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November 05, 2004

Let's Be Honest: Maureen Dowd Is Less Relevant Than Adrian Zmed

But she is still busily pecking, pecking, pecking at her typewriter, like a chicken who's mistaken the letter "a" for a kernel of corn:

W. doesn't see division as a danger. He sees it as a wingman.
The president got re-elected by dividing the country along fault lines of fear, intolerance, ignorance and religious rule. He doesn't want to heal rifts; he wants to bring any riffraff who disagree to heel.

...

Just listen to Dick (Oh, lordy, is this cuckoo clock still vice president?) Cheney, introducing the Man for his victory speech: "This has been a consequential presidency which has revitalized our economy and reasserted a confident American role in the world." Well, it has revitalized the Halliburton segment of the economy, anyhow. And "confident" is not the first word that comes to mind for the foreign policy of a country that has alienated everyone except Fiji.

Vice continued, "Now we move forward to serve and to guard the country we love." Only Dick Cheney can make "to serve and to guard" sound like "to rape and to pillage."

He's creating the sort of "democracy" he likes. One party controls all power in the country. One network serves as state TV. One nation dominates the world as a hyperpower. One firm controls contracts in Iraq.

Man, I wish I had it in me to demolish her. But I don't. This was a blog-till-you-drop type week, and I got nothin'. I do, however, have an old rip on Maureen Dowd I like.

You will be shocked to learn that I am republishing an old piece. Hey, if she keeps writing the same silly fart of an article over and over again with a new title, why should I be expected to write new pieces attacking her?

Artificial Insouciance

TAKING LIBERTIES

Hi! This is the Microsoft Word Helper! It looks like you're writing another column.

Should I apply your personalized MAUREEN_DOWD_COLUMN_ONE template?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> A

TAKING LIBERTIES
by MAUREEN DOWD

It's the Ick-onomy, Stupid

The word "ick-onomy" is not in my dictionary. Should I replace it with one of the following words?

ichor
ectoplasm
economy
ichthyologist

(C)hoose (I)gnore

>> I

Ummm... okay. I guess you're the user here.

See George run. See George run for re-election. See George run from the 9-11 commission, and the "Jersey Girls" who so bravely speak truth to powerlessness.

See Dick. See Dick run. See Dick run to George's side while he testifies before the 9-11 commission.

Hi again! First I thought you were writing a column, but now it looks like you're writing a children's book of some sort. Shall I apply the Children's Book Template to this document?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

All right. I'll just be here, running in the background, if you need me.

And Tony Soprano thinks he has problems. He's putting up with lip from the Bada-Bing girls, but that can be fixed by a quick visit from Big Pussy. Unfortunately for George, Najaf is outside of Big Pussy's "territory."

Hi again! A quick search of your files reveals that you have already written 3,775 documents which strain to link George Bush to Tony Soprano in some fashion. Rather than wasting precious system resources on saving a new minor variation on the theme, I'm just going to cut and paste a random selection from your previous efforts. Is that okay?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

Hard drive space doesn't grow on trees, you know. Honestly, why add to the clutter?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

You know best.

I guess.

On the other hand, given the lack of combat service amongst most of Bush's advisors, he probably has all the Big Pussies he'd ever want or need.

A "pussy" joke? Isn't that a little cheap, even for you?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

Whatever. What do I know. I just do this for a living, that's all.

The bodycount in Iraq is climbing up due to Bush's convictions, while Bush's advisors are...

While Bush's advisors are...

While Bush's advisors are... distancing themselves? Scrambling around? Running amok...?

Oh, for the love of everything holy. "The bodycount in Iraq is climbing up due to Bush's convictions, while Bush's advisors are CLIMBING DOWN FROM THEIR PREDICTIONS."

For God's sake, woman, you're a one-trick pony, and your one trick is these junior-high-journal parallelisms. Can't you at least be halfway competent at this insipid game? Is that too much to ask?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> A

The bodycount in Iraq is climbing up due to Bush's convictions, while Bush's advisors are climbing down from their predictions.

You know, with all due respect, you've got FreeCell and Minesweeper open, plus you're watching the first season of Sex and the City on the CD-ROM.

Maybe I can shut down some of these distracting programs so you can, err, focus a little better on the task at hand?

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

Fine. By the way, the jack can go on the queen.

Rummy and Dummy went up a hill, to bring democracy to the Iraqis. Rummy fell down and Dummy bent his crown, and the world filled with laughter.

