeller.

JBM once dangled Kofi Annan out a third-story window by one ankle.

The guitar solo on Layla was actually performed by John Bolton's Moustache.

It also played the drums on Wipeout.

He was really hot as Rosie Perez

John Bolton's moustache is strong with the dark side.

Very strong.

John Bolton always has a spare, backup 'stache; calls it Chuck Norris.

John Bolton doesn't get angry.

He just dispatches his moustache.

John Bolton's moustache carved Mount Rushmore in 3 days without a jackhammer.

While on vacation in Scotland JBM went for a swim in Loch Ness. The rest is history.

The mystical Asian symbol of yin and yang is actually comprised of the two halves of John Bolton's Moustache, laid next to each other.

JBM is a master of the mystic martial art of Shinanju.

There is no "hemi" in a Dodge truck. It's John Bolton's moustache, and it redefines PTO.

When God and Satan made their bet over Job's soul, John Bolton's Moustache served as witness and referee.

(admit it, Ace. You've had a hard on to get another one of these "cool facts" threads started, haven't you. At least you held out for a worthy subject - a "Cool Facts About Proud Liberal Vet's Front Butt" would probably be about as popular as "All tubino, all the time Week" at the AoSHQ.)

A lot of people here seem to be under the mistaken impression that JBM is actually made up of human hair. Wrong. The closest comparison scientists could make is to a molecular bonding between steel wool and the ass hair of a rabid wolverine. The weird thing is that it ISN'T a pasted on fake.

Jack Bauer works for John Bolton's Moustache.

Pay no attention to that moustache behind the curtain!

The "lost last line" of Shelly's Ozymandias is actually:

The air was filled with the haunting sound of John Bolton's Moustache, giggling.

John Bolton's Moustache never posts an open thread.

United Nations Resolution Number One Thousand Eight Hundred and Ninety Three

Be it resolved, that Ambassador John Bolton's Moustache and stockpiles thereof represent a clear danger to world peace.

JBM competed in the Golden Gloves and holds a knockout win over Razor Ruddock.

There are actually Nine Moustaches of Power, but John Bolton's is The One Moustache That Binds Them.

JBM would have gone to the 1980 Olympics and kicked the Russkis' asses if only that pissy little bitch Carter hadn't boycotted.

John Bolton's moustache can rebuild a 1971 Chevy 350 carb with chewing gum and a couple of Washington Redskins football cards (Sonny and whatever other punk played in 72 we just use him for shimming we don't respect him or nuthin)

John Bolton's mustache did the original choreography for Saturday Night Fever, including the part about John Travolta moving his stomach as quick as the - as quick as I don't know what.

A lot of people wonder why Ted Kennedy keeps getting re-elected to the Senate. John Bolton's moustache is actually responsible.

When asked why it does this, JBM just shrugs and says "the tubby bitch cracks me up."

In the first draft of the script for Beneath the Planet of the Apes, the mutants actually worshipped John Bolton's Moustache.

The script had to be changed at the insistance of the US Government, which refers to John Bolton's Moustache as "NSM," standing for "No Such Moustache."

Homeland Security wants air marshalls to carry guns because giving them a piece of John Bolton's mustache is too crazy and dangerous.

John Bolton's moustache took Juno Beach in 27 minutes without the Rangers.

John Bolton's mustache taught me how to live again . . . and to love!

And yes, I will continue to chronically misspell moustache because THAT'S JUST THE WAY I ROLL

Whenever JBM appears on TV, Paul Teutl Senior's moustache wets it's little moustache pants.

John Bolton's Moustache once settled on the lip of Paul Bunyan himself, but soon left because it considered him "a gay."

John Bolton's Moustache once stopped an assassin's bullet.

And then threw it back with enough force to kill the assassin.

Whenever ace turns me down for a good snuggle, I flip on the Lifetime network and snuggle with John Bolton's Moustache until I cry myself to sleep.

John Bolton's mustache orchestrated the assassination of Bobby Kennedy.

Also, the breakup of Brad and Jen.

John Bolton's mustache starred in "Behind the Green Door". You'll have to check it out yourself to see which part. (Hint: It wasn't the trapeze)

In 1986, John Bolton's moustache transformed the Harley Davidson Company into an American success story, full of anecdotal tales of ridiculous profits and exhaust sounds which uncannily resemble an aesthmatic alto mumbling "potato potato potato potato"

John Bolton's Moustache never posts an open thread.

Posted by Michael at January 15, 2006 10:49 PM

Don't tell me what I can't do, bitch!

Speaking of that... the Lifetime Network once tried to run a made-for-TV movie about a woman traumatized by John Bolton's Moustache.

However, everytime they tried to broadcast it, it got covered up by Xena re-runs along with running online commentary from infatuated lesbians.

Their ratings were never better.

John Bolton's moustache took the long jump gold medal in 1968 in Mexico City.

John Bolton's Moustache had a .633 slugging average in the 1993 National League Championship Series.

John Bolton's Moustache calls his blog "Smell Saver Scentral."

John Bolton's moustache decoded the Rosetta Stone over a drunken weekend with Katie Price.

The JBM easily overcomes an attempted thread-jacking, even one about Bush's plummeting poll numbers.

John Bolton's moustache spotted the center engine fire failure on Apollo 13 and showed the engineering goobers how to make the carbon monoxide scrubbers fit into the square Command Module receptacles.

In the evil mirror universe, John Bolton's Moustache is actually a goatee.

It is named "Garth."

JBM smells like Rosie Perez.

That new state-of-the-art weaponry on Israel's F15's headed for Iran? I really can't say...

The real reason John Bolton's Moustache had a hard time getting appointed to being the Ambassador to the UN was because of his prolific but little known career in adult movies under the name Bolt Johnson's Moustache.

Fuck you, tubino. This is about me, bitch.

