This blog is like a place where you come to talk about breasts and vikings.

The hobo ran across the street like a man on fire, which was partly my fault, as I'd just doused him with kerosene and set him ablaze with a cigarette.

This post has opened my eyes the way waking up does in the mornings.

AOSHQ relates worthy commentary and important news in exactly the way that C_N_N.com doesn't.

His Dick Cheney joke had the same cutting edge humor, timely criticism, and wit as Dick Cheney's cock.

There were so many presents beneath the tree it was like some delirious cornucopia of infinite joy... actually, now that I think about it, there were eight of them. Eight presents all told.

Her breasts rose and fell exactly as you would expect a sewing machine needle to move, except slower and you could see them.

Watching a Houston Texans game is like watching football.

I don't think those can be called analogies.

(They're similes, but I'm not sure if the two terms are mutually exclusive or not.)

Watching Ace changing his posts is like watching Andrew Sullivan's gob-smacking vile-meter after a Vatican visit by Bush.

sometimes my jokes need additional polish, like an old brass lamp in need of additional polish.

ha ha, if you look at the bottom of the site that has all these analogies, it says "based on an unoriginal article in the washington post."

Uncle Joe stalked the water tank like a dirty old man trying to look up some girl's dress.

Hey Ace, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but you've really sucked the last couple of days. Lots of mistakes, or loose shit, or whatever you call it.

Anything wrong?

Girl trouble?

Boy trouble?

He was critical of the host's comment section the way some guy commenting on someone else's comment section would be critical.

Michelle Malkin puts links in her posts the way some people reference other articles.

Huh? Timmy, don't take this the wrong way or anything, but I think you're confused. Sort of like a male dog who tries to hump other male dogs because he's confused.

Timmy took it the wrong way the way that a viking would take it the wrong way.

Timmy in the well,

Your comments wound me like a dull knife wielded by a retard with bad motor-control skills.

Chris Matthews does subtraction as if he couldn't add two numbers together.

Sometimes a tank is like a well, and when Uncle Joe saw it was just Timmy in there he slowly pulled his belt back into its level and upright position, just like on an airplane or something.

Your attempts at humor are like Drew Bledsoe scrambling out of the pocket -- embarrassing and sloppy.

Michael Moore makes movies like a crazy, stupid, fat, rich liberal who has no respect for the truth would.

He had never really been able to be funny. Much like a humorless man has never been funny.

Ace's love-making technique can be considered pentium class.

Ed McMahon: Yesssss!

*applause

It was the stuff that dreams are made of, like old fashioned story telling being back in style.

Israel Got Ready to Lose its High Explosive Patience with Iran like a country that was beset on all sides by enemies but which had the nuclear option but which was constantly held in check by its stronger, more prominent fellow democracy but which finally could see its very existence threatened and decided that it would have to do something. Fast.

Timmy, seeing Uncle Joe fiddling with his belt, began to see the old man in a strange new light, like--well hell, I guess I just don't know what it was like.

This has been bugging me for a few minutes, and since I cannot redact my mistakes, I am forced to make the dreaded mea cupa post, which is like double dipping a chip.

Watching a Houston Texans game is like watching baseball.

These are actually from the Washington Post's Style Invitational. It's a weekly write-in contest that they have (or had) in which readers submit(ted) entries in a variety of categories (questions to Jeopardy! answers, captions for cartoons, bad Christmas gifts, etc.), and the winners win ridiculous and worthless prizes. Don't tell Dave at Garfield Ridge, but these actually ran on July 23, 1995. In fact, the hilarity of these analogies got me hooked on the Style Invitational.

At least until the Style Invitational jumped the shark, like that episode of Happy Days when the Fonzie jumped a shark. Now I don't really pay attention any more, like Howard Dean when answering questions about Iraq.

Reading SaPLV's posts is like watching mold grow on the walls of a home flooded by Katrina. And just as bleach kills mold, so does truth kill SaPLV's posts.

Howard Dean is like a disorganized tropical storm 1000 mikes from land - full of sound and fury signifying nothing.

Ace's comment threads read like sarcastic retorts and witticisms from Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

He screamed like a lunatic, a crazy person on medication, taking Zoloft three times a day for something, I forget what,

oh yeah, lunacy.

This thread sucks like a vacuum cleaner, but I guess that's supposed to suck, so that isn't a bad thing, except this thread is bad.

He dropped to the ground screaming and kicking in the way that only small children do when throwing tantrums over not getting the GI Joe action figure they want except that I don't think they sell those anymore, and this guy wasn't a little kid; he was older.

"Freed from their brassiere, loosed from their supports, her breasts dropped like hanged men.

Shawn, isn't that a line from a movie with Tom Conti? What the hell was it.. oh hell gotta go google.

ah yes, Reuben Reuben. forgot he got best actor for that one.

PROSECUTOR: "How long had you been home before the burglar broke in?"
WITNESS: "I'm not sure. I am sure that I was watching a TV show that came on right when I got home, and it was going off at the exact moment the burglar broke in."
PROSECUTOR: "And what show were you watching?"
WITNESS: "Sixty Minutes."

Ba dump ching!

I hate to do the "this is old thing", but I first saw most or all of these in a Mike Royko column, and he's been dead since 1997. I couldn't find the whole column, but an excerpt is here.

Still, these are timeless classics, especially this one: "Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze."

The Douglas Adams reference aped in the article is as follows (slightly paraphrased 'cause I haven't read the book in a while):

"The Vogon construction fleet hung in the air in exactly the way bricks don't."

Oh yeah. Good stuff.