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July 20, 2005

Wonkette Hates Jonah Goldberg, Michelle Malkin

Not sure what to say about this.

Important bloggers don't give stupid answers about who they "hate."

Real bloggers write powerful, poignant elegies to James "Scotty" Doohan.

True blogging, like true mastery of the Jedi code, requires an abandoment of all hate.

A non-hateful haiku about Wonkette:

Who Gives A Wet Shit About Who You Hate, You Dumb Overexposed Whore?

The Career Fairy is about
to take your fifteen minutes of pseudo-fame
and leave you a nice shiny quarter.

Update! "A Classic Diss": Andrew Sullivan wrongly attributes this "classic diss" to Wonkette, when in fact it was posted by one of her myriad Wonklegangers.

But seriously-- read this weak, barely-makes-any-sense rambling "slam" and decide for yourself if it's a "classic diss."

Does Excitable Andy have any genuine sense of humor at all? Or is he one of those Margaret Cho sorts of comedy-fans, the ones who clap and pretend to laugh at insults they agree with?

There have been "classic disses" on Coulter. I find it gob-smackingly vile that this lame put-down should be one called one of them.

F'n' idiot.

Here's another "classic diss:"

I wouldn't fuck Andrew Sullivan with Andrew Sullivan's dick.

Okay, not really good either. Took me like two seconds to think of that one, and half of that time was spent scratching my balls and staring into space like a thorazine casualty.

Let's see if Excitable Andy also terms it "classic."

"Classic Diss" Of The Day: Log Cabin, who by the way is some kind of homo or somethin', has a much more classic diss on the Humorless Harridan:

I wouldn't fuck Andrew Sullivan with Hillary Clinton's dick.
And just for the record, I believe her dick is named Bill.

Although, actually, I think her dick is named Howard Wolfson. I'm not even sure Bill returns her calls anymore. They communicate primarily through the newspaper, like that guy and Madonna in Desperately Seeking Susan, except Hillary keeps responding to his various "Miss You, Want You, Need You" classifieds and Bill keeps saying "Sorry, hon, I meant someone else. I swear we'll get together in Nantucket one of these days."

posted by Ace at 05:27 PM

Comments

But she does have a nice rack. It almost draws attention from that horse's head she wears on her shoulders.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on July 20, 2005 05:37 PM

With a title like that, who needs a haiku?

Posted by: lauraw on July 20, 2005 05:42 PM

wonkette hating someone most don't know
or someone most don't know
hating someone of notable fame?

Posted by: trey on July 20, 2005 05:46 PM

Never really cared for her deal. Something there too consciously hip bout her 'ass fuck' schtick. "Ooh aren't I being outrageous."

That said, Shirt's right: great rack.

Posted by: Ray Midge on July 20, 2005 05:55 PM

Wonkette's Irony.

Wonkette made ass-fucks
chic, yet Jessica Cutler
made ass-fucks pay off.

Posted by: Jack M. on July 20, 2005 05:56 PM

Wonklegangers

On. F'in. Fire.

Posted by: someone on July 20, 2005 06:00 PM

I've got to give her credit for one thing. She was the inspiration for the greatest thing Ace ever wrote.

"The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon "

That was the first thing I ever read on this blog, and I'm still waiting for something to top it.

Posted by: Master of None on July 20, 2005 06:00 PM

Actually, if you phrase it right, the title of the haiku is a haiku:

Who Gives A Wet Shit
About Who You Hate, You Dumb
Overexposed Whore?

Genius. Giving a haiku a haiku title.

Posted by: Slublog on July 20, 2005 06:02 PM

MoN,
The "Nasty Adolf" is what brought me here in the first place, and I've kept on coming back.

Posted by: Sean M. on July 20, 2005 06:06 PM

I wouldn't fuck Andrew Sullivan with Andrew Sullivan's dick.

Hee.

Now that's good homophobe.

Posted by: The Ugly American on July 20, 2005 06:06 PM

Don't feel left out, ace. I'm sure if Wonkette knew you, she would hate you, too. :-)

Posted by: on July 20, 2005 06:08 PM

It almost draws attention from that horse's head she wears on her shoulders.

LOL!!!!!!......

Posted by: The Ugly American on July 20, 2005 06:08 PM

There once was a chick named Wonkette
Who some marketing guy once let
Start up a web site
To see what she would write
But ass jokes are all he could get

Posted by: Slublog on July 20, 2005 06:24 PM

Thanks, Master of None. I had not read that gem. Ace you are one sick, funny son of a bitch. You should write a book. Or a screenplay maybe.

Posted by: compos mentis on July 20, 2005 06:26 PM

I've got to give her credit for one thing. She was the inspiration for the greatest thing Ace ever wrote.