Plus Zogby is still just pissed off about that weekend in Cancun when I bogarted all the ladies and made the stupid shit buy all the drinks.

Tubino,

Stop thread jacking, please. You're being a fucking asshole. Start your own goddamned blog, you twat.

The "Stardust" spacecraft returned today with samples of what may be the basic parts of the solar system. It did a fly-though of John Bolton's Moustache.

The first of the Twelve Steps to recovery is "Accept the existence of a higher power (i.e., John Bolton's Moustache)."

John Bolton's moustache, a Canadian Lieutenant of artillary in 1944, took six hits from a German machine gun and still fought his way ashore... one bullet sent awry from his silver cigarette case... the stud... lost a finger and still managed a lead role in the 1960s television series and three follow on films...

When Isaac climbed the mountain to sacrifice his son, he wasn't doing it because he thought God told him to. He was doing it because he thought John Bolton's Moustache told him to.

PETA opposes fur by harassing old ladies with mink scarves, because that is safer than harassing John Bolton's Moustache.

Studies have shown that John Bolton's Moustache can give power lines cancer.

If John Bolton's moustache entered the NFL draft this year it would take Texas to the 2007 Superbowl with a 14-0 record.

John Bolton's eyebrows are forced to appease John Bolton's mustache through ritual sacrifice. Otherwise they will perish.

John Bolton's Moustache boinked RightWingSparkle.

Glowing with post-coital euphoria, she wrote a memoir about her grandmother.

When Michael got in over his head by offering to judge the Cool Facts about Dick Cheney thread, he had to turn to John Bolton's Moustache for help.

Late one night I saw an infomercial for John Bolton's Moustache being promoted as a New Age curative for women who rub themselves on it.

The testimonials were inspiring.

Most effective erectile dysfunction treatments are nothing more than clippings from John Bolton's moustache and blue dye number 24.

According to noted journalist Larry Flynt, John Bolton forced his wife to perform embarrasing menages a trois with his moustache.

John Bolton didn't grow the mustache. The mustache grew him.

Many of us are waiting for Mrs. Peel to deliver on her promise to "show some skin" on her blog. It was supposed to happen on Saturday night, but she got a visit from John Bolton's Moustache.

We could be waiting a month or more.

It's a little known secret that John Bolton's Moustache once filled in for the entire defensive line of the Chicago Bears as a favor to his kid brother, Mike Ditka's Moustache.

Wow. Four posts at 11:40 exactly. Busy thread.

Hairs that separate from the rest of the mustache develop in to fully functioning independent mustaches. Although these "children" are smaller and not as powerful as the parent, they are still incredibly dangerous. I'm sure you are familiar with the one that catapulted an obscure Austrian corporal to prominence.

((BTW, Michael, I had no idea you were coming into the thread when I posted that one with you in it.))

I met JBM personally about 20 yrs ago.
It hasn't changed a bit.
Could it be that Ponce de Leon actually was searching for JBM?
Did JBM force the Atlanteans to flee their sinking continent w/ knowledge of its eternal youthfulness?

You may laugh. But think about it.

We know that Michael Jackson rebelled against JBM, and look what happened to him! His nose melted, his skin blanched, and he's been banished into desert exile.
Babsie Boxer is paying for her insolence, even as we speak, for she is forced to wear JBM on her head as a hat.
Joan Rivers laughed.
Donald Trump's hair tried to cheat JBM in a real-estate deal.
They're not laughing now.

I'll re-use a joke I made on the Dick Cheney thread, because that's the way Ace rolls:

John Bolton used to be a pacifist internationalist until one day Dick Cheney sneered at him and said, "Grow a moustache, man."

The briefcase in Pulp Fiction contained a single hair from JBM.

The Singularity?
John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton's moustache taught Patrick Swayze everything he knows about "dirty dancing."

"John Bolton's moustache taught Patrick Swayze everything he knows about "dirty dancing.""

And being a bouncer.

John Bolton's moustache can sense fear.

The briefcase in Pulp Fiction contained a single hair from JBM.

How do you know which moustache comb belongs to John Bolton? It's the one that says BAD MUTHA FUCKER.

JBM was cultivated from the pubes growing on my base.

I wish I knew how to quit John Bolton's moustache.

Just take a look at those tee shirt girls. Why are they always smiling? Do I have to spell it out?

John Bolton's moustache is Keyser Soze.

There's a famous bio-pic on John Bolton's Moustache, starring Bruce Willis. It was called Die Hard.

One lock of John Bolton's moustache will give a mortal man one thousand years of power.

JBM is actually the seraglio that contains the much discussed 76 virgins.

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he was John Bolton's Moustache.

Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Justin Timberlake were all nobodies until they got their big chance to be Moustacheers for John Bolton.

John Bolton's Moustache brought mankind into the iron age by chewing up chunks of ore and spitting them out as nails and tools.

John Bolton's Moustache is actually the real "Bikini Inspector #1."

JBM killed the dinosaurs.

John Bolton is required by law to affix a sign in close proximity to his moustache that reads "Abandon hope, all ye who enter."

Angelina Jolie says she's pregnant.
Brad's kid?
Nah, John Bolton's Moustache.

JBM faked the deaths of Bruce Lee, Elvis, and Jim Morrison and is currently holding them captive on an island somewhere in the South Pacific.

When asked why, he merely replies, "You'll find out. Heh heh heh."

During a visit to the middle east many, many years ago, John Bolton's Moustache accidentally created a holy relic when Bolton blew his nose on a tablecloth.

That cloth is known today as the Shroud of Turin.

Vampires recoil from the scent of John Bolton's Moustache. It smells like Chunky Lentil soup.

The strings on Hendrix's guitars were made from JBM.

Jake "The Snake" Roberts learned stagecraft from John Bolton's Moustache. Before that fateful meeting, he was Jake "The Fag-Snake" Roberts.

My ex-wife could only orgasm if I wore a picture of JBM on my upper lip during sex.

