Welcome to the Dunderdome.

Whats wrong with color Maroon?

Well I never sniffed a jock so I guess that only leaves one alternative. Let me just say, though...EXCELLENT!

From the Flight 93 Thread Michael said: "Sorry, John, you're just not in Brewfan's league, and you don't eat me like Brewfan does."

Sorry I didn't get back to you sooneer, I was checking Mrs. Michael's 'chlorine level'. Its just FINE by the way!

What the hell else you gonna do tonight? Live Blogger Chat at Stop The ACLU. Great place to meet other bloggers and make fun of liberals.

lauraw and brewfan: first shot: in witless competition: Al Gore's 'I invented the internet" Your turn.

Alright, john, here's my entry. Michael: "I don't have a pool anymore"

huh ahuh huh uh check it out bevis huhhuh huh

Jimmy Carter's 1980 debate comment: "I spoke with my daughter amy and she said that nuclear disarmament was the most pressing concern for the nation"

Has anyone else ever wondered, or fantasized about, the 2 assassins from the James Bond movie "Diamonds are Forever"? Mr Wint and Mr Kidd. Are these guys a gay couple? Don't they seem like a couple, they way they look at each other lustfully and then kill someone? I'm not saying all gay couples are murderers, just wondering.

how about "I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman" ?

God I wish I had a gig tonight.

Instead of this.

Dave, you should learn to multi-task like the rest of us studs are doing! Lauraw, this includes you...an honorary stud.

"I did not have sexual intercourse with that woman"

Are we discussing the Ace O' Spades Lifestyle ™ now?

Dave,

I'm saving you know what for you know who! *giggle*

BTW, I wouldn't want anybody to get the impression I don't lead a meaningful life just because I'm here. I'll have you know I'm simultaneously playing Mah Jong Tiles! Incredible, I know, but true.

"What the hell else are you going to do tonight? Get laid?

Yeah. Didn't think so."

Well, I was, until she found Ace-of-Spades HQ in my Favorites Folder. It's like whatever the opposite of an aphrodesiac is.

Has anyone else ever wondered, or fantasized about, the 2 assassins from the James Bond movie "Diamonds are Forever"? Mr Wint and Mr Kidd. Are these guys a gay couple?

Yes. They hold hands one remarks, "She's attractive... for a lady."

Hm. Sheryl Crow plays piano.

Who knew?

john,

I get distracted playing a guitar when I try to type.

brew,

heh. don't forget the "in conclusion," lead in.

Aw, crap. That song sounded good until Rod Stewart started in.

No, that was last night.
Tonight, I'm answering questions in apparently pointless blog entries.

"Sheryl Crow plays piano"

Its a little known fact that women who play piano give the best hand jobs. 'Tickling the ivory' and all that. Ask Lance.

Hey, it's Kanye West.

I wonder if he'll change the lyrics to his song from "Jesus Walks" to "Bush Sucks."

If you can, just take a Kay-yak down dere to Nouvelle Orleans to hep the poor peepul, for god's sake! Zut alors!

Ugh.

Julia Roberts - the woman looks like a horse.

And what the f*** happened to Garth Brooks' voice? He sounds like someone strangling a cat.

Mon Dieu! Did you know I am the oldest living Canadien?

Ahh, Celine Dion.
So elegant. Such a lovely singing voice.
But she talks like a sheetrocker.

Slub,

I'm with you. never got the Julia Roberts thing. I thought she was a good match with Lyle Lovett. Now Sandra (I call her 'Sandy') Bullock is another story! Rowwrr! Does anybody know if she plays the piano?

But she talks like a sheetrocker

she talks like a Marseilles longshoreman with a bad back.

Yup. I can't believe Julia "Trigger" Roberts always makes those 'Beautiful People' lists but Sandra "Rowr" Bullock doesn't.

BrewFan

Bullock? I can walk 5 blocks and see 50 chicks hotter than her. Go for Selma Hayek or Halle Berry at least.

