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November 15, 2005

CSI: McDonald's

This parody plays off the article Hoax Call to McDonald's Results in Forced Nudity and Forced Sodomy.

As you can imagine, there's a Strong Content Warning.

SCENE: Early morning in Las Vegas. A McDonald's restaurant shows BULLET DAMAGE in its windows and fascade as GRISSOM, STOKES, WARRICK, WILLOWS, GREG, and SARAH approach it.

Various beatcops mill around. DETECTIVE BRASS addresses GRISSOM.

BRASS: Looks like an armed robbery gone bad. Three swing-shift employees are dead. They ripped the safe out from the floor and took it with them. Probably going to drop it out of a high window... that's the amateur way of cracking a safe.

GRISSOM: Probably not an inside job. Someone on the inside would have had the combination.

BRASS: That's what I'm thinking. The vics were killed behind the register, but they were dragged back to the refrigerator. Their bodies are partly frozen, putting the time of death at sometime between midnight and two last night.

GRISSOM: Good. I'm going to want a thermometer in those bodies to get a more definitive T-O-D. Also, I'm going to want you to get on your knees and suck my hog.

BRASS: What?

GRISSOM (unzipping shorts): We're losing precious minutes, Brass. Kneel down and give me a wettie.


GRISSOM: I have to eliminate you as a suspect. It's protocol.

BRASS: Well, if it's protocol.... (he begins schlorping Grissom's manhorn)

WARRICK: Stokes and I will process the cooler. Figure Sarah, Greg, and Catherine can take the scene of the murder.

GRISSOM: Sounds good. I'll just be here, gettting sucked off by a 60 year old heterosexual man. (he grips Brass by the back of the head) Work the evidence, Brass.

BRASS: Mmmphhnmmbb.

GRISSOM: That's right. Work it. (dramatically, as we approach the scene-cut:) We speak for the dead.


SCENE: A large refrigerator's doors are open. Stokes examines the ground for shell casings as Warrick snaps pictures of the locations of the spent casings. His high-end camera snaps pictures with a HIGH PITCHED WHINE.

STOKES (on knees, marking casing with numbered-card): Looks like forty-fives. A lot of them. We may be looking for a machine-gun.

WARRICK: Could you move a little?

STOKES: Am I in your shot?

WARRICK: Not enough, actually. Can you stick your ass up in the air and sort of turn around with your face and give me a sex-kitten-y kinda look?

STOKES: Don't kid around.

WARRICK: No, I'm serious, you've got an absolutely spectacular manpooter.

STOKES: (blushing) Really? This old thing...?

WARRICK (clicks a picture): No doubt, no doubt. Now arch your back and really give me the buttsteak.

STOKES: Well, I can't say I'm not flattered, but shouldn't we start processing the corpses?

WARRICK: They're not getting any deader. Now pull your pants down to your ankles and start spanking yourself.

STOKES: I don't see why--

WARRICK: I have to eliminate you as a suspect.

STOKES: Well that makes sense. Maybe I should rub this Hot Apple Pie all over my ass while I'm at it?

WARRICK: Good thinking. It'll help me, uhhh, calibrate the f-stop. Or something.

STOKES (spanking himself, smearing sugary sauce on his buttocks): Warrick... these kids are only 16, 17 at most. What kind of monster would do something like this?

WARRICK: I don't need that kind of bad energy in my shoot. Now look fierce! Fiercer! Move your ass around so the light catches on the apple-pie filling!


SCENE: Sarah Sidle and Catherine Willows snap pictures of blood pools as Greg watches them.

GREG: Mid-velocity spatter. All this blood came from the vics. I don't think we're going to find any perp DNA here.

WILLOWS: There's a void over there, Greg. Why don't you see if you can figure out what might have blocked the blood-splatter?

GREG: That's a good idea. Here's a better idea. Why don't you and Sarah strip down to your panties and start boxing each other. Full contact, no holds barred. Feel free to smack each other in the poonanis while you're at it.

SARAH: Greg, I don't see what scientific purpose that serves.

GREG: I have to eliminate you as suspects.

Sarah and Willows exchange looks, then shrug. They strip down to their skivvies and begin kicking each other in the ovaries.

GREG: Oh yeahhh... oh yeahh... keep on keepin' on... I've almost eliminated you now.

Willows grabs Sarah by the hair.

GREG: Smother her in your breasts.


GREG: Protocols.

Willows shrugs and forces Sarah's head between her patently artificial breasts.

GREG: Yeahh... yeahh... ooohhhh... Okay, you're both eliminated as suspects.

WILLOWS: (panting) Can we put our clothes back on?

GREG: Nah, keep them off. I don't want the scene contaminated any further.

GRISSOM and BRASS walk in. Grissom looks very relaxed; Brass, not so much.

WILLOWS: Anything to report, Gris?

GRISSOM: Yes. A cryptic literary quote to show how scary-smart I am: "The thing is not what it is, but only what it signifies."

WILLOWS: What does that mean?

GRISSOM: No idea. I'm still buzzed from that hummer Brass gave me. He's got a mouth like fine velvet after a warm rain.
Well the motive might not have been entirely financial. Semen sample on the cash register.

GREG: Uhhh actually, that's my bad, Boss.

GRISSOM: Well it does confuse the crime scene. (unzipping his pants)

GREG (getting to his knees): You have to eliminate me as a suspect, I guess?

GRISSOM: Yes, but I'll need you to turn around, face the other way.

GREG: ....

GRISSOM: It's a very cutting-edge technique. I just read about this in the American Journal of Forensics. Or Screw magazine. I forget. They're both considered the bibles of modern criminalistics.

