A Colin Farrell Public Service.

As a favor to all the Ace of Spades HQ readers, I watched the Colin Farrell/model Nicole Narain sex tape. The research was challenging, but I've managed to transcribe the key scenes in the video so all of you can read for yourself just how hot and heavy the action is.

FYI, in order to keep the following description as "family friendly" as possible, I've replaced all of the naughty words with the word "Smurf." Even with these edits, I think you'll all agree that Farrell's drunken Irish sexiness still manages to smurf through.

Nevertheless, overly sensitive souls / Smurf fetishists should probably pass on this one.

When exactly did Farrell become Dr. Strange?

Camera Trouble
N: (chipper) You want some porn?
C: (yelling) I SMURFING LIVE ON PORN! What are you talking about? You're so sexy, you are so smurfing sexy. Where's the zoom on this smurfing piece of smurf? You're smurfing gorgeous (laughs). Baby, you're so smurfing beautiful, man.
N: Yes, my love.
C: Aw, the battery's dead...so is my smurfing smurf.

A Hairy Situation
(Nicole stops the smurfing, she has a smurf hair in her mouth)
C: Don't worry, we'll get rid of 'em.
N: Yeah, you see that there?
C: Yeah, okay, don't worry. We'll smurfing lose them.
(she continues)
Whatever princess wants, princess smurfing gets, let me tell you. Holy smurf, you're so smurfing beautiful.

The Moment Of Truth
C: It's smurfing in.
N: Yeah, baby.
C: Aw, smurf.
N: Oh, God.
(Moaning/Heavy breathing)
C: Look at how smurfing beautiful...
(Moaning/Breathing gets substantially louder)
N: Oh God, oh my God...oh...God...baby...smurf, oh smurf...oh smurf, oh smurf, oh God, oh God, oh God.
(Moaning)
N: Oh, my God.
C: Oh, my God, you're so smurfing beautiful.
(They pause)
(unintelligible)
...me again, come here this way.
(they change positions, go for gold)
N: Oh, my God.
(Moaning/Breathing)
C: Oh, baby.
(Moaning/Breathing)
C: This is some of the shabbiest smurfing photography in the history of smurfing porn, but you know what? I could give a smurf...oh, baby.
(They stop, he gives camera to her) Take this smurfing...
N: (finding Bullseye in frame) Mmmm, there he is. Oh, my God.
(He goes down on her)
Oh, my God. Here you are, oh, my God. Oh, my God. (moaning)
Oh, my God. You're gonna enjoy this. (He pauses)
C: I'm not enjoying this already, baby?
N: You're gonna enjoy...
C: Holy smurf, man. Breakfast, lunch, and smurfing dinner, right here. I'm not even smurfing joking.

Proper Oral Hygeine
C: That's the prettiest smurfing smurf I've ever seen in my life.
N: I hate it.
C: Aw, man, you can't smurfing say that! (incredulous) You hate it? You can't smurfing hate that, girl. She's so beautiful, man. She's smurfing gorgeous.
N: She's so (unintelligible)
C: What would you do? What would you snip? What would you smurfing implant? Shut the smurf up.
N: Nothing.
C: It's beautiful...she's beautiful.
N:...no...
C: She's a beautiful little flower.
N: Awwww.
(He continues, she climaxes, they stop)
You gotta brush your teeth.
C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that smurf.
N: But you're just gonna have smurf-mouth.

Wow.

Just wow.

Chris Klein could learn a thing or two from this guy. Hell, *I* could learn a thing or two from this guy.

Sure beats spending all that $$$ on those "Seduce & Conquer" audiotapes, that's for certain.

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Excerpted from the totally NSFW!! transcript located here at Shrimpjaw.