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November 02, 2004

Voter Guide-- Addendum

Reader-submitted issue guidance to help you make your choice tomorrow, plus a couple I thought of my own self. In ~~some~~ most cases, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge to edit/tweak.

Don't hate me.

STAR TREK CAPTAIN

BUSH: Come on, easy-- The Captain. The only captain.
KERRY: Either Jean Luc or Janeway, or maybe that black dude that used to play Hawk on Spencer: For Hire. He just can't make up his mind. Take a poll and decide if we need to kiss up to women or blacks or the French this week. (by Nick Kronos)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE

BUSH: Commando
KERRY: Junior (by Nick Kronos)

AUTOMOBILE

BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
KERRY: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "I Brake for Snail-Darters" bumper stickers. (by See-Dubya)

MILITARY HERO

BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson
KERRY: "Hawkeye" Pearce, "Jenjis Khan," that snivelling little pussy writer from Saving Private Ryan (Nick Kronos)

REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC

BUSH: Dr. Pepper
KERRY: Mr. Pibb's (by See-Dubya)

STAR TREK VILLAIN

BUSH: Khaaaaan!!!
KERRY: Those dipshits on that hippie world where everyone gets stoned off the pollen of the alien plants and sits around singing Scarsboro Fair and going to "snuggle parties"

60's TV CHICKS

BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia
KERRY: That Girl, Mrs. "Lovey" Howell, Jan (by Nick Kronos)

FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT

BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid
KERRY: When Meg Ryan shows up at the end of Sleepless in Seattle (suggested by Nick Kronos)

ANDROID

BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop)
KERRY: Human protocol droid C-3PO (also "Johnny-5" from Short Circuit) (by Stumbo)

COMIC STRIP CHARACTER

BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes)
KERRY: Billy in Family Circus running one of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B; Mary Worth; Cathy; Dondi (by Lord Floppington)

DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
KERRY: "I don't know if you've been paying attention, man, but we just got our asses kicked! Game over, man! Game over!" (by Krakatoa)

CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET"

BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket
KERRY: reminds him his wife owns Nantucket (by Stumbo)

KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR"

BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got.
KERRY: I'll talk to this Humungous fellow! He's a reasonable man! Open to negotiation! (by bbeck with latter quote contributed by small car guy)*

CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA

BUSH: Godzilla
KERRY: Those two tiny twin women who live in box and sing songs to Mothra (also: Godzooky)

HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN

BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own)
KERRY: "nuance" -- Warrant's Every Rose Has Its Thorn

* I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote.

posted by Ace at 03:11 AM

Comments

I just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice.

Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM

I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office.

Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship.

Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM

You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy.

Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM

Automobile

Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy.

Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM

Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon.

Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM

Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always.

Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM

Better than the Mothra women.

Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.)

Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh.

Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM

Did Anyone do LOTR character?

Bush: Theoden
Kerry: Denethor

Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM

Ace,

Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace.

And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace.

I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me....

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM

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Top Headlines

Those of you who are longtime Not Watchers of Stephen Colbert will not enjoy this flashback of Colbert dancing with Chuck Schumer while wearing ostentatious covid masks

Rush Limbaugh was an innovator in so many ways, including being among the first to not watch Stephen Colbert

DNI Tulsi Gabbard tenders her resignation for June 30, says her husband has been diagnosed with a rare bone cancer and she will have to help him through this

TJM definitively ranks the films of Sam Peckinpah.

Podcast: CBD and Jim Lakely of The Heartland Institute chat about Heartland's two recent discussions: The affordability crisis in America, and The UN retreating from their most maniacal climate projections. Along the way we talk Democrat insanity and the changing electoral map...and more!

TJM discusses the violence of Sam Peckinpah.

After threatening that the "clock is ticking" for renewed strikes on Iran, Trump once again calls them off to give negotiating a chance.
I can't even cover this any more. It's embarrassing. It's like covering the endless negotiations over DHS funding. Trump is going to drag this out through the midterms and then lose them.
Note to the president: At some point, allowing the Regime to remain in power without actually forcing them to give up nukes is just a back-door, unacknowledged renewal of the Obama policy.
Well, I guess we just have to wait for their economy to collapse and their troops to desert.

TJM definitively ranks the films of David Lean

Mayor Karen is so stung by fan-made AI ads that she's resorting to the shitlibs' go-to demand for an end to criticism -- these ads are "violent" and "hateful" and making me feel unsafe because one video showed AI cartoons throwing tomatoes at me and the tomatoes looked like blood when they squished
This was her actual complaint. The mushed-up tomato looked like blood so it's a death threat and these violent attacks on me must stop. What is dis bitch, CNN?

Podcast: Sefton and CBD are joined by Jeff Carter, candidate for NV treasurer, and seasoned finance professional, for a discussion of the issues facing Nevadans, and the larger financial challenges in America.

TJM explores the movies of David Lean, director of Lawrence of Arabia

Few people remember that Norm MacDonald began his career as a ventriloquist
MacDonald's old partner Adam Egot revealed that MacDonald repurposed a bit with one of his ventriloquist dolls -- that he was a "bad guy" who "didn't believe the Holocaust happened" -- for the Norm MacDonald show, in which he claimed Egot didn't believe in the Holocaust.

