Ace of Spades HQ

« Gallup Bodyslam: Bush 52-44 Over Kerry Among Likelies | Main | Ethical Dilemma: Do I Really Have To Mention Wonkette Yet Again? »

September 27, 2004

Special Guest Columnist

Content Warning: The typical silly sex stuff I do here a lot. It's no worse than a Dennis Miller nightclub act, but still, you might want to hold off until you get home.

I've Really Got to Stop Jacking Off At Work

by
Moqtada al-Sadr

Special Ace of Spades Guest Columnist

I've really got to stop masturbating at the office. I'm not kidding here. This situation is really getting "out of hand." (Wink.)

I don't know how all this madness got started. Two years ago I refused to even look at computers -- or "Crusader Infidel Jew-Boxes," as I call them. (LOL.) But I needed to keep updating my jihadist video collection, and so I had one installed at the office at my mosque.

Well, long story short, let's just say that one day I stumbled into a delightful little message-board called Big Busted Spanish Whores Must Learn to Clean Their Dirty Feet, and since then I've been a real "jerk." (ROFLMAO.)

It's gotten bad. Everyday I eagerly anticipate the office clearing out so that I can visit my favorite internet pornography sites. When the cleaning ladies begin rolling it at around six-ish, I immediately begin downloading hardcore porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon. Even seeing a cleaning lady now gives me an instantaneous arousal.

The intoxicating scent of Formula 409 and the hypnotic whine of vacuum-cleaners is enough to "bring the mountain to Mohammed's pants," if you know what I'm talking about. (Wink.)

It all began innocently enough -- big busted whores, teenage babysitters, some light spanking, sex with goats and chickens. You know, the four basic food groups of pornography. (Rim-shot. Pardon me, but, by Allah, I do make myself chuckle.)

But lately I've been exploring more… forbidden fruits, as they say. I've now become so sexually jaded that the only thing that really gets me hot nowadays is a new form of German fetish video called Gehaeusegeficken, also known as “Cage-Banging” in your corrupt Infidel tongue. (Tongue-- don't get me started. Wink.)

Now in these German Cage-Bang videos, naked, oiled schoolboys are trapped in a steel cage, and on the cage’s walls are affixed various deadly medieval weapons and chainsaws, as well as frightening-looking sexual devices.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart. LOL.

The athletic-looking boys then grab these sinister implements from the walls as they’re forced to go at each other in a combination of gay-porn-slash-deadly-gladiatorial-combat. And thus ensconced in my own personal homoerotic Thunderdome, I abuse myself with the repetitive mechanical fury of a short-circuiting industrial robot.

Two men enter, one man leaves -- one very satisfied man, I can tell you. (g)

I know all of this is very unrighteous, but for the life of me, I cannot stop thinking about it. 72 self-perpetuating virgins upon dying a martyr's death? Bah. What are 72 virgins when I have over one thousand candid photographs of Princeton crew-boys snapping towels at each other in the locker-room, all at my "fingertips"? :)

Well, enough for now. Lupe the maid just shut off the lights in the hallway, and I just got an email asking me if I would like to see pictures of Prince Harry being forced to make out with the hot-looking kid from Hanson.

Would I?!

Would I ever! (Wink.)

Moqtada al-Sadr is a prize-winning columnist and maniac, whose latest book is called Is It Just Me, or Is Jude Law Really Fucking Tasty? His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.

posted by Ace at 03:13 PM

Comments

Wow....I guess this is now "Wankette of Spades HQ".

Are you really that upset that the NY Times didnt mention you?

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on September 27, 2004 03:36 PM

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, I linked your Spock/Kirk interlude to the Playboy Cyber Club chat board. They're dyin' over there. Just f'ing dyin'...

Posted by: Rick on September 27, 2004 03:49 PM

Are you really that upset that the NY Times didnt mention you?

Yes.

Well, no, not really. I don't really expect to be mentioned in these pieces.

But would I have liked to have been mentioned?

Of course.

Posted by: ace on September 27, 2004 04:01 PM

Sooooo are we now reading a GAY, FAGGOT, QUEER, COCKSUCKER?

