Doesn't actually suffer heart attacks. He attacks his heart.

Claims it "keeps it mean. Like a Dobermann."

Cool fact 1: He is the Vice President of the USA!!!

Well, he shaves his 'taint with a splitting maul, for starters.

He has refused to keep a defillabrator at home, choosing instead to throw himself on the 3rd rail at a nearby Metro station. And walked away chuckling, of course.

Actually used his own penis under the table to crack Joe Lieberman in the nuts during the '00 VP debates. Chuckled then, too.

He literally ate a Senate Democrat once after the poor fool bad-mouthed him.

What he couldn't finished was sent to the executive lunch room at Halliburton.

Barbara Bush was a brunette until the day she walked in on him in the can at a 70s GOP gathering.

Oh, there's a photo out there of his huge package! So huge that the horse guy would have fled.

Don't know how to link but I'll send it to Ace.

He's a huge Bette Midler fan and he tears up a bit during those Hallmark commercials.

He believes in killing wild animals armed only with his wits and a length of dental floss. His conquests include grizzly bears, polar bears, Wyoming moose, cougars, jaguars, Dall sheep, badgers, African and Asian elephants, crocodiles and alligators, pelagic sharks (mostly Great Whites), gibbons, baboons, and several species of the monkey family.

He also eats sea lampreys raw and wriggling.

He turned down the host spot on Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom to help out his friend and colleague, Marlon Perkins. He also turned down the role of "Mr. Greenjeans" on Captain Kangaroo because he loathed Bob Keeshan.

Dick Cheney, through his shady Third World connections, had a Haitian whore give Howard Dean syphillis and then steal his watch, which Cheney then gave to Tom Delay as a Christmas gift.

Cheney has strength, agility, and endurance that are enhanced by the Super Soldier Serum. He has mastered a number of fighting skills including an American style judo. He also has accelerated healing powers, indestructible metal adamantium bonded to his skeleton and adamantium razor sharp claws, and although blind, his other senses operate with super sharpness.

Favors legislation requiring Oregon residents to wear 'Runnng man" exploding neck collars.

Reason: States that start with 'O" piss him off.

Cheney's birth weight was 12 pounds 7 ounces, but had to be revised to 6 pounds 11 ounces after circumcision.

Dick Cheney's daughter became a lesbain only after a fateful day involving an unlocked bathroom door, and an accidental glimpse at Dick Jr. She's quoted as saying, "There's no way something like that is going inside me!" and "How the hell is mom still able to walk?"

-Teabagged a rabid pit bull at 1982 Laramie County Fair

Little known fact: immediately after the 2004 Vice-Presidential debate, Cheney dislodged his lower jaw and swallowed Senator Edwards whole.

Has mastered the art of sending hypnotic subliminal messages. For example, when he told that Senator to go f*** himself, the Senator actually went home and f***ed himself. Hence why everyone was upset.

Dick Cheney, was the last Vice President of the United States of America (2006-2008) and the self-declared Emperor of the Global Empire (2012), which he established after orchestrating a full-scale galactic conflict known as the Global War on Terror to seize dictatorial powers through special emergency measures.

Considered by most, including himself, to have been the greatest Dark Lord of the Neocons in the history of the Neocon Order, he was the only Neocon in a thousand years to achieve the ultimate goal of the Neocons—to eradicate the progressive and welfare reforms fo the 20th century and bring the Earth under the rule of the Neocons. He achieved this feat through political machinations, his mastery of Big Oil, and the help of several powerful apprentices—including the Chosen One , a young man by the name of George W. Bush, whom he manipulated into becoming the Neocon known as Darth Haliburton.

1. The only thing hard enough to cut Dick Cheney is Dick Cheney.

2. Received honorary bhodisattva status after successfully determining the answer to the zen question, "Where's Joe"?

Plays one-on-one close-range lawn dart dodge "ball".

The ships and planes that disappeared in the Bermuda Triangle? Cheney blew them up because they got too close to "undisclosed location."

Dick Cheney is not a mammal. Scientists speculate that he is in fact a Daspletosaurus.

Little known fact: The reason House Democrats all voted against Murtha's resolution is that, during bathroom breaks before the vote, Cheney ambushed them in the break rooms and cut their testicles off.

He keeps them in a jar on his desk.

Used his Halliburton fortune to have a T-Rex cloned from dna found in a fossilized mosquito's stomach just so he could have anal sex with it... like a Viking.

In college, Dick Cheney threw a 75-yard touchdown pass with his penis.

Dick Cheney's shot forty men-- one of them just for snoring too loud!

In one of his pre-human manifestations, was called Zh'a'dyrrleh, The Ageless Power From the Abyss. Was the Great God Cthulhu's right-hand-man (and will be again)!

Has authored many of the Chick tracts.

Has the street name of "Home Dome" and runs a string of girls out of South C-o*mpton, and is reputed to be the most ruthless, richest and most successful pimp in L.A. history.

Has acid for blood. It's a brilliant defense mechanism -- you don't dare kill him.

While John Edwards has his mother shave him by letting kittens lick his face, Dick Cheney shaves every morning with a jar of honey and an angry wolverine.

Following W's successful re-election in November 2004, Dick Cheney walked down Pennsylvania Avenue sporting a full erection.

There were no survivors.

Dick Cheney once travelled back in time just to rub his cock on Benito Musolini's face while he was sleeping.

Cheney's heart problem is due to the strain of keeping his penis inflated enough to prevent it from collapsing in on itself and forming a singularity.

Although he lets David Hasselhoff take credit, Dick Cheney brought down the Berlin Wall just by snarling at it, after someone told him there was oil underneath it.

Dick Cheney receives $600,000 in royalties from Sprite every year. The man piisses Lymon.

The design for the Predator drone was based on a C.I.A. analysis of Dick Cheney's sperm cells.

Dick Cheney launched the last successful moon landing . . . with his penis.

Dick Cheney started a war to make billions of dollars for Halliburton.

During a previous stint in private industry, as an inside joke for him and his cronies, attacked and crippled Hollywood studios, forcing them into rebuilding contracts with a then unknown Halle Berry.

After crashing in the desert on a Congressional Junket in the early eighties, Dick Cheney survived the heat for 82 days just by drinking his own sweat.

And also, the blood of all the other Congressmen who survived the crash with hinm.

The Cheney-Edwards debate was actually broadcast via tape delay, because at the end, Cheney tacked Edwards and gave him a nasty Adolph.

Dick Cheney doesnt have to have class....he has a huge penis.

Dick Cheney started a war to make billions of dollars for Halliburton.

Cheney's brain is 300% larger than Einstein.

In college, Cheney chased down and raped a moose in order to pledge Skull & Bones.

Cheney once choked Donald Rumsfield at a meeting using only his mental powers. His reason? He found Rummie's "lack of faith" to be disturbing.

Cheney once killed Chuck "God" Norris with an elbow strike to his head. Cheney then put Chuck's corpse in an figure-four leglock, BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE IT.

Cheney has had sex with more than 4,000 women He is slated to break Wilt Chamberlain 's record later this year.

Dick Cheney has 800 hit dice

The US Bureau of Weights and Measures sets its atomic clock according to the interval between the production of drops of Dick Cheney's ball-sweat.

Cheney sank Atlantis. By drilling for oil. With his penis.

Has acid for blood. It's a brilliant defense mechanism -- you don't dare kill him.

Sobek, this one's great. I like it nearly as much as mine.

(Anybody paying tribute to Alien via direct quote is a winner in my book.)

On three separate occasions, France has attempted to surrender to Dick Cheney's penis.

Eighteen million years ago, Dick Cheney fucked a spotted prehistoric gazelle up the ass on a dare, creating the species we now know as "giraffes," which derives from a Bantu word meaning "Christ, I can feel that in my fucking tonsils."

Dick Cheney once taught a class on international relations at Johns Hopkins. The lectures consisted of Cheney leading a leashed mastiff up to the podium, and then sodomizing it for ninety minutes straight. Students swear they heard it say "Thank you."

Dick Cheney is so sexy he turned Andrew Sullivan gay.

With his penis.

Cheney invaded Russia in the winter and won.

1. So mean he laughs throughout Old Yeller.

2. That bit about his grandfather working on the railroad? Turns out it was just some disposable hobo he hired.

3. Almost resigned during Gulf War I when Bush Sr. refused the preemptive VX strike on Baghdad.

4. On his last hunting trip with Antonin Scalia, when a reporter asked him what they were hunting, Cheney just laughed and said "Roe v. Wade".

5. The temperature in any room he enters mysteriously drops by 10 degrees.

6. When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

7. Bathes every night in the warm, viscous plasma of freshly killed Iraqi insurgents to keep his skin soft.

8. Ted Kennedy is afraid to drive with him.

9. Once pimp-slapped Don Rumsfeld in a cabinet meeting.

10. Fixed the last papal conclave, just for kicks.

Schwarzenegger refuses to appear in public with Cheney because Arnold says Cheney makes him feel "inadequate". Maria Shriver agrees.

Vladimir Putin has a man-crush on him, and drives everyone at the Kremlin nuts by wearing a baseball cap backward and saying, "Step off!"

Saved the Ghostbusters from certain destruction by telling them to cross the streams. Coincidentally, the only way to harm Dick Cheney is by crossing the streams.

Dick Cheney always bets on the Packers, which makes you wonder if he knows something you don't.

The James Bond character Ernst Blofeld was inspired by a chance meeting between Ian Fleming and Cheney on the Yale campus in 1959.

Years later, when Cheney saw You Only Live Twice, he was disappointed by the character's wimpitude and negligible intellect, and frowned at the screen in a manner that caused every actor who ever played the part to become a raving homosexual.

The Thousand Fighting Styles of Rumsfeld? Cheney taught him.

Jennifer Aniston left Brad Pitt for Dick Cheney.

Cheney killed the dinosaurs, because that's how you make oil.

On his first interview as Vice President of the United States, he was asked what his leadership qualifications were. He answered, "My pimp hand is strong!" Then proved it by making Candy Crowley teabag him in front of the entire White House press corps.

Insisted as child that he be called Dick instead of Richard just so the class bullies would pick on him.

In his very first game of golf he had 11 holes-in-one. He shot 34 for the round beating Kim Jong-Il by 4 strokes.

Everyone knows Dick Cheney dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima. But what is less well-known is that, before loading it, he spraypainted the words "It's not you, it's me" on the bomb's side, an expression he'd just invented.

Historians still debate which action was the more crucial in shaping the twentieth century.

Dick Cheney once circumcised himself without anesthesia in order to use his foreskin to create the Alaska oil pipeline to enrich his oil buddies and Halliburton.

Wait.

Make that, "Teabagged Candy Crowley in front of the entire White House press corps."

You know, 'cause he was the one doing the teabagging. Not Crowley. She begged for it. You know, 'cause his pimp hand was so strong.

Goddam it, I hate it when a joke goes astray....

His snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the fuck off."

In Cabinet meetings, he can make Don Rumsfeld cry by suggesting that maybe they need to have another "informal chat in the men's room."

Dick Cheney sired all the babies born in Canada in 1988.

Jessica Simpson is now "interning" for Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney made money as a child by travelling the backwoods and wrestling alligators. And also, fucking them.

Dick Cheney won't come into your home unless you invite him in.

Because he's really polite.

Dick Cheney spends his weekends at the zoo, snorting quicklime and throwing empty whiskey bottles at monkeys.

Was the inspiration for Col. Ripper in Kubrick's Dr. Strangelove.

I liked it the other way, Monty. I always suspected Candy Crowley of having a ballbag shaped cooch.

A million laughs at parties. Does a dead-on "Dr. Evil" impersonation, once you get the lampshade off his head.

Dick Cheney played all the instruments on the first Dokken album.

In 1970, a young Dick Cheney broke up The Beatles. Not because he hated their music, but just because "I wanted to pin something bad on a Jap chick. They get on my nerves."

Dick Cheney's left testicle starred on the first season of 'Fantasy Island', but was later replaced by Ricardo Montalbán.

"5. The temperature in any room he enters mysteriously drops by 10 degrees.

6. When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now"."

Colossus, these two are awesome.

Cheney once ruled the kingdom of Aquilonia through nothing more than his skill with the sword and bloodthirsty savagry.

Dick Cheney routinely fires a nail-gun into his own kneecap "just for the rush."

Dick Cheney fabricated intelligence reports of WMD just so he could millions of innocent Iraqis.

Dick Cheney assassinated Archduke Ferdinand and thus began the Great War. His reason? "The guy just sort of rubbed me the wrong way."

He has no regrets.

Refused to use more than thirty seconds in the Winner's Circle in his appearances on The $10,000 Pyramid, 'cause that's just how he rolls.

Dick Cheney has a komodo dragon in his basement named "P.J. Snugglebuttons III." At 2:30 AM every 3 of January he slips P.J. Snugglebuttons III into the bed of the senate minority leader for a laugh.

The idea for scotch taping a switchblade to your leg before you go out? Harry Callaghan got it from Cheney.

Cheney shot Ronald Regan, then pinned it on some crazy kid in love with Jodi Foster. Why? Because he felt like it.

Just seconds after he was born, Cheney had sex with his mother. Why? Because the putang was there.

Cheney once had a threesome with Larua and the Bush Twins. 14 hours later, all three ladies collapsed due to exhaustion.