Sandra Bullock was cloned from a cancerous growth off one of George Hamilton's nipples.

You can see the family resemblance.

Just thought I'd get a shot in on the great Miss Dion's "helpful" Katrina remarks. You know, since this was a moron thread.

Actually, just saw the Canadian Ambassador on O'Reilly and it seems the Canucks have been very helpful and very fast in their flood relief contributions. The very first search/rescue unit into NO was actually from Vancouver. Thanks, Canada!

So what's the difference between a moron thread and a flame war thread?

Because we need a flame war from time to time.

They gotta happen every five weeks or so -- ten weeks -- helps to get rid of the bad blood. Been a long time since the last one

No argument from me on Halle!

the grill is fired,

the porterhouse is ready,

the wine is opened.

Night Train. Thursday. Excellent vintage.

I agree on the flame war thread, Slub but it can't be this one. After all, what could you possibly say to people who are commenting in the moron thread?

"Hey Moron!"

"Yeah, what?"

Crap, I'm out of wine.

Life sucks.

Excellent vintage

Last Thursday?
Did you sniff the screw-cap to make sure it was fresh?

Plus, it would be hard to know who's being insulted, since we're all basically morons.

"Night Train. Thursday. Excellent vintage"

Cretin! Thunderbird goes better with red meat!

stupid dog ran off with the cap before I could check it out. I hope the little bastard chokes on it.

"Plus, it would be hard to know who's being insulted, since we're all basically morons"

Exactly! It'd be like going to the mosque tonight and yelling "Hey, Mohammed!"

Hiya Slubs.
I'd have a witty comeback to that, but I'm looking at my sock right now. Its fascinating. Looks like they wove it out of something. Like really, really, really, soft wicker.

Talk later.
I have to get to the bottom of this.

Somebody settle a bet for me. Does Celine Dion pronounce her name [dee-ahn] or the french way [dee-youhn] (however you phonetically indicate that papillon 'o' sound)?

Back to George Hamilton's nipple...are you a moron? Nevermind. Anyway, 'Sandy' is the cat's pajama's. Her only flaw is she married that loser Jesse James. Ugh!

Are we discussing the Ace O' Spades Lifestyle ™ now?

Brewfan:

Good grief.

You are just so proud of being able to do that HTML trademark superscript.

Why don't you just drop to your knees and start doing the Brewfan Lifestyle™ with me. I know you want it. I'm right here for you.

Pleeeeeze try not to gag so much. I hate that. The runny nose and tears are OK, but no gagging.

Thank you.

Look at a picture of young George Hamilton next to a pic of Sandra Bullock.

"Pleeeeeze try not to gag so much"

Don't try that stuff around here. We know the truth. Mrs. Michael told me "BrewFan, an inch more and he'd be a king, an inch less, a queen. Now lets play poolboy and the bored housewife again."

Bullock is kinda of cute, like a field hockey girl in high school. I repeat that I can walk 5 blocks here and find 50 hotter girls. Especially about 4 hours from now when the nightlife picks up.

George

Sandra

See? Same dude!

"Look at a picture of young George Hamilton next to a pic of Sandra Bullock."

Well, if your premise is that George Hamilton isn't hot we'll just have to agree to disagree.

"I repeat that I can walk 5 blocks here "

Where's 'here'?

hb= Huntington Beach, CA

Moved here 5 years ago from NJ - amazing number of hot chicks here. 99.99% of them absolutely useless as people, but hot. And dressed like tramps. And hot.

tearing into the filet now.

perfect.

Got a joke for ya:

Celine Dion walks into a bar.
And the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

Incidentally, I'm not a moron. I'm a mouth-breather. There's a difference. Not much of a difference, but a difference. A nuance, if you will.

Heh. No wine, but I did find some beer.

Warm, of course.

It's in the freezer now.

