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November 28, 2005

Google-Whoring Mad Libs

Cinderella

Once upon a time there lived a sad little girl named Tara Reid Nipple Slip. She lived in a great old castle with her Stepmother and her two step-sisters, Terrell Owens and Anna_Kournikova_Bends_Over_To_Tie_Her_Shoes.jpg.

The Prince, who was very Kevin Federlane Is A Worthless Douche-Nozzle, sent out word throughout the land that he intended to marry, and that he would select his bride from all of the Naked Field Hockey Bulldykes In Heat who attended his ball.

But Tara Reid Nipple Slip's wicked Stepmother would not let her attend the Free Penis Enlargement Hypnotherapy. Instead, she made poor Tara Reid Nipple Slip clean all of the chimneys of ash and soot and Jude Law Naked Dick-Pics.

She was cursing her fate when suddenly her fairy godmother appeared, dressed in shimmering Secrets From the New Harry Potter Book. The fairy godmother turned a pumpkin into Tom Sizemore Sex Tapes and her mice into The Hot Russian Fake Lesbians From "Tatu."

Her stepsisters were shocked to see Tara Reid Nipple Slip looking so resplendant at the ball, and the Prince was taken with her as well. But as he was about to propose, Tara Reid Nipple Slip had to rush back to her Paris Hilton Cellphone before midnight, as at that time the magic would be undone and once again she would turn into a plain, poorly dressed Ask Jeeves: Seriously, What's the Skinny on that Richard Gere/Gerbil Story?

She was in such a hurry to leave she left behind one of the shoes her fairy godmother had conjured for her, a beautiful bejeweled Bob Dole's Cock, which, frankly, really should have vanished at midnight along with the rest of the conjured crap, but this is a kid's story, and kids don't sweat massive plot-holes like that, because they're basically just little retards.

Anyway, the Prince searched for the one foot that would fit Bob Dole's Cock, and then found Tara Reid Nipple Slip at Free Metallica Dowloads. He placed Bob Dole's Cock on her Ashley Simpson Lip-Sync Video and found it was a perfect fit.

They soon married, and Tara Reid Nipple Slip was crowned Queen William Shatner Getting a Handjob From George Takei, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except for the wicked stepmother and stepsisters, of course, who wound up living poor and Half-Life 2 Walk-Thru and had to take jobs as College Schoolgirls Sharing Sexy Secrets About Their Dirty Stinky Feet.

posted by Ace at 02:48 PM

Comments

Aw, come on! I spend enough time reading this site already without it popping up as a useless result on every other Google search.

Posted by: Guy T. on November 28, 2005 03:13 PM

why did it have to be cinderella? i'm currently a step sister in a community theater production of rogers and hammerstein's version. we apparently missed a lot of stuff that could liven it up a bit.

Posted by: maggie katzen on November 28, 2005 03:25 PM

I'm guessing that all of the extra traffic you get as a result of this will be the really high-quality type which makes your ad revenues soar.

When you hit the big time, don't forget your roots, man.

Posted by: sandy burger on November 28, 2005 03:32 PM

Ace,

Of course you realize that now you're going to have to tell us how much traffic this drives to the site. Manipulating Google: An Exercise in Sadistic Semiotics -- it's a graduate thesis right there, Ace! Your Ph.D. is just around the corner!

Posted by: Monty on November 28, 2005 03:32 PM

I ain't an English teacher or nothin' but I get this gut feeling that there's some problems with phrases not flowing together smoothly and shit. Can't put my finger on it, but it seems like maybe a rewrite would make it flow a little straighter or something.

Posted by: Sticky B on November 28, 2005 03:40 PM

See, Josie and the Pussycats *is* underrated.

Posted by: someone on November 28, 2005 03:43 PM

Ace, is it just me, or is this posting missing Vicodin and Viagra?

Also, I dunno if it happens to mu.nu, but for me, ever time I post on those subjects, inevitably those postings draw the most comment spam. So, with this posting of yours, you may have just doomed yourself.

DOOMED, I tell you!

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on November 28, 2005 03:44 PM

I sense a contest here.

I think I'll cut and paste Ace's piece, but with different google search phrases and see which one gets the most random hits.

Yes..I am bored today...

Posted by: Jack M. on November 28, 2005 03:46 PM

If only you had included Erotic Thanksgiving Stories Involving Turkey Necks and Special Giblet Gravy Naughty Mrs. Claus Reindeer Gangbang & Elf Bukake. Gotta stay seasonal too man!

Damn you are funny! Good on ya! (as they say somewhere where Sarah Silverman can watch her career go down the toilet in a counter clockwise direction.)

Posted by: compos mentis on November 28, 2005 03:50 PM

William Shatner Getting a Handjob From George Takei

Damn you for making me get little droplets of spittle on my monitor.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim on November 28, 2005 04:16 PM

"Tom Sizemore Sex Tapes"

yes, I believe that was the particular point where mad giggling kicked in.

Posted by: TC@LeatherPenguin on November 28, 2005 06:07 PM

Is the site meter smoking yet?

Posted by: jmon on November 28, 2005 06:53 PM

Google report:

Tara Reid Nipple Slip is 'way, 'way down there somewhere, but Bob Dole's Cock is NUMBER ONE!

Posted by: Whistlepig on November 28, 2005 07:22 PM

Ask Jeeves: Seriously, What's the Skinny on that Richard Gere/Gerbil Story?

LOL!!! I was wondering that very thing only last week.

GREAT stuff!

Posted by: Jenny on November 28, 2005 07:51 PM

Ace: Buddy you've done it this time. Hollywood will surely buy this screenplay idea. Gee it has so many cultural nuances, maybe it will win an oscar nomination. Thank goodness you didn't stick with that old "G" rated version, but came up with a gritty true to life version that reflects today's liberal "it takes a village" family values. You're bound to make a fortune off this.

Posted by: john on November 28, 2005 09:21 PM

College Schoolgirls Sharing Sexy Secrets About Their Dirty Stinky Feet

Eliza Doolittle, ha?
Pygmalion vs Shaw Bernard "Pygmalion"

Posted by: Angelique on November 29, 2005 11:21 AM

Amazon.com Widgets

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Top Headlines

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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