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January 09, 2006

Chuck Norris Responds To Cool Facts

Seriously, he does. He doesn't quite know what to make of these "facts," but he's not necessarily against them. The cool facts lists at least give him a chance to plug his autobiography and "Old West novels," which he calls his "literary efforts." And, hell, who can blame a guy for a little self-promotion?

Cool Fact About Chuck Norris' Old West Novels: They're actually slightly fictionalized versions of his second-grade diaries, set 100 years in the past. Some of the more gratuitous sex and graphic violence has been toned down for the novels in order to make them more palatable to general audiences.

Dick Cheney, meanwhile, has no response to the facts offered about him, chiefly for legal considerations.

Thanks to Pompous.

Related & Funny: The Ultimate Showdown, featuring Godzilla, Optimus Prime, Batman, and of course Chuck Norris.

Thanks to Nat for that.

posted by Ace at 06:56 PM

Comments

He toned down his THIRD GRADE sex?

Wow. That's precocious.

I got in trouble in 5th grade for some suggestive writing I did... the meaning of which I had no real idea. I had just learned what pushed adults' buttons.

Posted by: tubino on January 9, 2006 06:58 PM

I had just learned what pushed adults' buttons.

A skill you apparently still find useful.

Posted by: ace on January 9, 2006 07:00 PM

Anyone who doesn't like Chuck Norris is a liberal cocksucker.

I am dissappointed that Chuck isn't promoting his other literary efforts, Against all Headboards, and Big Butt Justice Riders.

Posted by: Timmy in the Well on January 9, 2006 07:05 PM

O.T.: Anyone listen to Larry Elder? He sent his 85 y/o mom and one of her girlfriends to see Brokeback Mountain and do a review. lol! This shd be interesting.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 07:09 PM

Were you dissin' Chuck Norris with Cool Facts? The calm response is just a ruse. I hear he's got a short fuse. Prolly drop-kick your head tonight.

Posted by: rd on January 9, 2006 07:13 PM

You need to check out Chuck's official bio.

Some highlights:

Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.

...and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.

In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.

Winning the 1998 Epiphany award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the best Christian program.

The Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award.

BMI Music Television Award for Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, "Eyes of a Ranger".

Posted by: Steve on January 9, 2006 07:17 PM

It's ok. Walker told me I have AIDS.

Posted by: Lucas Simms on January 9, 2006 07:17 PM

I do whatever the blogosphere tells me to. Tagged enjoy!

Posted by: dawn summers on January 9, 2006 07:19 PM

Steve, he also jumps up and kicks the shit out of people.

Posted by: rd on January 9, 2006 07:19 PM

Lucas, that was the best, wasn't it? LOL, I can't believe anyone takes CN acting career seriously.

Posted by: Larry the Urbanite on January 9, 2006 07:19 PM

Shawn, Will that be on today? I just turned his show on to listen for it.

Usually he has his mom on Fridays and she is a pistol!

Thanks for the heads up!

Posted by: Lipstick on January 9, 2006 07:21 PM

Larry, don't make me hit the turbocharger on my souped up Bronco, drive out of this pit I'm buried alive in, and run you down.

Posted by: Lone Wolf McQuade on January 9, 2006 07:31 PM

Lipstick: Yes. I stepped outside for about 15 minutes. I'm going to be pissed if I meet it. They forgot to do it on Friday, so the Chief Justice is making a special appearance today.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 07:33 PM

LOL, I can't believe anyone takes CN acting career seriously.

You better pray to the good Lord that Chuck Norris doesn't read this. You WILL fear the beard.

Posted by: Johnnywaka on January 9, 2006 07:34 PM

That shd have read: pissed if I missed it.

Posted by: shawn on January 9, 2006 07:34 PM

Larry, don't make me hit the turbocharger on my souped up Bronco, drive out of this pit I'm buried alive in, and run you down.

Don't forget you have to sip the beer and then douse yourself with it before making the attempt.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on January 9, 2006 07:42 PM

Shawn, It's coming up in the five o'clock hour.

Thanks again.

Posted by: Lipstick on January 9, 2006 07:52 PM

Chuck Norris posted a pretty gracious reply to the "facts" I thought. His plug for his books was pretty smooth and totally appropriate. Also, if I don't write nice comments here he's coming over to kick my a@#!

Posted by: John Hay on January 9, 2006 09:04 PM

That Constitution is a pretty darn good idea, if I do say so myself.

Posted by: John Jay on January 9, 2006 09:37 PM

Chuck Norris is on Hannity and Colmes right now talking about the cool facts.

Posted by: Golden Boy on January 9, 2006 09:55 PM

Yep Steve. Beer is to me like spinach is to Popeye: the gateway through which I release my murderous rage.

And that's a Chuck Norris fact.

