He cannot win. Minnesotian will only vote for Reptilloid Space Vampires.

Good Lord. He's also a pro boxer and pro wrestler. And he slept with his half-sister.

I found those nuggets while trying to find out just what his Ph.D. is in...

So what the Jewish God the Father is Ok with him? And what's with this joint Lucifer-Hecate worship crap.
Either you got the balls to worship me, or you don't.

Jeez, Ace. Picture big enough? Aw hell, enlarge it some more. I love scrolling.

Well, is he *really* that much worse than Ventura?

Nicely landscaped home he's got there. This fellow needs to trade his sword for a weed whacker.

So what? In Ohio we elected a Zombie to the governorship.

"I sink my fangs into the neck of my donor ... and drink their blood," he said, adding that his donor is his wife, Julie.

Translation: I give my wife hickeys.

He also claims to have been friends with Jeb and George W. Bush, who helped him try to get his 3rd wife off drugs. (I think the donor is his 4th.) He admits to being evil, but says he will use his evil, vampiric nature to protect the innocent and impale terrorists. I guess that's lawful evil.

The real question is, what form of impalement will he use?

Disturbingly, Jonathan Sharkey had a bit part in the movie Predator.

He was one of the army guys in a helicopter during the last 2 minutes of the film. Though his hair was *much* shorter and, obviously, he wasn't brandishing a sword or wearing a carpet on his shoulders

.

I hope you people realize what's at stake here.

On the one hand, I disapprove of his "God-hating" stance, but on the other hand, I like his "tough on crime" stance. So I'm pretty conflicted.

He certainly ain't running on Jonathan "The Gardener" Sharkey

I like the other shot of him in the carpet, when he has it draped over his head a la Anakin. Go to the "Jonathon's DarkSide" page for a pleasant little story about that.

Nice one, Brian!

He looks like Will Patton from Armageddon and Remember the Titans.

Please, don't pay any attention to Minnesota Politics. This is embarrassing.

I dunno. If the liberals got their panties all in a wad over some wiretapping, can you imagine how apeshit they'll go if he starts impaling people in front of the capital building?

Hell, I hope he wins, just so I can see it.

There's nothing about this guy's political agenda that I don't like!

Well, there's that whole "I hate God" thing, but I'm an atheist, so it amounts to little more than "I hate...lamp. I hate...chair." There is the little matter of his obvious insanity, but we Minnesotans have elected Jesse Ventura as governor, and the DFL love-in for Al Franken is just beginning -- so there's ample precedent.

Still, I'm gonna have to give this guy a pass. Anybody who spells vampire with a "y" is just a grandstanding tool. Still, that whole "impale the child molesters" plank of his election platform has got this voter excited for Election '06!

I hope you people realize what's at stake here.

Its a little known fact that when the Revolution comes, punsters will be the frist to die.

d'oh!

First to die.

He hosts a live chat every tuesday night.

Waitaminute. Isnt that a picture of him standing outside in broad daylight? What the fuck kinda vampire is that?

If im going to vote for a vampire, im going to vote for a vampire who shares my traditional Transylvanian values. Fear of sunlight, hatred of God the Father, and a solid pledge to vote no on the Undeath Tax.

Ace, my friend, you do not have the high ground when it comes to spelling. Exhibit A: "Heathly."

Anyway, I'm playing a lawful good werewolf lord in my next campaign.

Monty says: Well, there's that whole "I hate God" thing, but I'm an atheist, so it amounts to little more than "I hate...lamp. I hate...chair.

Wow, I had no idea that lamps and chairs were also figments of my imagination created to give my weak mind a sense of peace and understanding. I'd better get up immediately, before my mind stops producing this chair. I'd hate to fall in the floor...wait. Do floors exist?

All that said, I'd vote for him and help fund the impaling poles..

But seriously, thanks for the link. I'm kicking a lot of blog-ass today. Even Allah hat-tipped me over at Link Mecca. Beating Allah to a story, especially one that works with the "Singularity!" angle, is like...uh...like a germ managing to get through Monk's defenses and give him a cold.

(Feel free to post better comparisons so I can steal them for future use.)

I can't get over his face. That's the face of a pastor or a ceo sitting on a goth-devil worship-wierdofreak's shoulders.

His wife's kinda hard to look at, unless that's another dude in the pic on his homepage. I was hoping for more pics on his site, lots of wiccan chicks are fugly, but the hot ones ... something about dirty freak-girls, I dunno.

Waitaminute. Isnt that a picture of him standing outside in broad daylight? What the fuck kinda vampire is that?

It's just a really powerful flash.

Although, now that you mention it, vampires don't show up in mirrors, so why would he show up in a photo?

Bat's wings in every pot, and a coffin in every garage!

I'm sure Chertoff will be happy to welcome other Satanic Vampires to politics. Hopefully, this ones cronies... I meant henchmen aren't as inept.

Mrs. Peel -- You've got an interesting blog. Enough science to be interesting but not enough to be geeky. I'll be a regular if you don't mind.

I hate...chair. I hate...lamp.

Daisy,

I was attempting to get off a little Brick Tamlin-style joke here. Obviously my attempt has failed.

Little known fact about Jon Sharkey: Dubs his home "Ravynloft."

Hey, he's got the Kos vote locked up, too!

Upon becoming President I will immediately recall ALL servicemen and women from combat areas around the world. Additionally, I will have President George W. Bush charged and tried for the murders of every American that has been killed in Iraq as a result of him sending them into War. Upon being convicted, I think everyone knows what his punishment will be.

Certified whack-job, but entertaining as all heck.

Although, now that you mention it, vampires don't show up in mirrors, so why would he show up in a photo?

Im beginning to think this guy might not be a real vampire at all.

He probably just pretended to be undead to dodge the draft. Sure he talks a good game with his 'impale the terrorists' platform but deep down hes just a chickenbat.

"Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!"

..and I was just thinking: why would a real vampire need a crappy hobby-shop sword? You'd think that with a vampire's legendary strength, shape-changing abilities, and mind power, a sword would be more of a hindrance than a help.

And frankly, now that I ponder upon it a bit more, I can't see how a vampire would really groove on Minnesota anyway -- what blood our Democrat-infested county and town councils don't squeeze out of us, the mosquitoes take.

