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July 06, 2005

They Keep Stealing My Best Ideas: Patrick Swayze Bouncer-Epic Roadhouse Now A... Stage Play

Starring -- and don't even ask how they got this big a name to star as Dalton -- the guy who played "Bruce LeRoy" in the music video/martial arts craptacular The Last Dragon.

Fucked again.

Well, I'm running down to the Writer's Guild of America East first thing tomorrow morning to register my treatment for Airwolf: The Musical.

I tell you fellers, the number that ends the first act -- Archangel of My Heart -- is a real show-stopper.

posted by Ace at 07:39 PM

Comments

The mind reels.

Posted by: Allah on July 6, 2005 07:46 PM

Weird. I was just blogging about Road House yesterday. Had no idea there was a stage revival.

Egads, that's some mullet.

Posted by: The Colossus on July 6, 2005 08:22 PM

With any luck, Ace, Jean-Michael Vincent is probably available for your production, and most likely needs the work.

Just wondering if they will include the classic Sam Elliot line "I used to fuck guys like you in prison" in the stage version. Pure gold, that.

Posted by: US Soldier on July 6, 2005 08:26 PM

Burnt out blogger goes looking for his missing funny.

Yeah, it can be set to music.

Posted by: on July 6, 2005 08:46 PM

I'm awaiting a callback for my 'PointBreak: On Ice!" treatment.

Once you strip away the extraneous devices required by the medium of film and get at the essence of Point Break, it's quite a touching story of male bonding well suited to a performance on skates.

I'm hoping for something in the high fiv/low six figures, not including the decimal places. Obviously, pay scales are different for ice-based productions than your Airwolf one.

Good luck!

Posted by: BumperStickerist on July 6, 2005 09:39 PM

Ha! None of you have taken my idea.

"Red Dawn: A Celebration in Song," featuring the show-stoppers "AVENGE ME!" "Six Hundred Million Screamin' Chinamen" and "No More Tears."

This is going to be good. Tony Awards, here I come.

Posted by: Slublog on July 6, 2005 09:51 PM

"Six Hundred Million Screamin' Chinamen"

Or as it's known in China: Tuesday.

Posted by: Christopher Cross on July 6, 2005 10:33 PM

Funny stuff.

I'm impressed with the idea of a Red Dawn Musical.

Slublog, care to workshop it?

Posted by: ace on July 6, 2005 11:08 PM

Ahem.

Posted by: Hubris on July 6, 2005 11:09 PM

Workshop?

Remember, my degree is in journalism. That means I'm dumb about entertainment stuff.

And a lot of other stuff, actually.

Posted by: Slublog on July 6, 2005 11:19 PM

I just mean that maybe we could try a collective stab at a very dumb musical adaptation of Red Dawn.

Sort of like Wikipedia, only with an Andrew Lloyd Weber style song called Wolverines!

Actually, maybe that should be the title. Wolverines!: Red Dawn, The Musical.

Posted by: ace on July 6, 2005 11:27 PM

re: Point Break

Don't look now, but a friend of mine had a gf that regularly staged a small theater version of PB in Seattle. The gimmick was that the Keanu Reeves character would be picked at random at the beginning of the show, given a cursory read-through behind the curtains, and then thrust on stage for the show.

Now that's high-concept.

Posted by: tachyonshyggy on July 6, 2005 11:29 PM

Wolverines!

The exclamation point makes it.

Posted by: Slublog on July 6, 2005 11:37 PM

How many of you can tap dance? Sing? Anything?

Posted by: on July 6, 2005 11:39 PM

We can put the show in in Old Man Smithers' barn!

And you football guys... you can help us put the stage together, right?

I know we'll make enough for Ginny's operation!

Posted by: ace on July 6, 2005 11:43 PM

Most of Swayze's movies would make good musicals. Can you imagine Ghost as a musical? With, say, Margaret Cho in the Oda Mae Brown role?

Sam: Molly, you're in danger.
Oda Mae: You can't just blurt it out like that! And quit moving around, because you're starting to make me dizzy. I'll just tell her in my own way.
[pause; then, to Molly]
Oda Mae: MO-LAAAAAN! YOU IN DANGER, GIRL!

Posted by: Allah on July 6, 2005 11:49 PM

How many of you can tap dance? Sing? Anything?

I can make a head shot down hill from over 1200 meters, will that help?

Oh, and I make baloon animals, but they all look like snakes.

Posted by: digitalbrownshirt on July 6, 2005 11:52 PM

WOLVERINES! A Musical Celebration of Red Dawn.

CURTAIN OPEN

The set is a small-town high school, with students milling about. Enter JED, ROBERT, MATT and DARYL.

Music starts.

ENSEMBLE: "Five hundred twenty five thousand six..."

Sorry, wrong play.

Posted by: Slublog on July 7, 2005 12:05 AM

To hell with Ginny's operation!

Let's do this for the filthy lucre it will bring in. I can smell the money already.

We could turn this into a franchise - 80s movie musicals.

Better Off Dead - featuring "Two Dollars!", "I'm Sorry Ricky," and "Grown Up Smut"

Sixteen Candles - includes "I Need Your Panties," "My Happy Hand" and "Dong"

On Golden Pond - "You Old Poop," "Suck Face" and "My Daughter is a Bitch."

The possibilities are endless.

Posted by: Slublog on July 7, 2005 12:17 AM

My kabuki version of Zapped! will not be outdone!

Posted by: Tim Higgins on July 7, 2005 12:30 AM

Good God, it must've been a decade since I've heard/seen/read an Airwolf reference. Solid work Ace.

Posted by: Beck on July 7, 2005 07:44 AM

You're really funny today. Hittin' the bottle?

