While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana whorehouse, Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom.

The bodycount was fourteen Mexican whores and one cougar.

In Tijuana, they refer to this as "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man."

Dick Cheney refers to it as "last Thursday."

Posted by: ace on December 1, 2005 08:22 PM

Dick Cheney's only weakness is love.

Posted by: Pompous

The only thing hard enough to cut Dick Cheney is Dick Cheney.

Posted by: Sobek

So Dick Cheney walks into this talent agent's office and says "I've got a great act." The agent hesitates; he's having a busy day, and he's already got a bunch of other acts booked. "Trust me," says Cheney. "You don't have one like this."
The agent gives in. "You've got five minutes," he tells him.
Cheney sits down, and takes out a glossy photo of Martina Navaratilova and a bottle of 80-proof irish whiskey. He holds the picture in one hand, and with the other he pours whiskey down his pants and starts furiously masturbating. As the agent sits there in terror, he scowls and begins grunting unintelligibly at the photo. "Ugh, ugh," he's grunting. "Ugh, ugh, ugh, UGH!!!" Sweat beads form on his forehead, and the agent, now completely paralyzed with fear, has no choice but to continue watching even though he knows that he's now most likely going to Hell just for witnessing this. The temperature in the room is now noticably warmer, and Cheney's still sitting there, pounding away with one hand while the other clenches the photo like it's trying to strangle it. He bends over, picks up the whiskey bottle with his mouth, and proceeds to down the rest of it. He spits it out at the agent, and when it hits his stomach he involuntarily vomits all over the floor, his desk, and himself. So now the room is reeking of vomit and whiskey, plus the acrid smell of burning tires that comes from the smoke rising off of Cheney's crotch as he continues glaring at Martina and savagely beating the hell out of his penis. "Fifteen-love!" he shrieks. "Thirty-love! Forty-love! And...and...and...oh holy fuckin' shit...GAME!!!!!" he screams, and as he climaxes there's an explosion--the walls explode outward, the ceiling collapses, and the agent is shot backward out of his chair and knocked senseless on the floor. Cheney slumps back in his chair. "I knew it was possible," he says.
The agent comes to a few minutes later as Cheney is zipping his fly back up and smoking a postcoital cigar. "Jesus H. Christ!" he says. "That's some act! What do you call it?" Cheney just leans back, blows a smoke ring, and says: "The Aristocrats."

posted by Andrew

Dogs are afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Vacuum cleaners are afraid of Dick Cheney.

Posted by ace at December
----------------------------------------

That made me laugh, for reasons unknown and better left unexplored.

incidentally, there doesn't have to be a 'best' one - just 20-30 (or more) funny ones.

Dick Cheney once taught a class on international relations at Johns Hopkins. The lectures consisted of Cheney leading a leashed mastiff up to the podium, and then sodomizing it for ninety minutes straight. Students swear they heard it say "Thank you."

Posted by Andrew

Dick Cheney takes candy from babies, then later gives it to diabetic babies.

Posted by Dr. Reo Symes

A Three-fer:

* When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

* Bathes every night in the warm, viscous plasma of freshly killed Iraqi insurgents to keep his skin soft.

* Ted Kennedy is afraid to drive with him.

Posted By The Colossus

That Symes one is brilliant.

Sorry. that first one was me. Damn preview screen.

For some reason, that one made me laugh until tears were in my eyes.

After turning down an offer from Mafia Don, Cheney woke up with a horse head in his bed. He grabbed it, held it like a teddy bear, and went back to sleep.

Posted by: Dee Da Go on December 1, 2005 07:52 PM

One winter a little boy asked "Mr. Chainy" if he could shovel his walk. Angered at the common mispronunciation of his name, Dick Cheney backed his SUV repeatedly over the little boy's hands. That little boy grew up to be Ted Rall.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos

Dick Cheney's iPod contains only "The Fuck Shop" by 2 Live Crew, set on "repeat."

Posted by Andrew

5. The temperature in any room he enters mysteriously drops by 10 degrees.

Posted by: Colossus

It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.

