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November 02, 2004
Voter Guide-- AddendumReader-submitted issue guidance to help you make your choice tomorrow, plus a couple I thought of my own self. In Don't hate me. STAR TREK CAPTAIN BUSH: Come on, easy-- The Captain. The only captain. ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE BUSH: Commando AUTOMOBILE BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps MILITARY HERO BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC BUSH: Dr. Pepper STAR TREK VILLAIN BUSH: Khaaaaan!!! 60's TV CHICKS BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid
BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop) COMIC STRIP CHARACTER BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes) DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum." CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET" BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR" BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got. CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA BUSH: Godzilla HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own) * I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote. posted by Ace at 03:11 AM
CommentsI just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice. Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM
I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office. Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship. Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM
You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy. Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM
Automobile Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy. Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM
Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon. Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM
Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always. Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM
Better than the Mothra women. Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.) Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh. Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM
Did Anyone do LOTR character? Bush: Theoden Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM
Ace, Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace. And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace. I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me.... Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM
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| The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines
Money Wired to Mexico Hits a Decade Low as US Immigration Policies Take Hold
Now bump the fee to 10%, and mandate proof of legal residence for all money transfers out of the United States [CBD] ![]()
"As the discussion continued, Fox News host Charlie Hurt asked Trump directly to confirm there will be no U.S. troops involved in this potential security umbrella for Ukraine. "Well, you have my assurance, and I'm president," Trump replied."
Good! I hope I am wrong! [CBD]
Lost Seventies Mystery Click: The Darkest Song Ever Recorded?
I think Professor of Rock (on YouTube) claimed this song was so upsetting that people used to pull over to the side of the road when it came on the radio. It's about a fatal plane crash, but obviously it suggests a fatal car crash too, which could wig out a driver. It's like one of those nasty 70s anti-war body horror movies. Not for the squeamish. I'm not even going to post the lyrics because they're upsetting too.
Compilation of Naked Gun intros
That theme gets me charged. Compilation of all Police Squad! openings. They're all the same except for the last few seconds where they reveal the Special Guest Star and the title(s).
Pitch Meeting: Amazon's new, terrible War of the Worlds
I don't know why these tech monopolists spend so much money on ripoff/sequel/remake slop. I like popcorn entertainment but is it legally required to be terrible?
Lost 90s Mystery Click: College Radio Edition
Well you look fantastic in your cast-off casket At least the thing still runs This nine to five bullshit don't let you forget Whose suicide you're on. Also: You wax poetic about things pathetic As long as you look so cute Believe these hills are starting to roll Believe these stars are starting to shoot ![]()
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Garrett's Favorite Band Edition
Everybody wants you Everybody wants your love I'd just like to make you mine, all mine
Baylor Coach Dave Aranda Apologizes for 'Ableism' After Using the Word 'Midget'
Well, he is also disabled...he is a eunuch [CBD] I'm frankly surprised the title is 107 Days. I would have thought it would be:
Soft weak poop from the early 80s Mystery Click
I never liked this song, but it is memorable. In a weak, annoying way. The kid's in shock up and down the block The folks are home playing beat the clock Down at the golden cup They set the young ones up Under the neon light Selling day for night It's alright Nobody rides for free (nobody, nobody) Nobody gets it like they want it to be (nobody, nobody) Nobody hands you any guarantee (nobody, nobody) Nobody
Flashback: UCLA allows terror-supporting thugs to set up and maintain checkpoints to keep Jews out of campus buildings
More video of the anti-Jewish checkpoints A major university allowed this and defended this. Recent Comments
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Thanksgivingmanship: How to Deal With Your Spoiled Stupid Leftist Adultbrat Relatives Who Have Spent Three Months Reading Slate and Vox Learning How to Deal With You You're Fired! Donald Trump Grills the 2004 Democrat Candidates and Operatives on Their Election Loss Bizarrely I had a perfect Donald Trump voice going in 2004 and then literally never used it again, even when he was running for president. A Eulogy In Advance for Former Lincoln Project Associate and Noted Twitter Pestilence Tom Nichols Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: If You Touch My Sandwich One More Time, I Will Fvcking Kill You Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: I Must Eat Jim Acosta Special Guest Blogger Tom Friedman: We Need to Talk About What My Egyptian Cab Driver Told Me About Globalization Shortly Before He Began to Murder Me Special Guest Blogger Bernard Henri-Levy: I rise in defense of my very good friend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Note: Later events actually proved Dominique Strauss-Kahn completely innocent. The piece is still funny though -- if you pretend, for five minutes, that he was guilty. The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility The Dowd-O-Matic! The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) Archives
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