Chimpy McHitler Burton's kids? I'd do 'em.

For all you degenerates out there (myself included) that's nip in second pic on the second-deep link.

Find it yourself ya lazy bums. :P

I already got it, dude.

Wow, quasi-presidential nip-slip.

That's a fine, fine picture.

And Barbara is looking fairly, um, full of herself.

This is the best thing I have ever posted.

This is my Sistine Chapel.

I haven't been this turned on since the Who's the Boss? episode where Jonathan fantasizes about killing Tony with a slingshot.

Butterfly Flits Among Wet Leaves
I don't know why I'm like this.
So fuckin' hot, you are.
Let's get some coke.

Nicely smooth thigh meat on Lauren as well. Those are good genes.

I hung out with Jenna a couple times back in Austin, she's pretty good looking as well

Very cute for polito-babes, but ya'd think Daddy could afford a better-fitting dress!

An admirer just bought me one of your cutie girl tees....does that count as one for me....or my admirer?

OK- I just posted on another thread how intelligently a bunch of guys who normally speak in the language of sex could articulate themselves so intelligently on the Constitution.

I see I spoke too soon....

Page 2, second row, last photo on the right. Go crazy.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't do this for a living.

"So fuckin' hot, you are"

Now Allah's channeling Yoda? I'll bet someone could come up with a Pat O'Brien translator for when you need to punch up an office memo or love letter. Or maybe a Yoda doing Pat O'Brien translator. Or maybe an Allah doing Yoda doing Pat O'Brien translator.

"Oho! So fuckin' hot, you are"

Now I'm confusing myself.

Hang in there, Ace. You've still got three years to get your hands on the tapes of Pat O'Brien's late-night calls to Barbara's dorm room at Yale.

Midnight Stork by the Water's Edge

Betsy likes it when
the president's first-born wears
my arab goggles

That's a direct quote from Pat O'B, skinbad. Download the "Hello" remix and enjoy.

Now then. "Yes, she is a Republican. Favorite music, she says, includes "the old stuff, Bob Dylan and the Beatles, and current alternative rock..." She also refuses to model Arabic fashion.

I want her badly, and I know she wants me. But, she has to pay attention to Jenna.

Some of you are treating this stately blog as if it were an AOL chatroom filled with horny 13-year-old boys. Now where did I just read that?

Ace, it would help sell shirts if you didn't type like Cletus the Slack-jawed Yokel.

"ya'd think Daddy could afford a better-fitting dress"

O, my bitterness has a nicname, spelled p-s-f-l-a-n-a-g-a-n

She sure looks like Clair Forlani from "Meet Joe Black". Have we checked the facts?

See Clair here: http://www.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/1050/Events/1050/wi20010110_ClaireForlani_Granitz_135487.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Forlani,%20Claire

I don't think it looks anything like her.

OTOH, it looks just like the other confirmed pictures of Lauren.

Just noticed Claire Forlani in Mystery Men... but she's at least 5-7 years older than Lauren.

Alright, just bought a shirt you freakin skirt. Quit yer bitchin

Ace:

You're right -- quit now, while you are ahead. You have peaked. You can never top this post for being relevant to the public interest, politically insightful, directed at the true interests of your readership, and generally advancing the cause of peace, freedom, and the brotherhood of mankind.

Don't think about it. Just. Walk. Away. Allah (you asshole, we all want you to come back) can tell you how.

Goodbye. I'll miss you.

"Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac."

Alternate caption:

Can your pussy do the dog?

Ok.

ACE I agree. Perhaps its this little laptop screen. It tends to make all women look the same.

ace,

you really dumping goldstein?

he did apologize about the "humpers" crack. Not that it really matters, just curious.

One more for the road:

"I wanna fuckin' go crazy with you. And maybe loan you a pair of tweezers."

Awwww...that was cute how you linked to Goldstein as you delinked him.

yeah, well, it's sort of a gag, you know?

Dammit! Now we're not going to see "Washed-Up Ace" as he tries to hunt and peck a sentence while marinating in a Val-U-Rite Vodka induced drunken coma.

Let's see:

Beatles fan? Check. (Even to the point of "discovering" Beatallica).

Dylan fab? Check. (Even to the point of naming my blog "All Along the Blogtower").

Refusal to model arab fashions? Check. (I look like shit in those nomadic flowing robes).

Lauren Bush you are a perfect Match for Jack M. Congrats, and enjoy your future!

This e-relationship made possible by Ace-o-Match-Harmony.Com.

Ace:

Sad to see you go. De-linking Jeff upon retiring seems somewhat pyrrhic, though.

I saw a TV commercial about a groovy place where you can golf free for the rest of your life, looked like fun! Nancy Lopez recommends it. Florida, I think. I could check into for you.

Ace:

Please define "dynamite rack". Looks like a couple of mosquito bites to me.

I'm thinking somewhere between Bush and Coco would be more aptly define "dynamite rack"...not that I am a lesbian or anything and spend my time judging other women's breast....just wanna be clear

On the M. Cho thing - my old boss is going to SEE THAT BITCH UP IN LA this Saturday! I nearly shat myself when he told me that - then I laughed at him.

