On the other hand, I'll bet the graduates had a lot more fun yelling at Erica Jong than they would have if they'd had to pretend to be respectfully listening to someone more, um, contained :). One of the more amusing commencement moments I've experienced (not as a graduate, unfortunately) was back at my old, extreeeeemely liberal college. Some friends were graduating that year, so a few of us came up to hang out and see them afterwards. The speaker was of the usual mindset, but made the very serious mistake of personalizing his speech - that is, he started laying into THE AUDIENCE about how racist, sexist, and all around awful they were. Nobody would have turned a hair if he'd just waffled on about societal racism or whatever, but when he started talking about THEM? Oh, quite another can of worms. He didn't get booed, unfortunately - more like icy silence - but you could see the professors whispering to each other. Ten minutes after the speech was done, when the honorary degrees were presented, the commencement speaker's honorary degree presentation was mysteriously...forgotten. He never did get it. Rumour had it that he was sorely pissed. Good times.

from her (40 minute long? gah!) speech:

"Listen to what is said and question authority. I want you graduates to get mad when you're deliberately lied to."

that message appears to have been received.

Brilliant. Just Brilliant, Ace!

Small quibble though; there seems to be a disconnect between points 3 & 5...

3) . . . But don't make any racy comments about sex; remember, Mr. and Mrs. Duk are listening, and they think their daughter Jenny is a virgin.
and

5) Tell them all how they've accomplished so goddamned much by getting drunk and laid for four years while occasionally attending a class about astronomy and/or romantic poets. . . .You'll hear sporadic cheers. Don't think that that means anyone was listening to you; they weren't. Mr. and Mrs. Duk were just applauding their daughter...

Otherwise, right on the money!

Did Mr & Mrs Duk change their name to Mr & Mrs Kim during the commencement, or are there really two 'drycleaners' in attendance?

F'n hilarious.

MoS

Say WHAT?!? WHO FUCK JENNY?!?

I thought all commencement speakers gave political speeches these days -- or at least, take swipes at George Bush. Anyway, what I want to know is how much did they pay this hag to talk?

On the other hand, don't invite a doctrinaire Republican either who cannot resist the following at a commencement speech:

1. Rhapsodizing about Bush the way the N Koreans express their devotion to 'Lil Kim.

2. Gushing about the noble Iraqi people and the Religion of Peace and how priviledged our boys feel getting killed for them and the next Project Democracy invasions in Syria and Iran. Also, keep in mind that homages to the Hero Uniformed Gov't employees of 9/11 who saved all the cowardly mere mortals are becoming dated.

3. That great new service sector jobs are opening up for selling Chinese made stuff. Avoid saying that engineers & scientists who understand what the Chinese are pirating from us and how it works make excellent, perhaps the best salespeople in Free Trade, Globalized America. Or mention that liberal arts students, if they can't find a gov't or teaching job, might wish to consider joining the Global Economy and sewing shirts in Cambodia.

4. Mentioning that lack of a good job is no impediment to getting a slew of credit cards and embarking on home ownership...where the real money is made as you join the Investor Class.

5. DON'T mention Terri Schiavo or blessed little frozen babies. Or creationism. Students will think you weird.

And don't ever ever mention the Joooooos!

Or, should that be, always mention the joooos?

"Or mention that liberal arts students, if they can't find a gov't or teaching job, might wish to consider joining the Global Economy and sewing shirts in Cambodia."

That's sort of a universal, never-changing constant.

IOW, if someone is STILL enrolling as a liberal arts major these days, they are, by definition, too stupid to be of use to any employer.

Thanks for that post Ace. I wish that Daniel Inouye, a Democratic senator from Hawaii, took that advice at my graduation several weeks ago at American University. In order, the things he talked about were: his purple heart, Japanese internment, slavery, civil rights, the filibuster and cloaked - though obvious - references to the tyrannical Republican majority trampling over the beleagured and just minority. It was awful.
Throughout this gaseous, pointless speech, he did not once congratulate the graduates or say much at all about graduating. Furthermore, to add to the insult, he left immediately after he gave the speech to go see his wife (it was Mother's Day).
And perhaps the most ironical part of the address was that he told us we probably wouldn't remember it because these things tend to be unremarkable; not for me though, I'll always remember its rank awfulness.
The only revenge I got was not standing up to applaud when he finished and belting out "four more years" at every applause line.

Cedarford,

Please note a single conservative who's given an inappropriately political speech at a commencement.

We're all ears, genius.

I heard possibly the only useful commencement speaker in the world about 30 years ago.
His advice: "Remember, students, aspirin and orange juice."
(The next morning his remarks were let us say prophetic.)

IOW, if someone is STILL enrolling as a liberal arts major these days, they are, by definition, too stupid to be of use to any employer.

Blow me.

Excellent, Ace. Funny as shit and every word of it true.

Yeah, something that should be updated and reprinted yearly.

I had a great commencement speaker at one of my graduation ceremonies. Ace, you would have loved the guy. The speech was short, funny, and extremely effective, because every fucking riff had a kernal of real, memorable wisdom. The best one: "And, remember... as you make your way through life... friends come and go... but enemies accumulate."

