I think flames are really hot

You guys suck.

Every time I appear, everyone scatters. You make me feel like repellent.

Bart -

I believe the evidence you presented demonstrates you are, in fact, repellent.

Are you sure you don't mean "You make me feel repellent?"

Oh shit, Bart's here.

Everybody be quiet.

Dammit, people! Now he'll never leave!

Michael, if you're done flogging yourself to that men's knitting article, there's a flame war on.

As much as I hate to defend Bart, I think he was really just throwing you all a bone, because he knows that when it comes to any sort of flame war, you need all the help you can get.

So Ace & Allah watching BBM and getting that funny feeling in the pants.

Sandy -

Figures a hippy-haired, no-chinned placater would say something like that.

Placater? You asshole.

ooo, Sandy.

Burn.

*YAWN*

Wow. That really hurt.

ooo, Sandy.

Felt good to type that, though, didn't it?

The thing that sucks is I have so much good material on Ace & he won't let me use it - stupid anonymity bs.

Allah has panda porn.

What a pack of filthy guttersnipes! A good clout in the skull with my walking-stick would do you all a bit of good, I vow! I haven't seen such vulgarity since Oscar Wilde's last "tea" in his foppish salon. I mourn for the Empire when I see such detritus as is on display here -- how will Albion survive with such as these to protect her?

Dave's silly lyrics start to irritate
Do what you know and just masturbate

Why can't we be freinds
Why can't we be freinds
Why can't we be freinds
Why can't we be freinds

BTW, when is Mrs. Peel going to peel? I haven't had a good laugh in a while.

One thing I like about Ace is that I can show up at his site and tell him truthfully what a loser he is without him going into a big long whine about how he's providing this content for free blah blah blah boo fucking hoo.

Ace knows his place in the pecking order of life, and has for the most part given up, as he should. So, although I despise Ace, I despise him less than I despise most other bloggers. He knows his level on the totem pole, and I respect that in a loser. (But put away that hard on, Michael. If Ace grovelled like you do, I'd probably be forced to piss in his mouth.)

BrewFan -

I would be happy for any picture where she isn't in that weird, awkward pose. Looks like a participant at the Special Olympics pointing contest.

Panda porn? I thought that was Dogstar and Son of America! Huh.

Lord Knobgobbler, your grasp of the tongue is quite inspiring.

Now let it go.

Looks like a participant at the Special Olympics pointing contest.

She's not a participant? Maybe she's the judge.

Should have stopped by earlier today, steve. I had a head shot up.

Actually, I am sitting on a picture that shows me in a V-necked sweater, very short skirt with a slit, and high-heeled black leather boots. Trouble is, I don't have the right to distribute it. And I'm pretty sure posting it on one's blog doesn't really fall under fair use, even if one doesn't have ads.

If its polysyllabic, or slightly archaic - its Monty.

I AM A PERSON!

This sandy burger fellow is not a man to be trusted! I have it on captial authority that he was lately seen in the company of ruffians in Cheapside, accosting young gentle-ladies. Foreign ruffians, I might add; swarthy chaps with a quite ferocious aspect. I shouldn't doubt they were Hottentots or some such. This sandy burger seems to care not a fig for propriety or the grace due an English lady.

He should be horsewhipped and hung from Tyburn tree, by God!

Sure thing, Mrs. Peel. (Or, should I say, "Gary".)

Wait??!? Ace is a loser?

I need to defend my Snuggly's honor! Who wants a piece*?

*=For the sum of $250 per hour

Pretty sad, Monty's actually kicking our asses with his schtick.

Trouble is, I don't have the right to distribute it.

That's odd; Juggs is usually quite liberal about such things.

Knitting? Like Sly Stallone in Demolition Man? Sweet.

But you shouldn't feel threatened by Ace's feminine side, lauraw. I'm sure your maternal instincts will kick in soon. Lots of women have given birth in their early 50s, so by the look of you, you've probably got at least 2 or 3 years left. The only question is whether those ziplock bags you call breasts will develop some milk, or whether your baby will be sucking rib through extra layers of skin.

And shawn, there's a typo in your post. You misspelled "a cock in each hand and one in his mouth."

Yeah, we're getting the Full Monty today.

The body type I observed is about as likely to be in Juggs, as mine would be in Twinks.

Hey Bart, when you're done waxing your bikini line, care to join the discussion?

Only $250 per hour?

You should charge more!

For the sum of $250 per hour

That cooter better be gold-lined for that price!

$250??

I think you have wildly overestimated the appeal of your warty tuna, madam.

Wait??!? Ace is a loser?

I need to defend my Snuggly's honor! Who wants a piece*?

*=For the sum of $250 per hour"

I've got my 21 bucks ready to go.
5 minutes and you'll get snuggling too!

Yes, steve_in_hb, Monty is evidently not as observant as he would have us believe. I was very confused when he brought up "sweater-ponies" as I felt it was evident I couldn't possibly live up to his standards in this area.

But then, you wouldn't expect a man who looks for women at Wally's Bowl-a-rama to have very high standards.

I think you have wildly overestimated the appeal of your warty tuna, madam.

And I think you've wildly underestimated the desperation of the typical AoS HQ reader, LauraW.

I regret only that I live in a so-called "civilized age", where I may only point out the various ways in which the various defects and deficiencies of those who write hereon gall me exceedingly. I would that I lived in a simpler but more just time, when I could have you all clapped in irons and branded an enemy of the King! A red-hot iron in the eye-socket would teach you some respect, by Tophet!

Considering BrewFan's experience, he may well believe all cooters are gold-lined.

But soft! What doth I do to make it hard? I wish to duel in my chamber, Lord Dockbottom...yet your sword can't be desheathed! Perhaps we shall to the apothecary for a snip of the plant sildenafil citrate four hours before the duel.

Brewfan,

you're so cheap.

I hear Vegas whores get $1,000/hour.

My boyfriend who lives in Vegas told me that.

ahhhh, wait a minute!!!

"Monty is evidently not as observant..."

Monty is such a language fag that he probably barely looked at your picture because it took him away from his dictionary.

Bring a raincoat, Montgomery.