Posted by: Rounguy on September 27, 2004 04:16 PM

Umm, I don't know. I don't know WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO IMPLY.

CAPITAL LETTERS ARE FUN.

Posted by: ace on September 27, 2004 04:22 PM

The best part was:

His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.

At that point, I fell off my office chair, and have to figure out how to get my sprained wrist treated. It's an 'unwitnessed accident' at work, and that's a by-word for workers' comp fraud.

Damn you, Ace! Just for that, I'm going to make you wait an entire week for a tip!

Posted by: Dianna on September 27, 2004 04:38 PM

Dude, that was hilarious!!

Posted by: RS on September 27, 2004 04:39 PM

Sorry Ace, my bad. (egg on face). I'm well past bedtime and thought you had suddenly turned gay. Guess it helps to READ!!!!! Sorry. (anger withdrawn, tears rolling down face).

Posted by: Roundguy on September 27, 2004 06:06 PM

Oh hell. Why do I get the feeling that one day I'm going to try to load up your site at work and I'm going to get that filter warning instead?

Posted by: Andrea Harris on September 27, 2004 09:35 PM

Why do I have the feeling I'm not going to get a lot of Blogads customers?

Posted by: ace on September 28, 2004 03:05 AM

Amazon.com Widgets

Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]

Top Headlines

Oh no! Hamas' de facto press agent at the UN complains that she can't use her credit cards or rent a card now that she's been sanctioned as a terrorist operative
Why does this keep happening to members of the "political organization" (per Tucker Carlson) of Hamas?!?!

Tucker Carlson claims that it's weird that Ted Cruz is interested in the massacre of Christians by Nigerian Muslims, because he has "no track record of being interested in Christians," then blows off the massacre of Christians by Nigerian Muslims, saying it might or might not be a real concern
Tucker Carlson enjoys using the left-wing tactic of "Tactical Ignorance" to avoid taking positions on topics. Is Hamas really a terrorist organization? Tucker can't say. He hasn't looked into it enough, but "it seems like a political organization to me." Are Muslims slaughtering Christians in Nigeria? Again, Tucker just doesn't know. He hasn't examined the evidence yet. He knows every Palestinian Christian who said he was blocked from visiting holy sites in Bethlehem, but he just hasn't had the time to look into the mass slaughter of Christians in Nigeria that has been going on since (checks watch) 2009. He doesn't know, so he can't offer an opinion. Wouldn't be prudent, you know? Don't rush him! He'll sift through the evidence at some point in the future and render an opinion sometime around 2044.
Of course, if you need an opinion on Jewish Perfidy, he has all the facts at his fingertips and can give you a fully informed opinion pronto. Say, have you ever heard of the USS Liberty incident...?
You'd think that the main issue for Tucker Carlson, who pretends to be so deeply concerned about Palestinian Christians being bullied by Jews in Israel (supposedly), would be the massacre of 185,000 Christians in Nigeria itself. But no, his main problem is that Ted Cruz is talking about it, "who has no track record of being interested in Christians at all." And then he just shrugs as to whether this is even a real issue or not.
Whatever we do we must never "divide the right," huh?
Tucker is attacking Ted Cruz for bringing the issue up because he's acting as an apologist for Jihadism, and he can't cleanly admit that Jihadists are killing any Christians, anywhere. There is no daylight between him and CAIR at this point.
One might conclude that Tucker Carlson himself isn't interested in the plight of Christians -- except as they can be used as a cudgel to attack Jews.
Just gonna ask an Interesting Question myself -- why is it that Tucker Carlson's arguments all track with those shit out by Qatarian propaganda agents and the far left? That if Jews crush an ant underfoot it is worldwide news, but when Muslims slaughter Christians it elicits not even a vigorous shrug?

Sydney Sweeney has passed from celebrity to Meme Legend

Garth Merenghi is interviewed by the only man who can fathom his ineffable brilliance -- Garth Merenghi
From the comments:

I once glimpsed Garth in the penumbra betwixt my wake and sleep. He was in my dream, standing afar, not looking my way, nor did he acknowledge me. But I felt seen. And that's when I knew I was a traveler on the right path. I'm glad he's still with us.

