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November 02, 2004

Voter Guide-- Addendum

Reader-submitted issue guidance to help you make your choice tomorrow, plus a couple I thought of my own self. In ~~some~~ most cases, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge to edit/tweak.

Don't hate me.

STAR TREK CAPTAIN

BUSH: Come on, easy-- The Captain. The only captain.
KERRY: Either Jean Luc or Janeway, or maybe that black dude that used to play Hawk on Spencer: For Hire. He just can't make up his mind. Take a poll and decide if we need to kiss up to women or blacks or the French this week. (by Nick Kronos)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE

BUSH: Commando
KERRY: Junior (by Nick Kronos)

AUTOMOBILE

BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
KERRY: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "I Brake for Snail-Darters" bumper stickers. (by See-Dubya)

MILITARY HERO

BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson
KERRY: "Hawkeye" Pearce, "Jenjis Khan," that snivelling little pussy writer from Saving Private Ryan (Nick Kronos)

REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC

BUSH: Dr. Pepper
KERRY: Mr. Pibb's (by See-Dubya)

STAR TREK VILLAIN

BUSH: Khaaaaan!!!
KERRY: Those dipshits on that hippie world where everyone gets stoned off the pollen of the alien plants and sits around singing Scarsboro Fair and going to "snuggle parties"

60's TV CHICKS

BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia
KERRY: That Girl, Mrs. "Lovey" Howell, Jan (by Nick Kronos)

FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT

BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid
KERRY: When Meg Ryan shows up at the end of Sleepless in Seattle (suggested by Nick Kronos)

ANDROID

BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop)
KERRY: Human protocol droid C-3PO (also "Johnny-5" from Short Circuit) (by Stumbo)

COMIC STRIP CHARACTER

BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes)
KERRY: Billy in Family Circus running one of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B; Mary Worth; Cathy; Dondi (by Lord Floppington)

DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
KERRY: "I don't know if you've been paying attention, man, but we just got our asses kicked! Game over, man! Game over!" (by Krakatoa)

CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET"

BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket
KERRY: reminds him his wife owns Nantucket (by Stumbo)

KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR"

BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got.
KERRY: I'll talk to this Humungous fellow! He's a reasonable man! Open to negotiation! (by bbeck with latter quote contributed by small car guy)*

CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA

BUSH: Godzilla
KERRY: Those two tiny twin women who live in box and sing songs to Mothra (also: Godzooky)

HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN

BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own)
KERRY: "nuance" -- Warrant's Every Rose Has Its Thorn

* I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote.

posted by Ace at 03:11 AM

Comments

I just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice.

Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM

I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office.

Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship.

Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM

You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy.

Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM

Automobile

Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy.

Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM

Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon.

Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM

Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always.

Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM

Better than the Mothra women.

Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.)

Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh.

Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM

Did Anyone do LOTR character?

Bush: Theoden
Kerry: Denethor

Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM

Ace,

Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace.

And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace.

I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me....

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM


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Take a poll and decide if we need to kiss up to women or blacks or the French this week. (by Nick Kronos) ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE BUSH: Commando KERRY: Junior (by Nick Kronos) AUTOMOBILE BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps KERRY: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "I Brake for Snail-Darters" bumper stickers. (by See-Dubya) MILITARY HERO BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson KERRY: "Hawkeye" Pearce, "Jenjis Khan," that snivelling little pussy writer from Saving Private Ryan (Nick Kronos) REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC BUSH: Dr. Pepper KERRY: Mr. Pibb's (by See-Dubya) STAR TREK VILLAIN BUSH: Khaaaaan!!! KERRY: Those dipshits on that hippie world where everyone gets stoned off the pollen of the alien plants and sits around singing Scarsboro Fair and going to "snuggle parties" 60's TV CHICKS BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia KERRY: That Girl, Mrs. "Lovey" Howell, Jan (by Nick Kronos) FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid KERRY: When Meg Ryan shows up at the end of Sleepless in Seattle (suggested by Nick Kronos) ANDROID BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop) KERRY: Human protocol droid C-3PO (also "Johnny-5" from Short Circuit) (by Stumbo) COMIC STRIP CHARACTER BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes) KERRY: Billy in Family Circus running one of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B; Mary Worth; Cathy; Dondi (by Lord Floppington) DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum." KERRY: "I don't know if you've been paying attention, man, but we just got our asses kicked! Game over, man! Game over!" (by Krakatoa) CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET" BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket KERRY: reminds him his wife owns Nantucket (by Stumbo) KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR" BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got. KERRY: I'll talk to this Humungous fellow! He's a reasonable man! Open to negotiation! (by bbeck with latter quote contributed by small car guy)* CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA BUSH: Godzilla KERRY: Those two tiny twin women who live in box and sing songs to Mothra (also: Godzooky) HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own) KERRY: "nuance" -- Warrant's Every Rose Has Its Thorn * I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote. posted by Ace at 03:11 AM Comments I just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice. Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office. Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship. Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy. Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM Automobile Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy. Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon. Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always. Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM Better than the Mothra women. Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.) Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh. Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM Did Anyone do LOTR character? Bush: Theoden Kerry: Denethor Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM Ace, Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace. And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace. I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me.... Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM Post a comment Name: Email Address: URL: Comments: Remember info?	Now Available! 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