It costs 250 large for me to kick your butt Feisty-style (fuzzy handcuffs, Paddle of Naughtiness (TM). Anything else is quite a fee more.

I bet I'm not the only one that just googled Tophet...

You might be, Matt. The rest of us just ignore Monty.

But then, you wouldn't expect a man who looks for women at Wally's Bowl-a-rama to have very high standards.

Hey, I met you outside the men's toilet at the Conoco out by I-90; my scheme was to start small and work my way up from there.

Yeah, I can't resist. I wish they had such a thing when I went to school. :) Big step up from the Slate...

Monty - Thats funny, she also said "my scheme was to start small and work my way up from there.'"

Now, don't put Monty down. He offered to take me to Stuckey's, so he's a real gentleman!

I hear Vegas whores get $1,000/hour.
My boyfriend who lives in Vegas told me that.

Michael, didn't Civetta say she had a new boyfriend?

Dave: I've got my 21 bucks ready to go.
5 minutes and you'll get snuggling too!

Baby, I'll throw in the snugglin' for free. Special offer for those who kicked my ass HARD LONG AND STRONG in the blog awards...this offer is despite the fact that you said you'd blogroll me and you didn't.

I suppose 21 bucks works out to 21 bucks-a-thrust. Not bad.

What pulers and whiners do I see here! What poverty of wit! What starvelings of the intellect! Had I known the company here to be so bereft of those things which make for happy society, I should have gone to Merrimack's instead and whiled away the evening playing at whist.

fuzzy handcuffs, Paddle of Naughtiness (TM).

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but for me you'll need the 2x4 of Naughtiness.

Had I known the company here to be so bereft of those things which make for happy society ...

You'd be back on the couch where you usually are, wacking off to the audio of scrambled pay-per-view porn.

Now, don't put Monty down. He offered to take me to Stuckey's, so he's a real gentleman!

That's because you're quality, Lipstick. The tangerine lipstick, tube-top, and Daisy Duke shorts only round out what is an already-great package.

Michael, didn't Civetta say she had a new boyfriend?

Well, damn, he did come home the other night smelling of alley cat.

I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but for me you'll need the 2x4 of Naughtiness.

Brew: You bring the money...mmm....and I'll give you some wood.

Attention Pittsburgh fans! I've laid my hands on the Denver Bronco's game plan for this weekend: Give Jerome Bettis the ball!

and I'll give you some wood

Hey, I don't hit from that side of the plate! Not that there's anything wrong with that.

The tangerine lipstick, tube-top, and Daisy Duke shorts only round out what is an already-great package.

So that was you peekin' in the window of my double-wide last night!

Honey, by the time I flipped the curtains looking for what the dogs was barking at, that tangerine lipstick was long gone. Let's just say it was "redistributed".

You think Feisty is a man, too? Figures.

BrewFan -

Hey, I don't hit from that side of the plate!

Thats the point - you aint going to be doing the hitting.

Brew: You bring the money...mmm....and I'll give you some wood.

BTW, any mail-in-rebate offers this week? AAA discounts?

AoS readers, their cheeks flushed, exclaim, "Oh my God! Greg- I mean Lipstick! Lipstick just made an insinuation about masturbation! And I get to read about it in ASCII in my living room!! Hot!!! I better grab a dirty sock and open up acesdirtymom.com again! BOOKMARK! BOOKMARK!!!!"

Michael, didn't Civetta say she had a new boyfriend?

Yes, I believe she did.

Sad to think of the depths to which a man will sink in order to avoid the hairy-footed embrace of an unwanted girlfriend.

Honey, by the time I flipped the curtains looking for what the dogs was barking at, that tangerine lipstick was long gone. Let's just say it was "redistributed".

Actually...that answers a question I had. My best hypothesis had to do with an apocalyptic yeast infection or an accident involving an apparatus and a can of orange Krylon spray-paint. It's not the kind of thing I could just bring up, but I appreciate your clarification.

Did anyone judge the Bolton moustache gig?

"Lipstick just made an insinuation about masturbation!"

Nope, don't think I did. ?

"that answers a question I had. My best hypothesis had to do with an apocalyptic yeast infection or an accident involving an apparatus and a can of orange Krylon spray-paint."

Oh, you guys are so out of it. Yes, I was talking about spray paint. Yep. That's it.

You think Feisty is a man, too? Figures.

For the record, Sandy, I think so too. I'm curious as to why you are so certain.

I actually thought she was going for an insinuation about fellatio.

Quoth the good Lady Fiesty:

But soft! What doth I do to make it hard? I wish to duel in my chamber, Lord Dockbottom...yet your sword can't be desheathed! Perhaps we shall to the apothecary for a snip of the plant sildenafil citrate four hours before the duel.

Now let us away to your chamber, my brave beauty; the sap doth rise!

Brew: BTW, any mail-in-rebate offers this week? AAA discounts?

Check your email, I hit you with my discount coupon.

BTW, Snuggly hit me XXXtra hard with a request to be a guest-blogger and apparently he went off to the knitting club without telling me HOW to post my crud on this blog. SNUGGLES! Yo!

HOW to post my crud

Must....not...say it...

Sweet Jeebus who put the potpourri on slow boil in here? What a jacked-up love-fest!

You go to WalMart for an hour and come back to a suckmenoyoufirst luv in.

lauraw, have the scabs healed up babe? No more red streaks under the skin?

Check your email, I hit you with my discount coupon.

Nope. Only thing in my email was something about free pony rides. Oh, wait...

Yeah, Mrs. D in T says she is all better now Dave, you can take her out of quarantine.

Next time you'll think twice before you hire Feisty to give her a rimjob.

I blame Monty. And Brewfan.

Mmm. Lord Dockbottom, thou art a gent of wise nature! Perhaps you can whisper sweet thesaurical orations into my ears whilst samplin' mine lobe. My cheeks shine of a rosen lustre when I think of these dreams Venus doth me given.

I told Feisty to wash up after your nooner lauraw. Gave her a flashlight and everything.

I go to Walmart to all all my goods
The grandma greeter gets me sporting wood

Why can't we be freinds
Why can't we be freinds
Why can't we be freinds
Why can't we be freinds

...Hmmm?