Sang back-up for Ray Stevens on his top-10 hit The Streak.

My kung-fu style is truly the mightiest:

www.wonkette.com/politics/white-house/big-dick-cheney-oh-yes-very-big-025650.php

Dick Cheney created SARS because the Golden Dragon Restaurant on M street fucked up his order of Mongolian beef.

He sent it to Canada because, well, who wouldn't?

Dick Cheney killed Bruce Lee.

Obtained late working print of "The Phantom Menace" and added in Jar Jar Brinks to late for Lucas to correct.

Plans to do likewise with upcoming re-release of 'Chinatown.'

No, Bruce Lee killed himself because he couldn't stand coming in second to Cheney all the time. Then Elvis did the same.

During the vice-presidential debate, Cheney showed great mercy by restraining his mental powers and allowing Edwards to behave in a crelatively human manner.

After the debate, he showed great harshness by forcing Edwards to perform a variety of disgusting, amusing acts, until he got bored and transformed him into a giant jack-in-the-box.

Goddamn tramp Wonkette. I knew I should have linked to a more reputable site:

http://wizbangblog.com/archives/004296.php

Dick Cheney chiseled the 10 Commandments out of tablets of stone using nothing but one of his balls and his penis.

He also ate half the Redwood Forest and crapped Noah's Ark, animals included.

Dick Cheney wipes his ass with scorpions.

Cheney was banned from the 1992 MTV Video Music Awards for once calling Ice T "my nigga."

Dick Cheney takes candy from babies, then later gives it to diabetic babies.

It was Dick Cheney who put that permanent "shocked" expression on Nancy Pelosi's face. He did it...

...with his penis.

When the Devil went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal, the devil had to lay his golden fiddle on the ground at Dick Cheney's feet, after Dick Cheney outplayed him. With his penis.

During Dick Cheney’s last heart surgery, the doctors opened his stomach to find a half-digested great white shark. Inside the shark’s belly, they found eleven sea turtles, forty-three pounds of fish, two tires, six and a half feet of rusty chain, and one golf club.

To teach the kids who kept cutting across his lawn a lesson, Dick Cheney created childhood cancer.

Wrote the screenplay to "Saving Private Ryan" just by glaring at a stack of blank paper. Steven Spielberg had to edit out some of the more violent scenes before shooting.

Dick Cheney will not respect you in the morning.

He had sex with a horse once, it died of internal injuries.

Colonel Kurtz's village in Apocalypse Now was loosely based on Dick Cheney's summer home, but with 30% less Hmong tribal warriors and 175% less impaled corpses.

Actually, Kennedy would have liked to retire from the Senate years ago. He's still there because he makes Cheney laugh, and he's going to quit when Cheney is damn well ready for him to quit.

Dick Cheney once shot a man in Reno. Just to watch him die.

Dick Cheney made the President and CEO of Lockheed Martin piss his pants at a demonstration flight of the F-22 by saying "this better rock, bitch".

Dick Cheney routinely pisses on the hot wires when visiting the President at the Crawford Ranch. Secret Service guy said "He just starts giggling when the sparks fly. Creeps me out".

Dick Cheney is the marketing genius behind Reese's Peanut Butter Cup's "You got peanut butter on my chocolate/chocolate in my peanut butter" ad.

Dick Cheney outed a covert CIA agent, thus endangering the agent's life.

During state visit of Poland, had to cut short tour of Bergen-Belsen because "that shit was crackin me up."

Young Mr. Cheney invented Chinese Throwing Stars.
So he could jerk-off with them.

He had sex with a horse once, it died of internal injuries.

Bonus points for topicality.

It is widely believed that free-range chickens are far superior to captive ones, as they result in a more tender, juicy, healthful meal. Dick Cheney believes this too, but about homeless people.

Once lost $3.37 on the stock market. Vowing revenge, he travelled back in time and caused the Great Depression.

Dick Cheney was a founding member of the rap group NWA, but was booted out because the other members felt that his lyrics were just "too violent."

Dick Cheney was the prime force behind the deinstitutionalization movement of the 1970s and '80s.

Not because he cares about the rights of the mentally ill, but because he enjoys killing hobos for sport.

Dick Cheney knocked down the levees in N.O., but not with explosives . . . with his penis.

Dick Cheney is so mean he once killed every man, woman and child associated with a web hosting company. When asked why, he said there were too many internal errors whenever he tried to comment.

His penis was the "one-eyed monster" that scared Odysseus so badly in The Odyssey.

While taking notes, likes to levitate his end of the table at cabinet meetings.

I may be remembering this one from SNL, but I'm not sure. Anyway:

Dick Cheney does not believe in God; God believes in Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney is guilty of more war crimes than Henry Kissinger.

His real name is 'Dick' Cheney. Not 'Richard'. His birth certificate actually lists his first name as 'Dick.' That's what his mother named him. Guess why.

Dick Cheney has repeatedly pressed for Congressional resolutions banning torture, because it's not as fun if it's legal.

Cheney was the inspiration for the character Pennywise in Stephen King's It. When Cheney saw the mini-series, he laughed for three hours without stopping, and then turned Tim Curry into a raving homosexual.

In a bow to conservationsists, Dick Cheney converted his SUV. It now runs on orphans. And puppies. And orphan puppies.

Also, it gets 1 mpg city, 3 freeway.

And he never leaves the city.

Dick Cheney's scowl can keep butter from softening even at several degrees above room temperature.

Dick Cheney brought back the dodo from extinction because he likes the taste.

Dick Cheney is able to survive in the vacuum of space.

Dick Cheney built a suit of armor with a pacemaker like device to keep his heart going. He uses the suit of armor to defeat villans around the world. At times he is helped in his battles with his friend George Bush, a pilot in the Texas Air National Guard.

The reason liberals compare Dick Cheney and George W. Bush to a puppetmaster and puppet, respectively, is because Tom Daschle once walked in on Cheney ramming his fist so far up a hobo's rectum he knocked the guy's eyeballs out.

That's why Daschle has that nervous tic.

Dick Cheney always gets a little choked up when he hears his favorite love ballad, "Ass N Titties" by DJ Assault.

When he proposed to his high school sweetheart, he ate a lump of coal and shit out a 20 carat diamond.

His sweetheart rejected the diamond, as it came from his ass, so he ate her and shit out Lynne Cheney.

They've lived happily together ever since.

Dick Cheney made his fortune skinning harp seal pups. And babies.

Known for fastidious personal hygiene, Dick Cheney takes hours to groom his genitals...with a belt-sander.

Dick Cheney doesn't like the title "Vice President." He prefers the term "mentat." Also, he ordered that everyone in the White House be fitted with heart plugs.

Dug the Marianas Trench with his penis.

Dick Cheney tried to file his teeth into fangs, but remember: Only Dick Cheney is hard enough to cut Dick Cheney. He had to abandon his plan when he remembered this.

Dick Cheney exudes so much raw testosterone into the atmosphere that it turned his daughter gay.

Dick Cheney is so mean he shot forty men--one of them just for dreaming about snoring.

Dick Cheney had to leave Yale because he broke into the Skull and Bones tomb* and pleasured himself with Geronimo's fleshless cranium. An Apache shaman named "Ward Churchill" later asserted that he had learned that Geronimo was extremely grateful.

Sam Peckinpah's memoirs reveal that all of the characters in The Wild Bunch were based on Dick Cheney.

Prayer warrior Margaret Carlson offered to convert to Satanism in exchange for...one magical night with Dick Cheney.

*w.h.p.

Makes his aides call him not "Mr. Vice President" but rather"Two Hundred And Forty Pounds of Rompin' Stompin' Sex."

Dick Cheney discovered the meaning of life. Then he raped it.

Dick Cheney was the motion-capture actor for the velociraptors in Juraissic Park.

Dick Cheney is a great admirer of General Leslie Groves.

Except for "Leslie" taking it a bit too easy on the Japanese.

Personally brought the North American Buffalo to the brink of extinction. Blamed white settlers.

Dick Cheney deliberately piloted the Titanic into an iceberg because someone cheated him at high-stakes shuffleboard.

Moses brought down the Ten Commandments from the top of Dick Cheney's penis.

Dick Cheney lost his virginity at the age of 12 when he chased down and fucked an elk in Wyoming. Unfortunately, it was a bull, and it died of a perforated colon. Cheney still laughs uncontrollably when he tells this story at parties.

Caused the Hindenberg explosion just by glaring at it. When asked why he did so, he simply responded, "Practice."

Dick Cheney created the Crab Nebula during a particularly strenuous orgasm.

Do not feed Dick Cheney after midnight.

Dick Cheney writes all of Sarah Silverman's jokes.

This is a funny bunch of people here. These are all really good.

Hey Ace, you should make this a contest.

Snapped Christopher Reeve's neck as punishment for Superman IV. Those who later blamed it on a "horse" were speaking euphemistically, but the news media didn't realize this until the conventional wisdom was already too well-established.

Incidentally, John Edwards was right: if John Kerry had been elected, Reeve would have walked again, because then Cheney wouldn't have had the opportunity to keep snapping Reeve's neck, which regenerates like Wolverine's skin.

When Dick Cheney farts, he opens up microscopic "Tangent Universes" in which life is created and great star-faring civilizations rise and fall, all in mere seconds as we count time.

There are some who believe our own world is just a cosmic bubble created by Dick Cheney's flatulence. Physicists continue to wrestle with the paradoxes this poses.

Dick Cheney considers his greatest accomplishment putting the 'vice' back in 'vice president.'

I'll make it a contest if I don't have to judge the thing!

Ancient mariners were afraid to sail too far from shore because the edges of old maps were inscribed the the warning "Here there be Dick Cheney's penis."

Cheney killed Osama bin Laden, dried out his carcass and now enjoys Osama bin Beef Jerky.

Once found himself handcuffed to a burning car with a hacksaw nearby. Somehow convinced congressional democrats to vote overwhelmingly in favor of liberating him.

Cheney blew up the levees. Seriously, he blew up the levees!

Reads first-hand accounts of the Bataan Death March to children to toughen them up.

Dick Cheney was so outraged at 9/11 that he literally travelled back in time exactly 60 years to begin construction of the Pentagon, so that when he was Vice President during the War On Terror, he wouldn't have to "go out and draw some wussy Pentagrams" when he could, instead, make the headquarters of the Department of Defense into a locus of his dark powers.

Dick Cheney likes to take Democratic Senators and their wives to fancy Washington restaurants. Then, he stares at the wife's tits and pretends to "levitate" the table.

They usually don't stay for dessert.

Dick Cheney took his five deferments ... in bed.

If Dick Cheney raised his voice in public, the living would envy the dead.

Before Dick Cheney took over, Halliburton dominiated the Puppies, Ice Cream, and Fire Works industries.

Dick Cheney's secret undisclosed location was at the Starbucks off of DuPont Circle. Nobody dared talk about it.

Dick Cheney's icy stare has thus far prevented global warming from melting the polar ice caps.

.

I nominate Laura to be the judge!

Show of hands, please?

Dick Cheney invented Kwanza.

Started continental drift in order to ensure sufficent parking space for his puppy-fueled SUV.

And to get farther away from France.

After a couple of brewskis, Dick Cheney does a wicked karaoke of Dolly Parton's "Love is like a Butterfly".

Dick Cheney sweats Val-u-Rite Vodka, spits acetone, and pees naphtha.

Dick Cheney's sneer gives Christopher Walken cold shivers.

The cgi animators working on Peter Jackson's upcoming King Kong movie secretly shot footage of Dick Cheney's daily morning workout routine and based Kong's movements on that. Cheney caught them at it, chased them down and bit their heads clean off. And will be collecting royalties for his work.

In a related development, the entire cast and crew of King Kong announced that they're now homosexual and scheduled a mass wedding for January 2006.

Ace, just nominate someone to do it for you (no, I'm not volunteering).

Wilbur and Orville Wright invented powered flight because they had a premonition that "some day, in the future, mankind will desparately want to escape from the evil that was about to be unleased on this world," which scholars now agree refers to Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney dresses up as the rabbit from Donnie Darko every Easter

Cheney will solve the deficit problem in due time because he, and only he, knows how to divide by zero. In the meantime, he just enjoys watching everybody sweat.

Cheney blew up the levees. Seriously, he blew up the levees!

That's just a silly rumor. He actually flooded the city by jacking off into Lake Pontchartrain.

Found and opened the puzzle-box from the Hellraiser movies. Pinhead was too frightened to emerge.

Dick Cheney was the inspiration for Darth Vader's voice in Star Wars.

Or more accurately, his penis was the inspiration.

Dick Cheney's Christmas cards contain nothing but a photo of his glistening balls and the words "Look upon my works and despair."

Nepal used to be flat. Dick Cheney intimidated the Nepalese government into signing a contract with Halliburton to construct the Himalayas.

Dick Cheney's first aid cabinet contains a jug of kerosene, a hacksaw, and a 17 year old Thai hooker.

Dick Cheney called the pope last week and told him to get rid of that limbo thing "because it just bugs me, ok"?

Sobek, I thought Cheney was the inspiration for the Pinhead character. The portrayal both amused and disgusted him, so he turned Clive Barker into a raving homosexual.

That's just a silly rumor. He actually flooded the city by jacking off into Lake Pontchartrain.