John Bolton's moustache knows where you were the night the lights went out in Georgia.

John Bolton's Moustache taught Hendrix how to play. With his teeth.

Ce'haiie ep-ngh fl'hur G'harne fhtagn,
Ce'haiie fhtagn ngh Shudde-M'ell.
Hai G'harne orr'e ep fl'hur,
Shudde-M'ell ican-icanicas fl'hur orr'e G'harne...
John Bolton's Moustache

JBM is actually a "Bag of Holding" that contains every Penthouse ever published.

Friedrich Nietzsche was goint to call the book Also Sprach Der Schnurrbart Von John Bolton.

But, fearing retaliation for claiming to speak for John Bolton's moustache, he decided it would be safer to put heritical words into the mouth of Zarathustra, the prophet of a major Persian religion, instead.

John Bolton's Moustache itself has a powerful smaller moustache, and that moustache -- called John Bolton's Moustache's Moustache -- itself has an even smaller, but mighty, moustache.

This regression continues infinitely. The Greeks called this "The Paradox of Successively Tinier, But Still Quite Menacing, Moustaches."

[Also a retread from the Cheney thread, but I was disqualified.]

While growing up in Maryland, John Bolton's Moustache lost his virginity when he chased down and ass-raped a deer. Unfortunately, he perforated the deer's colon, and the poor animal died.

JBM still laughs uncontrollably when he tells this story at parties.

Before John Bolton's moustache, the Earth was void and without form. And darkness moved on the face of the deep.

On its first day playing D&D, John Bolton's Moustache was able to kill Lloth playing a first level fighter armed only with a rusty dagger.

Without cheating.

Remember "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man?"

John Bolton's Moustache came up with the idea of a cougar condom and paid for the prostitues.

JBM is irreducibly complex.

The game Doom 3 was based on a typical day at the office for John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton tried to shave his mustache. Once. Gillette stock fell 99% in the next day's trading.

According to Egyptian mythology, the earth was created when the gods sent a ray of light to petrify the waters of chaos. The Egyptian root-word for that ray of light is "JBM."

John Bolton's Moustache saved David Hasselhoffs career by sending him to Germany.

As payback.

Exposure to JBM causes cows to give sour milk, and hens to stop laying.

John Bolton's moustache decided that bacterial flagellum would be a cool idea.

"JBM is irreducibly complex."

was me. Not that its worth taking credit for.

Dick Cheney's copy of the Necromicon is bound in shavings from John Bolton's Mustache.

It's whispered that even Dick Cheney fears JBM.

In fact, however, it's not so much fear as healthy respect.

Abu Hamza: John Bolton a threat to young women

"She likes John Bolton, who is negotiating and moving his moustache as quick as the – as I don't know what..."

The basilisk was a real creature who could indeed strike a man dead with a glance as it was said.

The last specimen died in England back in 1675, when John Bolton's Moustache challenged it to a staring contest.

John Bolton's mustache got drunk one night and decided to have a little fun.

The result?

World War I.

steve_in_hb:

My bacterial flagellum joke was for you.

John Bolton's Moustache screen-tested for the role of Han Solo in Star Wars, but George Lucas feared it would "outshine" Chewbacca.

Every human civilization on the planet developed religion and the means to distill alcohol since pre-history.

Both of these discoveries were driven by early man's need to understand and cope with John Bolton's Moustache.

JBM invented the concept of the "mustache ride."

Furthermore, JBM is the reason why the girl in the "Infidel" shirt looks so happy.

BigTobacco is sitting in a pool of his own sweat, tears, and urine due to the fear of JBM's revenge for his trash talking.

JBM outdrank Ted Kennedy's liver. And didn't forget the girl in the car. JBM fucked the bejesus outta her.

John Bolton's Moustache tells spurwing plover when he is allowed to post.

The sight of JBM made me reconsider my decision to not be homosexual.

One of the massive dry-lake etchings at Nazca, Peru looks supsiciously like John Bolton's Moustache.

Erik Von Daniker suggested the theory that John Bolton's Moustache had taught the Incas the principles of human flight in his 1972 pop-science classic, Chariots of John Bolton's Moustache.

JBM outdrank Ted Kennedy's liver. And didn't forget the girl in the car.

Actually, John Bolton's Moustache got him out of a similar jam after a long night of partying. But when Bolton went off the bridge, the Moustache pulled him, the girl and the Oldsmobile out of the water before they even got wet.

In Mexico, John Bolton's moustache is called "Pelo del Diablo" and a festival is held in its honor each year to keep its wrath from destroying villages and taking lives.

JBM invented boobs.

John Bolton's Moustache brings his own token to play Monopoly. It is a small pewter model of Dick Cheney's Cock.

When the President's men talk about the "Football", they're actually talking about John Bolton's Moustache, not the nuclear launch codes.

"In Mexico, John Bolton's moustache is called "Pelo del Diablo" and a festival is held in its honor each year to keep its wrath from destroying villages and taking lives."

Strong post, very strong post.

John Bolton's moustache requires a steady diet of human blood to maintain its healthy sheen and full body.

Alchemists tried for centuries to transform lead into gold.

Smart alchemists attempted to transform gold into John Bolton's Moustache.

Glen Reynolds started a blog just because he wanted to get a link from John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton's moustache can get the arc to touch the asymptote.

When John Bolton's Moustache served in the U.S. Army, he was stationed in Antarctica, where he serviced the squeakhole of a fellow soldier, later known as Proud Liberal Veteran, about three times a day. It was cold; he was bored.

From Wikipedia:

Feng Shui or fengshui is the ancient Chinese practice of placement and arrangement of space to achieve harmony with JBM.

Bruce Lee designed his own martial arts style after watching John Bolton's Moustache kill eight men in a Tijuana barfight.

Jeet Kune Doe is actually Chinese for "Way of the Intercepting Facial Hair."