Damned straight. I try to keep that in mind when possible.

In closing, it's also good to mention the schools football team, and mention that *they rule*.

Great post, Ace.

One nit: in #4, why would college grads worry about fake IDs? Unless they're Doogie Howser, methinks this problem is no longer relevant.

Still, from personal experience, there's a damn sight of logistics involved in moving kegs upstairs past the Resident Assistants, so I can see 99% of all students worrying about that versus listening to the fucking speech.

As for my commencement speech, I remember two things. First, the speaker was the president of a *particle-board furniture manufacturer*-- not exactly an exciting speaker with lots of relevant life-experience.

Second, the only piece of his advice that stuck in my mind? Read the paper every day-- he said he read four or five each day, and that was one of the secrets of his success.

Funny, ten years later, I read *dozens* of papers each day, and blogs, and magazines. Where the hell is *my* particle-board furniture fortune?

Cheers,
Dave at Garfield Ridge

Kurt Cobain?

Cornball attempts at hipness have been consistently referencing Outkast for a while.

My neighbors' son graduated from HS last night; the class was about 500 and there were around 3000 people at the Coliseum. They strictly warned us that cheering after a graduate's name was announced would get you removed from the ceremony.

Of course, we took advantage of that to get ejected just after our neighbors' son's name was announced, thus ensuring that we wouldn't have to sit through the other 300+ names still to be read.

Law Of Unintended Consequences in effect, biatch...

I wonder if it has ever occurred to any university administrator to just do away with the idea of a commencement speech. They are inevitably boring, useless and take up time that could be better spent with family or friends.

I had to attend many a commencement when I worked PR at a university. None of the speeches were any good, and most of the audience got restless by the end.

Plus, by the time the main speaker gets to the podium, most graduates have had to put up with speeches by the university president, a professor or two and some jackass from the alumni association. Adding another speech adds little to the ceremony, except that it gives some celebrity or pointy-headed moron to feel important for a few minutes.

Just do away with it.

Most important rule:
YOu are giving a speech at a graduation, a celebration of achievement for college students and their parents.

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.

Not even a little bit.

Liberal Arts Major,

I don't believe you really are one. After all, you did manage to get that idea across in only two words.

Also, STFU! is advice that everyone needs to hear from time to time.

Commencement speakers, this is your time. To STFU, I mean. Not tell us all about your politics. Great advice Ace.

tim and dogstar,

As a LA grad, I was wondering. Did you two douchebags realize that all criminal justice degrees fall under the college of liberal arts?

Lets all pray that you NEVER need any help from the police. Because, if you do, your worthless asses will be screaming like cedarford at the Holocaust museum for our help.

...Fuckin Dumbasses....

P.S. like LAM said, Blow me

Wow, son of america!

Both profane and boring at the same time...
You've convinced me that you are a liberal arts grad.

Me hearts Ace!

This is hilarious stuff

"...all criminal justice degrees fall under the college of liberal arts..."

Um, don't think so. Liberal arts is a subsection of Arts and Humanities, which is a separate subject (or program) from others, such as Education, Business, Health/Medicine, Engineering (my field) and Law/Criminal Justice.

By hey, if you want to consider yourself a liberal arts major, who am I to talk you out of it?

http://www.elearners.com

http://www.worldwidelearn.com/

http://www.theknowledgestop.com/

Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!! Loose shit. Should be "But hey..."

"...Engineering (my field)..."

Heh, it shows. And that's a compliment.

Later,
bbeck

Thanks, bbeck! I'm impressed with your credentials, as well. And I'm a big SF fan. Got lots of Larry Niven, Silverberg, Asimov, etc.

Q: If a function satisfies the Lipshitz condition, does it also satisfy the Fourier integral theorem?

A: Go fuck yourself Dogstar.

Great stuff, Ace.

I'd only add that speakers might mention that, for many/most graduates, it is quite likely that your success in life will not come from the field you chose to study. Lawyers burn out and become carpenters. Doctors get tired of their grind and become chefs. Teachers find they hate teaching and become nurses. What you really learn in college is how to persistently pursue a goal.

In short, don't get all wrapped around the axle about defending whatever college you graduated from.

When Warren Beatty proclaimed in a recent commencement speech that he didn't wish to run for Governor of California, I wish I could have been there to shout, "That makes it unanimous!" What was supposed to be a speech to graduating students was instead a perfect example of Ace's complaints.

Terrific post. My commencement address was by s guy who had dropped out of the university and hit the big money in the tech boom. Reeaaal inspiring. Fortunately, he kept it non-political.

And what school has a "Criminal Justice" major? That sounds even fluffier than Sociology, the ultimate "liberal art." Liberal arts major can do just fine, as long as that degree isn't the last one they get. Now communication and fine arts majors....those are your future waiters and bartenders.

Dogstar,

Man, you are right. I forgot that online colleges group their majors in a different way. I'll take that into account the next time I mention something related to college, because I don't want to offend whatever online pathetic excuse for a degree mill you recieved your education from.

