Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!


Contact
Ace:
aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com
Buck:
buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com
CBD:
cbd at cutjibnewsletter.com
joe mannix:
mannix2024 at proton.me
MisHum:
petmorons at gee mail.com
J.J. Sefton:
sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com


Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Jay Guevara 2025
Jim Sunk New Dawn 2025
Jewells45 2025
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021

Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

TBD





















« Welcome to the Party, Pal | Main | I Don't Like Sex & Candy »
November 02, 2004

Voter Guide-- Addendum

Reader-submitted issue guidance to help you make your choice tomorrow, plus a couple I thought of my own self. In some most cases, I'm sorry, but I couldn't resist the urge to edit/tweak.

Don't hate me.

STAR TREK CAPTAIN

BUSH: Come on, easy-- The Captain. The only captain.
KERRY: Either Jean Luc or Janeway, or maybe that black dude that used to play Hawk on Spencer: For Hire. He just can't make up his mind. Take a poll and decide if we need to kiss up to women or blacks or the French this week. (by Nick Kronos)

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER MOVIE

BUSH: Commando
KERRY: Junior (by Nick Kronos)

AUTOMOBILE

BUSH: '77 primer-gray Silverado Dooley, naked-lady mud flaps
KERRY: Pea-green Volvo station wagon, "This Car Climbed Mt. Washington!" and "I Brake for Snail-Darters" bumper stickers. (by See-Dubya)

MILITARY HERO

BUSH: George Patton, Douglas MacArthur, Stonewall Jackson
KERRY: "Hawkeye" Pearce, "Jenjis Khan," that snivelling little pussy writer from Saving Private Ryan (Nick Kronos)

REFRESHING BEVERAGE WHOSE NAME CONTAINS AN HONORIFIC

BUSH: Dr. Pepper
KERRY: Mr. Pibb's (by See-Dubya)

STAR TREK VILLAIN

BUSH: Khaaaaan!!!
KERRY: Those dipshits on that hippie world where everyone gets stoned off the pollen of the alien plants and sits around singing Scarsboro Fair and going to "snuggle parties"

60's TV CHICKS

BUSH: Catwoman, Ginger, Maryanne, Agent 99, Marcia
KERRY: That Girl, Mrs. "Lovey" Howell, Jan (by Nick Kronos)

FAVORITE MOVIE MOMENT

BUSH: Sonny Corleone beating the shit out of Carlos with the trash-can lid
KERRY: When Meg Ryan shows up at the end of Sleepless in Seattle (suggested by Nick Kronos)


ANDROID

BUSH: Terminator Model T-800 Series 101 (also Robocop)
KERRY: Human protocol droid C-3PO (also "Johnny-5" from Short Circuit) (by Stumbo)

COMIC STRIP CHARACTER

BUSH: Steve Dallas (Bloom County); Linus (Peanuts); Hobbes (Calvin & Hobbes)
KERRY: Billy in Family Circus running one of his ridiculously torturous trails to get from point A to a very nearby point B; Mary Worth; Cathy; Dondi (by Lord Floppington)

DEFINING SCI-FI/HORROR MOVIE QUOTE

BUSH: "I'm here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all outa bubblegum."
KERRY: "I don't know if you've been paying attention, man, but we just got our asses kicked! Game over, man! Game over!" (by Krakatoa)

CAUSE TO SMILE AFTER HEARING WORD "NANTUCKET"

BUSH: reminds him of dirty limerick about Nantucket
KERRY: reminds him his wife owns Nantucket (by Stumbo)

KEY QUOTE FROM "THE ROAD WARRIOR"

BUSH: I'm the best chance you've got.
KERRY: I'll talk to this Humungous fellow! He's a reasonable man! Open to negotiation! (by bbeck with latter quote contributed by small car guy)*

CHARACTER FROM GIANT-MONSTER JAPANESE CINEMA

BUSH: Godzilla
KERRY: Those two tiny twin women who live in box and sing songs to Mothra (also: Godzooky)

HAIR METAL SONG EXPRESSING KEY THEME OF CAMPAIGN

BUSH: "unilateralism" -- Whitesnake's Here I Go Again (On My Own)
KERRY: "nuance" -- Warrant's Every Rose Has Its Thorn

* I had to change this one. SmallCarGuy sent me a similar one using one of my favorite lines from the Road Warrior, and definitely John Kerry's true definining RW quote.


posted by Ace at 03:11 AM
Comments



I just wanted to give you fair warning that I'll be dispatching lawyers to sue you for attempting to suppress the African-American vote in the comic-strip character category. The results do not reflect the popularity of the "Huey" character from the "Boondocks" strip, and you should be ashamed of yourself for disenfranchising this bold, fictional voice.

Posted by: Sean M. on November 2, 2004 05:05 AM

I have to disagree on the ST Captain bit. Picard is the obvious choice for Kerry, being that Picard is a nuanced Frenchman more prone to negotiate than launch any photon torpedoes. Bush on the other hand, is much more similar to Sisko, the Emissary and a family man that kicks ass and takes names. Laura probably wouldn't take too kindly to any Orion slave girls in the Oval Office.

Back in '92 there were "Picard/Riker" campaign bumperstickers. That's the ticket fielded by the Dem's this year, a diplomat and a pretty boy without enough experience to ever get his own ship.

Posted by: rw on November 2, 2004 05:27 AM

You left out the most obvious choice for cartoon character: Ziggy.