Posted by: Andrew

Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers.

Posted by: VRWC Agent

First, Michael, you gotta have categories. And some of these deserve their own category.

On to the nominations:

Pacemaker: Vertex magneto from "Big Daddy" Don Garlits' Swamp Rat III top fueler.
--IowaHawk (andI am jealous - I worked all day yesterday to come up with the appropriate pacemaker)

Under Americans With Disabilities Act, Halliburton forced to install 2-story urinals in executive washroom to accommodate "Dick Jr."
--Iowahawk

Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers.
--VRWC

Dick Cheney once sodomized Sigmund Freud for being "so goddamned European." For the rest of his life, everything that Freud looked at reminded him of Dick Cheney's penis
--Utron (brilliant)

Global warming is because Dick Cheney has got a fever and the only presecription is more cow bell.
--Kronos (only good because it's got the elements)

Dick Cheney calls each and every member of the Washington press corps a "cocksucker," but does not do so because of any personal animus--the man just knows.
--Sean M (brilliant)

Contrary to conventional wisdom, Dick Cheney actually has the bleeding heart of a liberal...He keeps it in a jar under his desk.
--Eric H

The Israelis invented reactive tank armor after stealing blueprints of Lynne Cheney's birth control diaphragm.
--Sue Dohnim (and I want to make a Cheney joke about done 'im, but I don't have the guts)

In most places where West Texas Intermediate (WTI) crude oil is pumped and sold, it is actually referred to by its more common name, "light, sweet Cheney."
--M

One winter a little boy asked "Mr. Chainy" if he could shovel his walk. Angered at the common mispronunciation of his name, Dick Cheney backed his SUV repeatedly over the little boy's hands. That little boy grew up to be Ted Rall.
--Kronos (This should be in its own category)

For the past 32 years during his family's Christmas dinner Dick Cheney has carved and served the turkey pardoned by the President at Thanksgiving .
--BumperStickerist

Dick Cheney communicates only in 1337-speak
--Alex_fs (This is in the geeked category)

Dick Cheney refuses to obey the First Law of Thermodynamics on principle.
--Alex_fs (Again, the geeked category, but really good)

After sex, don't count on Dick Cheney to cuddle. Unless by "cuddle" you mean 'bury your corpse.'
--Reo Symes (The Doctor finally got one)

And these are only after I stopped last night ...

Hah, that was a great one.

He had sex with a horse once, it died of internal injuries.

Posted by scott at December 1, 2005 05:35 PM

Cheney's birth weight was 12 pounds 7 ounces, but had to be revised to 6 pounds 11 ounces after circumcision.

Posted by Sue Dohnim at December 1, 2005 04:43 PM

Gotta Gotta Gotta do the categories.

Dick Cheney deliberately piloted the Titanic into an iceberg because someone cheated him at high-stakes shuffleboard.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 06:01 PM

I'll make it a contest if I don't have to judge the thing!
Posted by ACE at December 1, 2005 06:07 PM
(In hindsight, a truly funny post)

After a couple of brewskis, Dick Cheney does a wicked karaoke of Dolly Parton's "Love is like a Butterfly".
Posted by See-Dubya at December 1, 2005 06:11 PM

Cheney will solve the deficit problem in due time because he, and only he, knows how to divide by zero. In the meantime, he just enjoys watching everybody sweat.
Posted by utron at December 1, 2005 06:13 PM
(geeked category)

Dick Cheney carries a leather bag filled with one tooth from the mouth of every man he's murdered in cold blood.
The bag is forty feet in diameter and weighs approximately six tons.
When Harry Reid pisses him off, he just points to his Big Bag O' Teeth and mouths out the words, "There's still room."
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 06:19 PM
(brilliant)

I'm honored, Ace. I accept.
Posted by Michael at December 1, 2005 06:22 PM
(On second thought, THIS is the funniest post)

Dick Cheney considers the law of gravity to be more of a guideline.
Posted by Andrew at December 1, 2005 06:31 PM
(I'm finding the geeked stuff pretty funny)

