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October 14, 2005

James Bond Haiku Contest

Get your entries in by 11:59 Sunday ET over at Dave's. The winner will receive a DVD of the new James Bond's crime film, Layer Cake (widescreen, of course).

Here's one:

You only live twice
Once when you're born
and once when you look death in the face.

Okay, not really mine. That's literally a James Bond haiku, a haiku written by 007 himself, when he immerses himself into Japanese culture in the book You Only Live Twice (and gives the novel a name, to boot).

Notice: Loose shit on the syllables. So don't give me any crap when I don't follow the supposedly-proper format. I'm just emulating 007.

posted by Ace at 09:08 PM

Comments

Hugh Jackman as Bond.
Appletinis shaken, not stirred.
Rejected, too fey.

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes on October 14, 2005 09:20 PM

Who will play the girls?
Ace will be disappointed:
Not Justine Bateman.

Posted by: Tim Higgins on October 14, 2005 09:48 PM

Pierce Brosnan phoned in
His last performance, kisses
Last nubile bimbo

Posted by: caspera on October 14, 2005 09:48 PM

Cubby's kids pick new
Creep to kill men and molest
Girls for England's sake

Posted by: caspera on October 14, 2005 09:56 PM

Cries herself to sleep,
As Bond bangs untold women,
Miss Moneypenny.

Posted by: The Colossus on October 14, 2005 09:56 PM

Timothy Dalton
No less fey than Jackman
Still made two movies

Posted by: The Colossus on October 14, 2005 09:59 PM

Zombie franchise limps
Long past natural death. Where is
Film's Kevorkian?

Posted by: caspera on October 14, 2005 10:00 PM

Double-0 seven,
Why not Powers Boothe?, laments
Dave at Garfield Ridge.

Posted by: The Colossus on October 14, 2005 10:03 PM

To The Colossus, a haiku rebuttal:

Jackman's way more fey
Shook ass as Peter Allen
Timothy wouldn't

Posted by: caspera on October 14, 2005 10:04 PM

What's that ticking noise?
Atomic bomb in my pants
Thanks, Octupussy

Posted by: V the K on October 14, 2005 10:44 PM

Roger Moore, et. al.
Not worthy to lick sweat from
Sean Connery's Balls

Posted by: V the K on October 14, 2005 10:46 PM

Retool for Jackman.
License to Exfoliate
Drives Astin-Jetta

Posted by: Dr. Reo Symes on October 14, 2005 10:48 PM

Need a new villain?
Mike Myers phones his agent
Why not Doc Evil?

Posted by: V the K on October 14, 2005 10:51 PM

"Why no, Mister Bond,
I expect you to die" - the
last decent Bond quote

Posted by: Josh on October 14, 2005 10:59 PM

Already new Bond?
World Is Not Enough was great!
But the last flick blew...

Posted by: OHNOES on October 14, 2005 11:43 PM

You are probably
Wondering why I summoned
You here... never mind...

Posted by: Charles on October 14, 2005 11:43 PM

Uh, guys? You know the contest is over at *my* site, right?

Oh well. Good stuff here too. Perhaps I'll share with Ace's readership, since half you retards happen to like my site as well.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

P.S. Ace, as always, gracias for the link. Nice pull with the "official" haiku from the most ridiculous Bond movie of all time. Seriously, I bought John Travolta as Nicholas Cage as John Travolta better than Sean Connery as a Japanese man.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on October 14, 2005 11:47 PM

This comment is not a haiku, but about one.
The haiku mentioned, used as the frontispiece of the original edition of "You Only Live Twice", was a real haiku, written by the famed Japanese poet Basho Matsuo (1644 - 1694), and was never suggested by Ian Fleming to have been written by Bond.

Posted by: Rico on October 14, 2005 11:55 PM

Is this another poetry contest where the WINNERS ARE NEVER ANNOUNCED?

Posted by: bbeck on October 14, 2005 11:57 PM

"Could we please skip the
pleasantries, Moneypenny?
Bond is late, again!"

Posted by: OHNOES on October 15, 2005 12:00 AM

Value Rite vodka
is to be shaken not stirred
it's cold in Iceland

That's for all the Jack M. fans.

Posted by: Retired Geezer on October 15, 2005 12:08 AM

LOL...I'm not sure there are any of these mythical "Jack M. fans" Geezer, but I appreciate the thought just the same.

Icelandic bastards. Something really ought to be done about them...

Posted by: Jack M. on October 15, 2005 12:19 AM

Bond was married once
once, to that Avenger chick
that scene made me cry

shut up already
I was like maybe fourteen
you would have cried too

George Lazenby
got the gig but blew it bad
no idea why

Posted by: Dave in Texas on October 15, 2005 01:35 AM

Press says "fist blond Bond"
Hello Rodger Moore?
Forgotten this soon?

Posted by: MTW on October 15, 2005 04:58 AM

I would like to see
Who won the other contest
Finish what you start

Posted by: rho on October 15, 2005 09:06 AM

bad poetry slam
much hoopla from ace, but then
pfft -- gone with the wind

Posted by: OregonMuse on October 15, 2005 12:44 PM

Shaken, with valtrex
Valu-rite cocktail, loose shit
Ace-o-Spades lifestyle (TM)

Posted by: Charles on October 15, 2005 12:53 PM

Oregon,

Results this week
Sorry it's taking a while
Life intrudes. Frog croaks on lillypad.

Posted by: ace on October 15, 2005 02:52 PM

Haiku and James Bond?
Mutually exclusive.
He's British, you retard!

Posted by: Shawn on October 16, 2005 12:23 AM

Amazon.com Widgets

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Top Headlines

Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
Posted by: Smell the Glove

I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

"Ahhhhh ahh I put my career on the line for Louise Lucas and Jay Jones thinking they'd vault me into presidential contention and we ended up costing Democrats 20 House seats and unleashing a Reverse Dobbs ahhhhh ahhh"

Forgotten 80s Mystery Click That Sums Up the Democrat Communist Party Today
Something is wrong as I hold you near
Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
And then it's raining, feels like it's raining

TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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