First is good

One time, at a picnic, when I was a little kid, my older siblings told me if I swallowed a watermelon seed a watermelon would grow in my stomach and I would die. Needles to say, I was very scared.

Funny thing happened to my siblings. They all disappearred about ten years ago.

Some say that a man is never so tall as when he stoops to help a child, but what if the man’s a midget? What kind of help can a stooping midget give to a child, anyway? If I saw some midget
stooping around a bunch of kids, I know I wouldn’t say ‘Look at that tall man,’ I’d alert the authorities.

One of the great joys of life is taking long walks. Recently, I was talking a long walk through the forest and came upon some railroad tracks. As I was strangling some hobos, I thought that I was just like Dick Cheney because of his well known great love for strangling hobos. I was on top of the world playing Vice President until I stopped to take a leak, which is when I realized that I was no Dick Cheney.

Years ago my grandpa told me "never pet a burning dog".

I don't care who you are, that's good advice.

I can't believe this original "Deep Thought" didn't make your list.

"I told my nephew that I was going to take him to Disneyland, but instead I took him to an old, burned-out warehouse. Then I said to him, 'Oh no, I guess Disneyland must have burned down.' He cryed and cryed, but deep-down, I knew he thought it was pretty funny. I was going to take him to the real Disneyland, but it was getting late."

They say when life hands you lemons, you should make lemonade. Yesterday, life came up and handed me a couple of kumquats and said "good luck."

I still think Dean Wormer's advice to Flounder in Animal House is an aphorism for the ages:

"Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son."

Bcat - that one is in there. My favorite isn't here though -
When this girl at the art museum asked me whom I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, "I like mayonnaise." She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find some mayonnaise for me.

Sometimes I miss the innocence of childhood. For instance, I remember how my dad chased me around the house with power tools... Thank goodness there was no such thing as "cordless" back then.

When I woke up this morning I felt like a teenager. But there wasn't one around, so I went back to sleep.

People are always being distracted by trivia. Like when you're really hungry, but the maitre d' insists, "You have to put on some clothes before coming in here."

One from a Terry Pratchett Discworld novel:

"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."

I think pirates should watch where they are walking.
That way, not so many would end up on dead men's chests.
And probably there would be fewer dead men.

If Helen's face launched a thousand ships, I was wondering how did she do that exactly? Was it like, one at a time, or one great big mass launch-off?

Hey, is that a sandwich?

Everything sucks........except my bitch girlfriend.

I look at the guy who comes in last in the 100 meters in the Olympics and think, wow he could have done just as good without training a day in his life.

Some say that if you keep searching, eventually you will find your pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Yet if the pot is full of gold, wouldn’t it break, because gold is pretty heavy? But
maybe they mean that the pot itself is made of gold. But then wouldn’t you be disappointed, finding a big empty pot? What a gyp.

I didn't realize how smart my parents were until I was an adult. When I was a little kid, they used to harp on me day and night not to stick beans up my nose but I couldn't understand why. The smooth solidness of the beans sliding through mucus was just so, oh, reassuring. Later, after the police took away my parents for harping on hitting me (yes, yes, that's it) one too many times, I got a severe sinus infection that eventually ate away portions of my frontal sinus and nasal bones, causing my face to partially collapse. My foster parents started calling me "John Merrick" and the other schoolkids bought me a hood. I cut out the ball gag. I sometimes visit my parents to tell them how smart they are but it's hard because their prisons are 150 miles apart and they're often too busy with their new lives to come to the visitation area.

The strike out for the second "harping on" worked in preview. Hmmmmm....

John Lennon said, "Imagine no possessions." I did, and I think it would be great. It's always a pain to clean up the projectile vomit from a little girl floating three feet in the air and speaking in tongues.

If Superman could fly around the world and turn back time, why does John Glenn bear a passing resemblance to the Cryptkeeper

I always liked the one that goes I want to pass away in my sleep, peacefully, like my Grandfather, not frightened and screaming like the people in the other car.

What if people who became leaders of political parties or Senators or governors or Presidents were just like other people after all? Except maybe with more money. Or they wanted to be powerful. Or maybe both. What then?

One of my favorites:

"Two large pieces of coral, when painted brown and attached to the skull with common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer."

I remember when I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, and then I felt better. Sure, people still called me cheap, but I always said, ‘Yeah, well, you think I’m bad, get a load of Stumpy over there.’

He never did like my endless ridicule, but what was he going to do, run me down?

Is walking a mile in another man's shoes still a good thing when you've stolen those shoes, and beat up the man who owned them?

My favorite one didn't make it on Ace's list either:

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Ooops, GreatMoose already posted that one. Sorry.

