Intermarkets' Privacy Policy
Support


Donate to Ace of Spades HQ!


Contact
Ace:
aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com
Buck:
buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com
CBD:
cbd at cutjibnewsletter.com
joe mannix:
mannix2024 at proton.me
MisHum:
petmorons at gee mail.com
J.J. Sefton:
sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com


Recent Entries
Absent Friends
Jon Ekdahl 2026
Jay Guevara 2025
Jim Sunk New Dawn 2025
Jewells45 2025
Bandersnatch 2024
GnuBreed 2024
Captain Hate 2023
moon_over_vermont 2023
westminsterdogshow 2023
Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022
Dave In Texas 2022
Jesse in D.C. 2022
OregonMuse 2022
redc1c4 2021
Tami 2021
Chavez the Hugo 2020
Ibguy 2020
Rickl 2019
Joffen 2014
AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published. Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me
Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups

Texas MoMe 2026: 10/16/2026-10/17/2026 Corsicana,TX
Contact Ben Had for info





















« Chuck Norris Responds To Cool Facts | Main | Bomb -- Or "IED," As They Call It --Defused At San Francisco Starbucks »
January 09, 2006

Five Weird Things About Me

Clarified says she's "tagged" me with the new, well, they always call it a "meme," but it's not really. It's a game or something.

I'm supposed to tell you five weird things about me. Okay, here they are:

1. I find the term "bathroom" to be low-class and tasteless. I never use the word. I always refer to it as the "lavatorial facilities" or "a small room where you can make a stinky."

2. I've spent the last six months of my life working on my children's book, Johnny Fucknuts. I've had complaints about the title, and I'm considering changing it to Teddy Fucknuts.

3. I feel truly alive only on the dance floor.

4. I am offended by the terms "blind man" and "sightless person," which define people according what they don't have rather than what they do. I always make it a point to use the more sensitive and positive term "People With Retarded Eyeballs."

5. In grade school the other kids used to tease me mercilessly and call me "Spats," because my Mom and Dad insisted I wear a "sharp-lookin'" pair of spats to school each day. Just the other day I was having a beer with a kid I knew in fourth grade, laughing about the old times, those ridiculous shoes I used to wear, and how I brutally murdered my parents with a shotgun in 1988.

BONUS Weird Thing Number 6:

6. I hate these things, and only do them when I write them in thirty seconds by re-using jokes I've done about 7,856 times before.

I'm supposed to pass this on, but another weird thing about me is that I don't placate. So, nah.


posted by Ace at 07:46 PM
Comments



Responding = placating.

Boy, do you have a long way to go before you get to the big leagues.

Posted by: Chris the K on January 9, 2006 07:49 PM

Ace,

LOL.

Really.

Posted by: MTT on January 9, 2006 07:53 PM

You should at least pass it on to Allah. He is your friend, right? And misery deserves company.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 07:53 PM

So how does a blind man know when he is done wiping his ass?


Posted by: B Moe on January 9, 2006 07:59 PM

Hm. I call that small room with the toilet the "Poopatorium". It's got this high-class, sort of Roman ambiance about it. You know, like I'm taking a dump in a marble bier while slave girls lay rose petals at my feet and wave away the stench with perfumed scarves.

My lawyer will be contacting you shortly about stealing the title to my children's book. (And it's Gaylord Fucknuts, The Happy Limey; you could at least steal the correct goddam title.)

Posted by: Monty on January 9, 2006 08:01 PM

hahahahahahahahaha...well played, Ace. Well played.

Posted by: dawn summers on January 9, 2006 08:08 PM

But ace, really, why aren't you posting more about how evil Booosh is? I thought this was the "best conservative blog"! How can we have a dialogue between right and left until you admit that the pResident is the worst one we've had in a million years?

Posted by: Sortelli on January 9, 2006 08:36 PM

Has this thread been approved by Larry the Urbane? Because I don't see how any of this relates to the Smirker's power grab in the state dept.

Posted by: joeindc44 on January 9, 2006 08:40 PM

howsabout making this a "preflame" thread. Get more peeps to post their weird uh, junk for future reference. Pretty please?

Posted by: doc on January 9, 2006 09:00 PM

Yeahhh... but you know, NO ONE used any of that stuff last time we did that!

