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June 14, 2005

Andrew Sullivan, Hysterical Twat

Kausfiles continues to monitor Excitable Andy's rollercoaster mood-swings so you don't have to.

Criminy. I don't think I've dated chicks who veered between euphoria and melancholy as often (and as severely) as Excitable Andy, and they've got the excuse of, you know, menses.

As I'm just getting back to blogging again, and I've got nothin' anyway, I may have to do another one of my full-day Andrew Sullivan spoofs. This one emphasizing his "I'm vindicated! Success!/All is lost! We're doomed!" style of estrogen-charged commentary.

I've got nothing against Sullivan's homosexuality. I swear it. If I had a taste for man-pooter, I'd be the most promiscuously gay sonofabitch you ever saw.

But honestly, is it wise to combat the gay=femme stereotype by just turning it up to 11?

I know a lot of gay guys. By "a lot," I mean, like, four. And they don't seem to be forever going to pieces like Andy does.

Andy, I mean this in the most respectful way: Butch up. Please. You're embarassing your fellow gay men. They'd like to project an air of confident, if homosexually-directed, masculinity, not the scatterbrained frenzy of Lucy trying to keep up with the candy conveyer-belt.

You know how gays say that there's a little gay in every one? Well, every time Andrew flies off the handle, the little gay dude inside of me says, "Great Kylie Minogue! I don't know how I'll show my face at Restoration Hardware ever again."

Women are allowed to be inconstant. It's what we love about them. (Well, not really, but we tolerate it.) Men are supposed to be, well, kind of even-keeled, even to the point of stupid stubborness.

Just... I don't know. Calm the f' down. Have a cream soda. Do some fucking thing.

posted by Ace at 07:43 PM

Comments

Tell us more about this "taste for man-pooter" that you may or may not have ...

Posted by: Bill from INDC on June 14, 2005 07:51 PM

... you know, "hypothetically."

Posted by: Bill from INDC on June 14, 2005 07:53 PM

Bill,

I like men. I like being man-handled.

I like you.

But my point is that, being an amoral and irreligious sonofabitch, if I had the gay tweak, I'd be so fucking promiscuous it would make your head spin.

So I'm not against gay guys. I get it. If I had that tweak, I wouldn't try to resist it for even one second.

But I don't see that there's necessarily any connection between a homosexual inclination and the worst aspects of silly feminity.

Posted by: ace on June 14, 2005 07:53 PM

AAAAA-OOOOOHGA!

Posted by: Bill from INDC on June 14, 2005 07:56 PM

If I had a taste for man-pooter, I'd be the most promiscuously gay sonofabitch you ever saw.

But, does this mean you are currently the most promiscuously straight sonofabitch you ever saw?

Posted by: on June 14, 2005 08:03 PM

Chicks dig me, because I rarely wear underwear, and when I do, it's usually something unusual.

But that's not important right now.

Look on the bright side, Ace-- with a return to Sullytweaking, you probably just made Megan moist. Not by a lot, perhaps just a teenie little spotting, but enough to notice.

Oh, and please allow me to be the first to say that recommending that Andrew "do some fucking thing" is sort of how we got to this problem point in the first place.

I'm just sayin'.

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

P.S. Welcome back for good.

Sucker.

Posted by: Dave at Garfield Ridge on June 14, 2005 08:04 PM

Yumm, yumm...Ace, can I have some of that repubican lovin???? Trust me, I am someone that Sullivan dreams about...Let him sleep with the liberal men, I like my men REPUBLICAN!

woof!

Posted by: Aaron on June 14, 2005 09:12 PM

Calm the f' down.

It's possible. But the odds are against us.

Posted by: Approaching Disgusted", Still Chagrined. on June 14, 2005 09:43 PM

I don't think I've dated chicks who veered between euphoria and melancholy as often (and as severely) as Excitable Andy, and they've got the excuse of, you know, menses.

Ace, sugar sweetie honey pie, the next time you're sitting on your sofa in your socks and underwear, watching the SE of "The Thing" at 3 am, remote in one hand, half-empty Miller Lite in the other, and you briefly wonder why no one is there for you to share that special moment with, just keep lines like this handy and you'll definitely have the beginnings of an answer.

Later,
bbeck

Posted by: bbeck on June 14, 2005 11:22 PM

Is liking Kylie Minogue a gay thing? Or just her music?

Posted by: Will Franklin on June 15, 2005 12:01 AM

(Imagine a really, really sibilant "s.")

It doesn't make you a bad persssonnnn!!!

Posted by: CraigC on June 15, 2005 02:13 AM

Liking her music and/or wanting to be her.

Wanting to have her ass rather than just a piece of it.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on June 15, 2005 10:15 AM

My friend Frank "the Riddler" Black reminds me that Kylie is recuperating from a bout with the big C, so perhaps we should all show a little respect.

At least until she starts a blog and spends two-thirds of the posts on it updating us with her current medical status.

Posted by: Nicholas Kronos on June 15, 2005 10:18 AM

"Calm the f' down. Have a cream soda. Do some fucking thing."

Hey Ace, did you deliberately steal this line from "Midnight Run" or was it "subconscious plagarism" a la George Harrison.

Anyway, I believe Dennis Farina's line was:
"Sydney. Sit down. Relax. Have a sandwich. Drink a glass of milk. Do some fucking thing."

Posted by: fasterplease on June 15, 2005 12:44 PM

if I had the gay tweak, I'd be so fucking promiscuous

ACE - I've been very naughty and need a good spanking.

Posted by: shit from shinola on June 15, 2005 01:22 PM

they don't seem to be forever going to pieces like Andy does.

Andy is a sick drama queen who externalizes his fears and anger at conservatives becasue he's basically too gutless to prject them appropriately at their causes.

