Beats Maya Angelou.

You should be the national poet laureate.

Send it in to Bush and maybe he'll nominate you. More likely send the secret service with straight jackets, but it's worth a shot.

I am not shitting you(no pun) same thing for mr today, only molly (dog) had the squirts. God I hate dogs.

but he smelteth the soap and with the Power of Satan which yet abode in his hairs, made himself Very Small.

allow me to offer the Living Bible translation:

The Dog, in Bible Speak

I feel close to you people. Because I'm a retard. But I digress; let me tell you about my evening tonight.

Lauraw stood upon the porch and called the dog in.

He acked the call, and we loved on im.

Lauraw checked him out and saw he was cool. She petted his furry ass, and pulled up short;

He was stanky. Mighty stanky.

She sniffed her pinkly and knew that thang. (Yeah, dang dogs will roll in that stuff, like makes em crazy and stuff).

Lauraw ran inside and called hubs, he declined. Then she knew that she would Have to Do it Her-Fucking-Self (from the original Greek fuckinself).

She grabbed the towels, and the pot o watah. Soap and serious cussin, serious. She tried trickin Marmaduke with a cookie, but he was having none o that. Like dawgs do, he made himself inconspicuous, on the down-low.

But Lauraw eyed him; she was hip to his act, she grabbed his furry nap, and lathered him while cussin him, with vim and vigor. Eck.

The hound at this point was totally clued. And he knew his butt stank mighty butt-like. Them ears yanked and his visage dropped; and whoa! did his Eyes moon up, and they begged Lauraw for a break, all sneaky-like.

But Lauraw, cussing him splendiferously, washed his furry fanny in the hot water and cleaned up the crazy hound-stank.

And when she was done, she said "hoo-yeah".

But Dog still skulked around the House like a guilty jerk afterwards anyway.

(That last line pretty much stands on it's own in the new translation)

Holy crap, if your rendition didn't beat mine all to Hell!!
Dave is Da Man

*still laughing!*

I don't get it.

Did Dog shit on himself?

Did your husband shit on Dog?

Was the shit a gift to you from Dog?

^
Yea, that was me.

Ah, the dog found some rare delightful vintage of crap in the yard, mebbe coyote or fox, and turned his shoulder into it and rolled over and over so as to coat his coat, you see.

They are lovable 95% of the time. That other 5% of disgusting behavior sucks ass though.

Your dog perfumes himself with myrrh to smell pretty just for Fucking-Selfeth. Instead of singing:

Hosannah, Hey Sannah
Sannah, sannah, hosannah,
Hey Sannah, Ho-san-nah!

Lauraw burneth him with lye? God have mercy on your soul, woman.

What sayeth thou, Toobino?
Hath ye a link to a ten-year-old-article that has little to do-eth with Dog yet somehow supporteth ye claim?

They are lovable 95% of the time. That other 5% of disgusting behavior sucks ass though.

Which species were you referring to here?

I'm partial to the KJV.

"But of the fruit of the coyote which is in the midst of lauraw's garden, She hath said, Ye (doggie) shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, neither shall ye roll in it, lest ye die."
etc. etc.

Couple of years ago I was watching a friend's black lab and put her in her carrier overnight because it was going to go below zero. Of course she crapped all over herself and the carrier during the night. He was coming to get the dog the next day, so there I was in the snow trying to roll/drag an 80 lb dog around that wasn't appreciating my efforts.

Thanks for the chuckle LW.

When I was a whelp we had a Border Collie (the super smart black/white ones, not the brown/white retards).

He was smart enough to wake someone up in the middle of the night to let him out if he had to poo or pee rather than do it on the floor. He was also smart enough to take a dunk in the swamp before presenting himself at the back porch for entry if he'd been partaking of particularly nasty rural dog type stuff.

I highly recommend upgrading to a border collie. They're also instinctive herders and will keep small kids out of danger.

"They're also instinctive herders and will keep small kids out of danger."

And what's the benefit that offsets this behavior?

I've got two. American spaniels. Litter brothers. One rolled on a stinking dead fish, the other rolled in human spoil, this was deep in the Alberta Rockies where there was neither soap or hot water. I had to shove them into an ice cold glacier fed stream and scrub it off with gravelly sand from the stream bed. They've never done it since.

And what's the benefit that offsets this behavior?

Oh, I see...

Then I recommend a pit bull - one that has been unmercifully tortured since a pup. Make sure its been starved for a week or so before leaving it with the kids.

Cracked me up... good job.
You too Dave in TX.

Some unknown animal's shit? Allow me to suggest you were blessed. Try dealing with two male black labs that treated rotting fish from lake Michigan like it was the canine version of Old Spice.

Tony mentioned retarded RED(not brown dummy)/white border collies.

I would suggest Tony is a freakin' retard.

I have a blind red who I didn't even know was blind for the first five years of his life. True, he had some odd behaviors, but he can work as good as my tri-color and is one hell of a lot smarter than the dumb-as-rocks black and white I own.

Anyway, great post Ace - I loved it.