You never forget your first love. Her long flowing hair, the way we used to walk hand in hand along the beach, and dance the nights away under the stars. Sure, she may not have been the smartest, or the prettiest, and maybe she was a rabid cocker spaniel. But our love was strong. Later Dad made me shoot her. You never forget your first love.

Personally, I like breat cancer. Breast cancer's great, especially on a cold winter's day when you first bite through the crackly outside and the flavor just fills your mouth. I know it's not good for you, but it's worth it.

Oh, wait. I didn't mean "breast cancer." I meant "hot dogs."

I had a dream during which I met a guy in Texas named Dave. In my dream, he wasn't funny. We were listening to Hoist the Black Flag on an old time radio. I woke up just before killing myself. Strange how my dreams don't match reality. Strange also that I woke with a raging hardon.

I always wonder if the people who came up with the concept of God might have just been dyslexic

In "American Pie," the band camp girl says she stuck a flute up her vagina. I am sure glad it was a flute and not a tuba, because I would think that would have hurt.

I always liked this one: It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I never had much use for life jackets. And as I watched that little kid drown in the river, I remembered why. Drowning people can never find one when they need it.

Once I looked into the cockpit of a plane, to see where the pilots worked. There were so many buttons and knobs and dials, it looked really complicated. One of the buttons was labeled "PANIC". I wonder what that one is for?

Lesbians are women who like other women more than men.
They also like to scream, and hit, and point you out to their boyfriends.

My teacher told me there was a lot of wisdom in the pages of Aesop's Fables. But when I opened the book up, it was page after page of walking, talking animals. That doesn't seem so wise. It seems pretty naive.

It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and fracture your penis. Especially if you are Dick Cheney.

When I was still in grade school, I told my parents I wanted to become a famous conductor. I had hoped they would pay for music lessons, but they could only afford to give me long and
painful electric shocks.

They say a man doesn't truly understand life until he's lying on the floor in a pool of his own cooling blood. So that's what I gave my brother for Christmas-- the gift of understanding.

I've always dreamed of winning a hot dog eating contest, drinking gallons of beer, bedding lots of women, becoming an unhittable major league pitcher, getting bored with that so started hitting lots of home runs and winning the World Series. But not of being an orphan, developing severe lifestyle-related health problems and dying at a relatively young age. You've got to dream really big if you want to be another Babe Ruth.

Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, aks if they have some flats.

My grandfather told me he took Sicily with Mark Clark during World War II. But he never told me where they took her. Nor why, for that matter, since kidnapping is a felony punishable by hard labor or death under the United States Code of Military Justice.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, unless you have Alzheimer's.

Or was it Patton? My grandfather was a notorious liar, just like Chimpy McBushitler.

They say that fools rush in where Angels fear to tread. I'm not sure, exactly, who "they" are. but I think they may have been at Wal-Mart the day after Thanksgiving.

A year after college I signed up to be assistant netter on a tuna boat. The crew was a real mix-- there were Portuguese, Italians, Irish, blacks, two Vietnamese guys, Hispanic guys from all over Latin America, and even a proud American Indian named Red Eartth Walker. And I learned that everyone, no matter how different, has something to contribute, and that if we all pull together, no matter what our backgrounds, we can reach our goals together. You just have to keep your eye on the coloreds, because they steal.

Once I saw a quarter on the floor in a live peepshow booth in an adult bookstore. Would I pick it up? No way in hell! Then I ponder how much money it would take for me to even consider picking it up. Later, I'm all out of quarters and as the window slowly closes, I can see she has those puppies going in opposite directions. So on second thought I guess I would pick up a quarter off the floor in a live peepshow booth in an adult bookstore.

I remeber fondly my Mother telling me of all the wonderful places they took me. I had such a great time, she said. Cape Cod, Disney World, Sturbridge Village. When I saw the pictures, I was surprised at how the rest of the world looked so much like my back yard.

Did you ever take a dump and it smelled kind of like a burnt match? Wow, the other people in the train station must really think your a nice guy.

They say when you wish upon a falling star, your dreams really can come true. It's all a lot of nonsense, they're just idiots. That is what they say though, I'm not making that part up.

My favorite jokes are the ones that remind us of how much we are all alike and all human. My second favorite jokes are ones about black people.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying, and you still look good in your black trench-coat.

The Bible says the wise man built his house upon the rock. But what if "The Rock" is Alcatraz? You're there living in your nice house thinking you're doing what God wants you to do and then a bunch of Indians show up protesting and crapping everywhere because the water has been shut off. How wise do you feel now?

One time I was at my married friend’s house, and I found his wife's address book. I added Dick Chenney's name and address then drew in 5 stars and a picture of a pony. Sometimes you have to make your own fun.

If a bear in the woods hunched over and shit a big pile of Drew Barrymore, would he think it was "awesome?"

Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because you are so much richer and better-looking. That never gets old.

There are unseen forces controlling all of your physical actions, emotions and thoughts. You know, like when you get a chick to go under the covers.

If starship full of aliens lands on the earth tomorrow, and they are totally peaceful and want to be our friends, I hope they don't taste like chicken because we already know what that tastes like.

It's been said that if you give a man just one inch, he will take a yard. I think that if you give a woman just one inch, she'll end up taking the yard, the house, and the kids will soon be calling the pool boy, Ramone, daddy.

If starship full of aliens lands on the earth tomorrow, and they are totally peaceful and want to be our friends, I hope they don't taste like chicken because we already know what that tastes like.

Okay, I've read that one three times and have laughed out loud each time.

During my travels to the Orient, I walked the crowded streets, pausing to soak in the beautiful bouquets of a rich foreign culture. At least I think they were called "bouquets"; here they're called "hookers." Those crazy Asians.

It's been said that the act of defecation is one of the most pleasant sensations there are (see, viz, plumpkin). However, there are times and circumstances where this act can not only lead to grief, but actual death. Let us say you are in a W.C. in Borneo, ridding yourself of last night's feast of seafood and rice. It is entirely possible that a sea krait -- one of the most poisonous snakes in the entire world -- could crawl up through the substandard Bornean sewer and plumbing systems and into the toilet bowl, where it would behold your keister and the looming excretion(s) therefrom. A sea krait's natural tendency would be to attack the prey, which just happens to be your dangling unmentionables. I need hardly add that a painful bite and sudden death would follow, and there you would be: unpants-ed, slumped, and dead in a Borneo toilet with a load of unfinished business left behind. And the sea krait, its mission accomplished, would swim back out to the sea.

The upshot is that you should never poop while in Borneo, and you should only pee when your unit is a goodly distance from the Bornean peeing apparatus.

If I had a billion dollars, I'd send out invitations to all of the smartest people in the world, the earth's greatest geniuses in medicine, science, philosophy, and art. I'd offer them each ten million dollars to come to my island retreat to solve all the world's problems -- war, hunger, pollution, disease, the alienation of man from his fellow man. Everyone who responded to my invitation would be seated at a large table where they could begin discussing positive ideas for the betterment of humanity. And then I'd have my men lock all the doors and set fire to the place and let them all burn alive.

And then I'd send letters again to everyone who hadn't accepted the first time, only this time I'd offer them TWENTY million dollars and invite them to my other island retreat, the one that hadn't been soaked for three weeks in odorless flame-accelerants. Because, it turns out, they were the really smart ones all along.

I like the relaxation that comes from success at work. Well, actually, I like the relaxation that comes at work from avoiding doing my job.

They say time heals all wounds. I'll tell you one person who doesn't say that-- Christopher Reeve.

I guess calling a football a "pigskin" explains why there are not a lot of Muslim quarterbacks.

A lot of people will tell you that "honesty is always the best policy," but my Dad taught me an even more valuable lesson: those people are "easy marks."

If idle hands are the tools of the Devil, you have to wonder what he uses to do the dishes and mop and stuff.

This is the new banner of AOSHQ:

Because, it turns out, they were the really smart ones all along.

It's our whole reason for being.

They say that you should never argue about politics with your friends. But if you're friends with Nancy Pelosi and Ted Kennedy, there's really nothing else to talk about. Except alcohol.

I always wondered what happens when the Pope cuts a fart during one of his big meetings with the Cardinals. I mean one of those really nasty swamp-gas farts that causes noses to wrinkle ten miles away; the kind that causes air-raid sirens to go off. Do the Cardinals simply pretend that nothing happened (even as they choke and wheeze and wipe their watering eyes)? Or do they chaff the popester with good-natured witticisms like, "Dude, light a match! You're burnin' my eyes here! Jeez!"

And does the Pope himself act with the solemnity and grace one would expect of such an august gentleman, or does he laugh and point and say, "Yo, homes, your mouth was open on that one! Something that came out of my ass is now in your brain!"

It'd be interesting to see the minutes of meetings like that, that's all I'm saying. Even men of god have to pass gas, you know; the question is whether they make an event of it. I mean, yeah, they're priests and stuff; but they're also guys.

If you're ever discussing the history of the Bible with an Imam and an Irish Catholic priest, wait until you get to the part about prophesy. Then you should fart loudly.

If murdering a hooker, dismembering her body and hiding the pieces in holes dug in my backyard is a crime, then consider me guilty as charged.

Not mine, but I use it all the time:

Grandpa used to say to me, "When life gives you lemons... Shut up and eat your lemons!"

Honestly, I've never seen that many truly happy people during happy hour. Of course, I'm usually passed out drunk by noon, so I guess I wouldn't see much of anything after that.

