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January 09, 2006

Senator Ted Kennedy To Write (Ahem) Children's book.

Maybe he could team up with Madonna and write the most terrifying children's book ever:

Meet the latest children's author, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and his Portuguese Water Dog, Splash, his co-protagonist in "My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C." Scholastic Inc. will release the book in May.
"I am very excited about the opportunity to create a book for young readers and their families that will deepen their understanding of how our American government works," Kennedy said in a statement Monday issued by Scholastic.

According to Scholastic, Kennedy's book "not only takes readers through a full day in the Senator's life, but also explains how a bill becomes a law." Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, was inspired to write the book from his work with a Washington-based reading program, "Everybody Wins!"

See Heather.

Heather is an intern.

See Heather's skirt.

Notice how her skirt so closely traces the silhouette of her supple, coltish buttocks?

Heather wears that skirt for Senator Ted.

She wants it.

Don't ask what "it" means. Your Mommy or Daddy will explain that to you some other time.

Just accept: She wants "it," whatever that might mean.

No, not cookies.

Something even better than cookies.

Let's just move on.

See the desk.

See the top drawer of the desk.

See Ted opening the top drawer of the desk and then mixing his "magic elixir."

He calls this "magic elixir" a "Chivas Royal."

He'll offer one or eight of these magic elixirs to Heather.

If Heather drinks them, she will get sleepy, and Senator Ted will be happy.

If she doesn't drink them, Senator Ted will drink all of them plus ten more.

And then he'll waddle out on to the floor of the Senate.

Without his pants.

See Senator Ted's genitals.

They're funny.

But they are powerful. O!, the power contained therein.

See Charles Schumer react in horror as Senator Ted tries to rub up on him with his funny, powerful genitals.

Senator Ted has mistaken Charles Schumer for 1960's bombshell actres Gina Lollobrigida.

He thinks she has nice cookies.

See Senator Ted introduce a nonbinding resolution to the Senate, expressing the American public's confidence in, and support of, "My Junk."

See Senate security escorting Senator Ted back to his office. And locking the door from the outside.

Thanks to Skinbad.

It's Old: Dave got here first, and suggests some further titles in the series.

As does Florida Cracker.

Gina... Here, if you don't know who she is.

posted by Ace at 11:47 AM

Comments

Damn you, Ace of Spades.

Damn you.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 11:51 AM

Portuguese Water Dog, Splash

wow. you cant make this stuff up...next up, a book on learning to swim and driving saftey

Posted by: brak on January 9, 2006 11:53 AM

Considering Senator Ted's gut, he hasn't seen his genitals in years.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 11:53 AM

While we're on books, please read PJ O'Rourke's review of Dog Days (i.e., Wonkette on Dead Tree). High-larious.

Posted by: El Ricko on January 9, 2006 12:03 PM

Awww, Ace. You're all right.

I'll be kind and let the NSA know that.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 12:16 PM

Mine are here.

Posted by: Donnah on January 9, 2006 12:23 PM

Funniest post I've ever seen on Ace.

Jason

Posted by: Jason on January 9, 2006 12:24 PM

Jason,

This is nothing. Nothing. I urge you to search this site using the keywords "duck prostitute." The second hit (the one referencing Josh Marshall) is the one you're looking for.

Posted by: Pompous on January 9, 2006 12:37 PM

Splash recounts an exciting tale of attempting to rescue a young campaign worker from the icy waters off Cape Cod...

Posted by: Ralphie on January 9, 2006 12:41 PM

Jason: Certainly the funniest for a while, but not "the" funniest. Search for "The Ace of Spades HQ Sex Blog". You can thank me later.

Posted by: madne0 on January 9, 2006 12:41 PM

Splash tells an amusing anecdote about cracked ice, a glass of scotch, and how he got his name...

Posted by: Ralphie on January 9, 2006 12:43 PM

Where does Abramhoff fit into this story. Is he the 800lb Rwandan gorilla who bangs Splash in the poop chute, or is he a Bengal Tiger who spits Splash back up because he mistakes him for a hairball? If it's a story about how laws get made then he damn sure needs to be there.

I'm guessing that Mary Jo Kopechne is in the story as.......a bathtub stopper?

Posted by: Sticky B on January 9, 2006 12:45 PM

I interned for the Joint Economic Committee years ago. While I was in DC, I stayed in an apartment complex that catered specifically to interns. One of girls I road the bus with told me that she'd only been in town for a couple of days when she got stuck on an Senate building elevator with Teddie ogling her for the entire ride.

She was a Democrat.

Posted by: The Warden on January 9, 2006 12:56 PM

This fucking guy's dog isn't really named Splash, is it? Splash? Holy crap. What's his cat's name, Gin Blossom? Stoli?

Posted by: UGAdawg on January 9, 2006 01:02 PM

What I wonder is if it'll end up on a bookseller's shelf next to 'Tookie's Tomes'.

Posted by: Bill H on January 9, 2006 01:54 PM

Is his dog named Splash in loving memory?

Posted by: on January 9, 2006 02:18 PM

Ted Kennedy could make Dr Doom or SYNDROM look pleasentso why is he trying to write a kids book? isnt it enough he was at a preschool a few years ago doing TEENSIE WEENISIE SPIDER with some kids

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 9, 2006 03:15 PM

Does anyone else get the feeling that spurwing's comments are like the Patch for LSD addicts?

Posted by: Pompous on January 9, 2006 03:28 PM

I just got a contact high.

Posted by: Sortelli on January 9, 2006 04:01 PM

Im not of dope becuase its for dopes

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 10, 2006 09:38 PM

OMG. Did Spurwing just respond to a post?

Posted by: Sortelli on January 10, 2006 09:46 PM

Spurwing has feelings, too, you know.

Spur likes to return to threads in which he has commented. I am impressed at how he can keep track of such things.

Let's be quiet and observe more actions. This is fascinating.

Posted by: Bart on January 10, 2006 09:50 PM

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Top Headlines

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

Hamas is Humiliating Trump's 'Board of Peace'
[Hat Tip: TC] [CBD]

Tucker Carlson is pretty sure Trump is a wizard

Ted Turner Dies At 87 [CBD]

Podcast: Starting a new season, CBD and Sefton discuss their personal journeys to conservative principles, is Nick Shirley the beginning of a trend?, Iran trying to reignite the war, the Left attacks itself, even on "Best Guitarist" lists, and more!

TJM definitively ranks the films of Billy Wilder, like Some Like It Hot

TJM talks about Billy Wilder

Democrat Congresswoman Sara Jacobs cites Me-Again Kelly, Cavernous Nostrils, Alex Jones and Tuq'r Qarlson as proof that concerns about Trump's mental health are "bipartisan"
As Bonchie from Red State says: Know the op when you see it.

Leftists who have been drawing Frankendistricts for decades are suddenly upset about Republican line-drawing
Socialist usurper Obama cut commercials urging Virginians to vote for the bizarre "lobster" gerrymander -- but now says gerrymanders are so racist you guys
Obama is complaining about the new Louisiana map -- but here's the thing, the new map has much more compact and rational borders than the old racial gerrymander map
Pete Bootyjudge is whining too. But here's the Illinois gerrymander he supports.

Big Bonus! Under the new Florida congressional map, Debbie Wasserman Schultz will probably lose her seat
And she can't even go on The View because she's ugly a clump of stranger's hair in the bath-drain