Special Guest Columnist

Content Warning: The typical silly sex stuff I do here a lot. It's no worse than a Dennis Miller nightclub act, but still, you might want to hold off until you get home.

I've Really Got to Stop Jacking Off At Work

by
Moqtada al-Sadr

Special Ace of Spades Guest Columnist

I've really got to stop masturbating at the office. I'm not kidding here. This situation is really getting "out of hand." (Wink.)

I don't know how all this madness got started. Two years ago I refused to even look at computers -- or "Crusader Infidel Jew-Boxes," as I call them. (LOL.) But I needed to keep updating my jihadist video collection, and so I had one installed at the office at my mosque.

Well, long story short, let's just say that one day I stumbled into a delightful little message-board called Big Busted Spanish Whores Must Learn to Clean Their Dirty Feet, and since then I've been a real "jerk." (ROFLMAO.)

It's gotten bad. Everyday I eagerly anticipate the office clearing out so that I can visit my favorite internet pornography sites. When the cleaning ladies begin rolling it at around six-ish, I immediately begin downloading hardcore porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon. Even seeing a cleaning lady now gives me an instantaneous arousal.

The intoxicating scent of Formula 409 and the hypnotic whine of vacuum-cleaners is enough to "bring the mountain to Mohammed's pants," if you know what I'm talking about. (Wink.)

It all began innocently enough -- big busted whores, teenage babysitters, some light spanking, sex with goats and chickens. You know, the four basic food groups of pornography. (Rim-shot. Pardon me, but, by Allah, I do make myself chuckle.)

But lately I've been exploring more… forbidden fruits, as they say. I've now become so sexually jaded that the only thing that really gets me hot nowadays is a new form of German fetish video called Gehaeusegeficken, also known as “Cage-Banging” in your corrupt Infidel tongue. (Tongue-- don't get me started. Wink.)

Now in these German Cage-Bang videos, naked, oiled schoolboys are trapped in a steel cage, and on the cage’s walls are affixed various deadly medieval weapons and chainsaws, as well as frightening-looking sexual devices.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart. LOL.

The athletic-looking boys then grab these sinister implements from the walls as they’re forced to go at each other in a combination of gay-porn-slash-deadly-gladiatorial-combat. And thus ensconced in my own personal homoerotic Thunderdome, I abuse myself with the repetitive mechanical fury of a short-circuiting industrial robot.

Two men enter, one man leaves -- one very satisfied man, I can tell you. (g)

I know all of this is very unrighteous, but for the life of me, I cannot stop thinking about it. 72 self-perpetuating virgins upon dying a martyr's death? Bah. What are 72 virgins when I have over one thousand candid photographs of Princeton crew-boys snapping towels at each other in the locker-room, all at my "fingertips"? :)

Well, enough for now. Lupe the maid just shut off the lights in the hallway, and I just got an email asking me if I would like to see pictures of Prince Harry being forced to make out with the hot-looking kid from Hanson.

Would I?!

Would I ever! (Wink.)

Moqtada al-Sadr is a prize-winning columnist and maniac, whose latest book is called Is It Just Me, or Is Jude Law Really Fucking Tasty? His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.