Geez, Monty. Great minds think ... er .... alike.

My grandfather once told me that women like to be pursued. What he did NOT tell me, the old bastard, was that you shouldn't do so wearing a ski mask and carrying a blood spattered shovel.

They say that work should be something that makes you grow and that is fulfilling. I find that posting gross jokes online makes me feel spiritually pure and morally healthy, especially when I am getting paid for it.

The boss told me to tell you the word "fart" is pretty funny.

There are some who say that Attention Deficit Disorder is a horrible..oh, look! A bird!

I read in a book about the economics behind dot com companies. It said that supply creates its own demand.

I'm going to start working on a way to make really toxic nuclear waste, because I really need the money.

"No matter where you go, there you are."

Benjamin Franklin said that a stitch in time saves nine. To me, the stitches hurt too much, and they only saved 6. Benjamin Franklin was an idiot.

My father used to tell me that good fences make good neighbors. Then he bought me a house with a fence 170 miles away.

A friend told me I was up shit creek without a paddle. I looked over and saw that he had a paddle.

But not a gun.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some of these sound more like Andy Rooney than Jack Handy. Especially the one about the Pope cutting the cheese in a Cardinals meeting.

They say it's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

The only thing that ever got credit for having a heart of gold was an egg. Why would you even give the egg that much credit?

Some people say that Americans are more violent that Europeans because there are more shooting deaths here than in Europe. I say that's nonsense. Americans are not more violent; we're just better shots.

Many times its the quietest child who has the most to offer. And sometimes they're really just hanging back, feeling out the situation, and figuring out your weaknesses.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Master Yoda said that there is no trying, only doing. He's obviously never been constipated before.

A lot of stories begin, "Once upon a time." It never seems fair when they make the sequel.

I like to go visit the pediatric oncology ward and give presents to the little kids with the shaved heads and tubes up their noses. And when they open them up and discover it's actually dirt clods and gravel, I tell them, well, it's just not your day, is it?

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

There are a lot of jokes about dyslexics, and some are pretty funny. But the dyslexics only laugh when there are palindromes thrown in.

We used to tease a little girl named Susie in first grade. Years later, I got to thinking about Susie, and tried to find her and apologize.

Damndest thing, it turns out I had the name wrong all those years. Her real name was Debbie.

A few years ago, a friend of mine showed me a poster he had with a poem called "Desiderata" on it. He said that the poem had changed his life. The poem was about happiness and fulfillment and spiritual growth.

I went home and bought a poster printing press and started making "Desiderata" posters for all of the idiots like my friend. Funny thing is, I really am happier.

I have found that opportunity usually knocks at least three times. That's because no one ever really just pounds on a door once. It usually is a little more rhythmic and repetitive. I imagine that's so the people upstairs can hear you.

With life being as hectic as it is, I always try to stop for a moment and soak in the beauty of the world around me. If only more people on I-90 felt the same way, my car probably wouldn't have gotten totaled.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away -- and you have their shoes.

Post-modern materialists think they are pretty smart because it's considered clever to take things apart and criticize everything. For example, they seem to think that Christians are hypocrites for not being able to live up to the example of Christ.

Of course, if I thought of myself as a bunch of chemicals that would never have an original thought, I might get angry too.

If I'm ever trapped inside a burning nightclub with no way out except a painful death by immolation, I think it would be a good idea to turn to the guys next to you and say, "It's not so much the heat as the humidity." Because I think it's moments like that when we're most in need of a chuckle.

They say everyone talks about the weather, but no one does anything about it. Well, Ming the Merciless tried, and you can see where it got him. So people should just shut up.

Sometimes I'm sad that we've lost so much richness from our language. A hundred years ago, "fine" meant excellent. If you told someone they did fine work, they'd be happy. Now "fine" just means "okay" or mediocre. I miss the older use of "fine."

I'm also sad that no one says "octaroon" anymore.

When I was in high-school, I remember there was a guy who kept asking the math teacher, "How is this ever going to help me in the real world?"

Poor kid died last summer trying to balance his checkbook.

A lot of these are frickin' brilliant. But I call plagiarism on Monty:

Some people say that Americans are more violent that Europeans because there are more shooting deaths here than in Europe. I say that's nonsense. Americans are not more violent; we're just better shots.

This, sadly, is stolen word-for-word from the great conservative film Barcelona. For shame, Monty.

Yep... I thought I'd just leave him with his guilt until it ate at him like a barracuda which feeds upon human guilt.

If an alien ever lands in your backyard you should kill it because it will probably want to kill you.

Space travel is fun until your space ship breaks down; then you just float around in space until you die.