You cant let this be your last post man. You need to think up one last post combining all your classic bits. Paul Anka, Kim Richards, Cowbell, Willis, Gannon and all the rest.

and when your done you need to post a pic of yourself in bed with Suzanne Pleshette. Real or photoshopped.

Anyway if your dead set on retireing, id just like to thank you for keeping me entertained for the last six months or so. Its been a blast.

p.s. Cedarfords a CockSucker. (just had to get one more of them in there)

Crap, lost another entertaining blogger. I noticed the best burn out the quickest :(

Well, it was fun while it lasted, for me.

I was buying your load of crapl, up until the "I'm erasing the porn" line ... I mean, if you stop blogging, WHAT else will you be doing?

Ace is not going to retire.

I believed; therefore I said, "I am greatly afflicted." And in my dismay I said, "All men are liars."

Psalm 116: 10-11

See Paris Hilton in a suprisingly candid shot!

Um... could you just post more links to Lauren Bush pictures instead? I like my erotica to have a little... class.

And the reason Ace can't retire is because he must, repeat must, be true to the memory of:

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEF GAN!OOOOOOOOONN

Yeah, michael, especially since Instapundit just linked to this post.

As for the MargaretCho video...I could feel myself dying a little inside while watching it.

Andrea,

Um, just click on the link and play the game.

"Surprise" is the key word there.

Can't say more.

Sean:

The Margaret Cho post was definitely an assault on Ace's readers. We must forgive this indiscretion. Let's remember what matters to the future of freedom and democracy:

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEFF GANOOOOOOOOONN!

So is that how you get an Instalanche? Threaten to quit?

So you can have your frickin 'Instalanche'. Who needs it. I got an 'Itsalanche', which is like 5 times better!!!!

This is so, so bad, but does anyone remember this quote from the June 20, 2001 edition from The Onion, (under the fake headlines, "In the News" section; included a photo):

Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling

Very, very bad. Enjoy.

Holy crap, my derrick count just increased.

I hope it's like a Commisar retirement. He just posts 2 posts a day... maybe.

We still get content, and the author doesn't burn out, good deal in my estimation.

That was sad. I saw her act at Tulane last week and she was hilarious.

"Dammit! Now we're not going to see 'Washed-Up Ace' as he tries to hunt and peck a sentence while marinating in a Val-U-Rite Vodka induced drunken coma."

Uh...I thought that WAS what we were seeing...

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot:

Goodbye, Ace. It was fun. Good luck in your post-blog existence.

Just try not to turn into one of those guys that pseudo-blogs in other people's comments like Allah.

Thanks. I will miss you all.

Bob:

Allah is not pseudo-blogging. Allah is just attempting to discern the faithful -- those that will search for him when he is being coy. If we are patient, we will receive our 72 virgins.

Ace:

Before you leave, there is something I need to know. You recently mentioned fucking Allah's sister in the squeek-hole.

Exactly what is a squeek-hole? I really don't know.

Just send me an email if you don't want to offend Allah with a public description of his sister's squeek-hole. Then you can retire. I'll be OK with it.

Except of course Allah's been handing out retreads lately
http://net-burst.net/singles/virginity.htm

You know, if you google "Surgically restored virginity" Ace of Spades HQ is #3.

Has anybody ever seen Allah and Ace and at the same time?

Just askin'....

Hey, if you're quitting, can I have your Instalanche?

Come on! You don't need it.

With Ace and Goldstein both talking retirement, there could be just enough of a humor vacuum on the right side of the 'sphere for me to pop back in.

Oh wait, I forgot: I'm flat fucking broke and blogging doesn't pay shit.

Good thing I remembered in time!

Ace, are you saying that you just conned about 30 of us to purchase a t-shirt approximately one week before the site it's advertising goes belly-up?

Um, the reason I bought your t-shirt was to donate to the blog expenses. Heck, didn't you recently post something about hitting the tip jar, too?

Am I the only one having a problem with this???

Don't get me wrong, I'm not feeling ripped off; I didn't have a problem with the monetary contribution since I post here so much...but this really strikes me as oddly timed. WHO advertises the sale of a promotional t-shirt right before they plan to close the place down?

Later,
bbeck

Ace and Allah together is like trying to see Michael Jackson and Latoya together.

Completely O/T
Numa Idle
http://www.big-boys.com/articles/idle.html

Since Ace is a little slow on the Internet Uptake
The original Numa Numa by Gary

http://www.big-boys.com/articles/numanuma.html

Oh fuck. I thought he was kidding this whole time. Now the latest update makes me think this is serious.

I mean... fuckshitdamnFUCK.

Ace, you bastard, this better be because you're selling out for big money somehow, because if you're doing this for some pussy reason like "enjoying life more," so help me God, I'll find you and beat you like the little girl you are.

Ya, nice try with the retiring. Until you bring us full frontal Jenna you're very much on the job, buddy.

ooooh noooo....my poor aching heart
first Allah [may his name be blessed]
now my Acey is leaving.

after your superlative job, Ace, blogging on the election and terry schiavo...
we'll have nothing ...
except the tee shirt...
w/ the newly-redesigned logo....
in Ace signature colors...

why dont you 2 just co-blog?
Allah of Spades?
Ace vs Allah Flameblog?
Vodka recipes for Izlamo-pirates?

why dont you 2 just co-blog?