Jeet Kune Doe is actually Chinese for "Way of the Intercepting Facial Hair."

That made me chuckle.

> Friedrich Nietzsche was goint to call the book Also Sprach Der Schnurrbart Von John Bolton.

A similar reconsideration was a factor in the publication of "Ecce Mystax."

JBM originated the advertising catch phrase You sank my battleship! Vetoed the phrases Operate? May I play? and Pretty sneaky sis! as being "too pussy," but was over-ridden by Hillary Clinton's penis.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse were actually Famine, Pestillence, War, and Chronic Bursitis, until they asked John Bolton's Moustache to step in under the nom de guerre of "Death."

JBM: No Filibuster

"I do not see the likelihood of a filibuster," said John Bolton's Mustache, R-John Bolton's Face. "Why? Because I said so."

Some years ago, John Bolton's Moustache lived in Hawaii and solved crimes. Its exploits were later re-enacted in a serial documentary by its cousin, Tom Seleck's Moustache, in the series Magnum, PI.

JBM invented boobs.

After inventing boobs, John Bolton's Moustache decided that he hadn't really given it his best effort, and he could do better. He said, "bbeck, come here."

John Bolton's Moustache had an influential music career under the alias of the band ZZ Top.

John Bolton's Mustache does not placate.

Carlos Casteneda once sought out John Bolton's moustache to gain its power. He hasn't been seen since.

FYI:
John Bolton's Wikipedia entry.
A cool video of John Bolton.

John Bolton's Moustache became a star in the XFL under the name "He Hate Me."

JBM is the current manifestation of Crom.

So-called "XXX" rated movies are formally rated "JBM-17."

Strays hairs from JBM are highly prized in Asia due to their use as an aphrodisiac.

Sherlock Holmes' 7% Solution was extract of JBM.

John Bolton's Moustache is 24th in line for the presidential succession. John Bolton himself is 35th, and he's not complaining.

The worm is the spice is JBM... JBM is the spice is the worm.

After the ape, the man, and the starchild is John Bolton's moustache.

If you read the fine print at the end of the instructions on the box lid, JBM is entitled to take $300 from the bank every time he rolls the dice in Monopoly. He also gets first choice on game pieces, and he is allowed to disregard hotel and house rents on all properties EXCEPT for Baltic Avenue (which is owned by a shell corporation controlled by Dick Cheney's Cock).

"Mr. Brownstone" is about Axl Rose's addiction to John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton drafted the Proliferation Security Initiative.

John Bolton's Moustache enforces the sonofabitch.

Once, John Bolton's Moustache was trapped on an isolated asteroid with a company of marines, fighting a race of Aliens. In order to prevent damaging a nuclear meltdown during a firefight, the marines were instructed to use flame units only.

One marine sarcastically asked, "What are we supposed to use, harsh language?"

John Bolton's Moustache took this as a challenge, and volunteered to single-handedly dispatch the aliens using nothing more than harsh language. The aliens were quickly destroyed, and not a single marine was harmed.

JBM takes tea at four. w/ one lump or two.
on Kofee Anan's head.

My name is JBM. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

This may be the funniest thread I have read in a while.

St. Augustine wrote his influential Confessions after being shamed into doing so by JBM

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh John Bolton's Moustache R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"

"Ia! Ia! John Bolton's Moustache fhtagn"

Unlike that pussy Kirk, JBM fought and killed the Gorn without resorting to the improvised artillery piece.

The three wise men who visited Jesus in the manger brought him gifts of frankincense, myrrh, and John Bolton's Moustache.

Like Amazonian frogs, JBM produces a potent array of anti-bacterial and anti-fungal chemicals.

Recently examined evidence suggests that the Donner party were not actually cannibals, and did not eat really their own family members.

Bolton's moustache ate them.

There is a race of highly advanced, yet feral alien hominids who comes to our planet periodically on safari, to hunt human beings and take their skulls as trophies. They are much faster and stronger than the best humanity has to offer. Even our famous governer of California had difficulty with his encounter with one of these "Predators".

However, they had to develop an invisibility cloak to get around after their first encounter with John Bolton's Moustache.

They also now carry a small nuclear device to avoid being captured by it.

JBM is so interesting, I'm wasting my internet time praising it, instead of doing something more productive - like looking at pornography.

That's okay steve, because right now? John Bolton's Moustache is looking at pornography.

For you.

(repeat from the Dick Cheney thread, but no one seemed to notice it:)

The original five classes in Dungeons & Dragons were fighter, thief, Magic-user, cleric, and John Bolton's Moustache. John Bolton's Moustache was deleted before the first printing as being "too unbalancing" and leading to "Monty Haul campaigns."

Einstein's original calculations correctly determined that "E=JBM", but JBM had to step in and "assist" Albert, because JBM, by preference, works in mysterious, hidden ways.

Bolton's moustache's daughter once told him that she did not "give a tin monkey" about her father.

(I have no end for this, I suck. This game sucks. I don't wanto tplay anymore.)

That's okay steve, because right now? John Bolton's Moustache is looking at pornography.

For you.

Not just for me - better than me. Multithreading, automatically aware of my shameful love of 60 year old women and Thai ladyboys.

The ancient Greeks believed John Bolton's Moustache was an immortal hero, conceived when the god Zeus seduced a woman by taking on the guise of a sideburn.

John Bolton once said the UN headquarters in New York "has 38 stories. If it lost ten stories...my moustache would decline to answer further questions until it is represented by counsel."

God does not play dice with the universe, but JBM does.

Members of the Aryan Nations prison gang wear a tatoo beneath their eye of a single lobe of John Bolton's Moustache, widely mistaken to be a black tear.

John Bolton's Moustache has a trademark on the phrase "squeeze it easy."

The entire Shakespearean catalog, the most defining and enduring work in the English language, was created by JBM, as dictated to his cousin, Francis Bacon's Moustache.

