Intermarkets' Privacy Policy Support
Donate to Ace of Spades HQ! Contact
Ace:aceofspadeshq at gee mail.com Buck: buck.throckmorton at protonmail.com CBD: cbd at cutjibnewsletter.com joe mannix: mannix2024 at proton.me MisHum: petmorons at gee mail.com J.J. Sefton: sefton at cutjibnewsletter.com Recent Entries
Sunday Overnight Open Thread - June 29, 2025 [Doof]
Gun Thread: End O' June Edition! Food Thread: What A Croque! First World Problems... The Hyperemotional Left VS. The More Rational Right Sunday Morning Book Thread - 6-29-2025 ["Perfessor" Squirrel] Daily Tech News 29 June 2025 Saturday Night "Club ONT" June 28, 2025 [The 3 Ds] Saturday Evening Movie Thread - 6/28/2025 Hobby Thread - June 28, 2025 [TRex] Absent Friends
Jay Guevara 2025
Jim Sunk New Dawn 2025 Jewells45 2025 Bandersnatch 2024 GnuBreed 2024 Captain Hate 2023 moon_over_vermont 2023 westminsterdogshow 2023 Ann Wilson(Empire1) 2022 Dave In Texas 2022 Jesse in D.C. 2022 OregonMuse 2022 redc1c4 2021 Tami 2021 Chavez the Hugo 2020 Ibguy 2020 Rickl 2019 Joffen 2014 AoSHQ Writers Group
A site for members of the Horde to post their stories seeking beta readers, editing help, brainstorming, and story ideas. Also to share links to potential publishing outlets, writing help sites, and videos posting tips to get published.
Contact OrangeEnt for info:
maildrop62 at proton dot me Cutting The Cord And Email Security
Moron Meet-Ups
|
« Al Gore: The Most Serious Threat We Face Is... (Wait for It...) Global Warming |
Main
| GOP Video: Dems On Saddam's WMD's »
November 15, 2005
CSI: McDonald'sThis parody plays off the article Hoax Call to McDonald's Results in Forced Nudity and Forced Sodomy. As you can imagine, there's a Strong Content Warning. SCENE: Early morning in Las Vegas. A McDonald's restaurant shows BULLET DAMAGE in its windows and fascade as GRISSOM, STOKES, WARRICK, WILLOWS, GREG, and SARAH approach it. Various beatcops mill around. DETECTIVE BRASS addresses GRISSOM. BRASS: Looks like an armed robbery gone bad. Three swing-shift employees are dead. They ripped the safe out from the floor and took it with them. Probably going to drop it out of a high window... that's the amateur way of cracking a safe. GRISSOM: Probably not an inside job. Someone on the inside would have had the combination. BRASS: That's what I'm thinking. The vics were killed behind the register, but they were dragged back to the refrigerator. Their bodies are partly frozen, putting the time of death at sometime between midnight and two last night. GRISSOM: Good. I'm going to want a thermometer in those bodies to get a more definitive T-O-D. Also, I'm going to want you to get on your knees and suck my hog. BRASS: What? GRISSOM (unzipping shorts): We're losing precious minutes, Brass. Kneel down and give me a wettie. BRASS: Why? GRISSOM: I have to eliminate you as a suspect. It's protocol. BRASS: Well, if it's protocol.... (he begins schlorping Grissom's manhorn) WARRICK: Stokes and I will process the cooler. Figure Sarah, Greg, and Catherine can take the scene of the murder. GRISSOM: Sounds good. I'll just be here, gettting sucked off by a 60 year old heterosexual man. (he grips Brass by the back of the head) Work the evidence, Brass. BRASS: Mmmphhnmmbb. GRISSOM: That's right. Work it. (dramatically, as we approach the scene-cut:) We speak for the dead. ...