I say get Yo-Yo Ma to play Stringfellow Hawke, Ian McKellen for Archangel and Jason Alexander (or Nathan Lane) for Dominic Santini.

Posted by: harkyman on July 7, 2005 08:08 AM

I couldn't help but notice this:

The gimmick was that the Keanu Reeves character would be picked at random at the beginning of the show, given a cursory read-through behind the curtains, and then thrust on stage for the show.

Isn't this how Keanu Reeves got the role in the first place?

Posted by: Russ from Winterset on July 7, 2005 09:54 AM

Maybe you could combine Road House and Dirty Dancing and instead of putting Baby in the corner you could have her beaten up.

Posted by: Dman on July 7, 2005 09:56 AM

Dman, ROFL!!

Posted by: lauraw on July 7, 2005 10:04 AM

To the tune of "Shall We Dance":

Wolverines!
In blue jeans
For our country
For our homes
We're fightin' teens!

And then make it get really gay.

Posted by: spongeworthy on July 7, 2005 10:55 AM

Me, I'm looking forward to C. Thomas Howell's dramatic solo number: "My Hate Keeps Me Warm".

Posted by: Russ from Winterset on July 7, 2005 12:21 PM

Would Dead Alive be better as an opera or a ballet?

Posted by: Rob@L&R on July 7, 2005 02:35 PM

Opera, definitely. You sure as hell don't want some dainty little ballerina slipping & sliding around in all the blood & body parts from the "use your lawnmower as a weapon" scene.

Posted by: Russ from Winterset on July 7, 2005 02:46 PM

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Days before the woman was stabbed in the neck by a taxpayer-supported Cultural Enrichment Officer, in the same general area, another taxpayer-supported Cultural Enrichment Officer attacked a boy and bloodied his head with a brick.
What is the UK Regime's plan for protecting the citizens from the savage criminals they've foisted on the populace? They offer NONE. They do, however, have a plan for protecting the savage criminals from the citizens: The citizens must STAY CALM and not get angry and not share videos of citizens being attacked by savage criminals.
The public keeps saying "protect us from the foreign savages you have imported against our wishes and over our objections" and the UK branch of The Regime keeps proposing plans to protect the foreign savages from the public. Soclose to what the public is demanding, just, you know, the complete opposite.
Just a thought: Maybe you wouldn't have to worry about the public attacking the savage criminals if you actually introduced a plan to protect the public from the savage criminals. Maybe they wouldn't feel as if it was necessary for them to protect the public through self-help.

Courtney Subramiam, one of the "journalists" who "previewed" her questions for the decrepit and demented Biden so that he could "answer" it with a pre-scripted response, rewarded by promotion to president of the White House Press Corps

Bonchie
@bonchieredstate

hahahahaha

This is the lady who gave her question to Biden beforehand, and he had it written verbatim in his notes with her picture.

You know what's really terrible? There are Daily Signal reporters in the press room. That's the Real Scandal Here!

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The English have rebelled before.

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I like the throwback AOL style of the ad.

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VOTE JEFF CARTER FOR NV STATE TREASURER!
[CBD]

Mary Margaret Olohan
@MaryMargOlohan

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Oof. Reviewers do not like Scary Movie 6. The criticism I keep hearing is that the movie mistakes a reference for an actual joke. The movie (they say) keeps Key Jangling a reference to another movie (or some other pop culture ephemera) and you expect there to be a joke but nope, the Key Jangle was the joke. Other reviewers say that the promise that "no lines will be uncrossed" is a fake-out, and that the movie is bland and inoffensively corporate.

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Whoops! I posted about Dan Goldman losing the NY congressional primary. He might do that, but it won't be tonight -- the primary isn't held until June 23.

One race to keep an eye on: the Levi's heir nepo baby and egregious "Designated Liar" Dan Goldman -- one of the Democrats from a safe district Democrats send out to spread their most indefensible lies -- may actually lose his lower Manhattan/Brooklyn set due to, get this, antisemitism in the Democrat primary electorate.
Antisemitism? In the anti-Nazi Democrat Party? Sounds crazy, I know, but apparently the anti-Nazi Party wants to eliminate Jews.

Henry Rosoff
@HenryRosoff

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@bradlander: 57%

@danielsgoldman: 23%

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Oh my Totenkopf Tattoo, that is a DRUBBING!
I'm usually very anti-antisemitism but if the Communist Antisemite Jihadists can pull this one off, Go Communist Antisemite Jihadists, Go!

Democrat Senator Rueben Gallego, who served his wife with divorce papers when she was nine months pregnant so that he could marry his side-piece, counsels us that we should not judge Graham Platner for his infidelity because these things are personal matters, Racists:

Sahil Kapur
@sahilkapur

Sen. Ruben Gallego, D-Ariz., on Platner: "We know that Graham has lived not your typical political experience. He's been very clear and open with his wife, and they worked through whatever they worked through. At the end of the day, this man has had 60 more town halls than Susan Collins has. He's winning the polls, he's willing to accept that he has grown as a person, and I think we should accept that."

Gallego says the drip-drip of revelations won't harm Platner's campaign.

"I think you guys are all in a bubble here right now. The drip, drip that's actually happening is Americans are really, really hurt the fact that gas is still high, food is still high, they can't buy a home, you can't afford rent. They're not going to care about text messages and everything else like that that happened years ago, especially when it was worked out between spouses."

I like that he says that it's okay that Graham Platner sexted 12 different women within months of marrying the woman to sponge off her because he wasn't then "living a political life" -- the clear meaning being, "We all cheat, we just don't cheat when we're running for office, and he didn't know he was running for office when he was sending dicpics to half the women he ran into."
Except he was running: His own wife turned the sexts over to his campaign.
And obviously Reuben Gallego didn't let his "political life" get in the way of his extramarital dating life:

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