The Roman satirist Lucilius famously said: "Show me the man I dare not name". Note he didn't have the balls to say anything about mustaches. I wonder what he was afraid of.

Navigators must be careful to distinguish between "True North," "Magnetic North," and "John Bolton's Moustache North."

Iran's President Ahmadinejad is preparing Iran and the world for the apocalytic end of the Occultation of the 12th Imam--the Return of the Mahdi.

But the Mahdi? He prepares the world for the return of John Bolton's Moustache.

Japanese audiences were so horrified by the gruesome ending of Godzilla vs. John Bolton's Moustache that the film was destroyed after its first and only exhibition.

Am I to believe that the 3rd post up top actually came from tubino, but with humor??
Funniest of all is that he's dead-on right.
Bolton's moustache is reverently known in many (female) circles as the 'womb broom'.
However, it is also feared for its ability to kill.
Each so-called hair is actually akin to the quill of the Stonefish, but much more deadly.
If the moustache feels threatened, it fires a fatal quill into the threat.
Bolton will never need Secret Service protection from others; the Secret Service will be there to protect people from the moustache.

JBM is the "Star Wars" anti-missile defense system. In the event of a confirmed launch, the mustache will expand to form an impenetrable net above the continental United States.

JBM states pretty clearly that you make a fuckin' maniac out of him at your own peril.

JBM is the inspiration for Japanese tentacle porn.

For centuries theologians have been perplexed by the question, "why does JBM allow the existence of evil in the universe".

The most intelligent of theologians know the answer:

Because JBM likes it that freakin way.

Following Brian Jones' dismissal from the Rolling Stones, JBM's filled in, uncredited, on much of the lead guitar on Let It Bleed. He is recognized for lending that work its 'dirty sound.'

He later joined the group on tour, before blowing up and walking out when only one hippy died at Altamont.

(JBM went on to a distinguished producing career in the 80's, helming, most notably, Phil Collins first two solo efforts)

Uncle J - Yup, such is the power of John Bolton's Moustache that it was able to cajole about one and a half non-bullshit asshole twat posts from tubino.

But of all the things the Moustache has brought us, this one isn't worth much thought. I'm waiting to see if it can manage to turn Bill from INDC to a sufferable fool rather than an insufferable one.

John Bolton's moustache has a cock that's so big that it has it's own cock.

And that cock has a moustache.

John Bolton's Moustache invented the Dewey Decimal System in order to teach young children than life makes no fucking sense.

When an irresistable force meets an immovable object, John Bolton's moustache steps in and says, "Alright, enough is fucking enough."

After a night of hookers and drinking, JBM staggered back to what he thought was his home. Ever since then, you haven't heard a peep out of Michael Bolton.

In additoin, "Boxcar Willie" stole 3/4 of his act and persona from JBM. The good 3/4.

(The matter was dropped with a 1982 out of court settlement.)

Oh, God. I'm playing p0ker and reading this shit and laughing so fucking hard that my stomache hurts!

Classmates of John Bolton's Moustache teased it for being a disembodied stretch of facial hair.

There were no survivors.

John Wayne's movies were all based on JBM's exploits. It's lesser exploits.

John Bolton's Moustache was loafin' on the beach a very very long time ago, drinking a Pina Colada.

He was thinking, "What would be cool for this planet?"

He was thinking, "We should dedicate ourselves to making something special."

Then this chick walked by, and JBM noticed that she had really nice hooters.

JBM decided: "Hey, let's build pyramids!"

John Bolton's Moustache is the force behind the monster on Lost. And it gave Locke the ability to walk again.

Michael, what the fuck are you doing up?

Fucking lawyers.

Each of the Great Pyramids is built over a single hair from JBM.

The Gunfight at the OK Corral began as a dispute as to whose moustache was more "Boltonesque."

JBM once got a woman to stop talking about her mom and sisters. Once.

Yeah, his moustache is white. Barry White.

JBM fired the disputed first shots at both Lexington and the Marco Polo Bridge.

In principio creavit Deus caelum et terram et JBM. Dixitque Deus fiat JBM et facta est JBM.

It was John Bolton's Moustache that first suggested that Penthouse "show pink."

JBM never has to work blue.

John Bolton's Moustache dissed Ernest Tubb for being "too countrypolitan".

JBM was the original lead in "Love Story," playing BOTH Ryan O'Neal's and Ali McGraws roles. The film made heavy use of 'split screen' film techinque and reportedly, it was the most dramatic love story ever captured.

Sadly, nervous studio types conducted last minute reshoots when test screening revealed some audience confusion at which character was which.

Something to consider:

Many doubt the existance of God.

No one, however, doubts the existance of John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton doesn't have a moustache. The Moustache has a John Bolton.

JBM rejected Pamela Anderson's advances because "she is too mousy, I don't go for the librarian look".

Your best one yet, steve_in_hb.

I dig the underscores, BTW. Very retro.

John Bolton's Moustache believes a woman should be a whore in the bedroom, a dirty whore in the kitchen, and a dirty filthy whore in the rumpus room. He enforces this rule without exception, even for family.

See-Dubya -

I don't update my fashion sense or my typing ;-)

John Bolton's Moustache doesn't like Solitaire, because John Bolton's Moustache has no time for games.

John Bolton's Moustache
Slices like fuckin' hammer
of truth and justice.

<taking credit for the haiku>

<. . . if "credit" is the right word>

John Bolton's Moustache believes a woman should be a whore in the bedroom, a dirty whore in the kitchen, and a dirty filthy whore in the rumpus room. He enforces this rule without exception, even for family.

JBM doesn't have to enforce this - he inspires it. Women sense his power and they seek his life essence.

John Bolton's Moustache dances and moves as quick as the - as I don't know what - and women like that because if he had shaved, she wouldn't even think about him.