They say there are two kinds of people in the world -- dog people and cat people. I think we're all just people, first and foremost, and that our choice of pets shouldn't separate us. That said, if you have a ferret, a snake, or a tarantula, you're just trying too damn hard.

The great thing about having little kids is that it reminded me of long ago, when I also looked at the world through the innocent eyes of a child. It looked like hell.

The word "gay" has been co-opted by the homosexual community in this country, so that it no longer means "happy" or "ebulient." That's really sad, so I decided to use the word in its original meaning in my everyday life.

Now I just say "happy" and "fuck it."

I heard that some people wear their heart on their sleeve, but really, I think it's just a colostomy bag.

If a tree fell on a bear shitting in the woods, would the Pope hear it?

You know, of all the places I've visited, I think I liked Japan the most. The food, the culture, the way the hookers screamed as I strangled them...

It was beautiful

Jesus said to "turn the other cheek." But when I was in sniper school, I never heard that advice from my instructors.

Jeff B.:

Barcelona stole that bit from me. I was gonna sue 'em, but the lawyers are all craven weasels and declined to pursue the issue. Just another way in which the System screws the little man. (I actually never saw Barcelona, so I'm wondering now where I heard that bit.... It felt original when my brain kicked it up....)

Before you point out someone else's flaws, you should first remove the plank out of your own eye.
Because no one likes to be made fun of by a blind guy.

When in Holland, if there is a hole in the dyke and none of your fingers are big enough to plug the hole, it is socially acceptable to use your dick instead. However, I've found that this is not the case when in Wal-Mart and the dyke is in line ahead of you at the checkout.

When I was in sniper school, the instructors would always tell me that I should squeeze the trigger so lightly that I would be surprised when the rifle fired.

I bet the squirrel hiding behind the target was more surprised, though.

If I could talk to my dog, the first thing I'd ask him would be why is it so important to sniff another dog's shit for ten minutes?

The only thing I imagine is better than the warmth of being with family and friends during the holiday is alpaca

Franklin Delano Roosevelt once said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Yeah, well after a bought of polio and being married to the donkey-faced lady from the Ringling Brothers circus, you'd be saying the same thing, too. Or "The only hope we have is death itself." But that didn't test well in the focus groups.

Once, I was throwing rocks at cars in a parking lot, and a priest walked up and told me that "only he who is without sin should cast stones."

And then he beat me because his car had a dent in it.

They say the key to understanding women is to really listen. So I try and do that with my NEW girlfriend always, or at least when I take the duct tape off her mouth.

Never say "Get thee behind me, Satan!" unless you are wearing Kevlar whitey-tighties.

Once one has been caught plagiarizing, others will begin to wonder if the guilty party's brilliant works were not stolen as well, much in the same fashion as when Sammy Sosa was caught corking his bat or when Ace's mom discovered him bopping the bishop to a Back Street Boys video.

"Pizza's are on me!" is a real crowd pleaser unless the crowd is hunched over in the alley behind the bar at 2:30 am barfing their brains out.

My mother always told me that playing with a bb gun might put someone's eye out. Over the years, I have found, with very few exceptions, that she was absolutely right.

Every time I pass by mr. Goldstein's house, I feel a little strange. I mean, he seems like a nice enough guy, but I always get that weird feeling when he waves at me that he is thinking about the time when I walked in on him, ace and Jeff B. having a "Paul Anka party" in his basement.

Then again, maybe it's just my imagination

Santa doesn't visit my house on Christmas Eve ever since the "incident."

My grandmother told me that sometimes, people say things that they shouldn't say, and they hurt other people's feelings. Many adults do this all the time, because they can be mean to each other, and because one person might gain from the pain of another person. The least said is the easiest mended, she said.

It turns out that people don't want to hear this when you're on the stand in a criminal trial. My grandmother was full of shit.

This girl down the street from me just had a baby. Her dad was really mad at her, but she somehow convinced everyone that it was a gift from God or something. I don't think anyone really believed her, but it seemed that her dad bought the story, because he let her stay and raise it in his house. To this day I wonder what she must have said to make him believe her story.

Oh well. The kid is really cute. It has her dad's eyes, nose, mouth, skin complexion, and first and last name.

They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but I've found that if you just chuck the first one at him really hard, he'll just leave you alone and you won't have to waste any more apples.

Some people say "In for a penny, in for a pound." It's a really good thing to say, except when you're around a really fat girl named Penny. Then it's just mean.

I've heard people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones but then again making your house out of glass isn't that bright to begin with. So go ahead and throw stones dumbass, serves you right.

I understand that the first rule of hole digging is to stop digging. How the hell did the hole get started in the first place?

I've heard a lot of people say that it was a miracle that Jesus could walk on water.