But keep talking shit. I'm sure that one day, even you can be promoted to fry cook, with a degree like that.

and BTW brak, the criminal justice degree is a very popular degree program found at most, if not all universities. It is the epitome of a diversified degree designed to cover all elements of the American justice system, from penal codes, criminal law procedures, correctional facilities and many other areas that prepare a graduate of the program for a career in Criminal Justice. I have used my degree and my law enforcement experience to gain employment with a federal law enforcement agency, so it would be unwise for anyone to conclude that my degree is worthless. I would not be where I am today without it.

P.S. Log cabin, eat a cock

"But keep talking shit. I'm sure that one day, even you can be promoted to fry cook, with a degree like that."

I graduated with a Chemical Engineering degree in 1981, and worked for a little less than twenty years for various multi-national chemical manufacturers. I managed tens of millions of dollars worth of capital projects, including the restoration of contaminated wetlands, the construction of organic peroxide manufacturing facilities and various chemical process R&D projects. If you care to look up US Patent #5,348,662 at this site:

http://www.uspto.gov/patft/index.html

you can read about a process I developed to convert arsenic-contaminated wastes into the material that is used to preserve and treat lumber.

I retired (very early) in 1999, and in 2002 I started my own investment advisory firm, using proprietary technical analysis computer models I designed myself. For the last three years, my assets under management have grown at a rate of roughly 100% annually.

You're right, I still haven't made fry cook, yet. But, by God, I know that somewhere, there's a position out there for me in the food service industry, and if I keep my head high, my mind focused and my attitude positive, someday I'll make that dream come true.

Thank you, son of America. Thank you, for believing in me.

BTW, below are the liberal arts curriculum listings for the University of Houston, Texas A. & M University and the University of Texas. Still haven't found any place where liberal arts majors can study criminal justice.

http://www.uh.edu/academics/catalog/las/las_plans.html

http://clla.tamu.edu/REALP.pl?term=degrees

http://www.utexas.edu/dept/#LiberalArts

LAM and SOA:

You guys needed to thicken your skin a bit. Liberal Arts majors have been getting ribbed for their major for decades. This isn't anything to froth over.

BTW, my BA is history with a poli sci and English minors. I know of what I speak.

Mikey's right. Evidently the only people who don't make fun of LA majors are LA majors. My family joked with my brother about choosing it, but fortunately he had a sense of humor. Everybody catches crap about the fields they go into, just like Dogstar the aspiring fry cook, lol.

Furthermore, the initial crack was made about LA MAJORS specifically, not the LA COLLEGE which can encompass many different majors depending on the school you go to and how they define their degrees.

Later,
bbeck

Mikey's right. We need to lighten up. Or at least I need to lighten up. Still, I can't resist an opportunity to be offended. It's what liberal arts majors do.

Well, I guess I was wrong. I seriously thought you were talking about the Liberal Arts college as a whole.

My mistake.

And I guess, from the sound of it, it seems as if I underestimated you, Dogstar.

I guess I'll just have to take solace in the fact that I got ALL THE ASS in college. All I had to do was take a bunch of chemical engineering classes.

Cause we all know that chemical engineering majors couldn't get laid on a saturday night in a sorrority house with a bottle of white zinfandel and a handful of rohipnol.

I mean, really.

You guys are AWESOME. Now that's a good way to wind up a disagreement.

Later,
bbeck

However--

Regarding Dogstar's awe-inspiring accomplishments and his unstoppable march towards fame and riches... well, I think the dog doth bark too much.

Ah, words. So much fun to play with. About the only skill I came away from undergrad with.

Well, besides doing beer-bongs, but that was a cross-disciplinary course of study.

You know what the most hilarious thing is about this whole dust up?

It all started, way back, when I was AGREEING WITH CEDARFORD.

That'll learn me.

And yes, some of what I said was misleading. See, even though the total of my assets under management has indeed doubled each year for the past three years, it started at an extremely small level.

And, BTW, the doubling of AOM is a combination of investment gains and sales gains. So I'm not doubling my clients' money each year, just doubling my paycheck (since I get paid about 2% or so of every dollar I manage).

But still, I did beat the market each year. So, I guess that's something.

It kind of eases the pain of remembering all the monkey-spanking I did, back in college, when the sorority sisters consistantly told me to stick my zinfandel up my ass.

Ah, roofies. Unfortunately, I graduated before they came into the picture. If only...

It kind of eases the pain of remembering all the monkey-spanking I did, back in college, when the sorority sisters consistantly told me to stick my zinfandel up my ass.

You knew sorority girls who could pronouce zinfandel? Color me impressed. The ones I knew could barely manage to slur out "wine cooler" betwixt drunken giggles.

Yeah, bagging sorority girls is a real trophy to boast over. The only thing easier to lay was a frat guy. But hey, in college days tail was tail.

Later,
bbeck

when the sorority sisters consistantly told me to stick my zinfandel up my ass.

If your dick is light and fruity, damn right you can stick it up your ass!