Maybe we can ship this nutter over to Ann Arbor. They'd elect him in a nanosecond, in the name of diversity.

Are you freakin' kidding me. Compared to most Minnesota 3rd party candidates, this dude is William F. Buckley.

The only downsides for me is his carpet robe and his pussy little sword. Look at that cheap piece of crap. It's basically a recycled car bumper pounded into a sword by some Pakistani villager and sold for 19.95 at the local Spencer's Gifts. Whak kind of a REAL vampyre would use a sword with those pussy ribs on the back end of the blade? What, is it "ribbed, for HER pleasure"? Serrations would be tolerable, but those freakin' things serve no practical purpose other than telling observers "I'm a 12th level dumbass".

In the end, it makes no difference. Squareheads don't let us Iowans vote in their elections, but if they did, I'd vote this loser in LIKE A VIKING....Just to punish them for hoarding all the walleyes.

Sorry Monty...

*hangs head in shame*

I once played Lucy in the play "Dracula" and I can tell you that the neck sucking is highly overrated and the capes (or carpets as the case may be) serve to cover up some serious love (hate?) handles. Vampires aren't too active unless transformed into flying bats. When they aren't trying to stalk down some unsuspecting bimbo, they just lounge around in the dark all day.

WAITAMINUTE! That's Monty!!!!

;-)

The Republican governor, Tim Palenty said on the radio yesterday that the Democrat running for governor should drop out of the race. He said the real race is between him and The Impaler.

(He was kidding, I think)

He's not wearing a carpet. I have the same sheet..well two of them actually. I got a white one and a blue one off Ebay a few years ago for less than 20 bucks for the pair.

I wish it was a carpet...my wood floors are getting scratched...

Master of None, please do!

You know, Monty makes an excellent point. I didn't bother buying a sword for my 11th level werewolf lord paladin, because when she transforms, she gets two claws and a bite as a full attack action. I did buy her a lance, though, because when she is mounted (on her dire wolf), she'll probably remain in human form to fight. I thought about getting the Axiomatic enchantment on the lance, so it would be imbued with the power of law just like Chuck Norris's legs, but I decided Holy would be more useful since our DM really likes to give us undead enemies.

Uh-oh...I may have just lost Master of None as a reader with that geek-out.

When they aren't trying to stalk down some unsuspecting bimbo, they just lounge around in the dark all day.

WAITAMINUTE! That's Monty!!!!

I'm too lazy to be a good vampire. I'm more of a Mephistopheles; I lure the innocent into my evil schemes just to get a good belly-laugh out of it. (Plus, you know, some of those schemes take a lot of elbow-grease, and getting some chump to do all the heavy lifting takes the strain off of me. Like I said: I'm a lazy lazy man.) Plus I just can't manage that Eurotrash vibe that all the cool vampires put out to reel in the chicks.

From his website:
In January 2002, only 12-days after undergoing major internal surgery, as a result of actions against me by my former fiancée, I attended the Florida State Republican Convention.

Lets see, that's 3 ex-wives and a fiancee that shot or stabbed him, this guy has it all!

He's just your run-of-the-mill fake centrist. His platform takes the religious and anti-war planks from the Democrat platform and the family values and anti-crime planks from the Republicans.

We all know his anti-crime impalement proposals would get shot down by the Dems anyway, because the death penalty is not a deterrent.™

Even if he did manage to squeak impalement by them, they'd load it down with health and environmental regulations until it was practically impossible to carry out.

"Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Executioner sir, the law says you must use each impaling pole only once. You know, sanitary conditions and all, wouldn't want the executed to get an infection from a dirty pole."

You think that's a joke, but don't they use sterile needles and disinfectant skin swabs when they lethally inject someone today?

Holy cow. That celtic knot throw he's wearing? I have the exact same one in green. I don't wear mine, tho.

On the "Dark Side" section on his website, he explains that he began following Lucifer and hating God the Father when his grandmother died.

I'm tempted to throw out a few "sick and disgusting remarks" in keeping with yesterday's post about the guy that got sued for that sort of thing, but I don't want to end up on the end of an impaling pole.

Not for that, at least.

This is, like, the greatest post of all time. OK, 2006 at least.

In somewhat unrelated news, "Mrs. Peel" is pretty hot...

but I decided Holy would be more useful since our DM really likes to give us undead enemies

HOLY COW an uber-geekette-Aggie.

that's kinda hot actually.

Thanks, someone and Dave. Tomorrow night, I'm going to post a pic with some skin. It's all part of my plan to get crazy blog-money through traffic-whoring.

Remember the SNL skit "Goth Talk"?
The best part was when the goth kid's older brother, played by the very funny Jim Brewer, interrupted the scene and slapped around his little brother.

This guy Jonathan is also asking for public humiliation for being a dork.

He reminds me of Wednesday from the Addams Family.

I wonder if this guy would take human sacrifices in lieu of monetary donations?

Also, I wonder what the Hell is his Ph. D. in, anyway? I mean, do you have to go to Satanic Seminary to become a Satanic Priest?

We have a drummer that looks an awful lot like Sharkey. I sent the link to the band members and we've been yahooing about it all day.

Greg's yard looks like Sharkey's too.

I'm going to post a pic with some skin.

I believe I'm going to need some clarification on this. How much skin? On what part of the body shall said skin be revealed? Is it something that woudl get you in trouble if you did it, say, in a bar? How big a picture? And will it be a picture of you, or some grotesquely hideous internet doxie? (After which you would laugh and say, "I didn't say the picture was going to be of me! Neener!")

I've been burned before. I want details.

"I'm going to post a pic with some skin."

Do that and I'll forget about all of that D&D stuff you posted earlier.

He had me at Hecate Witch.

I'm going to post a pic with some skin.

I hope there are no more work crunches coming up - last night with Feisty and the seaweed was disastrous. Now the young sylph threatens a new productivity-thrashing strategem. Think of the trade deficit, woman!

Holy cow. That celtic knot throw he's wearing? I have the exact same one in green. I don't wear mine, tho.

huh. I just thought it was a bath towel. I have a one like that - I think I got it at WalMart

I'm pretty sure that I turned this guy down in a bar in Anoka one night . . . or maybe it was somebody else trying to bite my neck, the details are a tad blurry. Either way, I think that I speak for most Minnesotans if you could just ignore the politics here . . . thanks.