Cheap Trick originally wanted to record their '77 live album in the USA, until John Bolton's Moustache made a suggestion: "Robin, Rick, Bun, I've got one word for you: Budokhan."

An ancient Zen riddle asks, "Does John Bolton's Moustache smell like pussy, or does pussy smell like John Bolton's Moustache?"

Oh, God. I'm playing p0ker and reading this shit and laughing so fucking hard that my stomache hurts!

John Bolton's Moustache found out that he was not invited to a p0ker party.

He was not amused.

After ass-fucking the host, a punk-ass little bitch named The Warden, he swept the chips off the table and collected the bank. Upon request, the guests surrendered their wallets.

JBM stayed awhile, drank a few of their beers, burped in their faces, and then went home.

Allahpundit gets all his inside blogging tips from something called RSS--that's Revered Soup Strainer to you and me. (He does all the photoshops, too.)

I long to feel the warm embrace of John Bolton's moustache just one more time, much like Chris Klein pines for Tom Cruise's beard...

Michael,

I am not amused.

It'll take me just 15 minutes to fill up my 2 gallon gas can and be over to your place in Muirfield.

Just sayin.

Can assume gaseous form three times per day. Often does so and then blames it on Mohammed El-Baradei.

Completely covers John Bolton's upper lip.

Warden:

I'm trying to remember -- you actually live here in greater Columbus, right?

And you're black?

John Bolton's moustache once invented a perpetual motion machine, but once realizing its unending potential to the good of humanity said, "Fuck it. What's in it for me?"

Michael,

I'm black as far as you know.

What was your address again?

JBM is not JBM's true name. It is impossible for the human vocal apparatus to make the noises necessary to say its true name.

>Turned snow-white after a fateful tryst with Hillary Clinton's merkin.

You ever seen John Bolton sneeze? exactly. Neither would you.

Warden:

I'm kind of miffed that you would not invite me to your p0ker party. I've been the only white boy at a p0ker party in the past. Of course, the black guys cleaned me out, but a good time was had by all. Why wouldn't you want a white sucker at your p0ker party?

Michael,

Errr...I'm drunk playing online. And I'm almost 100% Kraut, not black.

Who invites the guys over for p0ker on a Sunday night? My wife would fucking kill me.

Then again, after discovering that credit card bill she was hiding from me.........

Once, the city of Atlantis decided it didn't need to revere John Bolton's mustache anymore. You know the rest.

John Bolton's moustache has a 1D2 chance to enter a berserk frenzy, gaining four extra attacks and doing triple damage every round.

John Bolton doesn't grow his mustache. He weaves it from the fibers of the remains of his victims.

In the movie The Delta Force, Golan and Globus originally cast JBM as himself (based on JBM's anti-terror black ops in the 70s), but there was a dispute over the creative direction of the movie the first day of shooting. So they went with Lee Marvin's Eyebrows instead in the role. But LMEs offered such a watered-down impression of JBM (for fear of offending JBM) that Chuck Norris unexpectedly appeared to be the star of the movie, and there was no way to fix the problem in post without blowing the budget.

What really happened is that JBM dropped a temple on Samson, because Samson let a chick cut his locks. Hey, super-powered patches of hair have to watch out for each other, because who else will?

.

John Bolton's Mustache had Burl Ives terminated. Riding a Norleco Shaver, even in animated form, doesn't sit well with the 'Stache.

----

Schick and Gillette are funded by liberal organizations seeking to develop shaving techology to thwart JBM.

----

John Bolton's Mustache started off gray. It turned white after defeating the Balrog.

------

Why is Bolton's mustache a different color than his hair?

Because the mustache said so, BITCH!

If I could grow facial hair in the John Bolton Kick Ass Manner, I would definately go with a JBM and some sweet muttonchops.

Hitler's and Hirohito's Moustaches waited until John Bolton's Moustache was asleep before they tried to conquer the world. They paid for their insolence.

JBM is not actually a moustach but a wolverine. Thats why JB can't offer girls free moustach rides.

Trivia: JBM played "Mr. Wu" in the first four episodes of "Deadwood" on HBO, but the producers replaced him with a clumsy Dick Sargent/Dick York swap after advocacy groups threatened to boycott a show where a white moustache was playing a Chinese man. Damn show hasn't been the same since the move.

A moustache ride from John Bolton's moustache cures syphilis; but the women tend to go insane and die anyway.

Nanotechnology was actually reverse-engineered by scientists examining a single hair from JBM.

Only their notes were found.

The final sentence was, "The Horror!"

John Bolton's dates don't like to kiss him goodnight. They complain about the smell of brimstone.

And the cackling.

Frosty Lip in Mountain Mist

John Bolton's moustache,
hoar-tipped lip with the power
to make women weak

John Bolton's Moustache IS the eleven herbs and spices in KFC.

Today , we honor such civil rights heroes as Martin Luther King, Abraham Lincoln, and John Bolton's mustache.

Victoria's Secret?

John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton's Moustache mastered the techniques of cunnilingus and felatio ages ago. It is said the only possible way to resist the insatiable ticklings of JBM is to hijack threads on AoS with inane dribble. Even so, cries of ecstacy spring forth from mom's basements all across Ameirca, followed by furious stompings on the floor and shouts of "keep that racket down if you wanna live here!"

They still keep trying, though.

John Boltons' mustache bleeds acid blood.

Darth Vader: He is here.
Governor Tarkin: Obi-Wan Kenobi?
Governor Tarkin: What makes you think so?
Darth Vader: A tremor in the JBM. The last time I felt it was in the presence of my old master.
Governor Tarkin: Surely he must be dead by now.
Darth Vader: Don't underestimate the JBM.

JBM: I. AM. The Walrus.

goo goo ga joob

I thought I had a good one on 'why the stash is white', but Bumperstickerist's Balrog one blew mine away. Nerdy and funny.

Contrary to years of scientific thought, recent studies have shown that tidal activity is wholly determined by "how pissed off" John Bolton's Moustache happens to be on a given day.

