what did you have in mind? email me.

I learned how to use Audacity within about an hour after downloading it. Good stuff.

Dave, I responded to the on-site email form on the site your link led to.... so, I guess, check it, or let me know your actual email. Mine's aceofspadeshq@yahoo.com.

Okay Ace, we'll entertain your "retirement" for a few days.

As for a farewell theme, may I suggest you keep it real, and keep it "Ace"?

I mean, don't bother thanking your readers, and going all mellow about how much fun you had, and how much you learned.

Basically, don't be Andrew Sullivan.

Nope, if you're going to "retire" (wink, wink), I say you go out with guns blazing.

BRING THE HATE.

Unleash fury at everyone and everything, in a spasmodic paranoid Nixonian blogfall.

Name names. Take names. Fake names. Whatever it takes.

Seriously, don't be friendly. We've got enough friends. They're the people who aren't retiring, you lazy fuck.

You, however, are The Alpha and The Omega.

Remind us that, in the end, you're the only important blogger in the room.

And that's just the fucking way it was.

Fuck off and grow polyps,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

This better be something cool, Ace. I dont want to hear you reciting Robert Frosts "Acquainted With The Night" to the tune of Into the Night. :)

you know what? I think this motherfucker is trying to screw us out of the cash we poneyed up for his goddamn shirts. This whole 'blog' thing has been an elaborate scam right from the start. Hes just been biding his time over the last few months waiting until he had a large enough pool of suckers to mail him a fat check for a shirt they'll never see.

Mad. Blog. Money.

I bet Ace isnt even his real name.

I'd just like to say that, if it weren't for Ace's report on Bob 'En Fuego" Dole (and his cock) I'd never have been introduced to Badfinger's "If You Want It (Come and Get It)" and that, morons and retards, would have been a tragedy of the highest order.

You know, that's a good point.

Maybe he's been joking all along, and he's actually got TONS of orders for his "shirt."

Meanwhile, he's busy wiping hard drives and making for Bimini on his yacht Monkey Business.

In the end, his entire blog was a fraud, like that trading firm in the movie Boiler Room.

All this time, he's been blogging from underneath his desk.

Just go already.

Don't torture us with some crappy freaking song.

You let me down, Ace. And to think I almost named my dog Ace.

naw, you should stretch this out for months. It would be hilarious. Just a constant stream of farewell posts and theme music.

And then you could announce your comeback tour.

Actually, that dog thing was really more for entertainment value than out of any respect or admiration.

I just wanted to be able to say things like

"Bad Ace! You better than to shit on the floor, Ace. Outside! Right now!"

"Ace! Stop humping grandma's leg right now."

"Stop sniffing that dog's ass, Ace"

"Don't eat out of the cat box, Ace! Oh, now he's drinking out of the toilet!"

You know, you're not the first guy to come up with a kick ass shirt that absolutely no one bought.

Being ahead of your time is no excuse for quitting.

Look at this, and you'll know it's so:

http://www.cafepress.com/courtzero.13814281?zoom=yes#zoom

I'm hearing Peggy Lee/ Edith Piaf over Apocalyptica myself -- with that Face of God poem the pilot used to recite (back when networks used to sign off at midnight) fading in and out. Could probably use a dab of hurdy-gurdy/circus mostly at half speed to fill out the middle or if that sounds redundant with Lee/Piaf, maybe some Argentinian saxaphones.

For visuals, looping Wiley Coyote/Bugs Bunny et alia known for screeching to halt one step too many over the side of the cliff -- or in a pinch GHWBush sky diving.

If I knew how to do it, I would.

I agree with Dave and nameless up there. Bailing out on the Blogosphere after suckering us (well, not me as I've already set aside the yearly $15 that I use to patronize blogs for the blazing-pink Garfield Ridge Banana Hammock) all into ponying up for his shirts is so... Sullivanesque.

Next I suppose he'll chime back in on the latest in the gay marriage debate. This whole charade is just gob-smackingly vile.

I just bought 10 shirts just so I could cancel the order.

Sweet.

Wow, if there were ever a way to make t-shirts sell even worse... You've hit on it.

Anyway, any fake farewell posts have to threaten us with Hoke Malokey reappearances.

Nice job on the de-link. More importantly, now that you are retiring, who do you suggest carry on your Gannon watch legacy?

I'm not into fake quitting posts. I just don't like them. Damnit. All of us hit the wall and get down from time to time, but you just aren't allowed to play this game once you hit a certain point.

Either do the one and only last post, like Diplomad did, and stick to it forever and ever and ever, or explain why it's all crap like Allah managed to do after a while, or let everyone off the hook and come back tanned and rested.

Don't become the THIRD heavy hitter what I've had to save from the firey depths of blog tantrum hell, Ace. Sheesh. You guys'll be the death of me.

I can upload songs...do what you need, and even on my own bandwith ...............you know where to find me.

