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November 18, 2005

Washington Rocked As Another "Pro-War" Democrat Demands Withdrawal

Defection of Hawkish Dennis Kucinich Signals Shift In Public Sentiment On War

EXCLUSIVE. MUST CREDIT ACE.

W A S H I N G T O N -- Moderate, formerly pro-war ex-Presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich shocked the Bush Administration yesterday by announcing his withdrawal of support for the war -- and his support of a withdrawal.

Washington media was abuzz about the defection. One ABCNews reporter noted that Kucinich has previously made "literally dozens" of speeches in which he showed his strong support for the war by not mentioning at all, choosing instead to rail against Walmart, Bush's tax cuts, or the war in Afghanistan.

Immediately dubbing the Patton-like figure "Bomber" Kucinich, the Washington press corps -- not all of whom have yet been diagnosed as mentally retarded -- speculated as to the ramifications of what they are calling "the Kucinich Moment."

The announcement couldn't come at a worse time for the Bush Administration, as Thurdsday is traditionally the day Washington reporters are allowed out of their assisted-living group homes to engage in "Esteem Activities" and "Adventure Walks," such as travelling to the local Popeye's chicken.

Reporters took a break from painting with watercolors to join the frenzy. A grizzled veteran of the Washington media paused as he sipped from his Juice Box and hinted darkly that it's all over for Bush. He then began screaming "I'm smaaaaaahhht! I'm smaaahhht!" like Fredo in The Godfather Part II until he was sedated with a retard-strength tranq gun.

White House staffers scrambled to contain the damage. Some commentators "questioned the timing" that Bush announced a Very Special T-Ball tournament for the weekend. The White House communications office admitted it had been caught flat-footed and had no idea how to push back against the media firestorm, but that the old methods -- ice cream and balloons -- might not be enough this time.

"If you've lost Dennis Kucinich, you've lost the heartland," one CBS reporter said as he ate a sandwich consisting of turkey, swiss, and a bowling shoe. He then offered his opinion that "Dinosaurs are neat."

posted by Ace at 09:50 AM

Comments

Murtha is the new Sheehan. I've already hit the "start" button on my timer for his 15 minutes of MSM "fame".

Posted by: Fred on November 18, 2005 10:12 AM

Murtha has been calling for withdrawal since June of '04. Whay is it news now? Because "Mother Sheehan" has no creditability with the American people. So, the Democrats, and their allies in the media, trot out John Murtha.

Yes, Murtha is a decorated Marine veteran. Does that make his opinion more valid than mine? After all, I'm a decorated Navy veteran.

Posted by: MCPO Airdale on November 18, 2005 10:13 AM

You shouldn't call the Washington press corp retarded. It's unfair to the retarded people.

Posted by: on November 18, 2005 10:24 AM

I wonder how long it will be before Murtha handcuffs himself to the White House fence?

Posted by: Slublog on November 18, 2005 10:26 AM

Republicans have to start calling what the Democrats want to do by its proper name: Surrender

Posted by: V the K on November 18, 2005 10:29 AM

Oh, damn, that was funny Ace.
Ice cream and balloons. I can't even stand it.

Posted by: lauraw on November 18, 2005 10:45 AM

I am about ready to have a stroke over what Murtha did. Could you use your mighty blog powers and get something going to punish him. I'm thinking nastygrams! Start a contest to devise downloadable
pricks to his pride. I am willing to invest in stamps and envelopes to mail anything your readership devises. Make him a hobby. Bored?, annoy Murtha.My proposal is a phoney check, made out to "Chairman Murtha", which would be his reward for selling out his country, amount- 30 pieces of silver, for- Judas services rendered. If he gets away with what he did without any pain, its all over.

Posted by: hazegray on November 18, 2005 10:47 AM

I know what you mean, hazegray. This one made me want to leap out of my cubicle and make a "WWWAAAAWRRRRRR!!!!" sound. Because this guy ought to know just how wrong and in how many ways what he's asking is. Better than cubicle monkey me.

Posted by: S. Weasel on November 18, 2005 11:06 AM

Thank you Ace,

Another classic Ace in the Hole. I wonder if some foolish reporter from the Philly Inquirer will run with this story like they did with Protein Wisdom's scoop, when he virtual blogged the bloggers gathering.

Keep up the good work.

Posted by: NJRob on November 18, 2005 11:25 AM

Oh come on, as a former Marine he's only following Chesty's dictate "we aren't retreating, we are just attacking in a different direction"

...except without the attacking part

Posted by: monkeyboy on November 18, 2005 11:26 AM

Brilliant! Scrappleface will be after your scalp...

and speaking of retards, will they be played by Rosie O'Donnell in the movie?

Posted by: Allan on November 18, 2005 11:37 AM

Tonight only, a very special Hallmark Gold Crown Movie Event: Riding the Bus with the Washington Press Corps.

Posted by: Sean M. on November 18, 2005 11:57 AM

It gets funnier and funnier. Just heard on the radio that John Kerry says he won't stand for the "swift boating" of Murtha.

Posted by: Border Reiver on November 18, 2005 12:09 PM

Today's NYT editorial page brought to you by: 3M construction paper, Elmer's Glue-All, Mueller's elbow macaroni, and Crayola.

Posted by: Sue Dohnim on November 18, 2005 01:10 PM

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Chris
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Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

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Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.