"The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon "

That was the first thing I ever read on this blog, and I'm still waiting for something to top it.

It's right at the top for the funniest things ever written on a blog.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on July 20, 2005 06:27 PM

Christ, that was lame. I'm not sure Sully would even recognize a diss, not if he got bitch-slapped around the blogosphere with de-linkings and personal freakout advisories.

"Wonkelgangers," though... That made me laugh.

Posted by: utron on July 20, 2005 06:27 PM

I wouldn't fuck Andrew Sullivan with Hillary Clinton's dick.

And just for the record, I believe her dick is named Bill.

Posted by: Log Cabin on July 20, 2005 06:37 PM

I wouldn't fuck Andrew Sullivan with Hillary Clinton's dick.

ROFL! Holy COW, what's in the water today? These comments are hilarious.

And good grief, you horny buggers, I sincerely doubt that, unless the woman has a Repulsion Factor in the neighborhood of Helen Thomas, you'd say ANY chick has a nice rack. Wonkette just BARELY has a coat hook.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck on July 20, 2005 07:02 PM

I've only seen one picture of her. She looked like she was packing, not bbeck packing, but packing by normal standards. She also had a horse's face, so it made it hard to concentrate on her good points.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on July 20, 2005 07:06 PM

Andrew Sullivan has refused to write about whose dick he wants to be fucked with on his blog, but in an interview with The Advocate...

Posted by: Sean M. on July 20, 2005 07:12 PM

i don't mean to be dense here...but what the f*ck is that supposed to mean "rorschach blot?" is that some sort of ass pirate lingo for getting laid? is that why excitable andy thinks it's so clever? i mean, someone loan me a friggin clue here.

Posted by: matt on July 20, 2005 07:30 PM

She used the word 'girlfriend'. What woman uses that any more? It's like listening to my dad talk about Tupac. It doesnt quite work.

Posted by: Silk on July 20, 2005 07:36 PM

matt,

it's what head shrinkers call teabagging so that they can hide the fact that, really, they're just trying to f--- you in the a-- (except, figuratively).

actually, it's those ink blots that they show people and ask them what they look like, thinking that people will "project" their "subconscious" onto the ink blot, and give insight about what is really bothering them.

Posted by: skeptic on July 20, 2005 08:07 PM

What irritates me about "Wonkette" is that she wanders all around the country speaking about blogging when (1) her opinions are pretty dull and (2) she doesn't blog!

Seriously, she has a staff of people to make "snarky" "comments" for "her." That's not blogging, or, if it is, Nick Denton is a blogger and Wonkette is a middle manager.

Posted by: J Mann on July 20, 2005 08:15 PM

skeptic:

thanks - i know what the damn rorschach test is...i just didn't know if i was out of the loop vis-a-vis some kinky sex term.

i still don' get it...

Posted by: matt on July 20, 2005 08:45 PM

I'm still waiting for Wonkette's face to peel open "Total Recall" style... only to reveal George Soros.

By the way, the man-tits are real.

Posted by: johnd01 on July 20, 2005 08:58 PM

Ace, your title is a perfect haiku.

Who Gives A Wet Shit
About Who You Hate, You Dumb
Overexposed Whore?

He's even unintentionally smart.

Posted by: rdbrewer on July 20, 2005 09:24 PM

"You Dumb Overexposed Whore" is the best description I've heard yet about this talentless, useless bitch.

I can't tell you how tedious I found her endless a**f*cking references: So much so that I lost interest in wondering if she ever took it up the pipe herself; So much so that I couldn't care less about her "nice rack" either.

The solution was simple. Remove Wonkette from my favorites list. Haven't thought about this idiot since, until tonight's post here.

Posted by: Redhand on July 20, 2005 10:03 PM

Wait. She has a nice rack???

You know, maybe we've been a little hard on Wonkette.

Posted by: rdbrewer on July 20, 2005 10:17 PM

rdbrewer,

apparently not as hard as some others have been

Posted by: skeptic on July 20, 2005 10:29 PM

Ba-da-bing!

Posted by: lauraw on July 20, 2005 10:33 PM

Ba-da-bing!
Rim shot? or rimming?

Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on July 20, 2005 10:44 PM

Lookit, Skankette does NOT have a nice rack. She'd only be good masturbation material if she were in National Geographic.

They're average at best; maybe worth considering a good bender to make them more attractive, but in no way worth the hangover.

Remember: there are many more breasts in the world you would rather NOT see!

Posted by: El Conquistadore on July 20, 2005 10:55 PM

Johnny Coldcuts does NOT dig Wonkette's tits. He prefers Teddy Bruski's manboobs to Ana Marie Cocks mosquito bites.