I think that it was more of a miracle that he walked on land. He could have thrown things at the Romans and they couldn't get him, and when he wanted to take a leak, he didn't have to worry about missing.

But I wonder if the hem of his robe got wet, because I always hate it when the cuffs of my jeans get wet.

When people ask me what I would wish for if I were given 3 wishes, I always say world peace, an end to hunger and for everyone to simply exist together in harmony. But, since I know that I will never be given 3 wishes, I really just wish these people would just leave me the hell alone.

Most babies look like Winston Churchill.

Except those that look like Chairman Mao.

I wonder who threw up more as a baby - Mao or Churchill?

I often think about what it would be like to begin my life over without losing what I have already learned. One thing I would do is avoid hitting my head as often. Another would be to make sure my roommate's girlfriend didn't forget her keys before I got naked and popped in a porno.

I was in the car with mother once arguing that I should be allowed to stay out all night with my friends and she asked me whether I would jump off a bridge because my friends jumped. I said, "Sure, isn't that what bungee cord is for?" She stopped the car and asked, "Do you have any bungee cord right now?" I looked out the window and over the rail to the drainage ditch far below and said, "Can I get some when we get to the store?" Mom said, "Why, of course you can..." I woke up later in the ER with a broken leg, a broken arm and three broken ribs. A few weeks later, I went to the outdoor store and got that bungee cord.

I heard that Santa Anna brought 2000 mexican soldiers to the Alamo in two cars.

Those must have been really big cars.

A couple of months ago, I asked Ace what it would take for him to declare me the winner of the Haiku contest. He told me to bring him the blood of Andrew Sullivan. I remember thinking "this is great! Ace must have found a cure for AIDS, and he's going to give it to Sully."

Turns out Ace only wanted to bathe in his blood. He thinks it keeps him funny or something.

And I still lost the fucking contest

Damn you , Ace. Damn you.

The last time I looked up "irony" in the dictionary, there was a picture of Jimmy Carter with the caption "39th President of the United States and author of best-selling book 'Why Not The Best?'".

Most dirty limericks start off with "There once was a man from nantucket ..." I think it would be funnier if they all started with "Once upon a midnight dreary." But they'd probably be longer.

My Pappy had a simple policy regarding the unending strife in the Middle East: "Don't fix what ain't broke."

Pappy had a lot of theories like that. He's insane.

They say that a million monkeys working for a million years will eventually produce the full text of Hamlet. But they'll never be able to produce something as simple as a Star Trek script, because monkeys cannot grasp the concept of the laser.

The question is whether or not Schroedinger's cat alive or dead, and the problem is that you can't look to find out. I say, leave it in the box, because when Schroedinger finds out his cat is missing, he's going to be pissed.

"Every Good Boy Does Fine" helps you remember the lines on a stanza and is a useful mantra for a scared 9th grade boy the first time he ventures into the high school gym shower.

My dad used to always tell me "to have a friend, be a friend." So, one day I went to school and tried real hard to be nice to jimmy, the class bully. (I even gave him my lunch money). After school, jimmy decided to return the favor by pulling my pants down and punching me in the nose. That was the last time I tried to be a friend.

But I do have a friend. His name is Jimmy, and he stays in a chest in my basement for me to talk to anytime I want.

With God, all things are possible.

Except agnostics.

Dad liked to say "The early bird catches the worm." That explains why he drank mescal for breakfast.

So Ted Kennedy walks into this bar....

Forget it. Too obvious.

"Wankel Rot'ry Engine" is a hilarious expression and a lot of fun to say in an English accent. "Wankel Rotary Engine" is an obscure combustion engine technology that Volkswagen mistakenly thought would propel it beyond niche status in the U.S. auto market.

one time, my wife called me a racist. So, I went out and bought a color T.V. That'll teach that jew bitch to call me names.

Monty, nobody really thinks you plagiarized. Come back! I was only funnin'. It's not the same without you!

And welcome back Dave in Texas!

I was out walking once and spotted an elderly woman struggling to put groceries in her car. I promptly walked over and gave her a hand. Sure, I had just chopped it off a homeless person's arm, but I hardly think the old lady should look a gift horse in the mouth.

Once when I was a little girl, I wanted to go to a friend's party. I asked my Dad if I could go and he just growled at me. So then I went to my Mom to get permission and she almost bit my head off. That was the moment when I remembered that I was raised by wolves.

Whenever I hear a woman say "I love babies," I always tell them "Oh yeah? Why don't you imagine saying that again, except this time say 'Nazis' instead of 'babies.' Pretty racist, huh?"

Most people just can't handle a logical argument.

They say that Time waits for no man. That's why I read Newsweek.

Some say bowling is not a real sport. I would have agreed up until the time they added midgets.