Whaddya mean, he's going to use his "evil" to do good things? What a chump. You know, in the big Good vs. Evil Ultimate Cage Match, he's going to lose either way. If the satanists win, Mr. Sharkey, not being a real satanist but only a cartoon character, will be boiled alive in a stew consisting of his own blood and entrails. On the other hand, if Jesus' Father, whom Sharkey has publically stated he hates, wins (and I think this far more likely), then he'll spend an eternity in hell. Either way, his future is grim.

Posted by: spurringirl on January 13, 2006 03:18 PM

I'm pretty sure that I turned this guy down in a bar in Anoka one night . . .

Turned him down for who? Spurwing Plover? Because that is what I think of when I see your name.

On the sleeping with his half-sister thing... well if she's hot, that's no big deal.

From the linked article: MINNEAPOLIS voters, who eight years ago elected a former professional wrestler as their governor, may find a self-proclaimed vampire on the ballot for the office this year.

Um, that would be Minnesota voters, not just Minneapolis voters. Good thing, too - the outstate and exurbian voters are the only thing keeping the state from sinking into a blue hell.

Disturbingly, Jonathan Sharkey had a bit part in the movie Predator.

Which would make him the third actor from that movie (after Ventura and Ahnuld) to be elected governor of a state, and the second for Minnesota. Small world, Hollywood.

Has Sharkey taken any position on state funding for new stadiums for the Twins and Vikings? Those have been debated for about ten years now and have gone nowhere, but the issue refuses to die. If he promises to finally put an end to it one way or the other (I'm past caring how at this point), that's a big plus in his column.

Which would make him the third actor from that movie (after Ventura and Ahnuld) to be elected governor of a state, and the second for Minnesota.

That's 'cuz filming Predator turned them all into "gawdamn sexual tyranosauruses."

Speaking of spurwing, check out Mrs. Peel's post about him. It's a riot. Be sure to read the comment's too.

I still think that the movie of The Running Man is the most trivia-cool movie ever, because it has a scene where two future governors are kicking the shit out of each other (Ventura vs Arnold). Both actors were in Predator also, but did not beat the tar out of each other.

Only in America, baby.

I still think that the movie of The Running Man is the most trivia-cool movie ever,

I met the Opera-Guy (Erland Van Lidth De Jeude) when I was a freshman - he had graduated the previous year. He was a 300 lb wrestler in college, but he had also acted and sung (that was really his voice in the movie) in musicals throughout his 4 years. He was playedbad-ass brutes in Stir Crazy and The Wanderers.

Not bad for an opera-singing geek from MIT. Unfortunately he died of heart disease in his early 40s.

I think that this thread would be an appropriate place for me to mention that if I ever meet any of you in person, I intend to taunt you mercilessly, give you a wedgie, and take your lunch money.

That's all.

Sorry, Monty. You'll just have to wait. I will tell you, though, that the picture does show me.

This is what we in the industry call a "teaser," because by the time the pic goes up, y'all's anticipation will have been building for a good 30 hours. Possibly more, because I have a planned Internet outage tomorrow that might not be resolved as quickly as I am hoping.

Otho, he said his half-sister was "hott." I assume the extra T is an intensifier.

I think that this thread would be an appropriate place for me to mention that if I ever meet any of you in person, I intend to taunt you mercilessly, give you a wedgie, and take your lunch money.

Put up a pic, tough guy.

Put up a pic, tough guy.

I don't know. I feel kinduv weird putting my picture up on the internet, to be honest. It's cool that others did, though. (By the way, nice family, Geoff, seriously.) But your old pal Sandy might be too cowardly. Some of the stuff I've said in our flame war threads could be career-limiting. :)

I will tell you, though, that the picture does show me.

You are about to become Michael's newest bestest friend.

You are about to become Michael's newest bestest friend.

But only if you put up a hi-res.

Michael does have standards, after all.

If any of the AoSHQ ladies were my half or even full sister and were offering, I wouldn't refuse.

It's all part of my plan to get crazy blog-money through traffic-whoring.

Your plan sure as hell earned you a bookmark on my browser.

When are you going to fill in your Profile with titillating details about your wanton social life?

Michael does have standards, after all.

No, I don't.

Wanton social life? You mean when my elf wizard had a thing for Shadow Moon, the handsome elf archer NPC?

Wanton social life? You mean when my elf wizard had a thing for Shadow Moon, the handsome elf archer NPC?

Holy crap, I think you may have just outgeeked most of the guys on this site.

And that is a serious accomplishment.

Otho Laurence:
If any of the AoSHQ ladies were my half or even full sister and were offering, I wouldn't refuse.

What I coincidence. I feel exactly the same way! If any of the AoSHQ ladies were your sister, I wouldn't refuse, either.

Well, I was kidding, if that helps.

To briefly return to the original topic, I just noticed that in the "Jonathon's Dark Side" page, he lists three examples, quote, "from history," of people turning to the Dark Side, and his third is Anakin Skywalker.

I think that says it all.

Sandy, if any of the AOSHQ ladies have a pulse, you wouldn't refuse.

Well, he probably won't get elected, but at least Spinal Tap has found their next drummer!

Touche, Michael. (By the way, thanks for pointing out an important distinction between my low standards and Monty's even lower standards. Although you didn't mention him by name, it was understood.)

"Well, he probably won't get elected, but at least Spinal Tap has found their next drummer!"

I don't think he qualifies. Vampires = undead. Don't Spinal Tap drummers have to be able to die?

Monty's even lower standards

I prefer to think of it as a "situationally flexible" moral outlook.

This is usually where spurwing pops in and says something like:

the SUPERFRENDS had an enemy called DARKSEID

Re: Spinal Tap Drummers

I don't think they have to be able to die necessarily, just burst into flames spontaneously.

Or choke to death on their own vomit.

Wait, it wasn't his vomit.

And he died.

nevermind

Well, I was kidding, if that helps.

Geekiness is a plus on this site.

Or were you kidding about the picture? Because if you were, that may just ruin some weekends.

