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« Chuck Norris Responds To Cool Facts | Main | Bomb -- Or "IED," As They Call It --Defused At San Francisco Starbucks »
January 09, 2006

Five Weird Things About Me

Clarified says she's "tagged" me with the new, well, they always call it a "meme," but it's not really. It's a game or something.

I'm supposed to tell you five weird things about me. Okay, here they are:

1. I find the term "bathroom" to be low-class and tasteless. I never use the word. I always refer to it as the "lavatorial facilities" or "a small room where you can make a stinky."

2. I've spent the last six months of my life working on my children's book, Johnny Fucknuts. I've had complaints about the title, and I'm considering changing it to Teddy Fucknuts.

3. I feel truly alive only on the dance floor.

4. I am offended by the terms "blind man" and "sightless person," which define people according what they don't have rather than what they do. I always make it a point to use the more sensitive and positive term "People With Retarded Eyeballs."

5. In grade school the other kids used to tease me mercilessly and call me "Spats," because my Mom and Dad insisted I wear a "sharp-lookin'" pair of spats to school each day. Just the other day I was having a beer with a kid I knew in fourth grade, laughing about the old times, those ridiculous shoes I used to wear, and how I brutally murdered my parents with a shotgun in 1988.

BONUS Weird Thing Number 6:

6. I hate these things, and only do them when I write them in thirty seconds by re-using jokes I've done about 7,856 times before.

I'm supposed to pass this on, but another weird thing about me is that I don't placate. So, nah.


posted by Ace at 07:46 PM
Comments



Responding = placating.

Boy, do you have a long way to go before you get to the big leagues.

Posted by: Chris the K on January 9, 2006 07:49 PM

Ace,

LOL.

Really.

Posted by: MTT on January 9, 2006 07:53 PM

You should at least pass it on to Allah. He is your friend, right? And misery deserves company.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 07:53 PM

So how does a blind man know when he is done wiping his ass?


Posted by: B Moe on January 9, 2006 07:59 PM

Hm. I call that small room with the toilet the "Poopatorium". It's got this high-class, sort of Roman ambiance about it. You know, like I'm taking a dump in a marble bier while slave girls lay rose petals at my feet and wave away the stench with perfumed scarves.

My lawyer will be contacting you shortly about stealing the title to my children's book. (And it's Gaylord Fucknuts, The Happy Limey; you could at least steal the correct goddam title.)

Posted by: Monty on January 9, 2006 08:01 PM

hahahahahahahahaha...well played, Ace. Well played.

Posted by: dawn summers on January 9, 2006 08:08 PM

But ace, really, why aren't you posting more about how evil Booosh is? I thought this was the "best conservative blog"! How can we have a dialogue between right and left until you admit that the pResident is the worst one we've had in a million years?

Posted by: Sortelli on January 9, 2006 08:36 PM

Has this thread been approved by Larry the Urbane? Because I don't see how any of this relates to the Smirker's power grab in the state dept.

Posted by: joeindc44 on January 9, 2006 08:40 PM

howsabout making this a "preflame" thread. Get more peeps to post their weird uh, junk for future reference. Pretty please?

Posted by: doc on January 9, 2006 09:00 PM

Yeahhh... but you know, NO ONE used any of that stuff last time we did that!

Posted by: ace on January 9, 2006 09:01 PM

"People With Retarded Eyeballs."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm dyin' heah!!! hahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Posted by: Beth on January 9, 2006 10:20 PM

#5 should have been included in your Deep Thoughts thread. It's a classic.

Posted by: Nathan on January 10, 2006 12:09 AM

Real weird facts about Ace:
1 - his current girlfriend masturbates 33% more than he does.
2- he almost lost his life savings investing in edible oral /dental dams, but managed to sell his shares to Air America investors AFTER the dam enterprise went backrupt.
3- is the guy who all of Alanis Morrisette's songs are about.
4- born hairless; all his current hair follicles were grafted from Dick Cheney's nut sack.
5- really thought that, in the 2004 elections, that John Kerry was going to reveal his plans - as the first two chapters from Dianetics and random pages ripped out of old Watchtowers.
5-

Posted by: Dusty on January 10, 2006 06:33 AM

Great post Ace! You got my morning coffe to go out through my nose. Damn!

Posted by: The Real Steve on January 10, 2006 08:33 AM

I'm just so glad to hear that I'm not the only guy to have killed his parents. ("Go to my room? No problem, Dad, 'cause that's where I stashed your panelling mallet!")

Posted by: Shawn on January 10, 2006 10:53 AM
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