This little-known fact, by the way, neatly explains the toxic character of the floodwaters.

Dick Cheney had the "Hope Diamond" renamed the "Fear and Obey" Diamond.

Dick Cheney uses Willy Pete as snuff.

In the 1960s zoo vets used Dick Cheney's hair to help rhinos in captivity mate

.

Dick Cheney's pacemaker is powered by "Mr. Fusion," from Back to the Future II. He enjoys hooking it up to his flux capacitor and going back in time, just to smack Hitler around with his schlong.

Dick Cheney is responsible for Michael Jackson's complexion.

Dick Cheney is absolutely certain that the movie "Easy Rider" has a happy ending.

Dick Cheney carries a leather bag filled with one tooth from the mouth of every man he's murdered in cold blood.

The bag is forty feet in diameter and weighs approximately six tons.

When Harry Reid pisses him off, he just points to his Big Bag O' Teeth and mouths out the words, "There's still room."

Ace, just nominate someone to do it for you (no, I'm not volunteering).

OK, Sobek, I nominate Michael!

Dick Cheney has caused the suffering of millions of people.

I'm honored, Ace. I accept.

Dick Cheney's heart was the inspiration for Dr. Seuss's How the Gringch Stole Christmas with the hope it would cause Cheney to become more sympathetic. Dr. Seuss was killed and eaten by Cheney. He called it roast beast.

Some ancient civilizations believed that Dick Cheney supported the weight of the world on his shoulders.

This is a myth. It's (ahem) not on his shoulders.

First place goes to Michael!

All right, it's Michael as the judge (and you can include your own stuff, if you feel it's worthy).

Just send me a notepad or MS Word document of your list and I'll put it up.

Cheney's five favorite method of executing his enemies: 5) Katana blade, 4) Secret Pentagon Death Ray Pistol, 4) Chop-Sticks, 3) Bo staff, 2) Triangle Choke and 1) Haliburton-paid US Imperialist Stormtroopers.

One time Cheney got into a fight with Ronald Regan, who defeated him and tossed him into a pit of lava. Cheney was burned so bad they turned him into a cyborg, and he is more machine than man now, twisted and evil.

Most people don't know Cheney has a soft side. One time he executed a waiter at a resturant with a steak knife (the waiter was late coming with Dick's steak sauce). Saddened by what he had done, Cheney wept openly for a full minute. Then he cut out the waiter's heart and ate it, tears running down his cheeks.

Dick Cheney? Actually somewhat fond of patchoulli and incense sticks.

Dick Cheney sneaks into the break room at the Old Executive Office and eats any muffin left in the fidge there.

Later, he 'finds' the wrapper in the wastebasket near the temp.

He's done it so often, it's like he doesn't even care that no one's fooled anymore.

Dick Cheney believes that the country needs less litigation, and more chainsaw duels.

Previous Ace post was bogus, obviously.

No it wasn't. If you want to be the judge, you're the judge.

Oh, and another thing Dick Cheney used his time machine for: he went back and raped a few Vikings "just to show them how how it was done."

Holy shit, previous Ace post was not bogus! This thread is moving way too fast.

OK, Ace, I'll still accept, and disqualify myself.

Dick Cheney, is, in fact, significantly meaner than Bad, Bad Leroy Brown. Subsequent to meeting with the Vice President, Mr. Brown has developed an extreme irrational fear of both the Washington Monument and clowns.

Dick Cheney is responsible for the existence of Vikings, as well as marzipan.

Okay, so when Ace capitalizes his name, that's when we know he's really serious?

Dick Cheney considers the law of gravity to be more of a guideline.

Cheney puts sparkly PowerBait on his dick before swimming in the Amazon. He likes the tingle those urethra fish give him.

The entire Star Trek franchise was born when Dick Cheney demanded NBC put on a series in which females wore skirts so short "you could almost smell their pooters."

Elric of Melnibone was compelled to sacrifice an entire universe to the Gods of Elemental chaos by the power of a soul-sucking black sword called...

Dick Cheney's Penis.

Dick Cheney is absolutely certain that the movie "Easy Rider" has a happy ending.

You mean it doesn't?

Cheney once killed and ate a congressman in front of a visiting troop of girl scouts, as part of his demonstration of "how a bill becomes law."

Dick Cheney flosses with concertina wire.

Dick Cheney was the case study for Cialis to determine how long is too long for an erection. The formula they used was a Cheney erection time divided by 10.

Dick Cheney caused hundreds of hours of lost work time just by existing.

Little Known Fact: Dick Cheney was dropped on the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki during WWII.

Shortly before being evaporated, they were rumored to have thanked him for it.

Best. Thread. Ever.

While visiting Iraq, Dick Cheney amused the troops by disarming IED's through squeezing them between his butt cheeks until they detonated with a barely audible whimper.

Dick Cheney's penis has a strange birthmark which, curiously enough, consists of the entire text of Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness.

"Kill them all" is written on the base of his glans, "The horror, the horror" on the tip.

Marlon Brando shaved his head to play Col. Kurtz in order to resemble Dick Cheney's penis. That's also why he gained 400 pounds.

Dick Cheney says he'll call... and he does, but it's collect.

The myth of King Arthur actually derives from Dick Cheney pulling his penis from the Wyoming Rockies. According to legend, the man who could pull Cheney's penis from the mountains and wield it would become the High Ascended Dark Priest of Neocons, leading to a thousand year reign of puppy-fueled SUV's, baby harp seal skinning, invasion of oil rich countries, and, for his amusement, the torment of Jeanaine Garafolo and Margaret Cho being forced to listen to each other's jokes.

It was Dick Cheney who suggested to Oprah that lose and gain 100 lbs yearly to improve her show's ratings.

Dick Cheney refuses to comment on his alleged connection to the Tunguska blast of 1908, saying only that Siberia "had it coming."

Dick Cheney's Miata has a bumper sticker that reads 'I heart Evil."

Curt Cobain killed himself after he heard that Dick Cheney was "not so fond of Nirvana's latest album."

He also is rumored to have told Layne Staley, "You can do more than that, what are you, some kind of pussy?"

Spotted in Virginia: Bumper stickers reading "My other car is Dick Cheney's cock."

The entire eight-minute version of Inna Gatta Da Vida was inspired by a mis-heard Dick Cheney knock-knock joke.

Dick Cheney invented Mohammedism just to keep the world interesting.

Dick Cheney killed Davey Crockett when he (Cheney) was only three.

Dick Cheney is the only Vice-President with a performing arts center named after his genitalia.

Dick Cheney: able to rescue the Princess in Super Mario Brothers in fifty-seven seconds, never once touching the controller...with his hands.

Dick Cheney invented AlGore, who invented the internet.

Dick Cheney's penis actually is the poster "Pheonician in a Time of Romans", and is thus the genesis of this thread at Protein Wisdom Naked Testicle Spiderman.

If you play Stairway to Heaven backwards, you can clearly hear "Oh my sweet Dick Cheney... sodomize me with your massive throbbing fuck-boa."

Dick Cheney heard that, and shortly afterwards John Bonham was found "choked on his own vomit."

Right.

Dick Cheney's penis actually is the poster "Pheonician in a Time of Romans", and is thus the genesis of this thread at Protein Wisdom Naked Testicle Spiderman.

In quatrain X 75, Nostradamus wrote

A horse-like man, the king he’ll rule
to take black gold in eastern soil
A name of chayne, fooler of fools
Anti-Christ to hats of foyle

Dick Cheney's testicles are believed to consist primarily of curium.

Dick Cheney created Spurwing Plover using only his own saliva and bread crumbs.

Dick Cheney's neck is surrounded by a colorful frill which he can puff out to signal violent rage or a willingness to mate.

Usually both.

The first rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... you do not talk about Dick Cheney's White House.

The second rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... you DO NOT talk about Dick Cheney's penis.

The third rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... If a member of the press corps goes limp, then the fight's over

The fourth rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... Nancy Pelosi is my bitch. Period.

The fifth rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... Press Conferences will go on as long as they have to.

The sixth rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... Take the soap away from Andrew when he visits for his annual smackdown.

The seventh rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... No one stays in the Lincoln without talking to me first.

The eighth rule of Dick Cheney's White House is ... If this is your first time in the Rose Garden, you have to fight.

Who runs bartertown? I think you know.

Dick Cheney bogarts the WH's new Xbox 360, 'accidentally' resetting the machine with his foot just when he's about to die, claiming thusly, 'it doesn't count' as his turn at Double Dragon.

Dick Cheney takes the flying saucer at Area 51 out cruising for "alien tail" most nights.

The Eagles fired Terrell Owens because Dick Cheney told them "Redskins sweep or you weep."

Keyser Soze was recorded by the FBI saying "Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Dick Cheney."

Dick Cheney killed Uday and Qusay Hussein with his official White House letter opener. He called it " Diplomacy, Cheney style".

I promise the winners will be announced before Easter.

THE RULES:

Please feel free to email your opinions to me. I will prefer a "consensus" winner to my own (warped) personal opinion.

Special consideration will be given to the opinions of members in good standing of the Crap Tree Society™ and the Banned by Bill Association™ in recognition of their loyal service to official AOSHQ affiliate organizations.

bbeck's opinion will be weighted in proportion to her hooters.

The opinions of those who have recently been chastised by the AOSHQ Comment Quality Control Department will be appropriately discounted.

Offers of money and sex will receive due consideration.

Cedarford can email me an entry and it will be considered.

Monty's entries will be considered, but just off the top of my head, I would guess he does not have a snowball's chance in hell after beating me in the poetry contest.

Ace's entries are disqualified on their merits, because recognizing his entries would represent a level of sucking-up that makes even me cringe. (But he can still offer me money or sex like everyone else.)

Helen Thomas - retired after a private conversation with Cheney in the men's room.

Dude: You gotta keep this thread bumped for the weekend.

Dude, you suck. I've got some good ones here.

Dick Cheney invented Zionism and stole land from the Palestinians.

Does for the press corps what napalm did for Dresden.

Mullah "One Eye" Omar - blinded since having a "significant emotional moment" with Cheney in the '80s.

Show me some love for the Spurwing comment. C'mon, that's top-notch.

So Dick Cheney walks into this talent agent's office and says "I've got a great act." The agent hesitates; he's having a busy day, and he's already got a bunch of other acts booked. "Trust me," says Cheney. "You don't have one like this."
The agent gives in. "You've got five minutes," he tells him.
Cheney sits down, and takes out a glossy photo of Martina Navaratilova and a bottle of 80-proof irish whiskey. He holds the picture in one hand, and with the other he pours whiskey down his pants and starts furiously masturbating. As the agent sits there in terror, he scowls and begins grunting unintelligibly at the photo. "Ugh, ugh," he's grunting. "Ugh, ugh, ugh, UGH!!!" Sweat beads form on his forehead, and the agent, now completely paralyzed with fear, has no choice but to continue watching even though he knows that he's now most likely going to Hell just for witnessing this. The temperature in the room is now noticably warmer, and Cheney's still sitting there, pounding away with one hand while the other clenches the photo like it's trying to strangle it. He bends over, picks up the whiskey bottle with his mouth, and proceeds to down the rest of it. He spits it out at the agent, and when it hits his stomach he involuntarily vomits all over the floor, his desk, and himself. So now the room is reeking of vomit and whiskey, plus the acrid smell of burning tires that comes from the smoke rising off of Cheney's crotch as he continues glaring at Martina and savagely beating the hell out of his penis. "Fifteen-love!" he shrieks. "Thirty-love! Forty-love! And...and...and...oh holy fuckin' shit...GAME!!!!!" he screams, and as he climaxes there's an explosion--the walls explode outward, the ceiling collapses, and the agent is shot backward out of his chair and knocked senseless on the floor. Cheney slumps back in his chair. "I knew it was possible," he says.
The agent comes to a few minutes later as Cheney is zipping his fly back up and smoking a postcoital cigar. "Jesus H. Christ!" he says. "That's some act! What do you call it?" Cheney just leans back, blows a smoke ring, and says: "The Aristocrats."

OMFG. When you write one even mildly smileworthy, then you can talk. I'm making comedy history on this thread.

Mattel got the idea for GI Joe with the Kung Fu grip after watching Cheney manhandle Manuel Noriega in "Diplomatic Discussions" in 1989.

When he jacks off, he wipes himself with tissues, hand-towels, or wild boars. Whatever's available.

Most of Dick Cheney's vice-presidential duties consist of reprising Robert Duvall's role in The Great Santini as he bounces a basketball off the foreheads of Senate Democrats.

John-f'ing-Kerry?

Dick Cheney's penis wearing a suit and pulling a practical joke on the DNC.

Wrote the lyrics to "Rocket Man." Originally intended it to refer to killing the innocent in rocket attacks, but realized that wouldn't really work, with Elton John singing it.

Dick Cheney is actually an android sent back in time to save humanity by creating a super-race better prepared to combat the Kworzaks, who are scheduled to land in the year 2354 from the planet Qirk.

How's he attract women? You saw the picture - special modification type 2233A.

He once knocked a girl up just by sneezing on her car-keys.

Dick Cheney periodically goads Germany to invade Poland to prevent Europe from "going all sissy".

Dick Cheney's career as a professional assassin ended when he befriended a young girl named Matilda, who was being hunted by dirty cops. After Matilda got her revenge, he resumed his career as a professional assassin.