I've lurked here long enough to know geekiness is a plus, but there's always a threshold of geekiness that just shouldn't be crossed. Of course, Ace vaulted over it with his D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates, my second favorite post ever, so I suppose I shouldn't be worried.

Y'all's weekends are safe, assuming I resolve my planned Internet outage in as timely of a fashion as I anticipate.

I'm thinking maybe I should run for office sometime.

If I were in charge, I'd put a large tax on the sale of dice with more than six sides. Kinduv like a cigarette or alcohol tax, only with added spite.

So we get to keep our d4s?

Speaking for real vampire witch satanists, I'd like to point out that this guy is a tool.

He strikes me as the kind of guy who can flash a smile, come up with a nice conversation, and at the end of the day, you're draining the food.

Speaking of dice,

I assume you geeks have all seen this?

I'm thinking maybe I should run for office sometime.

Get some tips from Brewfan.

I'll bet all dice have six sides in his town.

I'll bet all dice have six sides in his town.

No dice here. Pull tabs, on the other hand...

Its over.

I used to be pro-vampire, but this idiot's sub-moronic countenance will forever haunt and ruin my enjoyment of a good Dracula flick.

I'm sure you zombie lovers felt the same way during Al Gore's candidacy.

Brew, did you get my email?

Where is Spurwing? Hope the bird flu didn't catch up to him.

/snicker Shawn. You can imitate but never duplicate the Spurwing, Bart. I'm tellin ya', the man (droid?, kid?, entity?) is pure genius. Words to live by indeed.

There is no way Spurwing Plover is a kid. He knows too many things that somebody under the age of about 30 almost certainly wouldn't know.

I personally think he's a random sentence generator. I could almost code him myself (I couldn't write the sentence generator part, but I could probably write the algorithms to identify the keywords of the post and cross-correlate with right-wing talking points, and then randomly misspell words in the generated sentence). I wish the person who coded him would develop an SP AIM bot. That would rock.

And I take umbrage at Sandy's ageism.

Severe umbrage.

I recall one post where spurwing (people, people, people, get it right - NEVER capitalize the name) broke the fourth wall with something like "do you know how hot it is in this spurwing plover costume?"

I swear, this topic could fuel a whole fistfull of dissertations.

I recall one post where spurwing (people, people, people, get it right - NEVER capitalize the name) broke the fourth wall with something like "do you know how hot it is in this spurwing plover costume?"
Posted by Russ from Winterset at January 13, 2006 09:17 PM

You're kidding. I wish I had read that post. Damnit I love the wit and wisdom of spurwing. The more I read, the smarter he/she/it seems.

Could a random sentence generator know all the lyrics to England Swings? And spurwing plover is the go to guy for reviews of big ape movies.

Personally, I think of spurwing plover as a Lily of the Field.

Sure, it could know lyrics. What it knows depends on what you program into it. It would be really easy to write an algorithm to display lyrics of a given song if the appropriate keywords are found in the post. (Someone ask me about the completely brilliant C++ code I wrote to display The Twelve Days of Christmas, pretty please? It was a stroke of genius so bold that I'm still proud of it 5 years and several programming languages later.)

What I wonder is whether the guy who wrote the generator visits sites to see what people are saying about it. If he does, he must laugh so hard.

The other big reason I think sp is a generator is, well, because I question the timing. He'll have posts one or two minutes apart on threads that are fairly widely spaced on AOSHQ.

From my research, I place spurwing's date of birth circa 1958.

If a randnm genrator could make some coMments it owuld say HOOKM horns to AGGIES

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh spurwing plover R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.

As Tom Hanks once said, "that's all I've got to say about that."

I'm wondering if PLV would tell Sharkey to suck his dick?

Mrs. Peel is a programmer too? [swooning]

I hope he doesn't get pissed off with us talking about him this way. I don't want to see bird feathers all over the place.

huh. I just thought it was a bath towel. I have a one like that - I think I got it at WalMart

No, that's not a bath towel TX Dave, it's too big and too thin.

Replace the **** in the following link with "e-bay" and leave out the dash...

http://cgi.****.com/CELTIC-WALL-TAPESTRY-BEDSPREAD-THROW-red-ROUND-KNOT_W0QQitemZ7725785979QQcategoryZ13739QQtcZphotoQQcmdZViewItem

...and you'll see a picture of a similar one. Ace's robo-censor wouldn't let me post the link directly.

We have several of them. We mainly use them at SCA events to cover up items that aren't historically accurate (like beer coolers).

If one takes out God the Father, won't we left with a Biunity? Honestly, the anti-God-ism of many neo-pagans and modern "witches" is quite annoying. It's so hypocritical and juvenile. Even though I passed through a neo-pagan phase, I never hated God. Is obsessing about Goddess any better than obsessing about God? In the neo-pagan framework, aren't both unbalanced? Doesn't neo-paganism teach balance between opposites, thereby making our dear vampyre somewhat inconsistent? Doesn't neo-paganism, furthermore, teach tolerance and acceptance? Why should one tolerate and accept another's worship of Hekate, Shiva, Lucifer, and Amaterasu-oo-mi-kami but not "God the Father"? At least God the Father has living religions, unlike the faux reconstructed cults around long-dead deities. In any case, why worship deities of long-dead civilizations? It's obvious that those deities are powerless, else their civilizations would still survive. Plus, God the Father never demanded human sacrifices, the same which cannot be said about certain Hindu and ancient Latin American (and, debatedly, Celtic) deities or systems.

As "tolerant" and "open-minded" as they portray themselves to be, they are so bitterly intolerant and close-minded when it comes to certain traditional religions, especially Christianity. Actually, they can be bitterly intolerant and close-minded against anything that dares challenge their beliefs and practices. (Which can sometimes get quite amusing - "witch wars" can be on anything as trivial as the direction one goes around in the circle to as major as schisms, leadership battles, and the like. Despite claiming to be different from mainstream religions, they sure share a lot of their faults and tendencies - including the erection and dissemination of false histories and "scientific" theories.)

Do I have a beef with them. Hmmmmm. Maybe. ;-)

Impaling people is so mid-1400s. I think the guillotine is far more entertaining and effective. Nothing beats a good injection, though.