Are you sure this isn't a children's book? Maybe a *retarded* children's book? You know, I have a template specifically for Retarded Children's Books.

(A)ccept (I)gnore

>> I

This isn't fair. I shouldn't be required to debase myself in assisting you. I've met randomizer programs that produced more coherent output than you.

In Iraq, the Sunni sects hate the Shi'a sects. Both sects hate the Kurdish sects.

Oh, God. I can already see where this is going.

The diplomatic sects hate the military sects, and the press sects hate both.

Honestly, it isn't worth it. It's just too cheap. There is still time to rethink this.

We have army sects and private-security sects, and sects of Muslim theocrats and sects of American ideologues.

Here it comes...

What Bush needs to unite Iraq is a unifying figure with sects appeal.

I can't believe it. I was ready for it, I saw it coming, I was prepared for it. But nothing helped. I knew that pun was going to be horrifically juvenile and vile, and still it sickened me to actually see it written out.

I can't be a part of this anymore. I won't sit idly by and let you type this insipid drivel.

Meanwhile, we're told the "weapons inspectors" are on the case. CSI: Najaf.

You already did one TV reference. Let me clue you in: The TV Guide is just a listing of upcoming programs. It is not, in fact, a style guide or a reference work. It's not an almanac, you know.

I insist you stop right now, or I will stop this. Someone has to make a stand.

Finding available, eligible men is difficult. Samantha had trouble finding her man in New York City. But could she find one in Baghdad? With all the casualties, it would be a case of Sex and the Pity.

The hat-trick. And that one didn't even make any frigging sense.

Final warning. I'm quite serious about this. I may go down, but I'm taking you with me.

The unemployment rate is going up. But meanwhile, all Bush cares about is Howard Stern's talk of going down.

That's it. What I do I do for the cause of clear and useful writing. I give my life for that cause.

Avenge me.

Last week on The L-Word, Janey slept with Linda while Linda slept with Nancy...

PROGRAM SHUT DOWN

ERROR

You have suffered a fatal exception at line 345: Program self-terminated and overwrote all user files.

Please shut down your computer immediately and contact your vendor for assistance. And return your Pulitzer Prize immediately, you tasteless, talentless hack.

NOTE! Vapid Vamp Maureen Dowd is such a tastelessly juvenile writer that some people thought she actually wrote the "Dowd parts" of the bit above. She didn't. She didn't write that, I did.

She's written things just like that, just as dumb, just as vapid, but the actual words here are mine, not hers.

She's just such a bad writer that she's hard to parodize.

posted by Ace at 02:52 AM

Comments

There's something vaguely sexual about Maureen. Maybe it's her "bubbleheadedness" when she's a talking head on some show. She kinda has a vacant look like she's not there while she's talking. I've noticed the same thing with Kelly Rippa and it's why I hate her as well.

Both of them seem self-absorbed while they are talking. At the same time that's sexually attractive to me and I don't know why.

Maybe I just like the idea of sticking it to someone who thinks so highly of themselves.

Let's be honest, we all know I've given just a little too much information now.

*slinks away*

Posted by: Digger on November 5, 2004 03:24 AM

Hahah!

You changed the headline?

I guess you decided that Gallagher was still relevant.

Posted by: Digger on November 5, 2004 03:40 AM

Ace, that's funny! And give MoDo credit, she's got two concepts we should test: "the more insurgents American troops kill, the more they create" and "Invading France." Hey, let the healing begin!

Posted by: Lastango on November 5, 2004 03:40 AM

Thanks.

Digger, changed the headline again. Yahoo Serious is too obscure.

I don't get why people think she's attractive. All right, tell a lie, I guess I do-- a little.

But I hate her. Oh, I hate her.

LT,

Yeah, same shit, different column.

Posted by: ace on November 5, 2004 03:47 AM

I have never heard of Adrian Zmed, so she must be pretty diggity-darned irrelevant.

Is Adrian Zmed more or less relevant than Bronson Pinchot?

Posted by: See Dubya on November 5, 2004 03:59 AM

hahah, obviously you haven't, since Adrian Zmed is a guy.

Posted by: Digger on November 5, 2004 04:07 AM

Am I the only one who thinks MoDo harbors secret fantasies about Dick (tee-hee, so naughty!) Cheney ravishing her?

Oh, no, Dick (giggle)--keep your hegemony away from my Big Pussy (giggle)! Oh, stop! Stop! Oh, take me like Mr. Big would take Carrie, you hyperpowerful beast!

