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« You Don't Have to Be Human | Main | Why Are Such Young Kids Sexually Active Today? »
November 14, 2005

Good News For Republicans

From Iran, of all places.

They are figuring out how to save Beluga Sturgeon from a non-native threat.

(Belugas of course are the source of the caviar that I eat every day. Some people have a smear of them on toast points, but like a good Republican, I pile up a big 'ol caviar Sloppy Joe on a kaiser roll. But why am I telling you? You know. We all get the newsletter.)

The threat is the mnemiopsis jellyfish, which depletes the plankton that the sturgeon feed upon:

A recent study found an average of 37 mnemiopses in every square metre of water in the southern Caspian, he said. The plague has affected millions of people in fishing communities in the five countries that surround the sea -- Azerbaijan, Iran, Turkmenistan, Kazakhstan and Russia.

But now Iran has come up with a secret weapon to wage biological war on the invader. Iranian scientists have proposed introducing another kind of American jellyfish, Beroe ovata, which feeds on only one thing -- the mnemiopsis. They have been breeding the gelatinous assassins in special tanks to adapt it to Caspian waters, which are less salty than its normal habitat. Since the beroe feeds only on the mnemiopsis, they say, it will simply die out once it has consumed them.

Thank God. Thank God.


posted by LauraW. at 09:56 PM
Comments



Nothing comforts me more than reading a story about "bioengineered assassins" from Iran.

Posted by: ace on November 14, 2005 09:58 PM

You know the writer was all "ooh, I'm good" when he wrote "gelatinous assassins". Think you're getting the top google hit for that, buddy? Not any more!

Posted by: See-Dubya on November 14, 2005 10:18 PM

These plans always tend to work out so well. "They'll just die out," mmmm'kay, we'll check in after a decade or so when we've found that dead jellyfish carcasses produce an unsual mold which is the favorite food of some crazy-ass beetle from South America that shouldn't have been there in the first place but is now devouring every crop from the Caspian Sea to the Gurbantunggut Desert in China.

Wasn't there a Simpson's episode about this which ended with Springfield infested with giant lizards?

Posted by: SomeJoe on November 14, 2005 10:24 PM

This is good news! I was down to my last 4 pounds, except for the emergency supply on my yacht. Happy days are truly here again!

Posted by: bullwinkle on November 14, 2005 10:26 PM

Skinner: Well, I was wrong. The lizards are a godsend.
Lisa: But isn't that a bit short-sighted? What happens when we're
overrun by lizards?
Skinner: No problem. We simply release wave after wave of Chinese
needle snakes. They'll wipe out the lizards.
Lisa: But aren't the snakes even worse?
Skinner: Yes, but we're prepared for that. We've lined up a fabulous
type of gorilla that thrives on snake meat.
Lisa: But then we're stuck with gorillas!
Skinner: No, that's the beautiful part. When wintertime rolls around,
the gorillas simply freeze to death.

Posted by: Enas Yorl on November 14, 2005 10:28 PM

Yeah, just you watch. When this plan fails, that's when Iran's going finally wheel out their secret nuke program as a final solution for the jewwwwww-- I MEAN JELLYFISH!!!!

Posted by: Sortelli on November 14, 2005 10:32 PM

4 pounds? I have that much in my survival kit.

Posted by: Dave in Texas on November 14, 2005 10:38 PM

Thank God! I was just starting to worry that caviar might skyrocket to $1000 an ounce! At those prices, my butler wouldn't be able to purchase it on his credit card and I might have to give him one of mine. The horror!

Posted by: kbiel on November 14, 2005 10:45 PM

4 pounds? I have that much in my survival kit.

4 pounds is about 3 sammiches. By my reckoning, that means you'll only survive 6 hours.

Posted by: lauraw on November 14, 2005 10:59 PM

4 pounds is about 3 sammiches.

hey, when the shit hits the fan, I gots to move!

it's just a small part of the kit. I have as many pounds of beef jerky as I do .45 cal.

Posted by: Dave in Texas on November 14, 2005 11:10 PM

In 1983 Iran had to sell to Russia all their sturgeon catches until the 1952. Russian caviar just better than Iranian!!!.

I can just say that on every poison there is an antidote.
I think this message is already in Russians scientist’s mind and what is let is, just a matter of time.


“I pile up a big 'ol caviar Sloppy Joe on a kaiser roll”

How rudimentary! What I can say?
You need a bond, and that is Russian caviar and vodka.

Posted by: Peter on November 14, 2005 11:26 PM

Ah, 1893 should be instead of 1983. Sorry.

Posted by: Peter on November 14, 2005 11:30 PM

I need a bond...do you mean a match?
Peter, are you Russian?

Posted by: lauraw on November 14, 2005 11:52 PM

We get a newsletter?? Dang-it! Why wasn't I called during the supper hour and harangued into subscribing?

*left-out pout*

Posted by: Joan of Argghh! on November 15, 2005 12:12 AM

You say mnemiopsis jellyfish, I say tomahto. It all comes down to ravenous giant jellypeople when it's all over. Hundreds of sci-fi books and movies available, and they have learned nothing. This is what happens when fundamentalists start banning books.

God's number 2 ovary*, am I mad.

* Natlamp ca: 1975

Posted by: Tom M on November 15, 2005 12:40 AM

*ahem*

uhh...been drinkin', buddy?

Posted by: lauraw on November 15, 2005 12:42 AM

Um, not drinking, actually...

Still, all the movies, the books. They have not learned, because they have not seen.

Posted by: Tom M on November 15, 2005 01:30 AM

Florida is full of critters someone thought would just die out when released into the wild.

The critters proclivity for eating a particular other critter MAY simply be preference and availability.

If I were faced with eating a closet full of chicken soup and cans of worms, the worms will lose until the chicken soup is 100% depleted - then I'd switch to the worms if that's all there was.

Posted by: Purple Avenger on November 15, 2005 02:02 AM

Let there Beroe.

Posted by: God on November 15, 2005 03:02 PM

You gotta know that those American jellyfish are Republicans 'cause they are assassins. No self respectin' Liberal could be an assassin. As Republicans you know they will develop a taste for caviar and then the Iranians will be back to square one.

Posted by: Steve on November 15, 2005 03:46 PM
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