Ace of Spades HQ

« Damn That Global Warming | Main | NFL Championships Thread. »

January 21, 2006

A Colin Farrell Public Service.

As a favor to all the Ace of Spades HQ readers, I watched the Colin Farrell/model Nicole Narain sex tape. The research was challenging, but I've managed to transcribe the key scenes in the video so all of you can read for yourself just how hot and heavy the action is.

FYI, in order to keep the following description as "family friendly" as possible, I've replaced all of the naughty words with the word "Smurf." Even with these edits, I think you'll all agree that Farrell's drunken Irish sexiness still manages to smurf through.

Nevertheless, overly sensitive souls / Smurf fetishists should probably pass on this one.

When exactly did Farrell become Dr. Strange?

Camera Trouble
N: (chipper) You want some porn?
C: (yelling) I SMURFING LIVE ON PORN! What are you talking about? You're so sexy, you are so smurfing sexy. Where's the zoom on this smurfing piece of smurf? You're smurfing gorgeous (laughs). Baby, you're so smurfing beautiful, man.
N: Yes, my love.
C: Aw, the battery's dead...so is my smurfing smurf.

A Hairy Situation
(Nicole stops the smurfing, she has a smurf hair in her mouth)
C: Don't worry, we'll get rid of 'em.
N: Yeah, you see that there?
C: Yeah, okay, don't worry. We'll smurfing lose them.
(she continues)
Whatever princess wants, princess smurfing gets, let me tell you. Holy smurf, you're so smurfing beautiful.

The Moment Of Truth
C: It's smurfing in.
N: Yeah, baby.
C: Aw, smurf.
N: Oh, God.
(Moaning/Heavy breathing)
C: Look at how smurfing beautiful...
(Moaning/Breathing gets substantially louder)
N: Oh God, oh my God...oh...God...baby...smurf, oh smurf...oh smurf, oh smurf, oh God, oh God, oh God.
(Moaning)
N: Oh, my God.
C: Oh, my God, you're so smurfing beautiful.
(They pause)
(unintelligible)
...me again, come here this way.
(they change positions, go for gold)
N: Oh, my God.
(Moaning/Breathing)
C: Oh, baby.
(Moaning/Breathing)
C: This is some of the shabbiest smurfing photography in the history of smurfing porn, but you know what? I could give a smurf...oh, baby.
(They stop, he gives camera to her) Take this smurfing...
N: (finding Bullseye in frame) Mmmm, there he is. Oh, my God.
(He goes down on her)
Oh, my God. Here you are, oh, my God. Oh, my God. (moaning)
Oh, my God. You're gonna enjoy this. (He pauses)
C: I'm not enjoying this already, baby?
N: You're gonna enjoy...
C: Holy smurf, man. Breakfast, lunch, and smurfing dinner, right here. I'm not even smurfing joking.

Proper Oral Hygeine
C: That's the prettiest smurfing smurf I've ever seen in my life.
N: I hate it.
C: Aw, man, you can't smurfing say that! (incredulous) You hate it? You can't smurfing hate that, girl. She's so beautiful, man. She's smurfing gorgeous.
N: She's so (unintelligible)
C: What would you do? What would you snip? What would you smurfing implant? Shut the smurf up.
N: Nothing.
C: It's beautiful...she's beautiful.
N:...no...
C: She's a beautiful little flower.
N: Awwww.
(He continues, she climaxes, they stop)
You gotta brush your teeth.
C: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll do that smurf.
N: But you're just gonna have smurf-mouth.

Wow.

Just wow.

Chris Klein could learn a thing or two from this guy. Hell, *I* could learn a thing or two from this guy.

Sure beats spending all that $$$ on those "Seduce & Conquer" audiotapes, that's for certain.

---
Excerpted from the totally NSFW!! transcript located here at Shrimpjaw.

posted by Dave From Garfield Ridge at 10:06 PM

Comments

I want the Pat Obrien smurf censored transcript next.

Posted by: Wickedpinto on January 21, 2006 10:22 PM

Holy Smurf!

And how about this for romantic right afterwards: "You got to brush your teeth"

Posted by: Lipstick on January 21, 2006 10:27 PM

I brush my teefes before the romantic. Afterwards would just not be right. Unless there was more romantic, in which case yeah, that's a good plan.

Not to map it out or anything..

Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 21, 2006 10:32 PM

Dave, read the un-smurfed transcript. You're on the right track.

Posted by: Lipstick on January 21, 2006 10:40 PM

He did a Chuang Chuang.

Posted by: shawn on January 21, 2006 10:43 PM

It all depends. Is this before re-hab sex or after re-hab sex? Because before re-hab sex is way better than after re-hab sex.

Posted by: Bart on January 21, 2006 10:44 PM

Lipstick, you're so (unintelligible)

Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 21, 2006 10:59 PM

Smurfarrific!

Posted by: DaveP. on January 21, 2006 11:03 PM

Well, glad to see somebody's finally bringing some class to this joint.