Posted by: ace on January 9, 2006 09:01 PM

"People With Retarded Eyeballs."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm dyin' heah!!! hahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Posted by: Beth on January 9, 2006 10:20 PM

#5 should have been included in your Deep Thoughts thread. It's a classic.

Posted by: Nathan on January 10, 2006 12:09 AM

Real weird facts about Ace:
1 - his current girlfriend masturbates 33% more than he does.
2- he almost lost his life savings investing in edible oral /dental dams, but managed to sell his shares to Air America investors AFTER the dam enterprise went backrupt.
3- is the guy who all of Alanis Morrisette's songs are about.
4- born hairless; all his current hair follicles were grafted from Dick Cheney's nut sack.
5- really thought that, in the 2004 elections, that John Kerry was going to reveal his plans - as the first two chapters from Dianetics and random pages ripped out of old Watchtowers.
5-

Posted by: Dusty on January 10, 2006 06:33 AM

Great post Ace! You got my morning coffe to go out through my nose. Damn!

Posted by: The Real Steve on January 10, 2006 08:33 AM

I'm just so glad to hear that I'm not the only guy to have killed his parents. ("Go to my room? No problem, Dad, 'cause that's where I stashed your panelling mallet!")

Posted by: Shawn on January 10, 2006 10:53 AM
Post a comment
Name:


Email Address:


URL:


Comments:


Remember info?








Now Available!
The Deplorable Gourmet
A Horde-sourced Cookbook
[All profits go to charity]
Top Headlines
No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.
Now they've lost 84%.
Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.
Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...
The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.


Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.
(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.


Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party
STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.
Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.
Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:
spidermanthreatormenace.jpg

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: Starting a new season, CBD and Sefton discuss their personal journeys to conservative principles, is Nick Shirley the beginning of a trend?, Iran trying to reignite the war, the Left attacks itself, even on "Best Guitarist" lists, and more!
Leftists who have been drawing Frankendistricts for decades are suddenly upset about Republican line-drawing
Socialist usurper Obama cut commercials urging Virginians to vote for the bizarre "lobster" gerrymander -- but now says gerrymanders are so racist you guys
Obama is complaining about the new Louisiana map -- but here's the thing, the new map has much more compact and rational borders than the old racial gerrymander map
Pete Bootyjudge is whining too. But here's the Illinois gerrymander he supports.
Big Bonus! Under the new Florida congressional map, Debbie Wasserman Schultz will probably lose her seat
And she can't even go on The View because she's ugly a clump of stranger's hair in the bath-drain
CJN podcast 1400 copy.jpg
Podcast: CBD and Sefton Charge the Democrats with fomenting violence against the nation with their rhetoric, Virginia redistricting going down the tubes? Trump's bully pulpit is not censorship, Lee Zeldin is a star, J.B. Pritzker is an idiot, and more!
ANOTHER LEFT WING ASSASSIN ATTEMPTS TO KILL TRUMP
If I understand this, the left-wing Democrat assassin attempted to get into the White House Correspondents Association dinner, and was stopped at the magnetometers, which detected his gun. I guess he pulled out the gun and was shot by Secret Service agents.
Erika Kirk was present.
Forgotten 70s Mystery Click
You made me cry
when you said good-bye

70s, not 50s
Now that is a motherflipping intro
Recent Comments
Berserker-Dragonheads Division: "SO...Starmer is getting his ass kicked. Nice. ..."

...: "Posted by: nurse ratched at May 07, 2026 09:38 PM ..."

mikeski: "[i]ace is sort of updating it in the Side Bar Pos ..."

...: "Fetterman should change his name to Will Fetterman ..."

The rest of Tennessee: "[i]167 The left has killed itself through mal-educ ..."

runner: "ace is sort of updating it in the Side Bar ..."

runner: "Labour is having a very very very bad night! ..."

clarence: "GIB = Guy in Back or in this case Goober in Back. ..."

Itinerant Alley Butcher: " The left has killed itself through mal-education ..."

Yudhishthira's Dice: "I don't allow my kids on social media. I guess the ..."

Berserker-Dragonheads Division: " May I please ask for prayers for Zoe. Her gran ..."

Yudhishthira's Dice: "I just heard a cool saying on an old episode of Wa ..."

Bloggers in Arms
Some Humorous Asides
Archives