Oh, sorry Dave, I was just watching that video of your mom with the midgets and the donkey.

She's quite spry for her age, isnt she!

Hey Dave, I hear Vince changed his mind and is staying one more year. Says he can't afford the pay cut right now!

"Gave her a flashlight and everything."

Help me find my keys and we'll drive out of here.

She's quite spry for her age, isnt she!

When they put the artificial hip in, they made sure she had a full range of motion.

Dorothy Dave-in-Texas is a saint! You understand me? Dorothy Dave-in-Texas is a saint!

Brewfan, Tennessee's already projected 2x what you saps pay all of Milwaukee's Best.

Dorothy Dave-in-Texas is a saint

He's right. I know because once in a while Dorothy likes me to play the sinner.

Michael, why are you misspelling "friends"?

Is that like, an Ohio thing? Lawyer? whut?

Damn, Dorothy, I haven't been this chapped and ragged since I fucked that gator in Florida!

Forsooth, just when the osama thread was taking off, young Miss Potty Mouth decides to distract all of the not-so-juvenile deliguents over to this rather tasteless food fight.

I shall now take up my needlepoint and retire in good order to my velvet-lined igloo in northern Minnesota where I shall hopefully be out of harm's (or at any rate Feisty's) way.

Brewfan, Tennessee's already projected 2x what you saps pay all of Milwaukee's Best.

Don't kid yourself. He'll still be there when the Packers pick 5th. But they'll bypass Vince and instead draft a punter :(

Your mom is simply amazing, Dave.

A whole midget just disappeared.

She's like a human clown car.

He's right. I know because once in a while Dorothy likes me to play the sinner.

or Peter Pan. That really made her laugh.

A whole midget just disappeared.

pot roast.

don't make me spell it out.

Ah, my lady Feisty, your concupiscence is, as ever, a tonic. But I have not the skills to express, thus I let the estimable Ben Jonson speak in my stead:

Queen, and huntress, chaste and fair,
Now the sun is laid to sleep,
Seated in thy silver chair,
State in wonted manner keep;
    Hesperus entreats thy light,
    Goddess excellently bright.

Perhaps chaste pushes the doors of Truth a bit wider than we wish, but an eiderdown bed beckons beyond the door....

I've never understood why people hate Cedric Errol so much. All he did was be his father's son. It's not his fault that his dad and both his uncles died, leaving him as the eldest male descendant of the Earl of Dorincourt, and therefore Lord Fauntleroy.

Anyway, er...Food fight!

Fauntleroy, not so fast! Big ice fishin' action in Brainerd this weekend! For example the 100th largest fish wins ya $10,000. Men with large cash prizes?!?!? You're gonna have to go all the way to Canada to avoid me.

I recognize this poem

Queen, and huntress, chaste and fair
a dingleberry on her derriere

velvet-lined igloo

That's velveteen, you Philistine. Velveteen. The only fabric of the true voluptuary.

I shall now take up my needlepoint and retire in good order to my velvet-lined igloo in northern Minnesota . . .

Prithee sir, take pity on Tigger, your dear cat. The poor beastie is ill, and should not be forced to succomb yet again to your unwholesome lusts. In the name of all that is holy, sir, I beg you to take pity, and do not force upon Tigger the unnatural fruits of your frustrations, arising from your own utter lack of success with the fairer sex at the Bowl-O-Rama.

For the record, Sandy, I think so too. I'm curious as to why you are so certain.

Well, I'm not 100% certain that Festy is a man. It's just a hunch, really. Kinduv like the one on LauraW's back.

She's like a human clown car.

LMAO!

Michael:

The operator of that Nuevo Laredo glory-hole operation called -- you left without collecting last week's check. They said they'd send it home with your mother; your sister said she was going to stay behind and pick up a few extra bucks, it being Appreciate the Mexican Army week and all.

I hope Tigger is doing well.

Honey, by the time I flipped the curtains looking for what the dogs was barking at

don't tie your shoelaces so tight Bigfoot, your dogs won't bark so loud.

LMAO!

watch your ass barrister, that's my mother you're giggling at.

Mrs. Peel wrote:
I actually thought she was going for an insinuation about fellatio.

Re-reading it, I think you're right, Gary. It's just... the thought that any man would be interested was too much for my brain to handle. But then, I forget where I am.

failing first-rate fornication, fanatical, fiendish friends fashion fawning, faux-ferocious flamewar, fomenting freaky fixations.

Finding Feisty fascinating. Free facial, furry?

Lipstick:

Thanks, but she's not doing so hot. It's cancer, and it's probably going to carry her off pretty soon.

My concupiscence of legend is only will cease when mine eyes gaze upon the malchiseled forme of Bartholemew, Earl of Scatter.

Monty, I'm really sorry.

the rest of you, ignore this human moment.

I mean it!

I hope Tigger is doing well.

Yeah, keep us posted.

Wanker Wiserbud wishes we would want weak witticisms.

Goodness, wiserbud, how long did it take you to come up with that?

Reminds me of a German tongue twister: "Wenn Fliegen hinter Fliegen fliegen, fliegen Fliegen Fliegen nach."

Bartholemew, Earl of Scatter

That's actually a lower-digestive disorder he's got.

Just thought you'd want to know.

Frau Peel!

Setzen Sie dich!

alles fur now... something,. whatever

Mrs. Peel, that reminds me of a German tongue-twister:

Suck it, fraulein.

Lady Feisty,

Bartholemew, Earl of Scatter

It pains me to carry such troublesome news to so fair a lady, but I must report that Sir Bartholomew has been taken into custody for disturbing the King's peace. His fondness (need I elucidate?) for rodents and small birds has apparently become so obvious as to offend the propriety of His Majesty.

Sir Bartholomew will be pilloried tomorrow near Charing Cross Road. Spectators are advised to bring rotten cabbages to fling at him.

Methinks I did hear a the yipp! yipp! of a crying hound when the Earl of Scatter doth sit down to tea.

I shall forthwith to the cabbaging.

"It's cancer, and it's probably going to carry her off pretty soon."

Poor sweetie.

I'm sorry. Give her a pet from me.