Kanye West once said, "Dick Cheney hates black people." Beyonce then responded, with a sly, subtle smile, "But Dick Cheney's penis loves black people."

At night, converts to gaseous form, enters retirement villages where he clouds the minds of elderly men, instilling in them desires of 'Member's Only' jackets and bladder control issues.

Ozzy Ozbourne got the idea for biting the heads off of live bats from Cheney...but Cheney's were live moonbats...

Ants have the proportional strength of Dick Cheney.

Every night, Dick Cheney devours a giant panda, just to fuck with the World Wildlife Federation and the Chinese.

Dick Cheney's favorite pastime?

Clubbing baby seals.

With his penis.

Dick Cheney strangled all the snakes in Ireland after his parents died -- because someone had to pay.

The hell of it was, his parents died of old age. Dick Cheney didn't care. Someone had to pay.

Suspicious headlines:

"Dick Cheney: The interview that Al Jazeera does not want you to see."

"Al Jazeera unveils "redecorated" Studio 4"

For now, Dick Cheney allows the Statute of Liberty to keep her giant torch. But when Cheney decides America has enough immigrants, he will have the torch replaced with a scale-model of his cock, to scare away other would-be immigrants.

Barry White?

Dick Cheney's alter-ego.

Oh yeahhh...

A remorseless eating machine, he floats at D.C. public pools, waiting for children to float by, before he strikes, jaws extended, glassy eyes rolled to the back of his head.

Believe it... or not!

Most people don't know that Dick Cheney was present when the phrase "oh my God, look at the size of that thing" was used for the very first time in history.

He wasn't the one who said it, though.

Believe it... or not!

Dick Cheney's nose contains 1000 times the number of scent-sensors as a human nose. If unraveled and stretched out, the membranes of his nostrils would stretch to Miami to New York and back again.

Best Bumber Stickers and T Shirts seen in Kandahar:

"Bin Laden: In a cave because Cheney fuckin' wants it that way."

"Cheney: All your Al Quaida belongs to us!"

"Cheney SAYS: I got your poppies right here! Real Afghannies don't do drugs."

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grinds hard stones to meal;
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.

Answer: Dick Cheney

Cheney was asked to play the part of Rambo in "Rambo: First Blood." The prodcers thought it was great that Dick didn't need the bowie knife prop because he could use his ....

Dude, you suck. I've got some good ones here.

Sorry, Ace. The Rules have now been officially posted.

But let me repeat myself:

Ace's entries are disqualified on their merits, because recognizing his entries would represent a level of sucking-up that makes even me cringe. (But he can still offer me money or sex like everyone else.)

After the Nazis removed the lid from the Ark of the Covenant, they only had a few seconds to gaze upon the Dick Cheney inside before their flesh melted off.

For unknown reasons, women who spend time near Dick Cheney begin ovulating at precisely the same time, approximately five times an hour.

Once, a protestor yelled at Dick Cheney while he was walking through Washington.

Dick Cheney smiled, then ripped the man's heart from his chest and ate it raw in front of the guy's kid. When the kid cried, Dick Cheney said, "Oh, don't be such a fucking pussy," and spit blood on the sidewalk.

Dick Cheney was awarded a Nobel Prize for his innovation: "the shocker."

Dick Cheney served as U.S. Secretary of Defense during the first Gulf War.

Damn, that's a good one.

Hey man:

Cheney says that Ace's stuff stays. Because he fuckin' wants it that way.

Mozart's "Le Nozze di Figaro" was originally entitled "Le Nozze di Cheney," but he kept ripping the divas in half.

Every five hundred years, Dick Cheney spontaneously bursts into flames, but he is then born anew from the ashes.

Lets Jack Dalton pretend Jack invented the statement "pain don't hurt," because Cheney doesn't feel the need for recognition.

Dick Cheney's ball-sweat contains a powerful hallucinogenic compound that Mayan Indians use for Dream-Quests. They call it La Leche Del Diablo, or "The Devil's Milk."

(Okay, I've used that one before.)

When it snows in Washington, Dick Cheney doesn't put chains on his tires, but instead uses hippies.

In an upcoming release of the popular board game Candyland, Mollasses swamp has been renamed Cheney Swamp.

In a bid for authenticity, Cheney refused to lend his name until Milton Bradley instituted the technology that any child who landed there would actually contract malaria.

Most people don't realize it, but the reason that America has taken such a passive aggressive route to extracting information from prisoners in Gitmo is because of object lessons learned after a visit from Vice President Dick Cheney in 2003.

Cheney showed interrogators what they could achieve with a waterboard, a pair of fruit of the looms, and a tatoo on his ass that says "LYNNE".

After that it wasn't a question of torture, but of how to out-Cheney Cheney. That's called leadership. That's called the high life.

Cheney: VICE President.

Just about says it all, dontcha think?

Dick Cheney blocked the filming of The Lord of the Rings for forty years, because he deemed Elves "too fucking faggy." Production could only begin once he was busy running for the Vice Presidency.

Dich Cheney's measured, elegant speaking style belies the fact that he opens all Senate sessions with "Listen up, motherfuckers.", and then throws a gavel at Barbara Boxer.

Dick Cheney invented the Worldwide Communist Conspiracy on a bar-bet.

Dick Cheney doesn't tell anybody, but on weekends he blogs about ponies.

Dick Cheney invented the printing press just so he could more easily produce his swingers' newsletter.

Dick Cheney received draft deferments during the Vietnam War because he qualified as his own branch of the U.S. Armed Forces. China did not become directly involved in Vietnam because of the threat of the 1st Cheney division burrowing directly through the center of the earth and annihilating Peking with one hearty belch. Informed of the Chinese reluctance to face him, Cheney famously taunted the Chinese military commander by giving his trademark sneer and exclaiming "Ha! General Tso's Chicken!"

Thus was this staple of Chinese carryout cuisine named by Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney disdains billfolds and credit cards, , preferring to carry a leather sack of 16th century Spanish doubloons instead.

Dick Cheney's favorite snack?

Souls.

Dick Cheney played "Rico" Tubbs on Miami Vice througout the show's five-year run. He worked under the false name of "Phillip Michael Thomas" so as not to tarnish his more serious and important work on the stage, and in hard-core fetish pornography.

Dick Cheney is half badass, half sex machine, and all werewolf.

Dick Cheney rides Vinnie Falcone's ass. But not in a gay way...

Dick Cheney wants to replace the Star Spangled Banner with Surfing Bird

Dogs are afraid of vacuum cleaners.

Vacuum cleaners are afraid of Dick Cheney.

The Ultimate Fighting Championship was forced to outlaw eye-gouging and fish-hooking not just because they felt these moves were inhumane, but because Dick Cheney owns the patents.

Dick Cheney once killed a man with a paper clip.

It took him three years, but eventually the man succumed to his wounds.

He's patient and evil, like a crocodile armed with a paper clip.

Has an AoS thread ever hit three hundred this fast? A three-hundred thread count almost as fine as Dick Cheney's sheets!

Dick Cheney once coached a little league team full of incompetent yet spunky and lovable youngsters. When the crowd arrived for the championship game they discovered that, rather than the baseball game they were expecting, they had to sit there for three hours while Cheney's kids gang-raped the opposing team's coach.

Incidentally, ace, Inna Gadda da Vida is actually 17 minutes long.

17'34" I believe.

Dick Cheney's middle name?

Bruce.

But Bruce like a Viking, not Bruce in a gay way.

Dik Cheney summers every year on Fire Island, wearing only speedos everywhere.

He makes friends with a new resident each season, touching him, dropping suggestive hints, teasing them all season, then shows up at their 'quiet BBQ' with his wife in tow, exclaiming 'Oh, you didn't think...I'm sorry if anything I did gave you the impression..." feigning embarrassment.

17'34" I believe.

There's a reason for that. It's inspired by something else that's 17'34", I believe.

Dick Cheney fought Tony Danza for the lead role in the sitcom, Who's the Boss?. Stung by his defeat, Dick Cheney traveled back in time and led a band of nomads to bloody conquest under the alias "Attila."

Weird. Same length as...you know...

A bunch of us should email a link to this thread to Dick Cheney's office. His staff will be rolling on the floor tomorrow.

vice.president@whitehouse.gov

Cheney regularly offers to ride home with Ted Kennedy after a late night with the boys, and doesn't even pack a set of fins and a snorkel. (Sorry - I was inspired by one of the earlier comments)

After turning down an offer from Mafia Don, Cheney woke up with a horse head in his bed. He grabbed it, held it like a teddy bear, and went back to sleep.

Cheney flouts his independence in the White House by not working out. He says he gets all the exercise he needs by "doing Force Recon shit" on the Senate Floor.

Whenever you see Cheney wearing an off-white shirt and appearing with Bush, it's a good bet he's wearing his "I'm with Stupid" t shirt. Just to piss him off ....

Shock and Awe - first seen in the VP's bedroom, man.

Cheney visits the Middle East periodically - just to give the 2nd ID a few days off.

Cheney taught Jeff Gannon everything he knows. 'Nuff said.

Toughest part of George Bush's job - convincing Cheney to give better justification in meetings with foreign dignitaries than "Because that's just the fuckin' way I want it."

Second toughest part of GWB's job - convincing Cheney that "going commando" scares the ladies.

Dick Cheney's Rice Krispies are afraid to snap, crackle, and pop. They just sit in the box and say, "Shh! Here he comes!"

They are often rolling on the floor in the VP's office, because Dick Cheney makes the earth tremble as he walks by with his characteristic footfall...CLIP, CLOP, *SPLUD*, CLIP, CLOP *SPLUD*.

Are you kidding me? No one on Cheney's staff laughs at him, lest they be bent over the desk and given what's known around the White House as "the lethal injection."

It's a little known fact that Kung Fu's david carradine got the idea for his "pick up the red hot coals in an iron chest with your forearms" bit after seeing the Ancient Gold Dragons tatooed on the inside of Dick Cheney's thighs.

Like many Americans, after a week at work Dick Cheney's penis enjoys a few beers at the local club.

Dick Cheney refuses to carry paper currency, considering it to be artificial and valueless. Instead, everywhere he goes he carries a thirty-pound bar of solid platinum, which he uses to bash in the heads of merchants until they are thoroughly dead, and then he just takes all their shit.

He says he's just doing what he can "to help rebuild the American economy," and no one wants to argue the point with him.

Dick Cheney once performed an abortion on Maya Angelou by using the Force.

ace-

check your e-mail

India recently renamed the city of Madras Chennai. Do I really need to tell you why?

Who let the dogs out?

Yup.

Dick Cheney's freezer contains nothing but pizza rolls and human eyeballs.

In 1973, Evel Kinevil attempted to jump Dick Cheney's cock on a rocket-bike.

He broke 17 bones and was hospitalized for three months.

A scale model of Dick Cheney's cock was to be included in the Evel Kinevil motorcycle jump-toy, but the cost was determined to be prohibitive.

Cheney's pen is mightier than his sword, but only because he honed down its edges when he served a stretch and because he's quick to strike a blow to the juggler, ripping horizonatally before most civil servants even know they've pissed him off.

Those damned jugglers annoy me too, what with all that flying fruit.

Dick Cheney won the first season of Survivor by eating the other contestants and camera crew. CBS is too scared to air the footage.

In most cases, an attempt to kill a civil servant that results in the death of a performance artist, such as a juggler, would be collateral damage.

For Cheney, we prefer to think of it as accessorizing.

Or for the penis, perhaps, garnish.

ace, I've got an avacado in my backpack,

with your name on it

See-Dub: Comedy history can't sit by thumbing through dictionaries and shit.

Eat me.

Dick Cheney officially refers to Harry Reid as "the senior Senator from Doucheistan".

Alex/Ace/Reo:

The quality is tapering off. Take a deep breath.

As CEO of Halliburton, executives from rival megacorporations would attempt to kill or capture Cheney to ransom him for Halliburton stocks. Cheney survived all 273 such attacks, his Wyoming ranch uses their skulls to mark his territory.

While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana whorehouse, Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom.

The bodycount was fourteen Mexican whores and one cougar.

In Tijuana, they refer to this as "The Night of the Sodomizing Cougar-Man."

Dick Cheney refers to it as "last Thursday."

Juggle my fruit, Doc.

PS I'll tell Dick Cheney you said that.

This is why SNL skits are only 5-10 minutes long.

BTW, Lorne Michaels was discovered by Dick Cheney.

Yea, I'm done.

Through a process to horrible to tell here, Cheney has converted nearly 200,000 Halliburton stock option into a sort of killing curse. He now need only say the name Halliburton and a liberal, if in earshot, will die.

It was hell trying to keep Edwards moving through the use of his mind during the Vice Presidential debates.

A weird side affect is that liberals now think that "Halliburton" itself is an actual argument killer. They say the word and their point is made. tragic, the fools.

Dick Cheney came close to causing an international incident last year in Tel Aviv when he interpreted the phrase "skull cap" too literally.

Dick Cheney is responsible for the current SNL.

Yeah, i'm taking a break too. (Calm down. Tide yourselves by reading some of my previous gems.)

Like the praying mantis, Dick Cheney devours his mate after coitus.

Dick Cheney ... I curse the fates that contrived for me to exist subordinate to him. Oh to be born a century earlier.

