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August 17, 2004
Now She Done Really Found Us Out, Cletus!I love any excuse to recycle old material. Especially when it's a good excuse. Long ago, a moonbat named Kathleen Anderton wrote a letter to the editor of some newspaper. Her letter was full of such unhinged paranoiac moonbattery that I couldn't wait to inform her that yes, her lunatic suspicions about conservatives were all true. Well, Ms. Anderton has apparently Google-searched her own name and discovered that article, as well as Way Off Bass' own verbal doses of Thorazine. And she's hopping mad about it all. She wasn't being a nutter-- she was being ironic and/or satirical, like Jonathan Swift. (PS: Jessica Cutler is also a genius.) Read her response and draw your own conclusions. Update! Apparently she didn't just respond to Way Off Bass, as I'd feared. (How could she have forgotten me?) She actually did respond in the comments to the original post, under the shadowy alias "the author." Sort of like "The Artist" aka Prince, but without the fetish for purple sequins and platform shoes. Or, you know, the talent. I'm happy now. I just hope she didn't miss correspondent Paul's enigmatic and ominous warning: When they came for the Cryonically-Suspended Incubator Women, I said nothing because I'm not a Cryonically-Suspended Incubator Woman. When they came for the Legally Huntable Sub-Helots, I said nothing because I'm not a Legally Huntable Sub-Helot. When they came for the Cyberclone Slaves, I said nothing because I'm not a Cyberclone Slave. So when they came for me, I invented the Boson Reversal Disintegrator and it turned out not to matter that none of those other people were around any more. I think that says it all. Ms. Anderton, "The Author," might want to put those words up in her kitchen, right next to the engraved chopping board reading "Bless this Mess." Update: Responding to "The Author" more, um, thoughtfully: That's what it was meant to do. As for my use of bad words - jackass, jackass, jackass - oh no, better close your eyes and ears to the things in this world that offend you. I have no idea what she's talking about here. She writes this in response to Zetetic, but he himself called her a "jackass," and then appended his missive with the slightly-informal valediction "FOAD," which, last time I checked, did not mean "Fine Old 'appy Day." It means "Fuck off and die," so I don't really understand why Ms. Anderton thinks that it's her foul language which is being criticized. Maybe the Shadowy Man Who Lives In the Back Of the Refrigerator called out to her while she was composing her response. Besides, we really have done so much good with our war against terror. I sense this is some of that "Swiftian irony" I've heard so much about. In related news, the Shadowy Man Behind the Tupperware Casserole Dish says that Farenheit 9-11 may be "factually flawed," but it exposes a "truth greater than mere fact." He also says he's "super pumped" about the upcoming The Apprentice sequel. I'm sure we're just one step behind that wily Bin Laden, and the Iraqi people are so much better off since we've gone in. Subtle. I've got no beef against sarcasm, but simply stating the opposite of your beliefs in this bitchy sort of whine (I can almost hear her voice trembling) really isn't much of a trick. They really do embrace our help and the rebuilding that's going on is just amazing. In case some of you were taking solace from that remark, be warned: I think she probably doesn't mean it. Thank goodness the U.S. is such a benevolent force. Okay, first I doubted her Swiftian talents, but now I'm becoming a believer. The woman slices like mighty Gulliver through my Lilliputian mind. Sarcasm. The opposite of what you mean. Not. Very. Challenging. Our peace plan for Israel and Palestine is moving along quite well too. In case you all miss it again, I'm being ironic. Shut up, really?!! Plus the newest suggestion for sanctions against Sudan will show those rebels to stop killing the African villagers. I am so glad that we have such a wise and wonderful leader to follow. His name is Dr. Barrows, and he's been meaning to have a word with you about the disturbing images in your fingerpainting. Okay, my sarcastic response was hardly any better than The Author's, but, like any artist (such as fellow-literary-heir-of-Jonathan-Swift Kathleen Anderton), I'm limited by the materials I have to work with. posted by Ace at 10:49 PM
CommentsI never read the original when you first posted the link. If I had seen the title "Modern Day Modest Proposal," the connection to Swift would have been immediately apparent. But the mere fact of allusion does not necessarily mean the humor will be successful. Posted by: Sobek on August 17, 2004 11:26 PM
I find it mildly and pleasantly confusing to be sent via Mr. Whoopy's Wayback Machine to posts that I thought would never be equalled, only to find that even though they've been subsequently equalled, I still laugh my ass off when I read them. Thanks for the mammaries. Posted by: Patton on August 17, 2004 11:52 PM
M. Anderon, her Ladyship, that Doffer of the Literal/ Lady of Girth oft, and too oft misguessed for David Letterman/ Your Sight-Gags--retractable Dicky, o'rsized Hat and horse Pill--/ Lady o' the Lounge, oh ever-Sampler of the Veal.../ M. Anderton, where your Gambols now?/ That girthy Merriment which was to set the Water Cooler on a Roar--/ The refreshment Nook where you became a Woman, in the reach of a Co-worker--a Penis: and there a Woman no more, a Womanist!/ M. Anderton, sad Ironist, opera Clown, bow out./ You are hilarious/ The Day, with the Laughter, is yours. Posted by: way of tribute on August 18, 2004 12:38 AM