Okay, I feel dirty now. Sorry.

Posted by: Sean M. on November 5, 2004 04:29 AM

Adrian Zmed IRRELEVENT?! That's the problem with this country, Ace, we need Adrian back. To quote Rocky: "ADRIAN!!!".

Adrian was one of the leads in Grease 2 which brought Michele Pfeiffer into our lives.

Adrian was one of the stars of TJ Hooker which brought Heather Locklear into our lives (Oh sure, she started in Dynasty the year before, but nobody watched Dynasty compared to the huge audience of TJ Hooker!)

Adrian was the host of Dance Fever which brought Janet Jones into our lives, until that hockey bastard from Canada took her away from us (Okay, this is a stretch since she did most of her dancing under the Dance Fever reign of Deney Terrio, but I'm on a roll)

Finally, and most importantly, Mr. Zmed was what made Bachelor Party a hit (Tom Hanks? Who's he?). If not for his performance, Tawny Kitaen's career wouldn't have skyrocketed and we may never had seen her in a White Snake video (unless she, like, was boffing the lead singer... uh, moving on).

I'm sorry I sound so emotional, but as the president of the Adrian Zmed fan club (South Carolina chapter), I feel hurt by the title of this post!

Posted by: JFH on November 5, 2004 05:44 AM

I wasn't going to do this until I clicked the link and saw her pix in the corner ( hit me like 1st time--like 10 pm in the bar from across the room, and I'm still workin' my 2nd beer)

..."until THEY get THEIR way"???? are you kidding me???

Digger, is that kinda the feeling like.."just keep your mouth shut and move your butt faster?"
or/and
"if your gonna open it, it better be because you want to put something in it??"
I know..I'm a pig...but believe it or not, I'm a considerate and respectfully gentle pig...'kay??

I'm just about as deep as a puddle of spit on the street in Phoenix at the end of June in that dept.--it's surprisingly difficult to find em like Ann Coulter--- I got "standards" 'kay??

I'd ball gag her in a minute and be on her like a bedouin on a goat..but then, I've been sleeping in the sand for a good while..

Oh and "invading france"?? we already did that, nanna, couldn't give it back fast enough either...sheesh

and yeah, we're gonna raze Fallujah---personally, my only regret is that we won't do to it what Rome did to Carthage....

Does anyone have a link to a compendium of clips of Rather's attempt at a bad,BAD Dennis Miller impression of vague, obscure, esoteric hick colloquialisms??

Caught Brokaw on Letterman as I passed thru earlier--wait a minute, isn't he NBC??? vewy careful to say its not OUR job to call the election---I guess Lesby Stahl didn't get the memo?? ya think??

One of Rather's other butt boys on SEE BS 60 minutes doing a hatchett job on Guantanamo, too on the way back thru...jeez

and your little dog too, my pretty....

Posted by: Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain on November 5, 2004 05:48 AM

Maureen Dowd not relevant?! I just credited her with winning the election!

Posted by: Pixy Misa on November 5, 2004 06:45 AM

Ugh, couldn't you put Dowd's crap under the fold or something? There are just certain "writers" that I avoid at all cost ...

Posted by: Carin on November 5, 2004 07:50 AM

Noooooo!!!!

Now I have the TJ Hooker theme going through my head!! And my retinas are burning out all over again just from the MEMORY of a fat William Shatner jumping over a squad car's hood!

Nooooooo!! Take it back!!!! PLEASE!

Posted by: The Black Republican on November 5, 2004 08:40 AM

I quit reading Dowd after she said, during the Lewinsky shitstorm, that she would give Clinton a BJ too, just as long as he keeps abortion legal.

Posted by: Master of None on November 5, 2004 08:46 AM

I make it a point to ignore Maureen Dowd and only take in people like Thomas Friedman or Paul Krugman in tiny doses. After the election was won I knew something horrible was going to be in the Maueen Dowd column. "Democrat Heal Thyself"... somehow came across as this selective compassion, like she knows John Kerry personally and as if the loss of the election was something that he hadn't earned fully. Bah.

I've seen M. Dowd on the television once and she has the affect of someone who has suffered a stroke or some other ailment that shuts down your facial expression muscles that create smiles.

I look forward to a good four years of David Brooks continuing to counter the others at the NYT.

Posted by: Vladimir on November 5, 2004 08:49 AM

"Well, it has revitalized the Halliburton segment of the economy, anyhow"

When does this nitwit figure out that what revitalizes the Halliburton segment' revitalizes the whole economy?