Cheney once killed and ate a congressman in front of a visiting troop of girl scouts, as part of his demonstration of "how a bill becomes law."
Posted by utron at December 1, 2005 06:34 PM

Dick Cheney's penis has a strange birthmark which, curiously enough, consists of the entire text of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness.
"Kill them all" is written on the base of his glans, "The horror, the horror" on the tip.
Marlon Brando shaved his head to play Col. Kurtz in order to resemble Dick Cheney's penis. That's also why he gained 400 pounds.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 06:38 PM
(This is the only penis joke that will make my list - brilliant, in the way that only DC's penis can be)

Dick Cheney periodically goads Germany to invade Poland to prevent Europe from "going all sissy".
Posted by Inside Jokes In a Time of Running Jokes at December 1, 2005 07:09 PM

Ants have the proportional strength of Dick Cheney.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 07:12 PM
(This is Letterman material)

Dick Cheney blocked the filming of The Lord of the Rings for forty years, because he deemed Elves "too fucking faggy." Production could only begin once he was busy running for the Vice Presidency.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 07:33 PM
(This one is good until you get to the second sentence)

Dich Cheney's measured, elegant speaking style belies the fact that he opens all Senate sessions with "Listen up, motherfuckers.", and then throws a gavel at Barbara Boxer.
Posted by UGAdawg at December 1, 2005 07:33 PM
(Brilliant)

Dick Cheney invented the Worldwide Communist Conspiracy on a bar-bet.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 07:34 PM

Dick Cheney refuses to carry paper currency, considering it to be artificial and valueless. Instead, everywhere he goes he carries a thirty-pound bar of solid platinum, which he uses to bash in the heads of merchants until they are thoroughly dead, and then he just takes all their shit.
He says he's just doing what he can "to help rebuild the American economy," and no one wants to argue the point with him.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 07:59 PM
(This was great because it could have set up so many other ... errrm ... jokes)

Dick Cheney's freezer contains nothing but pizza rolls and human eyeballs.
Posted by Alex_fs at December 1, 2005 08:09 PM
(Alex had too much time on his hands)

Dick Cheney won the first season of Survivor by eating the other contestants and camera crew. CBS is too scared to air the footage.
Posted by Dale at December 1, 2005 08:17 PM

As CEO of Halliburton, executives from rival megacorporations would attempt to kill or capture Cheney to ransom him for Halliburton stocks. Cheney survived all 273 such attacks, his Wyoming ranch uses their skulls to mark his territory.
Posted by joeindc44 at December 1, 2005 08:22 PM

In 1975 he singed all the hair off his balls in an attempt to show up that pussy G. Gorden Liddy.
Posted by Tony B at December 1, 2005 08:49 PM

Dick Cheney keeps a list of his enemies by tattooing their names on his cock. The first name on that list: “Maurice Gibb.” The list grows longer every day.
Posted by The Comish (sic) at December 1, 2005 09:31 PM
(genius)

Pablo Picasso once paid for a $1200 meal by taking a simple napkin and signing it "Dick Cheney."
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 10:10 PM

Dick Cheney killed the dinosaurs. One at a time.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 11:27 PM

His snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the fuck off."

Posted by skinbad at December 1, 2005 05:16 PM

I laugh out loud every time I read that!

Thanks man.

The entire Star Trek franchise was born when Dick Cheney demanded NBC put on a series in which females wore skirts so short "you could almost smell their pooters."

Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 06:32 PM

In a bow to conservationsists, Dick Cheney converted his SUV. It now runs on orphans. And puppies. And orphan puppies.

Also, it gets 1 mpg city, 3 freeway.

And he never leaves the city.

Posted by Dr. Reo Symes

Dick Cheney's favorite snack?

Souls.
Posted by Edward R. Murrow at December 1, 2005 07:40 PM

____

Truth be told, no one has ever died due to auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Dick Cheney just doesn't like jerk-offs.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 11:35 PM

____

When Dick Cheney has a heart attack, no one in DC dies for the next 24 hours. Death is back home in the ninth ward pissing himself.
Posted by Dex in TX at December 2, 2005 12:09 AM

____

Can Dick Cheney create a rock too big for Dick Cheney to push?

