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September 27, 2004

Special Guest Columnist

Content Warning: The typical silly sex stuff I do here a lot. It's no worse than a Dennis Miller nightclub act, but still, you might want to hold off until you get home.

I've Really Got to Stop Jacking Off At Work

by
Moqtada al-Sadr

Special Ace of Spades Guest Columnist

I've really got to stop masturbating at the office. I'm not kidding here. This situation is really getting "out of hand." (Wink.)

I don't know how all this madness got started. Two years ago I refused to even look at computers -- or "Crusader Infidel Jew-Boxes," as I call them. (LOL.) But I needed to keep updating my jihadist video collection, and so I had one installed at the office at my mosque.

Well, long story short, let's just say that one day I stumbled into a delightful little message-board called Big Busted Spanish Whores Must Learn to Clean Their Dirty Feet, and since then I've been a real "jerk." (ROFLMAO.)

It's gotten bad. Everyday I eagerly anticipate the office clearing out so that I can visit my favorite internet pornography sites. When the cleaning ladies begin rolling it at around six-ish, I immediately begin downloading hardcore porn and masturbating like a coked-up gibbon. Even seeing a cleaning lady now gives me an instantaneous arousal.

The intoxicating scent of Formula 409 and the hypnotic whine of vacuum-cleaners is enough to "bring the mountain to Mohammed's pants," if you know what I'm talking about. (Wink.)

It all began innocently enough -- big busted whores, teenage babysitters, some light spanking, sex with goats and chickens. You know, the four basic food groups of pornography. (Rim-shot. Pardon me, but, by Allah, I do make myself chuckle.)

But lately I've been exploring more… forbidden fruits, as they say. I've now become so sexually jaded that the only thing that really gets me hot nowadays is a new form of German fetish video called Gehaeusegeficken, also known as “Cage-Banging” in your corrupt Infidel tongue. (Tongue-- don't get me started. Wink.)

Now in these German Cage-Bang videos, naked, oiled schoolboys are trapped in a steel cage, and on the cage’s walls are affixed various deadly medieval weapons and chainsaws, as well as frightening-looking sexual devices.

Sometimes it's hard to tell the two apart. LOL.

The athletic-looking boys then grab these sinister implements from the walls as they’re forced to go at each other in a combination of gay-porn-slash-deadly-gladiatorial-combat. And thus ensconced in my own personal homoerotic Thunderdome, I abuse myself with the repetitive mechanical fury of a short-circuiting industrial robot.

Two men enter, one man leaves -- one very satisfied man, I can tell you. (g)

I know all of this is very unrighteous, but for the life of me, I cannot stop thinking about it. 72 self-perpetuating virgins upon dying a martyr's death? Bah. What are 72 virgins when I have over one thousand candid photographs of Princeton crew-boys snapping towels at each other in the locker-room, all at my "fingertips"? :)

Well, enough for now. Lupe the maid just shut off the lights in the hallway, and I just got an email asking me if I would like to see pictures of Prince Harry being forced to make out with the hot-looking kid from Hanson.

Would I?!

Would I ever! (Wink.)

Moqtada al-Sadr is a prize-winning columnist and maniac, whose latest book is called Is It Just Me, or Is Jude Law Really Fucking Tasty? His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.

posted by Ace at 03:13 PM

Comments

Wow....I guess this is now "Wankette of Spades HQ".

Are you really that upset that the NY Times didnt mention you?

Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on September 27, 2004 03:36 PM

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, I linked your Spock/Kirk interlude to the Playboy Cyber Club chat board. They're dyin' over there. Just f'ing dyin'...

Posted by: Rick on September 27, 2004 03:49 PM

Are you really that upset that the NY Times didnt mention you?

Yes.

Well, no, not really. I don't really expect to be mentioned in these pieces.

But would I have liked to have been mentioned?

Of course.

Posted by: ace on September 27, 2004 04:01 PM

Sooooo are we now reading a GAY, FAGGOT, QUEER, COCKSUCKER?

Posted by: Rounguy on September 27, 2004 04:16 PM

Umm, I don't know. I don't know WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO IMPLY.

CAPITAL LETTERS ARE FUN.

Posted by: ace on September 27, 2004 04:22 PM

The best part was:

His column appears here while Paul Krugman is vacationing.

At that point, I fell off my office chair, and have to figure out how to get my sprained wrist treated. It's an 'unwitnessed accident' at work, and that's a by-word for workers' comp fraud.

Damn you, Ace! Just for that, I'm going to make you wait an entire week for a tip!

Posted by: Dianna on September 27, 2004 04:38 PM

Dude, that was hilarious!!

Posted by: RS on September 27, 2004 04:39 PM

Sorry Ace, my bad. (egg on face). I'm well past bedtime and thought you had suddenly turned gay. Guess it helps to READ!!!!! Sorry. (anger withdrawn, tears rolling down face).

Posted by: Roundguy on September 27, 2004 06:06 PM

Oh hell. Why do I get the feeling that one day I'm going to try to load up your site at work and I'm going to get that filter warning instead?

Posted by: Andrea Harris on September 27, 2004 09:35 PM

Why do I have the feeling I'm not going to get a lot of Blogads customers?

Posted by: ace on September 28, 2004 03:05 AM

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"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

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@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

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Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
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