"Huntington Beach, CA "

My Sis-in-Law used to live in Costa Mesa so I'm familiar with the area and see your point! 'Sandy' would not stand out in that crowd.

Did you sniff the screw-cap to make sure it was fresh?

If its a little green, straining it through your shorts will give it an "aged" bouquet.

A dash of anti-freeze will add a fruity subtle sweetness.

Where's Megan? Did she pass out already?

I hereby nominate Tony as the official Ace o' Spades Bartender.

Like we need one, but still...

BrewFan -

I live 5 blocks from the beach. There's something wonderful about driving home from work and passing 3 20 year old girls riding bikes in bikinis (the girls in bikinis, not the bikes). Makes NJ/NY less missed.

Ace,

It's Friday night and I am alone. Could you please post a picture of your thighs covered in Marshmallow?

I need release.

;-)

A friend of mine lives in that big condo complex at PCH and Main in HB - the wealth of tightly clad wildlife there is just ridiculous. Then there's those Freudian oil pumps everywhere . . .

geoff -

1) My friend and i call that the intersection you don't mind being stuck at - driving there is called "taking a lap". This must be done on all trips/errands - even if completely out of the way.

2) Oil pumps - I had one 2 doors down from my old place. I used to tell girlfriends not to let it skew their expectations.

As a public service to keep people from becoming retarded and blind, I've instituted a "lead free" requirement on moonshine distilling radiator solder joints.

I had some rather unfortunate incidents in the past with certain members of the Kennedy clan with the older radiators that used lead solder...

The lead tingling is how I know it is working.

From thread below:

I can't believe you guys are actually fighting about this.

You saw how two of my last three posts crumbled under cursory inspection.

Clearly, I am the Queen Dunderhead.

And I'll chimp-smack, then drool all over anybody who dares challenge me.

Laura, Laura, Laura. Such arrogance. Somebody clearly needs a good spanking. A hard spanking, that leaves you cherry red. I feel a haiku coming on.

Dang. That was me.

That just means you're in the right thread, Michael.

But seriously:

Pia Zadora

James Woods

Same guy.

The FridayNightSpecial™

8oz "lead-free" shine
5 drops blue Lock-tite (smooths out the bite)
8oz Dextron ATF

Stir vigorously. Beautiful streaky colors with slowly rising bubbles. Allow to seperate while admiring its looks.

Drink ONLY with a straw, the ATF will float to the top.

If you're really stoned, its just like drinking your lava lamp!

No, really.

Julia Roberts

Mr. Ed

Just remeber anyone who gets drunk enough to kiss Ace tonight will also kiss the ass of every other blogger on the internet.

Ah . . . kids are finally abed. Time to crack open my first beer of the evening. Fullers ESB; a little brew I like to call - candy.

OK, so, I may be the only person on the internet who is willing to admit that I think Pia is totally hot. She's like Lipstick with small feet.

Go ahead. Make fun of me. I'm going to put on my Batman suit, so I don't care.

So I'm watching this weird but fascinating documentary on the History Channel about Rome. They're talking about Elagabalus, a Roman leader who worshiped the sun god. Led Rome into a whole new time of decadence.

Got me thinking.

Ace doesn't tan, does he?

Forgot to mention. Elagabalus was a transvestite.

Didn't Sandra Bullock do something really nice for the troops recently?

(not in the way that Brew Fan or Michael do)

OK, the thing about Julia Roberts and Mr. Ed was just plain scary. I need some sleep tonight.

I dunno about doing nice stuff for the troops but a Google search of her produces some very nice photos right off the bat.

Sorry buddy, but speaking truth to power is what I'm about.

Sometimes people get hurt.

Since this is the moron thread, I thought you might like to see what John Kerry is up to. Got this letter in my junk mail/listserv account:

Dear Friend,

"More tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans are off the table." Those are the words that America is waiting to hear from President Bush. At a time of crisis and enormous need, it should be an easy decision for him to make. He could make the announcement tomorrow.