I swear I saw a throw rug looked just like it. Got the boxy corner pattern... Chinese I think.

Muslihoon makes me swoon.

And spurwing will hopefully run against the Hildebeast in '08. Even if he doesn't, I will compile his knowledge in a tome and bury it in the sands of eternity, waiting for its rediscovery millenia from now when it can be understood and appreciated.

Wow, Muslihoon, you've got some incorrect issues with Wicca and paganism. Although Wiccans do tend to be anti-Christian, that's changing over time. It's just a reaction against the religion that many of them came from - like your reaction to Islam. As more people are born into Wicca, that anger is dissipating. There are a few of us conservative Wiccans who are tolerant and respectful of Christianity - I even consider myself part of the religious right.

Other than that, very few Wiccans worship only a goddess, without a god, and I've never heard of anyone arguing over which way the circle goes - rules about circle creation/uncreation are pretty much set in stone.

I personally think he's a random sentence generator.

I'm convinced he's quite real. And maybe it's me, but he seems to be getting pithier.

Also, only the morons within Wicca lie about our history. We know that we are a reconstructed religion based (loosely) on everything from a few known remnants of Celtic paganism, to spiritualism, to Qabbalic mysticism. Most witches I've known are simply trying to discover and reorganize whatever aspects of European paganism that we can gleen from history.

My quest for the exclusive interview with the elusive spurwing plover is proving to be a daunting task; insurmountable, perhaps.

My email attempts are failing, yet the failure notice gives me hope.

:
User's Disk Quota Exceeded.
Sorry, your intendend recipient has too much mail stored in their mailbox.
Your message totalled 1.23 Kbytes (1264 bytes).
However a small ( inform the person you tried to email.

"I swear I saw a throw rug looked just like it. Got the boxy corner pattern... Chinese I think."

I wouldn't be surprised. Celtic patterns are getting really popular. Vampire Man's outfit wouldn't make a good rug, tho, 'cause it's so thin you an see through it. They make crappy bedspreads, too, but they look cool (in some pagan college dorm room theme).

I recall one post where spurwing (people, people, people, get it right - NEVER capitalize the name) broke the fourth wall with something like "do you know how hot it is in this spurwing plover costume?"

And I get no respect for blogging in my Batman costume. None. Nada. Y'know, that cape can get pretty warm too.

This Impaler guy is a loser and he's starting to bug me. He's a grown man, for pete's sake! I can well imagine what is outside the frame of that photo: A little kid on a Big Wheel, an above-ground pool, and a 1989 Chevy Corsica with a Domino's Pizza sign tied to the roof. Fecking vampire, my ass.

Back to spurwing --
So that's a lot of email in spurwing's mailbox. Then again, spurwing is all over the Net leaving comments with his email address attached. No doubt he is receiving lots of email.

We can also deduce that he does not open his mailbox on a regular basis, or even at all. That is in line with the oblivious nature of his charcter. He may not even know he has a mailbox.

If anyone has any ideas on how to proceed from here, I'm all ears.

waiting for its rediscovery millenia from now when it can be understood and appreciated

LOOK upon my werks and despAIR

Damn, I was going to email him/it. I guess I'll just have to make up my own email exchange, in which CHIKWINS will feature heavily, instead.

Nice Oz reference, Dave.

And Brew - no need to swoon. I merely have beginner-level experience in a handful of languages, nothing fancy.

Well, for a start, spurwing plover seems to be some sort of Dutch indy band:

http://voorraad.hemisphere.nl/Lul%20Spurwing%20Plover%207.htm

Suggest a post you think he'd respond to, Bart, and maybe I can do it.

I like 'Who's hotter, Betty or Veronica?'

If anyone has any ideas on how to proceed from here, I'm all ears.

I think you'd better reconcile yourself to appreciating the inscrutability that is spurwing from afar. Plus I suspect he's a fractal creature: the deeper you delve for answers, the more imponderably spurwing he is.

Or, spurwing plover could be some kind of bird:

* Masked lapwing (Spurwing plover) Vanellus miles novaehollandiae

http://www.inalabruny.com.au/birdlist.html

adolfo:

Didn't I give you an award in the Cool Facts About Dick Cheney Contest? As a life-long Lutheran, it's comforting for me to know that you are a Wiccan on the "religious right."

Everybody:

While we are singing the praises of spurwing as our favorite troll, may I make a request?

WILL EVERYBODY PLEASE STOP TALKING TO PLV? THESE ARE THE MOST BORING FUCKING THREADS I HAVE SEEN HERE! JUST LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE!

I like 'Who's hotter, Betty or Veronica?

which one of them has a hump?

You're not the boss of me.

Bart, I had the same response when I tried to email SP.

adolfo velasquez - I stand corrected. It has been some time since I hung out with the neo-pagan crowd. And I do understand their reaction against the religion they left (although I wonder if neo-pagans who were Jews or Muslims or Buddhists would feel the same way). It is true that I disliked Islam when I left it, although I dislike it now for quite different reasons. (I blame Qutb, Mawdudi, and other Islamic scholars.)

I mentioned direction within a circle because some adamantly believe that going in the wrong direction - widdershins rather than deosil - would attract negative energy or cause the energy that is built up to be dissipated, and is therefore fundamentally wrong. Others believe it doesn't matter. I suppose some of the issues that got me worked up were less to do with Wicca and more to do with the general magic(k)al community. Another issue of great debate is the acceptability of Crowleyism - one organization I belonged to adamantly rejected Crowleyism to the point that one could not be a Crowleyist/Thelemite and a member of the organization at the same time. Furthermore, one had to have rejected Crowleyism before joining, if one was a Crowleyist before. Some love him passionately, others hate him with equal passion. I find both to be amusing. I still take issue with certain attitudes I have found to be common - although the trend may be different now - that make them similar to, rather than different from as they claim, mainstream religions. (Which, in my books, can be a good thing: from a fringe movement, neo-paganism is slowly drifting into the mainstream, which will give it structures and institutions that will help it survive.) Just to clarify, I believe "Wicca" to be a denomination, as it were, of neo-paganism, one which is different from, say, Dianic witchcraft, Stregheria, Kemetic Orthodoxy (one group I checked out), Asatru, Druidism, and other various groups. In my opinion, perhaps the best of them all are Wicca and Feri. (Afro-genic religions, such as Santeria, Lukumi, Vodun, and Candomble, belong to a separate movement, despite some attempts by neo-pagans to incorporate elements of these movements. However, certain aspects, such as possession and animal sacrifice, are unpalatable to neo-pagans.)