Posted by: Lone Wolf McQuade on January 9, 2006 10:48 PM

Cool Norris FACT:

Dick Cheney and Chuck were once schedulded to meet in the Octogon in a UFC pay per view ultimate smack down. In the eleventh hour, Chuck had to cancel due to a "schedule conflict"....

Posted by: Joel on January 9, 2006 11:13 PM

Lipstick: She was moved by it. She was sad about it. That's what happens when you try to play a little joke on your own mother.

Posted by: shawn on January 10, 2006 01:15 PM

Wasnt he in the movie INVASION USA? i remember seeing that movie

Posted by: spurwing plover on January 10, 2006 09:29 PM

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Good rickroll

What? Skeleton of the most famous Musketeer, D'Artagnan, possibly discovered in Dutch church closet.
Dumas picked four names of real musketeers out of a history book, D'Artagnan, Athos, Aramis, and Porthos. So there was an actual D'Artagnan, though he made most of the story up. (Or, you know, all of it.)*

Charles de Batz de Castelmore, known as d'Artagnan, the famous musketeer of Kings Louis XIII and Louis XIV, spent his life in the service of the French crown.
The Gascon nobleman inspired Alexandre Dumas's hero in "The Three Musketeers" in the 19th century, a character now known worldwide thanks to the novel and numerous film adaptations.
D'Artagnan was killed during the siege of Maastricht in 1673, and there is a statue honoring the musketeer in the city. His final resting place has remained a mystery ever since.

A lot of Dumas's stories are based on bits of real history. The plot of the >Three Musketeers, about trying to recover lost diamonds from the queen's necklace, was cribbed from the then-almost-contemporaneous Affair of the Queen's Necklace. And the Man in the Iron Mask is based on real accounts of a prisoner forced to wear a mask (though I think it was a velvet mask).
* Oh, I should mention, Dumas says all this, about finding the names in an old book, in the prologue to his novel. But authors lie a lot. They frequently present fictions as based on historic fact. The twist is, he was actually telling the truth here. At least about these four musketeers having actually existed and served under Louis XIV.
Fun fact: You know the beginning of A Fistful of Dollars where the local gunslingers make fun of Clint Eastwood's donkey and Eastwood demands they apologize to the donkey? That's lifted from The Three Musketeers. Rochefort mocks D'Artagnan's old, brokedown farm horse and D'Artagnan is incensed.

A commenter asked which should be read first, The Hobbit of LOTR?
Easy, no question -- read The Hobbit first. It's actually the start of the story and comes first chronologically. It sets up some major characters and major pieces in play in LOTR.
Also, the Hobbit is Beginner-Friendly, which LOTR isn't. The Hobbit really is a delightful book, and a fast read. It's chatty, it's casual, it's exciting, and it's funny. In that dry cheeky British humor way. I love that the narrator is constantly making little asides and commentary, like he's just sitting next to you telling you this story as it occurs to him.
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Oh, I should say: The Hobbit is written as if it's for children, but one of those smart children's stories that are also for adults. Don't worry, there's also real fighting and violence and horror in it, too.
LOTR is written for adults. (It's said that Tolkien wrote both for his children, but LOTR was written 17 years later, when his children were adults.) Some might not like The Hobbit due to its sometimes frivolous tone. Me, I love it. I find it constantly amusing. Both are really good but there is a starkly different tone to both. LOTR is epic, grand, and serious, about a world war, The Hobbit is light and breezy, and about a heist. Though a heist that culminates in a war for the spoils.

The Hobbit Challenge: Read two more chapters. I didn't have much time. Bilbo got the ring.
I noticed a continuity problem. Maybe. Now, as of the time of The Hobbit, it was unknown that this magic ring was in fact a Ring of Power, and it was doubly unknown that it was the Ring of Power, the Master Ring that controlled the others.
But the narrator -- who we will learn in LOTR was none of than Bilbo himself, who wrote the book as "There and Back Again" -- says this about Gollum's ring:
"But who knows how Gollum had come by that present [the Ring], ages ago in the old days when such rings were still at large in the world? Perhaps even the Master who ruled them could not have said."
In another passage, the ring is identified as a "ring of power."
I don't know, I always thought there was a distinction between mere magic rings and the Rings of Power created by Sauron. But this suggests that Bilbo knew this was a ring of power created by Sauron.
Now I don't remember when Bilbo wrote the Hobbit. In the movie, he shows Frodo the book in Rivendell, and I guess he wrote it after he left the Shire. I guess he might have added in the part about the ring being a ring of power created by "the Master" after Gandalf appraised him of his research into the ring.
I never noticed this before. I know Tolkien re-wrote this chapter while he was writing LOTR to make the ring important from the start. And also to make Gollum more sinister and evil, and also to remove the part where Gollum actually offers Bilbo the ring as a "present" -- Bilbo had already found it on his own, but Gollum was wiling to give it away, which obviously is not something the rewritten Gollum would ever do.
But I had no memory of the ring being suggested to be The Ring so early in the tale.

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