Posted by: wretched refuse on June 15, 2005 01:26 PM

Sullivan is suffering male menopause. It happens to gay men in their forties.

Posted by: opine6 on June 15, 2005 01:48 PM

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Funniest thing I've read about the Virginia mess. Back when they were hustling the referendum through the assembly both Senators, Warner and Kaine, advised them to go slow and play by the rules. Louise Lucas said she respected them but didn't need advice from the "cuck chair" in the corner. The gerrymandering was overturned and Louise is heading for the big house. Edward G. Robinson voice "where's your cuck now?"
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I posted his post on twitter and it's gotten 25K views so far. Thanks, Smell the Glove

Chris
@chriswithans

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Somebody else holds your heart, yeah
You turn to me with your icy tears
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TJM wonders about world building in stories, mostly The Hunger Games

"It's f**king f**ked."
-- reportedly a genuine comment offered by a "senior Labour source"
Correction: I wrote that Labour is losing 88% (now 87%) of the seats it is "defending." I think that's wrong. The right way to say it is the seats they are contesting -- that is, they don't necessarily already hold these seats, but they have put up a candidate to run for the seat. It's still very bad but not as bad as losing 87% of the seats they already held.

Basil the Great
@BasilTheGreat

🚨ED MILIBAND [a Minister in Starmer's government] SAYS KEIR STARMER WILL RESIGN AS PRIME MINISTER

He has reportedly reassured Labour MP's that Starmer will be resigning following the disastrous results tonight

It's over

"The end of the two party system in the UK" as first the Fake Conservatives and now Labour chooses political suicide rather than simply STOPPING THE INVASION
Incidentally, the only reason this didn't already happen in the US is because of the Very Bad Orange Man (who is right on 85% of all policy calls and extremely, existentially right on 15% of them)

No political party that is NOT also a doomsday religious cult would EVER choose a cataclysmic loss -- and possible extinction as a party -- to support a toxically unpopular favoritism of NON-CITIZEN ILLEGAL MIGRANTS over actual citizen voters.

Only a cult does this.

Now they've lost 84%.

Annunziata Rees-Mogg
@zatzi
If this continues Labour loses 2,148 seats tonight.

That is much worse than the worst case predictions I’ve seen.

Cataclysmic

Update: They've now lost 88% of the seats they're defending. As I mentioned earlier, I think I heard that London will not bail them out, as many of those Labour seats will probably flip to "Muslim Independent" or Green. Detroit's 5am vote will not save them.

Yup, Labour is losing 80% of its seats...

The British Patriot
@TheBritLad

🚨 BREAKING: Labour have lost 80% of all seats contested as of 2:25 AM.<
br> If this continues, Keir Starmer will be out of office next week.

Reform has surged and projected to pick up between 1700-2100 seats.

Wow, up to 1700-2100 seats. It's not incredible that this is happening. It's incredible that the Davos crowd is so absolutely determined to privilege Muslim "migrants" over the actual native population who elects them, no matter how loudly the natives scream that they want to be prioritized, that they will gladly self-extinguish as a party rather than simply representing the interests of their own voters. Astonishing.
Remember, when they call other people "cultists" -- they are the ones so imprisoned in their social reinforcement and discipline bubbles that they will choose political death rather than dare upset the Karen Enforcement Officers of their cult.
Update: Now they've lost 83% of the seats they were defending.

(((Dan Hodges)))
@DPJHodges

Reform are basically wiping Labour out in the North. It's not a defeat. It's not even a rout. Labour are simply ceasing to exist.

Nick Lowles
@lowles_nick

Tonight’s results are calamitous for Labour. Not just for Keir Starmer's leadership, but for the very future of the party

STARMERGEDDON: In early returns, Reform gains 135 seats, Labour loses 90, the Fake Conservatives lose 36 (and I didn't even know they could fall any further), the Lib Dems lose 4, and the Greens gain 6. Note that the only other party gaining seats is the Greens and they're only gaining a handful of seats.
Update: Reform now up 145, Labour down 98.
Labour projected to lose Wales -- where they've ruled for 27 years.
Fulton County Georgia just discovered 400 boxes of ballots for Labour
Update: REF +156, LAB -107, CON -45
Brutal: In four out of five council seats where Labour is defending, they've lost. 80%.
I'm sure it's not this simple, but Reform is straight taking Labour's and the "Conservatives'" seats. They've lost almost exactly what Reform gained. If understand this right (and warning, I probably don't), all of London's council seats are up for election, and Labour might lose hugely there, as their old voters abandon them for Reform, Muslim Indenpendents, and the Greens.
REF +190, LAB -134, CON -56.

Updates on the Labour collapse in council elections -- which wags are calling #Starmergeddon -- from Beege Welborne. There are about 5000 seats up for grabs, Labour is expected to lose 1,800, Reform will probably gain 1,580, up from... zero. So this would be more than that.
People claim that while Labour has adopted the Sharia Agenda to appeal to the million Muslims it allowed to migrate to the country, those voters are ditching Labour to vote for the Muslim Independent Party or the Greens. Delicious. This shadenfreude is going straight to my thighs.
Oh, and if Starmer loses about as badly as expected, Labour will toss him out of a window Braveheart style and replace him. He will announce he is resigning to spend more time with his Gay Ukrainian Male Prostitutes.

Media bias and senationalism are as old as, well, the media:

That was written by Denny O'Neill and illustrated by, get this, Frank Miller. Editor to the Stars Jim Shooter was in charge at the time.
I always thought the gag was original to the comic book, but in fact the "Threat or Menace" headline was a satirical joke about media bias and sensationalism for a long while. The Harvard Lampoon used it in a parody of Life magazine: "Flying Saucers: Threat or Menace?"

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