Contrary to my explicit instructions, he refuses to pay attention to Betsy.

Allah:

Oh wait, I forgot: I'm flat fucking broke and blogging doesn't pay shit

If you start blogging again, I hereby pledge $500 to your tip jar. You have my identity -- you can google "michael meyer sterling commerce" for picture, bio and contact information. You can survive for at least two months on $500 worth of Cheerios.

Screw Ace. He doesn't get a dime. I still don't know what a squeek-hole is (even though your sister apparently has one).

Dew from a Sweet Hibiscus

Ace is leaving now
I'll mourn after I donkey-
punch his damn sister

quit hell, whendidya start.

He's got to "level up" before he can do that.

A 24/7 parade of pieties on the tube and you pick now to retire? Jeez. Why don't you and Allah just keep writing shit to each other and call it a revolution in bloggery? The whole blogger experience starts to suck the day you get up and think you owe somebody something anyway, which is like Day 2.

You guys could turn the whole friggin' set-in-cement format thing upside down and inside out -- You know you want to! I mean, how long are you going to be happy hanging around posting comments on other people's blogs after about a week? Shoot, I'm really going to miss you Ace, Allah, even though you wouldn't know me from Adam -- or need to either. Best damn blogs on the net. Bless you for a job well done.

What. Wait a min-- wha? No. Ace did not say that. He did not say the "q" word. That word has no meaning to Ace of Spades. Not Ace. Not Ace who slices like a hot salami! (Or whatever, who cares!)

Nope, Ace didn't say it. Didn't say it. He said something else. He said... "I'm hitting." Yeah. Or maybe it was ""spitting." Spitting can be good, especially when you're in the dentist's office and you have a mouthful of blood and amalgam shavings and that nasty orange-tasting benzocaine spray. Or have just taken a swig from a bottle of rat poison instead of the bottle of whiskey right next to it. So spitting is good. So is shitting (it's not healthy to hold that in), getting (some), mitting, litting (those are too words! shut up!) -- knitting, ahhh... ritting (short for "ritalin"), quit--

Nope, no, didn't see it, he didn't say it, la la la can't hear you go to my happy place go to my happy place go to my happy place--

Is this like an integrity thing? I mean, put me some fucking knowledge here.

Heh heh so glad I didn't buy a t-shirt instead I paid my rent so NURRR.

Ace--

A few things.

First, this sound file captures your posting precisely.

Second, April Fool's was FRIDAY. Ha ha.

Seriously, you can't leave. All the plants are gonna die!

If you want me to prove my love to you, I'll do your laundry. I'm not above groveling.

I'll be the Kent to your Professor Hathaway.

Whatever you need, whatever your price, quote it, and it's yours. Might take a while, but we'll do it for you.

COURAGE.

Dave at Garfield Ridge

You won the fuckin' lotto, didn't you?

YOU BASTARD.

Can I have ten thousand dollars?

Wait-- this IS all a joke, right?

Because it's about as funny as a positive test result.

Seriously-- unless I hear from Our God soon, I'm just going to have to start worshipping an inanimate carbon rod.

Don't make me do that.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Guys... he's not going to quit just because he posted a picture of Lauren Bush's nip-slip.

It's a goof.

It's all MY fault... gosh dang it, I'm a jinx, give money to Allah and he quits, give money to Ace and he quits... no more gratitude for any more bloggers!!!

I've retired a bunch of times. Know what I mean?

Me, too.

You can't quit, you magnificent bastard.

Tell you what, if you keep blogging, I'll hit your tipjar and give you one crisp new George Washington. This offer won't last forever, so make your decision soon.

Seriously, though. If you really are quitting, your particular blend of the obscene and the profound will be missed.

Bloody hell! And I was going to buy a t-shirt, too. Gonna miss ya, Ace. Unless, of course, this is an elaborate gag - in that case, I knew it all along.

Can I have the Instalanche? I saw it first, you all know this to be true. Don't deny it.

It's like the Cure's "last" tour, isn't it? Like, some sort of twisted Goth zombie metaphor -- "when hell is full, the dead will rise from the grave and go on a thirty-stadium tour!" So like, yeah, you're "quitting," right?

Fucking goth kids.

Wind rustles Bamboo

spring blossoms open
our brave Ace of Hearts rides off

into the shitstorm?
*********************
Green Tea Harmony

if Ace and Allah
drown themselves in cheap vodka

i'll kick their asses

I dunno: lovely girl and everything, but her arms are kind of on the furry side - which, combined with those brows, mean that "bush" is most likely not just her last name.

Why am I thinking of Art Garfunkel all of a sudden?

I mean, don't get me wrong: of course I would, if I ever got a chance. But I like Barbara better.

I"M Marilyn ManWhat?

ManWHAT?

He's pulling our leg(s).

I dunno: lovely girl and everything, but her arms are kind of on the furry side - which, combined with those brows, mean that "bush" is most likely not just her last name.