There is hurt and suffering all around us. Estimates are that it will cost as much as $150 billion to help the hard-hit people and communities of the Gulf Coast get back on their feet following Katrina's devastation. And the Bush administration's failed policies in Iraq are draining billions of dollars from our treasury every month.

But still, Republican leaders refuse to abandon their obsession with granting still more tax cuts to the wealthy and well-connected. Don't let them get away with it.

Sign our "Don't You Dare" petition right now.

http://www.johnkerry.com/petition/taxcuts.php

Believe it or not, with all our nation is going through, there are Republicans still pushing to put tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans on Congress' agenda this fall.

Republican leaders were forced to postpone plans for an immediate vote this week on eliminating the estate tax. But, they haven't backed off their larger plan for more tax cuts to benefit the wealthiest Americans.

This is a test of what kind of country we are. Are we an America that responds to crisis by helping the most vulnerable in times of need, or do we just give more to those who have the most?

Please join today in demanding that Republican leaders forego any and all plans to lavish tax cuts on the wealthy at this moment of crisis.

http://www.johnkerry.com/petition/taxcuts.php

What can they be thinking? Why haven't President Bush, Senator Frist and Speaker Hastert taken off the table the outrageous notion of bestowing more tax cuts on the wealthy at a time like this? How long will it be before they start telling us that tax cuts for the wealthy can provide just the stimulus we need to get the Gulf Coast economy moving again?

Going forward with the GOP's next round of tax cuts for the wealthy would be a bitter betrayal -- a slap in the face to the hundreds of thousands of Katrina survivors struggling to put their lives back together. It's time for the President and his Republican colleagues to send a clear, unambiguous message that they understand the situation our nation is facing. The American people want to hear from them now -- and, until they back off of their tax cuts for the wealthy, we'll make sure they hear from us.

http://www.johnkerry.com/petition/taxcuts.php

All around us, there are signs of American courage and American compassion. People who lived through hell are finding the strength to carry on. People who know what their fellow Americans are going through have reached out in one of the most far-reaching displays of generosity in our nation's history.

Yet here the Republican Party's leaders sit back in Washington, desperately clinging to the hope that they can force through another round of tax cuts for the chosen few. They shouldn't wait a day longer before they make a clear commitment not to pursue more tax cuts for the wealthy. And, until they come to their senses, we'll keep the pressure on.

http://www.johnkerry.com/petition/taxcuts.php

We've got to stop these tax cuts from diverting resources that are needed for vitally important priorities such as helping those who have lost so much -- and have so far to go before they are on the road to recovery.

I hope you'll sign our "Don't You Dare" petition today demanding that Republican leaders abandon their plans to lavish more tax cuts on the wealthy. There has never been a more important time than this to give voice to your values.

I hope you will stand with us.

Sincerely,

John Kerry

P.S. After you sign the petition, please forward it to everyone you can think of who might be willing to sign. The more signatures we gather, the more quickly we can force Republican leaders to take tax cuts for the wealthy off the table.

Nice. A hurricane devastates the Gulf Coast and all this moron can think of is to protest tax cuts.

Ow, Slublog! The chin on that woman damn near put my eye out! The horse, on the other hand, is a rather handsome animal.

"Hello, Wilber!"

"All your horse are belong to us."

"You are on the path to destruction, make your time."

"HAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

Value-rite Vodka, safety sealed for your protection.

(Hey, this is a Moron thread, what do you expect? Rubber biscuit?)

Drink ONLY with a straw, the ATF will float to the top.

Tony,

My admiration for you continues to grow. Anyone with drink recipes that require a trip to Home Depot is OK with me.

You and Slublog really need to coordinate an AOSHQ Reunion event. Buffalo, NY might be a good location. It's close to NYC (so Ace can get there even if he's impaired), and at least we can visit Niagara Falls and ride the Maid of the Mist.