Well, I've got to go take Ace's mom for a walk. Have a good night, everyone!

seriously stupid statements stupendously simple since seeing sad statements scrolling southward

Sandy,

I would, but I don't want to get premature wrinkles from having to keep my lips pursed.

Oh, what am I saying...thirty seconds isn't nearly long enough to have that effect.

And by the way, the a in "fräulein" has an umlaut.

Thanks for all the well-wishing about Tigger. Check my blog over the next few days for reports. Now: flame away!

Fraulein Peel:

Parieren mich! Fort ihrer Knien! Machst Du den Mund auf!

Ahh , das heißt wundervoll.

Oh dear, dear, dear. Of course igloos in northern Minnesota are lined with velveteen. I do humbly apologize for my upper-classist assumption - too many years in my castle in northern Scotland. But Montague (if I may be so presumptious), what colors does your velveteen come in, besides fuschia of course. (Before we take this any further, please tell me that you pronounce montague with at least 4 syllables or this correspondence will be ended by my butler's footman.)

As for the bestiality squadron (Michael, brewfart and larry the urban turd) Tigger is resting comfortably in the tender arms of the rather delicious Mrs. Peel, safely out of your harm's way.

And as for fiesty, I gather she will be kept busy by bart (Yes I'm giving him a little attention - noblesse oblige and all that) and I will remain safe and chaste in my tartan-lined stone keep, where I look down on the huddled and befuddled masses posting on this somewhat louche board.

And by the way, the a in "fräulein" has an umlaut.

So what? I have a rash that's shaped like the island of Corfu.

And by the way, the a in "fräulein" has an umlaut

Reagan declared umlauts commie claptrap until the wall comes down.

Monty,

You are a weenie cat lover.

neener neener!

I would, but I don't want to get premature wrinkles from having to keep my lips pursed.

Fair enough. I never said I was Dick Cheney.

Oh, what am I saying...thirty seconds isn't nearly long enough to have that effect.

OK, now you're just confusing me with Michael. Not. Cool. Not even in a flamewar.

So, Michael, you also have a book on German hookers? Now that's versatility.

By the way, Cedric, I'm allergic to cats. Very allergic. So there will be no cats in my arms, because I would get a rash that, as steve_in_hb would point out, would not be shaped like the Himalayas.

So, twenty seconds then?

Sandy - Just paint it like a rocket and Mrs Peel will be obsessed with it. Blog entries and everything. Then you can bust out cheesy lines like

"Mrs. Peel, may I explore Uranus."

"Mrs. Peel, may I explore Uranus."

Oh, like I'd have to ask.

Mrs. Peel -

My ex-wife is a 95lb. Chinese woman, so Himalayas are not required. Neither apparantly is ass, hips, etc.

I would get a rash that, as steve_in_hb would point out, would not be shaped like the Himalayas.

We could get your rash and my rash together, and our rashes could make beautiful music together.

Anon! I go onward to the Isle of Corfu to retire into the excoriated arms of Lord Mortgomery Dockbottom!

Good night, vile souls. May the Devil ablate your sin before you visit our Lord in death.

Well, I might have a little rocket envy.

But my favorite part about rockets is watching the engines ignite, and seeing all those thousands of pounds of thrust take them clear up into the air.

And then they fall off. Leaving the payload to get to low earth orbit by itself, so to speak.

"We could get your rash and my rash together, and our rashes could make beautiful music together."

Rustle, rustle.

reminds me of a joke:

What do you get when you cross a 95lb Chinese woman with steve_in_hb?

Alimony payments

Twenty seconds? You will need at least a minute and a half to find Mr. Billy (as I call him, affectionately), and no less than 4 and a half minutes to rouse his attentions.

Did you know my daughter Helen lived until 1987? And she was named after my beloved Helen?

Do any other Aggies know that? Do they still teach history at Texas Agricultural and Mineral University? What minerals do they major in?

Monty, where did you say your rash was?

I must follow the example of the good Lady Feisty and bid all a good evening. I must hasten to my carrel at the Admiralty upon the morn, and thus must sleep the sleep of the just to-night.

chin

wiserbud -

No alimony. I went for a quick, full on fisting, instead of a long lasting 1 finger probe.

If you were really witty you could have made the joke using alliteration.

Slanteye Steals Steve's Salary

I gotta rocket in my po-cket!

Mrs. Peel:

I can't say. But I'll show you. C'mere and let Uncle Monty show you something interesting....

(But seriously...I gotta go. 'Night all.)

DAMMIT!! And after al the practice I've had lately.

So, Michael, you also have a book on German hookers? Now that's versatility.

Actually, I was an exchange student in Hamburg back in the day. My German is pretty rusty, but adequate to negotiate a reasonable rate for "long time."

You keep trying to sell that long time and none of us are buying it. I don't think you need more than about 37 seconds in the dark corner of a bus stop.

Like this: "Zwei hundert Euros für lange zeit. Nichts mehr!"

I took 6 years of German, and now I barely remember a word outside the poems we memorized. But that does mean I know how to say "I love you, your beautiful figure delights me! And if you are not willing, I shall use force!"

And it rhymes.

You keep trying to sell that long time

steve_in_hb:

I don't think I have previously mentioned "long time" here. Are you lurking at Mrs. Peel's site?

after attending alter, asian acquires attorney and accountant, aggressively abducts abode,

Michael - yeah, you did. Remember the Brazilian Portuguese hooker thing with Kevlar? That was here.

Wasn't that you yesterday in reference to communicating with the "Hookers of Rio"?

If not, I apologize.

Rumor has it that I have a heart of gold so won't be participating tonight...but for the record, Lipstick, I wasn't the culprit.

wiserbud -

Huang Halves Home, Hurts Heart

Gotta run chilluns. The voices are telling me I need to stay home tomorrow and clean the guns.

snide simp sends sympathy. sometimes satire stupid. So, since separation, seen snatch?

now I barely remember a word s

Lipstick:

I had about six years of German too, but I also had the experience of living there on a summer exchange program. When I came back from Germany, I could actually dream in German. It was kind of cool. But that was 30 years ago.

