Saturday Night Club ONT - May 2, 2026 [D Squared]

Welcome to Club ONT - a collaboration of The Disco and The Dino. Come in in, grab a drink or 3. Please keep the horsing around to a minimum. We don't want to throw you in the corral of misery. Think there's somewhere else better to hang out tonight?? We say NEIGH!

Saturday Night Jokes and Other Funnies

Dolly Parton and King Charles happened to arrive at the Pearly Gates on the very same day.

They were greeted by an angel who explained that, due to a paperwork mix-up, there was only one opening available in Heaven that afternoon.

"I'm afraid I'll have to decide which one of you gets in," the angel said.

The angel turned to Dolly and asked if there was any special reason she should be admitted.

Dolly smiled, took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're two of God's most perfect creations and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The angel thanked her politely and then asked King Charles the same question.

Without saying a word, the King walked over to a nearby restroom, pressed the handle, and flushed the toilet.

The angel immediately turned and said, "Your Majesty, welcome to Heaven."

Dolly stared in disbelief and said, "Hold on just a minute. I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down, and he just flushed a toilet. How does that make sense?"

The angel shrugged and replied, "Sorry, Dolly, but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair every time."

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A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "Honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut.

As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go outside and help the poor man."

Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?"

From the darkness, he hears a reply, "Yes, please."

"Where are you?" the husband asks.

"Over here on the swing set."

Drink of the Night

Derby Day Tradition - Mint Julep

Surprisingly easy to make!

Whether you're hosting a Kentucky Derby party or you're just craving a refreshing bourbon cocktail, this mint julep recipe is sure to hit the spot.

The key to making a great mint julep is making fresh mint flavored simple syrup.

Mint Simple Syrup:

2 cups water
2 cups white sugar
1/2 cup roughly chopped fresh mint leaves

Cocktails:

8 cups crushed ice, or as needed
32 fluid ounces Kentucky bourbon
8 sprigs fresh mint for garnish

Once you have your mint flavored simple syrup -
Fill eight glasses with crushed ice
pour 4 ounces bourbon and 1/4 cup mint syrup into each cup
Top each drink with a mint sprig

Crushed ice works best. It allows for dense packing in the glass / cup.

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Club ONT Kentucky Derby Department Number 2

Churchill Downs reveals what happens to pounds of horse poop from the track

The process starts in each barn where it's the duty of a couple of employees to grab a shovel and start scooping.

"Twice a day, minimum, they go in and clean those stalls, where the wet spots are and the manure, and they basically bring in a wheel barrel and haul it out," Hargrave said.

Poo pits are strategically placed backside, fittingly, on both sides of most barns.

"We saw a truck carrying it out," a tourist told WDRB.

The semi, that can't have enough air fresheners in the cab, stops at Keeneland first.

"They'll go to an area there, and they'll dump it there, bail it," Hargrave explained.

Then it's off to mushroom farms. WDRB followed the scent to one in Tennessee.

Monterey Mushrooms in Loudon, just outside Knoxville, is the lucky recipient of three to five trucks full of "deposits" a day.

Club ONT Department of Innovation

Is this real?

Club ONT Employment Office

Marco Rubio realizing he was that close to running Spirit Airlines. Now he can return the outfit.

Club ONT Department of Anatomy

From the UC Davis Dermatology Online Journal (Volume 12, Issue 4):

A 22-year-old woman sought medical care for a lesion in the plantar region of her left foot, a well-formed nipple surrounded by areola and hair. Microscopic examination of the dermis showed hair follicles, eccrine glands, and sebaceous glands. Fat tissue was noted at the base of the lesion. Clinical and histopathologic findings were consistent with the diagnosis of supernumerary breast tissue, also known as pseudomamma. To our knowledge, this is the first report of supernumerary breast tissue on the foot.

"Misplaced extra nipple" are words that don't commonly go together.

Club ONT Department of Ant Counting

Ever wonder how many ants there are on earth? Nope, not here either. But apparently six academics joined to answer the question.

Integrating data from all continents and major biomes, we conservatively estimate 20 × 10¹⁵ (20 quadrillion) ants on Earth, with a total biomass of 12 megatons of dry carbon. This exceeds the combined biomass of wild birds and mammals and equals 20% of human biomass.

The current world population is about 8.29 billion which means there are about 2.4 million ants per person on earth.

No idea what you do with that information, but you're welcome.

Club ONT Department of Arachnophobia

The story behind Little Miss Muffet. No wonder she was frightened away!

The Club ONT Jukebox

Top 10ish Comments of the Week

Club ONT is brought to you tonight by Ways to Quit Your Job Politely

Wheeler Walker, Jr. has his own take on the same subject. Language is not family friendly.

Club ONT is not responsible for Derby hats left behind after closing. Please keep your hats within eyesight at all times. On a completely unrelated note, restrooms are free tonight - no tokens required.

posted by Open Blogger at 09:55 PM

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