Yes. Yes, he can. punk.
Posted by S. Weasel at December 2, 2005 08:16 AM

_____

Death didn't take a holiday. Dick Cheney had him shipped off to a secret prison in Bulgaria and had him waterboarded.

Posted by BumperStickerist at December 2, 2005 08:31 AM

_____

For the past 32 years during his family's Christmas dinner Dick Cheney has carved and served the turkey pardoned by the President at Thanksgiving .

Posted by BumperStickerist at December 2, 2005 08:58 AM

_____

Cheney refuses to wait for his heart to attack him . . . has spent years planning a pre-emptive strike.

Posted by Bad Dude at December 2, 2005 11:25 AM

_____

Lesbian daughter: side effect of superconcentrated he-man baby batter.

Posted by iowahawk at December 2, 2005 11:39 AM

_____

Doctors turn their head when Dick Cheney coughs.

Posted by BumperStickerist at December 2, 2005 12:26 PM

_____

Saved the Ghostbusters from certain destruction by telling them to cross the streams. Coincidentally, the only way to harm Dick Cheney is by crossing the streams.

Posted by Sobek at December 1, 2005 05:09 PM

Dick Cheney's Miata has a bumper sticker that reads 'I heart Evil."

Posted by Dr. Reo Symes at December 1, 2005 06:41 PM

Dick Cheney was once kicked out of a theater for interrupting the movie "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer." He kept shouting "you fucking amateur!" at the screen and throwing popcorn.

Posted by: Edward R. Murrow

Fav so far:

"Little known fact: immediately after the 2004 Vice-Presidential debate, Cheney dislodged his lower jaw and swallowed Senator Edwards whole."

by Jeff B.

Awesome. Like a fucking python.

Wait, even better:

"Dick Cheney takes candy from babies, then later gives it to diabetic babies."

by Dr. Reo Symes

Damn, that last one was already posted. Well, that's the winner.

" Dick Cheney likes the Special Olympics for all the wrong reasons."

I can't tell you how hard I laughed at that one...

Though a mere mortal with health concerns, a gentleman with above average intelligence, a strong liberal academic education, a nice family, and a career largely devoted to government work, coupled with a steadfast, public refusal to ever consider running for President, Dick Cheney has somehow stirred huge segments of the population to buy into a variety of caricatured images of him as a right-wing, power-mongering, corporate sell-out, evil-doing, war-mongering Darth Vader-style monster, the latest manifestation of which is a message blog aswirl with ascriptions regarding his … sexual prowess?

Whoa! What is it with this guy?

It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.

Posted by: Andrew

---------------

That was superb.

Dick Cheney sneaks into the break room at the Old Executive Office and eats any muffin left in the fidge there.

Later, he 'finds' the wrapper in the wastebasket near the temp.

He's done it so often, it's like he doesn't even care that no one's fooled anymore.

Posted by Dr. Reo Symes at December 1, 2005 06:24 PM

Most people don't know Cheney has a soft side. One time he executed a waiter at a resturant with a steak knife (the waiter was late coming with Dick's steak sauce). Saddened by what he had done, Cheney wept openly for a full minute. Then he cut out the waiter's heart and ate it, tears running down his cheeks.

Posted by: Scooter L.

Dick Cheney is absolutely certain that the movie "Easy Rider" has a happy ending.

Posted by Bravo Romeo Delta at December 1, 2005 06:19 PM

Hands down the Cougar condom one, but this one was almost as good

Dick Cheney once killed a man with a paper clip.

It took him three years, but eventually the man succumed to his wounds.

He's patient and evil, like a crocodile armed with a paper clip.

Ace

Eighteen million years ago, Dick Cheney fucked a spotted prehistoric gazelle up the ass on a dare, creating the species we now know as "giraffes," which derives from a Bantu word meaning "Christ, I can feel that in my fucking tonsils."

Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 05:07 PM

Your all a bunch of funny fucks.

In quatrain X 75, Nostradamus wrote

A horse-like man, the king he’ll rule
to take black gold in eastern soil
A name of chayne, fooler of fools
Anti-Christ to hats of foyle

Posted by: Uncle Jefe on December 1, 2005 06:50 PM

From the new thread:

Krishna recently approved Dick Cheney as one of his new avatars, right alongside of Brahma, Shiva and Vishnu. His formal title is still being decided in committee, but is something along the lines of "Being Of A Million Transcendant Joys".

"He once knocked a chick up by sneezing on her car keys."

-posted by ace

Brilliant, fairly subtle and I'm still shivering from reading it:

To this day, John Edwards often wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, terrified that the last thing he's going to hear before he dies is the words "Let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much."

Posted by sandy burger at December 2, 2005 03:03 PM

Toughest part of George Bush's job - convincing Cheney to give better justification in meetings with foreign dignitaries than "Because that's just the fuckin' way I want it."
--Posted by: Dee Da Go

It's not nice to try and fool Mother Nature - it's suicide to try and fool Dick Cheney.
--Posted by: BumperStickerist

As a youth, angrily denounced Pol Pot for "just phoning it in, sometimes."
--Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes

Dich Cheney's measured, elegant speaking style belies the fact that he opens all Senate sessions with "Listen up, motherfuckers.", and then throws a gavel at Barbara Boxer.
--Posted by UGAdawg (this one had me in tears)

Cheney invaded Russia in the winter and won.
-- Sue Dohnim

Cheney killed the dinosaurs, because that's how you make oil.
-- Sue Dohnim

Insisted as child that he be called Dick instead of Richard just so the class bullies would pick on him.
-- JackStraw

Dick Cheney is so mean he once killed every man, woman and child associated with a web hosting company. When asked why, he said there were too many internal errors whenever he tried to comment.
-- Dick Cheney's Package

He once knocked a girl up just by sneezing on her car-keys.
-- ace

Cheney says that Ace's stuff stays. Because he fuckin' wants it that way.
--Dee Da Go

Taught Charlie to surf, just to piss off Lt Col Kilgore.
-- Jim in Chicago

General Zod kneels before Dick Cheney.
-- Critical Matt

Cheney never apologized to Michael Hutchins for being such a poor spotter.

Posted by Crossbuck at December 2, 2005 02:06 PM

When it snows in Washington, Dick Cheney doesn't put chains on his tires, but instead uses hippies.

Posted by See-Dubya

I giggle like a school girl with her first crush every time I read this.

When Dick Cheney shaves in the morning he has to hold a loaded .44 to his head to keep from cutting his own throat.

Posted by rls at December 2, 2005 03:06 PM

and

He once knocked a girl up just by sneezing on her car-keys.
-- ace

Awsome! Very funny

Saw a garden, overrun with weeds. I said, not me.
Through Spring I smothered and plucked them.
In Summer my garden was blooming brilliant.
But in the slumberous warmth the weeds got ahead of me.
Have I got the will, in this heat? Oh, let them go to seed
And sleep with me under the snow
Chancing some Spring awakening!
And also chancing a serious dicking by Dick Cheney.

Posted by LauraW. at December 2, 2005 02:21 PM

Awwww fuck Ace! That's one of those where you say, "I wish I'd thought of that!!" Well done!

Hey CS, the new stuff goes over here.

Somehow I don't think we could milk Vinny Falcone for this many laughs. Excellent choice.

Nominated:

75% of satellites are actually cretins with luminous watches that Dick Cheney has cock-punched into space.

Posted by rho

Cheney's favorite pick-up gambit in the Senate:

DC: Babs, do you know why you have one more brain cell than a cow?

BB: Huh?

DC: So when I squeeze your tits, you won't shit on my shoes. Let's eat.
Posted by ArmChair in sin at December 2, 2005 04:30 PM
BEST ONE EVER

Sorry, I nominated the one by ArmChair in Sin. Laughing too hard to enter my damn name

At one point, Cheney considered diversifying his oil interests. He abandoned the idea after learning that baby oil wasn't actually made from babies.