STOKES (on knees, marking casing with numbered-card): Looks like forty-fives. A lot of them. We may be looking for a machine-gun. WARRICK: Could you move a little? STOKES: Am I in your shot? WARRICK: Not enough, actually. Can you stick your ass up in the air and sort of turn around with your face and give me a sex-kitten-y kinda look? STOKES: Don't kid around. WARRICK: No, I'm serious, you've got an absolutely spectacular manpooter. STOKES: (blushing) Really? This old thing...? WARRICK (clicks a picture): No doubt, no doubt. Now arch your back and really give me the buttsteak. STOKES: Well, I can't say I'm not flattered, but shouldn't we start processing the corpses? WARRICK: They're not getting any deader. Now pull your pants down to your ankles and start spanking yourself. STOKES: I don't see why-- WARRICK: I have to eliminate you as a suspect. STOKES: Well that makes sense. Maybe I should rub this Hot Apple Pie all over my ass while I'm at it? WARRICK: Good thinking. It'll help me, uhhh, calibrate the f-stop. Or something. STOKES (spanking himself, smearing sugary sauce on his buttocks): Warrick... these kids are only 16, 17 at most. What kind of monster would do something like this? WARRICK: I don't need that kind of bad energy in my shoot. Now look fierce! Fiercer! Move your ass around so the light catches on the apple-pie filling! ... SCENE: Sarah Sidle and Catherine Willows snap pictures of blood pools as Greg watches them. GREG: Mid-velocity spatter. All this blood came from the vics. I don't think we're going to find any perp DNA here. WILLOWS: There's a void over there, Greg. Why don't you see if you can figure out what might have blocked the blood-splatter? GREG: That's a good idea. Here's a better idea. Why don't you and Sarah strip down to your panties and start boxing each other. Full contact, no holds barred. Feel free to smack each other in the poonanis while you're at it. SARAH: Greg, I don't see what scientific purpose that serves. GREG: I have to eliminate you as suspects. Sarah and Willows exchange looks, then shrug. They strip down to their skivvies and begin kicking each other in the ovaries. GREG: Oh yeahhh... oh yeahh... keep on keepin' on... I've almost eliminated you now. Willows grabs Sarah by the hair. GREG: Smother her in your breasts. WILLOWS: What? GREG: Protocols. Willows shrugs and forces Sarah's head between her patently artificial breasts. GREG: Yeahh... yeahh... ooohhhh... Okay, you're both eliminated as suspects. WILLOWS: (panting) Can we put our clothes back on? GREG: Nah, keep them off. I don't want the scene contaminated any further. GRISSOM and BRASS walk in. Grissom looks very relaxed; Brass, not so much. WILLOWS: Anything to report, Gris? GRISSOM: Yes. A cryptic literary quote to show how scary-smart I am: "The thing is not what it is, but only what it signifies." WILLOWS: What does that mean? GRISSOM: No idea. I'm still buzzed from that hummer Brass gave me. He's got a mouth like fine velvet after a warm rain. GREG: Uhhh actually, that's my bad, Boss. GRISSOM: Well it does confuse the crime scene. (unzipping his pants) GREG (getting to his knees): You have to eliminate me as a suspect, I guess? GRISSOM: Yes, but I'll need you to turn around, face the other way. GREG: .... GRISSOM: It's a very cutting-edge technique. I just read about this in the American Journal of Forensics. Or Screw magazine. I forget. They're both considered the bibles of modern criminalistics. Greg reluctantly begins taking down his pants. Grissom grabs him by the hips. GRISSOM: Don't move so much, kid. You ain't a bronco and I'm not John Travolta. After all: We speak for the dead. (BUZZ-OUT sound effect, end scene) fin
posted by Ace at 07:50 PM
CommentsThat was f'n funny. One of your best. Grissom's second to last line should be "It's very cutting-edge " instead of "It's a very cutting-edge". Posted by: Johnny&Betsy on November 15, 2005 08:41 PM
Well, at least it didn't involve female minors. Posted by: on November 15, 2005 08:42 PM
A little obvious, but still funny. Posted by: Dianna on November 15, 2005 08:52 PM
Yeahhh... the premise is solid, but I had trouble coming up with anything really surprising. I'm usually good with coming up with over-the-top sexual scenarios, but I think I've done them all. I'm all tapped out. Posted by: ace on November 15, 2005 08:54 PM
but I think I've done them all I believe you mean you've written about them all. Posted by: sandy burger on November 15, 2005 08:58 PM
No, Ace had it right. He's done them all. I've eliminated him as a suspect. Posted by: Hoodlumman on November 15, 2005 09:03 PM