Dick Cheney hacked Everquest, and inserted the infamous dup bug, thus ruining the economy of the popular online game.
A disconsolate Smedley asked only "Why, Dick Cheney?"
The response: "Too many elves."
Snow fell for the first time in EQ the next day.

Dick Cheney's iPod contains only "The Fuck Shop" by 2 Live Crew, set on "repeat."

Dick Cheney wrote the following children's books:

"Daddy, what are you doing to Mommy?"
"Santa Clause, RIP"
"Everything I need to know in life, I BEAT from my kindergarten teacher."

Psychiatrists pay him annual royalties.

Dick Cheney was once kicked out of a theater for interrupting the movie "Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer." He kept shouting "you fucking amateur!" at the screen and throwing popcorn.

Dick Cheney likes the Special Olympics for all the wrong reasons.

In 1975 he singed all the hair off his balls in an attempt to show up that pussy G. Gorden Liddy.

Dick Cheney makes Baby Jesus cry.

With his penis.

Written on Cheney's wallet?

Bad Ass Motherfucker.

The Anti-Christ is a no-show. Hasn't being able to walk since being sodomized by Dick Cheney.

I think Andrew should win.

Perhaps a tasteful scale copy of Dick Cheney's dick should be the trophy.

When Dick Cheney has to change a tire, he needs no jack. He just gets under the car and reads Playboy.

When Dick Cheney farts - and he does so, loudly and with pride - all the survivors pretend they didn't smell anything.

Winston Churchill penned the nine-volume set "The Second World War".
His copy editor, and inventor of the Internet, Dick Cheney emailed: "Leave my name out of this."
"The Second World War" was released as a six-volume set, and Winston was a closet homosexual thereafter.

Cheney's name is a killing word. Fremen rode his penis into battle against the Emperor.

When he wrote the Lyric " I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die" Johnny Cash was talking about Dick Cheney

Cheney is not as hard-hearted as rumored. When he was 14, Cheney witnessed a terrible car accident. Ignoring the cries of onlookers, Cheney ran into the burning wreckage and emerged carrying a flawlessly beautiful infant girl. He raised this girl as his own, and on her 18th birthday, he declared that he’d fallen in love with her, and he asked her to take his hand in marriage. When she paused before answering, he ate her face with a bag of Pop Secret.

Cheney’s favorite game is called “Urrdak.” It originated in the Land of Moon and Strife, and it involves flames, bone-daggers, and the severed head of a blind child. His second favorite game is Uno.

It's funny someone mentioned chainsaws earlier. Have a peek at this cartoon. Horribly violent, juvenile, but hilarious.

Referred to by senior administration officials by his secret appellation: "Sword of Damocles".

Dick Cheney keeps a list of his enemies by tattooing their names on his cock. The first name on that list: “Maurice Gibb.” The list grows longer every day.

Dick Cheney died in 1992. The current Vice President is Dick Cheney's cloned penis.

His earwax is a powerful hallucinogen, and tastes like cinnamon.

He once made Laura Bush climax just by staring at her.

He's remade one room in Blair House as an exact replica of Elvis' Graceland Jungle Room

Dick Cheney shits razor blades.

Dick Cheney wrote the original script for "The Silence of the Lambs," but the studio later decided that it was too brutal, and ordered a rewrite. The only line that wasn't cut was "It puts the lotion on its skin."

While on a sex-spree in a Tijuana whorehouse, Dick Cheney used a live cougar as a condom.
Posted by ace at December 1, 2005 08:22 PM

That one about did me in, Ace. I couldn't even read it to my wife for five minutes because I was laughing too hard.

The sign over Dick Cheney's bedroom door reads: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Dick Cheney wraps his testicles in barbed wire and then rides one of those mechincal bulls like in Urban Cowboy. Nobody is quite sure why.

And then Dick Cheney kicks my ass up around my shoulders for misspelling "mechanical."

Pablo Picasso once paid for a $1200 meal by taking a simple napkin and signing it "Dick Cheney."

Jay-Z was inspired to write the lyrics to "Big Pimpin'" after reading Dick Cheney's diary.

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Both men and women had to emigrate to Earth after Cheney rendered Mars and Venus uninhabitable, during a warm-up exercise.

Dick Cheney is actually Andrew Sullivan in drag.

Dick Cheney was once allowed to deliver a sermon at his church. Instead of preaching from the Bible, he read the letters section from Penthouse Forum while drinking a pitcher of raspberry margaritas. Then he barfed all over the altar, but everyone agreed that it was still a pretty good performance.

When Dick Cheney borrows Air Force One, he always switches the radio presets, resetting them all to, like, really shitty hipper-than-thou, low-watt college stations.

And If you call him on it he'll say he didn't touch them, then, finally, get all pissy, saying, "Fine, if you wanna listen to your 'soulless, I'm-a-corporate-drone rock' I guess that's your business. You fucking sellout."

That last part's always under his breath, though.

Dick Cheney has Saddam's wmds. He rode a tomahawk missile in two weeks before the invasion, packed them into a centerfuge, strapped it to his back and swam up the Tigris to Turkey.

Why?

He thought going to war over wmds was a pussy-ass reason. A real man would've kicked Saddam's ass just b/c.

There are some classics here (Andrew's "Aristocrats" entry should be in the movie), but the best came pretty early:

When a new senator places his hand on the book to be sworn in, very few realize it is actually the Necronomicon until Cheney laughs and tells them "you're mine now".

The Bush twins started drinking to forget the weekend they spent in a cocain-fueled Cheney's hottub when they were thirteen. Barbara still wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, "Why does uncle dick have three legs".

Cheney is just another phoney Republifag.

A nude portrait of Dick Cheney inspired J. Giles' Angel Is A Centerfold.

Taught Charlie to surf, just to piss off Lt Col Kilgore.

They say Scooter Libby is a mole
But they found WMDs in the hole
So Cheney fucked Wilson
"Plame's Flame - not so brilliant"
You know - that's just the way the Veep Rolls!

OK, I must concede that quality entries are still coming in.

But, can we maybe quit 400 comments?

Cuz, I was stupid enough to promise Ace in an email exchange that I would actually judge this ridiculous thread (I don't trust comment thread signatures, of course, given that I have faked ace's name and that of numerous others many time). I did this long before I realized that the AOSHQ morons were totally out of control on this topic.

Give me a break. I have a real job.

Dick Cheney's penis was elected in 99. Him and Bush had to fuck around with primaries and shit and didn't get around to getting elected until a year later.

They just started re-shooting X-Men 3. They had to start over because Xavier's whole frickin' mutant crew couldn't touch Cheney.

Even on the retakes.

Andrew inspired me. Time for the Aristocrats jokes. Maybe Ace can open up a new thread for them.

Dick and Lynne Cheney walks into a talent agency. Dick Cheney says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

Lynne says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

Cheney stands up on a chair as Lynne pulls a large paddle out of her purse. He pulls down his pants to reveal a pair of leopard-skin speedos and a rather pronounced erection. He begins squeezing his crotch as Lynne starts hitting him in the ass with the paddle.

"You like that, bitch? You like that, bitch?" Lynne begins to chant as she hits harder and harder.

The hard slaps only seem to excite Cheney more, and he pulls his shorts down and begins slapping Lynne across the face with his dick. She stops slapping him, reaches into her purse and pulls out a large dildo shaped like Howard Dean.

"Fuck me, Howie!" Cheney yells as Lynne obliges, cramming Dean in as far as he'll go. "This is the only way you'll ever get a chance to fuck us, you stupid bastard!" He continues stroking his 'little Cheney' as Lynne works it. She lays on the desk behind him in preparation for the end.

Finally, he can take no more and he explodes all over Lynne, the desk and the agent. "BOOYAH!!!" he yells as he finishes with a flourish, taking a dump on his wife's chest and giving her a Cleveland steamer.

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

Dick Cheney says, "The Aristocrats!"

If Cheney ever has to have a heart transplant, he'll use the one from his penis. It's already signed a donor card.

Those four kids at Kent State? Cheney did em.

Then he wrote that song about it.

You thought Neil Young sang it? Wrong. Cheney's penis in a flannel shirt.

Still makes him laugh til he cries whenever he hears it on the radio.

The real reason that Cheney won't run for president in '08: White House staffers are uncomfortable with the second Tuesday of every month being "Bring your carnivorous pet to work day" since Dick brought ...

the crazed cheetah.

Whaddya' think I was gonna say?

Upon hearing that Fiddy thinks that W is a homey, Cheney's new Secret Service code name is:

30 Pounder.

For all the right reasons.

Dick Cheney killed the dinosaurs. One at a time.

So, uh, umm... Michael...

Kinda hard to read, evaluate, and rank hundreds of entries, huh?

Yeahhhhh...

But, can we maybe quit 400 comments?

Pussy.

Truth be told, no one has ever died due to auto-erotic asphyxiation.

Dick Cheney just doesn't like jerk-offs.

He once put 350 Corn Nuts in his mouth, swallowed them whole and then forced Adam Clymer to eat them 24 hours later.

Dick Cheney could've been Proud Liberal Vet's father, but his mom didn't have change for a dollar.

During the VP debate, Dick Cheney arched an eyebrow at Edwards and all the styling went out of the Breck girl's hair leaving it limp.

Cheney is actually the father of Uday and Qusay Hussein. He killed them for being pussies, the evil part he found kinda encouraging.

Hides his shoulder length Fabio hair under a baldcap so that other dudes can score once in awhile.

When Cheney masturbates, a baby is still created. He can knock up a box of Kleenex.

Taught Vikings how to fuck a man in the ass. Before this, Vikings were actually kinda swishy.

After agreeing that Adam Clymer was a big-time asshole, Cheney left the stage, grabbed Clymer's hair and forced the guy to lick his shoes clean.

So, uh, umm... Michael...
Kinda hard to read, evaluate, and rank hundreds of entries, huh?

Well, from my experience at working for a software company, I figure it's all about process.

The first phase of the process is to quickly pitch 95% of the entries that are really lame, and didn't merit a laugh at all. Like this one:

Dick Cheney killed the dinosaurs. One at a time.

Sorting through the rest should not be so hard, if I apply some of that Six-Sigma discipline.

Ditka against Cheney.

Cheney, 17-16 on a late field goal.

Michael makes a good point.

Commenters on this site should be aware that all members of the AOSHQ Quality Control Department are Certified Six Sigma Black Belts.

Dick Cheney told me to start this thread and get Michael to volunteer to judge it just so he could show his nephew a concrete example of dramatic irony.

This thing must be allowed a long, natural descent. Seriously, this needs to be kept open and around the top till Monday. Any contest must come secondary. It must live, I tell you. Live.

Scientists are finally on the verge of creating a "space elevator", thanks to Dick Cheney's penis and its incredibly high-strength carbon nanotube structure.

Huh, I thought Six Sigma was a method to protect executives from having to make decisions and here you plan to use it to pick the best comments.

When Dick Cheney has a heart attack, no one in DC dies for the next 24 hours. Death is back home in the ninth ward pissing himself.

Someone else did version of this but I prefer:

Cheney killed Johnny Cash just to watch him die.

In case it hasn't been mentioned, Bob Dole's Cock wants it bad from Cheney's cock.

Dick Cheney's dark powers, when not being harnessed and channeled by their master (i.e. sneers and hobo murder), manifest in the corporeal world through a phenomenon described by one noted scholar as "loose shit." It's not known if this result is explicitly tied to the temporal continuity of Dick Cheney. One proposed theory states the existence of Dick Cheney at any point in the timeline may explain everything from the Big Bang, to the Heat-Death of the Universe, and even beyond to blackhole evaporation and the very existence of entropy. Another noted scholar known only as "Joe" disappeared promptly after beginning an investigation into the Cheney-Entropy theory.

Dick Cheney doesn't read 414 post threads.

Of course not. Dick Cheney has a cock to do that for him.

It's a little-known fact that Dick Cheney was both the first man to climb Mount Everest and to walk on the moon. Not many people know this because Cheney doesn't want to be remembered for "that kind of faggoty-ass bullshit."

Dick Cheney's cock read Cindy Sheehan's book, so you won't have to.

Everytime that Atrios starts a new open thread, Dick Cheney's cock grows an inch.

In case it hasn't been mentioned, Bob Dole's Cock wants it bad from Cheney's cock.

Nonsense... Dick Cheney's cock has been pulling double duty and serving as Bob Dole's cock as well, for many years now.

Nonsense... Dick Cheney's cock has been pulling double duty and serving as Bob Dole's cock as well, for many years now.

Well then it looks like Dick Cheney's cock has perfected cloning.

Dick Cheney shows up 5 minutes late to every staff meeting to give everyone a chance to get through the Litany Against Fear a few times. Otherwise, nothing gets done.

I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer...

After the meeting, staffers are seen staring vacantly and mumbling, "The guys get shirts, the guys get shirts..."

I'm all Dick Cheney'd out.
I have seen the name Dick Cheney more today than a normal man can bear.

If I dream about Dick Cheney tonight...

Strong new entries from Dex in TX and Jim in Chicago. The thread is alive at 421, which may make it the longest AOS thread ever.

I've gotta take a run to Valu-Rite if I want to stay in the game.

Dick Cheney invented Six Sigma as a means of tying up middle management in unending meetings so that actual work can get done. Rumors that he refered to the practice as "The Scientology of Business Management" are still unconfirmed.