As with Alanis Morrisette, someone needs to be taught the definition of the word irony. In the case of Alanis, she should have substituted the term "coincidence," and with Anderon I believe the term would be "unfunny." Posted by: Emma on August 18, 2004 01:11 AM
Whoops! Dropped a "t." Posted by: Emma on August 18, 2004 01:50 AM
Patton, Thanks, that's very nice to hear. Emma, Well, in fairness, she's as funny as Oliver Willis. Posted by: ace on August 18, 2004 02:16 AM
I'm going to go watch the Men's Olympic Gymnastics finals now. Later this year, I'll be voting for John Kerry. To celebrate those events, I'm giving up beer. Wow this sarcasm stuff is fun and funny! Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer on August 18, 2004 03:19 AM
Jesus, that poem sucks. Who are these people? Posted by: Theunpopulist on August 18, 2004 03:28 AM
Just a clarification here: she used the word jackass first. I just reminded her that the jackass was the symbol for people like her (i.e. Democrats). But I did tell her to FOAD. Does that make me a bad person? Posted by: zetetic on August 18, 2004 07:21 AM
Maybe we're all being too subtle. Maybe we should have fisked her with editor-approved phrases like "Is this funny?" and "I just don't get this." I've got a working theory that dicates that the irony-challenged also have a hard time with sarcasm. Thus, I'm pretty sure Paul's truly superb "When they came for the Cryonically-Suspended Incubator Women, I said nothing because I'm not a Cryonically-Suspended Incubator Woman," etc. was entirely lost on our angry satirist. Posted by: ccwbass on August 18, 2004 10:22 AM
I just got a letter from Johnny Coldcuts! I'll skip all the embarassing stuff about being named President of his Fan Club (Greater Northern Virginia Chapter), to get to the relevant part. I quote: "Yeah...I've seen that uptight bitch's post. Irony like Swift, huh? The only thing Swift about her letter was the rate at which chunks blew out my ass after reading that drivel. Who needs high colonics when you have anal injections like this wandering shred of syphilitic-induced-delirium seated at her typewriter? I gotta tell ya, Senator, I used to think your writing sucked major donkey balls. But hell, after reading "The Author's" pretentious piece of pseudo-intellectual pablum, I have come to two conclusions: 1) Your blog still sucks donkey balls; Your pal, Johnny Coldcuts" Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on August 18, 2004 10:58 AM
Oh Senator. You make me laugh. Too bad about your blog. But funny funny post. You do Johnny as good as Ace. Posted by: lauraw on August 18, 2004 11:27 AM
Lauraw, Thanks! Now you know why I am President of the JC fan club. I just consider his critique to be constructive criticism. No more, no less. Posted by: Senator PhilABuster on August 18, 2004 12:45 PM
Wow, there really isn't much left of her for me to take on, is there? One thing I'd like to point out to her, the beauty of Swift is that he feigned support for the satirical proposition he made. It's like the comedian delivering a ridiculous line with a straight face. By forcing people to react with revulsion to his own position, he forces them to think about the point he really wants to make. But by accusing her opponents of the extreme position, she makes herself sound like a loon. Maybe if she had added a comment like "Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?" She would have been truly ironic. The way Ace's and Way Off Bass' first posts were. Of course, I didn't really need to tell any of you this, did I? Posted by: Brian B on August 18, 2004 01:39 PM
Johnny boy, I gotta agree. And not only that, but she's a total two bagger, let me tell ya. I mean, I'll hit pretty much anything but The Author grosses me out like Steven Tyler wearing a bright red teddy. Now I've gotta take a trip downtown just to get the image out of my mind. See you guys later. Posted by: Geoffrey the Duck on August 18, 2004 01:47 PM
The Author grosses me out like Steven Tyler wearing a bright red teddy. Thanks. I'll never feel clean again. Posted by: Brian B on August 18, 2004 02:00 PM
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Ireland's best emigrated 150 years ago. The current Ireland is a sad joke. [CBD]
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She's totally committed to major independence She's a lady through and through She gives them quite a battle, all that they can handle She'll bruise some, she'll hurt some too
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FDA is providing an update regarding the sample of lettuce supplied by Taylor Farms de Mexico which was reported positive on July 18, 2026. Due to the complexity in detection of Cyclospora, FDA laboratory experts re-reviewed the sample results and have concluded that the finding does not represent true amplification and should be considered a false positive. Information about the sample has been removed from the July 18, 2026, update below. FDA has notified Taylor Farms and continues working with the firm to ensure product implicated in this outbreak has been removed from the market. FDA and state partners continue to collect and analyze product samples. As of July 19, 2026, there are no confirmed positive sample results for product testing for Cyclospora.[CBD]
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