Greg reluctantly begins taking down his pants. Grissom grabs him by the hips.

GRISSOM: Don't move so much, kid. You ain't a bronco and I'm not John Travolta. After all: We speak for the dead.

(BUZZ-OUT sound effect, end scene)


posted by Ace at 07:50 PM

That was f'n funny. One of your best.

Grissom's second to last line should be "It's very cutting-edge " instead of "It's a very cutting-edge".

Posted by: Johnny&Betsy on November 15, 2005 08:41 PM

Well, at least it didn't involve female minors.

Posted by: on November 15, 2005 08:42 PM

A little obvious, but still funny.

Posted by: Dianna on November 15, 2005 08:52 PM

Yeahhh... the premise is solid, but I had trouble coming up with anything really surprising.

I'm usually good with coming up with over-the-top sexual scenarios, but I think I've done them all. I'm all tapped out.

Posted by: ace on November 15, 2005 08:54 PM

but I think I've done them all

I believe you mean you've written about them all.

Posted by: sandy burger on November 15, 2005 08:58 PM

No, Ace had it right. He's done them all.

I've eliminated him as a suspect.

Posted by: Hoodlumman on November 15, 2005 09:03 PM

There's something very wrong with you Ace. I'm torn between a need to dimestore psycho-analyze you and quit you altogether.

Apple pie on a man's butt??!? HELLOOOO!? Could you be more disgusting?

Anyone with half a brain and a smidgeon of morality knows there's a soft-serve ice cream machine in every MacDonalds.

It should have been cold, melting ice cream sundae with chopped peanuts smeared on that tender, photogenic man-crack.

Jesus George Dubya Boutros-boutros Christ hitchhiking to Memphis wearing parachute pants in the rain.

You. Make. Me. SICK.

Posted by: lauraw on November 15, 2005 09:06 PM

You have some serious issues dude.

Posted by: Beck on November 15, 2005 09:09 PM

How can anyone top the Dirty Adolph? Or the Avocado in the Backpack? When it comes to perversions, Ace is tops!

Posted by: on November 15, 2005 09:12 PM
Posted by: Johnny&Betsy on November 15, 2005 09:17 PM

It should have been cold, melting ice cream sundae with chopped peanuts smeared on that tender, photogenic man-crack.

Is that like an ice cream sandwich?

Posted by: on November 15, 2005 10:27 PM

I don't know what to say, Ace, especially as your hyper-sensitive obscenity filter won't let me write down the name of that very capable Homicide detective you traduced in your parody. Maybe you could replace "Close it up" at the end with "Zip it up."

Posted by: Wanda on November 15, 2005 10:28 PM

but I think I've done them all. I'm all tapped out

taking comments out of context is fun!

Posted by: Dave in Texas on November 15, 2005 10:58 PM

I perfect topping to that afternoon of church school. This is why conservatives will rule the world. We can think both outside the box and inside the box, often at the same time.

Posted by: JackStraw on November 16, 2005 12:00 AM

that was 3/4 the gayest thing i've ever read

Posted by: spaz on November 16, 2005 12:01 AM

Karol: OK, we'll be taking listener calls now.
Ace: This is Hoist the Black Flag, and you're on the air. Now, what is it you'd like to-
Caller: Strip him.
Ace: What?
Caller: Not you, thief. Excuse me, ma'am?
Karol: ...Yes?
Caller: Ma'am, this is officer David Stewart of the, uh, local police department. That man I just spoke to, uh...
Karol: You mean Ace?
Caller: Yes, even the name matches. He's our guy. Ma'am, we've just received a report that Ace has stolen the cell phone of another blogger, and I'm going to have to ask you to detain and strip-search him. This is a matter of extreme urgency.
Ace: Uh...
Karol: Uh...
Caller: Ma'am, this is a direct order from an officer of the law. Our deputy is on his way to detain Ace. While he's en route, it's a matter of national security that you strip search him.
Ace: You don't have to tell me twice.
Karol: Ace, put that back on, now!
Caller: Now, ma'am, I need you to frisk him.
Ace: Don't forget the taint.
Karol: Damnit, Ace, put that away right now!
Caller: Ma'am, I'm-
Ace: Maybe I hid the stolen goods Romanian style, if you know what I'm saying.
Karol: No, Ace, noooooooo!!!!!
Caller: Hello? Hello?

Posted by: sandy burger on November 16, 2005 12:05 AM

OMG, that's my new "line":
I'm going to have to eliminate you as a suspect.

And when she says "Whaaaa?"

I'll just say, "Guilty conscience, beeyatch? Now get on it! I speak for the dead."

Posted by: Bart on November 16, 2005 12:51 AM


Yes, Ace of Spades HQ is a fine place to learn pick-up lines. I usually start with "I'm not Ace", and then move on from there, but that's just me.

(What? This isn't a flame war thread? Damn, I did it again. Sorry, I forgot. Won't happen again.)

Posted by: sandy burger on November 16, 2005 12:59 AM

I'll just say, "Guilty conscience, beeyatch? Now get on it! I speak for the dead."

You're killin' me!

Posted by: Michael on November 16, 2005 01:40 AM

Well, it isn't hard to tell from these comments exactly which of you are GETTING OFF ON THIS!

Posted by: ; on November 16, 2005 06:32 PM

Geoff has me a on a wild goose chase. In my travels, I ran across this oldie but goodie. Did Ace include this one in the greatest hit jobs?

Well, anyway, it didn't get the attention it deserved. Then again, maybe we blew our nuts on the real McDonalds/stupid people thread.

Posted by: Bart on January 14, 2006 06:38 PM
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