That crab nebula that the hubble telescope just took pix of?

Cheney had Mexican last night.

Jim--Scroll up to 6:03 PM. I think our host edged you there.

Dick Cheney bested my Spaniard.

With his cock.

Left-handed.

As he refers to it as Cheney-bagging, Dick Cheney has Cheney-bagged every member of the DLC and will continue to do so to new members until they rename and free up the acronym for Dick's Long Cock.

Even Madonna feels it when Cheney fucks her.

After Cheney got through dry-tunneling Helen Thomas, she was heard to remark, "I haven't been fucked like that since Lincoln tried to get that gay rumor dispelled."

Dick Cheney's cock is actually his siamese twin brother. It has psychic powers and answers to the name "Kuato."

Remember Timmy, the kid who always falls in the well?

He doesn't fall.

Dick Cheney pushes him.

This thread is fucking killer. Ace, this is a sweet theme. I was afraid you were gonna go Anka and I'm not even sure who that guy is outside of that recording you found.

Hey! Great site you have here! Agree with everything you say!

Win $100,000 instantly by drawing a royal straight Dick Cheney's cock!

The all-time highest score for Ms. Pac Man was achieved by Dick Cheney while he was drawing up plans to attack Iraq in '91.

Jim Morrison was called aside by Dick Cheney.
"What's this Detroit Girl, numbnuts?"
Soon thereafter we were graced with L.A. Woman, and Morrison died mysteriously. It was rumored that the killer was Slim Pickens, aka Dick Cheney. Yeeehawww!!!

Vinnie Falcone is Dick Cheney's cocks minion.

Dick Cheney actually discovered the process for converting blood into oil while the head of Halliburton. He's kept it under wraps though because "without the killing, it just seems kinda faggy".

Vlad the Impaler was actually kind of a pussy. Bram Stoker based Dracula on Dick Cheney.

Dicky created a gopher with three heads. And in the White House, everyday is Saturday and dinosaurs fight on the TV all day long. Once a staffer mistakenly unplugged it. Dicky wished him into the cornfield.

Quality control people, quality control.

Please read above, where you will find that DC rides Vinnie Falcone, but not in a faggoty way.

I tried to put Dick Cheney on trial once to prove that humanity should be allowed to survive.

Jesus, I'm still shitting blood. Not smart.

Dick Cheney commited high crimes when he illegally sold weapons to the Contras to pay off the Iranians.

Dick Cheney invented Six Sigma as a means of tying up middle management in unending meetings so that actual work can get done.

Dick Cheney invented Six Sigma by blowing his nose while within 100 feet of Tom Peters who was staying in the same hotel as Stephen Covey. You are talking sperm so fertile it can make Io the next Sandals resort.

Dick Cheney discovered a cure for cancer some 40 years ago, but he's kept it to himself all this time, as he puts it, "just for shits and giggles."

Arafat thought he knew the way the White House swings after Oslo and Clinton and all those other political science rejects. Now he knows better.

"Fatah" actually means, "Dear God in Heaven, is that a hammer slicing my way or is that a giant cock?"

"Allow not Dick Cheney to live among you. For he will make a wasteland your lands, as he did his own. Also, he's got a dick the size of the mutants' atomic missile."

Back in the mid-60s, Dick Cheney pretended to be a scout for the Kansas City A's, just so he could fuck with Bill Richardson's head.

Cheney actually started the USFL to, you know, blow some extra scratch he had lying around. He let it go to hell after none of the players could last more than like 3 rounds with him.

Except Steve Young. Who, you know, Cheney still refers to as "Mr. Abs."

Dick Cheney's left testicle's intellect puts that of Toobeano to shame, but then again, his right testicle is actually responsible for devising the theory of relativity, so that is to be expected.

The original classes in Dungeons & Dragons were fighter, cleric, magic-user, thief, and Dick Cheney's Cock.

Dick Cheney's Cock was eliminated before the first printing as being too "unbalanced" and leading to "Monty Haul campaigns."

Quality control people, quality control. ... Please read above, where you will find that DC rides Vinnie Falcone, but not in a faggoty way.

I'm sorry, you're right. I should have mentioned that Dick Cheney bends his minions over and horse-fucks them to prove his dominance from time to time.

By the way, remember those forged TANG documents? They were forged by Dick Cheney's prehensile penis.

Speaking of Monty Haul...

When the (Let's Make a Deal) door is opened revealing nothing inside, there is a 2 in 3 chance that switching doors will unveil Dick Cheney's cock.

What happens when an irresistable force meets an immovable object? The short answer is: Dick Cheney makes them both call him "Daddy."

At an undisclosed location, Daniel was tossed into the 'Lion's Den'. Dick Cheney ate him. Ever since, Mr Cheney cracks Lynne up at the dinner table: "Tastes like Daniel, but not as good as Noah."
Intersestingly, Lynne invariably invokes her mantra: "Oh dick, oh dick, oh dick..."

TS Eliot wrote The Waste Land after a long weekend in Montauk with Dick and Scott and Zelda.

Napoleon was well on his way to winning a land war in Asia until Dick pulled out of the alliance. It is, by the way, no accident that Jospehine left after Dick pulled out.

Pearl Harbor was timed to coincide with Cheney's afternoon nap.

Cheney forced Dick Cline to switch away from the game to Heidi by ripping out a production assistant's heart and showing it to him. He is said to have replied, "Damn it all, damn it all. I cannot do this anymore."

Melville's whale is not an allegorical Jehovah, but an allegorical Cheney phallus. Ahab is, of course, Harry Reid.

Cheney was Deep Throat. AND he was the nightwatchman at the Watergate. Mark Felt was a plant. And now he's gone. Coincidence?

The Eiffel Tower? Object is smaller than it appears.

"Kinda hard to read, evaluate, and rank hundreds of entries, huh?"

Yeah, there's a really good reason I specified that I was not volunteering. I waste too much time during the day as it is.

Dick Cheney, by contrast, does not waste time. He creates time, as well as space, matter and energy.

Time? Space? DC IS time and space.

There is a reason that the kid in Nepal thinks he's Buddha - he's just that close to Cheney. Sometimes things get confused in the meditation and incense.

Isaac Hayes' original lyrics:

Who's the white cat named Dick that's a sex machine with all the chicks?

Cheney!

You're damn right.

Dick Cheney gave Arlen Specter cancer for mouthing off about the whole JFK thing.

After sex, don't count on Dick Cheney to cuddle. Unless by "cuddle" you mean 'bury your corpse.'

Bart:
If I dream about Dick Cheney tonight...

...it means Dick Cheney hates your father.

Dick Cheney founded the Crips in the late seventies to complete his diabolical plan of addicting the inner cities on crack cocaine, thereby supporting the Contras, the Iranian mullahs, and Halliburton, all while amusing himself mightily in the process. But his true genius was pinning the founding of the Crips on a Nobel Peace Prize nominee, a gentle author of children's books named Tookie Wilson, whom Dick Cheney framed for murder and sent to California's death row.

John Bolton used to be a transnational progressive, until one day Dick Cheney sneered at him and said, "Grow a mustache, man!"

Dick Cheney refuses to obey the First Law of Thermodynamics on principle.

Cheny once accused John Wayne of not being patriotic enough, and the subsequent fight killed over 50 million people.
History calls it WWII
Both men had a good laugh after the scuffle.

Dick Cheney sometimes posts here under the name "Toobeano". (snort, giggle)

Creeak

SEE DUB: what was that?

An Ennio Morricone soundtrack begins playing, with lots of Spanish trumpets and eerie whistling.

SEE DUB: That music...

Clip Clop *Splud*, Clip Clop *Splud*

SEE DUB: This does not sound good.

Clip Clop *Splud*, Clip Clop *Splud*, (SPROING) Clip Clop, Clip Clop...

SEE DUB: Oh, that really does not sound good!

Clip Clop, CLIP CLOP

SEE DUB: AHH! VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHENEY!

CHENEY: Say hello to my lil' frenn!

SEE DUB: Aiee!!! I must tell the angels in heaven I never seen evil so singularly personified as I did in the face of the man who killed me! And his name is Dick Cheney!

BANG SPLAM FTOON BDOINKdoinkdoink slusp

SEE DUB: NO Not in the face not in the...GNNG!

Fwap WHAM WHAM VRoompuckpuckapuckabzzzzzzAAAAAARHH!

SEE DUB: Not the saw...I'm sorry Mister Cheney, I'm so IT BURNS IT BURNS OH GOD IT BURNS

*crack* AOOGA AOOGA AOOGAH!

SEE DUB: My teeth! My spine! (SQUEALS in a register so high it makes dogs in Nevada wince.)

bwitch kachink FROOMDOON blortch

SEEDUB: NO! (gasp) MY SOUL!

CHENEY: MWAHAHAHAHA!

FARRAPPGHT FPFWORPFT FFFPFWRAP FRGASH

SEEDUB (weakly): my soul...

CHENEY: You're mine now.

Clip Clop, Clip Clop, Clip Clop *splud*, Clip Clop *splud*

...

...

...

SEEDUB (Through faceful of blood): Mr. Cheney, sir? That was magnificent.

(dies.)

Dick Cheney used his mind control powers to make me forget to sign that long post. Dammit!

Dick Cheney communicates only in 1337-speak

Cheney once killed himself and went to Hell.
Satan sent him back because he couldn't believe how cruel Cheney was.

Dick Cheney is made entirely from an unknown radioactive metal found only in outer space.

Dick Cheney may suddenly accelerate to high speeds.

Do not use Dick Cheney if you are thinking of becoming pregnant. If already pregnant, close vicinty to dick Cheney may result in the gruesomely fatal phenomenon known as 'double -pregnancy'.

Cheney was the one who killed all the first borns in Egypt for Moses

Cheney was the one who pushed Ghengis Khan off his horse.

Cheney was the shooter from the Grassy Knoll

Dick Cheney shot J.R.

Dick Cheney never drinks straight from the carton

Dick Cheney Shot the Sherriff, and then he shot the deputy

Oh, dear god. This thread made The Corner.

Brace yourselves.

Regularly shtups Cokie Roberts in the Green Room at ABC News.

(A running gag at my blog).

Dick Cheney? With him, it's still all about the music.

Dick Cheney is the only important one up on that stage.

Dick Cheney has some integrity.

Dick Cheney was wearing a shirt, all along.

Dick Cheney? You thought, you thought, you thought, you thought a thousand things. Dick Cheney didn't have to think at all.

Dick Cheney doesn't need Vinny Falcone.

There's no loose shit with Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney? He not only knows where Joe is -- he is Joe.

Dick Cheney taught Patrick Swayze to dance. With his penis.

Can Dick Cheney create a rock too big for Dick Cheney to push?

Yes. Yes, he can. punk.

Heh. Love Jonah's warning: "Note: Much R-Ratedness and salty humor."

Sometimes, at night, Dick Cheney still likes to call up John Edwards and ask him to "squeal like a piggy."

.

It's Dick Cheney's world, he just allows us to share his air. So far.

-

Dick Cheney is both an unmovable object and an unstoppable force.

,

This one time, in band camp, Dick Cheney shoved his baritone saxophone up Allyson Hannigan's hoochie - just to loosen her up.

.

Death didn't take a holiday. Dick Cheney had him shipped off to a secret prison in Bulgaria and had him waterboarded.

.

Dick Cheney's Secret Service codename is "Our Lord and Master"

.

It's not nice to try and fool Mother Nature - it's suicide to try and fool Dick Cheney.

.

Dick Cheney can hammer a six-inch spike through a board with his penis. But, guessing from the info posted here, you already knew that.

What you may not know: The final breakthrough in the development of the MOAB (Massive Ordinance Air Blast, or 'Mother of All Bombs') explosives was a few drops of Cheney's urine. At the first live testing, scientists placed bets on whether the earth's atmosphere would burst into flames.

Dick Cheney's tackle was once the Astronomy Picture of the Day.

It took three days to publish the full panorama. And the rover mapping it broke down twice.

The US Capital was originally built with a flat roof. During the Civil War, Lincoln had the dome added, at incredible expense, to aid in the nation's moral.

And to accomodate Dick Cheney's penis.

Still trying to catch up. These are all great! Skinbad - His snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the fuck off." LOFL!

51% of Halliburton stock is owned by Dick Cheney's penis.

Are we getting any repeats yet?

Dick Cheney rose to GOP prominence in the frontier of Wyoming by slaughtering Democratic challengers in a Thunderdome-style ultimate fighting pit near Jackson Hole. He retired from the ring after fish-hooking Tip O'Neil in 1968.

Little known fact: Cheney was the inspiration for Family Guy's Quagmire.

"Hey, George, why don't you appoint Condi as SecState! Giggidy! Giggidy! All right!"

Dick Cheney uses the dentist from the Marathon Man. And tips him afterwards.

.

During the VP Debates, that blinking light wasn't a signal that Dick Cheney's time was almost up - it was a warning to Dick Cheney that he had to leave Earth's atmosphere for a time and become recharged by the Sun's energy.

.

"Something Wicked This Way Comes"?
Written right after Ray Bradbury visited Wyoming.

.

Dick Cheney's DNA samples are stored in the same fridge as the remaining smallpox virus samples. Just to keep them in line.

.