I forgot to mention about "herding" kids. This is one of the worst "myths" about owning a BC.

Border Collies can terrorize kids if you aren't careful. They can look awful fearsome when facing a child - in particular when they give the kid "the eye" which is scary sometimes even to an adult. BCs can also be very "bossy" and sometimes cause a child to strike out at the dog which is not a good thing.

In 35 years of owning and training border collies, I have never once had them "work" my children - ever.

Thank you for your time.

That is all.

Mine go out after a good soaking rain & look for dead worms to smear on themselves. Leaves nice brown streaks on a Dalmatian. They get ultra-affectionate afterwards, and that worm skank gets even stronger when it hits human skin.
And squirrel shit!
Dogs are fucking nuts.
They're born shit disturbers, no apologies.
That's why I love them.

I don't have kids and Cattle Dogs are plenty smart.

When I was in college there was a Border Collie that stalked the quad. It would sneak up on urns, statutes or people. Fun to watch. That dog was damn serious about it, too.

Lauraw, I'm guessing the Canine in Question would be the Blue Boy?

Yep, that's the one.

Our red girl is blind so she doesn't go out by herself at night.
But once on a walk in the woods we saw her rapturously smoosh her shoulder into a horse flop.

Never forget the look of joy on her face while she wriggled around in it.

"Oh horse flop! You complete me...you complete me!"

"Your comment could not be submitted due to question*ble content: *"

Ok*y, now this is one of the more blindingly ridiculous errors I've seen so f*r. The *sterisks, obviously, *re the first letter in the English *lph*bet.

Holy cr*p, if your rendition didn't be*t mine *ll to Hell!!

noo, I just went to school on your story.

I'm not sure *bout my tr*nsl*tion on "hoo-ye*h".

Could* been "hoo-*h".

Greek is tricksey like th*t.

this * thing is tricksey too

*ce, I swe*r, if I somehow m*n*ge to wriggle out of my *ssigned mission *t this l*te d*te, I'm going to show up *t th*t d*mn p*rty *nd be*t on your *ss with * b*seb*ll b*t.

This is NOT the sort of thing to spring on * girl with * h*ngover. Y'*ll enjoy living d*ngerously?

...fuck, it's tough to thre*ten people in this g*y-*ss code.

n 35 yrs f wnng nd trnng brdr clls, I hv nvr nc hd them "wrk" my chldrn - vr.

I thnk ths sys mr but yr mthds thn th dgs. rs ws nvr "trnd" - w ddn't fl ny nd t "fx" tht whch wsn't brkn.

Try lttng dg jst b tslf smtm.

The procedure goes like this:

Test --> deploy

not:

Deploy --> fuckup

Meg*n, it's almost 4pm there... you still hungover?

d*yum, you *re tough!

Damn, I hate painting.

yeah, but you gotta get the nest ready for Slub Jr.

So, paint on my wayward son. There'll be rest when you are done.

ok, I'm lyin

ok, I'm lyin

No shit. Let's not tell him about the dry heaves he'll be having while he's changing diapers when the little urchin is teething.

Noooo. It's just going to be all so much fun playing with Slub Jr., the perfect baby.

Still laughing! Check out some neat pic.s at my site. A mule and panter tangle...advantage Mule, and a truly huge rattler caught near Amarillo.

"So, paint on my wayward son. There'll be rest when you are done."

CSN&Y! Saw them a couple of years ago and Neil Young was on f'n fire!

No shit. Let's not tell him about the dry heaves he'll be having while he's changing diapers when the little urchin is teething.

Ugh.

You all make this sound so fun.

"So, paint on my wayward son. There'll be rest when you are done."

CSN&Y! Saw them a couple of years ago and Neil Young was on f'n fire!

My guess is Kansas.

You all make this sound so fun.

Upside: There is only going to be one person who wakes up every morning overjoyed to see you.

Yeah, and they can start that being "overjoyed to see you" pretty damn early, too. Doesn't matter, you can sleep when you pass out dead drunk. You're getting a new best friend, you know. All good.

Cat got skunked last week. Third time. His hatred of the dread Striped One overcomes his stanky self-loathing afterwards. Can't lnock him though since I dated a South African girl in college.

If you don't have something for a Border Collie to herd, I don't know if you're doing them any favors making them a pet. They seem a little nutty without enough work. Comments?

Comments?

Yeah. Get a mutt. Mutts tend to be more intelligent, due to the lack of inbreeding, I suppose. Specifically, go to the animal shelter and get a small-to-mid-sized terrier looking mutt. Our dogs have always been vaguely terrier-looking mutts, and they've all been great.

CSN&Y! Saw them a couple of years ago and Neil Young was on f'n fire!

I can hardly wait until Slub Jr. is rockin' in the free world. I trust, Slub, that you will keep the AOSHQ community informed.

I'm assuming you realize that Slub Jr. means you will have to temporarily suspend the Ace of Spades Lifestyle™. No more Val-U-Rite binges, crack, squeekhole sex (like a Viking, of course) or Vietnamese hookers for you, my friend.

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