Now, my German really sucks, but I still try to use it if I am in a German-speaking country. Of course, they all speak better English than my German, so it's kind of pointless. But I do it anyway.

If you travel to a German-speaking country, I would urge you to give it a try. Listen to some language tapes on the flight over just to refresh yourself on basic phrases. Don't be shy. It really doesn't matter how bad you are. They will warm up to you instantly if you try (and that's not normal for Germans).

I've actually encountered this all over the world. A little effort to speak the native language will yield rich rewards in terms of the relationships you can establish. It's not that hard. Memorize about ten basic phrases on the flight over. And remember, it doesn't matter how bad you are, they will be delighted that you tried. People just don't expect that from Americans.

wiserbud -

Ladies lovely, lustful
Legitimate Love Lacking

Michael: you mistook a one-legged sylph for Bigfoot? No wonder you don't do well with the ladies...

That was me, not Lipstick.

Actually, I spent about three weeks in Germany a few years ago, and generally they answered my German queries in English. Also, I got a lot of weird looks when I asked for non-carbonated water.

The Italians were the most polite by far of all the foreigners I've encountered (the French were the rudest, of course). In Italy, I learned the crucial word Fragola, which I used to order gelato. In France, I learned to make sure someone you trust stands behind you on the Metro. And in Germany, I learned that a Nazi work camp is probably not the best side trip with which to finish one's visit. (No, I didn't set the schedule.)

If not, I apologize.

No, you're right. I guess I've worn out the "long time" joke.

That was me, not Lipstick.

Sorry, Mrs. Peel. When I am well into the Jack Daniels, sometimes the women-with-whom-I-have-insanely-obscene-fantasies tend to blur together.

I hope you will forgive me. Thank God I didn't call you Sparkle.

multiple muffs might minimize misery, meanwhile meaningful match much more magical. Metaphysical? Maybe.

Mattress mustering mandatory. Maintain, man.

(seriously, dude, good luck.)

Confusion, memory loss - Are you sure you're drinking JD and not absinthe?

No prob, dude. And now, to sleep.

Hmm... I dare say this one's been hit over the fence. Sorry, guys.

From
http://www.washingtonmonthly.com/archives/individual/2006_01/008046.php

Indian tribes that hired Jack Abramoff gave money to both Democrats and Republicans. That much is indisputable. But was this money "directed" by Abramoff or was it money that the tribes would have given anyway? Brad DeLong notes that one way to tell is to compare the pattern of pre-Abramoff contributions to post-Abramoff contributions:

"For example, the Saginaw Chippewa gave $279,000 to Democrats over 1997-2000, and $277,000 over 2001-2004 (note from scar: this represents a DECREASE), after they had gotten into bed with Abramoff. It is a safe bet that *none* of those contributions to Democrats were "directed" by Abramoff. The Saginaw Chippewa gave $158,000 to Republicans in 1997-2000, and $500,000 to Republicans in 2001-2004 (note from scar: this represents an INCREASE), after they had gotten into bed with Abramoff. It is a safe bet that $340,000 of those contributions to Republicans were "directed" by Abramoff."

Brad then links to a Bloomberg story that provides further evidence of how Abramoff directed his clients' money:

"Of the top 10 political donors among Indian tribes in that period, three are former clients of Abramoff and Scanlon: the Saginaw Chippewa Tribe of Michigan, the Mississippi Band of Choctaw Indians, and the Agua Caliente Band of Cahuilla Indians of California. All three gave most of their donations to Republicans — by margins of 30 percentage points or more — while the rest favored Democrats."

So: Indian tribes usually give most of their money to Democrats, while Abramoff clients — and only Abramoff clients — give most of their money to Republicans. Coincidence? I think not.

Yeah, I think that pretty well establishes the facts. Let me sum this up:

After Abramoff established his relationship with his "indian cronies", they gave ***LESS*** money to Democrats!

Let me emphasize that one more time:

LESS!

Conversely, to the Republicans, they gave... more.

So, um, yeah. I'm sure your correction will be forthcoming. Or maybe you'll spin this as Abramoff trying to clean up the Democrats' dirty act. The man oughtta be beatified...

starshapedstar,

Hello.

Hey, at least Scarshapedstar put up a post that didn't use the death of a named, close friend to score cheap political points.

So, you know. Baby steps.

My ex-wife is a 95lb. Chinese woman, so Himalayas are not required. Neither apparantly is ass, hips, etc.

Weird. I always figured Ace for a white guy.

LESS!

I don't know, scarshapedstar. I think the bold tags were a nice touch and all, but an extra large font would have been the way to go with this one. See, try this on for size:
LESS!
That way, it really strikes fear into the hearts of the republicans. You'll thank me later.

What is this fascism? Preview shows the large font, but when it posts it's the same size as the other text? Scarshapedstar, I apologize if I've underestimated you. We're both in this together, and we may have to resort to using underlines. They drove us to it with their republican LIES!!!!

Well, I tried the same thing in the other thread, but noooo, they said, it's a Democrat scandal. When people completely ignore basic principles of causality, you gotta bust out the bold+italic.

Scar-whatever,

2001-2004 Democrates lost seats in the House and Senate (note from Biff: this represents a DECREASE). 2001-2004 Republicans gained seats in the House and Senate (note from Biff: this represents an INCREASE).

If you want to follow the money, first you have to follow the elected officials. You know. Which the money follows. Because lobbyists buy influence from people that have it, not thos that don't.

And if it was the other way around, where the Democrats where picking up seats, then they would be getting more money.

And,

if the Republicans lost seats during this period,

then they would be offered less money.

Because they would then have less influence.

to buy.

Is this slow enough for you? Hey, where was the casino money going before the Democrats lost control of the House in 1994?

Just wondering.

I'm happy with any politician getting busted for corruption, though. If the democrats can sink some crooked republicans, more power to 'em. Seriously.

Similar to the way predators prey on the weakest of the herd, I would say that this helps us evolve into a better and more honest political party, via survival of the fittest. Except, we're the creationists, so I can't say that. Damn.

Scarshapedstar, you've thwarted my plans again!!!

Hey, I met you outside the men's toilet at the Conoco out by I-90; my scheme was to start small and work my way up from there.