I always thought it would be cool if your thoughts were displayed in a bubble above your head like in comic books. That way I wouldn't have to waste my time telling you that you were a boring fuck.

The first time I held a woman in my arms, sharing the bliss and comfort that one feels after making love with their true soul-mate, I knew that I had found heaven. It was a very special moment for me and I'm sure my sister remembers that moment as fondly as I do.

Monty, nobody really thinks you plagiarized. Come back! I was only funnin'. It's not the same without you!

What, I'm not allowed to sulk and nurse murderous grudges any more? What the hell kind of world are we living in when a man can no longer take grave offense at a meaningless slight and plan bloody revenge against his tormenters? That's not the America I know!

Here's something really deep: Ice dancing is a sport. When the pairs wield pikes and mace against each other, Texas-cage-match style, that is. And get extra bonus points for maiming those commie judges. Otherwise, it's pretty fruity and useless.

I wish my throbbing manhood was like an everlasting gobstopper. Gorgeous bi-curious babes could suck on it forever and it would never lose its flavor.

What? Did you think I was going to say "Kids could suck on it forever...."? What kind of sick, twisted freak are you anyway? Burn in hell, you perverted loser!

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one around to hear it then who really gives a fuck?

I don't think being deaf would be so bad, because I could just learn braille.

What?

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my seventh-grade teacher.
At least until he got an unlisted number, that is.

Ever notice when you fart in the men’s room alone, you still laugh?

If I were a parent, and my son had a brand-new puppy that peed all over the rug, I'd laugh and help him clean it up, explaining that puppies are a lot of work and you have to be patient with them. But if it happened twice I'd have it put down, because there're limits, man.

You know how they always say "So many women, so little time"? Well, that isn't exactly true. There would be plenty of time if you didn't have to keep going to the hardware store to get more duct tape.

"You know, someone should do something about all the nepotism in the mafia." -- The Duplex

I wish every store had a fun playland in it you could take misbehaving children to. Something fun to distract them, entertain them, and give you time to do your shopping in peace.

But if they only let you take your own kids there it wouldn't be as useful.

If the children are our future, what are they doing here in the present? Somebody needs to stop them before they cause some sort of paradox and fuck up the whole space-time continuum.

Someday, researchers will discover the cure for baldness, effortless weightloss, a safe effective method for penile enlargement., and X-ray glasses. Thank goodness the marketing methods for these are all being developed now.

revised:
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If it would hurt you, then ask if they have some flats.

If you were in charge of urban planning would you put a playground in the same location as a waste treatment plant? Then explain to me the human body. Intelligent design? I think not.

Monty, nobody really thinks you plagiarized. Come back! I was only funnin'. It's not the same without you!

Yeah, right.

That whole poem about the father putting his son to bed for the last time -- where'd you get it?

See, the cat in Schroedinger's box is obviously dead. Only morons need to look. And then they think they killed it by looking.

where'd you get it?

Oh fer the sake of my various and eternally pissed-off gods.

You're like that goddam cop the other day. "Did you kill this guy?" he says with that narrow, suspicious look cops get when they think you're gonna lie. And just because I was covered in blood and holding a knife, he goes and makes all kinds of assumptions. You wouldn't believe the amount of bureaucratic rigamarole it took to get out of that particular mess.

Besides, I take my cues from Michaelangelo: "Where I steal an idea, there I leave my knife."

Everybody wonders about whether Gilligan was doing Mary Ann or Ginger. That's all we talk about. Mary Ann or Ginger. Sheesh.

Can't we grow up? Can't we focus on current issues, like who skull-fucked Al Franken?

You know what would be cool?

If we could have some ambient soundtrack that would tell us what a woman's moods were. The music would just sort of fade in and out like in a movie, only contextually appropriate. An added benefit is that if she really had an orgasm, there'd be a gameshow-style ding-ding-ding sound so there's no doubt about it. During her period, that creepy Psycho eeeeek-eeeek-eeeek sound.

You know what else would be cool? If, when a woman was horny, she gave off the smell of caramel apples or something. Guys can't completely hide their boners, so it seems unfair that the ladies can so effectively hide their own situation. If you smell that pleasant aroma floating on the breeze after you present the flowers, you would be assured that some saddle-time was in the offing.

Yeah...a soundtrack and scent-library to the female mood continuum. It'd take about 90% of the guesswork out of life!

Some people say that they oppose the death penalty. Most of these same people seem to also favor abortion.

I guess liberals think you get more innocent as you get older, which actually explains a lot.

For some reason, I have been thinking about Ed McMahon when I'm having sex. Probably, a lot of people would really think that's gross, but when I whisper it in Ed's ear, he thinks it's really sweet.

I was trying to compare Iraq and Afghanistan to a friend of mine the other day, and he kept saying that it was like comparing apples and oranges.