Ummmm... and?

Some guys are really picky. We call them "virgins."

Quitting? No wait! ... There's a new Dusty girl.

(Ad I haven't received my T-Shirt order yet).

Hmmmmmm. So my brand new, never worn, still in its original package, official limited edition Ace of Spades t-shirt is a collector's item?

Ha!!!!!! As usual, my timing is impeccable. See all you chumps on Ebay, baby!!!!!!!!!!!!

Calm down, calm down.

The man just got a bunch of folks to re-do his logo, with tender loving obsessive compulsive attention to detail. A guy who has been "thinking about doing this for a long time" doesn't do that 2 weeks earlier.

UNLESS, of course, he really thought that there would be a bigger response from the shirts, and even though it's a small thing, he realized that there really ISN'T any money in blogging and then decided to hang it up.

So all you fuckwheats have nobody but yourselves to blame. Buy a fucking shirt for God's sake.

Who wears T-shirts. TEE SHIRTS!

What did Allah's sister say when Ace fucked her?

"Ace, is it in yet?"

Gonna miss you if you mean it. And don't worry all the friends you thought you made - well they're going to piss on your grave, just like they do on lazy Allah's.

I was going to de-link you right back, but Jesus told me not to.

'fuckwheat'? What the hell is a 'fuckwheat'? Is it anything like a 'cornholer'?

or did you mean to spell it "Buckwheat" and just made a typo? In that case--go to hell you racist bastard.

I swear. The only thing i hate worse than a a racist, is a God damn Mexican.

I say the whole thing is a filthy con. Sullivan told Ace we wouldn’t fall for that “bandwidth” thing again, so now he’s threatening to ride off into the sunset unless we buy more of his wretched T-shirts, after which he’ll… umm, ride off into the sunset. Trust me, in two weeks Ace will be lounging around the pool at stately Instapundit Manor, swapping jokes with Filet-o-Fish and slurping jello shots out of Wonkette’s various orifices, laughing all the while at the way us pitiful rubes keep falling for these sleazy Internet scams.

You made me spit iced tea through my nose, April.

And ace isn't quitting. Rehab is for quitters.

Haha, good one Jeff.

Remember, the easiest way to win is to just out-fucking-last everyone.

ALL YOUR ACE ARE BELONG TO US!!

Jesus H. Christ!!

I leave for a couple of hours so I could get some dinner and look what happens!!! C'mon Ace, don't make me beg!

First Allah, then Diplomad, then ACE . . . what's next?

All right, we'll let you have your damn vacation. Ya got three days. You hear that! A week!

Ace, you fucking whore!

Where's my Megan?????????????????

Dont worry about Jeff G. de-linking you Ace. The way he does it it usually takes a week or two before your actually gone. I hear its quite painless actually.

Quit? Are you fucking kidding me?

Bro, Paul Anka, The Most Important Man on This Stage didn't quit on that night at Caesars when the hot groupie panties fell on the stage in a blizzard of hot silk and the motel keys jangled at his feet like the chimes of a thousand church bells. He didn't quit when, at long last, the guys got shirts and Joe showed up without a word of explanation.

No, Mr. Paul Anka didn't quit and neither can you. Because men of substance don't quit. That's just the integrity kick they're on.

That's. Just. The. Way. It. Is.

yes indeedy, pulling the plug will induce mild euphoria...or mild euthanasia
it'll be like going to dizzneeland, Ace
is that what Andrew and Oliver told you??
it'll be like going to pinellas park!
ft marcy park!

that's right Ace so many parks, so little time
and besides, no one needs you around anymore, useless blogger.
evil triumphs b/c Ace does nothing.

is that enough guilt for you Ace?

"I was going to de-link you right back, but Jesus told me not to."

There goes alarm ringer mocking religion, again. But, hey, it's not his so it's cool.

Dont get your crucifix in a twist HundredPercenter, its just a joke.

More fun. Dont get your crucifix in a twist HundredPercenter, its just a joke

God I hate you libertarians. Maybe not hate, but many of you are well deserving of a wallop.

Dont make me kick your ass HundredPercenter. You know i can do it. You saw what I did to Oliver Willis didnt you? I warned him about makin all them anti-libertarian comments. He just wouldn listen. Some men you just cant reach. So I had to lay the pimp hand down on him. Which is the way he wants it. Well, he got it. Willis used to look like this before he got on my bad side. Now look at him.

hey hey pay attention
lets all focus on flaming our generous host, mr spades
priorities people!

Here's my take on this: Ace was jealous that the lesbians were getting more attention than he was.

What better way to turn the focus back to his own brilliant self than to announce that he's quitting?

We can't lose the Pope and Ace in one week!

You may be onto something, Lipstick. In my experience you can't go too far wrong if you blame the lesbians. Of course, I blame the lesbians for my torpid dating activity and a great many other things as well.

Regardless: if Ace really quits, I say we all go over to SondraK's place and TP her blog.

I'm just here for the Dusty girls.

Ooh yeah, I'm soo fuckin' into her. But only if she pays attention to the Seven Diamonds girl on LGF's mainpage.