Kind of makes a whole new meaning for the term Mass. Pike, donit?

There's very little sting in this for me. Everytime this shit comes around, the GOP gets stronger and the DNC gets more corroded.

Rep. Ney will get sloughed off while Patrick Kennedy gets a pass. The GOP thins the herd while the DNC packs the fat.

Sort of like Strom Thurmond's segregationist comments from a half century ago result in the GOP forcing Trent Lott out of the Leader position in the Senate while the card-carrying KKK Senator from West Virginny remains the ranking member of the Appropriations Committee.

The GOP gets leaner while the DNC continues to fester.

A little effort to speak the native language will yield rich rewards in terms of the relationships you can establish.

MICHAEL'S TRAVEL TIPS

One of the phrases that you should learn is "How much?" Like, in Spanish you would say "Cuanto?" Then you point at the object you want.

Now, the following advice assumes that you're not in America, or Western Europe, or anywhere else where most people know English. You're at a native market in Peru or something.

So, you say "How much" and point. They will give you a bid, normally by punching it into a calculator and showing it to you (you should be able to do a rough calculation converting to dollars in your head).

How you respond is critical. Outside of America and Western Europe and major cities anywhere, many cultures are one step removed from barter economies, and they expect you to negotiate. So, when you get the bid, you roll your eyes and head for the door. The proprietor pulls you back, and you start to negotiate.

This can be a lot of fun. You need to understand that the proprietor was not offended by your lurch toward the door; he or she does not think it was rude; you actually established some credibility by doing this.

So you relax, prepare to spend some time, and negotiate. You exchange numbers on the calculator.

My best experience was in Tangiers, in the Casbah, where the proprietor of a rug store actually was coaching me on how to negotiate with him. It involved drinking a lot of tea, and he taught me a hand-slapping ritual that was is by Morrocans to to narrow the bid-ask spread. As a lawyer, the interesting thing to me about this rug merchant was that he was more interested in the relationship with me than the deal. And the hand-slapping ritual was far removed from the Western notion of "contracts" that are enforceable in court. It was all about personal honor.

Of course, I was no match for this guy. During the negotiation, I attempted to bitch about the economic burden of my two kids, which constrained the amount I could pay for his rugs. That was a mistake. He whipped out his wallet to proudly show me the pictures of his eight kids.

At the end of this negotiation, we did the "deal done" hand-slap. I spent about $3,000 on hand-loomed pure wool Morrocan rugs with rather elaborate patterns. I paid him, and I trusted that he would ship them to me, and he did.

When I've gotten them cleaned here by our local oriental rug dealer, I've been told that they would have cost about five times that in the U.S.

Those rugs are on the floors of my house today. I treasure them, not just because they look good, but because of what I learned from the seller that I never would have learned when I was at the University of Michigan business school:

Business is about relationships, and trust, and personal honor.

Dude, you made that shit up, right?

Shit Shit Shit. I lost my telephone service and missed flamig you tards.
But if I was here, you guys probably would have ditched me anyway. So screw you.

I'm late, but here goes nothin'

Sandy, I do not wax.

I use an epilator. Less messy.

$250/hour? Feisty, the girl who's never been laid, I don't give a tin monkey about your hourly rate.
You would pay me for sex.

It's very very difficult for a woman to talk sex and be un-sexy. Mrs. Peel, however, is adroit at doing so.
Also, Mrs. Peel does great pelican impressions.

Michael, just today I was missing the Purple Avenger and his handy house tips he used to post out of the blue. Thanks to you, I feel close to him .

I love the smell of flame wars in the morning!

BTW, scar baby, when I got through pounding your sister's squeakhole last night, she asked me why you would post your moonbat screed into a flame war thread. I said, "He's needy baby. Needy. Now turn over. You've got some cleanup to do before your mom gets here."

Sandy, I do not wax.
I use an epilator. Less messy. - Bart

Pussy. Real men use a plane. Its what Gillette Mach 3 could be if it had balls.

Sandy, I do not wax.
I use an epilator. Less messy. - Bart

Pussy. Real men use a plane. Its what Gillette Quattro could be if it grew some balls.
Wimps like you are are what's holding the razor industry back. It's 2006 and we've only advanced 1 blade in the past 4 years thanks to your ilk.

Damn - I need to get one of you guys to call me when a flamewar starts. I miss all the good stuff. Damn family. It's keeps pulling me away.

It's very very difficult for a woman to talk sex and be un-sexy. Mrs. Peel, however, is adroit at doing so.

Now you know what Michael meant when he said I was talented (on an earlier thread). I successfully deterred his raging libido. And believe me, that takes talent.

I successfully deterred his raging libido. And believe me, that takes talent.

a fire-hose and a baseball bat give you a fighting chance.

"I lost my telephone service" - Bart

Those ice storms in the Ozarks can be brutal, can't they?

Or did you spend all your money calling that 900 number that Feisty and Michael operate?

If Michael ran a 1-900 operation, he'd owe himself so much damn money he'd have to sell his house.

Dude, you made that shit up, right?

No. I actually bought those rugs in Tangiers.

just today I was missing the Purple Avenger and his handy house tips he used to post out of the blue.

Hey, it's an OPEN thread. If I want to share my drunken musings about buying rugs, isn't this the place for it?

You shouldn't haggle much if you don't know the actual price.

I've seen people be badly ripped off. But I've also seen people do the whole bargaining drama trying to shave a few cents off of what is already a reasonable price, much to the annoyance of the over-worked and under-paid vendor who really just wants to do his job with minimum fuss.

Bargaining is a good thing to know how to do, but you need to know what a reasonable price is, you need to know whether or not bargaining is customary in that situation, and you need to pay attention to the fine distinction between being a smart shopper and being a jerk.

and you need to pay attention to the fine distinction between being a smart shopper and being a jerk.

I'll never get the hang of haggling. Me, I just panic and pay too much.

Me, I just panic and pay too much.

Festy, you really should get to know this Geoff fellow.

Because I'm such a sorry haggler, I've always liked it when the car dealers have the No-Haggle pricing. No recriminations, no stress, just pay the man.

