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January 21, 2006

A Colin Farrell Public Service.

As a favor to all the Ace of Spades HQ readers, I watched the Colin Farrell/model Nicole Narain sex tape. The research was challenging, but I've managed to transcribe the key scenes in the video so all of you can read for yourself just how hot and heavy the action is.

FYI, in order to keep the following description as "family friendly" as possible, I've replaced all of the naughty words with the word "Smurf." Even with these edits, I think you'll all agree that Farrell's drunken Irish sexiness still manages to smurf through.

Nevertheless, overly sensitive souls / Smurf fetishists should probably pass on this one.

When exactly did Farrell become Dr. Strange?

Camera Trouble
N: (chipper) You want some porn?
C: (yelling) I SMURFING LIVE ON PORN! What are you talking about? You're so sexy, you are so smurfing sexy. Where's the zoom on this smurfing piece of smurf? You're smurfing gorgeous (laughs). Baby, you're so smurfing beautiful, man.
N: Yes, my love.
C: Aw, the battery's dead...so is my smurfing smurf.

A Hairy Situation
(Nicole stops the smurfing, she has a smurf hair in her mouth)
C: Don't worry, we'll get rid of 'em.
N: Yeah, you see that there?
C: Yeah, okay, don't worry. We'll smurfing lose them.
(she continues)
Whatever princess wants, princess smurfing gets, let me tell you. Holy smurf, you're so smurfing beautiful.

The Moment Of Truth
C: It's smurfing in.
N: Yeah, baby.
C: Aw, smurf.
N: Oh, God.
(Moaning/Heavy breathing)
C: Look at how smurfing beautiful...
(Moaning/Breathing gets substantially louder)
N: Oh God, oh my God...oh...God...baby...smurf, oh smurf...oh smurf, oh smurf, oh God, oh God, oh God.
(Moaning)
N: Oh, my God.
C: Oh, my God, you're so smurfing beautiful.
(They pause)
(unintelligible)
...me again, come here this way.
(they change positions, go for gold)
N: Oh, my God.
(Moaning/Breathing)
C: Oh, baby.
(Moaning/Breathing)
C: This is some of the shabbiest smurfing photography in the history of smurfing porn, but you know what? I could give a smurf...oh, baby.
(They stop, he gives camera to her) Take this smurfing...
N: (finding Bullseye in frame) Mmmm, there he is. Oh, my God.
(He goes down on her)
Oh, my God. Here you are, oh, my God. Oh, my God. (moaning)
Oh, my God. You're gonna enjoy this. (He pauses)
C: I'm not enjoying this already, baby?
N: You're gonna enjoy...
C: Holy smurf, man. Breakfast, lunch, and smurfing dinner, right here. I'm not even smurfing joking.

Proper Oral Hygeine
C: That's the prettiest smurfing smurf I've ever seen in my life.
N: I hate it.
C: Aw, man, you can't smurfing say that! (incredulous) You hate it? You can't smurfing hate that, girl. She's so beautiful, man. She's smurfing gorgeous.
N: She's so (unintelligible)
C: What would you do? What would you snip? What would you smurfing implant? Shut the smurf up.
N: Nothing.
C: It's beautiful...she's beautiful.
N:...no...
C: She's a beautiful little flower.
N: Awwww.
(He continues, she climaxes, they stop)
You gotta brush your teeth.
C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that smurf.
N: But you're just gonna have smurf-mouth.

Wow.

Just wow.

Chris Klein could learn a thing or two from this guy. Hell, *I* could learn a thing or two from this guy.

Sure beats spending all that $$$ on those "Seduce & Conquer" audiotapes, that's for certain.

---
Excerpted from the totally NSFW!! transcript located here at Shrimpjaw.

posted by Dave From Garfield Ridge at 10:06 PM

Comments

I want the Pat Obrien smurf censored transcript next.

Posted by: Wickedpinto on January 21, 2006 10:22 PM

Holy Smurf!

And how about this for romantic right afterwards: "You got to brush your teeth"

Posted by: Lipstick on January 21, 2006 10:27 PM

I brush my teefes before the romantic. Afterwards would just not be right. Unless there was more romantic, in which case yeah, that's a good plan.

Not to map it out or anything..

Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 21, 2006 10:32 PM

Dave, read the un-smurfed transcript. You're on the right track.

Posted by: Lipstick on January 21, 2006 10:40 PM

He did a Chuang Chuang.

Posted by: shawn on January 21, 2006 10:43 PM

It all depends. Is this before re-hab sex or after re-hab sex? Because before re-hab sex is way better than after re-hab sex.

Posted by: Bart on January 21, 2006 10:44 PM

Lipstick, you're so (unintelligible)

Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 21, 2006 10:59 PM

Smurfarrific!

Posted by: DaveP. on January 21, 2006 11:03 PM

Well, glad to see somebody's finally bringing some class to this joint.

Posted by: sandy burger on January 21, 2006 11:17 PM

The uncensored transcript has been available since last week at Radioblogger.

It's interesting that "smurf" in the censored version stands for "smurf" in the raw version, too!

Posted by: Nine of Diamonds on January 22, 2006 12:00 AM

Hoo boy. Reading the transcript takes all the magic out of it.

Smurfin' A.

Posted by: fugazi on January 22, 2006 12:51 AM

One ought not to brush one's teeth before intimate activity, particularly if it involves oral contact with regions the oral resources of a human do not usually come into contact with. This is because prior brushing of teeth might cause tears and/or bleeding within the mouth and/or around the teeth which would make the contraction and successful reception of diseases easier. Brushing after intimate activity is appropriate, if it is to be done, as one would assume organisms that the mouth has come into contact with will be expelled therefrom before or while conducting oral hygiene cleansing.

Posted by: Muslihoon on January 22, 2006 02:28 AM

Um .... if brushing afterwards is out of the question, is antibacterial mouthwash before smurf diving a better option?

Posted by: SheriJo on January 22, 2006 02:46 AM

Pretty smurfin' romantic thinkin' there, Muslihoon.

Posted by: VRWC Agent on January 22, 2006 02:50 AM

Whatever the timing of your brushing - I learned, at my ex's expense, no Thai chile's before smurf diving.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on January 22, 2006 03:17 AM

ooh, ouch.

No eating Asian before eating Asian.

Posted by: Lipstick on January 22, 2006 03:59 AM

She was not happy. "What's the problem - don't you like a hot time in bed?" accompanied by laughter did not help situation. Much smurf kissing was necessary before activites resumed that evening.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on January 22, 2006 04:11 AM

I'm better at it than those Hollywood twats.

That is all.

Posted by: The Warden on January 22, 2006 05:07 AM

no Thai chile's before...

Hall's Mentholyptus cough drop.
Not too much though, or you'll freeze her smurf off.

Posted by: lauraw on January 22, 2006 10:33 AM

Hall's Mentholyptus cough drop.

Reeeally? Hmmm. . . (takes notes)

A female friend of mine once told me how her Mom admonished her during a meal of Maryland blue crabs with her boyfriend, "Make sure he washes the Old Bay off his fingers, otherwise it will burn like hell later."

Not quite the conversation one wants to have with dear ol' Mom, methinks.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 22, 2006 12:11 PM

Actually its not uncommon for mothers and daughters to be very frank with each other about such things.

Posted by: lauraw on January 22, 2006 12:36 PM

Pop-Rocks!

Posted by: Madfish Willie on January 22, 2006 01:24 PM

Actually its not uncommon for mothers and daughters to be very frank with each other about such things.

dear God as long as they leave me out of it.

Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 22, 2006 05:01 PM

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Bret Baier
@BretBaier

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