There's something very wrong with you Ace. I'm torn between a need to dimestore psycho-analyze you and quit you altogether. Apple pie on a man's butt??!? HELLOOOO!? Could you be more disgusting? Anyone with half a brain and a smidgeon of morality knows there's a soft-serve ice cream machine in every MacDonalds. It should have been cold, melting ice cream sundae with chopped peanuts smeared on that tender, photogenic man-crack. Jesus George Dubya Boutros-boutros Christ hitchhiking to Memphis wearing parachute pants in the rain. You. Make. Me. SICK. Posted by: lauraw on November 15, 2005 09:06 PM
You have some serious issues dude. Posted by: Beck on November 15, 2005 09:09 PM
How can anyone top the Dirty Adolph? Or the Avocado in the Backpack? When it comes to perversions, Ace is tops! Posted by: on November 15, 2005 09:12 PM
OT: you're going to love this. An ancient brewery staffed by Peruvian beauties. Posted by: Johnny&Betsy on November 15, 2005 09:17 PM
It should have been cold, melting ice cream sundae with chopped peanuts smeared on that tender, photogenic man-crack. Is that like an ice cream sandwich? Posted by: on November 15, 2005 10:27 PM
I don't know what to say, Ace, especially as your hyper-sensitive obscenity filter won't let me write down the name of that very capable Homicide detective you traduced in your parody. Maybe you could replace "Close it up" at the end with "Zip it up." Posted by: Wanda on November 15, 2005 10:28 PM
but I think I've done them all. I'm all tapped out taking comments out of context is fun! Posted by: Dave in Texas on November 15, 2005 10:58 PM
I perfect topping to that afternoon of church school. This is why conservatives will rule the world. We can think both outside the box and inside the box, often at the same time. Posted by: JackStraw on November 16, 2005 12:00 AM
that was 3/4 the gayest thing i've ever read Posted by: spaz on November 16, 2005 12:01 AM
Karol: OK, we'll be taking listener calls now. Posted by: sandy burger on November 16, 2005 12:05 AM
OMG, that's my new "line": And when she says "Whaaaa?" I'll just say, "Guilty conscience, beeyatch? Now get on it! I speak for the dead." Posted by: Bart on November 16, 2005 12:51 AM
Bart: Yes, Ace of Spades HQ is a fine place to learn pick-up lines. I usually start with "I'm not Ace", and then move on from there, but that's just me. (What? This isn't a flame war thread? Damn, I did it again. Sorry, I forgot. Won't happen again.) Posted by: sandy burger on November 16, 2005 12:59 AM
I'll just say, "Guilty conscience, beeyatch? Now get on it! I speak for the dead." You're killin' me! Posted by: Michael on November 16, 2005 01:40 AM
Well, it isn't hard to tell from these comments exactly which of you are GETTING OFF ON THIS! Posted by: ; on November 16, 2005 06:32 PM
Geoff has me a on a wild goose chase. In my travels, I ran across this oldie but goodie. Did Ace include this one in the greatest hit jobs? Well, anyway, it didn't get the attention it deserved. Then again, maybe we blew our nuts on the real McDonalds/stupid people thread. Posted by: Bart on January 14, 2006 06:38 PM
Post a comment
| The Deplorable Gourmet A Horde-sourced Cookbook [All profits go to charity] Top Headlines
Ever Wonder How The Woke Left Can Be So Obviously Hypocritical And Automatically Reject All Opposing Facts? Below are four short 5 minute videos of author Melanie Phillips explaining why.
The Disturbing Logic Of The Left.***
The Psychology Behind Why the WOKE Left Can't Win Arguments.***
The Bizarre Union of Woke and Jihad.***
Truth is a Right Wing Concept. [dri]
Wow, Katie Perry is having a rough couple of years: like her career, her engagement to Orlando Bloom is now over
The Trump Curse strikes again. She went from an apolitical ditz to a Hillary Clinton Crusader in 2016 and her career bottomed out like Hillary Clinton's blood sugar level after a weekend of vodka and self-pity. The Trump Curse even follows you into space, yo. Or at least into the lower upper atmosphere.
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click, I Can't Believe It's Not Night Ranger Edition
If you would just be sensible You'd find me indispensable I pray deep down to destiny That it places you with me Whoa, wanting you here in the sheets Wandering around incomplete Waiting so long I'm pretty sure I've linked this before but it's a banger.
Republican running for Mitch McConnell's seat literally trashes him in new ad
It's the anniversary of the Biden debate debacle.
Biden's senility becomes undeniable. The Democrats pronounced that he had clearly triumphed in the debate. How CNN reported Biden's "intense" debate prep before the debate and then after. Amy Klobuchar predicted victory. The Washington Examiner looks back at the Night of Great Stuttering.
Kari Lake, just when I think you couldn't get any dumber, you pull a stunt like this, and totally redeem yourself!!!