Craaazyyyy.

"lets all focus on flaming our generous host, mr spades "

Well first off, mind your own damn business April. And secondly- I have it on good authority that our humble host isnt Mr. Spades, but rather Senor Spades.
Thats why hes always kissing up to Malkin. Hiding in plain site. Im pretty sure hes hate a couple dozen of his cousins cranking out those T shirts for him too. The Ace of Spades HQ is really a sweatshop.
Im almost certain that the real reason he's decided to retire all of a sudden has something to do with all those new vigilantes patrolling the Arizona border.

Jeff G you made Baby Jesus cry!

Oh wait, that's 100%er. Never mind.

My apologies for insulting the weaker half of my party.

So how many of you bought ACE tee's one week before his well deserved retirement?

Also- will anyone step forward and buy ACE a gold rolex, you know, now that he's retired and all?

Hey Hunnerd:

This is Ace's swan song haiku - leave your hate at JeffG's where we can watch it turned into fun at your expense.

And, speaking of swan haiku:

SWAN HAIKU

Ace hangs it all up
Slicing into the sunset
A fucking hammer

naw, HundredPercenter, im just messin with ya. I actually agree with ya about Shiavo. just fuckin with ya a little bit.

Andea, on the other hand, isnt joking at all. Shes just that big a bitch. :)

Andrea. Not Andea. Though shes probably a bitch too. Uppity libertarians.

HEY -- you can't do strikethroughs here! Shite.

utron,

TP and Tick-Tack too! Nothing against Sondra who I don't know, but I used to love to TP and TT. Back in my youth of course.

Except last week at the neighbors. But they had Kerry/Edwards signs up so I figured they had it coming. Especially since they let their dog crap in my yard.

Whats "tick-tack"?

Ace hangs it all up
Slicing into the sunset
A fucking hammer

Kobekko, you are the god of haiku.

Tick tacking is a fine Halloween tradition. You throw dried corn kernels onto the porch or windows of peoples' houses.

It makes a startling noise, believe me.

We used to specially target our teachers' houses.

For you city-folk, farmers save corn for the cows to eat in winter and by Halloween it's dry and just ready for throwing.

naw, HundredPercenter, im just messin with ya. I actually agree with ya about Shiavo. just fuckin with ya a little bit.

I know.What's your website?

It IS my own damn business.
I have to shop for the retirement party
--Schlock Co Caviar to go w/ the Val-u-rite vodka
--tacky ''Over the Hill Grim Reaper'' paper plates and black balloons
--Watermelon juice and baba-ghanouj for Allah
--bitter pills to swallow for Ollie
--the wee hobgoblin folk will probably be wanting bark, twigs, leaves, and other health-conscious snacks
--chocolate martinis for the ladies
--fart cushions and cable TV sports for the gents
--a call in to Immigration enforcement for Senor Ace

"What...?
Over? Did you say OVER???
Was it...was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?
HELL NO.
And it ain't over now...Cause when the going gets TOUGH...
*...
*..."

Man, I still don't know exactly what the hell happened to Allah. Can I get some closure on that before Ace even starts with the funny stuff about retiring?
Very disturbing in an Alderaan-destroyed way. I hope all the Schiavo stuff didn't get too out of hand. Even though I didn't see eye-to-eye with our Host on that, I'm not enough of an idiot to write him scathing letters about it. Man, I HATE people who suck up free entertainment and then have the stupidity to complain about it.

We luv ya Ace.

Ace, Ace, Ace...

You announce retirement, and BAM - you get linked by Glenn. What does that say?

Bet it kinda pisses you off huh?

Well, there seems to be an awful lot of arguing about whether or not this "retirement" is real.

Let's look at the facts:

1) Ace craves attention.

2) Ace is convinced of his own comedic brilliance, and is determined to convince other people of this.

3) Ace's so-called "last post" wasn't even something funny he wrote. It was a link to another blog, showing the very outside of a nipple.

4) Ace has so far not made any crazy-blog-money, something he has vowed to do.

5) Ace has also not yet appeared on the Paula Zahn show, something he has vowed to do.

6) Ace has also not yet dorked Wonkette up the squeakhole, something he hasn't exactly vowed to do, but what the hell, it sure seems easier than making money off this blog or getting on Paula Zahn.

7) Finally, your buddy Smitty told you it was a goof. Doesn't anyone know who Smitty is? For the love of everything holy, doesn't anyone actually read this stupid moronblog except me?

Ace = Smitty

Who cares if your actually quitting or not?

Its fun just to riff off each others lame comments.

Excellent points, "Smitty." I think #2 really nails it. We'll stick around until the F'in Hammermeister convinces us of his comedic brilliance, which means we're going to be here for a while.

Ace = Smitty Who cares if your actually quitting or not? Its fun just to riff off each others lame comments.

Okay, cool... because some people actually seemed angry at ol' Ace earlier.

Can I still get the guys some shirts?

Ace has been watching too much of (the excruciatingly unfunny) Andy Kaufman.

Bummer. But enough about you: can I have Jeff's empty link? My blog isn't interesting, funny, or topical. You can think of it as Jeff-lite.