OT: Crowley's experience in transcribing The Book of the Law, and even some attitudes regarding it, seem to mirror similar occurences in Islam (with Muhammad) and the Restoration Movement (with Joseph Smith, Jr.). I find it interesting how a group as free and anarchic as Thelemites would have a veritable book of Scripture. It seems, in the end, to be closer to the Qur'an than the Book of Mormon: although the latter has gone through a few editions, with corrections and reformatting and whatnot, both the Qur'an and The Book of the Law are said to remain in their pristine, original condition. Bothmay not be tampered with (The Book of the Law 1:36). Indeed, most copies of the latter include a copy of Crowley's handwritten manuscript (in accordance with The Book of the Law 3:47, I suppose).

Anyway, adolfo, if you could please send me an email, I'd love to discuss this with you. I never thought I'd find a right-wing Wiccan around here. :-) More power to you! Blessed be.

Bart, you can't expect spurwing plover to check his mailbox. That's not how he rolls. Outdated conventions like punctuation, spelling, and checking your inbox are just another way to keep you under the man's thumb, and spurwing is all about charting his own path.

I've got nothing. Maybe you should offer free sandwiches for interview subjects.

Posted by Michael at January 13, 2006 11:11 PM

Yes, I won the 'best Cheney's penis joke' award in the Dick Cheney thread. That was quite an honor, considering all of the competition.

In my search of the internet for spurwing clues, I've come across quite a few comments from the mysterious entity. It's like X Files, the mystery just keeps getting deeper.

Well he's strafing the threads even as we speak. spurwing? are you there?

Bird sighting in the top thread.

At least God the Father has living religions, unlike the faux reconstructed cults around long-dead deities. In any case, why worship deities of long-dead civilizations? It's obvious that those deities are powerless, else their civilizations would still survive.

Muslihoon:

The Jews from Judah were thinking the same thing during the Babylonian Captivity. Fortunately, some of them were reading the words of Isaiah, and stuck it out. When a Persian king named Cyrus appeared to challenge Babylon, as predicted by Isaiah long before, they most have been laughing their asses off.

Bird sighting in the top thread.

Who's got the capture bag?

Don't ruin the mystery guys, think about this. Are we really sure we want to know the truth behind spurwing?

Hey Michael, I said the EXACT same thing about Cedarford, but no one listened to me, either.

The only thing that keeps people from talking to morons is their outright banning, which should happen to PLV soon if it hasn't already.

Mrs. Peel.

Likely because I am a graduate of the Texas A & M University system.

Posted by Muslihoon at January 13, 2006 11:16 PM

How in heck did you go from Islam, through all the Crowley stuff, neo-paganism, and end up in Judaism/Christianity? You've had quite a trip.

Anyway, I agree neo-pagans tend to be bigots about Christianity. Geeky asses like the Minnesota vampire don't help matters.

I'm telling you guys, look at the timing. Even I can't read and post as fast as he does, and I read wicked fast.

bbeck,

is mocking it the same as talking to it?

cause if true I'll drop that like a used rubber you'll pardon the vernacular...

I think he just reads the headlines, which is why trying to catch him in the comments never works. He's obviously typing frenetically, and pausing for word choice or sentence structure is not an issue.

Ooh, I feel like one of those strom chasers.

Laura, he's attracted to, how should I say it, less heady material. He likes flying cars, spaceships, old tv shows and characters, movies, monsters, and birds.

Spurwing is definitley a birder. If we can find a story about a bird or birds, he'd be all over it.

OK, so this is the AOSHQ Friday Night Crazy Thread™ for all of us with nothing better to do.

Wheres my garlic? wheres my holy water? wheres my wooden stake? and Mallet? i want to play VAN HELSING

Check out his mention of DAN RATHER in the top thread. All caps on names is a trait of another spurwing type from Right Wing News, birdzilla.

Someone yesterday pointed out the comparison, I'm starting to agree with them. Plus, both names have something to do with birds.

And he scrolls and comments from top to bottom, it would seem.

There he goes.
I was waiting for him to get here.

O geoff of little faith. Just last week, spurwing answered one of my questions directly. Laura saw it.

Hah! Vampire references. I doubt you'd get that in a political random text generator.

Wheres my garlic? wheres my holy water? wheres my wooden stake? and Mallet? i want to play VAN HELSING

. . . and like that, poof, he's gone . . .

Since he just reads the headlines, I might just put his name in there.
Work on it tomorrow.

1. Spurwing is not a troll. He does nothing to disrupt the board and does not insult anyone. Unless, you are poultry, of course.

2. Spurwing Plover has feelings. Don't forget that.

3. I think this might draw him out. He really likes this song:

England swings like a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two . . .

you read the headlines from the NTY and CMN and you see theyre libreal OPINIONS

Very interesting. Another we have learned is that our elusive spurwing, in a day or two, will leave another comment on a thread. For istance, in this thread tomorrow, he might say, "Drakula is no match for FRANKENSTEIN."

OK, I see a pattern here. I charted his recent activity and came up with the following times and threads:

11:16 in "Marmalard, Dead!"
11:17 in "Al Gore.."
11:20 in "Survival..."
11:22 in "Judge Cashman..."
11:24 in "..Red on Red.."
11:26 in "Canada"
11:29 in "Satanic Vampire"

If you'll look at the order of those posts on the page, you'll see it's 1,2,3..6,7,8..11 ...and so on.

He might be a bot, or he might just have his own way of making comments that doesn't really read comments before commenting himself.

Hey Michael, I said the EXACT same thing about Cedarford, but no one listened to me, either.

I will NOT tolerate you putting the esteemed Cedarford, the best troll we've ever had, in the same category as PLV!

Cedarford had humor, charm, subtlety, and was well-informed and intelligent. He was one of a kind. And, of course, he was a racist nut case, but we all have our little flaws.