Posted by utron at December 2, 2005 04:38 PM

Just incredible!

Dick Cheney is so hard, he has a vestigal immune system.

--by CS

That is fucking brilliant.

Dancing around the maypole is actually an ancient pagan ritual to appease Dick Cheney's angry cock.

by Jimmie

Dick Cheney's surgeries don't require bandages, because Dick Cheney doesn't have time to bleed.

By Dave from Garfield Ridge

Also, I'd like to thank Dave for making a joke about snapping Christopher Reeve's spine, because I was a little worried that I had gone too far when I did one about snapping his spine, yesterday. If I'm gonna burn in bad-taste hell, at least Dave will be there with me.

Yes, I'm reading with several categories in mind, as well as an overall winner and maybe a couple of runners up.

This is really going to be hard.

Awww, dammit Sobek, I'm sorry-- I missed yours. Totally came by that one on my own, which means great minds think alike.

And so do ours.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Condi Rice, wasn't "born," per se - she actually sprung fully formed from Dick Cheney's forehead.

Posted by Rocketeer67

brilliance, right there

You know, I hope Ace isn't sitting there with a smug look on his face, in a Valu-Rite/Klonopin haze, staring at his monitor and reading these comments thinking that he's 'all that'.
However,

While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana whorehouse, Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom.

The bodycount was fourteen Mexican whores and one cougar.

In Tijuana, they refer to this as "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man."

Dick Cheney refers to it as "last Thursday."

This is priceless.

He also ate half the Redwood Forest and crapped Noah's Ark, animals included.

by compos mentis

When he proposed to his high school sweetheart, he ate a lump of coal and shit out a 20 carat diamond.

His sweetheart rejected the diamond, as it came from his ass, so he ate her and shit out Lynne Cheney.

They've lived happily together ever since.

Posted by ace

"Dick Cheney has single-handedly set back the civil rights movement 30 years.

And in a recent speech he said, 'We can do better.'"

--posted by ace

I don't care what the rules are. This wins, hands down.

To this day, John Edwards often wakes up screaming in the middle of the night, terrified that the last thing he's going to hear before he dies is the words "Let me simply thank the senator for the kind words he said about my family and our daughter. I appreciate that very much."

I love that one - I was in the car when I heard Cheey say it originally, and my blood froze ... and I'm a big fan of his! We NEED politicians who do not suffer fools gladly.

After the disaster of hurricane Katrins, Dick Cheney offered to use his cock to block the enormous hole in the 17th street levy until the city of New Orleans could be pumped dry. The army corps of engineers considered this helpfull offer but later declined, when they determined from advanced computer models that the incredible size of Mr. Cheney's cock would displace so much water from Lake Ponchatrain, that is would cause the flooding to spread to other areas.... the Rocky mountains to be exact.

Posted by Marty at December 2, 2005 04:22 PM

The Rocky Mountains... LOL

I love the mastiff one, and the cougar one, and the crocodile with a paper clip. And “drops by ten degrees”, “Diabetic babies”, Gallagher, and the nostradamus quatrain. Here are some I think were overlooked and ought to be considered:

Dick Cheney won't come into your home unless you invite him in.
Because he's really polite.
Posted by: lauraw
___
Dick Cheney made the President and CEO of Lockheed Martin piss his pants at a demonstration flight of the F-22 by saying "this better rock, bitch".
Posted by: Dave in Texas
___
Dick Cheney has repeatedly pressed for Congressional resolutions banning torture, because it's not as fun if it's legal.
Posted by: Sobek on December 1, 2005 05:50 PM
___
Dick Cheney lost his virginity at the age of 12 when he chased down and fucked an elk in Wyoming. Unfortunately, it was a bull, and it died of a perforated colon. Cheney still laughs uncontrollably when he tells this story at parties.
Posted by: Michael on December 1, 2005 06:01 PM
(Funny how the third sentence really makes that one work. )
___
Cheney puts sparkly PowerBait on his dick before swimming in the Amazon. He likes the tingle those urethra fish give him.
Posted by: skinbad
(Sparkly powerbait! Hee hee!)
___
Dick Cheney's shadow has a pH of 0.01.
Posted by: CS
(Odd in a good way.)
___
After turning down an offer from Mafia Don, Cheney woke up with a horse head in his bed. He grabbed it, held it like a teddy bear, and went back to sleep.---Dee Da Go
(That may be my favorite.)
____
When Dick Cheney has a heart attack, no one in DC dies for the next 24 hours. Death is back home in the ninth ward pissing himself.
Posted by: Dex in TX
_____
John Bolton used to be a transnational progressive, until one day Dick Cheney sneered at him and said, "Grow a mustache, man!"
Posted by: sandy burger on December 2, 2005 04:20 AM
(Nice! Very Nice! I like this better than the John Wayne rivalry.)
_____
So she can experience a real man, Demi Moore comes to see him the first and third Saturday evenings of each month.
For the same reason, Ashton Kutcher comes on the 2nd and 4th.
Posted by: skinbad
__
2. Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers. AND
5. Dick Cheney eats yellowcake and craps thermobaric warheads. He is technically banned by the Geneva Convention, but nobody has the balls to say so out loud.
--VRWC agent
__
(And one of the newer ones I like:)
Dick Cheney used to write childrens' stories under the pen name "H.P. Lovecraft."
Posted by: Alex_fs

Maybe there should be a category for longer posts. Looking at what makes it up here there seems to be an advantage to the one-liner over the story, but I think there are some decent story-posts out there. Say "post longer than four lines" or something.

I'm jealous of this one:

Dick Cheney survived that South American flight that crash-landed in the Andes, where the survivors had to resort to cannibalism to live.

Although Dick Cheney was praised by the other survivors for his courage, he was also strongly criticized, as he had eaten "all the tasty-looking passengers" during the plane's pre-flight checklist.

-ace

In addition to damn good funny, it stings, as yesterday, I strained to come up with an Andean plane crash, Cheney-eats-the-survivors-joke.

My takes were all lame, involving a rescue team arriving to find Cheney limb in mouth, saying 'Crash?' -somehow that he'd either stumbled onto the sit or such. Another possibility was where the joke was the crash was right next to a town or easy food source implying Cheney prefers to eat corpses. Couldn't make either work and thought the funny just wasn't in there. Trust me, I tried.

Ace comes along and kills, showing the joke was in revealing Cheney ate the passengers before the crash/plane took off. The funny was lying right there the Whole Damn Time.

It's like I was working on a chick all night, Ace walks into the bar, says two words and starts nailing her right there on the bar in front of me.

Fuck you very much.

Dick Cheney is a stern man with genitals well above average size.
Posted by S. Weasel at December 2, 2005 07:40 PM

Remember when all those rethuglicans stood outside the veeps house in Nov 2000 chanting at Algore: "Get out of Cheney's house"?

Well, Tipper agreed. She told Al to get out. She stayed behind to "finish packing".

Best six months of her life.
She can't walk anymore, but it was worth it.

Posted by Jim in Chicago at December 2, 2005 08:50 PM

This is so wrong, it's probably true:

Dick Cheney was born by C-section, which he himself performed. He scored his first kill after the obstetritian tried to spank him. Then he fucked 3 nurses, causing his first heart attack.

Posted by iowahawk at December 2, 2005 07:21 PM

Dick Cheney shits things that are smarter than Al Gore.

Triple play from Iowahawk:

Q: Does Dick Cheney's stool contain chunks of John Edwards?

A: Dick Cheney does not shit. He has a special internal organ that converts debate opponents directly to cholesterol.

_____

When Cheney agreed to join the secret Zionist neocon cabal, they arranged a bris.

58 hacksaw blades and 2 dead Mohels later, his neocon codename is "He of the Foreskin."