But we just leased a car from a Honda dealer here with "No-Haggle" pricing. And my wife jumps in and starts hacking at the price. I'm staring at her agape, because she's normally as bad as I am at bargaining. Plus - it's futile, 'cuz the price is the price, right?

Turns out that "No-Haggle" pricing means that that's the price you pay if you don't haggle. She knocked the price down by almost 10%.

But now I don't know whether *I* will ever be able to buy a car - even the safe haggle-free havens have haggling aplenty. Sigh.

Business is about relationships, and trust, and personal honor.

Personal honor? Wow. You were even drunker than I was last night, Michael.

Nice try, biff. But the number of Republicans in the House didn't triple during Abramoff's reign of terror. Their take from the indians did. So, it seems you guys are still way, way ahead on the money-to-congressman ratio.

Coincidentally, of course.

Buy a Saturn, Geoff. Their no haggle pricing is real.

From the little I know about this whole affair, I'm inclined to agree with you on this one, scarshapedstar. And I think you should savor the moment, because democrat victories are few and far between these days.

From the little I know about this whole affair

Sandy, you've accidently hit upon what I like to call BrewFan's corollary: The less you know about any given topic the more likely you are to take the Democrat position

Biff Boff:
The GOP thins the herd while the DNC packs the fat.
...
The GOP gets leaner while the DNC continues to fester.

Yeah, the contrast between Trent Lott and Robert Byrd is striking, isn't it? And Trent Lott's sin was more one of cluelessness than actual racism, anyhow. (Not that I disagree with what happened to him, mind you.)

All these years of media bias against the right have made the right stronger, so now that the left-wing media monopoly is cracking up, the left is really in big trouble.

geoff -

The haggling strategy I've used in the past consists of the following:

1) Marry ethnic woman
2) Shop at stores that cater to that ethnicity
3) Stand around bored while wife and vendor jabber away in non-English
4) Carry item to car

Sort of like what you did but less emasculating - "Gee honey I would have helped, but my Mandarin isn't up to it."

I found I was more important when something went wrong with the product or service - the wife liked the leverage she got by having a big fat polack behind her.

the wife liked the leverage she got by having a big fat polack behind her

Nice imagery.

Well, its the only time I was ever effective behind her.

Sort of like what you did but less emasculating . . .

Thanks Steve.

I'll be out in HB next week, BTW. Haven't been out there in months - it'll be nice to see the ocean again.

geoff -

Your family looks much too nice to expose them to the drunks, stoners, surf/skate punks, semi-clad barely legal girls, tattoos, etc.

Your family looks much too nice to expose them to the drunks, stoners, surf/skate punks, semi-clad barely legal girls, tattoos, etc.

It's just me on a very quick business trip. Getting in pretty late Wed. and leaving at 5 on Thursday.

"I'll be out in HB next week, BTW."

You'll enjoy it geoff. It's gorgeous here today.

Steve: are you in Huntington or Her-mosa?

(funny, it wouldn't let me say Her*osa)

Steve: are you in Huntington or Her-mosa?

Huntington Beach.

Lipstick - Huntington Beach. I was in Her-mosa a few weeks ago. Went to a Korean seafood restaurant. Are you in the area?

Geoff - Too bad you aren't in town longer. I would have shown you the hilarity that is Vietnamese coffee houses and told you embarrassing stories about Ace.

I would have shown you the hilarity that is Vietnamese coffee houses and told you embarrassing stories about Ace.

That would be fun. I lived in SoCal for 18 years, but never once went to a Vietnamese coffee house, nor heard any embarrassing stories about Ace.

Steve - I'm in Manhattan Beach.

Small world.

I'm in the SF Bay Area. We should all get together and have a party. It would be awful.

"The less you know about any given topic the more likely you are to take the Democrat position"

Could this please be put up at the top, next to or instead of H L Mencken's quote? Without any reference to brewfan of course.

PS haven't heard from bart in a while. I guess the power to his trailer is still cut off.

geoff, my experiences were similar, until about 10 years ago when I read Remar Sutton's Don't Get Taken Every Time.

If you had asked me what a dealer considers a "reasonable profit" on the sale of a car was, I'd probably have said "thousand-fifteen hundred bucks".

I was really wrong.

It's an entertaining read, a little dated time-wise, but the techniques of selling cars haven't changed much at all.

Knowledge is what gives you negotiating power (to SJKevin's point). If you know what the car really costs, you can strike a fair deal.

Incidentally, one of the newer "hide the real cost" techniques, common with Toyota now, is to do the upgrades with a third party, where the offload the ship, or near the domestic plant. They aren't really "dealer option" codes, it's a summed up #. You can get through it, just takes a little more work.

It would be awful.

I dunno - there's lots of potential icebreakers. Lipstick's feet. Steve's Ace stories. Your Brokeback II - Sandy's Story screenplay . . .

Lipstick, geoff -

I had Ace out here a couple of years ago - talk about fish out of water. Every item of clothing he owned was 1) wool 2)gray/black/dark olive 3) long sleeved/ turtle necked/ etc.

Took him down to Dog Beach with my pooch. The sight of him walking down the beach smoking a butt on a beautiful, sunny day dressed in gray pants, black shoes and an olive drab sweater was hilarious. I don't think he can live anywhere but NYC.

We should have a party in Las Vegas!

Cheap airfare, gambling, booze, hookers--the AoS Lifestyle all in one place!

We should have a party in Las Vegas!

It has all the elements of the AoS Lifestyle all in one place!

Oops, it denied me the first post, so I took out what I thought might be the offending words. Guess they weren't so offensive.

We should have a party in Las Vegas!

That would be amusing.

"It has all the elements of the AoS Lifestyle all in one place!"

True AoS would be to stay off the strip though. And never leave the hotel bar.

I'm going to be there in April

"True AoS would be to stay off the strip though. And never leave the hotel bar."

Sounds excellent. I like Sam's Town--"the place where locals go to gamble"--it's not on the strip. Plus, that's where I met my darling while playing blackjack.

steve_in_hb,

Next time you go to that Vietnamese coffee house, say this to your waitress (i'm going to type it phonetically):

Toy moo-on dee ngew voy coe

She'll really like it. I promise.

