Not-Very-Funny Top Ten Things Overheard In Liberal Circles

10. "I don't care what the so-called (finger quotes) "First Amendment" says. Find me a loophole."

9. "Those goddamn SwiftVets are savaging us like 'Jenjis Khan.'"

8. "Look, I hate to bring this up, but I have to ask: Do we have actual proof that John Kerry was even in Vietnam at all? I just want to know the potential downside on all this."

7. "We'll just spin this into a positive. We'll say John Kerry was smart enough to keep out of Cambodia, and he'll be smart enough to stay out of Iran, too."

6. "I had a very nice creamy steak suisse last night. It's seared --seared-- seared into my memory. Come on, it's funny. Stop being such a Serious Susan all the time."

5. "I say we just continue to run on our strengths, the strengths that nobody can deny. I propose a new advertising campaign-- John Kerry: He's really, really tall."

4. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Bob Dole is on fucking fire."

3. "We may be losing the veterans, we may be losing the independents, we may even be losing some of our usual Democratic base, but whatever happens, we've still got Chris Matthews solidly on board."

2. "Well, maybe Kerry did dishonestly oversell his 'heroism' in the Vietnam; maybe a more accurate account would be that he didn't want to serve, failed in his attempt to secure secure another grad-school deferment, enlisted in a unit seeing little action at the time in order to avoid combat, and then performed routinely but not remarkably for four months before doctoring up a dubious troika of Purple Hearts and finagling himself an early ticket home. That said, Kerry still has an awful lot to run on: his strong national security credentials, his clear plan for winning the war on terror, his meticulously-detailed plan for improving the economy.... SNORT!!! giggle! ... What, we're not allowed to be funny during a presidential campaign?"

...and the Number One Thing Overheard in Liberal Circles...

1. "Is it too late to run Frank Lautenberg? Someone get me that alte kacher on the horn."

Apologies: Some lists are funny. Some lists are funny and true. This one is merely true.

This list is nothing but "clappers," which I hate, but I'm in the mood for gloating.