Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!


Contact
Ace:
aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com
Buck:
buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com
CBD:
cbd at cutjibnewsletter.com
joe mannix:
mannix2024 at proton.me
MisHum:
petmorons at gee mail.com
J.J. Sefton:
sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com


Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Captain Whitebread 2026
Jon Ekdahl 2026
Jay Guevara 2025
Jim Sunk New Dawn 2025
Jewells45 2025
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups





















« Welcome to the Party, Pal | Main | I Don't Like Sex & Candy »
November 02, 2004

Voter Guide-- Addendum

Reader-submitted issue guidance to help you make your choice tomorrow, plus a couple I thought of my own self. In some most cases, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge to edit/tweak.

Don't hate me.

STAR TREK CAPTAIN

BUSH: Come on, easy-- The Captain. The only captain.
KERRY: Either Jean Luc or Janeway, or maybe that black dude that used to play Hawk on Spencer: For Hire. He just can't make up his mind. Take a poll and decide if we need to kiss up to women or blacks or the French this week. (by Nick Kronos)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE

BUSH: Commando
KERRY: Junior (by Nick Kronos)

AUTOMOBILE

BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
KERRY: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "I Brake for Snail-Darters" bumper stickers. (by See-Dubya)

MILITARY HERO

BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson
KERRY: "Hawkeye" Pearce, "Jenjis Khan," that snivelling little pussy writer from Saving Private Ryan (Nick Kronos)

REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC

BUSH: Dr. Pepper
KERRY: Mr. Pibb's (by See-Dubya)

STAR TREK VILLAIN

BUSH: Khaaaaan!!!
KERRY: Those dipshits on that hippie world where everyone gets stoned off the pollen of the alien plants and sits around singing Scarsboro Fair and going to "snuggle parties"

60's TV CHICKS

BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia
KERRY: That Girl, Mrs. "Lovey" Howell, Jan (by Nick Kronos)

FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT

BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid
KERRY: When Meg Ryan shows up at the end of Sleepless in Seattle (suggested by Nick Kronos)


ANDROID

BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop)
KERRY: Human protocol droid C-3PO (also "Johnny-5" from Short Circuit) (by Stumbo)

COMIC STRIP CHARACTER

BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes)
KERRY: Billy in Family Circus running one of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B; Mary Worth; Cathy; Dondi (by Lord Floppington)

DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
KERRY: "I don't know if you've been paying attention, man, but we just got our asses kicked! Game over, man! Game over!" (by Krakatoa)

CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET"

BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket
KERRY: reminds him his wife owns Nantucket (by Stumbo)

KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR"

BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got.
KERRY: I'll talk to this Humungous fellow! He's a reasonable man! Open to negotiation! (by bbeck with latter quote contributed by small car guy)*

CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA

BUSH: Godzilla
KERRY: Those two tiny twin women who live in box and sing songs to Mothra (also: Godzooky)

HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN

BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own)
KERRY: "nuance" -- Warrant's Every Rose Has Its Thorn

* I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote.


posted by Ace at 03:11 AM
Comments



I just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice.

Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM

I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office.

Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship.

Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM

You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy.

Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM

Automobile

Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy.

Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM

Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon.

Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM

Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always.

Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM

Better than the Mothra women.

Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.)

Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh.

Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM

Did Anyone do LOTR character?

Bush: Theoden
Kerry: Denethor

Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM

Ace,

Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace.

And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace.

I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me....

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM
Post a comment
Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Comments:


Remember info?








Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]
Top Headlines
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: CBD and Sefton discuss the Berlin attack, Iran...Again! Sefton's mini Odyssey review, Data Republican's blockbuster reveal about the DNC, and more!
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click
She's totally committed to major independence
She's a lady through and through
She gives them quite a battle, all that they can handle
She'll bruise some, she'll hurt some too
I got something done yesterday and am exhausted.
Posted by: ChristyBlinky
[CBD]
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Illegals registered and voted in NJ! Leftist violence is baked into the Democrat cake, Iran's capabilities are being degraded, Londonistan? And...come on SC...no senate dynasties!
Update to the video of a Russian soldier being spun around and thrown by the machinegun he was operating: The soldier was testing an old, archaic Russian machinegun intended to be mounted to a helicopter. The old gun was pressed into service as a possible anti-drone gun. The Russian army is generally depleted and being forced to bring a lot of old, unreliable weapons and platforms to the front.
Also: Ukranian drones have destroyed damaged [CBD] over 147 Russian warships and shadow fleet oil tankers in the Black Sea over the past ten days.
Top Men!
FDA is providing an update regarding the sample of lettuce supplied by Taylor Farms de Mexico which was reported positive on July 18, 2026. Due to the complexity in detection of Cyclospora, FDA laboratory experts re-reviewed the sample results and have concluded that the finding does not represent true amplification and should be considered a false positive. Information about the sample has been removed from the July 18, 2026, update below. FDA has notified Taylor Farms and continues working with the firm to ensure product implicated in this outbreak has been removed from the market. FDA and state partners continue to collect and analyze product samples. As of July 19, 2026, there are no confirmed positive sample results for product testing for Cyclospora.
[CBD]
FEDERAL APPEALS COURT STRIKES DOWN NJ "ASSAULT WEAPONS" BAN/MAGAZINE BAN! Let's see if it reverts to the previous 15 round limit or I can actually run my weapons as God intended! [CBD]
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Trump Slaps Mullin down; he wants the auto stops to continue, we need employment enforcement at our big corporations, The gerontocracy in the Senate, the Iranian junta is true to form, but Trump responds forcefully, and more!
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click: Northern Lights Division
Our topic today is music
That's right, like
'Cause my brother and I are now experts in the field, eh
Yeah, right, 'cause we're a band now

Uh, yeah, so
Except for him, I'm a band
Aw, how can you do that?
You're making me look bad
You're such a Hosehead
CNBC ranks Tennessee as dead last in its “Worst States to Live” analysis. The specific reason is that cross-dressing men in TN are denied access to children and women’s private spaces. Texas finished 49th. The “worst” states were all red states. [Buck]
Senator Lindsey Graham (R - SC) has died after a "brief and sudden illness." [Buck]
Recent Comments
Romeo13: "55 Has anyone suggested the illegals be put in cha ..."

whig: "Not to be obstreperous, but over the last two year ..."

Pete Buttigieg: "[i] Lotta loose shit around here lately. Post ..."

Dr. Fausti - I WAS The Science: "64 They're getting paid to leave. They'll likely c ..."

TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films: "Remember, Biden let in millions by just not enforc ..."

LinusVanPelt: "Stealers Wheel… damn, thought they were name ..."

LizLem: ">>> you make life terrible for them, they'll leave ..."

People's Hippo Voice: "The howling we've heard from the left so far is no ..."

Guy who always says nothing: " ..."

Bonecrusher: " It's old. You should be contemplating mine. Pos ..."

TheJamesMadison, discovering British horror with Hammer Films: "Remember, Biden let in millions by just not enforc ..."

...: "That didn't work out so well the last time it was ..."

Bloggers in Arms
Some Humorous Asides
Archives