Ace of Spades HQ

« Slam Atrios/Kos, Win 50 Smackers | Main | Michael Brown, Pink-Slipped »

September 09, 2005

Re-Post: Ace's Generic Walk-Thru For Every F'n' Game You've Ever F'n' Played

Damn, this was just about the funnest* thing I ever wrote. The quickest, too, because video games are so incredibly annoying and similar. It was humor borne of an intense loathing and anger.

But I guess not a lot of people saw it at the time... I'm getting some links off a World of Warcraft messageboard site, so maybe it's time again to share my frustrations with first-person-shooter computer games with the world again.

Very funny, if I do say so myelf. It's funny, because it's all undeniably true.

BTW, I say in that post that the language is "PG-13." Well, PG-13 allows you only one or two uses of the F-bomb, and I certainly exceeded that quota. So R for language.

* Not a typo. I meant funnest, not necessarily funniest, although it's up there on the list too. It was just such a breeze to write.

PS: What the hell does a guy have to do for a Slashdot link, anyway?

Figured this would be right up those geeks' alley.

posted by Ace at 02:03 PM

Comments

Very entertaining!

The part titled:

"The Part Where They Take All Your Cool Shit Away"

This rings most true to me. I hate that!

Although I will say that the Tom Clancy games on the XBOX are pretty cool, despite the predictable plot line.

Posted by: the daily missive on September 9, 2005 02:14 PM

Thanks for re-posting this, I missed it the first time. Absolutely hilarious.

Game Addiction: Final Fantasy

Posted by: geoff on September 9, 2005 02:21 PM

It was so annoying in "Farcry" when the strip you of everything except an M-16 with 5 rounds and force you to skulk down river beds trying to avoid swarms of vicious, superhuman mutants. I just kept wondering why they put such an annoying cliche in to such a fun game. I guess for the same reason designers keep putting the damn jumping puzzles in.

Posted by: steve_in_hb on September 9, 2005 02:30 PM

Just how I pictured the activities in the Superdome.

Posted by: Dman on September 9, 2005 02:31 PM

What WoW board? I play that...

Posted by: fat kid on September 9, 2005 02:33 PM

But of course you do, darling.

Here: http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/thread.aspx?fn=wow-realm-silvermoon&t=96116&p=1&tmp=1

Posted by: ace on September 9, 2005 02:37 PM

Best. Parody. Evah.

All your base are belong to us. Indeed.

Posted by: sentinel on September 9, 2005 03:14 PM

Funny.
Just about described every Baldur's Gate/Icewind Dale game I've played.

Posted by: Mikey on September 9, 2005 03:51 PM

And I didn't even play those games.

Commenters were saying, when I first wrote this, "Oh, you must have played Beholder 3, because that's just what it is." Or this game, or that.

I didn't. It's just that they're all exactly alike.

I've played Star Wars: Jedi Knight II, Quake, Quake II, Half-Life, Outlaws (wild west FPS), No One Lives Forever, Aliens Vs. Predator, a couple more I can't think of.

They're all like that. The particulars really don't matter.

Posted by: ace on September 9, 2005 04:48 PM

Hey, my husband is on that forum. I'll show him this, for a full geek stamp of approval. After the first paragraph, I fell into a coma, because I play Mario games. Sorry. I like Star Wars the movie, can I still be a geek?

Posted by: Stormy70 on September 9, 2005 05:55 PM

Damn that's funny. You must have played...

Hmmm, you already explained that.

Posted by: Silk on September 9, 2005 06:28 PM