But, don't get in for a cut of the gate. Get paid in advance.

Hey, why not.

My wife has family in Buffalo. We could use his house and raid his bar.

And he's got a great bar.

Slublog,

You have a frozen exploded beer in the freezer.

*burp*

No worries here.

Overheard at Houston Astrodome evacuee shelter (not making this up):

Volunteer: So anyone famous been here recently?

Cop: I don't wanna get into that...

Voice: Julia Roberts was here.

Evacuee: BFD

My admiration for you continues to grow. Anyone with drink recipes that require a trip to Home Depot is OK with me.

I haven't even started on the stuff that requires a trip to a mortuary and chemical supply stores yet...

Copper sulphate : make for very nifty blue tinted drinks. Also useful as a weed killer. Comes in very pretty plue crystals that morons like to eat like candy (no shit, some moronic girl in my H/S chem class was eating the copper sulphate because it looked so pretty).

The esthetics of my BlindFuckingDruck™ drinks is VERY important.

Equally important is fragrance. Lets face it, nobody really like a drink that reeks of brake fluid even though brake fluid is a highly useful additive for the BlindFuckingDruck™ catalog.

ethyl propionate (fruity bouquet)
isoamyl butyrate (pear bouquet)
isoamyl acetate (banana bouquet)
n-butyl acetate (banana bouquet)
octyl acetate (orange bouquet)
methyl salicylate (winter-green bouquet)
methyl butyrate (pineapple bouquet)
ethyl cinnamate (cinnamon bouquet)

I strongly subscribe to the HST philosophy of BetterLivingThroughChecmistry™

Slu's pic of Julia Roberts.

Cesar Romero. (Scroll to bottom)

Slu's pic of Julia Roberts.

OMG - she looks like Alien in that pic. Quick, call Sigourney Weaver

Michael: I think Pia is totally hot. She's like Lipstick with small feet.

Except my face isn't smooshy and I'm not a dwarf.

You probably should be going after Charo though, you know, at your age...

not a dwarf...

tell me more

I don't have anything interesting to say. I'm just burnishing my already-well-burnished moron credentials.

5' 10" -- I figure that puts me well out of the dwarf category. And allows me to dismiss normal sized girls as short. Yes, it's a beautiful thing...to be so smug.

Where's the rest of my wine....

and ride the Maid of the Mist

so that's what you call it.

HAH!

It takes an uncommon mind, Dave.

I think he's talking about Anita Bryant, but you can never tell with that boy.

One customer so far this morning. Gonna be a slow day. Beautiful outside. Dry and cool and the sky is snappy blue.

whine

only 93 for a high today.

you know, 5-6 degrees around here makes a huge difference

Funny how that works.

Well here its perfect gardening weather, and here I am at work. Not making money because everybody else is in their gardens.

When it's been 99-101 for 5 weeks, 93 can make you pretty darned skippy.

61 degrees here. Highs in the low 70s, I think. Nothing to do but continue to put all our possessions in boxes for the BIG MOVE.

Can't help but think how amazing the internet is.

This talk about the weather between total strangers would never have been possible. ; )

I think he's talking about Anita Bryant, but you can never tell with that boy.

Sheesh. The Maid of the Mist is the name of the boat that takes you right up to the falls.

Although, a ride on Anita in her prime would have been something. And you wouldn't have to wear rain gear.

Blast it. Just had to go digging through an already-packed box of kitchen stuff. I packed it last week after asking my wife - 'are we sure we're not going to make a cheesecake or a bundt cake?'

Got an affirmative. Packed the stuff away.

Get a dinner invitation this evening. Agree to make dessert, and...

You guessed it.

Cheesecake.

Since I tend to mark boxes with stuff like "RANDOM KITCHEN CRAP" I had to dig through two to find it.

"Sheesh. The Maid of the Mist is the name of the boat that takes you right up to the falls."

