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August 20, 2005

Military Lawyers Fretted About Bin Ladin's Comfort Following Possible Capture

Main concerns were an ergonomic chair which would make shackling comfortable, and a type of restraining duct tape that wouldn't irritate his beard.

Outstanding. Keep up the good work, guys. While you're at it, how about a mid-interrogation handjob for Mr. bin Ladin? I know a nice handjob always relaxes me in a stressful situation.

posted by Ace at 07:59 PM

Comments

I dunno Ace. . . there could be performance anxiety and all. We wouldn't want OBL to clam up or anything.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on August 20, 2005 08:05 PM

http://www.richard.clark32.btinternet.co.uk/echair2.jpg

Looks like a perfect fit to me. The comfort he deserves with the simplicity and usefullness good sense and decency demand.

Posted by: bullwinkle on August 20, 2005 08:28 PM

Yes, love, a nice chair. Silk rope bindings.

A little soft brazilian jazz...low lighting...a glass of warm goat milk...a very teensy weensy syringe...aaaahhhh

Posted by: lauraw on August 20, 2005 08:33 PM

Not to criticize Bullwinkle, but I find this chair a much more satisfying option for Mr. Bin Laden.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on August 20, 2005 08:37 PM

Oh, I forgot all of that happens after we beat the ever loving shit out of him, drag him across razor wire and then dip him in rubbing alcohol, shove an armadillo up his ass the wrong way, and let an American Mountain Lion play with him for a while.

I mean, let's remember who the dude is and what he did.

Posted by: lauraw on August 20, 2005 08:39 PM

Dave, you forgot that you can put the chair I picked on "low" and leave him there for a long time. twenty years or so should do it. I can draw the wiring diagram for 3 settings; Low, Regular, and Extra Crispy. I'll even modify it for free.

Posted by: bullwinkle on August 20, 2005 08:49 PM

Wow. There really is a "comfy chair."

Posted by: Andrea Harris on August 20, 2005 09:04 PM

I can't even find it in me to laugh at this. Pure fucking insanity.

Posted by: The Warden on August 20, 2005 09:07 PM

Oh my gosh, Ace, I thought you were joking about the chair and special tape! "Ha ha, there's Ace putting his own funny spin on it"--then I read the piece.

Posted by: Lipstick on August 20, 2005 09:14 PM

Uh, LauraW, you know of a *right* way to shove an armadillo up an ass?

Please, do share with the class.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on August 20, 2005 09:24 PM

This story is all over the blogosphere. It has to be a joke. If it isn't, these lawyers should be sitting in front of a senate hearing explaining why they wasted taxpayer money on this insanity.

Posted by: erp on August 20, 2005 09:39 PM

Uh, LauraW, you know of a *right* way to shove an armadillo up an ass?

The traditional "armadillo ass shoving protocol" is head first - they got some nasty teeth you don't want to be dealing with on your end. Once in a bit, the armor plates act like barbs to prevent accidental slipping out.

Of course, there are some radical new methods involving sphincter retractors, 4" PVC pipe, and hydraulic rams...

Posted by: Tony on August 20, 2005 09:44 PM

It's not a big suprise the Pentagon's bureaucrats think this way. In fact, Warren Christopher (Clinton's SecState) was a State big shot under Carter. He unironically asked Charlie Beckwith, the Delta Force commander leading them into Iran to rescue the hostages in '81, if Beckwith's men could shoot the terrorists in the shoulder while extracting the hostages. Beckwith was a pretty colorful guy, so I won't speculate what his response was. So we know DC is crawling with pussies. I would hope whatever ground commander got these memos immediately told these lawyers to get fucked. But then I served in the Clinton-era military too, so I'm probably wrong.

Posted by: UGAdawg on August 20, 2005 09:47 PM

Uh, LauraW, you know of a *right* way to shove an armadillo up an ass?
Dang it Dave, you beat me to it. Now I'll have to come up with some other witicism.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on August 20, 2005 09:55 PM

Uh, LauraW, you know of a *right* way to shove an armadillo up an ass?

Well sideways, of course.

Posted by: lauraw on August 20, 2005 10:04 PM

I know a nice handj*b always relaxes me in a stressful situation.

Is that a hint, ace? Is it on your wish list? :)

Posted by: on August 20, 2005 10:49 PM

I know a nice handj*b always relaxes me in a stressful situation.

Umm, how about we just buy some T-shirts

Posted by: on August 20, 2005 11:03 PM

We could stuff about 100 AOS t-shirts into every orifice OBL has.

Posted by: Tony on August 21, 2005 01:40 AM

Tony, thanks for the gay expertise in your 9:44M post!

The straights here would have forgotten all about the scale factor. Though the scales also appear to complicate insertion in gay rectal sex practices using animals in "edge play".

What ever became of Raggot, the hapless gerbil? When did it come to pass that gerbils weren't "enough" for a "man"?

**************

So why are ACLU lawyers devoted to terrorist comfort the way they are? Is it just from growing up smart and unathletic in NYC?

And why would they have a cow if we just tied an anchor around OBL's neck and dumped him alive in 100feet deep Indian Ocean waters -- but are lining up begging for the right to defend a Power Ranger Pretty Boy that did just that to a nice couple interested in selling their boat?

Posted by: Cedarford on August 21, 2005 01:57 AM

I wouldn't exactly say its "gay expertise" Cederford. I think this says more about your thought processes than mine.

Does OBL get you hot?

Posted by: Tony on August 21, 2005 02:07 AM

"While you're at it, how about a mid-interrogation handj*b for Mr. bin Ladin?"

Oddly, from what I've read about him, it just might work - he'd probably be totally freaked out by that. This is a guy who once went into a combination panic/rage freakout because his sister-in-law answered the door, exposing her uncovered nose to him.

Posted by: David C on August 21, 2005 06:44 AM

Re correct armadillo insertion protocol:
Two words, folks: Arma-Glide.

Posted by: quiggs on August 21, 2005 01:35 PM

Like Lipstick, I thought the beard tape and comfy chair were Ace's jokey-jokey man additions to the story. Gack.

Posted by: See-Dubya on August 21, 2005 02:14 PM

Its turning out that most aspects of the Clinton administration handling of terrorists is Gack-worthy™

Posted by: on August 21, 2005 05:12 PM

"The straights here would have forgotten all about the scale factor. "

But you didn't forget. So that means . . .

OMG!

I've been your biggest fan, Cedarford. Couldn't you have told me before now? I feel so cheap.

Posted by: Michael on August 21, 2005 07:26 PM

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"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

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🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

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@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

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@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

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REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

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People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

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