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.


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Take a poll and decide if we need to kiss up to women or blacks or the French this week. (by Nick Kronos) ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE BUSH: Commando KERRY: Junior (by Nick Kronos) AUTOMOBILE BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps KERRY: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "I Brake for Snail-Darters" bumper stickers. (by See-Dubya) MILITARY HERO BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson KERRY: "Hawkeye" Pearce, "Jenjis Khan," that snivelling little pussy writer from Saving Private Ryan (Nick Kronos) REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC BUSH: Dr. Pepper KERRY: Mr. Pibb's (by See-Dubya) STAR TREK VILLAIN BUSH: Khaaaaan!!! KERRY: Those dipshits on that hippie world where everyone gets stoned off the pollen of the alien plants and sits around singing Scarsboro Fair and going to "snuggle parties" 60's TV CHICKS BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia KERRY: That Girl, Mrs. "Lovey" Howell, Jan (by Nick Kronos) FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid KERRY: When Meg Ryan shows up at the end of Sleepless in Seattle (suggested by Nick Kronos) ANDROID BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop) KERRY: Human protocol droid C-3PO (also "Johnny-5" from Short Circuit) (by Stumbo) COMIC STRIP CHARACTER BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes) KERRY: Billy in Family Circus running one of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B; Mary Worth; Cathy; Dondi (by Lord Floppington) DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum." KERRY: "I don't know if you've been paying attention, man, but we just got our asses kicked! Game over, man! Game over!" (by Krakatoa) CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET" BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket KERRY: reminds him his wife owns Nantucket (by Stumbo) KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR" BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got. KERRY: I'll talk to this Humungous fellow! He's a reasonable man! Open to negotiation! (by bbeck with latter quote contributed by small car guy)* CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA BUSH: Godzilla KERRY: Those two tiny twin women who live in box and sing songs to Mothra (also: Godzooky) HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own) KERRY: "nuance" -- Warrant's Every Rose Has Its Thorn * I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote. posted by Ace at 03:11 AM Comments I just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice. Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office. Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship. Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy. Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM Automobile Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy. Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon. Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always. Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM Better than the Mothra women. Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.) Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh. Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM Did Anyone do LOTR character? Bush: Theoden Kerry: Denethor Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM Ace, Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace. And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace. I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me.... Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM Post a comment Name: Email Address: URL: Comments: Remember info?	Now Available! The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines Those of you who are longtime Not Watchers of Stephen Colbert will not enjoy this flashback of Colbert dancing with Chuck Schumer while wearing ostentatious covid masks Rush Limbaugh was an innovator in so many ways, including being among the first to not watch Stephen Colbert DNI Tulsi Gabbard tenders her resignation for June 30, says her husband has been diagnosed with a rare bone cancer and she will have to help him through this TJM definitively ranks the films of Sam Peckinpah. Podcast: CBD and Jim Lakely of The Heartland Institute chat about Heartland's two recent discussions: The affordability crisis in America, and The UN retreating from their most maniacal climate projections. Along the way we talk Democrat insanity and the changing electoral map...and more! TJM discusses the violence of Sam Peckinpah. After threatening that the "clock is ticking" for renewed strikes on Iran, Trump once again calls them off to give negotiating a chance. I can't even cover this any more. It's embarrassing. It's like covering the endless negotiations over DHS funding. Trump is going to drag this out through the midterms and then lose them. Note to the president: At some point, allowing the Regime to remain in power without actually forcing them to give up nukes is just a back-door, unacknowledged renewal of the Obama policy. Well, I guess we just have to wait for their economy to collapse and their troops to desert. TJM definitively ranks the films of David Lean Mayor Karen is so stung by fan-made AI ads that she's resorting to the shitlibs' go-to demand for an end to criticism -- these ads are "violent" and "hateful" and making me feel unsafe because one video showed AI cartoons throwing tomatoes at me and the tomatoes looked like blood when they squished This was her actual complaint. The mushed-up tomato looked like blood so it's a death threat and these violent attacks on me must stop. What is dis bitch, CNN? Podcast: Sefton and CBD are joined by Jeff Carter, candidate for NV treasurer, and seasoned finance professional, for a discussion of the issues facing Nevadans, and the larger financial challenges in America. TJM explores the movies of David Lean, director of Lawrence of Arabia Few people remember that Norm MacDonald began his career as a ventriloquist MacDonald's old partner Adam Egot revealed that MacDonald repurposed a bit with one of his ventriloquist dolls -- that he was a "bad guy" who "didn't believe the Holocaust happened" -- for the Norm MacDonald show, in which he claimed Egot didn't believe in the Holocaust. Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?" Posted by: Smell the Glove I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove Chris @chriswithans "Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh" Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today Something is wrong as I hold you near Somebody else holds your heart, yeah You turn to me with your icy tears And then it's raining, feels like it's raining TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games "It's fking fked." -- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source" Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held. Basil the Great @BasilTheGreat 🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight It's over "The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them) No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters. Only a cult does this. 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