Posted by: Smack on November 2, 2004 07:23 AM

Automobile

Bush - I don't drive no stinkin' Cheevy.

Posted by: Ron on November 2, 2004 08:00 AM

Re Catwoman, we are obviously talking about Eartha Kitt or at least Julie Newmar. NOT Lee Meriwether. Catwoman should not look like she drives a station wagon.

Posted by: Kerry on November 2, 2004 08:02 AM

Dude, this was a great bit. Funny as always.

Posted by: Marty on November 2, 2004 08:12 AM

Better than the Mothra women.

Hero Boy, the spoof of those movies on an episode of Freakazoid. (The Mothra women were therein replaced by two sumo wrestlers, who sang in an even higher key.)

Anyway, Hero Boy tries to kill the giant monster attacking Tokyo, but only gets squashed. He's congratulated by the general for this, because he made people laugh.

Posted by: Rich Baldwin on November 2, 2004 09:24 AM

Did Anyone do LOTR character?

Bush: Theoden
Kerry: Denethor

Posted by: matt on November 2, 2004 09:39 AM

Ace,

Your at it AGAIN with all this loose shit....don't make a fuckin' psycho outta me Ace, I am waringing you....cut the fuckin' shit Ace.

And as for automobiles, Dubya would drive a Green '71 Hemi 'Cuda or a white '68 Mustang 427 Shelby GT OR, at the very least, a '70 Burnt-Orange GTO Judge with a 440. Not some faggy grey 77' Silverado. You are REALLY pissn' me off Ace.

I am warning you for the last time....I got a shovel and a bag of lime right here next to me....

Posted by: Swiftsure aka Vinny Falcone on November 2, 2004 10:02 AM
Post a comment
Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Comments:


Remember info?








Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]
Top Headlines
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: The elections! NYC, Virginia, New Jersey, Texas, California, and the future prospects of the Republican party...
Update on Scott Adams:
Scott Adams had approval for this cancer drug but they hadn't scheduled him to get it. He was taking a turn for the worse. Trump had told him to call if he needed anything, so he did. Talked to Don Jr (who is in Africa) , then RFK Jr, then Dr Oz. Someone talked to Kaiser and he was scheduled. Shouldn't have needed it but he did and he says it saved his life.
Posted by: Notsothoreau
Funny retro kid costumes, thanks to SMH
Good to see people honoring Lamont the Big Dummy
Four hours of retro Halloween commercials and specials
The first short is the original 1996 appearance of "Sam," the dangerous undead trick-or-treater from Trick r' Treat.
On Wednesday, we'll see the "Beaver Super-Moon." Which sounds hot.
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Historian and Pundit Robert Spencer joins us for a wide-ranging discussion about the Islamists in our midst: Mamdani in NYC, all across Europe, and others.
Full Episode: The Hardy Boys (and Nancy Drew) Meet Dracula
I don't remember this show, except for remembering that Nancy Drew was hot and the opening credits were foreboding and exicting
Schmoll: 53% of New Jersey likely voters say their neighbors are voting for Ciattarelli, while 47% say the cheater/grifter Mikie Sherrill
The "who do you think your neighbors are voting for" question is designed to avoid the Shy Tory problem, wherein conservative people lie to schmollsters because they don't want to go on record with a likely left-winger telling them who they're really voting for. So instead the question is who do you think your neighbors are voting for, so people can talk about who they themselves support without actually having to admit it to a left-wing rando stranger recording their answers on the phone.
TJM Complains about Wreck-It Ralph The very topical premiere of TJM's YouTube Channel.
Interesting football history: How the forward pass was created in response to the nineteen -- 19! -- people killed playing football in 1905 alone
The original rules of football did not allow forward passes. The ball was primarily advanced by running, with blockers forming lines with interlocked arms and just smashing into the similarly-interlocked defensive lines. It was basically Greek hoplite spear formations but with a semi-spherical ball. As calls to ban the sport entirely grew, some looked for ways to de-emphasize mass charges as the primary means of advancing the ball, and some specifically championed allowing a passer to throw the ball forward.
Sydney Sweeney unleashes the silver orbs
Thanks to @PatriarchTree
Fallacies do not cease to be fallacies because they become fashions.
-- G.K. Chesterton
[CBD]
Recent Comments
the way I see it: "Come to the HQ, where everyone shits on everyone e ..."

Mister Scott (Formerly GWS): "The criminal is still more trustworthy than either ..."

Bertram Cabot, Jr.: " [i]his coupled with the "migrant Asylum seeker" ..."

Mr. Creosote: "What reason would someone requesting a pardon have ..."

Pudinhead: "a corollary of James Carville's famous "drag a hun ..."

Mark Andrew Edwards, buy ammo [/b][/i]: "15 I'd say we need to look at ALL of her communica ..."

Count de Monet: "Come to the HQ, where everyone shits on everyone e ..."

Schroedinger's Cat Wears the Emperor's New Clothes: "The Dem nominee in 2028 will be the CIA plant who ..."

Its Go Time Donald: "What's a devout Islamist to do when they catch him ..."

But it is truthy : "Suborning and committing perjury is just another d ..."

Penguins and their projectile pooping: "[i]Come to the HQ, where everyone shits on everyon ..."

Anonosaurus Wrecks, Who's Had Just About Enough[/s] [/b] [/i] [/u]: "The new religion. https://is.gd/pOmAg1 ..."

Bloggers in Arms
Some Humorous Asides
Archives