Dick Cheney drinks his beer from pull-tab cans. And puts the tab in the can. Coors runs a special canning line just for him.

.

For the past 32 years during his family's Christmas dinner Dick Cheney has carved and served the turkey pardoned by the President at Thanksgiving .

.

Every morning, Cheney starts his day bytaking a hit off the defibrillater, gargling with crude oil and eating a recently clubbed baby seal for breakfast.

General Zod kneels before Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney screwed Tony Montana's sister right in front of him, and Tony never even mentioned his little friend.

Gallagher and that watermelon smashing thing? He got the idea from watching Dick Cheney explain baseball to his staff.

The famous photo of the flag-raising at Iwo Jima is only a re-enactment because Dick Cheney really raised it. With his penis.

Dick Cheney once made love to Monica Bellucci for so long that right after he finished Melissa Theuriau popped out....fully grown. Cheney then satisfied Melissa three times for dessert.

When Dick Cheney has a heart attack, Al Haig doesn't even think about saying he's in charge.

One winter a little boy asked "Mr. Chainy" if he could shovel his walk. Angered at the common mispronunciation of his name, Dick Cheney backed his SUV repeatedly over the little boy's hands. That little boy grew up to be Ted Rall.

John Wayne had to have a transplanted pig's stomach not because cancer had eaten his old one--no, it was Dick Cheney. And Cheney washed it down with a gallon of scotch--not a fucking wimpy chianti.

Scooter Libby is on crutches because Dick Cheney thought he was looking at him, Cheney, the wrong way. Cheney giggled, shot Libby in the kneecap, and said, "Let's see how well you 'scoot' now."

Dick Cheney started the Iraq war not for oil, but because he realized he could sell light, sweet bone marrow for $120 a barrel. He's already made billions.

Something I heard about why Ace isn't Glen Reynolds' favorite -- Cheney convinced him that Ace spreads the word about Instapundit's tiny Instapenis.

Glen, confident of his unit, laughed this off... until Dick showed him "the Cheney monument." Now Glen only cries.

So, yeah, I guess Cheney made Instapundit dislike Ace... with his penis.

(Ummm... has the "with is penis" thing sailed?)

"Gallagher and that watermelon smashing thing? He got the idea from watching Dick Cheney explain baseball to his staff."

Oh, that's clever, Kronos.

Joe Stalin's stroke? brought on because he realized Cheney was just plain meaner.

Dick Cheney's heart actually requires only one atrium and one ventricle to be functioning at any one time. He can call the others into action at will or if he's angry -- displacement on demand.

Dick Cheney's penis is so big it has an elbow.

In most places where West Texas Intermediate (WTI) crude oil is pumped and sold, it is actually referred to by its more common name, "light, sweet Cheney."

If Michael keeps complaining start a 2nd category, Cheney haiku or bad Cheney poetry.

Cheney = Hitler = Satan

To the words of SpinalTap: We salute you, our half-inflated dark lord.

The seventh - and secret - authorized form of coercive interrogation is to have Dick Cheney stare at you for 30 seconds.

after that, you burst into flames.

The Israelis invented reactive tank armor after stealing blueprints of Lynne Cheney's birth control diaphragm.

Hey Michael, aren't you the guy who wanted to turn this into a contest?

And didn't you nominate me to be the judge?

HA HA HA HAAA HAA HAA

So glad I was away last night.

Dick Cheney has an "enemies list" like Nixon did, except Cheney had his list tattooed on his cornea with a jackhammer and liquified fetuses.

.

Carroll Shelby remarked "You can't beat cubic inches" after seeing Cheney take a shower at the racquetball club.
.

Dick Cheney doesn't go duck hunting. He shoots passenger pigeons, created from DNA extracted from the birds on display at the Smithsonian.

.

On the 7th day, God rested.
Dick Cheney did not.

.

Dick Cheney knows the undisclosed location of Laura Plamer.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, Dick Cheney actually has the bleeding heart of a liberal.

He keeps it in a jar under his desk.

Cheney was born one morning when the sun didn't shine, picked up his shovel and then strip mined a good portion of a federally protected wildlife preserve.

And he once played bass for the Pretenders.

Texas Rangers are instructed that if they ever get into a situation they can't handle, their first backup is Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney taught Chuck Norris how to deliver a proper roundhouse kick, then he nailed him upside the head with one.

The resulting fight started the 1989 San Francisco earthquake.

This Has to be the winner:

His snarl was formed at an early age. While breastfeeding, he'd tell his dad to "Back the fuck off."

Posted by: skinbad on December 1, 2005 05:16 PM

Uses the alias, Lucy Ramirez, to fax documents to Dan Rather.

He's a a Goth icon.

Has to use a Christmas wreath for a cock ring. With extra pine cones.

Cheney has a garage of Xbox 360s. Oh, and Bill Gates hogtied and naked. Noone gets out alive until he sells each 360 for $1000 on ebay.

Dick Cheney's pleasure tube is nicknamed "O Negative." Because it's a universal donor.

Thanks PN. (I swear that wasn't me.)

"O Negative?" I thought it was called "The Widowmaker."

Dick Cheney balances his checkbook using hexadecimal arithmetic.

Dick Cheney nailed Marilyn Monroe, then dumped her to JFK.

Dick Cheney is Mrs. Delion's lament.

Cheney can buttfuck every male reader here.

That fateful evening with Dick back in '79 is the unspoken reason that Maureen Dowd has never married or maintained a successful relationship. As Aaron Sorkin will admit privately, the constant emasculating comparison was what drove him to drug use.

That 67-foot condom that covered The Obelisk of Buenos Aires during World AIDS Day? You guessed it: customized to fit Dick Cheney.

Dick Cheney calls each and every member of the Washington press corps a "cocksucker," but does not do so because of any personal animus--the man just knows.

Just checked Ace's stats. So far, readers from the House.gov and doj.gov domains. No White House readers that I can see.

Yet.

The 1989 San Francisco earthquake was caused when Dick Cheney dropped his penis while shaking it off in the bathroom. He then stopped the quake by fucking the San Andreas fault.

Dick Cheney knows the last and final digit for the number pi, but he ain't telling.

Started the Iraq war because of an ancient prophesy that a "Son of Mesopotamia" would one day rise up and slay him.

Started going by "Dick" at the age of 7 so that his name would be an anagram for "Chick B. Needy".

When travelling through the Midwest, has his advance team lube up the St. Louis Arch.

So she can experience a real man, Demi Moore comes to see him the first and third Saturday evenings of each month.

For the same reason, Ashton Kutcher comes on the 2nd and 4th.

Dick Cheney has masturbated once in his entire life, on the then-little known island of Krakatoa.

The Dick Cheney instant breakfanst: a stick of butter and some salsa

Dick Cheney's Puppy Frappes Recipe:

4 adorable puppies
1 bottle Glenfiddich
1 bottle Jack Daniels
1 bottle tabasco
1 head raw garlic (unpeeled)
2 onions

Put all ingredients in blender. Liquify. Add lemon as garnish, if desired.

I hear Glenn Reynolds loves these.

Vin Diesel gets his superhuman powers by sucking Dick Cheney's cock.

Dick Cheney broke up ABBA by turning Benny and Bjorn into raving homosexuals.

St. John's vision of Dick Cheney as the 5th Horseman was excised from The Apocalypse for being "too damn scary".

Dick Cheney's still beating heart was removed from his chest in 1491, placed in a crystal phylactory and now rests hidden safely in the catacombs beneath the Vatican ensuring is virtual immortality. Dick Cheney's "pacemaker" is actually an artificial heart designed and installed by Leonardo DaVinci.

Dick Cheney is Elvis Presley's real father.

Fezzik is Don Cheney's bitch-boy!

Dick Cheney recorded "The Message" under the pseudonym of "Grandmaster Flash & the Furious Five", paving the way for the explosion of rap music in the 80's. JamMaster Jay knew this, which is why the brutha had to die.

Please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a man of wealth and taste
I’ve been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man’s soul and faith
And I was ’round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name

You've heard of the hand and eye of the arch-lich Vecna? Those are Dick Cheney's leavins'.

Dick Cheney once beat Minnesota Fats at pool, blindfolded and using his penis for a cue.

When the ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future showed up one night at Blair House, Cheney waterboarded the ghost of Christmas past, made the ghost of Christmas future into an Abu Ghraib-style Christmas tree, and shoved Tiny Tim's crutch up the Ghost of Christmas Future's bony ass.

Global warming is because Dick Cheney has got a fever and the only presecription is more cow bell.

After a side-by-side urinal viewing, Alan Greenspan came up with the term "irrational exuberance."

Dick Cheney once sodomized Sigmund Freud for being "so goddamned European." For the rest of his life, everything that Freud looked at reminded him of Dick Cheney's penis.

Seven days after Dick Cheney watched The Ring, the girl in the well begged to be left alone down there.

"Global warming is because Dick Cheney has got a fever and the only presecription is more cow bell."

That's great, Kronos!!

1. Dick Cheney's touch cures scrofula.

2. Dick Cheney was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, imparting to the spider Cheney-like powers.

3. Cheney invaded Russia in the winter and won. With his penis.

4. Dick Cheney killed disco with his bare hands.

5. Dick Cheney eats yellowcake and craps thermobaric warheads. He is technically banned by the Geneva Convention, but nobody has the balls to say so out loud.

6. Little known facts about presidential succession: If Bush is incapacitated, Cheney takes over. If Cheney is incapacitated, his penis takes over. If Cheney's penis is incapacitated -- well, that's just not gonna happen.

After a date with Dick Cheney's penis, Nicole Kidman gushed, "I'm so glad I can wear heels again!"

Cheney was turned down for a concealed carry license for his penis. There is no way possible that it can be concealed.

Back when Dick Cheney was still a junior congressman, a scruffy-looking man came into his office with a suitcase. “Just give me five minutes of your time,” the man told Cheney. “I’ve got an act here that you’re not going to believe.” He opened the suitcase, and out hopped a tiny little man, no more than a foot tall. The scruffy-looking man then reached into the suitcase and took out a tiny piano and bench.

The tiny man sat down at the piano and began to play Billy Joel’s “Summer, Highland Falls.” He had only played a few bars of the song when Dick Cheney’s penis crawled out from under the desk, pounced on him and ate him. The penis then sat down at the piano and flawlessly executed three Chopin mazurkas, after which it smashed the tiny piano to bits, savagely beat the scruffy-looking man, and chased him out of the office and down the stairs.

Cheney ate Jimmy Hoffa and crapped Monica Bellucci.

Thanks Utron, for the piano joke and Sigmund Freud.

Every friday night, the Cheney family gets together and plays Naked Arab Jenga. Naturally, Dick Cheney's penis always wins.

Cheney is only person in recorded history to be both a "shower" and a "grower."

Cheney eats glass and craps...glass.

He could change it to diamonds if he wanted, but passing the jagged shards is a "good pick-me-up" first thing in the morning.

cheney tore off his own leg at the hip just to make his pants fit right. when he wears high-waters, you get a glimpse of some of the democrats names he's had branded on his penis after he's through with them.

Moonbats call Dick Cheney 'Honey Bee' due to the fact that he has a barbed penis and when he pulls it out of liberals, their entire ass comes off with it.

When facing an enemy, Dick Cheney always uses the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique -

With his penis.

1. Cheney refuses to wait for his heart to attack him . . . has spent years planning a pre-emptive strike.

2. Cheney planned, months ago, for the nomination of Harriet Myers as well as her inevitable withdrawal--just to see if he could pull it off. Bored with his job, Cheney now gets his kicks from actually making Bush screw-up. Bush knows this, but is afraid to set off Cheney's legendary temper --he remembers Rwanda.

3. Cheney once suggested to Rove replacing the term "compassionate conservative" with "desperately evil conservative--what's it to you?"

Dick Cheney's only weakness is love.

Cheney’s penis isn’t that big. I want all of the women here to know that the “grotesquely huge penis thing” is a myth.

(Psst. Cheney’s penis is right behind me, making me type this. Call 911.)

Like God, you must spell Penis with a capital P when refering to Dick's Penis, as commanded by Dick's Penis

Just copied this thread into a Word document. It's 50 pages.

Performs weekly open heart surgery on himself, using Milwaukee Sawz-All and soldering iron. Takes Ecstasy beforehand to intensify sensory awareness.

Pacemaker: Vertex magneto from "Big Daddy" Don Garlits' Swamp Rat III top fueler.

At the 1957 Cheyenne Frontier Days Rodeo bull riding finals, killed 6 cowboys -- earning him the nickname "Widowmaker."

Lesbian daughter: side effect of superconcentrated he-man baby batter.

14 Month later, still finding chunks of John Edwards in stool.

After their first date, former majorette Lynn Cheney immediately lost all interest in batons.

Under Americans With Disabilities Act, Halliburton forced to install 2-story urinals in executive washroom to accommodate "Dick Jr."

Dick Cheney slices like a f*cking hammer.

With his penis.

For the past 32 years during his family's Christmas dinner Dick Cheney has carved and served the turkey pardoned by the President at Thanksgiving .

... Without killing it first. Each year he forces the Democrat who's most badly pissed him off to watch cheney swallow the bird's still-beating heart whole. Then for the rest of the year, his nickname for that Democrat is "Turkey Boy".