Just kidding. I enjoy your and his blogs tremendously. I hope the reason you are leaving has something to do with success in selling your soul to hollywood, bollywood, or even Dollywood.

Best wishes

these comment boxes are attracting unfunny jerk-offs like flies, Ace

Good idea to shut down operations. To hell with all of them.

I thought I had written my best post too(see Redneck-Studies-Dept post at SpinDaddylink); clearly, after reading this I have more work to do. Thxs for the heads up -SpinDaddy

100%-er:

The Fabric of Our Lives

Ordered a t-shirt
Didn't see this coming though
Should have ordered two?

if this is for real, you can come up with a much better final post than these old pics, continue to make "final posts" and see how many Instalanches you can get, milk it for all it's worth

"if this is for real, you can come up with a much better final post than these old pics, continue to make "final posts" and see how many Instalanches you can get, milk it for all it's worth"

What is this, the KISS Farewell Tour?

As someone else pointed out, if this is fake, then it is very Kaufmanesque. And Andy Kaufman died of lung cancer. Think about it.

Well, really Ace you are wrong in your assertion. The BEST thing you every wrote is down there in the greatest hitjobs.

I guess Ace is looking for some of the "Crazy Social Security Money" since the whole bolg money thing didn't work out...

Go read Smitty's comment. Then click on "Smitty".
Smitty is Ace.

See-- he's been pulling your legs.

You'll miss us all?

This is total bullshit. I know I'm taking this harder than the others but I have grown accustom to visiting Ace blog everyday.

To hell with the nipple. (It's small, anyway). The Ace is leaving!

Right.
He went through a year of persistent, high-output blogging in near anonymity, so that he could drop it all when the audience started getting bigger.
People. Stop blubbering, wash the snot off your face, and drink a glass of water. Sit down.
He ain't going nowhere.

He's just trying to throw off the lesbians.

Its the Halloween strategy. Park the cars out back, shut the lights off, be very quiet, and maybe they'll be convinced nobody's home and go away.

Ace wouldn't do us like that.

Tell the lesbians to get their own damn blog.

He's just trying to throw off the lesbians.

Ok, I almost peed my pants there Lauraw.

But, really ... wouldn't a nice lesbian following be the pinnacle of success for Ace?

Good point Carin.

But maybe these aren't the Spice Channel lebians that Ace longs for.
They could be hulking mullet-headed bulldykes.

In which case, Ace is likely curled in the fetal position under his bathroom sink, in a puddle of vomited Valu-Rite Vodka, whispering 'Go awa-a-a-ay...' to the cold tile floor.

Reading this thread, I'm amazed at you people (not you ace, the rest of these blithering idiots)

You really DO run the asylum ace. I'm surprised any of you people can type on a keyboard, what with the copious amounts of drool sluicing from your gaping stinkmouths.

The fact that people were gullible enough to believe it means only one thing:

people will believe anything on the internets

thumb-sucking imbeciles.

I mean shit, after "yeah, well, it's sort of a gag, you know?" how could anyone possibly take this seriously? Admittedly before that I was a bit unsure about the delinking, but not the 'retirement'

Then you brought out Smitty.

For the love of God, people, SMITTY.

Ace's Worst. Character. Ever.

I'm ashamed of you all.

They could be hulking mullet-headed bulldykes.

ding! ding! ding! ding! ding!

Ace's worst character ever?

I actually give that distinction to Hoke Malokey.

Hoke isn't an Ace creation?

Umm..sorry dude.

They could be hulking mullet-headed bulldykes.

Ahem. I would suggest going over to SondraK's site and examining the photographic evidence on this point.

She made a lot of money putting ads on her ass.

It's a nice ass. And I know ass. I'm a duck.

I wonder if the same sales gimmick will work for you, Ace.

Hobgoblin - flame war was DAYS ago.

And, I know men -hope springs eternal ... unless Ace was actually confronted by a dike in a mullet (wearing a strap-on), he is going to imagine that any and all lesbian commenters are hot.

Geoffrey, if you care to actually examine that photo, you will notice that it is not in fact Sondra's ass.

It is a cheap photoshop of an ass in a thong (if it's the pic I'm thinking of) p-shopped onto some poorly faked dropped trou (the pants are real, just not pulled down)

I thought that that was a pretty cheap gimmick when I first saw it, and I truly hope that the folks who "paid" for that "ass" are satisfied.

If there is a better, more realistic picture that I haven't seen, then I apologize, but the pic I did see was a noob-quality cut-n-paste of an ass, not the real deal.

and carin, c'mon. the "co-star" line was good enough to at least resurrect an old post (ace-style) with an update.

When Steve McCutcheon throws in the towel, it's all over.

Last time I'm going to say this -- and only for the benefit of all who still give credence to "beenie" [sic] aficianado HundredPercenter's persistent claims to my religious intolerance.

Here are my commentary posts on the Schiavo case -- the last one addressing how the public face of the protests, as presented by the media and represented officially in the persons of Randall Terry and the Reverend Pat Mahoney -- could cause Republicans problems in their efforts to push through judicial nominees. Which you can agree with or disagree with, but there is not anti-religious sentiment to it.