Posted by: sandy burger on January 21, 2006 11:17 PM

The uncensored transcript has been available since last week at Radioblogger.

It's interesting that "smurf" in the censored version stands for "smurf" in the raw version, too!

Posted by: Nine of Diamonds on January 22, 2006 12:00 AM

Hoo boy. Reading the transcript takes all the magic out of it.

Smurfin' A.

Posted by: fugazi on January 22, 2006 12:51 AM

One ought not to brush one's teeth before intimate activity, particularly if it involves oral contact with regions the oral resources of a human do not usually come into contact with. This is because prior brushing of teeth might cause tears and/or bleeding within the mouth and/or around the teeth which would make the contraction and successful reception of diseases easier. Brushing after intimate activity is appropriate, if it is to be done, as one would assume organisms that the mouth has come into contact with will be expelled therefrom before or while conducting oral hygiene cleansing.

Posted by: Muslihoon on January 22, 2006 02:28 AM

Um .... if brushing afterwards is out of the question, is antibacterial mouthwash before smurf diving a better option?

Posted by: SheriJo on January 22, 2006 02:46 AM

Pretty smurfin' romantic thinkin' there, Muslihoon.

Posted by: VRWC Agent on January 22, 2006 02:50 AM

Whatever the timing of your brushing - I learned, at my ex's expense, no Thai chile's before smurf diving.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on January 22, 2006 03:17 AM

ooh, ouch.

No eating Asian before eating Asian.

Posted by: Lipstick on January 22, 2006 03:59 AM

She was not happy. "What's the problem - don't you like a hot time in bed?" accompanied by laughter did not help situation. Much smurf kissing was necessary before activites resumed that evening.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on January 22, 2006 04:11 AM

I'm better at it than those Hollywood twats.

That is all.

Posted by: The Warden on January 22, 2006 05:07 AM

no Thai chile's before...

Hall's Mentholyptus cough drop.
Not too much though, or you'll freeze her smurf off.

Posted by: lauraw on January 22, 2006 10:33 AM

Hall's Mentholyptus cough drop.

Reeeally? Hmmm. . . (takes notes)

A female friend of mine once told me how her Mom admonished her during a meal of Maryland blue crabs with her boyfriend, "Make sure he washes the Old Bay off his fingers, otherwise it will burn like hell later."

Not quite the conversation one wants to have with dear ol' Mom, methinks.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on January 22, 2006 12:11 PM

Actually its not uncommon for mothers and daughters to be very frank with each other about such things.

Posted by: lauraw on January 22, 2006 12:36 PM

Pop-Rocks!

Posted by: Madfish Willie on January 22, 2006 01:24 PM

Actually its not uncommon for mothers and daughters to be very frank with each other about such things.

dear God as long as they leave me out of it.

Posted by: Dave in Texas on January 22, 2006 05:01 PM

Amazon.com Widgets

Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]

Top Headlines

Mary Margaret Olohan
@MaryMargOlohan

NEW: Five FBI employees were fired today over the infamous Richmond Catholic memo on "radical traditionalist Catholics," FBI source confirms to @realDailyWire.

Oof. Reviewers do not like Scary Movie 6. The criticism I keep hearing is that the movie mistakes a reference for an actual joke. The movie (they say) keeps Key Jangling a reference to another movie (or some other pop culture ephemera) and you expect there to be a joke but nope, the Key Jangle was the joke. Other reviewers say that the promise that "no lines will be uncrossed" is a fake-out, and that the movie is bland and inoffensively corporate.

TJM introduces you to the movies of Alexander Mackendrick

Whoops! I posted about Dan Goldman losing the NY congressional primary. He might do that, but it won't be tonight -- the primary isn't held until June 23.

One race to keep an eye on: the Levi's heir nepo baby and egregious "Designated Liar" Dan Goldman -- one of the Democrats from a safe district Democrats send out to spread their most indefensible lies -- may actually lose his lower Manhattan/Brooklyn set due to, get this, antisemitism in the Democrat primary electorate.
Antisemitism? In the anti-Nazi Democrat Party? Sounds crazy, I know, but apparently the anti-Nazi Party wants to eliminate Jews.

Henry Rosoff
@HenryRosoff

🚨EXCLUSIVE POLL:

Brad Lander is 34-pts ahead of Congressman Dan Goldman with #NY10 Democratic Primary voters. @ZohranKMamdani is backing the former Comptroller.

@bradlander: 57%

@danielsgoldman: 23%

Poll by @PIX11News & @EmersonPolling.

MORE: http://pix11.com

Oh my Totenkopf Tattoo, that is a DRUBBING!
I'm usually very anti-antisemitism but if the Communist Antisemite Jihadists can pull this one off, Go Communist Antisemite Jihadists, Go!