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During a 1962 fraternity road trip Cheney attended a donkey show in a Tijuana nightclub. Today, as the "Shrine of the Weeping Burro," it attracts over 3 million pilgrims annually.

I hate nominating people who are so much funnier than I am.

I'm a fan of the change-ups. In fact, at this point, I yearn for any fact that does not include a reference to genetalia (I know, I should talk).

Anyway, this made me giggle:

Dick Cheney likes sandwiches with jelly and peanut butter--chunky... but not so much peanut butter that it overwhelms the jelly. There is a nice balance which he finds sufficiently tasty, preferably on that "7 Grain" wheat bread as well but he isn't too picky.

Not many people realize this about Dick Cheney.

Posted by: Dave S

Not just smiles, full-on chuckles.

Does a giggle count as a chuckle?

While rowing solo across the ocean in 1972, Dick Cheney became stranded on a desert island in the South Pacific for three years. Until he was rescued he had no other nutritional means save his own breast milk. His man-milk only diet caused him to gain 108 pounds.

Dick Cheney's house is built entirely from bricks crapped out of his pet chihuahua.

Einstein theorized that nothing could go faster than the speed of light, which was constant. However, scientists have recently learned that light travels even faster ... when it's running from Dick Cheney.
Posted by The Comish (sic) at December 3, 2005 04:47 AM

It's like I was working on a chick all night, Ace walks into the bar, says two words and starts nailing her right there on the bar in front of me.

Don't I know it? Many's the time I've felt like Charlie Brown looking at the clouds and saying "I was gonna say I saw a ducky and a horsey but somehow I've changed my mind".

Dick Cheney has been reading these threads and he is greatly pleased...

...but not with everyone.

Posted by Jimmie at December 3, 2005 12:16 PM

ominous, yet non-specific. Me likey.

From the new thread, deserving some love:

Dick Cheney's infamous "undisclosed location"? FUNKYTOWN!
Russ from Winterset

Dick Cheney invented the sport of kitten-stapling, including both the height and span categories.
rho

At some resort in the Poconos, Dick Cheney once announced that "no one puts Baby in the corner!" He then had the whole resort leveled with a barrage of howitzer shells.
Monty

Dick Cheney's surgeries don't require bandages, because Dick Cheney doesn't have time to bleed.
Dave at Garfield Ridge

At one point, Cheney considered diversifying his oil interests. He abandoned the idea after learning that baby oil wasn't actually made from babies.
Posted by utron

As an undergraduate, Dick Cheney's lava lamp had real lava
BumperStickerist

Cheney is in a secure bunker in an undisclosed location. Not for his protection, but for ours.
Posted by sandy burger

The state of Delaware exists to store Dick Cheney's pornos.

Posted by: Andrew

I wish I was funny too, I like my "cheney questions your patriotism," one. Kind of a thinker.

ok, nevermind.

How about :

Can Dick Cheney create a rock too big for Dick Cheney to push?

Yes. Yes, he can. punk.
Posted by S. Weasel at December 2, 2005 08:16 AM

short and sweet.

"Due to your efforts, a wider audience now sees how we roll here."

Help me out: is that a GOOD thing, or a BAD thing?

Reo:

You've got to admit, it's getting increasingly difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff.

But, your nomination of the "no one puts Baby in the corner!" post is certainly worthy of consideration.

Actually, that's a really good one! Hip reference to Dirty Dancing and everthing!

Who was that?

Oh.

Monty.

Who beat me in the Bad Poetry Contest.

Birkenstocks are actually made from Dick Cheney tanned foreskin. The leather supply is expected to run out in 2016.

Dick Cheney shits things that are smarter than Al Gore.

Big deal. So do I!

If you think this format is funny, you might enjoy the LiveJournal community Terrible Truths.

Dick Cheney does like black people!

Dick Cheney once told Senator Patrick Leahy "go fuck yourself" on the floor of the senate. His order was so compelling Senator Leahy went home and immediatedly engaged in the carnal act. The hideous offspring is now Chairman of the DNC.