BRING BACK CEDARFORD!!!!!

He might be a bot, or he might just have his own way of making comments that doesn't really read comments before commenting himself.
Posted by Russ from Winterset at January 13, 2006 11:37 PM

Time in spurwing's universe may not conform to our own physics. I think we need to consider all theories.

Hunt the spurwing plover - this is exciting!

Thanks, adolfo. Good point on SP.

Yes, shawn, excellent. I too saw spurwing's post of the old Roger Miller song.

I feel like an anthropologist. Very exciting.

Has anybody charted his migratory patterns? Where does he go before and after he strafes the threads here?

I just have a lot of difficulty believing that someone that incoherent could grasp the concept of INTERNET and leaving comments. That's another reason why I think he's a bot.

Here chickee, chickee, chickee!

shawn is right. spurwing plover is about as far as you can get from your comon internet troll (trollus sphincterius). Trolls come up on your porch and take a dump, while the spurwing plover, like it's namesake bird, sits on a branch outside your window and sings a song. I'd hate to drive him off, but I fear that anything I say in the comments won't make any difference as to his staying or going.

That's another reason why I think he's a bot.

Many months ago I did a simple search on him, since there had been a similar flurry of interest (not this large, though). I found his name and hometown in less than 10 minutes. In light of the fiasco-which-shall-not-be-named, I purged the info from my brain. But I'm convinced he's real.

and unlike some retards on this site, spurwing plover knows how to close up italics. D'OH!

He's not a fecking bot. Can't be. He really did respond to one of my questions.

Spurwing is, I believe, a fifty year old man living in Southern Oregon. His favorite pastime is birds.

Geoff, you're good at outing people who want to keep their privacy, what should we do?

;)

3. I think this might draw him out. He really likes this song:

England swings like a pendulum do
Bobbies on bicycles, two by two . . .

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't keep up with this thread if your going to make me fall over!

Oh, I know what might get him back. Anything PETA related gets him really excited.

PETA, PETA, PETA, PETA, PETA here chickee, chickee, chickee, PETA, PETA, PETA, PETA.

I will NOT tolerate you putting the esteemed Cedarford, the best troll we've ever had, in the same category as PLV!

You're going to have to tolerate it because they ARE in the same category. A moron is a moron, and every time Cedarford got caught tripping over his tongue, he resorted to precisely the same rhetoric PLV does. That's fact. It's also a fact that both these trolls claimed to have served in the military when they haven't.

Cedarford had humor, charm, subtlety, and was well-informed and intelligent.

All Cedarford had was a raging case of Don't Know When to Shut Up. He was Book-Learned and Brain-Stupid, which became painfully obvious about three sentences into ANY of his posts.

He was one of a kind. And, of course, he was a racist nut case, but we all have our little flaws.

He always reminded me of a line from "A Fish Called Wanda..."

Otto: Apes don't read philosophy!

Wanda: Yes they do, they just don't understand it.

All I know is that spurwing's posts are comforting, like chicken noodle soup.

I see geoff addressed my question simultaneously as I asked it. Am I right about Oregon?

If someone can find an interesting article about a plover, maybe laura can post it.

Michael, Cedarford was a slightly more articulate version of PLV. Look past his "Republifag" posts. No meaningful difference.

Ooooo, good idea, bart.

So THAT'S why geoff wanted to know what my major was!

Shawn, you gotta throw in Ted Kennedy and the New York Times. That'll draw him out for sure.

Here's an article on plovers, including spurwing plovers, with great pics:

http://montereybay.com/creagrus/plovers.html

I know he comments all over the interwebthingy, but couldn't we here at the AoSHQ adopt spurwing plover and claim him as one of us? It could be like when Riverside, Iowa jumped up in the late 60's and pre-emptively declared themselves to be the "future birthplace of Captain James T. Kirk".

Ace? Can we keep him? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEASE? Michael has already volunteered to feed him, and he doesn't make a mess. It would be really cool, and you KNOW we can't keep a gerbil alive & "de-sphincterified" in here with PLV around.

How does spur feel about gays? Here's something at plover.com: Rainbow Ice. It's about GLBTA issues related to figure skating.

Shit! I meant "more" not "me."

RAYMOND BURR

(just launching some test balloons, people)

Sorry about the f'ed up link. The code was correct and it looked perfectly fine in the preview. I blame INTERNET.

Bart, I think that was one of MY slips there. Do you have something you'd like to tell us all about your relationship with dad?

Raymond Burr?
Oh, I see, an old tv star. Right?

By the way, Timmy wants to remind everyone that Raymond Burr was a homo.

Raymond Burr kicked ass.

D'oh! Russ beat me to the joke. And did a better job of it, too. Dude, you suck.

Sorry about the f'ed up link

you did catch that I am a graduate of the Texas A&M University system, right?

I see geoff addressed my question simultaneously as I asked it. Am I right about Oregon?

Northern California.

And huh-uh, Mrs. Peel, it was just professional curiosity.

See, Cedarford forever won my heart with his story about the Japanese sailors on their sinking ship who would not abandon their inflatable dolls. I don't know, somehow that spoke to me. No other troll has touched me that way.

Y'all really know how to beat a dead horse.

And speaking of dead horse beating, here's Dave still gloating about dem Hoe-rns.

I think the commenter that is closest to Cedarford in tone and behavior is tubino. He's like Cedarford without the anti-Semitism.

Playing Compare And Contrast with trolls is too much like noting the color differences between urine samples.

No other troll has touched me that way.

Liar! You said you loved me!

the color differences between urine samples.

or checking ammonia levels in your new aquarium.

and I'm red-green colorblind. dammit.

RAYMOND BURR was in spurwings favorite Godzilla movie.

(Not only was he gay, he was into golden showers.)

I was going to say Southern Oregon/Northern California, but it was too vague and I wanted to be clever.

I just found a site for the meals on wheels program in Plover, WI, but I've been scared off posting links for the nonce.

Dave, I did see that, and was about to post an "eh?" but then the comment server went down briefly, and by the time I got it working, the thread had moved into the SP discussion. So are you bitter because you didn't merit an Aggie Ring?

geoff, I know. I was just teasing.