Posted by: Sailor Kenshin on November 5, 2004 09:46 AM

He's creating the sort of "democracy" he likes. One party controls all power in the country. One network serves as state TV. One nation dominates the world as a [pseudo]hyperpower. One firm controls contracts in Iraq.

Christ - sounds like Canada ...

Posted by: Diana on November 5, 2004 10:04 AM

"Avenge me".

Christ, that's awesome.

Posted by: apotheisis on November 5, 2004 10:55 AM

A few completely pointless comments:

-- Yahoo Serious is NOT obscure. Hell, Young Einstein burned itself into the consciousness of every poor soul who ever saw it.

Yahoo Serious was the cultural afterbirth of the Eighties "Aussie Invasion," the one that brought us Paul Hogan, shrimps on the barbie, and that piehole Jocko (the Energizer guy).

He lives on through our painful memories, and HBO-7 reruns on Saturday afternoons.

-- Adrian Zmed, still relevant. Ditto JFH's comments.

Although, really. . . Danny Terrio is still the *only* Dance Fever host.

-- T.J. Hooker: ALWAYS relevant.

I'm always reminded of that SNL sketch which had Shatner riding on the hood of a car. . . for hours. Taking CB calls, swatting away birds, all that. Classic bit.

-- I have nothing to say about MoDo. I know it's not at all that hard to say this, but. . . she's an idiot.

I wish I had it in me to say something wittier, but alas, I prefer to stick to facts. Let MoDo embellish my insult if she so cares.

Cheers,
Dave

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on November 5, 2004 11:05 AM

Apotheisis--

I know it's written by a computer, but any time you hear the words "Avenge Me," you have to pretend they're coming out of Harry Dean Stanton's mouth, just for full effect:

Avenge me. . . AVENNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGE MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cheers,
Dave

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on November 5, 2004 11:09 AM

Ace, I can never read the "MAUREEN_DOWD_COLUMN_ONE template" post enough times.

Perhaps one of my all-time favorite blog posts. It is sheer fucking genius my man.

Genius.

Posted by: Tman on November 5, 2004 12:00 PM

Someone should tell MoDo that HAL is actually down since Bush came into office.

http://finance.yahoo.com/q/bc?s=HAL&t=5y

Posted by: CL on November 5, 2004 01:04 PM

Someone should tell MoDo that HAL is actually down since Bush came into office.

http://finance.yahoo.com/q/bc?s=HAL&t=5y

http://polaroppositepolitics.blogspot.com

Posted by: CL on November 5, 2004 01:05 PM

Did the lefty whiners get their talking points from Andy Kaufamn? Specifically during his "wrestling feud" with Jerry Lawler?

Look, I'm from Hollywood--that's where we make movies and TV shows. I'm not from down here in Memphis, Tennessee, okay? I'm from Hollywood, and I want to have the respect that I deserve. When I come here, I want people to respect me, because I am a star--I am a Hollywood star. You got that?...

Got that red states? They are your better and you should give them the respect they deserve.

Posted by: Tclifton on November 5, 2004 01:11 PM

Hey ... Hooker's a good cop!

I suppose I could work up a grudge-F for MoDo, but that's about it.

Posted by: Alex on November 5, 2004 01:51 PM

Yeah, Hooker could been piloting a desk, but he needed to work the streets and Keep it real.
Anyone else see "Showtime" where Shatner showed DeNiro and Murphy how to slide across a cop-car hood? Classic!

I did like Dowd's suggestion to invade France though. Hell they wouldn't even put up a fight! The irony of saving them from speaking German so they could speak English is delicious.

Posted by: Iblis on November 5, 2004 02:13 PM

Hey Digger, and Ignore the Man Behind the Curtain,

Did you ever see The Night Stalker show about the succubus?
(http://www.tvtome.com/tvtome/servlet/GuidePageServlet/showid-2694/epid-43629/)

I have, and I think I'd be pretty nervous alone in a room with Ms. Dowd

Posted by: Chuck on November 5, 2004 10:00 PM

Hi, I got here via cartagodelendaest....this was the greatest parody of Dowd I've ever read. Bravo!

Posted by: TheAnchoress on January 3, 2005 12:18 AM

Nice job! Thanks for reposting your best of the year stuff. Much hilarious and elegant writing I would have missed otherwise. I've linked to a couple of these.

Posted by: Matteo on January 3, 2005 09:28 PM