Jonah Goldberg slices like a fucking hammer. Michelle Malkin comes down hard like a friggin' viking. Wonkette doesn't even get a shirt.

Posted by: Charles on July 21, 2005 08:13 AM

Nice rack = saggy waterballoons?

Posted by: on July 21, 2005 09:36 AM

More diversity training going on in London's tubes today.

Thank goodness it seems at first blush that few people were hurt, except the splodeydopes of course.

Posted by: lauraw on July 21, 2005 09:45 AM

splodedopes,

heh

Posted by: Dave in Texas on July 21, 2005 10:10 AM

Skankette and Sully
Seems impossible physically
But both blow and suck

Posted by: Dman on July 21, 2005 10:10 AM

splodeydopes rather

Posted by: Dave in Texas on July 21, 2005 10:11 AM

You'll get a kick out of this; one of the killers' detonators went off- but the bomb didn't explode.

He made a sound of dismay, dropped his backpack and fled.
Unfortunately, it seems he got away.

Posted by: lauraw on July 21, 2005 10:13 AM

Unfortunately, it seems he got away.

Fortunately, probably not for long. While I'm somewhat agnostic on cameras monitoring public places (except than it just, well, creeps me out a little bit) the presence of all those cameras leaves few places to hide.

And yeah, I love "splodeydopes" too. Heh.

Posted by: Rocketeer on July 21, 2005 10:30 AM

I e-mailed Wonkette and asked if she would "hate" me too. She declined, but agreed that she would say that I "annoyed" her.

Hey, its a start!

Posted by: Joe L. on July 21, 2005 10:47 AM

loose terrorist shit

Posted by: Dave in Texas on July 21, 2005 10:48 AM

Place your bets now: copycatters, more adherants of the religion of peace, or Karl Rove?

Or maybe all three??

Posted by: brak on July 21, 2005 10:58 AM

The CIA, man. The C-I-A.

Shhhh

Posted by: lauraw on July 21, 2005 11:05 AM

Don't be naive. Do you need Cedarford to tell you who is really behind it all?

Posted by: brak on July 21, 2005 11:10 AM

Ohh, did Wonkette hurt your feelings? *tear* Get a sack, pussies.

Posted by: Reality on July 21, 2005 11:55 AM

Dude, as I am neither Jonah Goldberg nor Michelle Malkin, and nor does anyone else here go by those names, how the heck could Wonkette have hurt our feelings?

Posted by: ace on July 21, 2005 11:59 AM

I know Reality does not see the irony in his post about a post about lame disses. Good one.

Posted by: Dman on July 21, 2005 12:02 PM

Reality: Thinking about her sacks and snach makes my weenie hurt. She is fugly. Get over her.

Posted by: XXX on July 21, 2005 12:34 PM

Damn. What'd you have for breakfast this morning? Cause I want some too!

Posted by: Karl Maher on July 21, 2005 12:43 PM

Ohh, did Wonkette hurt your feelings? *tear* Get a sack, pussies.

Reality, the knight in shining armor routine probably won't work in this case. There's got to be an easier way to get a date.

One could ask a similar question of you - who are you to be so hurt on behalf of Wonkette?

Posted by: Slublog on July 21, 2005 01:06 PM

Reality: Thinking about her sacks and snach makes my weenie hurt. She is fugly. Get over her.

She may be a tad (toad?) on the thick side, however Wonkette doesn't look that bad to me. But then I haven't had a shaved teenage whore since the Pelopennisian war, and so far lauraw is ignoring my advances.

Woe is me ...

Posted by: 72 shaved teenage whores on July 21, 2005 06:07 PM

72: You need to get laid real bad. She is a troll with saggy tits.

Gawd, wathing you bloggers go crazy for Fuglette is like seeing a bunch of nerds go crazy because some dork brought his ugly sister to a D&D game.

Posted by: on July 22, 2005 10:18 AM

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What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
LOTR is a very long story. Fifteen hundred pages or so. The Hobbit is relatively short and very punchy and easy to read. If you don't like The Hobbit, you can skip out on LOTR. If you do like it, you'll be primed to read LOTR.
Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

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Tomorrow is March 25th, "Tolkien Reading Day," because March 25th is the day when the Ring is destroyed in the book. I think I'm going to start the Hobbit tomorrow and read all four books this time.
The only bad part of the trilogy are the Frodo/Sam chapters in The Two Towers. They're repetitive, slow, and mostly about the weather and terrain. But most everything else is good. Weirdly, the Frodo-Sam chapters in Return of the King are exciting and action-packed and among the best in the trilogy. (Though the chapters with everyone else in Return of the King get pretty slow again. Mostly people talking about marching towards war, and then marching towards war.)

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