Wow, you guys are efficient. A timeframe, a location, and an agenda. Now we need to make it tax deductible . . .

And she'll respond with:

Toy kowng tut ngew may jang muck yet.

And Dave in Texas is going to be there in April!

Dave, where are you going to be staying?

Then steve says "Toy kowng hee-o ting Viet, BrewFan told me to say it" and runs like hell

And she'll say: "Toy hee-o ting anh: Tell Brewfan I said to leave me alone!"

ong SJKevin hoc tieng Vietnam o dau?

the wife liked the leverage she got by having a big fat polack behind her.

There's something to that.

I had been buying plants from a nearby nursery for years and always got kind of a cold shoulder from the staff.
The first time I went in there with my husband was the first time any of them smiled or was nice to me.

Boys -

I know my limitations - I bring someone along who speaks Vietnamese. Even if I spoke the language, I wouldn't be able to communicate - all my senses are overwhelmed.

1) Hearing - Vietnamese pop and American pop sung in Vietnamese drowns everything out.

2) Smell - Overwhelmed by everybody smoking, using the little metal creamer pitchers as ashtrays.

3) Taste - Mouth already watering at the thought of that sweet, condensed milk ice coffee.

4) Touch - Distracted by the little pencils and keno cards.

5) Sight - Distracted by the waitresses in halter tops, skirts that are more like wide belts, and six inch heels.

lauraw -

My ex-wife used to handle all the admin stuff in the household, but call me in when someone was being unresponsive. She used to say, "Ok, I'm calling in the big guns. I need someone to be an asshole." And I was just the man for the job.

Her opinion was that the worst offenders at "ignore the woman, respond to the man" were other women.

Sorry, BrewFan, I couldn't understand that last one. You've called my bluff. I only know a tiny bit of Vietnamese, and I've never been to Vietnam.

Lipstick, at the Rio

Her opinion was that the worst offenders at "ignore the woman, respond to the man" were other women.

Oh, definitely. Bitches don't want to show that side to you when the man is there.

In my case, though, I'm pretty sure its because they thought I was puerto rican.

"In my case, though, I'm pretty sure its because they thought I was puerto rican."

Oh, well the lack of respect is understandable then;-)

A Puerto Rican girl I'm friends with was dating an Irish guy - from Ireland. His family came to visit and they all went out to dinner.

The family gets drunk, and the mom makes the following statement: "One sons with a Chinese, the other with a Puerto Rican. What's the third going to bring home, a gorilla?"

She called me from the east coast in tears.

*JAW DROPS*

Holy. Effin. Shit.

nuh-uh!

Gotta take off, but if there's a serious desire to rendezvous in Vegas in April, I'd be up for it.

What's the third going to bring home, a gorilla?

Nice.

Reminds me of the special Thanskgiving I had with my family my freshman year, when I brought my roommate home with me (he was from Detriot and couldn't afford the trip home till Christmas),

and I found out just what a bigot my dad really was.

we didn't stay long...

good times, good times.

Make it late April. Or even early May. You wouldn't want to miss your old pal Sandy, would you?

SJKevin,

No probs. You did good. I was a Vietnamese linguist in Uncle Sam's Big Green Machine but never went to Vietnam. The Paris Peace accords were signed a couple of months before I started language school to learn North Vietnamese. Now you also know why I'm a Christian :)

I wouldn't sandy.

4/16-21 late enough?

Are we bringing spouses? If so, in the next couple of months I've got a lot of 'splaining to do . . .

Michael,

lol! I would be exactly in the same boat.

I'm already rehearsing: "Honey, I'm going to go have drinks with a bunch of guys from the internet. You're cool with that, right?"

FYI, 4/16 is Easter Sunday. Tax returns are due on 4/17. Half of us will be broke on 4/18.

Lipstick to Boyfriend: "Well, honey, yes, pretty much all of them have hit on me. Those whacky guys hit on everyone. They hit on each other. What's your point?"

Lipstick to Boyfriend: "No, I don't tease them. How dare you suggest that! Well, I did describe my nice shapely perky breasts, but, you know, we were just goofing around."

Lipstick to Boyfriend: "Look, honey, you just don't understand. It's this odd, funny blog where everyone describes themselve as morons and perverts, and they talk about fucking all the time, but they really are nice people."

Lipstick to Boyfriend: "And this blog is actually very educational. I learned what a Cleveland Steamer is."

my trip is actually work related, but I'd still meet whoever wanted to

Sandy Burger, I didn't know you were out here in the wacky bay. East, Peninsula, City, Marin?

lol Michael.

No, I don't tease them. How dare you suggest that! Well, I did describe my nice shapely perky breasts, but, you know, we were just goofing around.

Actually, I described a huge-footed, hairy female wrestler who can't walk in heels, so I can't be accused of trying to be seductive. That should help. Right?

What's this you say about big feet? You've never mentioned that. All I remember is you describing your breasts.

I'm in glamorous San Jose.

Actually, I described a huge-footed, hairy female wrestler who can't walk in heels

Don't talk about Bart behind his back.

I'm sorry, Sandy.

We're practically neighbors.

Where's Sobek? He lives in Vegas.

"What's this you say about big feet? You've never mentioned that. All I remember is you describing your breasts."

No, I didn't. You're regretting what all that acid at Woodstock did to your memory, aren't you, hippy?

When y'all gonna commence to flamin'?

I guess the power to his trailer is still cut off.

Cute, max. I don't live in a trailer. I live in a m*bile community.

bart,

Glad you're finally moving up in the world.

However, I notice you carefully did not deny pltroll's comments:

"I lost my telephone service" - Bart

Those ice storms in the Ozarks can be brutal, can't they?

Or did you spend all your money calling that 900 number that Feisty and Michael operate?

Posted by !!!!ProudLiberalVet!!!! at January 20, 2006 11:02 AM

I thought I smelled pussy

I thought I smelled pussy

In fairness, I should point out that Michael does occasionally bathe.

Hey, Ace needs to get this advertiser for his site:

http://www.bustedtees.com/images/morecowbell.250.gallery_normal.jpg