Bob Dole's cock and Dick Cheney's cock were having a "sword fight", this woke JBM up as he then proceded to take Dole's viagra away. This is how Cheney's cock won the fight. The story was retold by Shakespear in his play "Hamlet"

Stradivarius violins are only strung with hair from JBM. Otherwise it would be just be known as a fiddle.

Its outdated fashion sense like this moustach that cause people to think of conversatives as country bumpkins. He should shave it and have daily facials to prove his intelligence.

A fiddler on the roof. Sounds crazy, no? But here, in our little village of Anatevka, you might say every one of us is a fiddler on the roof trying to scratch out a pleasant, simple tune without breaking his neck. It isn't easy. You may ask 'Why do we stay up there if it's so dangerous?' Well, we stay because Anatevka is our home. And how do we keep our balance? That I can tell you in three words: John Bolton's Moustache!

It is said that JBM is the last, most powerful incarnate form of the god Shiva the Destroyer. JBM is also responsible for 73% of the positions in the Kama Sutra, mostly the ones that necessitate being upside down.

John Bolton's Moustache does not grow.

It pounces.

Terrorists scheme night and day to get samples of John Bolton's Moustache, so that they can build a "trichiological bomb."

I once saw John Bolton's Moustache at the Organic Foods Market. I thought it was one of us until I realized it was just there to kick all of our crunchy asses.

Officials with the Bronx Zoo asked John Bolton to refrain from visiting after discovering elephants who had seen his moustache only one time became so disturbed they wouldn't mate again.

JBM is not homosexual. Because it had a choice.

ATF regulations require John Bolton's Moustache be equipped with a safety.

And the Drug and Food Administration is considering that JBM should only be available with a child-proof cap as well.

John Bolton was selected to represent the US at the UN for one very special reason. His moustache changes color in the presence of bullshit.

A few close observers have noticed that the corners of John Bolton's Moustache begin to twitch whenever someone reads Alexander Pope's Rape of the Lock.

John Bolton does NOT comb his moustache. That's for pussies. He sands it with a belt sander. Coarse grain only.

John Bolton's Moustache made Saddam Hussein's Moustache cower in abject fear during an interrogation in Baghdad in early 2005. Fearing for its life, Saddam Hussein's Moustache pleaded that it would admit to any atrocity, real or imagined, if only the horrible JBM were removed from the room.

The New York Times and Boston Globe are currenly sitting on exclusive pics of JBM to break a blockbuster story about Geneva Conventions violations.

In a related event, Tom Selleck's Moustache fled like a coward and currently sits beneath Rosie O'Donnell's nose, hoping not to be noticed. So far, it hasn't...

When Thor drank from Utgard's horn, he created the ebb tide. When JBM drank from the horn, he drained the oceans. Then he pissed it all back to refill the oceans and so this is how it came to pass that everyone drinks JBM piss.

John Bolton's Moustache is so macho, it dates Tom Cruise.

ITS A FACT:

In June of 1939, Dick Cheneys Cock gave John Boltons moustache a Filthy Adolph-- nine months later, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked his way out of Boltons face.

Perhaps the best discussion ever.

John Bolton's Moustache does not placate.

The real truth behind James Fray is that JBM kicked his @#$ on that Ohio night in 1992.

John Bolton's mustache is big! 300 comments, baybeee!!!

It's a little known fact that Chris Elliot once insulted JBM, who, iinstead of killing him or consigning him to some nameless hell for all eternity, forced the hapless writer to film Cabin Boy.

Anita Hill was mistaken it was not a pubic hair Thomas referred to but a hair from John Bolton's Moustache. In fact that one hair apparently drove her insane.

Perhaps the best discussion ever.

Join in. Worship the moustache.

Or else...

I heard that Harvey Keitel kept a picture of Bolton's Moustache on his nightstand during the filming of Bad Lieutentant.
------------------
RuPaul, when he was just Paul, went into estrus after seeing John Bolton lick BBQ sauce off his moustache at Tony Roma's. Under intense pressure from Focus on the Family, John Bolton has since been barred from the popular restaurant chain.
------------------
In the early 1980s, a rambunctious Republican named Earl Cunningham managed to steal a single hair from John Bolton's moustache during a late night rendezvous at Plato's Retreat. From then on he was known as Randy "Duke" Cunningham.

Did you know that his moustache was NAMBLA's Man of the Year in 1979?

All women within six miles of John Bolton's Moustache ovulate simultaneously.

Mjolnir is Swedish for JBM.

Did you know that the World Health Organization has registered a sharp increase in incidents of post-traumatic stress disorder since John Bolton's appointment as ambassador to the UN. The cases have been isolated to male survivors of sex crimes.

Children of Liberals have nightmares that John Bolton's moustache jumps out from under their beds and demands that they be moral and honest.

Now we know, it was JBM on the grassy knoll that day.

Hitler was rumored to be driven by a search for the left and right sides of "JBM". Doctors dismissed this obsession as a consequence of late stage syphilis. The recent rise to prominence of John Bolton have led many historians to speculate that the JBM referenced in Hitler's journals is, in fact, John Bolton's Moustache.

John Bolton's Moustache is neither John Bolton's nor a Moustache. Discuss.

I am JBM MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal

If clueless State Department underlings had closely watched the quivering tips of John Bolton's moustache, they could have given an early warning for the devastating Indonesian tsunami.

They just thought it was getting ready to throw another shoe at them.

When Mormon prophet Brigham Young saw a vision of John Bolton's moustache as the grim reaper, he swore off moustaches altogether and just went with the neck beard.

Exposure to John Bolton's moustache can cause hybrid corn to reproduce.

John Bolton's moustache is the world's largest producer of farfegnugen.

Whenever Germans cross it's path at the U.N., they avert their eyes in shame.