If you guys only got took on the t-shirts you should consider yourselves lucky. That bastard got me for 3 shirts, a complete set of Ace of Spades HQ commemorative plates, an official "Ace sings the songs of B.W. Stevenson LP, and a set of Paul Anka brand steak knives that he promised would slice like a fuckin hammer or double my money back.

So long, Ace. And good riddance!

Maybe John from WuzzaDem or Dave at Garfield Ridge will tell me what a squeek-hole is. You are useless. Go away.

Ask Richard Gere, im pretty sure he knows what a squeek hole is.

To nameless up there: you must've known, not all commemorative plates increase in value.

Damn, I'm still stuck with my McDonald's "Winter Wonderland" plate set from 1980.

Who knew that the Hamburglar skating wouldn't fetch real scratch?

Bah.

April:

Thank you. Now I can get some sleep.

Do you happen to have a phone number for Allah's sister?

When Ace goes, he's going LIKE A VIKING!
So we got to load his site into a viking raiding vessel and set it and Ace on fire.

The Hamburgler. Proof that Mayor McCheeses liberal stance on crime is part of whats wrong with America today.

damnit. my name is not "April". April is the fucking month we are living in. Im not using a name when i post. No wonder Ace is quitting.

Just kidding. Everytime that guy posts using the name "somebody" it confuses the hell out of me.

Noooo! Who else is going to give me gold to write down and repeat like "simpering fuckweasel"--what is it--Ice-T after you?

Too late. I think I'm gonna keep on using "April" as the generic name for someone too lazy to write it.

Some loose shit.

Oh yeah, I got yer theme song right here. Let's see... The Cure's "Charlotte Sometimes," and then I think that the Smith's "Please Please Please (Let Me Get What I Want)" followed by the Psychedelic Furs "Pretty In Pink," will do nicely for starters. Basically everything self-pitying teen goth girls were listening to in 1986 is up for grabs, people. Feel free to add your own suggestions.

You gotta go with "My Way" by Mr. Paul Anka. Maybe with a little Cowbell dubbed in. And a Gong at the end. Every great song ends with a gong.

Well, ace, it's too bad that your bandwidth costs have gotten so out of hand, but I guess it was inevitable.

Have fun in P-Town with the boyfriend and the beagle!

ok... I have the platinum amex out.... how many zeros will it take to keep you going????

It's a good thing I didn't buy that 3-month blogad last week.

Douche.

Nice job on the de-link. More importantly, now that you are retiring, who do you suggest carry on your Gannon watch legacy?

At least you got delinked. He promised to fix old links for some of us and never did.

P.S. HP, your site is fugly.

I know what's up:

Ace finally met a woman who "understands" his FanCon lifestyle. Look for a new blog - something along the lines of "Gary Groth Watch!" - to appear in the next few weeks.

I wish him well. Rare is the woman who won't try to comb the Sweetarts out of her man's beard.

Are we gonna get a reason, Ace, or what? Why the fuck do I want a shirt of a defunct website? Why do I want a shirt of any god damned website?

Oh wait, because you are hilarious and have brightened many of my days. 20 dollars for a shirt is ridiculous, but I spent it anyway. I guess it's an expensive dishrag now?

Alan

Oh, and before I forget:

"Nice job on the de-link."

You're quite a douche, HP.

Alan

"I just think you should go out on top."

Yeah, Yeah, you never know where the top is until your career is freefalling.

No more mad blog money, no more porn stars bouncing on your knob night after night after crazy parties at Ace's Mansion.

The only porn stars you'll be seeing will be male and called your "co-star" as you try and drum up enough money to keep up the supply of crank, and maybe save your mini-petting zoo from the repo man because hell, you never know where your next meal will be coming from.

This better not be some fake post with an over announced 'comeback' tour because once that door closes you are fucking dead to me. DEAD!

BTW, is it me, or does the Dusty Girl look like the future Mrs Frank J (i.e. SarahK) of IMAO fame?

In case anyone is really worried, your pal Smitty is assuring you this is a GOOF.

It was a throwaway line that developed into a full-blown prank when Instapundit linked the post. At that point, Ace probably thought he should run with it a little bit.

What about that screenplay getting pimped at the Sundance?

Did someone lock up a sweet deal, with a fat up-front bonus?

Hmmmm...

Good, so now I can get the guys some fuckin' shirts!

P.S. HP, your site is fugly

Coming from you-- I take that as a compliment.

Why oh Why?
Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?
:(
I'm sorry I haven't told you how much I love
reading your site. Yes, I'm a seekrit fan.

::sniff::
It's not to late to change your mind.
Just take a little vacation. :)

OKOKOKOKOK

I bought your fucking T-shirt!

Now can I get some sleep?