I think the Democrat is arguing that the political appointees should exercise no control over their rabidly communist VOA employees. This is what they're always arguing -- they stock the bureaucracy with literal communists and then claim that the voters should have no control over these unfirable radicals. Lake offers a for-instance that will appeal to this Democrat of allegedly-suspect bedroom guests.
Senator Rounds invites Trump to "an appreciation event like you've never seen" at the Sturgis Bike Rally
Obviously Trump should go. LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Lalo Schifrin, the composer behind the iconic 'Mission: Impossible' theme and many more film and TV scores, dies at 93. This post will self-destruct in five seconds.
Chuck Schumer hospitalized after experiencing "lightheadness" while attempting to diagram a Kamala Harris sentence
Wait, it says he was supposedly working out at the gym. Sure, whatev's. Maybe he had a fight with Harry Reid's exercise bands. ![]()
Smart Military Blog Practical Advice: How to Stop a Dog Attack in 3 Seconds. [dri]
Forgotten 80s Mystery Click
Hints: breakthrough solo album from 1980 of a musician known for his work in big 70s groups. Stand up in a clear blue morning Until you see what can be Alone in a cold day dawning Are you still free? Can you be? And that old grey wind is blowing And there's nothing left worth knowing And its time you should be going That's a gift for you, Bumblebee. Enjoy it, Coach DickNBalls. Recent Comments
Boss Moss:
"That's Matt Morse TV Live. He seems to know the ar ..."
OrangeEnt: "I'd like to thank Doof for allowing my "First!," b ..." Some Rat: "Shooting at firefighters in Coeur D'Alene Idaho. ..." Bulg: "Kagan is not hippocritical. She always defends th ..." Anonosaurus Wrecks, Well, This Is Another Fine Mess You've Gotten Me Into[/s] [/b] [/i] [/u]: "This afternoon, I watched what must be a strong co ..." Piper: "Hi friends! ..." NemoMeImpuneLacessit[/i][/b][/u][/s]: "As the first loser, I nooded (but I would have any ..." Farquad: "Whoa never been this early before. I've watched s ..." Bulg: "7 White frosting on the other? ..." KDKong: "Windbag, good choice on the Sig. If I’m out ..." Hokey Pokey: "Shooting at firefighters in Coeur D'Alene Idaho. ..." Bulg: "Also, hey, Piper! ..." Bloggers in Arms
RI Red's Blog! Behind The Black CutJibNewsletter The Pipeline Second City Cop Talk Of The Town with Steve Noxon Belmont Club Chicago Boyz Cold Fury Da Goddess Daily Pundit Dawn Eden Day by Day (Cartoon) EduWonk Enter Stage Right The Epoch Times Grim's Hall Victor Davis Hanson Hugh Hewitt IMAO Instapundit JihadWatch Kausfiles Lileks/The Bleat Memeorandum (Metablog) Outside the Beltway Patterico's Pontifications The People's Cube Powerline RedState Reliapundit Viking Pundit WizBang Some Humorous Asides
Kaboom!
Thanksgivingmanship: How to Deal With Your Spoiled Stupid Leftist Adultbrat Relatives Who Have Spent Three Months Reading Slate and Vox Learning How to Deal With You You're Fired! Donald Trump Grills the 2004 Democrat Candidates and Operatives on Their Election Loss Bizarrely I had a perfect Donald Trump voice going in 2004 and then literally never used it again, even when he was running for president. A Eulogy In Advance for Former Lincoln Project Associate and Noted Twitter Pestilence Tom Nichols Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: If You Touch My Sandwich One More Time, I Will Fvcking Kill You Special Guest Blogger Rich "Psycho" Giamboni: I Must Eat Jim Acosta Special Guest Blogger Tom Friedman: We Need to Talk About What My Egyptian Cab Driver Told Me About Globalization Shortly Before He Began to Murder Me Special Guest Blogger Bernard Henri-Levy: I rise in defense of my very good friend Dominique Strauss-Kahn Note: Later events actually proved Dominique Strauss-Kahn completely innocent. The piece is still funny though -- if you pretend, for five minutes, that he was guilty. The Ace of Spades HQ Sex-for-Money Skankathon A D&D Guide to the Democratic Candidates Michael Moore Goes on Lunchtime Manhattan Death-Spree Artificial Insouciance: Maureen Dowd's Word Processor Revolts Against Her Numbing Imbecility The Dowd-O-Matic! The Donkey ("The Raven" parody) Archives
|