Now that's some Merenghian prose.
Garth Merenghi on the writer's craft

Greetings, Traveler. If you still have not experienced Garth Merenghi -- Author, Dream-weaver, Visionary, plus Actor -- the six episodes of his Darkplace are still available on YouTube and supposedly upscaled to HD. (Viewing it now, it doesn't appeared upscaled for shit.)
I think the second episode, "Hell Hath Fury," is the best by a good margin. Try to at least watch through to that one. It's Mereghi's incisive but nuanced take on sexism.

TJM Returns with a discussion of Auteur Theory.

Podcast: The elections! NYC, Virginia, New Jersey, Texas, California, and the future prospects of the Republican party...

Update on Scott Adams:

Scott Adams had approval for this cancer drug but they hadn't scheduled him to get it. He was taking a turn for the worse. Trump had told him to call if he needed anything, so he did. Talked to Don Jr (who is in Africa) , then RFK Jr, then Dr Oz. Someone talked to Kaiser and he was scheduled. Shouldn't have needed it but he did and he says it saved his life.
Posted by: Notsothoreau

"Trump" goes trick-or-treating

Funny retro kid costumes, thanks to SMH
Good to see people honoring Lamont the Big Dummy

Four hours of retro Halloween commercials and specials
The first short is the original 1996 appearance of "Sam," the dangerous undead trick-or-treater from Trick r' Treat.

ICYMI: Australian journalist actually presses Kamala Harris when she repeatedly dodges questions about Biden's mental fitness
Kamala admits she didn't have the stamina to run for president, while continuing to insist he had the mental capacity to serve as president. He was too frail to run but perfectly strong enough to govern. Yeah sure whatever lying whore.

On Wednesday, we'll see the "Beaver Super-Moon." Which sounds hot.

Podcast: Historian and Pundit Robert Spencer joins us for a wide-ranging discussion about the Islamists in our midst: Mamdani in NYC, all across Europe, and others.

Full Episode: The Hardy Boys (and Nancy Drew) Meet Dracula
I don't remember this show, except for remembering that Nancy Drew was hot and the opening credits were foreboding and exicting

According to Grok, Latrine John-Pissoir has never failed to mention she is "black" (or "queer") during her book interviews
She may not know what the hell her book is about, but she definitely knows that "every day I wake up black and queer." Join the club, sister!

Schmoll: 53% of New Jersey likely voters say their neighbors are voting for Ciattarelli, while 47% say the cheater/grifter Mikie Sherrill
The "who do you think your neighbors are voting for" question is designed to avoid the Shy Tory problem, wherein conservative people lie to schmollsters because they don't want to go on record with a likely left-winger telling them who they're really voting for. So instead the question is who do you think your neighbors are voting for, so people can talk about who they themselves support without actually having to admit it to a left-wing rando stranger recording their answers on the phone.

Hackers take over University of Penn website, calling the school a "dogshit elitist institution full of woke retards" and threatening to release its admissions files to prove illegal racial discrimination
No lies detected so far

Live Now: Dana Loesch is interrogating Heritage President Kevin Roberts on his insistence that the gay Nazi Nick Fuentes is an absolutely essential "conservative" voice whose ideas we must take seriously and who we must absolutely not exclude based on his Naziism

TJM Complains about Wreck-It Ralph The very topical premiere of TJM's YouTube Channel.

Interesting football history: How the forward pass was created in response to the nineteen -- 19! -- people killed playing football in 1905 alone
The original rules of football did not allow forward passes. The ball was primarily advanced by running, with blockers forming lines with interlocked arms and just smashing into the similarly-interlocked defensive lines. It was basically Greek hoplite spear formations but with a semi-spherical ball. As calls to ban the sport entirely grew, some looked for ways to de-emphasize mass charges as the primary means of advancing the ball, and some specifically championed allowing a passer to throw the ball forward.