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January 09, 2006

Senator Ted Kennedy To Write (Ahem) Children's book.

Maybe he could team up with Madonna and write the most terrifying children's book ever:

Meet the latest children's author, Sen. Ted Kennedy, and his Portuguese Water Dog, Splash, his co-protagonist in "My Senator and Me: A Dogs-Eye View of Washington, D.C." Scholastic Inc. will release the book in May.
"I am very excited about the opportunity to create a book for young readers and their families that will deepen their understanding of how our American government works," Kennedy said in a statement Monday issued by Scholastic.

According to Scholastic, Kennedy's book "not only takes readers through a full day in the Senator's life, but also explains how a bill becomes a law." Kennedy, a Massachusetts Democrat, was inspired to write the book from his work with a Washington-based reading program, "Everybody Wins!"

See Heather.

Heather is an intern.

See Heather's skirt.

Notice how her skirt so closely traces the silhouette of her supple, coltish buttocks?

Heather wears that skirt for Senator Ted.

She wants it.

Don't ask what "it" means. Your Mommy or Daddy will explain that to you some other time.

Just accept: She wants "it," whatever that might mean.

No, not cookies.

Something even better than cookies.

Let's just move on.

See the desk.

See the top drawer of the desk.

See Ted opening the top drawer of the desk and then mixing his "magic elixir."

He calls this "magic elixir" a "Chivas Royal."

He'll offer one or eight of these magic elixirs to Heather.

If Heather drinks them, she will get sleepy, and Senator Ted will be happy.

If she doesn't drink them, Senator Ted will drink all of them plus ten more.

And then he'll waddle out on to the floor of the Senate.

Without his pants.

See Senator Ted's genitals.

They're funny.

But they are powerful. O!, the power contained therein.

See Charles Schumer react in horror as Senator Ted tries to rub up on him with his funny, powerful genitals.

Senator Ted has mistaken Charles Schumer for 1960's bombshell actres Gina Lollobrigida.

He thinks she has nice cookies.

See Senator Ted introduce a nonbinding resolution to the Senate, expressing the American public's confidence in, and support of, "My Junk."

See Senate security escorting Senator Ted back to his office. And locking the door from the outside.

Thanks to Skinbad.

It's Old: Dave got here first, and suggests some further titles in the series.

As does Florida Cracker.

Gina... Here, if you don't know who she is.

posted by Ace at 11:47 AM

Comments

Damn you, Ace of Spades.

Damn you.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 11:51 AM

Portuguese Water Dog, Splash

wow. you cant make this stuff up...next up, a book on learning to swim and driving saftey

Posted by: brak on January 9, 2006 11:53 AM

Considering Senator Ted's gut, he hasn't seen his genitals in years.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 11:53 AM

While we're on books, please read PJ O'Rourke's review of Dog Days (i.e., Wonkette on Dead Tree). High-larious.

Posted by: El Ricko on January 9, 2006 12:03 PM

Awww, Ace. You're all right.

I'll be kind and let the NSA know that.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 9, 2006 12:16 PM

Mine are here.

Posted by: Donnah on January 9, 2006 12:23 PM

Funniest post I've ever seen on Ace.

Jason

Posted by: Jason on January 9, 2006 12:24 PM

Jason,

This is nothing. Nothing. I urge you to search this site using the keywords "duck prostitute." The second hit (the one referencing Josh Marshall) is the one you're looking for.

Posted by: Pompous on January 9, 2006 12:37 PM

Splash recounts an exciting tale of attempting to rescue a young campaign worker from the icy waters off Cape Cod...

Posted by: Ralphie on January 9, 2006 12:41 PM

Jason: Certainly the funniest for a while, but not "the" funniest. Search for "The Ace of Spades HQ Sex Blog". You can thank me later.

Posted by: madne0 on January 9, 2006 12:41 PM

Splash tells an amusing anecdote about cracked ice, a glass of scotch, and how he got his name...

Posted by: Ralphie on January 9, 2006 12:43 PM

Where does Abramhoff fit into this story. Is he the 800lb Rwandan gorilla who bangs Splash in the poop chute, or is he a Bengal Tiger who spits Splash back up because he mistakes him for a hairball? If it's a story about how laws get made then he damn sure needs to be there.

I'm guessing that Mary Jo Kopechne is in the story as.......a bathtub stopper?

Posted by: Sticky B on January 9, 2006 12:45 PM

I interned for the Joint Economic Committee years ago. While I was in DC, I stayed in an apartment complex that catered specifically to interns. One of girls I road the bus with told me that she'd only been in town for a couple of days when she got stuck on an Senate building elevator with Teddie ogling her for the entire ride.

She was a Democrat.

Posted by: The Warden on January 9, 2006 12:56 PM

This fucking guy's dog isn't really named Splash, is it? Splash? Holy crap. What's his cat's name, Gin Blossom? Stoli?

Posted by: UGAdawg on January 9, 2006 01:02 PM

What I wonder is if it'll end up on a bookseller's shelf next to 'Tookie's Tomes'.

Posted by: Bill H on January 9, 2006 01:54 PM

Is his dog named Splash in loving memory?

Posted by: on January 9, 2006 02:18 PM

Ted Kennedy could make Dr Doom or SYNDROM look pleasentso why is he trying to write a kids book? isnt it enough he was at a preschool a few years ago doing TEENSIE WEENISIE SPIDER with some kids

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 9, 2006 03:15 PM

Does anyone else get the feeling that spurwing's comments are like the Patch for LSD addicts?

Posted by: Pompous on January 9, 2006 03:28 PM

I just got a contact high.

Posted by: Sortelli on January 9, 2006 04:01 PM

Im not of dope becuase its for dopes

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 10, 2006 09:38 PM

OMG. Did Spurwing just respond to a post?

Posted by: Sortelli on January 10, 2006 09:46 PM

Spurwing has feelings, too, you know.

Spur likes to return to threads in which he has commented. I am impressed at how he can keep track of such things.

Let's be quiet and observe more actions. This is fascinating.

Posted by: Bart on January 10, 2006 09:50 PM

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