Ahoy there smitty, tis a regular glutton for punishment makes coy admissions in his own comments. We suggest a major huddle with Allah on staging a pyrotechic event when you announce your comeback. Only bread & circuses can save you now.

This looks like bad news to me!

Den Beste, Diplomad, Allah and now Ace? Say it ain't so. This leaves only Drudge and Instapundit of my original top daily reads.

Good Luck, Ace and hopefully we will hear from you.

Guys, seriously, it's a goof. It was a throwaway line that accidentally became a prank when Instapundit linked it.

The only reason Ace isn't copping to it, I imagine, is that he's waiting for See-Dubya to finish his "farewell theme," which only makes sense if he's still, er, "retired."

Plus he's trying to think of something funny to do with this premise that seems to have fallen into his lap.

At least that's what I would assume.

I don't do this for a living. This is all, like, new to me.

Not that I would know -- I'm just an old man who's into fishin', whittlin', and gay pornography -- but the problem is that Ace seems to have blundered into a prank he wasn't actually ready to follow through on, but he feels the need to continue this prank, since it's there.

He's kind of stalling at the moment. I would guess. Until he can think of something.

And he sort of wants people to stop thinking he's really retiring, but he sort of wants them to play along when he posts his Farewell Theme and such.

Again, this is just my speculation.

And he definitely wants them to keep buying t-shirts.

Ummm, not really, no. I would guess that Ace now views the t-shirts as a lost cause and is chiefly attempting to show best efforts towards RockNClothing.

Ace, I would imagine, thought he'd sell a lot of t-shirts and make a nice chunk of change. He now thinks, and I'm guessing here, he's making not much more than a hundred bucks on t-shirts, or a little more, and a couple of extra t-shirts sold here and there really don't matter very much.

Basically, you should only buy a t-shirt if you actually want one.

That's what Ace would want. Don't buy a t-shirt just to throw him some money; if you want to just throw him some money, toss $5.00 into the PayPal; that's probably more than his cut per shirt anyhow (depending on how the accounting goes).

And don't toss money around, anyway, just to keep Ace from "retiring." His "retirement" wasn't out of frustration; it was a silly joke he put into a post and then suddenly found he had a full-blown prank/stunt on his hands. He's not depressed and he's not trolling for t-shirts or money. He's just in the middle of a not very well thought out prank.

Again, this is all my speculation.

As Ace is fond of certain quotes from The Way of the Gun, I think his current predicament can best be summarized by Benecio Del Toro: "We're not 'plans' kinds of guys."

This is all just the ramblings of an old man who once palled around with a foul-mouthed time-travelling baloney sandwich. Make of it what you will.

Smitty, will you shut the hell up already? You're ruining a good joke.

Damn, there's some loose shit out today...

quiet smitty, you're hurting the tshirt sales

DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD, THE WICKED WITCH, THE WITCH IS DEAD, DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH IS DEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAD!!!

Thank you Ace.

Smitty ruining the joke? Hey, some of us desperately needed assurance that it WAS a joke, so we thank you, "Smitty".

Besides, now that Hoke Malokey has made a post, the joke is pretty much over anyway.

I knew that the "greatest post ever" was not that great of a post in the first place, but for a while I actually thought Ace might have done that to make a humorous exit. Proclaiming something that's kind of lame as a high point you couldn't possibly ever top would kind of be a funny way to go out, wouldn't it? That's what worried me.

It did make me realize that I really enjoy this site and would hate to see it go. I've been meaning to create a blog budget for a while and tip a few of my favorite sites every year, so I thought I'd start now by throwing $20 into Ace's tip jar. And, yes, I also bought a moronshirt while I was at it.

Amen Bob,

Look - stupid testimonial time. I LIKE your stupid blog. I really don't want to search for another. Ya wanna know how long it takes to troll for semi-intelligent bandwith?

Good luck with the plan "Smitty". Personally, I see something with a car chase and a dramatic re-entrance - I dunno . . . ACE RELOADED.

OH ACE ... my life has lost all meaning ... that's IT, my blog goes black until you're back. Or, until blogspot gets it's shit together- cause I can't edit anyway.

Is that what this is all about? The damn t-shirts?

Ace, your blog is perfect for us young people not ready to settle into the nerdy (but informative) LGF, Powerline, and Hewitt blogs.

What the hell is a bleg?

hey, um, "Smitty" (Worst. Character. Ever.),

I think the flamewar recap post needs to have this one added as an "Update"

"The only porn stars you'll be seeing will be male and called your "co-star" as you try and drum up enough money to keep up the supply of crank"

from Delphi Guy ^^^

damn, that was a well crafted insult.

The flamewar recap would then qualifty for a "reposting" to continue the Ace-o-Spades lifestyle

Farewell Theme? How 'bout:

FAREWELL JOHNNY COCKROACH

- may you get what's coming to you.

The theme had better include hybrid children watching the sea. That's just. The fucking. Way. It is.