John Bolton's moustache was a hit at Milan Fashion week.

No one can wear a model like John Bolton's moustache!

Indigenous Amazonian warriors rub their arrow tips on John Bolton's moustache before going hunting.

New House ethics rules will make it a felony to give John Bolton's moustache a free shampoo and trim.

The 65th Crayola color is "JBM White."

"On Demand" four-wheel drive was invented because John Bolton's moustache demanded it.

John Bolton's moustache has a concealed carry permit.

Samuel Alito's wife was secretly reading a newspaper during the confirmation hearings. One of the stories had a file photo of John Bolton's moustache.

That's why she started crying.

Italian researchers have discovered that having a TV in the bedroom cuts the frequency of sex in half.

However, they also discovered that if the man is growing John Bolton's Mustache, no factor can decrease the frequency of sex from 7 times a night.

Ace, I think you should give an award for the most totally lame entry on this thread. I hereby nominate skinbad for this:

Exposure to John Bolton's moustache can cause hybrid corn to reproduce.

Does anyone else have a suggestion? I mean, really, can anyone top skinbad for unbelievable lameness?

Excellent SarahW! Visuals and everything, lol!

Michael, I didn't think it was so bad. Of course, I live in Iowa where corn is our birthright, so maybe I think it's funnier than you do.

I'd nominate BigTobacky for trying to follow along with the fun but still not really getting the joke. He's like that guy who comes back oblivious from the bathroom with a HUGE urine stain on the front of his pants and laughs along with the rest of the group because he can't quite figure out what the joke is.

He sort of got this thread rollin' with his links to Larry Flynt's anonymous accusations against Bolton, but now it's gone beyond him and he's pissed.

Michael, I didn't think it was so bad. Of course, I live in Iowa where corn is our birthright, so maybe I think it's funnier than you do.

Hey, I live in corn country too. But skinny lives in frickin' Utah, where you can't grow shit. He's camped out in the desert, for Pete's sake, and he comes up with a hybrid corn joke.

I live in central Ohio, BTW. It is taken for granted here that we grow the best sweet corn on earth. It's not really a subject that is open for discussion.

ATTENTION COMMENTERS:

Comments regarding the quality of your local sweet corn relative to Ohio sweet corn are officially off-topic.

It's not really a subject that is open for discussion.

John Bolton's mustache once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road.

It also date raped Bill Brasky.

You're right. The discussion is closed.

Of course, you might want to consider the fact that Ohio sweet corn, when compared to Iowa sweet corn, tastes like it's been passed undigested through a Holstein cow.

Other than that, hey, I'm all for Ohio sweet corn.

You can take your sweet corn and shove it up your ass!

*throws file folders everywhere*

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

We wish to remind you that this thread is supposed to be about John Bolton's Moustache.

You are hereby notified that further attempts to disparage Ohio sweet corn will result in a certain commenter throwing a hissy fit.

You have been warned.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the AOSHQ Comment Quality Control Department.

Excuse me, Mr. Moustache, but shouldn't that comment be on the "Tom Cruise/Brokeback Mountain" thread going on above?

Cool Fact about John Bolton's Moustache: He doesn't really like the taste of sweet corn, but he eats it anyway: mostly so he can go into public restrooms and loudly exclaim "Corn? CORN! I don't remember eating any corn!"

"John Bolton, who will hold the rotating presidency of the Security Council in February. Mr. Bolton has been one of the toughest critics of Iran inside the Bush administration since he oversaw the nonproliferation and arms control file for the State Department in President Bush’s first term. Mr. Bolton’s advocacy for action against Iran — he opposed the postponement of a council referral in 2003 — has prompted the regime in Tehran to attack him personally in the state-run press."

No word about JBM, even Tehran knows where the line is drawn.

Seven North Korean spy teams have mysteriously gone missing.

Kim Jong Il still has no intelligence on where John Bolton's nose hair ends and John Bolton's moustache begins.

The peace-keeping aura of the white whiskers of justice caused skinbad to be polite to Michael--even when he didn't deserve it.

Spurwing Plover was a tenured professor of astrophysics at CalTech until he saw John Bolton's Moustache in his Mercedes' rearview mirror.

Stephen Hawking beat JBM in a footrace....once

JBM is currently undercover as an Iraqi Judge, biding his time until he can ambush Saddam Hussian's mousetache

John Bolton has 20/20 vision. The eyeglasses are to protect his eyes from untraviolet moustache radiation.

One John Bolton Moustache hair is sooo dense, that when stretched and worked, it became what is known as fiber optic cable, and has to date provided all the fiber optic cable known to man.
Obviously, there is a limitless supply on the man's face.
Further, the cables of the Golden Gate Bridge?
Yes, of course...
You've seen attack dogs practice on men wearing padding? Woven of JBM hair.
By the way, when super heated, JBM hair turns into silicone...thus, a woman with implants has a pair of 'Bolt-ons'.

The superhero named Gordon got stuck w/ the name ''Flash''. The heroic name ''John Bolt-on's Moustache'' was already taken.
Even Green Lantern backed off.
Superman sighed, and demurred.
(after all, JBM eats kryptonite for breakfast)

JBM is causing Global Cooling by blocking the sun

John Bolton's moustache is the reason the British put sweetcorn on every single fucking pizza they make. Just in case.

Where JBM goes nothing grows

Only JBM could shine all the shoes in Imelda Marcos' closet.

"Badges, I dont need no steenking badges" JBM

.

John Bolton's Mustache is an apex predator.

The apex of a woman's legs.

-----

That's not dandruff, JBM sheds tiny shuriken throwing stars. Which if inhaled, will kill you.

.

----

John Bolton's Mustache puts the 'ache' in mustache.

----

Quick question - has anybody figured out the total damages owed to Goldstein for copyright violations involving the reification of Bolton's mustache?

Did y'all see the brand-new picture of Karol (Alarming News) with JBM?