Nevertheless, it was at precisely that point when Hundredpercenter chimed in with his first volley in this sophomoric, junior high school scrape, suggesting I might be a Christophobe, here. . My response is here. A portion:

My analysis was about perception; I noted how I believe that nearly everyone involved in the entire Schiavo case is acting on principle. How this suggests “Christophobia,” I have no idea. I could just as easily say that your willingness to see “Christophobia” in what is a rather unemotional examination of events—one that singled out as a potential problem the rhetoric of those like Terry and Mahoney, who are openly threatening Jeb Bush with political payback—smacks of anti-semitism. And presumably that charge would be just as silly as yours.

The discussion goes on in the comments: HP accuses me of parroting Dem talking points, advancing a "pagan liberal agenda," etc., but I grew bored with arguing over such insipid charges, leveled at me in the comments section of a post that in no way deserved them.

The next day, however, I tried to joke the whole thing away -- first with this post, then again here. It was after that that HP -- FOR LOVE OF GOD AND COUNTRY -- announced his grand de-linking, in an instance of blogospheric idiocy and self-importance the likes of which are seldom seen outside of an Josh Marshall post.

To that HP post -- and continuing with the irony (to wit: that none of this was about religion TO ME, but clearly it was to HP) -- I wrote this post. And then I engaged with a few TRUE religious fanatics over in HP's comments, one of them a moralizing, patronizing, anti-Semitic zealot whom I eventually called a Christhumper.

I later apologized, both here and on my site, if that compound noun offended anyone it wasn't directed at. But I also refused to apologize to the person to whom I had specifically directed it.

And there you have it.

Since that day when it all blew up, I decided to let it go. HP, on the other hand, continues to post silly (and frankly unfunny) digs at me. FOR LOVE OF GOD AND COUNTRY, presumably.

Which is fine. It's his site, and should I decide to devote my site to some HP bashing, I reserve that right. But now that he's feeling emboldened by my lack of response, I figured I'd take this opportunity to set the record straight

I called HP some nasty things after the "beenie" [sic] remark -- among them, a filthy pussy, a cumbag, et al. And I apologize for that straightforward coarseness; generally, I more creative.

But the "beenie" [sic] comment struck a nerve with me, particularly after my dealings with Cedarford* over here.

So there you have it. The complete story. Now make your own determinations as to whether or not I'm a Christophobe, if you are so inclined.

For my part, my conscience is clear.

*who is a cocksucker

Hey Goldstein,

I think you're generally in the right, but apoligizing like this:

I later apologized, both here and on my site, if that compound noun offended anyone it wasn't directed at.

is pretty fucking weak.

Your actual apology was better, and pretty manly for a guy who loves gay porn cock.

But saying "I'm sorry if you got offended," instead of "I'm sorry for being offensive to people who've done me no wrong" is a touch lame.

Again though, your original apology sufficed, and there's no need to "do over" on the mea culpa front.

There is a difference between using bigoted insults in the context of ripping on friends (or people one's friendly with, as I've tried to do with you) or ripping on someone in anger. The latter shows some genuine blackness in the soul. It's the same moral evil that Cedarford shows daily and that HP showed a peek of. Hopefully for HP, that little sliver is all there is; I can't judge him (Cedarford, on the other hand . . . ). Unfortunately you showed a bit of that darkness too. Again, given what you usually write, I'd suspect it's just a small sliver.

We are all human and fallible. I personally have a bit o the dark side myself (not in relation to religion, though). Just the way I was raised, and something I work on.

My sincere advice to you is to consider the insults you like to use in anger and think about where thet come from.

FWIW, I harbor no animosity for the humpers comment, just a "heat of anger" thing. Keep up your good work on a great and funny blog.

hobgoblin is a retard................helloooooooo, it hadda be PS'd for the rollover, moron............it's not a .gif yannow. Oh, right, you don't.

Where's my Megan???????????????????

Good idea. BA may also follow you into the recycle bin of history. My writing teacher recently ripped me a new one, telling me the time spent on BA could be used more constructively writing fiction that might actually be published in a BOOK, & wanting to know if I was serious about writing or not.

Gulp. I don't wanna be Oliver Willis

Hobgobin --

Like I said, I know my own heart and my conscience is clean. If others feel the need to judge me, or play PC police with my words, let 'em knock themselves out.

All these updates to the post suggest that this is a retirement in name only.
Admit it, you're addicted!
Short of checking yourself into a 12 step program, you're going to be pounding away at that keyboard for a good while.
See you tomorrow!

I see that Jeff is trying to misinform the masses about his "Christ-Humper" remark. I do not mean to reopen this debate, but when I see him lying it angers me.

This is the comment that Betteanne wrote that in Jeff's mind deserved to be called a "christ-humper" You be the judge.

RE: Protein Head

If you eat too much protein, your body uses fat to create an energy source for your brain. These new energy sources, called ketones, can actually slow brain function over time and harm your kidneys. So I guess this explains your dim-witted view on Terri.

I believe in God, but I am far from a religious zealot. I do not believe in organized religion and do not attend any church. This is not about religion although; the liberal media and moonbats want everyone to think it is. It is about humanity and decency.

