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August 23, 2004

Six Words Never Before Used Together: Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

John Kerry calls Bob Dole. Bob Dole tells Kerry off. Bob Dole absolutely pins back Kerry's ears with an attack on Kerry's use of surrogates to call Bush a deserter.

Too Hot for Internet Filters Update! It seems that suddenly Ace of Spades HQ is being labeled "objectionable material" by at least one internet filter. I suspect it may be due to the Top Ten list that follows -- two uses of the f-word, plus a couple of other sexual words in close proximity to the f-word.

So I'm putting the Top Ten into the extended entry thingee, in hopes that the filter in question only reads the front page of the site.

I guess I should have supplied an Mature Content warning in the first place.

Then again, this list is about Bob Dole being on fu-- I mean, being on frickin' fire. How dirty could it possibly be?


Top Ten Signs That Bob Dole Is On Fucking Fire

10. Now spends upwards on four hours a day "workin' on his lats;" public speeches are sprinkled liberally with weightlifting catchphrases, such as "You gotta want it" and "Feel the burn!"

9. Elizabeth Dole appears scared shitless; when asked about her and her husband's love life, stutters incoherent and ominous remark about "The Sessions"

8. Old Bob Dole: Quiet evenings spent watching Matlock re-runs on PAX;
New Bob Dole: Now known as "B.D. Slam," organizes secret spontaneous all-nude "rave" parties featuring gangbangs and coked-up leopards

7. A roughed-up Paul Anka recently declared, "I, and Senator Bob Dole of Kansas, are the only important ones on that stage"

6. Has begun wrestling alligators; also, has begun fucking them

5. Old verbal idiosyncracy: referred to himself in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole" or "Bob Dole will cut your taxes";
New verbal idiosyncracy: refers to his cock in the third person, as in "You can count on Bob Dole's cock" or "Bob Dole's cock will cut your taxes"

4. Stodgy off-the-rack suits have been replaced by bicycle shorts and pimped-out furs

3. Keeps calling whoreblogger Washingtonienne about "getting together for lunch and/or anal"

2. New demand for speaking appearances: must be intro'd by If You Want It (Here It Is, Come and Get It) by Badfinger; always exits to the blaring Theme From the A-Team

...and the Number One Sign that Bob Dole is On Fucking Fire...

1. Old Bob Dole Endorsement: Viagra
New Bob Dole Endorsement: Swingers' clubs

Correction! I mistakenly thought my old Number 7 was funny, or at least passable enough to get on one of these lists. The correct Number 7 should have involved a Paul Anka reference, as Nathan pointed out to me in the comments.

Number 7 has been changed to reflect this better understanding of the facts.

digg this
posted by Ace at 04:58 PM

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