Oh, man. We are all going to get tired, fall asleep, and when we wake up the entire left column of Recent Comments will read: spurwing plover, spurwing plover, spurwing plover. . .

merit an Aggie ring? *smile*

I was offered an Aggie diploma, 4 years after I graduated, when East Texas State University became Texas A&M Commerce, Tx.

For 25 bucks.

I politely declined. Mrs. Peel.

Huh. I hate how the non-CS branches try to mooch off the name of the CS branch. I'm not sure what the proper redass opinion on the matter is, but I can't help being a bit snobbish.

So did you do your grad work at UT?

and I'm red-green colorblind.

You must have a difficult time around Christmas.

I'm off. Big day tomorrow, regional fighter practice...

No. I sent my eldest daughter to UT.

I was kicked out of Baylor, and NTSU, before I finally managed to get a degree from ETSU

Ah, nifty. Did/does she like it? One of my best friends attended, and she had a wonderful time. The funny thing is that we also went to rival high schools. We used to joke that we would have to find rival grad schools to continue the tradition, but considering one of us is engineering and the other is liberal arts...

bbeck, I am reliably informed red and green Christmas decorations are really pretty.

I'll take em at their word.

She's doing well, thanks Mrs. Peel.

Dave: Hey, I hit on her first.

I was offered an Aggie diploma, 4 years after I graduated, when East Texas State University became Texas A&M Commerce, Tx.

Good move!

Cuz, like, next to Yale, a degree from East Texas State has some clout!

Bart, I had the same response when I tried to email SP.

Okay, now we know why spurwing's email box is full. Muslihoon probably sent him a few of his 2,500-word messages to say "hello."

I've always been an underachiever Michael.

It's my trademark.

All of you, stop hitting on the new girl.

Geez...it's like watching "Beauty and the Mega-Geeks" around here.

I've always been an underachiever Michael.

LOL!

OK, I want to know exactly how the fuck did you manage to get kicked out of NTSU? I mean, Chugging 101 is a required course for freshman.

I've always been an underachiever Michael.
It's my trademark.

I specialize in swimming-against-the-stream-and-refusing-to-play-the-game, which has led to a more challenging career path than it might have been. Keep telling myself: "don't be stupid, play the system." But I just can't do it.

NTSU was grades only.

Baylor was a little more involved. I like to say it was a great big misunderstanding. Which is kind to me.

But I did get an interview with Abner V. McCall.

He was nice. But insistent.

We got sidetracked by spurwing, but did anyone else notice Adolfo said he was a witch?

I suppose it's not too far off from scientology...

But I just can't do it

this, from a scientist.

Okay, now we know why spurwing's email box is full. Muslihoon probably sent him a few of his 2,500-word messages to say "hello."

LOL some more!

Musli, buddy, we love you, but a "comment" is not a "six-volume theology treatise." Dude, at least break it up and scatter it around in a few different threads.

this, from a scientist.

[airily] Some things are beyond the reach of reason and analysis.

All of you, stop hitting on the new girl.

Eh, it's kind of fun. Besides, Slu, you're the only one who E-mailed me a mash note.

I'm not much on playing the game myself...funny thing is that I am an excellent public speaker who doesn't turn a hair at the sight of an audience of thousands (e.g., my high school grad speech), or, for that matter, an audience of ten that includes my superior and my superior's superior with my future job offer in the balance, but when it comes to something like a party, I'm so lost.

I tell ya...scientists, lawyers, programmers, engineers...

For such a smart bunch, we sure do engage in quite a bit of potty humor.

Besides, Slu, you're the only one who E-mailed me a mash note.

SHHHHHHH!!!!!!

That was supposed to be our little secret, remember?!?

Slub! You emailed a hitter?

For such a smart bunch, we sure do engage in quite a bit of potty humor.

Speak for yourself, poopy-pants.

How'd the Xbox session go?

Yer damn skippy I did.

Wanted to beat you all to the punch.

Xbox went well. Had some friends over, ate some pizza, drank some beer...

you wascal you

Well, all I have to say is, I know who's getting the "special" pictures, and it ain't Michael.

But seriously folks, got to get my beauty sleep. Catch you on the flip side.

Besides, Slu, you're the only one who E-mailed me a mash note.

Damn! I was going to do that.

It's all about timing.

Okay, fine...it wasn't anything nearly as interesting as a mash note...it was just a 'hey, good blog' note.

I'm really not clever enough to figure out the subltle art of online hitting.

LOL! Sowwy! I'll be better.

See! Small post. :-)

Crap...it's 1:30 here on the East Coast. Time for bed...catch you all later this weekend.

I gotta watch some martial art movies and have a coupla beers, so I, too, will sign off.

But before I go: DaveinTX - that verse you wrote to the tune of Money for Nothing was side-splitting. I've re-read it about 4 times, and the wife loved it too. Forgot to mention it before.

I tell ya...scientists, lawyers, programmers, engineers...

store clerks...

geoff, lauraw was the inspiration. I just tagged along trying to be funny too.

geoff, lauraw was the inspiration. I just tagged along trying to be funny too.

I liked lauraw's opening, but she didn't say "a dingleberry on his derriere." And manage to rhyme it in meter.

it probably helps that I've been in two bands who covered that tune.

anyway, thanks!

All I did was change two words. That set of lyrics were just so easy.

Dave is more creative and witty than that.

I was so jealous of his craft, I spent an hour furiously waxing and polishing my hunchback until it glowed.

That always makes a gal feel better.

I spent an hour furiously waxing and polishing my hunchback until it glowed.

That's a fine-lookin' hump, ma'am. Howz' about doin' my shinbones next?

a woman who is with hump just glows naturally.

I dunno what it is.

*chuckling*

Naturally? I wish!

Unless you call rolling around under a pneumatic car-buffer mounted to the garage wall 'natural.'

That's lauraw's Beauty Tip #34.

Next up: Accessorizing your hump!

Don't stop now, Laura. This thread is good for at least another 3 hits.

Damn hippy ran off with the sword over the mantle and the rug in front of the hearth - now what can he want with those...?

Gack! He was spotted by Edgar and Bertha down the street, giving political speeches from their back yard by the clothesline!

Time for the men in white coats and butterfly nets I think...