Yes Michael, and Gorillas in the Mist is the name of the movie that was filmed in your shower.

"Yes Michael, and Gorillas in the Mist is the name of the movie that was filmed in your shower."

She shoots! She scooooooooorrrrrrrrrrresssss!

Yes Michael, and Gorillas in the Mist is the name of the movie that was filmed in your shower.

Really? How would you like to come out to P-Town sometime?

Yes Michael, and Gorillas in the Mist is the name of the movie that was filmed in your shower.

I'm none too sure anyone here actually does shower. Or sleep. Or even eat, maybe. I mean, come on: a Friday evening moron thread that's still going strong Saturday morning?

Does the Ace of Spades Lifestyle feature some diet that allows you to get by on nothing but Valu-Rite and snarky comments? I must have slept through that part of the orientation lecture. Although, admittedly, I might have been drunk.

Some of us are at work this morning. Therefore, we have nothing to do.

And some of us are supposed to be doing housework, but are procrastinating.

I'm waiting to leave for Las Vegas!

Dammit LD.
First you have a date, and now this?

Are you...getting a life or somethin?

Lipstick, drop by Salt Lake City on your way to LV. It'll liven up my astonishingly dull morning at work (yeah, lauraw, me too), and Las Vegas will seem all that much more entertaining by contrast.

My darling lives there. Thank goodness for Southwest Airlines.

Now hold on just a minute. I don't live in Las Vegas . . .

*gasp*

It gets worse, Michael. Lipstick's darling also doesn't have a pool.

Gorillas in the Mist - one of my favorite "yo mama" jokes.

Another one is, "yo mama's armpits are so hairy, she looks like she got Don King in a headlock"!

So, the work work (at work) I did this morning.

The yardwork is done.

The beer is getting cold and the Longhorns and the Buckeyes start at seven.

Life is gooooooood.

Lipstick, is he taller than you?

I'm not.

Hooow could I have been such a moron?

Wait, don't answer.

Slub, wha's up with the move? New place?

Yup. Bought a house.

Our first house, BTW. Nice 3-bedroom colonial on a quarter-acre lot in town.

It's good timing, because it turns out we'll need the extra room. My wife and I are expecting our first in April.

Well, congratulations all the way around. That's great.

Kids will make you crazy, by the way. Thought you should know.

Let me add my congratulations as well - big changes. Dave's right about the kids - they're what drove me here.

Thanks. It's a bit weird to think about.

I'm already crazy, though, so I've got a good head start.

How heteronormative of you.
You don't really need a whole 1/4 acre you know. Sprawling bastard.

Think of how much more life it could shelter if it were a bird sanctuary.
--Or, oooh, tenement housing!

Anyway. Congratulations!

How heteronormative of you.
You don't really need a whole 1/4 acre you know. Sprawling bastard.

Heh. Did I mention it has a barn?

Hm. Seems I moved just at the right time.

New neighbor in the apartment next door is a musician.

Specifically, a drummer.

Yay.

It's good timing, because it turns out we'll need the extra room. My wife and I are expecting our first in April.

Congratulations, Slu. You are in for the experience of your life. Cherish every minute. I was totally astonished by the changes I went through when I become a father, and am still astonished by how my life would have been incomplete if I had not done it.

Get back to me when the kid is a teenager -- you're going to need help.

Heh. Did I mention it has a barn?

You can cede the house to the wife but NEVER EVER back down on a single square inch of the barn. Take a whizz on all four corners and mark it as your own. PERIOD.

It will be your own personal sanctuary and mental health rehab center.

Barn rock.

Dead thread, but what the heck...

Laura, yeah, getting a life, so happy :)

Utron, my years old memory of Salt Lake City is that it's so clean. I liked that. But if you go to Las Vegas, they have the worst, crazy-ass drivers, beware!

Dave TX, same height as me.

Michael, no pool, but there is a spa thing in the works. Does your pool guy do spas in addition to Mrs. Michael?