Rumsfeld heard Cheney had a tattoo that said "Wendy" on his penis. Wanting to impress, Rumsfeld got one to. Soon after, in the men's room, Rumsfeld showed what he'd done. Cheney laughed and said: "I got mine after a Caribbean cruise bender. It actually says 'Welcome to Jamaica. Have a nice day'."

.

The first thing Anne Sullivan spelled into Helen Keller's hand - 'Cheney'

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The second thing she wrote: "hasaHugeCock'

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Owns a Toyota Prius modified to accept a Chevy V8.

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During breakfast, smashed a half-grapefruit in Jimmy Cagney's face.

.

During breakfast, smashed a half-grapefruit in Jimmy Cagney's face.

As a youth, angrily denounced Pol Pot for "just phoning it in, sometimes."

Yeah, the penis thing sailed a looooooong time ago people.

Dick Cheney is what Willis was talking 'bout.

These are priceless...

Toughest part of George Bush's job - convincing Cheney to give better justification in meetings with foreign dignitaries than "Because that's just the fuckin' way I want it."

Second toughest part of GWB's job - convincing Cheney that "going commando" scares the ladies.

Dick Cheney once caused an entire pod of Sperm whales to beach themselves out of jealousy after witnessing him skinny dipping with Mama Cass.

Cheney manicures the short-and-curlies around his penis...with a roto-tiller.

Rumor has it that a cheese grater is one of the implements used to warm him up during foreplay.

And by the way, it's a little known fact that this Nostradamus quatrain

X 75

A horse-like man, the king he’ll rule
to take black gold in eastern soil
A name of chayne, fooler of fools
Anti-Christ to hats of foyle

is one of the only ones that has a title...
HolyburtonchimpybuschHister

Has a bad heart from that time he challenged a steam drill to a race through a mountainside. He won, and then smashed the drill... with his penis.

Dick Cheney fell just one vote shy in his campaign to change New Mexico's state motto from "Land of Enchantment" to "Sit On My Face And Yodel."

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Dick Cheney keeps his friends close - they help Dick stack his enemies like cord wood behind the shed.

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The only thing that got between Brooke Shields and her Calvins - Dick Cheney's Penis.

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If stand in front of a mirror and say "Dick Cheney" three times with your eyes closed - his penis springs out and will knock you unconscious.

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Doctors turn their head when Dick Cheney coughs.

.

A little known fact about Washington DC. When Dick Cheney is in town, the petty crime rate within a 1 mile radius of the Vice Presidential mansion goes to zero, but the incidence of unsolved beating murders goes through the roof.

Secret Service code name: Steam Shovel.

John Hinkley was aiming at Cheney. He'd heard rumors about Jodie Foster and the infamous Cheney Penis.

Anyway the shot was blocked by the diamond-hard Penis, and ricochetted off and hit Reagan. The two logical outcomes of this event were that Cheney's penis was actually the acting SecDef during Bush 1, and the development of the Patriot Missile system using a modified version of the tracking software in Cheney's Penis.

Okay, one more . . .

Dick Cheney once cut off his own head and shoved it up Chris Mathew's ass just so he could tell Chris face to face what a twat he is.

When Dick Cheney is underwater, he doesn't get wet. The water gets "Cheney."

DC skull-fucked Al Franken so hard his dead grandfather had a migraine for a month. He then tore of Franken's ears and shoved them up his ass so he could hear his own flatulating commentary.

True fact,
President bush refuses to invite Dick Cheney to his ranch, because the site of the vice presidents huge, jaw-breaking love sausage causes all of the bulls to faint in terror at the sheer size of it.

Once, terrified by the unholy power his cock so casually wielded, Dick Cheney tried to cut it off. ABC aired the footage of the resulting conflict, calling it The Day After.

Conan: What gods do you pray to?
Subotai: I pray to the four winds... and you?
Conan: To Crom... but I seldom pray to him, he doesn't listen.
Subotai: [chuckles] What good is he then? Ah, it's just as I've always said.
Conan: He is strong! If I die, I have to go before him, and he will ask me, "What is the riddle of steel?" If I don't know it, he will cast me out of Valhalla and laugh at me. That's Crom, strong on his mountain!
Subotai: Ah, my god is greater.
Conan: [chuckles] Crom laughs at your four winds. He laughs from his mountain.
Subotai: My god is stronger. He is DICK CHENEY! Your god lives underneath him.
[Conan shoots Subotai a skeptical look. Subotai laughs]

Once, as a practical joke, Cheney brought swords into the Senate chamber and re-enacted the "are you not entertained?" scene from Gladiator.

The Capitol architects have installed a floor drain just in case it happens again.

After killing then sodomizing the corpses of the entire Columbian Drug Cartel and snorting every last spec of cocaine, a ravenous Dick Cheney headed for the river where he nicked his pecker, dangled his man meat in the water, then proceeded to catch and eat raw an entire school of pirana and one giant anaconda that thought it was in love.

Mount Saint Helens isn't erupting again. Cheney just needs an outlet ....

The nearly five-year-old high score on the White House stand-up unit of Galaga is credited to "RBC."

Dick Cheney is so evil and bold, he actually believes that when John Kerry, Pelosi, Murtha and other Democrats say that our position in Iraq is untenable, he believes that they are saying those defeatist things solely for political reasons.

let that sink in.

Cheney thinks that Dowd is also a major league asshole.

Koko the gorilla is now suing Cheney for sexual harassment. And all Cheney did was leave his musk near her cage.

After brutally ass raping a grateful John Murtha, VP Cheney wiped his veined viper on the curtains, drank some orange juice, then topped off the carton with piss prior to leaving for the White House this morning.

Dick Cheney made Harriet Miers climax by unbuckling her watch.

Dick Cheney fucked Sandy Berger without the common decency of a reach around. As a side note, this why Dick Cheney's cock smells like top secret documents.

Dick Cheney coded the engine that drives the comments section of Ace of Spades...with his penis.

Handel inspired to compose the Messiah after watching Cheney on a week-long bender with forty whores, 3 hogsheads of best bitter, one of whiskey, and 3 dozen suckling pigs.

Dick Cheney's penis erased my signature from my last post.

He ate the whores and sodomized the pigs.

Dick Cheney questioned your patriotism.

Dick Cheney killed both, 2Pac Shakur and the Notorius B.I.G. just because he was reminiscing over Kid N Play.

In response to his Energy Commission's findings in 2001, Cheney has actually turned every member of ELF, GreenPeace, and the Sierra Club into West Texas Crude.

It has been confirmed that John Wayne was actually Dick Cheney's undescended testicle.

Cheney, not Werner von Braun is the father of modern rocketry.

Dick Cheney's junk was the original model for the Saturn Rocket program; the space shuttle program was launched because radio-astronomers couldn't bear the shrieks made by the universe every time a Saturn rocket penetrated the troposphere.

Cheney never apologized to Michael Hutchins for being such a poor spotter.

Dick Cheney sits at God's right hand, while Dick Cheney's cock sits in His left, 17'34" away.

Cheney uses his liver as an oil refinery on weekends. Ever since Katrina, he has been refined over 10 million barrels of oil into high octane gasoline.

The White House and Texaco will not comment when asked about reports of nearly 2 million women becoming inseminated while driving cars using Cheney Liver Gas. But a recent ultrasound confirms that the fetus "seems to be sharing the womb with either a garden hose or one of those snakes that pop out of those novelty nut cans."

DC residents have reported a deep rumbling on October 23rd at 12 noon, which apparently sounded like "my boys can swim!"

I recognized Cheney's foul stench when I was brought on board.

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For every particle, there is an anti-particle. When a particle and an anti-particle meet, they annihiliate each other and release a prodigious amount of energy. Dick Cheney is composed entirely of anti-particles, which is why his turds were used to bomb Saddam's hideouts during the invasion of Iraq.

The Air Force keeps a warehouse full of Cheney poop warehoused at a secret site in Nevada. The U.N. opposes the use of Cheney poop as a munition, calling it "unbearably cruel".

---------------------------

Les Paul stole the idea for the design of his guitar from Dick Cheney. Cheney refrained from eating him because he liked Les Paul's chops. Cheney settled for Les Paul's soul and a cut of the gate for any concert where a Les Paul guitar is used.

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Hannibal drove his elephants over the alps to attack the Romans at Trebbia. Unbeknownst to Hannibal, Dick Cheney was leading the Roman legions; he killed all of the elephants with his bare hands and ate them raw.

Saw a garden, overrun with weeds. I said, not me.
Through Spring I smothered and plucked them.
In Summer my garden was blooming brilliant.
But in the slumberous warmth the weeds got ahead of me.
Have I got the will, in this heat? Oh, let them go to seed
And sleep with me under the snow
Chancing some Spring awakening!
And also chancing a serious dicking by Dick Cheney.

DCs gigantic, bowel-crushing, vagina mutilating, jaw-breaking trowser monsterhas so much mass, not even light can escape it's gravitational pull. So from now on I will simply refer to it as that BIG BLACK DICK.

that was not me!

CUT THE SHIT

Sorry, Laura, that was me.

It is commonly (but mistakenly) believed that Dick Cheney has a bumper sticker on his Miata that reads "I heart Evil".

He does have the bumper sticker, but that's not a Miata -- that's his dong.

Dick Cheney actually was at my house for dinner the other night, for a Southern, home-cooked meal of pinto beans, cornbread and sweet tea. As the gasses in his stomach started to build up, as they are wont to do, he couldn't help but leak some out. Except they didn't just leak. He blew out all the windows in my house. He chuckled at this, as well.

Cheney gave R. Kelly a Cleveland Steamer and R. has not been right since.

When Dick Cheney wants to send a memo to a member of his staff, he attaches the memo to his member, or if you please, his staff, and rams it so far home, that it ends up on the back side of the recipients retinas.

And then they share a cigarette.

That's why Scooter Libby stutters under oath.

Dick Cheney once logged on the AOS and beat a dead horse so badly, it died again!

OK, everyone over to the other thread!

When Dick Cheney shaves in the morning he has to hold a loaded .44 to his head to keep from cutting his own throat.

The Washington Monument is a concrete cast mold of Dick Cheney's penis.

1) He can out-mean the world's biggest bitch, Tanya Rodham Bobbit

2) Jimi Hendrix's biographer reveals that Hendrix wrote the lyric, "well I stand up next to a mountain, chop it down with the edge of my hand" after a mescaline-laced trip to the Rockies with Cheney, and that the original lyric was changed to "hand" by record label censors.

Cheney's spit and sperm have been combined to make a powerful new super glue. Partnering with 3M, this product will be mass marketed in 2006 as the SUPER GLUE FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM. Patent Pending.

In case you missed it, because this thing’s gotten so long, we’ve moved the action to a newer post for more facts bout Dick Cheney Here.

Also, cause it’s in a part a contest, and to get a handle on the REALLY good ones, we’ve created a 'Best Of' post here to cut and paste your favorite Cheney fact from either this thread or the new one above.

(Try to avoid a repeat and remember to include the poster’s name. )

. . . remember to include the poster’s name.

Yeah, because after Ace has collected them he will be forwarding them to the Whitehouse. Without a name the FBI and Secret Service will have a hard time tracking the posters down.

Dick Cheney is the reason why Tammy Faye Bakker looks like, well, like Tammy Faye Bakker.

It's true gunpowder was discovered in the Far East, but it was only when Dick Cheney took the hearts of 1,000 chinamen and ground them into a fine powder that it was discovered.

Dick Cheney's dick is so small that he pisses on his balls which are the size of mosquitos.

The name of our 19th president used to be used as slang for "penis," until Dick Cheney set the new standard... and because "rutherford-head" was too awkward to say.

Keeps a concealed garrotte in his wristwatch, a la James Bond. (Rumsfeld's got one, too.)

Even Brian Boitano asks," What would Dick Cheney do?"

Little known movie triva;
It was actually dick jr. doing a cameo appearance, and not cg that produced the cool "water alien effect" in "The Abyss"

The Repository for Germinal Choice in Escondido, California (AKA “The Genius Sperm Bank) had to close down operations recently when a vat of Dick Cheney’s sperm, the result of a single donation, ate through the cryogenic container and melted the entire facility.

Dick Cheney uses little weeny liberal pussies like John for toothpicks.

Dick Cheney laughs at decaffeinated coffee.

When Clinton nailed Monica with a cigar, Cheney grinned and said, "Is that all you got?"

Dick Cheney challenged the Harlem Globetrotters to a game of street ball and won. He then impregnated all of their wives and took away their welfare.

Dick Cheney is calmer than you are.

Dick Cheney has a private army of trained squirrel monkeys that viciously attack Cheney's enemies with a combination of teabaggings & Dirty sanchezssss. They can also sing the entire song catalog of the Wu tang clan.

Dick Cheney begins to smoulder whenever he enters a church.

Satan sold his soul to Dick Cheney in exchange for infernal power.

Dick Cheney periodically visits graveyards around the country, using his mastery of the black arts to raise legions of zombies to do his every bidding. (This made the difference in delivering Ohio for Bush in 2004.)

Every morning Dick Cheney checks his sperm count with a Geiger counter. If it's too low he downs a cocktail of yellow cake, liquified asphalt and mercury. His sperm cells can penetrate Maureen Dowd's petrified eggs from 500 meters.

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i hate you i dont think wat you aree doiing is rite for the country i wish thT ALGORE would of won yuo asshole