No, it was like comparing Iraq and Afghanistan. What a dumbass.

They say that every Italian opera needs to have a midget. But what if every midget really needs Italian opera. That would explain why there's not more midgets.

If I was ever in an elevator car that was dropped from a 747, I'd try to jump just before we hit the ground. I wouldn't want to die without saying I'd at least tried that.

I think that airplane hijackings could be greatly reduced by giving the stewardesses +5 Holy Avengers and teaching them how to use them.

I bet one side effect would be that everybody would be too scared to press the "Stewardess Call" button. And that would be good, because then there wouldn't be anyone in the aisles, and I could get to the bathroom in time instead of peeing on the person next to me.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world; those that understand binary, and those that don't.

TroubleBraid's ....

That is right off of the ThinkGeek site ....

"To be, or not to be, that is the question."

No it's not. The real question is whether Andy was getting some serious nookie from Helen when they parked at Myers Lake.

You know, life really is precious. That's why I try to take as much as I can.

I was having great sex the other day. It was so unbelievably hot, so sensual, so mindblowing that I almost didn't hear my husband say those three words I've always dreaded to hear during sex: "Honey, I'm home!"

Dog is man's best friend. And how do we repay this friendship? We cut their balls off. What kind of fucked up friend are you anyway?

My all time favorite Jack Handey was also left out:

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated.

Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said "Dust to dust", some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them.

At the hanging he said, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun."

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

sorry, i don't have anything original or clever to write, but these people keep chiming in with their favorite jack handey sayings, and leaving out the best.

"sometimes i think i'd be better off dead. no, wai t... not me, you."

one morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. how he got in my pajamas, I'll never know.

also, Groucho Marx

When it snows, I gather all the children around me, and say "It's true, there are two snowflakes exactly alike, and they're right there. There on the driveway. Push them all over to the side, then you'll find them. First one gets candy."
Young Lolita always finds the pair, and as I look at them closely breathing heavily, they melt.
As I brush off her tear, I say "It'll snow again, Lolita."

What if God were one of us?

He wouldn't be on the cover of any fashion magazine, I can tell you, because who wears white after Labor Day?

Oh right. God.

Well, never mind, then.

I think that even God has to sleep sometimes and that when he does, he dreams. I bet he dreams about being Dick Cheney and then when he wakes up and realizes that he's just God, he cries a little.

Sometimes when I was a child, my uncles would take me snipe hunting in the winter. We would all take to trails, traveling over hills and across streams for hours at a time, sometimes not even taking time for lunch. When one of my uncles would spot a snipe, they would take me off my leash and let me get up on my feet and make me chase it until I would pass out from blood loss or hypothermia. They'd carry me home to my father who would bend down and ask, "Did you get one this time, son?"

I think that when someone asks you "How they hangin?" you should be allowed to drop your pants and check. And then you should offer to do the same for the guy who asked you. It's just good manners.

When I told my girlfriend I was doing to take her "like a Viking", I don't think she expected me to be wearing old blood-matted furs.

Or to hit her over the head with a mace.

Thomas Edison once said, "Genius is ninety percent perspiration and ten percent inspiration." There was no deoderant in those days. No wonder he stayed in his lab all the time.

It is said that paintings and fightings are best seen at a distance. If "paintings" means "The French Lieutenant's Woman" and "fightings" means "The English Patient", I would wholeheartedly agree.

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. You can feed a horse Beefarino but you can't stop his explosive diarrhea and putrid horse farts.

In the mornings I often lie in bed for hours. I just stare at the ceiling, hitting the snooze button repeatedly, not caring that I'm late for work. Some people say this is a sign of depression. I say it's because my bed is warm and cozy. Unlike the cold hard reality of my crappy life.

I think a great thing about my doctor is when he gives wise and gentle advice. Just this morning my doctor told me, "live today like its your last."

When Congressman Murtha says to pull out before the job is done Mrs. Murtha says, 'so what else is new?'

This should be a contest. Or at least a top 10 list. Come on

Anonymous said of my quote:

"That is right off of the ThinkGeek site ...."

I admit it's not mine... but I still think it's funny.

Someone once told me that "still waters run deep." I know he was talking about that quiet guy in my class, but I couldn't help thinking about all those mosquitos they produce, too.

This should be a contest. Or at least a top 10 list. Come on

You are hereby nominated, abnormal.

Good Lord, it took 218 posts to actually lure a sucker into that ....

Do I hear a second?

Yes! I second!

Now we just need to post another 600 entries.

This is from that demotivational poster website that I can't think of right now.

Winners never quit and quitters never win. But, if you never win AND you never quit you're an idiot.

pistolero,

despair.com

that stuff is priceless.