Democrat Senator Rueben Gallego, who served his wife with divorce papers when she was nine months pregnant so that he could marry his side-piece, counsels us that we should not judge Graham Platner for his infidelity because these things are personal matters, Racists:

Sahil Kapur
@sahilkapur

Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz., on Platner: "We know that Graham has lived not your typical political experience. He's been very clear and open with his wife, and they worked through whatever they worked through. At the end of the day, this man has had 60 more town halls than Susan Collins has. He's winning the polls, he's willing to accept that he has grown as a person, and I think we should accept that."

Gallego says the drip-drip of revelations won't harm Platner's campaign.

"I think you guys are all in a bubble here right now. The drip, drip that's actually happening is Americans are really, really hurt the fact that gas is still high, food is still high, they can't buy a home, you can't afford rent. They're not going to care about text messages and everything else like that that happened years ago, especially when it was worked out between spouses."

I like that he says that it's okay that Graham Platner sexted 12 different women within months of marrying the woman to sponge off her because he wasn't then "living a political life" -- the clear meaning being, "We all cheat, we just don't cheat when we're running for office, and he didn't know he was running for office when he was sending dicpics to half the women he ran into."
Except he was running: His own wife turned the sexts over to his campaign.
And obviously Reuben Gallego didn't let his "political life" get in the way of his extramarital dating life:

Podcast: CBD goes solo in a short segment...talking about Iran, the nativist issues surrounding Reform and Restore in the UK, and the delicious pain of an imploding Democrat Party, courtesy of Talerico and Platner!

TJM ranks all of John Ford's films. All of them. TJM is very tired.

Funny -- if you don't mind clicking on TikTok. "Amy.Pranks.22" set up an AI scam-call screener which replies to a foreign scammer trying to get her bank information with Trumpian bluster. This might be fake because I don't see how a program can respond in real time, but it's funny.

Food Thread Pizza Dough Recipe

The ULA rocket just launched
Thanks to Joyenz
The rocket's enormous engines are fueled by "the volcanic heterosexual lust between James Talarico and his Neighbor With a Uterus 'girlfriend'"
I hope Amazon's rocket works better than the Amazon Prime app does as far as allowing people to watch the black and white version of "Spider-Noir"

From the CA Post:

Spencer Pratt is now Karen Bass' biggest headache.

A bombshell California Post poll conducted with McLaughlin & Associates shows the reality TV star-turned-mayoral candidate has surged to a statistical tie with the incumbent mayor.

And voters blame homelessness, affordability and the direction of Los Angeles as the reason for turning on Bass.

Pratt now leads the field with 30.1% support, compared with 29.5% for Bass, setting up a razor-thin race heading into next week's primary.

Socialist councilwoman Nithya Raman sits in third place at 23.4%.

Thanks to beckster

Just like "Spartacus" Corey Booker, now that James Talarico is running for a higher office, he unveils his previously-unknown "girlfriend" and hooboy, it just so happens she used to work for him, and, get this, likes to "dance the night away" at gay bars
Gee I wonder where they might have met
Oh and she's a vegan
When Corey Booker needed a "girlfriend," he conjured up known LGBTQ activist Rosario Dawson. How convenient that when these guys need a girlfriend to show off to the normies that just happen to find an activist with a strong history of and interest in Supporting Gay Men
But seriously, this James Talarico romance with a Neighbor with a Uterus is a love story for the ages. The passion of their lovemaking is hotter than a blue star with a core of Primordial Sex Atoms created in the Big Bang

"Journalists" are all drunks, criminals, sex-pests, and liars, exhibit #25,239,331

And just like that, #PunchANazi became Punch a Ballot for a Nazi

Was the "transatlantic accent" favored by stage and screen actors of the 40s and 50s "fake"? This linguist says no, it was a real accent

"Teen" charged with five counts of attempted murder after attempting to run down police officers with his car in yet another "teen takeover" permitted by woke racist incompetent Chicago mayor Brandon Johnson
Johnson's response to the "teen takeovers" of streets and businesses that he refuses to make arrests to stop is to go after social media companies for not deleting messages to coordinate the "teen takeovers." Um, they're supposed to find these messages and delete them in real time?
It makes no sense but he has to offer an "alternative" plan to just arresting lawbreakers -- which he absolutely refuses to do, saying we "can't arrest our way out" of rampant crime.

The Babylon Bee's crack AI team uses AI crack to simulate the first woman president

TJM explores the world of John Ford movies.

Future Tucker Carlson guest James Talarico:

James Talarico
@jamestalarico

Black Americans in a church.

Mexican Americans in a store.

Asian Americans in a spa.

Radicalized white men are the greatest domestic terrorist threat in our country.

He's referring to three mass attacks committed by white men in, oh, the past six or eight years. There were a huge number of mass shootings and bombings he had to skip over to cherry pick three committed by white men. Which kind of makes me think that "white men" are not the greatest terrorist threat in our country.
No, I doubt he'll be a guest on Tucker Carlson. The only thing that Tucker clings to that he claims makes him "conservative" is a palpable hatred of gays. Any time there's a communist enslaving their population and executing dissenters and conservatives, Tucker praises that dictator by saying "at least he represses the homos!"