If you are going to blog, please gather your facts and don’t answer blindly. These are the facts that cannot be disputed.

The Judge ruled it was Terri’s wish, hmm so it must be true, right Bozo? The only who testified that Terri did not want to live was Michael Shiavo and his family. When a health matter arises family members usually know the persons wishes and inform the doctors immediately. Michael suddenly remembered Terri wanted to die soon after the lawsuit that was awarded him to “care of Terri”, which was 7 years later. The reason for the malpractice suit was because he needed the money so he could care for her for the rest of her life and then decides her life should be over.

Judge Greer was unjustified and should be removed from the bench. He issued Terri's death warrant on hearsay. Michael’s testimony was not clear and convincing evidence. We are not allowing her to die; she has been ordered to die by a Judge on hearsay. Criminals cannot be convicted on hearsay, yet Terri can be starved to death on hearsay. This is sad sad day for America and humankind.

So you feel that if the judicial rules, that makes something right. The judicial system found OJ Simpson innocent, was that right? Hitler felt Jews were unworthy to live and killed them, was that right.

By the way, you are sound like those losers Moonbats over at the Democratic Underground, are you a Moonbat Republican?

Hardly a religious fanatic and there were no religious insults directed towards Jeff.

No Sondra, I'm saying the ASS was p-shopped onto the pic.; that is, I'm saying that that's NOT your ass.

False advertising, I say.

Bette Anne wrote more than that, HundredPercenter. And I linked or mentioned all the posts in this saga above, so people can decide for themselves. As for religious epithets hurled at me, start with your contributions: Christophobe, (which started all this), then onward through pagan, finished off with my "beenie" [sic] in a twist and my referring to my "Jewishness" too much. For Bette Anne's part, why leave out her previous comments?

For instance, an earlier BetteAnne comment:

I am glad to see that you had the integrity to disassociate yourself with those soulless bloggers. I use to visit those sites, but no longer will.

It does not surprise me that a culture that does not have respect when life begins, would have respect when life should end.Soulless. Part of the death culture.

RE: To The Dealth Culture

It makes me sick to see how many of you have no value for life. It also amazes me how many dumb people are on these blogs.

Do any of you think if Terri was was aked if she considers that scumbag Michael to be her husband her answer would be yes. The maim point is that creeping is speaking for her, when he should never have been considered her legal husband. He lost that right the day he broke his marriage vows.

Do you all feel comfort and safe now that Terri is close to death in a slow and agonizing death?

How would you feel as a parent watching some creep make all the decisions for a child you created.

This is a very sad day for America and a even sadder day that so many of you are calling for Terri's death.

May you all be shown the same mercy terri has been shown.

And so on.

Then, after the "beenie" [sic] remark, I got angry, and I reacted to you and to Jack and to Bette Anne (by calling Jack a semi-retard and Bette Anne a Christhumper -- a moralizing scold, a sanctimonious and presumptively preachy ass who let it be know that her feelings for Terri Schiavo were somehow stronger than mine, and that I was soulless, didn't value life, needed mercy bestowed upon me, etc. I apologized to everyone offended by that use of language. But I continue to apply it to Bette Anne.

At any rate, you are a tedious little punk who just can't seem to let this go. You started the whole thing with your Christophobe remark and have carried it on ever since. You can continue to play gotcha, or try to muddy the waters with your wounded puppy account of all this, but the fact remains: you opened up this can of worms, and to my knowledge, you have never seen fit to accept that responsibility.

And now, in the past few days, you have called me a cocksucker and a liar. And my patience with you is wearing mighty thin.

Jeff-
You are the one who posted an excuse for your insults on this thread, lets get that straight.

As far as carrying this on, I am done-- so leave it at that.

Oh, by the way, I could care two crap shots about your thinning patience.

[Edited by Smitty.

Fuck off and die, asshole. You're banned.]

The APRIL sure is a foul-mouthed piece of shit, no?

Way to leave something to die, you anonymous shit-eater.

exactly what did you find so offensive about my post? Who could possibly be offended by what i said?

thin skinned bible humpers with their beanies in a twist maybe.

why are you so sensitive? no one said I was offended, you crack-addled cocksucker.

dem just words, assmuncher

I posted no excuse for my insults. I recapped the entire thing and explained the context in which my insults were made. And apologized for some of them.

And yet you KEEP BRINGING THIS UP. On your site. Here in the comments. Everywhere. I mean, if I didn't know any better, I'd think you were looking for attention or something. FOR GOD AND COUNTRY, of course, but still.

For instance, I made a joke directed at Ace, and you jumped in to suggest I was denigrating Christianity. Again. Which is exactly how this whole thing started: your accusing me, ludicrously, of denigrating Christianity. On my site, remember? You called me a Christophobe. And even today, you continue to carry this on.

So I decided to set the record straight, and let the chips fall where they may.

okay Jeff.

Let's just walk away from this w/o insulting one another anymore. I'll quit beating the dead horse.

I don't think I understand anything anymore. Did I do something wrong? I'll be better. I promise. Please? I'll be better!